The Antique

 I was in Liverpool with my eldest lad and I walked past a pub that I used to pop into back in the early 1980’s. Outside there was a sign that said “Established 1898”. 

“I used to go in there when I was a student,” I said with a smile, reminiscing as the memories of fun nights out with friends came flooding back. 

“Oh really? What was it like on opening night?” he asked with a laugh. 

This happens on a fairly regular basis when my two lads decide that I am a walking antique. I've been called a fossil, a dinosaur and a caveman. I have successfully managed to ignore such jibes, adding "It will happen to you one day!".  

Occasionally, sadly, such things catch me unawares and I react. Usually, I am quite happy to be a man in my early 60’s and mostly I ignore my advancing years. In my head I am still that 18 year old lunatic (probably with the brain of a 15 year old if I'm honest). The only thought that pops into my head when confronted by a reminder of my age is “Oh – I remember that” and it is almost always with fondness and causes me to laugh or smile. 

Last weekend I went away for a weekend with some friends all around my age (ranging from 55 to 66) and we had a good time just catching up and enjoying each other’s company. One afternoon, we went to a place in the Cheshire countryside that is basically a family park or village with lots of attractions, such as quirky shops, various country-based activities, restaurants and bars. 

We popped into a shop that advertised itself as an antiques shop. Initially I spotted a few items of furniture, books and an assortment of household items and ornaments that I would have said fitted into the category of “antique”. However, as I strolled further into the store, I noticed that there were a few items described as “collectibles” but originated from my youth; memories came flooding back. I saw old records, toys, magazines, football programmes, games, books and many other items that I was very familiar with. These were things that my parents bought for me or that they had had around the house having bought them back in the 1950’s to the 1980’s or perhaps been given them by my grandparents, which definitely made them antiques. 

I thought to myself – I really am quite old if I remember these things. 

For example, I flicked through several record collections for sale and saw albums that I used to have from the 1970’s or that my parents had bought when they were young (we are talking 1950’s and 1960’s here). I saw a cutlery set where the handles were made of faux bone ivory that I remember eating with as a kid in the late 1970’s. There were old games, Corgi and Dinky model cars that I once had a vast collection of, and lots of old books by people like Enid Blyton that my two sisters and I used to read. 

It was like stepping back in time. 

And then I thought – “Bloody hell! I really am an antique!”

Have you heard of the term “mid-century”? It is used to describe items that span the middle years of the 20th century from the early 1930’s to the end of the 1960’s. I was born in 1962 so, strictly speaking, that makes ME mid-century. I had only heard it mentioned in terms of antiques on shows like “Bargain Hunt” and “Antiques Roadshow”. 

For some reason this struck a chord and when I returned home, I looked up the definition of “antique” and I was pleasantly surprised. To define something as an antique it has to be at least 100 years old. Thank goodness for that, I thought. Things that are over 50 years old are described as “vintage”. This means that I am not antique; I am merely vintage – and also mid-century. 

That’s a relief. 

Back on our Cheshire break, after the trip to the antique shop, we returned to the place we were staying and decided to play some music with our evening meal. For a change we decided to play songs from Spotify that were number 1 in the UK for various milestones. For example, when we were born, when we were 10, 18 and 21. I have to say that when I heard them all, I started to think about being old again. These songs were all over 40 years old, for goodness’ sake and no matter how good they were, it didn’t stop my age from coming back to haunt me, especially after seeing toys, books and games from my youth in the shop claiming to be antique. 

I’m over it now, because I have been happily listening to songs from the 1970’s to the 1990’s since then and my happy memories of times that were up to 50 years ago are still worth cherishing. I am sure that in the future I will be hit by the realisation that I am an old man now. However, it will be a fleeting negative feeling I think because I have friends who are older than me and I love reminiscing about times gone by. They were happy times in a world that was vastly different to the one we are living in now. 

I am proud and happy to be a vintage mid-century man. 

It's What Everybody is Talking About

I get really annoyed with new phrases and catchphrases that seem to have crept into my life in recent years, usually via my television but sometimes via social media, emails and even newspapers. I promised that I wouldn’t rant but I feel I need to get this off my chest because such phrases are now commonplace and that irritates me. 

I’ll give you some examples: 

“It’s what everybody’s talking about.”

No, it is not. It categorically is not. The only person talking about it is the person who is promoting a new TV show. The worst thing about this new TV show is that it is almost certainly a reality TV show full of people who nobody has heard of, making absolute fools of themselves in the hope that they will climb onto the celebrity ladder at rung Z, i.e. right at the bottom. The chances are that these people will be forgotten in a few years’ time. The fact that this TV channel is one of those in the depths of TV hell is beside the point. Usually, the only way you can discover the channel (never mind the programme itself) is when you are desperately looking for something in the nether regions of the channel list because the main channels are full of cookery programmes or those kind of light entertainment programmes that are full of shiny happy people and make me wince whenever I hear the theme music. Of course, it can also apply to upcoming movies and albums too and nobody is talking about those either. 

“The most anticipated album of the year”

Again, in many cases, I have never even heard of the artist concerned. I wouldn’t mind so much if it was perhaps an album by an established musical artist that had taken a sabbatical for a few years and then decided to jump back into the fray. It usually isn’t. It is invariably a singer/songwriter who writes soppy love songs “straight from the heart” and in many cases the album is their debut. Another related phrase is “Soppy McSopface really bares his soul on this album.”

Usually, such commercials are accompanied by a snippet of a single that they haven’t released yet where they are wailing about a lost love while looking as if they are about to burst into tears. It is never a rock artist, a progressive rock artist or anything that isn’t on Radio 1’s playlist. 

It isn’t the most anticipated album of the year. These are the words of the record company who are trying to con us all into buying it. 

“It’s sweeping the nation”

Again, this usually applies to a movie, a film or a book that apparently is so popular that everybody in the nation feels that they have to have it. In most cases, the item concerned can barely sweep my garden path.

“Manchester United are in the ascendency”

This is a football special and it means, I assume, that in the game between Manchester United and some other team, Manchester United are having a period where they are dominating the match. I have a lot of problems with the terminology used by commentators when they are describing the action in such a match because they use phrases that nobody uses outside their commentary box. Other similar overused phrases are “That’s a goal of the season contender”, “We’re at the business end of the season”, “This is why we love the Premier League” and “2-0 is a dangerous lead in the game. The next goal is so important”.

“Your call is important to us”

No, it isn’t. The worst thing about this terrible phrase is that you have just tried calling a bank or some other business and you know for a fact that you will hear this phrase for the next hour repeated between bouts of terrible music. When somebody eventually answers, I am usually so frustrated and angry that all I want to do is scream at the person “WHAT TOOK YOU SO BLOODY LONG?”. Of course, I don’t. I take a deep breath and say “Hi! I’ve got an enquiry for you …” Sometimes they throw in a similar phrase that gets close to pushing me over the edge and that phrase is “This call is being recorded for training purposes”. Honestly, I think that I would rather listen to the phone ringing continually for an hour. 

“My bad”

The worst thing about “My bad” is that I have found myself using it in the past and each time I cringed internally and apologised for it. I picked it up when I was working and I think I have managed to remove it from my vocabulary now.  What it means is “My mistake” or “I’m sorry”. Why can’t people (including me) say that?

 “I’m going to give you 130%”

No, you aren’t because that is absolutely impossible. You can’t even give 100% of yourself really. This is business speak that makes me yell at the TV whenever I hear it on the programmes like “The Apprentice”. Another one from that show is “Let’s SMASH this!”. Invariably the people concerned fail dismally to “SMASH it” and make themselves look lie the incompetent buffoons they are. 

“Rant over!”

Yes – I am struggling to remove this one from my own vocabulary. When I was working I used to moan about things that annoyed me from office politics to TV shows to politics and at the end I would say this. I sometimes still do and I squirm whenever those words leave my mouth. 

Anyway, enough of that. I’m bored with venting my spleen and I think I’ve made my point. 

Rant over. If I have offended anybody then my bad!

Some Travel Photos - Australia

 

In my last post, I mentioned that I have visited a grand total of 41 countries in my life. It all started when I was 20 years old and travelled to Europe with an Interrail ticket which allowed me and my mate to travel around Europe on train. Since then, I have been all over the world and I thought that I would share some photos we took on some of those journeys. 

The first I am going to cover is Australia. 

We travelled there with Mrs PM’s mother who at the time was celebrating her 60th birthday. It was way back in 2005 and England had just beaten Australia in the Ashes. I was hoping to exchange some banter with Australians that I met. I did, of course, and it was all good fun because Australians and British people share the same sense of humour.  

The opening photo above is the sun rising over the Coral Sea  at about 6am. This is one time that jet lag was useful.

Here are a few other boring photos from the trip.

Plastic Mancunian meets Koala

"What kind of creature is this?" asks the koala

There are numerous horrible creatures in Australia and when I arrived there, I was very nervous about meeting any of the spiders, snakes, sharks or crocodiles that live there. However, I didn’t mind meeting a Koala because they look cute and cuddly. 

And they are. 

However, the one I was holding didn’t smell too good (he probably thought the same about me). The above photo was taken in Kuranda National Park in Queensland. 

Plastic Mancunian on a Train

Don't lean out of the window!

In the same place, we took a train ride. It was so hot in Queensland that I needed a hat and I bought the one I am wearing in Port Douglas. I still have that hat today and I still wear it when on holiday. It’s comfortable and washable and can be packed easily. 

Mrs PM in the Coral Sea

A female Mancunian interloper

Mrs PM is very brave, and she wanted to see the Great Barrier Reef. I did some research and when I discovered that there were box jellyfish living there and, worse, an evil little bugger called an irukandji jellyfish, both of which could sting life out of you, I decided to stay above water and just take pictures. For such creatures, the sea is their realm and we don’t belong there. I guess stinging us is their way of saying “go away and leave us alone!” 

Mrs PM didn’t get stung thankfully and she enjoyed her little swim with the wildlife. 

Brisbane

A lovely view of Brisbane

Our trip to Australia began in Port Douglas and Cairns but after that we caught a flight to Brisbane and I remember the flight because we saw a lot of the city from above. Talking of which, here is a great view of the city from Mount Coot-Tha just to the west of Brisbane. 

"In the Navy - you can sail the seven seas ..."

And later we caught an impromptu navy band in the city centre.

Byron Bay 

A white lighthouse

"Go East ..."

After Brisbane we hired a car and spent the next week or so driving the 1000km south to Sydney. Along the way, we stopped at Surfer’s Paradise and visited Byron Bay and the lighthouse on Cape Byron, which is the most easterly point of Australia. 

Sydney

We stayed at a few more places on the way south, such as Coff’s Harbour, Nambucca Heads,  Port Stephens and Pokolbin in the Hunter Valley where we sampled some fine Australian wines. The journey to Sydney took a week or so and we stayed in Darling Harbour and became total tourists. We wandered around the city, visited the zoo and took a boat ride. 

I celebrated my 43rd birthday in Sydney. 

Here are a few photos I took.

A giant coathanger

The same giant coathanger as seen from The Rocks

A place where opera singers ply their trade

I won an Oscar (in my head)

I won an Oscar for my performance on Tuesday 11th October 2005. 

It was the day when I convinced, Mrs PM and a group of stranger that I actually enjoyed climbing the Sydney Harbour Bridge, even though I am terrified of heights. 

You don’t believe me? 

Here I am with Mrs PM at the top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge and I look as though I am as happy as I can possibly be. 

The truth is that I was absolutely screaming with terror inside. Why do you think I am hanging onto Mrs PM for dear life?

A happy Mancunian and her terrified partner

And the Oscar goes to the Plastic Mancunian (thanks to AI).

"I'd like to thank nobody because I'm too terrifed to speak"

More Plastic Factoids

 

Welcome to a typical April day in South Manchester. April has been warm this year but we seem to have returned to normal now with sunny spells and intermittent showers, the so-called “April Showers”. It’s definitely getting warmer though and this means that my favourite season is on its way. 

Let’s dive in with some silly questions from Sunday Stealing. 

1. Are you the sort of person who can nap or sleep anywhere, any time?

Sadly no – unless I am really, really tired. This only usually occurs when I am jet-lagged or have been flying for hours, for example on a trip back from China where the journey took 24 hours. The only other time I have slept like that was when I caught Covid. 

I am envious of Mrs PM because she can sleep anywhere. On our recent trip to Malaysia she fell asleep lots of times to help remove the jet lag, leaving me sitting there like an absolute lemon because I was wide awake. I wouldn’t mind – I don’t even consume caffeine so I don’t know what prevented me from sleeping. Even on the plane, I was possibly the only person awake, apart from the pilot and the stewards/stewardesses. Mrs PM was leaning on my shoulder and looked like she was in absolute sleep heaven. 

Normally I get about 7 to 8 hours sleep a day so I can and do sleep well. I just can’t sleep on demand and jet lag usually messes me up, despite all the advice I’ve received over the years. None of it works. 

2. Have you ever walked in your sleep?

Only when I was a young kid and even then only then once or twice. My dad found me in the bathroom once putting a load of toys into the bathtub. When he switched on the light, he woke me up and I was as surprised as he was. I had no idea why I was there. 

It was a rare occurrence and hasn’t happened to me since then. 

3. Do you chat with your Uber/Lyft/taxi driver?

Yes, sometimes. I don’t usually instigate the chat but occasionally I do. Most of them are quite friendly although I have had the odd one who is bad tempered or just a grumpy old git who wants to vent his spleen. 

4. Do you remember what you did on Valentine's Day?

No. To me Valentine’s Day is a huge con to get people to spend their money. Restaurant prices go up as do the prices of flowers and chocolates. I don’t need “the man” to tell me when to be romantic – I can do that any time. And I am not prepared to sit in a restaurant and pay twice the amount of money for a meal that had much cheaper the week before. 

Sorry for the minor rant there but it annoys me. 

5. How many laptops have you owned over your lifetime?

Probably about four or five. Before that I had desktops. At work, I used to have a new laptop every year or so because the improvement in technology, capacity of disk and memory meant that I could do my job a lot more efficiently because it was cost effective. 

6. How many countries have you visited?

I have visited 41 countries so far in my life. This year I added Malaysia to that list and I will be adding Slovakia and Austria to that list later in the year. There are many more I want to add but whether I will get to all of them is unknown at the moment. Three new countries in a year isn’t too bad though.  

7. Did you/will you go to work today?

HA HA HA! I have retired so the answer is a resounding NO!!!

I love being retired. 

I Wonder Why ...

There are a lot of things that puzzle me in and beyond this world and I sometimes wonder whether I am far weirder than I originally thought I was. I have been known to sit with my mouth agape with a look of total astonishment on my face about things I read about and see on the TV. 

However, it is worse than that. There are more traditional things that are etched into history, culture and general behaviour that truly astonish me. I thought I might just discuss some of these in a couple of blog posts, starting with this one.

Why do close female friends complement each other, yet close male friends rip each other to shreds mercilessly? 

Whenever Mrs PM goes out with her friends, she says things like “OOH! I love your dress”, “Your new hairstyle is wonderful” and “You look radiant today”.

The male equivalents are “So what possessed you wear that shirt? Are you taking drugs again?”, “It looks like you had a fight with a combine harvester and lost. I hope you’re taking the barber to court” and “You look a bit soppy today. Are you hung over?”

The thing is that men laugh at such insults even when they are the target. For example, I was recently in a pub with four other lads in Chester and I said “When I started drinking, I used to have lager and a dash of lime in it.” I was going to explain that I did that because I didn’t like the taste of beer at the time and the lime made it drinkable. I was going to go on to explain that I stopped drinking it because it was expensive and I grew to like the taste of beer. 

I didn’t get very far at all. As soon as I said “lime” I was ruthlessly mocked – by all four of them. I just had to sit there and take the abuse. Mind you, the abuse was funny so I was laughing along too. 

When did that start to happen? And why? 

Why do some people get so angry online?

I’ve had the odd reaction to innocent posts in the past from “keyboard warriors” and “trolls” mainly in comments. When I had a go at Shakespeare in a humorous post, one or two people had a real go at me, calling me names and unleashing their rage at me. 

I allowed one or two posts to slip through but rejected the rest of them because they were quite bad. I have a thick skin so I can take it. I have faith in people and although they disagreed with my thoughts, some people did so in a nice way that provoked debate rather than expressing their outrage on my innocent content.

Some people get a lot worse abuse than I have ever received though. You only have to see reactions to things that celebrities do or what politicians say to judge the depth of the anger and rage in some people. And a lot of things that these trolls are reacting too is totally trivial. 

One of the biggest offenders is Donald Trump but they can’t all be like him – surely? Not everybody in the world is a malignant narcissist, are they? 

I believe that it is because some people are unable to vent their rage in normal life and choose to do so anonymously. 

What I don't understand is that I would never do that so why do some people think it is okay to be so completely horrible online?

What the hell is going on in the universe?

This year, in order to improve the subject matter of my reading material, I decided to start reading more non-fiction and the first book I read was “A Brief History of Time” by the late lamented Professor Stephen Hawking. I studied and passed “A-Level” physics and understood some of the basic concepts he was writing about. Of course, my knowledge of the universe is limited, especially compared to the genius author, but some concepts made my mind utterly boggle. 

For example, time is not a constant. Just think about that for a second. We move through the universe at a temporal speed of one second per second. Yet as we move out into space and increase our speed, time moves slower. What this means is that if I were to board a spaceship and travel for a minute at the speed of light, then time slows down for you. 

Doesn’t that boggle your mind? 

But it’s worse than that. What is dark matter? What the hell is anti-matter? And what is the deal with black holes? What happened before the Big Bang? 

I really enjoyed the book but it left far more questions than answers. 

To be fair, I think that there are numerous physicists trying to answer these questions and make sense of them. 

But my mind is truly boggled!

Why do men stand next to each other when they go to the toilet?

Okay – this is a weird one and I've left it until last for that reason. 

I am a man and I have accepted that whenever I go to a public toilet, I sometimes have to stand next to a man and answer the call of nature. 

But why do we do this? There are unwritten rules of etiquette when you are a bloke. You are not supposed to look around when you are doing the business and definitely not allowed to talk to the gentleman standing next to you, even if you are best friends. Yet women, apparently, are quite happy to have a deep conversation from adjacent cubicles. For men, once you pass the threshold of the toilet door and enter that realm, communication becomes a bad thing unless it is absolutely necessary. And the moment you stand in front of a urinal, no words should pass your lips until you have finished. 

It’s odd. Some bloke in the past must have decided that it is okay to make men stand next to each other. I wonder who that was? 

And finally …

There are many more things that confuse me and I will almost certainly highlight some of these in future posts. 

I am clearly not as clever as I thought I was. 

Spill the Beans

 

Welcome to a rather strange South Manchester – weather wise. We had a couple of really hot days this week (over 20 °C) and now it has returned to typical April weather with cooler temperatures and scattered rain showers. 

Let’s dive straight into some Sunday Stealing silliness. 

1. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

No – not even close. 

2. What foreign language did you study in school? How much of it do you still remember?

I studied French and Latin for five years and German for three years. I passed my “O-Level” examinations in all three. I didn’t see the point of Latin until I started studying German when I discovered that the weird Latin noun forms were all used in German too (apart from ablative). 

How much do I remember? Actually, I remember quite a lot of French and some German and this has helped because I am currently refreshing my knowledge in both via Duolingo. I have discovered that I actually remember quite a few of the words when they are introduced for the first time. Some of the vocabulary is still locked away in my head somewhere. 

I think I would struggle with Latin though because it is the hardest of the three of them. Being a Catholic I was exposed to Latin during Mass because when I used to go in the 1970’s sometimes the entire Mass would be conducted in Latin. I can still remember some of The Creed, for example. Ask me to read a random Latin sentence though and I would probably struggle. 

I still actually have my Latin/English dictionary from school and, were it an active language still, I might be tempted to dive back in. 

3. What recipe did you most recently prepare? Where did you get the recipe and how did it turn out?

I haven’t followed a recipe for years. These days when I cook, I just do the basics. Mrs PM on the other hand has tried loads of recipes and 95% of them are successful. 

I think the last thing I tried to cook from a recipe was a risotto and it turned out quite well, as I recall. My last disaster was a dessert – I have forgotten what it was – which is probably just as well. 

4. What song have you listened to over and over and over again?

I’ve been listening to a lot of Devin Townsend recently, mainly in preparation for his new album called “The Moth” which is due for release next month. On his last album there is a weird song that I just love because it is quite quirky and a little funny. It’s called Ruby Quaker and is all about loving coffee, bizarrely, and the style shifts as the song progresses. The chorus is quite catchy and is a bit of an earworm. 

Here it is:

5. Are there currently any pets in your household? Are you considering adding another? 

Yes – we have two black cats called Ziggy and Star(dust). I am quite happy with just having two because when we have introduced a third cat it has caused chaos. 

People who have read this blog for a while may recall that before Ziggy and Star, we had two other black cats called Jasper and Poppy, both of whom lived to the ripe old age of 18 years old. When they were younger, we had a friend who decided to emigrate to Abu Dhabi because her husband got himself a good job there. The problem was that they had a black cat called Liquorice and they didn’t know what to do with her. In a moment of madness, we decided to keep her and add her to our household. 

What we didn’t realise was that Liqorice was a psychopath. She turned our house upside down. Poor Poppy basically fled upstairs to live there permanently and defend her new kingdom from this psychotic interloper. Jasper, the bigger of the two cats, then waged war on Liqorice for dominance of the rest of the house. In the meantime, this lunatic new cat decided that Mrs PM and I needed to be subdued and started to attack us regularly. 

After a while, though, things settled into a state of détente. Jasper and Liqorice learned to live with each other and, although there were some skirmishes the two of them tolerated each other. Jasper won, I think, because he used to roam around the whole house, whereas Poppy and Liqorice had a stand off where Liqorice would creep upstairs only to end up having a battle with Poppy who, surprisingly, managed to defend her new territory. The problem was that poor Poppy became an upstairs house cat. 

As for the human slaves in the house, Liqorice grew very fond of me and used to often sit on my lap or cuddle up next to my leg. I still had to be alert because, being a psycho, she would occasionally lash out if I touched her when she wasn’t expecting it, or if I accidentally stroked her when she didn’t want to be touched at all. That said, she always used to greet me at the door when I came into the house. 

At the moment, I am happy with the two that we have and I definitely do not want a repeat of the Liqorice situation so there will be no more until something happens to both Ziggy and Star. 

6. As an adult, have you ever performed with a drama group? (Student productions don't count.)

No. I have considered it but I am not sure that I would be comfortable performing in front of others. 

Mr Gullible

I’ve been accused of many things in my past life. In fact, I’ve accused myself of having many odd personality traits. However, when somebody calls me gullible, it raises my hackles slightly. 

I hate to blow my own trumpet (and I rarely do) and when somebody tells me that I am gullible, I start to question why they think that. In almost all cases, it is the person who is accusing me of being gullible that is in fact the gullible one. 

I am trying my best to avoid politics but alas, this subject is the one that highlights gullibility and naiveness in a lot of people. Take Donald Trump for example. I don’t know why, but my internet algorithm hurls the thoughts of the MAGA brigade at me occasionally. I really should stop watching such garbage but I find myself inexorably being drawn into their thoughts and their attempts to defend the indefensible. 

The man is a pathological liar and a malignant narcissist. Why do people believe him, when he is clearly lying? He is out of his depth and the moment he opens his mouth, most people can see exactly what he is. Yet the MAGA cultists believe him, sometimes contradicting themselves defending him. 

“I would never vote for a felon!” announces a MAGA cultist. 

“Er – you actually did!” says the interviewer. 

And then they backtrack with either “Well even a felon is better than Kamala Harris!” or “That’s a democratic hoax. He isn’t guilty; he was framed!”

It’s unbelievable. 

I also can’t quite imagine how somebody would believe the bullshit served on a plate by Scientologists and why so many people fall for the nonsense that they discharge in the name of religion. I’ve mentioned before that Scientologists tried to indoctrinate me in Amsterdam when I was a young, naïve student and, naïve as I was, there was no way I was ever going to fall for their lies. And that was before I discovered that they all believe we are possessed by the souls of aliens. 

And I wonder what flat-earthers think of the Artemis II mission? I have been watching it with a great deal of interest and I am delighted that at the time of writing they are on their way back from this marvellous mission. I imagine that flat-earthers are already starting to spread rumours that it is all a complete hoax and that the evil NATO are trying to brainwash us all. We can clearly see that the planet we all live on ISN’T shaped like a stuffed-crust pizza but these gullible idiots will double down on their collective ignorance to try to convince us otherwise. 

Why are people so gullible? 

Is it a personality flaw? 

I know that things have deteriorated since the advent of social media, with people believing absolutely everything they read, especially if posted by people they apparently trust, or celebrities that they love. I think that’s the case with Donald Trump. He is or was a celebrity and that fact, combined with his extremely isolationist and right-wing political views, have managed to persuade people that he is the man for the job and “the best president we have had in my lifetime” despite the mounting evidence to the contrary. The truth is worse because history will show him to be the worst president ever. The man who said “I will lower prices, end wars and make America great again” has in fact damaged the economy, started a war (with no idea how to end it), and caused America to fall out with its closest allies, which ultimately could damage the country.

That’s the end of the political nonsense for this post. I promise. 

Instead, let me tell you about “The Banana Apocalypse”. If you haven’t heard about this, in January 2000, somebody started sending e-mails saying that imported bananas were infecting people with a disease that is reminiscent of something out of “The Walking Dead”. If you ate an imported banana then you would succumb to “necrotising fasciitis” which would cause your skin to develop huge purple boils that eventually collapse and take away your skin with it, making you look like a Zombie.  

Loads of people believed this nonsense, despite the CDC saying that it was all fabricated. In the end, there were so many people believing it that they had to set up a “banana hotline” to deal with distraught gullible people who ignored the experts. These gullible people spread the rumour and refused to believe the experts who said it was all bullshit. 

What can you do under these circumstances? 

I think that people should question absolutely everything, especially if comes from a sensationalist source, like social media. I think because I have a scientific mind, I try to analyse things before I even begin to start believing them – and even then I keep alive a healthy dose of scepticism in case I have been fooled. 

For example, with Scientology, I could perhaps have been naïve enough to believe that I had a personality disorder that meant that I might need help not to deteriorate to the point where I need something around me to stop me from hurling myself in front of a tram. When it happened, I knew that I was happy and that suicide was the furthest thing from my mind (as it is now and has always been) and that made me question their motives. Had they eventually told me that aliens called Thetans live in my body and that I will rise to become some sort of ethereal cosmic wanderer when I evacuate my corporeal form, I would have laughed and told them to piss off. 

I question everything and I don’t commit myself. I know that the Earth is a globe; I know that Donald Trump is a lying, manipulative malignant narcissist; I know that Adolf Hitler didn’t emigrate to Argentina; I know that Elvis Presley died in the 1970s and isn’t hiding from the Mafia; I know that the Nazis didn’t build a base on the Moon. 

Actually, I would pay money to see an argument between a flat-earther and a person who believed that there are Nazis planning the Fourth Reich on the dark side of the moon. 

Maybe Pink Floyd could write a song about that.