Count Binface

In the UK we have a political system where any old Tom, Dick or Harry can stand as a Member of Parliament (MP). All you do is apply to the returning officer in the constituency you wish to challenge for with £500 with a deadline of 19 days before the poll takes place. If you get more than 5% of the vote, you get your deposit back. If you win, of course, you will become an MP. 

This has led to some really strange candidates applying to be an MP. Here are a few from the past:

Captain Beany – a baked bean themed candidate from the New Millennium Bean Party.

Captain Beany

Howling Laud Hope – the current leader of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party (and yes – it really does exist and has in fact existed for 44 years). 

Howling Laud Hope

Lord Toby Jug – also a member of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party.

Lord Toby Jug

The Official Monster Raving Loony Party has policies that are hilarious, including recent ones such as: 

• Building a space port in Runcorn

• Deport all MPs who “misbehave” to Rwanda

• Reduce pregnancy from nine months to seven months to reduce problems in the NHS

• Introduce greener cars by forcing all MPs to drive around in fluorescent green cars

• Reduce inflation by giving all people in the UK free pins 

• Prevent identity theft by calling everybody Chris

And related to this, something really funny will happen this summer – and it involves old frog-faced Nigel Farage, the populist far-right politician who is Donald Trump’s bosom buddy. 

You will love this (I hope). I know I do because Nigel Farage is my least favourite MP. It is so eccentrically British and it is why I love the country I was lucky enough to be born in. Here is the back-story.

CROAK! RIBBIT! CROAK!

You may have heard recently that my least favourite politician, Mr Nigel Farage, has been having a few problems. He is currently the MP for Clacton-on-Sea and is the leader of Reform UK, a far-right party whose supporters played a big part in inflicting Brexit on the UK. Now I don’t want to start ranting on about my feelings for Farage because that would become a book but, suffice it to say, he is a big buddy of Donald Trump and supports most of what the Orange Goblin does and says. However, recently he has had some big issues. 

For example, he is supposed to represent Clacton-on-Sea but the constituency hardly sees him. MPs are supposed to have surgeries in their constituency but Farage claims that he doesn’t do so for “security reasons”. He also hardly spends much time in the Houses of Parliament leading to the majority of MPs mocking him on a regular basis for srpending more time in the USA than he does in the UK.

However, a newspaper recently revealed that he received £5 million from a foreign-based crypto-billionaire which he first of all claimed was meant to be used to bolster his “security”. He didn’t declare this which is against parliamentary rules. He then changed his mind about the reason for the money: he claimed it was a “reward” for Brexit and he could spend it on what he liked. More recently he was discovered to have received benefits from a convicted criminal called George Cotterell who served a prison sentence in the US for money laundering, fraud, blackmail and extortion. 

Farage is now undergoing intense scrutiny from a parliamentary enquiry into his shenanigans and has recently tried to hide from public scrutiny by dodging interviews and keeping a low profile, just popping up the odd time on self-made video snippets and also spending time in America. 

Now he has taken a big gamble. He has resigned as the MP for Clacton-on-Sea with a view to contesting in a new by-election - in the same constituency. 

Why would he do this, I hear you cry? Farage is saying that “the establishment” is against him and he is framing the by-election as “the people” versus “the establishment” in the hope that the people in Clacton-on-Sea will vindicate him and his actions and return him to parliament again in a way that is triumphant, allowing him and his supporters to give a bloody nose to “the establishment”. 

Basically, he is used to being in control and has a massive hissy fit and thrown every last one of his toys out of the pram. 

There are of course several problems with his gamble. First of all, if he is elected as an MP again, the investigations into his undeclared £5 million and any other “dealings” that may be subsequently investigated will simply continue from the point where it was paused. 

Second, the other major parties know that his actions are farcical and have refused to put up candidates against him making the entire by-election a complete joke.  

Third, of course, Farage has been in politics for decades as an MP, leader of far-right parties and also a member of the European Parliament when we were in the EU. He is as much a part of the establishment as those he claims to be fighting against. 

The Clacton-on-Sea by-election is therefore basically going to be a one-horse race.

Or is it? 

Enter Count Binface.

Yes indeed, one of the more recent eccentric candidates, County Binface is going to  stand against him. Count Binface claims to be an “independent space warrior” and, because there are no other major candidates, the by-election has become Farage versus Count Binface - i.e. a man dressed as a trash can (if you are American). 

And it is absolutely bloody hilarious.

Count Binface is usually quite quiet during elections apart from posing for pictures. This time however, he has been appearing on prime time and serious news programmes on the TV and radio actually being interviewed by serious commentators. This is a joke candidate with manifesto commitments such as: 

• Ban loud snacks in the cinema

• Force rule breaking cyclists to use unicycles

• Force water company CEOs to swim in polluted rivers to “see how they like it”

• Rename London Bridge as Phoebe-Waller Bridge

• Count Binface to be the UK’s entrant next year in the Eurovision Song Contest

Here he is being interviewed:

As you can imagine, Farage is being humiliated – and I love it. 

Here are some quotes mocking the entire farce:

“It is a farce and a desperate distraction, and the people of Clacton deserve better. But if he wants to spend the summer arguing with a bin, I won't stop him.”

“Labour is not going to be part of this circus, I hear it’s the people versus the establishment, the city trader, Putin-admiring, professional politician who’s pals with crypto billionaires versus Count Binface.”

“Reform are into full PR mode while expecting everyone to ignore their leader being in a two-way contest with a bin.”

Come on Count Binface. 

I would definitely vote for you if I lived in Clacton-on-Sea.

Goodbye 2017

I wasn’t going to bother with my traditional summary of the year this year because, frankly, 2017 has been a stinker of a year, much worse than the previous year, which was bad enough.

However, despite the pain, there have been some highlights and it would be unfair to confine these to the skip. So shall we explore the mound of crap that was 2017?

Let’s do it!

1.What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?

I reached the age where I can get my hands on my pension pot, should I be stupid enough to do so. I’m not ready to do that just yet.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I started off with a quest to be more positive and to be fair, it worked until March. I also enhanced my French a little and revisited German, a language that is fascinating but very difficult to learn.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not this year,

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes – but I’m not ready to talk about that yet.

5. What countries did you visit?

This year we had a massive family holiday to Corfu and also visited Majorca for a well needed week break in September. A bunch of us also revisited Amsterdam to celebrate a friend’s 60th birthday.

A flight arriving at sunset in Can Pastilla Majorca

6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

No pain!

7. What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Thinking positively, the week’s holiday in June – before the year turned to shit.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Nothing leaps to mind.

9. What was your biggest failure?

To remain positive all year. Fate is like that sometimes.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

No, thankfully.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

That has to be my new Samsung Galaxy 8 phone, by a country mile. My poor old decrepit S4 mini survived for as long as it could before the weight of my expectation pushed it beyond its limits. My new phone is absolutely amazing.

What a beauty!

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

Nobody famous has done anything to deserve a PM award this year. However, I would like to single out Mrs PM who has been my rock during a time of hardship.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Donald J Trump – the biggest dickhead ever to be elected into the White House. I could spend a year ranting about this waste of humanity every day for the next five years.

Also, Harvey Weinstein and all similar horrific sexual predators deserve to be inaugurated into the hall of absolute shame.

Theresa May (and her government), Nigel Farage and Piers Morgan also deserve the title “Dick of the Year” too.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Same as usual – my house and holidays.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Nothing really. As far as excitement goes, this was a rather mundane year.

16. What song will always remind you of 2017?

I will sum up the music I discovered in a subsequent post but this song deserves a special mention:

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

I am sadder (but improving), definitely fatter (but determined to go on a diet in January) and possibly a little richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

After a great start to the year in terms of blogging, I have definitely neglected it in recent months. I was thinking about giving up the blog altogether but I think I have decided to carry on for a while.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Again, I’ve had another angry year where the antics of politicians have made me fume. I wish I had stepped back from the precipice and ignored them more.

20. How will you spend New Year's Eve?

I’m not sure yet, but suffice it say, that Mrs PM and I will be somewhere that serves alcohol and has a dance floor playing cheesy music.

21. Did you fall in love in 2017?

No need. Mrs PM is still here with me.

22. What was your favourite TV program?

I have to say that the best new program I saw was Daredevil. Sorry – it is yet another Super hero series.

I also enjoyed Peter Capaldi’s last season as Dr Who.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Well we all know who I disliked last year and I still dislike them now. Add Kim Jong Un to that list.

24. What was the best book you read?

I thoroughly enjoyed the Atlantis trilogy by AG Riddle.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

A lot of established bands have been brilliant this year but I particularly enjoyed a relatively new Progressive rock band called the Mute Gods. More details in a later post.

26. What did you want and get?

My new phone.

27. What did you want and not get?

Common sense to prevail and for the government to admit that Brexit is such a huge mistake.

28. What was your favourite film of this year?

Two superhero movies (sorry):

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Mrs PM took me for a weekend away in Warwick. Photos of this wonderful little city and its amazing castle will follow in a future post. I was (and am) 55 years old.

30. What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Bugger all.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?

Fashion? You’re funny. I’m 55 – what do I care about fashion (other than to mock the absurdity of it).

32. What kept you sane?

That honour goes to Mrs PM.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Having watched Wonder Woman, I have to say Gal Gadot is worthy of admiration.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

The inexorable slide towards economic disaster that is Brexit and the constant barrage of insanity that is happening in the USA under Donald Trump.

35. Who did you miss?

I’m not ready to talk about that yet.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

I met a few good people this year, so there were a few shining lights in the hellscape that was 2017.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017.

I’m stronger than I thought I was.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to 

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, did it? 

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to 

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, did it?

And finally

Let’s hope 2018 is a better year. I know I said that this time last year, but I’m trying to be positive. I’ll start off by saying that I am planning to revamp The Plastic Mancunian blog sometime next year. 2018 sees the 10th anniversary of the nonsense I have been writing and the next month or two will hopefully see something different.

Of course, procrastination may kick in – but I hope not.

See you soon for a summary of the great music that crossed my path in 2017.

Trumpa Loompa

Donald Trump!

What a man!

What a legend!

I am astonished by what he has achieved in recent years and find myself gaping in wonder at his triumphs.

Donald Trump is President of the United States of America, elected by promising to make America great again. Having been a frequent visitor to the US I wonder how this is possible but clearly he has seen something the rest of the world hasn’t. I realise that there are people out there who doubt this and my own personal theory is that he is doing his best to bring America to its knees in his first term in order to make the country rise up like a phoenix when the next President has to pick up the pieces. Clearly he thinks it will take a few terms to achieve his goals of rebuilding this self-proclaimed greatest country in the world.

And he has God on his side. At the inauguration ceremony, where it was clearly raining, Donald told the world that God made the sun shine. The rest of us saw pissing rain – but Donald saw God. The rest of us saw a below average crowd of witnesses to this event whereas Donald saw billions of people – the greatest number of people in history to witness the inauguration of a President.

Donald also has the ability to run the government on social media. Twitter has become the means of making the country amazing again with policy statement after policy statement crammed into 140 letters. He even invents new words like ”covfefe” – a true genius at work.

Talking of genius, nobody has taken Donald up on his challenge to have an IQ test. They are running scared because Donald has a higher IQ than anybody in the world. He doesn’t have to prove himself. He’s the President for heaven’s sake.

I am also envious of his hair. Yes – you read that correctly. My hair is a sentient beast and leaps at every opportunity to humiliate me.  Donald has the BALLS to face his own sentient beast and march out to face his loyal people with his head held high even when his own hair has appalling ideas of its own.

Moreover, while we’re on the subject of physical appearance, Donald is a trendsetter. His skin colour is amazing and redefines the word “orange”. We all know that “orange is the new black”, a phrase I am certain that Donald invented via Twitter sometime in the past. Either he wants to be an influential leader or he is simply an orange alien with crazy hair. You decide.

Donald also trying to redefine “misogyny” because (he says) he respects all women. All the talk about grabbing women in  intimate places has to be fake news – surely. Surely his quip about dating his own daughter was a joke, When he said way back in 1992 that “you have to treat ‘em like shit!” that had to be fake news too, didn’t it?

Okay – who am I kidding here? All the buffoonery above is total bollocks!

The man is a bloody arse. Everybody knows it but nobody will admit it.

Surely America has sussed this guy out.

Surely?

There are numerous examples of him talking utter bollocks, boasting, lying, contradicting himself, being nasty to anyone who criticises him, hiring incompetents and firing people who challenge him.

There must be millions of Americans who voted for him saying “What on earth possessed me?”

Make America great again? Really?

Donald Trump has made America a laughing stock. But it isn’t funny any more. All he does in the White House is massage his own ego, something he cares about much more than his country.

Worse, his bullshit is taking a sinister turn. Here are some disturbing quotes:

“Rocket man is on a suicide mission for him and his regime.”

“Kim Jong Un of North Korea, who is obviously a madman who doesn't mind starving or killing his people, will be tested like never before!”

"North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States. They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen ... he has been very threatening beyond a normal state. They will be met with fire, fury and frankly power the likes of which this world has never seen before.”

And what about this scary exchange when Trump recently posed with a room full of military leaders:

Trump: Maybe it’s the calm before the storm. Could be, the calm. The calm before the storm.

Press: What do you mean, Mr President?

Trump: We have the world's great military people in this room, I will tell you that. And uh, we're gonna have a great evening.

Press: But what do you mean by “calm before the storm”, Mr President?

Trump: You’ll find out.

What the bloody hell is THAT supposed to mean?

Is he going to authorise a major military offensive?

Is he making threats to a deranged power-hungry lunatic in North Korea who just happens to be testing missiles that may soon reach the United States armed with a nuke?

Will this be the start of World War 3?

Oh my God!

I tell you what: there has never been a President like Donald Trump – and I hope to God that there will never be another one.

Here are some thoughts from British comedians:

I hope that's cheered you up a bit.

Guide To Life - Politics

I promised myself I wouldn’t talk about politics on this blog again. I am going to break that promise. However, unlike before, I am not going to rant about it. I kind of want people to understand why I say things I say and why I am a walking paradox, i.e. a man who despises politics and politicians yet feels the need to rant about it at almost every opportunity.

Actually, the truth is that I wanted to start a series of posts with the working title “Guide to Life” – my guide to life really – and I want to get politics out of the way first.

One of the things I have learned in 2017 is to adopt a more positive outlook on life and, fingers crossed, so far it has worked. Sadly, 2017 is proving to be as bad as 2016 (both personally and politically) and I may elaborate on that in my end of year round up.

So let’s talk about politics.

Basically I am what is known in Britain as a “lefty”. Some people have called me a “loony lefty” but the truth is I’m not one of those. Americans would probably call me a bleeding heart liberal.

I thought I would just put this up front because it explains why I am not keen on the British Conservative Party or the American Republican Party – or indeed any other right wing party.

What I have learned this year more than any, is that I really need to listen to those who have opposing views. And I have started to do that. I have realised that by chatting to Conservative voters, I can actually see where they are coming from. Of course, this is not always the case because I have been accused within the last month of being a “total lunatic” – but that is a one off. What I have found is that if you meet somebody with opposing views who is as reasonable as I am trying to be, then you can have a decent chat without animosity about your political differences and, most importantly, learn from them. Also, you can hope that the same occurs in the opposite direction and that they learn from you too.

The guy who told me that I was a “total lunatic” disagreed with my philosophy of wanting to help other people. I explained to him that Conservatives, also universally known as the “Nasty Party” in the UK (not by me by the way), adopt measures that expand the gap between rich and poor and austerity measures have a devastating effect on those who need it most – the poor. Rich people are generally less affected. I would be quite happy to pay more tax to assist.

He admitted that he was “selfish” and didn’t care about the less needy in our society. I can’t change his personality and I didn’t try – I just disagreed with him. At the end, we shook hands and he said “Great discussion but I think you’re a total lunatic.”

I wanted to say “I’m just a nice guy!” but I stopped myself.

We recently had an election in the UK and it was a corker. Our Prime Minister, Conservative Party leader Theresa May, wanted to steamroller her Brexit policies through parliament without the opposition having a say. The problem is that her majority was not very big and she feared that she faced problems. If the right wing press are to be believed, the opposition leader, Jeremy Corbyn, is an incompetent and unpopular lunatic. Theresa May decided to have a snap election (having promised that she wouldn’t do that) because her approval rating was sky high compared to Jeremy Corbyn’s.

Theresa May pretending to be a normal person

Corbyn: "Give us a kiss, Theresa"

In her mind, she would not only win, her victory would be a landslide and she would get absolutely everything she wanted through parliament and Brexit, as well as other right wing policies, would fly through with a massive majority.

Her arrogance was breath-taking.

However, she didn’t reckon on Jeremy Corbyn being a far more charismatic and principled leader. She also didn’t realise that the Conservative manifesto would piss off just about everybody but the most die-hard lovers of the party. Worse, she led with the soundbite “strong and stable” and proved to be the complete opposite, refusing to debate on live TV and only talking to the party faithful instead of the average man in the street.

She didn’t lose the election. She won.

The problem is that her majority has been slashed and we have a “hung parliament” which means that no party has overall control.

She is in a worse position than she was before and any Brexit or other policies stand a great chance of being outvoted by the opposition parties. In American terms, she is a “lame duck” Prime Minister.

I love this, not just because I oppose Brexit vehemently. I love it because the gutter press have had a kick in the teeth for their attacks on Corbyn and he has proven to be far more popular than her as a leader.

What this means for Brexit, I don’t know – but it is better than before. It is a spectacular own goal.

I have stopped ranting about Donald Trump too. In fact, on the contrary, I am now fascinated by what’s going on over in the United States. While internal US politics usually has no interest, Trump’s term is proving to be mesmerising, not least because of his tweets, his arrogance, his self-contradiction, his outrageously unpopular policies and his idiocy (and while he may be intelligent in terms of business, his pedigree as a politician is proving to be the complete opposite).

"How am I getting away this this? I have no idea!"

I remember Nixon resigning but I was too young to fully understand why. With Trump, I feel like I am watching a Hollywood movie and I am already overstuffed on popcorn, waiting for the next instalment.

Basically, to conclude, I think we should all listen to each other’s views on politics and learn to understand them. I welcome anybody to comment and either agree that indeed I am a lunatic – as long as you tell me why. If you are British and a Brexit supported or are American and love Donald Trump then please also feel free to engage.

I won’t bite.

And, for now, I will stop referring to Donald Trump as an Oompa Loompa.

Rise of the Alternative Fact

In the good old days, a fact was a fact. A fact could walk down the street with its head held high and tell everyone around that it was the truth.

In recent times, however, facts are being challenged by something that is getting stronger every single day.

We are led to believe that facts are no longer facts. We are told that the facts we know and love are now lies.

Never before has a simple fact been persecuted so much. Never before have so many people declared war on the fact, promoting lies and half-truths as the new fact and even giving these evil pretenders to the throne a new moniker – the “alternative fact”.

So what is an “alternative fact”?

Put simply, it is a lie - nothing more; nothing less. Just because it has the word "fact" in its name, doesn't make it the truth.

These “alternative facts” are sadly now becoming the norm and people are ignoring real facts in favour of these imposters because it helps them get ahead.

Such people believe that by repeating the “alternative fact” over and over again, people will actually start to believe them. The real facts do not support their arguments or views – therefore they have to invent “alternative facts” and try to convince people that their weird view of the world is true.

Here are some “alternative facts” that have crossed my radar in recent times.

No planes hit the World Trade Center on September 11th, 2001.

We all saw what happened. We all saw at least one aircraft fly directly into the building on that fateful day. Yet some people actually believe that the government or some shady evil organisation used digital composting to fool us all into believing that the aircraft hit the building – even on the amateur footage from the streets below.

The world is flat. 

I’ve actually written about this preposterous notion before. You can read about it here.

Scientology is a religion.

One day I will write a post about Scientology – or maybe a book.

Donald Trump’s inauguration as President was the most attended ever.

Sorry – it’s oompa loompa time again. This is one of many "alternative facts" we will see in the next four years. The photos prove it for goodness sake.

They are all nonsense.

Mind you, this got me thinking. I have recently come across a few so-called facts that are not really facts at all but are universally held as truth by most of us. People, including myself, have taken them as gospel for years and years - but they are all lies.

I apologise, dear reader, because I am about to shatter some illusions. The following “facts” are false:

When you flush a toilet in Australia, the water rotates in the opposite direction to that of a toilet flushed in the UK.

Incorrect! The water rotates in the same direction on both sides of our planet.

A Black Hole is a hole in space. 

Wrong! It is a hugely dense object with a massive gravitational pull.

We only use 10% of our brains.

Nonsense! We actually use all of our brain at various points in a typical day.

Electrons orbit around the nucleus of an atom.

Garbage! When I took A-Level chemistry, my teacher told me that most of the stuff we had learned for the past five years was simplified or untrue. Electrons are actually clouds of negative charge that ripple and flow around the nucleus.

Caffeine dehydrates you.

Rubbish! The dehydrating effects of caffeine are more than balanced by the water that accompanies it.

Bulls hate the colour red.

Bullshit! In fact bulls are probably infuriated by the cape because it is the thing that is moving the most.

There is no gravity in space.

Horsecrap! Gravity is everywhere, even in the void of our solar system. What do you think keeps our planet in orbit around the sun?

Adam and Eve ate an apple from God’s forbidden tree.

Blithering baloney! The bible, if that is to be believed, doesn’t mention apples at all; it simply states that they ate the “fruit” of the tree. Probably a pear, actually – because they are foul and disgusting.

Goldfish have a three second memory.

Poppycock! Apparently the memory of a goldfish lasts for a couple of months (mind you – I do wonder how they know this!).

Bagpipes are Scottish!

McBullshit! I particularly like this one – these wailing dirge machines originated in the Middle East.

Ninjas wore black.

Drivel! A true ninja has to blend in. If he or she wears a black ninja costume in the centre of Manchester, he is likely to attract too much attention. Ninjas really wear everyday clothes to blend in so they can attack you when you least expect it.

So you see, dear reader, “alternative facts” are on the rise especially given recent political events.

And I have one last “alternative fact” that will blow your mind.

I am not plastic, nor am I really a Mancunian (though I have lived in Manchester for over 30 years),

My name is Dave, though.

And that's a fact.

The Quest For Positivity

I just want to reassure you all that this post may initially appear to be a political ranting mess from the mind of an angry Plastic Mancunian.

It isn’t.

It is about positivity.

First of all, let me say this: Donald J Trump is an incredible man.

Yes, you’ve read that correctly.

“Why would you say this?” I hear you cry. “You’ve said horrible things about him on this very blog.” 

That is true. Here are some of the things I have said:

“I mean look at the guy! He has mad hair and a mad attitude.”

“He's like a walking parody of a politician, an idiot who allows his mouth to utter his thoughts without going through his mental firewall.”

“I am a lot younger than the oversized oompa loompa with mad hair currently residing in the White House.”

I stand by those things – I think “the Donald” is as mad as a bag of badgers. Yet the reason I think he is incredible is because he seems to be getting away with it and has conned a lot of people – somehow. I would like to add that he is also a comedian.

The Plastic Mancunian of 2016 would have ranted and raved like an insane lunatic about the antics of the man who is leading America into a deeply uncertain future. However, I want to thank my quest for positivity for making me step back and remove negative thoughts about Donald Trump and also Brexit.

In the case of Trump, I watched the highlights (or should I say lowlights) of his totally embarrassing and deranged press conference last week and I actually laughed.

There was no anger. What is there to get angry about?

His lies were exposed (again!) and most of the western world were and remain incredulous that this man has the balls to say what he says.

That is why he is an incredible man. Everything he says is incredible and his outrageous lies are so breath-taking that they are hilarious.

So instead of dragging my soapbox out of retirement, I have been watching marvellous comedians, satirists and political commentators from both sides of the Atlantic, ripping him apart.

I have had a great time.

A positive outlook also helped me cope with a potentially disastrous family exchange on Sunday.

Before I continue, let me just fill you in on a few things you need to know.

(1) Mrs PM’s mum is a rampant Brexiteer, which means that she gets really, really angry because we haven’t left the European Union yet.

(2) I am the complete opposite and Brexit was the main contributor to my ranting negative angry persona in 2016.

(3) Mrs PM’s mum and I have had several arguments over the years, one in particular over lunch in a nice restaurant where I totally belittled her in public. Mrs PM and Mrs PM’s other half told us both off for being so stubborn and humiliating them in public.

(4) I avoided Mrs PM’s mum for almost five months in 2016 because I knew that the moment she brought up Brexit I would erupt like a human volcano and say lots of things that I would regret.

(5) Mrs PM’s mum’s political views are the polar opposite of mine.

(6) The only political similarity between Mrs PM’s mum and I is that we both have been known to stand up and bellow at political programmes on the television.

(7) Until today, Mrs PM had ordered her mum, that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should she mention Brexit in front of me.

(8) Apart from politics, Mrs PM’s mum and I get on really, really well and we have been on holiday together quite a few times.

(9) Former Prime Minister Tony Blair, a rampant Remainer last week urged the people of the UK to rise up and fight against Brexit, causing every single Brexiteer in the UK to bellow their hatred of, in their words, “this arrogant delusional undemocratic arsehole”.

(10) Mrs PM’s mum hates Tony Blair.

On Saturday night we stayed at her mum’s house in Blackpool and went out for a lovely Chinese meal. Afterwards we went to the pub for a nightcap before returning to her house to retire for the night.

Now picture the scene:

I came down in the morning to see Mrs PM’s mum with a face like thunder. She was sitting on the television watching a political programme where the interviewer was asking a politician about whether Tony Blair could and should attempt to derail Brexit. The politician was talking and Mrs PM’s mum slapped the sofa in anger and looked like a coiled spring, ready to launch into a tirade of abuse about Remainers.

She knows my political stance and glared at me with the words “I AM SO WOUND UP!”.

Her face dared me to speak, challenged me to rant about Brexit. She had prepared herself for a confrontation with a Remainer, and there was one standing in her lounge - ME! The good time we had had the night before was a mere memory in her eyes.

The 2016 version of the Plastic Mancunian would have embraced the fight and unleashed my true thoughts about Brexiteers to her. He would have told her what he thought of her views and he would have insulted her with words that he would later regret. He would have pointed out her narrow-minded hypocrisy and upset everybody.

I somehow found something within to calm the situation. I wanted to be positive and non-confrontational. I knew that trying to point out why I hated her views would be as futile as leaping off Blackpool Tower in the hope that I would sprout wings and glide over the Irish Sea like a seagull.

I sat next to her and said, as calmly as possible:

“I am equally wound up but my views are the exact opposite of yours. Let’s find something else to watch.”

She looked at me in a puzzled way and then also found something within. Her face softened and she remembered where she was and who was in front of her.

“Do you want some tea and toast?” she said, finally realising that I was a guest in her house.

“Yes please,” I said. "Remainer tea, with Remainer milk and toasted Remainer bread with Remainer butter.”

I nudged her and grinned.

She smiled back and said “We only serve Brexit breakfast here.”

By this time I had flicked over the channel and Frasier popped on the TV.

“Have you ever seen this?” I said, swiftly changing the subject

“No, “ she said and then got up to make my breakfast.

Her other half then came in and said, “She’s been ranting all morning.”

But now she had stopped. I got my lovely toast and a fine cup of tea. The subject was forgotten and not mentioned again, even though , deep down, the anarchist within me wanted to destroy her argument in a furious verbal attack.

I regard that as a small victory for positivity.

The future is bright.

Fake News

Last week MPs in Britain decided to launch a parliamentary enquiry into something that has been disturbing them more than looking at their own faces in the mirror.

They are worried about what they describe as “the growing phenomenon of fake news”.

When I read this, I struggled to contain myself. After 2016 my soapbox is currently totally worn out and in hiding and I strive to be more positive and this news story almost made me break my resolution not to rant.

Almost!

And then I just laughed at the hypocrisy of it all.

MPs, known for their ability to tell lies at the drop of a hat, are complaining because somebody is actually outdoing them. The number of lies that these mutant power hungry liars told in 2016 is utterly breath-taking. The hypocrisy is so tangible I could shake its hand and take it out for a meal.

Are these MPs just being dumb or do they think that the general public is stupid too?

They portray themselves as paragons of virtue and yet their entire lives are spent fooling the general public by lying to themselves to get elected.

It makes me wonder whether any of them have actually read any tabloid newspapers like the Daily Mail or Daily Express which have basically been publishing fake news ever since I can remember. If they want to have an enquiry into fake news they should visit the offices of these two rags and listen in as their editors discuss the lies they are about to publish for the week ahead.

And then they should investigate their own house, including most of the speeches they make in parliament – or on programmes like Question Time where they hand out half-baked lies backed up by fake figures to an audience.

What they are really pissed off about is the fact that the general public are being swayed by other sources of lies apart from their own. Worse, some of them have even been caught out themselves, using fake news stories to reinforce their points only to discover that they have been led up the garden path themselves.

It’s all about gullibility and personally I love reading truly fake news – because it’s hilarious. Some of the stories out there are amazing.

Many years ago, a spoof newspaper arrived in the UK called “The Sunday Sport” and basically it publishes ridiculous stores in a similar way to the usual British press – but in this case they are clearly crazy.

Here are some example headlines:

“World War II Bomber Found On Moon”

“Statue of Elvis Found on Mars”

“Adolf Hitler Was A Woman”

“London Bus Found Buried At The South Pole”

There are lots more so-called stories but a lot of them these days are rather crude albeit still funny.

However, if you compare these obviously spoof stories with some of the supposedly genuine tabloid newspaper stories, sometimes it’s difficult to tell the difference. Headlines like:

“Freddy Starr Ate My Hamster”

“Boy, 4, Has The Mark Of The Devil”

“UFO Hits Wind Turbine”

To be honest, my feeling is that politicians should get their own house in order before targetting so-called fake news. For example, last year, I was beyond being outraged at some of the blatant lies we are hearing from the aftermath of Brexit and also those coming from the other side of the Atlantic as Donald Trump also waged war on those media outlets that are trying to tarnish his image.

Thankfully, I stopped reading newspapers years ago and some fake news sites are far more entertaining. I prefer to rely on news on the TV rather than the intended brainwashing by newspapers whose editors have their own agenda to influence world politics.

Of course, all of this will change when I become world president. I’m just biding my time until I find the right moment to strike.

Don’t laugh.

My time will come. I am younger than Theresa May and a lot younger than the oversized oompa loompa with mad hair currently residing in the White House so there is plenty of time for me to start my own propaganda machine.

In fact, I’ve set the machine in motion by contacting Mr Trump himself. He agrees with me and is preparing an executive order.

Similarly I have been in touch with Theresa May, the current Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and she is whole-heartedly behind me.

Now how’s that for news?

Progressive Thoughts - Day 25

Today’s song is a full blown epic from the genius that is Devin Townsend. The song is called Earth Day and is one of my favourite songs.

I love this song not only because it is brilliant musically, it is also a kind of piss take of all songs that try to influence people with a hidden message and the lyrics are actually quite amusing in my opinion.

So just shut your face and take a seat

Because after all, you're just talking meat

And music?

Well, it's just entertainment folks.

A friend of mine is a big fan of Irish superstars U2 and last time he saw Bono and the boys, quite a few years ago now, he was a little annoyed.

“Were they any good?” I asked. 

“Musically, yes,” he replied. “But I paid a fortune and I don’t want to pay that kind of money to be berated by Bono for not agreeing with his views.”

Apparently Bono was ranting at the audience again.

He’s famous for it and a lot of his fans are put off by his antics. I know I am and I would never go to a U2 concert for that reason. That said, a lot of people do watch them live and buy their albums so he must think he is loved. I own a couple of their albums and if you cut through the bullshit, some of them are actually okay (well the early ones anyway).

As I’ve said before in this blogathon, I kind of like intelligent lyrics when there is a message.

Sometimes I choose to ignore it but in general I don’t mind too much. I’d rather listen to a song with a message than a song about a bloke picking up a woman in a night club and spending the night together rutting like rabbits.

I find it annoying when artists impose their views on their fans. I don’t count ranting at them; I mean forcing them to adopt their views for a brief period of time.

“How can somebody do that? “ I hear you cry.

Morrissey did just that.

When fans of The Smiths turned up in Manchester to see their idol, they were greeted by a sign that said:

Furthermore, as part of his set, he played a song called Meat is Murder whilst on the video screen at the back, the audience were treated to scenes of gruesome horror from various slaughterhouses.

Do you think that’s a good thing, dear reader?

I don’t. 

I think I would have walked out of the gig and demanded my money back.

You may think that’s hypocritical and perhaps you are right but there is a difference between listening to a political rant from Bono (which to be honest I wouldn’t really enjoy either) and the total ban of meat for an audience most of whom are, like the rest of us, omnivores.

I’m not against vegetarianism or veganism – each to their own I say. I have friends who do not eat meat for whatever reason and I know and I totally understand their reasons. What I don't want is for them to spend all of their time trying to preach to me about why I should give up meat. And they don't.

If I have paid a fortune to an artist to see him perform (his ticket prices are really expensive) and am banned from partaking in a favourite foodstuff while watching (apparently) 15 minutes of horror then that artist has crossed a line.

Just to reiterate what Devin says in his song: 

And music?

Well, it's just entertainment folks.

Let’s just remember that, Bono and Morrissey, shall we?

Progressive Thoughts - Day 24

Today’s song is my favourite by Muse and it’s called Knights of Cydonia.

The song is an anthem for people who want to stand up for themselves, fight oppression and take control of their own destiny.

I particularly like the lyric:

I’ll show you a god who falls asleep on the job

How can we win when fools can be kings?

I believe this rings true particularly in recent times and, as I’ve said before, the anarchist inside me is chomping at the bit to lash out at the injustices of the world. Sensibly, I now choose to ignore him, apart from the occasional rant, mainly because I have become pragmatic about these things.

I know that there are few people in the world who totally agree with me about everything, so, when I think about it, why should anybody else listen to me when I stand up like an angry old blond ape and start pontificating about how everybody should have my ideals?

The truth is that they shouldn’t. All they will do, at best, is take my views on board and make their own judgements. That’s (kind of) what I do am starting to do myself to be honest, much to the anarchist’s disgust.

Ultimately we live in a democracy and while everything might not be perfect, at least there are ways to protest peacefully without fear of reprisals.

All of this certainly hasn’t stopped me ranting in the past, something which others have found entertaining, probably because I can be quite energetic, animated and use certain phrases (peppered with the odd expletive) to express my disgust.

There have been several targets over the years and when I look back over some of them, I have in some ways been proven to be correct. Most have been political figures but sometimes the world of popular culture is a decent and easy target.

To be perfectly honest with you, I hate ranting about politics and I try my best not to do so – particularly on this blog. Last year, in 2016, I wound myself up so much that I actually started to hate the world around me and I found that totally unacceptable.

My views on life were uncharacteristically negative and the spiral of despair threatened to go out of control.

I made a vow to stop being negative in 2017 and start thinking positively. Thus far, it seems to be working.

I almost snapped at work last week when a colleague told me about a story he had read on the internet. It involved a young female who had been cut off by her parents for being a spoiled brat. She claims it is because her boyfriend was black but her parents deny this.

What did she do? She raised $10000 through crowdfunding. People actually gave her money.

The anarchist within rubbed his hands in glee because this was worthy of a rant and, for about ten seconds, I forgot my resolution, took a deep breath and handed over the reins to the anarchist.

And then I stopped.

“What am I doing?” I asked myself. “Does this really make a difference to me? Why should I care?”

I turned to my friend and said “You almost got me!”

“SHIT!” he exclaimed. “I was looking forward to the first rant of the year!”

Another colleague said “I’m not sure I like this new Dave!” and I think she actually meant it.

To be honest, I don’t care.

I want to be happy and unless I actually move completely out of my comfort zone and start actively DOING stuff about it, as Muse suggest, I will get nowhere. In fact, even if I do that I will still probably get nowhere.

All I can do is moan and there are too many good things in life to let these monolithic developments get me down.

I used to own a mug that said “Don’t Let The Bastards Get You Down” which I bought in protest to my company’s policy of not allowing swearing in the work place.

But that joke mug has a message that is actually something deeper.

The best way out is to joke about it and hopefully you will see the mad anarchistic rants of 2016 become cynical and satirical put downs instead.

And that will piss of the anarchist no end.

Guilty M'lud!

Whenever I return from a holiday or from a pastime that I enjoy, there is always a feeling of guilt deep down inside me that threatens to ruin the memories of the fun I have had.

It shouldn’t be this way, dear reader.

I blame politicians and control freaks
.
We need to stand up against this outrageous manipulation of our feelings as these people try to control us by pointing out the bad things in life.

Are you with me?

When I go on holiday it is like the steam valve on a pressure cooker has been released and the true me escapes into the world like dog let off a leash.

I eat too much, drink too much and sleep too much.

I spend my time either being lazy and relaxing or embracing new cultural experiences.

I make rude gestures at Mr Motivator, the corporate bastard who tries to dominate my life.

I ignore advice from governmental arseholes who think that they know what is best for me.

And when I set foot back in my own home, part of me feels guilty , even if I have only been away for seven days, because:

I have over-indulged on food that is going to make me fat and unhealthy.

I have drunk more beer than I should have with little regard for the consequences.

I have wasted part of the day because I went to bed at 1am, got up at 10am, having spent too much time sleeping and just lying in bed with a good book.

I have spent time on a sunbed reading or listening to music while watching the sea gently lap up onto a golden beach, when I could have (and in certain people’s eyes should have) been doing something productive.

All thoughts of work have been dispelled and I have dreamt about leaving and burning all of my bridges with Mr Motivator.

I have done exactly what I wanted.

The current guilt-laden culture of living really pisses me off. Why? Because ...

I am made to feel guilty because I have a full English breakfast on a Saturday morning. 

I am made to feel guilty because I choose to spend three hours binge-watching Sons of Anarchy instead of going outside to do something more active.

I am made to feel guilty because I want to go for a long walk at my own pace instead of killing myself to run a 10K race.

I am made to feel guilty because I leave work early to relax instead of choosing to stay behind for four hours listening to Mr Motivator’s bullshit.

I am made to feel guilty because I have an extra beer on a Friday night.

I am made to feel guilty because I sometimes want to some “me time”.

I am made to feel guilty for sleeping in at the weekend.

I am made to feel guilty not getting over-excited when I read the latest banal post on Facebook.

I am made to feel guilty because I choose to go to a rock concert instead of an opera.

I am made to feel guilty because I tell people why I do not like things.

I am made to feel guilty because I no longer send Christmas cards or Valentines cards. 

I am made to feel guilty for being happy.

I am made to feel guilty for swearing when I’m pissed off.

I am made to feel guilty for having fish and chips!

I am made to feel guilty about going on holiday.

I am made to feel guilty for not working hard enough by Mr Motivator and politicians who praise “hard-working families” without actually knowing how fucking hard people DO work.

I am made to feel guilty by refusing to give money to charities, even though I give money to other charities.

I am made to feel guilty for going out when the BBC hand over their entire Friday Night schedule to a charity telethon.

I am made to feel guilty for watching football. 

I am made to feel guilty about sneaking food into the cinema because the bastards try to rip me off with overpriced and oversized portions of crap.

I am made to feel guilty about having a big cream bun!

I am made to feel guilty for telling people “No”!

I am made to feel guilty for doing exactly what I want to do and not what other people want me to do to “fit in”.

I am made to feel guilty for playing video games at the age of 53.

I am made to feel guilty for spending my own money on things I want.

Well, dear reader, there are many reasons other things that people try to make me feel guilty about and to be brutally frank I’ve had enough!

I think I need to make a change and stick two fingers up to the establishment on certain occasion.

The fightback starts here!

I am NOT GUILTY M'lud!

Now PISS OFF and leave me alone!

Are you with me, dear reader?

Therapy

Recent events have got me really angry. My normal grumpiness has become rampant and I have an urge to rant at everything I see on the news.

2016 has been, so far, a year I totally want to forget – and it’s not even over yet! I haven’t spoken to Mrs PM’s parents since Brexit because I know that I will say something to them that I regret, upsetting them, Mrs PM and even myself in the process. Mrs PM and her mum have already exchanged tense words resulting in Mrs PM slamming the phone down on her own mother.

My anger is building up so much that I am turning into Mr Angry, the person I mocked so mercilessly just a month or two ago.  As soon as I hear the news I start ranting. I have given up reading newspapers because they make me angry.

Grumpiness is one thing – rage is another and I am full of rage.

And I hate myself for it because this is not me – this is not the laid back guy I have known all my life.

I need a holiday and, thank goodness, I am off tomorrow to Nice, a beautiful city in the south of France.

And for that, I need to calm down before I set foot on French soil.

So to help me, I have been looking through some of my old photos to raise my spirits and try to forget names like David Cameron, Nigel Farage, Michael Gove, the Conservative Party, Donald Trump, Brexit and, yes, bloody England – the country that I love but the country that has pissed me off more in the past few months than it has at any time in my life – even more so than when Margaret Thatcher’s reign of terror was at its peak.

With that in mind, I thought I would share a couple of those photos with you, dear reader.

I hope you like them.

Hong Kong at Night

Tokyo - Barrels of Sake

Budapest - Hungarian Parliament Building

Rio de Janeiro - A Famous Statue

Rome - The Spanish Steps

 

A Temple in Kyoto

Kyoto - Lots of Torii

Santorini

Prague - Performing in front of an Old Church

A Big Cathedral in Barcelona

The Great Wall of China

That's better. I feel much calmer now. I need to be in a good frame of mind for packing so maybe I should do that too.

I am making a promise to myself here and now - I will not watch the news between now and 6am tomorrow when I have to be at the airport.

I'll leave with you with a tune that reflects my new found calmness and coincidentally is by my favourite band from France.



Au revoir et à bientôt, mes amis.