Guide To Life - Politics

I promised myself I wouldn’t talk about politics on this blog again. I am going to break that promise. However, unlike before, I am not going to rant about it. I kind of want people to understand why I say things I say and why I am a walking paradox, i.e. a man who despises politics and politicians yet feels the need to rant about it at almost every opportunity.

Actually, the truth is that I wanted to start a series of posts with the working title “Guide to Life” – my guide to life really – and I want to get politics out of the way first.

One of the things I have learned in 2017 is to adopt a more positive outlook on life and, fingers crossed, so far it has worked. Sadly, 2017 is proving to be as bad as 2016 (both personally and politically) and I may elaborate on that in my end of year round up.

So let’s talk about politics.

Basically I am what is known in Britain as a “lefty”. Some people have called me a “loony lefty” but the truth is I’m not one of those. Americans would probably call me a bleeding heart liberal.

I thought I would just put this up front because it explains why I am not keen on the British Conservative Party or the American Republican Party – or indeed any other right wing party.

What I have learned this year more than any, is that I really need to listen to those who have opposing views. And I have started to do that. I have realised that by chatting to Conservative voters, I can actually see where they are coming from. Of course, this is not always the case because I have been accused within the last month of being a “total lunatic” – but that is a one off. What I have found is that if you meet somebody with opposing views who is as reasonable as I am trying to be, then you can have a decent chat without animosity about your political differences and, most importantly, learn from them. Also, you can hope that the same occurs in the opposite direction and that they learn from you too.

The guy who told me that I was a “total lunatic” disagreed with my philosophy of wanting to help other people. I explained to him that Conservatives, also universally known as the “Nasty Party” in the UK (not by me by the way), adopt measures that expand the gap between rich and poor and austerity measures have a devastating effect on those who need it most – the poor. Rich people are generally less affected. I would be quite happy to pay more tax to assist.

He admitted that he was “selfish” and didn’t care about the less needy in our society. I can’t change his personality and I didn’t try – I just disagreed with him. At the end, we shook hands and he said “Great discussion but I think you’re a total lunatic.”

I wanted to say “I’m just a nice guy!” but I stopped myself.

We recently had an election in the UK and it was a corker. Our Prime Minister, Conservative Party leader Theresa May, wanted to steamroller her Brexit policies through parliament without the opposition having a say. The problem is that her majority was not very big and she feared that she faced problems. If the right wing press are to be believed, the opposition leader, Jeremy Corbyn, is an incompetent and unpopular lunatic. Theresa May decided to have a snap election (having promised that she wouldn’t do that) because her approval rating was sky high compared to Jeremy Corbyn’s.

Theresa May pretending to be a normal person

Corbyn: "Give us a kiss, Theresa"

In her mind, she would not only win, her victory would be a landslide and she would get absolutely everything she wanted through parliament and Brexit, as well as other right wing policies, would fly through with a massive majority.

Her arrogance was breath-taking.

However, she didn’t reckon on Jeremy Corbyn being a far more charismatic and principled leader. She also didn’t realise that the Conservative manifesto would piss off just about everybody but the most die-hard lovers of the party. Worse, she led with the soundbite “strong and stable” and proved to be the complete opposite, refusing to debate on live TV and only talking to the party faithful instead of the average man in the street.

She didn’t lose the election. She won.

The problem is that her majority has been slashed and we have a “hung parliament” which means that no party has overall control.

She is in a worse position than she was before and any Brexit or other policies stand a great chance of being outvoted by the opposition parties. In American terms, she is a “lame duck” Prime Minister.

I love this, not just because I oppose Brexit vehemently. I love it because the gutter press have had a kick in the teeth for their attacks on Corbyn and he has proven to be far more popular than her as a leader.

What this means for Brexit, I don’t know – but it is better than before. It is a spectacular own goal.

I have stopped ranting about Donald Trump too. In fact, on the contrary, I am now fascinated by what’s going on over in the United States. While internal US politics usually has no interest, Trump’s term is proving to be mesmerising, not least because of his tweets, his arrogance, his self-contradiction, his outrageously unpopular policies and his idiocy (and while he may be intelligent in terms of business, his pedigree as a politician is proving to be the complete opposite).

"How am I getting away this this? I have no idea!"

I remember Nixon resigning but I was too young to fully understand why. With Trump, I feel like I am watching a Hollywood movie and I am already overstuffed on popcorn, waiting for the next instalment.

Basically, to conclude, I think we should all listen to each other’s views on politics and learn to understand them. I welcome anybody to comment and either agree that indeed I am a lunatic – as long as you tell me why. If you are British and a Brexit supported or are American and love Donald Trump then please also feel free to engage.

I won’t bite.

And, for now, I will stop referring to Donald Trump as an Oompa Loompa.

The Time Of Liars

How can you tell when  a politician is lying?

It’s easy; he’s talking.

The time I dread is upon us;  that’s if you live in the United Kingdom. Yes, it’s election time again, when we are subjected to a parade of lying politicians appearing on the television, on the radio, on the internet and, if like me you are unlucky enough to live in a marginal constituency, on your own doorstep.

It’s time for an election and for the next few weeks the British people have to endure a bunch of double-talking, dishonest and deceitful hypocrites promising the world and delivering nothing but their own agenda.

Over the coming weeks, the news will be full of these people using scare tactics or worse to get us to put a tick in a box next to the name of a lying representative of their party, all so that one of the leaders can become our next Prime Minister and spend the next five years shafting us all in one way or another.

So what array of liars do we have?

Allow me to introduce them to you.

David Cameron is the current Prime Minister and leader of the Conservative party, a party who love rich people. With his Chancellor, George Osbourne, you have two former public school boys who think that they are one with people, declaring “We’re all in this together,” while at the same time allowing the rich to get richer and the poor, via a savage austerity programme, to get poorer.

David Cameron

Osborne - Smugness Personified

Ed Miliband is the leader of the opposition and has become a laughing stock, simply because he looks like a melting waxwork and speaks as if he has a huge ball of cotton wool up his nostrils. While he claims to stand for fairness, it’s difficult to believe him and not just because his rhetoric is delivered from his funny face and lopsided mouth.

Which one is the leader of Labour Party?

The current Deputy Prime Minister and leader of the Liberal Democrats is Nick Clegg, a man whose party is currently in government as the tiny party in coalition with David Cameron’s Conservatives. He made promises before the election but his party realistically couldn’t get elected with a majority on their own. They formed an unholy alliance with the Conservatives and when they had a taste of power all of their pre-election promises were completely broken. He made an impassioned film apologising for his deceit but all this did was make his party even more unpopular.

Nick Clegg

Nick Clegg's  apology was quite rightfully mocked:

But the really bad thing is that thanks to his broken promises my younger son will leave university in a few years’ time with an enormous debt.

Clegg’s party is now floundering and this has let in a very scary party called UKIP (UK Independence Party) led by “man of the people”, the beer drinking, smoking man who “tells it like it is”, Mr Nigel Farage. Like Ed Miliband, he is a strange looking guy but he resonates with the little Englanders up and down the country who blame every problem in the UK on one thing: immigration.

Farage - Looney Leader

While Farage tells his scaremongering lies very eloquently, claiming that he does not lead a racist party, certain UKIP councillors and other members of his party have exposed their true colours.

Like this lady:

She was sacked. But what about this man?



He was sacked too. How about the UKIP councillor who blamed a series of severe floods in the south of England on David Cameron’s decision to legalise gay marriage?

He too was suspended. It seems to me that Mr Farage has his work cut out trying to apologise for the loonies in his party.

Nigel Farage - nothing more needs to be said

There are other parties too, most notably Plaid Cymru (“The Party for Wales”) and the Scottish Nationalist Party, neither of whom I can vote for, who are totally driven by issues for their own country and the break-up of the United Kingdom.

Usually it is a two horse race between Labour and the Conservatives but this time there seems to be no party that will get the required majority. This means that we will almost certainly end up with yet another coalition, lots more broken promises and, if we are really unlucky, a lunatic party like UKIP having a say in government policies.

As I said, I live in a marginal constituency which means that the only likely winners for my seat are the Liberal Democrats or Labour. There will be a stream of leaflets from these two parties through my letterbox and if I am really unlucky, the party activists and/or prospective MPs themselves will come-a-knocking hoping that I will promise to vote for them.

When I get my ballot paper, I want another option. I know I won’t get it but you can hope, can’t you?

The option is “None of the Above”.

Alternatively, I could vote for The Official Monster Raving Looney Party (“Vote For Insanity”) – and yes they really do exist (click here if you don't believe me).

With candidates like “Sir Oink-a-lot”, “Baron von Thunderclap”, “R.U.Seerius”, “Minkey the Drummer” and “Baron Barnes von Claptrap” they will make more sense than the liars we have to suffer.

Hopefully, on the night, TV coverage will be like this:

We can live in hope, can’t we?

Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies ...

There is a period in the British calendar that most people dread and unfortunately that time is upon us.

It is a time of lies, deceit, sycophancy, boredom and terrible clichés. It is a time when people roll their eyes in disgust; a time for ranting and a time for puking at obsequiousness. It is a time when some grown men will cower rather than answer their front door. It is a time when most people will want to switch off their TV sets and stop reading newspapers. It is a time of awful tabloid headlines (no change there) and violence-inducing editorials. It is a time of tedium. It is a time of pain, anger and frustration. It is a time for old men to kiss babies and visit people they don’t care about who are sitting in hospital beds. It is a time for liars to visit schools and pontificate.

It is time for a General Election.

The TV will be full of insipid politicians blithering on about subjects that matter, but peppering their rhetoric with false claims and lies about other politicians. Old politicians will be wheeled out to make jingoistic speeches on behalf of the current crop of deceitful buffoons.

TV presenters will wet themselves in public as they tell us the results of meaningless opinion poll after meaningless opinion poll. Speeches will be over-analysed, every word being examined to determine its hidden meaning.

If you are very unlucky, you will live in a marginal constituency, which means that all manner of boring politician will descend on your locality, possibly even knocking on your door to urge you to vote for them.

Guess who lives in a marginal constituency? Yes – that’s right – I DO!!

The sickening sycophancy started a week or two ago but now the election has been formally announced, the entire process will crank up several gears into rampant overdrive.

Babies will be kissed so much that their heads will be covered in a thin film of politician saliva.

Some politicians may even stand on a soapbox and wag their fingers in a condescending way to the electorate while making a speech full of big words, political clichés and total bullshit.

I hate elections – perhaps you have guessed.

I enjoy watching the news but during this month of political upheaval there is no news other than the bloody election. Here is a typical 30 minute news bulletin during an election:

“Welcome to the Six O’Clock News. The headlines tonight – the election stepped up a gear tonight …”

28 minutes of political crap.

“… and now other news. A giant asteroid measuring twenty miles across is heading for Earth and may arrive before the end of the election. That might affect opinion polls. Here’s what the party leaders have to say …”

To be honest it is our privilege as a democracy to be able to vote and so it should be. However, what I object to is the constant barrage of political nonsense that I am forced to absorb with all five senses for a month.

Gordon Brown announced the election yesterday, April 6th. The election will take place on 6th May. That’s a whole month when my living room and all newspapers will be full of politics. People will talk about politics and argue about politics. Politics is tedious and I will have to eat it, sleep it, crap it and then flush it away, only for more tons of the stuff to seep into my life the next day.

It drives me nuts.

So who can we vote for?

We have three main political parties and quite a few minority parties.

The current Prime Minister is a Scottish man called Gordon Brown, leader of the Labour Party, who is a dour sourpuss. As I watch him on TV I feel my good humour sapping through my feet and by the time he has finished talking I have mutated into Marvin the paranoid android. Gordon Brown’s image consultants have made him aware that he lacks any kind of charisma and in the past have urged him to smile. But therein lies a problem. When Gordon Brown smiles he changes form a dour sourpuss into a scary alien. I walked into a room and sat watching him on TV attempting to smile to reassure people that he is a happy chap and after ten minutes I turned to Mrs PM and said “Is this a new science fiction series? He’s a really scary bad guy.” Mrs Pm told me who it was and I almost ran from the room in terror – it was only morbid curiosity that made me stay.

His main rival is a man called David Cameron, the Conservative Party leader. David Cameron is young and serious and has moulded himself on Tony Blair (even though Tony Blair was a former leader of the Labour Party). Cameron proclaims that he is a man of the people and that he understands how the average person on the street thinks. He claims that he is just an “ordinary bloke”. Except he’s not. He’s a highly educated rich bloke who has about as much in common with the man on the street as I have with duck-billed platypus. He is a good presenter but he is as shallow as a puddle.

And finally we have Nick Clegg – good old Nick, the leader of the Liberal Democrat Party. He is an average man in the street, so average in fact that if you were to walk past him you would miss him – even if you had just had a twenty minute conversation with him. He is Mr anonymous; he has no charisma and reminds me of one of those stereotypical automatons, you see carrying their briefcases on business trips abroad.

I have a choice between a scary dour sourpuss, a public school snob who claims to be as streetwise as Vanilla Ice and a man who looks and talks like a boring businessman.

I could go for one of the fringe parties:

The Green Party, who claim that our planet is becoming a greenhouse while offering no proof whatsoever and want everybody to sit in the dark to save the planet.

The BNP, a party who want to rid the UK of all non-white people, even those who were born here.

I just wish that the Monster Raving Looney Party had a candidate in my area.



So it looks like I will have to go for one of the “big three”. How are they going to tempt me?

Labour: We want fairness.

Conservatives: We want change.

Liberal Democrats: We want fairness AND change.

Not much help there either.

The truth is that I am totally disillusioned with politics, simply because in the past couple of years they have been exposed for fiddling their expenses, some small amounts of cash admittedly but some running into thousands of pounds. A large percentage of them have been exposed as liars and have destroyed our trust in them – and even worse, tried to justify themselves in the most outrageous ways:

“I need this money to maintain my house. Those who disagree with me are just jealous!”

Such things infuriate me.

What’s more, these same people, or people of their ilk, will start to talk to me about fairness, honesty and integrity while lying through their teeth.

And, because I live in constituency that is quite closely fought between the Liberal Democrats and Labour, I reckon that they will all be lining up to knock on my door and lie to me in front of my own house.

I will be glad when it’s all over.

If I had any political desires myself I would stand as an independent candidate but to be honest the thought of sitting in the Houses of Parliament listening to a tsunami of verbal diarrhoea would fill me with absolute dread.

I think I am going to become a hermit and move to cave in Wales for a month. Mind you, knowing my luck, they would find me there.

I think I might just turn to apathy – at least it might make sense.