Let's Do Europe

“Let’s do Europe!” is a phrase I have heard quite a few times, mainly from Americans but also from other nationalities, including people from my own country.

Last week I was in a restaurant in Porto, Portugal, and I heard a variation on the words again from a young American couple on an adjacent table.

“I can’t believe we’re in Europe,” said one of them. “I’ve always wanted to do Europe and here we are.”

I’m not criticising them, far from it in fact. I am delighted that these young people have taken the time to leave the confines of the United States and venture out to, in my opinion, the most exciting and varied continent on the planet.

The only minor quibble I have is that it is pretty much impossible to “do Europe” unless you are very wealthy and spend many years travelling around each country in turn and within each country visit as much of it as you can.

I have lived in Europe all of my life and I have barely scratched the surface – and I have travelled a lot. In fact, I can also say that I have not “done” the UK either – and I live here.

My travel map for Europe looks impressive to people but the truth is that is isn’t really.

For example I have never been to Albania, Andorra, Armenia, Austria, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Bulgaria, Cyprus, Denmark, Estonia, Finland, Georgia, Kazakhstan, Kosovo, Latvia, Lichtenstein, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Moldova, Montenegro, Norway, Poland, Romania, San Marino, Serbia, Slovakia, Slovenia, Sweden or Ukraine.

When you compare the list to the places I have been (Belgium, Croatia, Czech Republic, France, Germany, Greece, Hungary, Iceland, Ireland, Malta, Monaco, Netherlands, Portugal, Russia, Spain, Switzerland, Turkey, UK and Vatican City) it looks like I have seen less than half of the continent.

One of the countries I have spent a lot of time in is Spain and I have barely scratched the surface of that vast and wonderful country. I have had conversations with people in the past who claim to know Spain “like the back of their hands” and yet base their knowledge on a few two week package holidays to the Balearic Islands (having never even been to the mainland!).

“So do you speak Spanish?” I have asked.

“No – there’s no need. They all speak English!”

Wrong.

Try travelling on a train from Seville to Madrid and see how many people speak English. In fact, just wander around either of those two cities and see how far you get without a few basic words or a phrase book.

It’s a similar story with other continents of course. For example I have been to the United States and Canada quite a few times and I simply cannot claim that I know either of those countries. Sure, I can speak English and have been to a few big cities like Los Angeles, New York, Washington DC and Toronto but if I were to tell an American that I have “done” the United States he would, quite rightly, laugh at me and tell me how wrong I am.

I’ve been to Australia too but I would need two decades at least to fully explore that huge place – I was there for just over two weeks!

Similarly with Asia – the biggest continent of all. I have spent eight weeks of my life in China yet every time I have been back, the place never ceases to amaze me with its wonderful quirkiness, beauty, customs and traditions. I learn something new each time I visit.

What I would say to anybody who wants to “do Europe” is this:

Yes – I agree – you should do Europe – again and again and again! 

Keep coming back and seek out new adventures. 

Eventually you will get to know the place. 

Mind if I join you?

Stan and Ollie - Top Ten Laurel and Hardy Shorts

Last week, Mrs PM and I were sitting in a small cinema watching a short movie. The rest of the audience were a mixed bunch; a middle-aged German couple sat just in front of us, to our right was an older couple and to our left were a young family with two young kids aged about 12 and 10. There were others too but the one thing we had in common  - we were all chuckling and laughing.

We were in the Laurel and Hardy museum in Ulverston in the Lake District. As is usual with the Lake District, the weather outside was horrible which gave me an excuse to persuade Mrs PM to visit this small homage to Stan and Ollie, after all this time, still my favourite comedy double act.

The previous day had been glorious and Mrs PM and I had climbed the Old Man of Coniston the twelfth largest mountain in England! What a shock that was! I was still aching! Part of me was pleased that the weather had taken a turn for the worse on our short break to Coniston for the holiday weekend and it gave me the opportunity to tick something off my list – visit the birthplace of Stan Laurel.

The museum itself is quite small and gives an overview of the life of the dynamic duo, focussing slightly more on Stan. My father loved them too and he introduced me to them as a child. As I walked through the door and started reading about their lives, I felt a light twinge of emotion, remembering my dad guffawing over their stupid antics.

The museum was quite busy and also had props and souvenirs from their many memorable films as well as merchandise, copies of letters and lots of other interesting information.

And, of course, they were showing and endless loop of their amazing films.

As we left back into the pouring rain, I thought I would pay homage to these funny guys by offering you my ten favourite Laurel and Hardy talking shorts. Their silent films were amusing but when sound was introduced, it opened up a whole new level of comedic opportunity to the guys, which they took to like the proverbial duck to water. As well as their usual slapstick, they were able to use sound to enhance their humour even further.

I still love it today.

So, without further ado, here are my top ten Laurel and Hardy short films.

10. Scram!

Stan and Ollie are vagrants and are ordered by a judge to leave town. On their way, in the pouring rain, they help a drunk who offers them a room for the night. Sadly, it isn’t his house - it belongs to the judge. Inevitably, mayhem ensues when they inadvertently get the judge’s wife drunk.

You can watch it here.

9. The Chimp

When the circus goes bust, Stan and Ollie are left with a flea circus and a chimp. Confusion reigns when they try to sneak the chimp into a boarding house.

You can watch it here. 

8. Any Old Port

On shore leave from a whaling voyage, Stan and Ollie get a room in a boarding house, run by a pure thug played by Walter Long who tries to force a young woman to marry him. Stan and Ollie thwart his plans and in the aftermath, Ollie convinces Stan to enter a boxing match to raise the money they left behind. Guess who Stan’s opponent is?

You can watch it here.

7. Laughing Gravy

In the middle of a terrible, cold dark and snowy winter, Stan and Ollie try to hide their dog, Laughing Gravy, from a landlord who doesn’t allow pets in his rooms. Of course, their attempts are totally unsuccessful.

You can watch it here. 

6. Dirty Work

Stan and Ollie are chimney sweeps who end up at a mad professor’s house. As Stan and Ollie do their best to wreck the house, the professor invents a rejuvenating potion. Of course he wants a human guinea pig.

You can watch it here. 

5. One Good Turn

A kind old lady offers vagrants, Stan and Ollie, a meal. They offer to do a favour in return and overhear a villainous landlord threatening to throw the old lady out of her home and onto the street. Stan and Ollie decide to raise money by selling their one asset – a car – but things don’t go quite according to plan.

You can watch it here. 

4. Helpmates

Ollie wakes up after throwing a wild party in his wife’s absence and has to clean up the mess before she gets home. There is only one man who can help him out of his predicament – Stan! You can guess what happens.

You can watch it here.  

3. The Laurel and Hardy Murder Case

The late Ebenezer Laurel has left a lot of money and Ollie sees a chance to live in luxury by convincing the executors of the dead man’s will that Stan is the heir to his fortune. Of course, there are dastardly shenanigans afoot involving murder.

You can watch it here. 

2. Them Thar Hills / Tit for  Tat

Two films, one a sequel to the other, where Stan and Ollie come up against Charlie Hall in two tales of escalating retaliation. The first tale involves Stan and Ollie accidentally getting Charlie’s wife drunk (played by the ever-present Mae Busch). In the second movie, Ollie tries to make amends but fails and a similar bun fight occurs.

You can watch the them here and here. 

1. The Music Box

Stan and Ollie are delivery men who have to take a piano to a house. Sounds simple, eh? Not so – the house is at the top of a huge hill accessible by a long staircase. Stan and Ollie won an academy award for this hilarious movie.


You can watch it here.

And finally …

I hope you agree with my choices. These two funny guys were way ahead of their time and still make me laugh today.

I am pleased to say that everyone watching the film in the museum agreed with me.

Are you a fan of Laurel and Hardy?

What are your favourite short films?

Shiny Happy People

Usually when I am on a flight, I hear from the captain and the flight crew during the course of the flight. These fine people speak to the passengers in a professional and informative manner and we all understand what they say and are happy, informed and reassured.

Some flight companies adopt a slightly different approach. I recently returned from a holiday in Croatia with one of them (I’m not saying which).

Rather than letting the flight crew speak, we were subjected to messages pre-recorded by what I can only describe as “shiny happy people”.

The messages alternated between a man who seemed high on euphoria and a women totally immersed in rapture. I can kind of sense why these recordings exist and what they are meant to achieve but I get the feeling, looking around at my fellow passengers, that their goals weren’t quite met.

The airline is a budget airline that is striving to get people in the mood for their holiday while at the same time trying to raise their spirits about the two and a half hour flight ahead. It worked better on the journey out but not so well on the journey back.

I heard one guy say “What do they mean welcoming us home as if it is the best thing since sliced bread? I don’t WANT to come home! I was on holiday and I want to STAY THERE!”

It didn’t bother me too much because deep down I prefer happy people to miserable buggers (even though I can be a bit of a miserable bugger myself sometimes).  However, it got me thinking – always a dangerous thing.

What if the plane had a fault and both engines failed? What would happen as the aircraft started to dive towards the sea? Do they have a pre-recorded message for that?

Happy Man:  “Hey holiday makers! We hope you are enjoying our AMAZING flight but we do have a slight problem. Nothing to worry about but the aircraft is now plummeting towards the Atlantic Ocean as a rate of knots.”

Happy Woman: “Yes – the water is REALLY WARM at this time of year and to make sure that you fully enjoy it, please BRACE now! If you don’t know how to BRACE, our WONDERFUL flight crew will help you. IF you hear your fellow passengers SCREAMING, rest assured that they are screams of EXCITEMENT at a plunge into the warm wonderful water!”

Happy Man: “And after impact we will do our very best to get any survivors out of the aircraft as quickly as possible!”

Okay – that’s a bit extreme, I admit, but there are a lot of shiny happy people around, particularly on the radio and our telly boxes.

I no longer listen to the radio, apart from the news channel when I wake up, but in the past I recall overly happy DJs laughing at – well – nothing - in such a forced way that I thought they were all having a seizure.

I know things haven’t changed because this morning I saw an advert for the breakfast show on a local bus with pictures of demented looking DJs guffawing at something that was out of shot with a line that explained that their show was a mixture of music and “banter”. 

I assume that "banter" means lots of in-jokes from the DJ team that result in bouts of hysterical laughter at their own expense that the general public don't really find funny at all, especially while stuck in traffic, driving to a mundane job on a miserable, cold, dark Manchester Monday morning in the middle of January.

Similarly light entertainment programmes on TV are full of presenters who seem to have taken some form of drug to make them laugh hysterically at dull items and equally dull celebrity guests that I have never heard of as they try to plug their latest projects.

I am sure that you are now reading this thinking “You miserable bastard! Why don’t you just lighten up?”

The truth is that I provide my own form of entertainment on a daily basis at work by ranting mercilessly about things like reality TV, music, politics and shiny happy celebrities, causing joyous merriment amongst my co-workers as they realise that I am just a cantankerous old git who doesn’t understand modern culture.

And they are right.

But at least their laughter is genuine.

I’ll leave you with the song that inspired the title of this post.

I’m the grumpy git peddling at the start of the video.

Please don’t laugh.

Bull in a China Shop

So there I am sitting in a quiet place, minding my own business, and enjoying the silence as I read, contemplate life and take a nice quiet journey around my weird and wonderful imagination.

And then you hear something approaching in the distance; the Bull in the china shop.

Note - I use the word “bull” just because the phrase sums this person up perfectly but it is not necessarily male.

Let's call this person Bull.

First the voice – either a shrieking high pitched cackle or a deep booming laugh – before Bull appears and shatters the tranquillity in the noisiest way possible.

Bull shouts rather than speaks.

Bull laughs so loud that windows shake and glass struggles not to shatter.

Bull sits right next to complete strangers and invades their personal space even when he has never met them.

Bull slams doors.

Bull orders noisy food to eat and slobbers and crunches his way through the food.

Bull finds it impossible to stay still.

Bull finds it impossible to stay quiet.

Bull has to talk to people in his vicinity even if he doesn’t know them.

Bull thinks he’s the most popular person in whatever room he is in.

Bull moves things around with so much noise that he disturbs everyone and everything in his path.

Bull is usually a clumsy oaf.

Here is an example of Bull:

I don’t mind people who are talkative and funny and loud sometimes, but Bull is something else entirely - always loud, rarely funny and totally annoying – the kind of person who comes into a room and wants to simply take over, even when the room is quiet – for example a restaurant.

When Bull sits on the adjacent table in a restaurant, your enjoyment of the meal plummets.

Even when total privacy is required, Bull can invade your space.

Take for example if you are in a public toilet cubicle and Bull comes in. You hear him march in, slamming the door and cringe as he goes into the cubicle next to you, slamming the door of course. There is no subtlety – he groans, belches, farts throws himself onto the toilet as if from a great height, snorts, groans, makes as much noise as he can and in the worst case, starts talking on his phone.

Worse – he starts talking to YOU!

I have had the misfortune of sitting next to Bull on flight from Europe to Manchester.

The conversation went something like this:

Bull: WHAT ARE YOU READING?

PM: I’m sorry? 

Bull: I SAID WHAT ARE YOU READING?

PM: “A Short History of Nearly Everything” by Bill Bryson.

Bull: OH – I LIKE BILL BRYSON BUT THAT BOOK IS BLOODY SHIT! I DON’T KNOW WHAT HE WAS THINKING WHEN HE WROTE THAT GARBAGE. HOW FAR THROUGH IT ARE YOU?

PM: I’ve just started it.

Bull: WELL IF I WERE YOU I’D LEAVE IT ON THE PLANE. WAIT UNTIL YOU GET TO THE PART …

PM: I’m sorry – I’m enjoying it so far. I’ll make my own judgement. Do you mind if I carry on?

Bull: YOU MUST BE A BIT WEIRD IF YOU LIKE THAT BOOK. IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY!! 

PM: Thanks for that. I’ll be the judge of that.

Bull: NOW HERE’S A GOOD BOOK!

PM: I’m not interested really – I just want to read this.

Bull: WELL THIS ONE IS MUCH BETTER THAN THAT PILE OF CRAP! HERE – TAKE A LOOK!

And so it went on – and on – and on – and on! By the time I had left the plane (the longest two hours of my life) he had told me his entire life story, why he was so great and why I was so weird and had no decent taste in books. Not content with bellowing in my ear for the entire trip, his elbows kept nudging me as we both ate and most of his meal ended up on the back of the seat in front of him.

I’ve seen Bull on a train too – thankfully annoying somebody else. In the UK we have quiet carriages where people are asked to be quiet so that others can read or work in peace. Personally I don’t travel in them because I listen to music and the noise of the headphones can annoy others. Bull shouldn’t travel in them either – but once I saw Bull thrown out of the quiet carriage because, unsurprisingly, he was making far too much noise and totally irritating everybody else. Bull then sat in a seat close to me and told the entire sorry tale to a perfect stranger who wasn’t interested at all but was being polite.

“I JUST STARTED TALKING TO THIS WOMAN AND SHE TOLD ME TO BE QUIET! I KNOW IT’S MEANT TO BE SILENT IN THERE BUT IT WAS LIKE A BLOODY LIBRARY – HOW BORING! ANYWAY, SHE COMPLAINED AND THE GUARD ASKED ME TO SHUT UP AND LEAVE! I DECIDED TO JUST GO! I LIKE TO TALK TO PEOPLE – DON’T YOU? THEY SHOULD CALL IT THE BORING BASTARD CARRIAGE! ANYWAY – WHAT’S YOUR NAME? I’M BULL AND I’M A REALLY FUNNY GUY. OH SORRY - I'VE SPILLED MY DRINK ALL OVER YOUR  BOOK. IT 'S SHIT ANYWAY!"

And so he went on – and on – and on! Thankfully, I could drown his voice out by listening to some rock music. I pitied the poor guy he had inflicted himself upon.

I don’t mind friendly people and I am willing to chat to anybody as long as they are pleasant, quiet, interesting and stop talking when I have had enough and want to read or listen to music.

Bulls don’t do that – they are relentless – they can’t take a hint even when it is blatant. They enter a room like a Bull in a China Shop!

Have you ever met anybody like that? 

How do you deal with them?

I think most British people are too polite and that is why Bull thrives in the UK.

I’m too nice to tell them to just SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Maybe I should do just that.

The Pros and Cons of Growing Old

It’s taken me a while to admit it but, at the age of 55, I am a middle-aged man. In just over four years’ time I will achieve the aim of having been on this planet for 60 years. And at that time, I guess I might also have to admit to being an old man.

I don’t really have a problem with that. A couple of good friends of mine have recently turned 60 and seem to be embracing this new era in their lives with gusto. They are excited about the prospect of retiring and one of them is absolutely delighted with the news that she is about to become a grandparent.

It seems that growing old is great, but not all people agree.

Anyway, to balance the two views, I thought I would prepare a list of the pros and cons of growing old based on a little research and my own philosophy on life.

CONS

(1) Your body starts to let you down.

My eyesight has always been terrible. I used to be short-sighted but now I have to wear varifocals because I am struggling to read. Nobody warned me about that. Also, I have to look forward to illness, deafness and bits of my body that were firm starting to succumb to the effects of gravity and drooping like a water starved flower.

(2) You are not as good looking as you used to be.

Every time I look into the mirror I am convinced that I am becoming uglier. I was hideous to start with and now, with greying hair and wrinkles appearing, I look worn out. Mind you, older people probably think I look fine because their eyesight is getting worse.

(3) Fashion for the elderly is absolutely awful.

The other week I was shopping for a new shirt and wandered into Marks and Spencer. Why, I don’t know – perhaps my ageing brain told me to because I am almost an old git. I looked around the department labelled “Men’s Fashion” (the word “fashion” used in its loosest possible way) and immediately walked out again. The clothes were awful. The only people browsing were old men wearing similar clothes. What person decided that once you get old you should wear clothing that is so dreadful it actually ages you even more?

(4) You start to feel out of touch with young people.

These days I find myself ranting at young people who have no knowledge of the things I used to love when I was their age. They love it and wind me up even more (apparently I am really funny when I rant). When I ask them about their passions and loves they bamboozle me with music, TV programmes, games and all manner of things that I have never heard of. When it comes to youth culture I am totally clueless.

(5) You start going to more funerals than weddings.

Old people are always talking about people who are seriously ill or have died. The cloud of death seems to hover over them and becomes a major topic of conversation. I am a hypochondriac and when I hear that old Bill from up the road has died I have to seriously stop myself from browsing the internet to find out about what killed him. When I am old, all talk about diseases of the aged will be banned.

(6) You start to forget things.

I used to pride myself on having a fantastic memory. Nowadays, it is worse. I am not that bad but I do find myself forgetting simple things. It is infuriating.

(7) You start to slow down.

When I was younger I used to run everywhere, bound up and down the stairs and play sports for fun. These days, I look at young people jumping around, running about and hurling themselves into energetic pastimes with envious eyes. I simply cannot keep up.

PROS

(1) You will be free to do what you like.

I can’t wait until retirement  and I am already making plans. At this moment in time I have no idea what I will do to occupy my time but I don’t care. I will find something. I can write a book, learn a new language, join a club, travel – anything really. By the time I retire I shall have a grand plan and be as rampant as a man in his sixties can be.

(2) You care less about what people think of you.

I used to be a sensitive soul but over the years, I have become immune to people who have insulted me or taken the piss. I usually make fun of myself such is my contempt for my own sensitivity. If someone were to say to me “Why are you going home early? You’re turning into a boring old fart!” I would say “Yes I am – and I am bloody proud of it!”

(3) You are wise.

Older people have had a lot of experience and can generally help and advise anybody. I do this all the time with my two lads and many other young people I know and work with. I have been asked to join a quiz team because of the amount of trivia I have stored in my brain.

(4) You are able to watch your kids grow up.

I have two great boys and am lucky enough to have watched them grow into young adults with minds and personalities of their own. I regard them both as mates as well as sons and we get along famously. I look forward to seeing them have their own families (though I’m not ready to be a grandparent myself yet).

(5) You may be better off.

I quite like the idea about getting pensioner discounts because I am an old git. Sadly I have to wait another few more years before I can enjoy free travel, discount cinema tickets etc.. Also, given how long I have been running the irritating rat race, I would hope that I will be reasonably well off in my twilight years. Thankfully Mrs PM is younger than me by a few years so we should be okay and she can look after my decrepit old body (don’t tell her I said that).

(6) Your experience can stand you in good stead.

Whatever I choose to do when I finally retire, I fully intend to start writing down my thoughts and life experiences more prolifically. Whether the Plastic Mancunian will survive and become a medium for my rants is yet to be decided – but I shall scribble things down for my kids and family to read in the years after I have finally shuffled off this mortal coil. Even now, I like to tell youngsters about things I have experienced – and it’s fun.

(7) You can be as grumpy as you want.

The phrase “grumpy old git” is there to be embraced. I have been practicing for years and am very good at it. “What are you moaning about now?” is a question I am asked a lot. There is so much – just picking up a newspaper can set me off even now. What do you imagine I shall be like it 20 years?

AND FINALLY …

As I said earlier, I have a few years to prepare for being an old man and I hope to embrace the pros listed above while minimising the cons.

I think I can do that … if I’m not too tired and can remember.

Risky Business

When people ask me whether I am willing to take a risk, I tell them that I am very risk averse. I am one of those annoying people who spend ages making decisions in order to minimise risk (that's according to Mrs PM anyway).

Recently, however, I read an article that may have changed my opinion of myself.

The article states that the average Briton takes ten risks a week. As I read the headline, I wondered who these amazing people were. Logically, because I am so risk averse and rarely take any risks at all, there must be thousands of my fellow countrymen who hurl themselves into risk filled situations every single day of the week.

I wanted to know what these people did. I imagined that some of them threw themselves out of aircraft, climbed mountains without the aid of a safety net or asked a policeman if his head was shaped like his helmet.

I wanted to know these people.

And then I read the article.

Foreigners may think that British people are boring stuffy people who keep a stiff upper lip and tut loudly when somebody pushes to the front of a queue. If this article is true then the boring description is also true.

Of the 40 typical “risks” that Britons take, I take 35 of them on a regular basis.

35!!

You may now consider me to be some kind of daredevil, a man who laughs in the face of fear, messes up the hair of terror and pulls down the trousers of danger.

You may think I am Superman on steroids!

You are wrong.

Here are just five of the so-called “risks” in the list.

Turning up at the cinema without a ticket.

Staying up until after 11pm on a work night.

Leaving the house without an umbrella or coat.

Leaving the house with wet hair.

Pressing the snooze button on the alarm.

Are these risks?

Really?

Now I think the opposite. If I am risk averse (and I am) then there must be people living in the United Kingdom who do absolutely nothing, people who always leave the house with a coat no matter how warm it is outside.

“I don’t care whether the weatherman said it will be hot and sunny all day; this is Britain – it’s bound to rain.”

I have to ask myself how these so-called experts came to this conclusion. I don’t recall being phoned up by a mad market researcher and asked a bunch of stupid questions to determine what kind of weirdo I am. I can only imagine the conversation:

PM: Hello.

Market Researcher: Do you go outside without a coat at least once a week?

PM: What?

Market Researcher: Do you go outside without a coat once a week? Or maybe you go out with wet hair?

PM: WHAT??

Market Researcher: I’m sorry. I just want to find out how risk averse you are.

PM: I’m very risk averse. Who are you again?

Market Researcher: A market research assistant. How do you feel about going to a restaurant without booking a table first? 

PM: I do all of those things.

Market Researcher: Wow! I’ve called Superman. And I’ll bet you drink coffee just before you go to bed.

PM: Sometimes, why?

Market Researcher: (muffled) This is GREAT! Hey chaps – I’ve got a great one here. What? No – I’ll bet he doesn’t do that.

PM: Do what? Who are you taking to? 

Market Researcher: Just my colleagues. Can I just ask (gulp) have you ever (I’m a bit scared to ask this) sat in reserved seat on a train to London?

PM: Yes.

Market Researcher: A seat that was reserved for somebody else? 

PM: Yes – I just move when they come.

Market Researcher: What a BADASS you are.

PM: This phone call is over.

Market Researcher: Such a BADASS! Nobody would dare slam the phone on me. We’re British – we are …

PM: (slams down the phone).

It makes me wonder whether all the junk cold calls we receive are just dumb market researchers ringing us to find out how boring we all are. And how risky is it to actually answer those calls? It must be because sometimes I do and I tell them to stop phoning me about an accident I never had, or mis-sold insurance for my mortgage.

Anyway, having read the article I now know that I am a risk seeker. It is official. I take more risks every week than your average Brit.

I am a TOTAL BADASS! I use American slang in my blog posts! I just don’t care!

I listen to heavy metal in my car and, sometimes, I sing out loud.

I sometimes decide, on the spur of the moment, to have a sandwich for lunch instead of a salad. Do you know anyone like that?

I even, sometimes, actually spend money on things I want rather than things I need. How risky is that?

To quote the late great Rik Mayall: “I am a rider at the Gates of Oblivion and I am on the last freedom moped out of Nowhere City!”

Are you impressed with the new me?

The Butterfly Effect

Welcome to the next post in the series about the end of the world – this time concentrating on another silly thing that people believe. This one involves time travel.

Time travel is a concept that fascinates me and has done ever since I was a young boy reading yet another H.G.Wells novel – “The Time Machine”.

I have read several novels and watched a lot of movies that involve time travel and, of course, my favourite science fiction series is Dr Who, where the main protagonist has a machine that can travel back and forth through the ages.

Sadly, as much as I love the concept, there are usually gaping holes in the stories and plot lines. I can forgive most of them but sometimes struggle. Even the simplest ideas can be burdened with anomaly, paradox and contradiction.

I have written down three ideas for time travel novels and each one would be difficult to write, If I were to suddenly become a brilliant novelist overnight I would still struggle with the convoluted plot in each one of the three and would be constantly on the lookout for the inevitable gaping plot holes that would almost certainly occur frequently throughout the storyline.

One day I will have a go but it will be a scary undertaking.

So what has time travel got to do with the end of the world?

If you have ever seen a movie called “The Butterfly Effect” you will know what I am talking about. There are people living on the same planet as you and I who actually believe that the world could end because of the Butterfly Effect.

If you don’t know what I am talking about, let me explain. The Butterfly Effect basically relies on the existence of time travel as a real technology and phenomenon.

Imagine if time travel were possible. If I were to travel back in time and I accidentally stepped on a butterfly, killing it instantly, the effects of that one careless act could theoretically cause a massive chain reaction building up over the intervening years that would ultimately cause a chaotic event that could wipe out humanity and/or the entire planet.

It’s difficult to imagine the death of a butterfly causing such a catastrophe but if you think about it in bigger terms the possibilities are endless, particularly if a human being’s life was accidentally taken instead.

The reason most people dismiss the Butterfly Effect is that it really does rely on the existence of time travel. As much as I love science and the concept of time travel I know that this is impossible. If time travel were possible, surely history would be full of time travelling tourists heading back in time to witness history as it happened. If I could get my hands on the means to travel through time I would almost certainly head forwards in time to see what was going on in the coming centuries rather than going over old ground.

And what would happen if, say, a time traveller with a conscience decided to go back and kill Hitler for example?

The chances are that the resulting turbulence on the time line could prove fatal for the traveller. If World War II never happened, his grand-parents may not have actually met and he would immediately cease to exist as he extinguished Hitler’s life. Or the death of Hitler may end up resulting in the death of a brilliant scientist who ultimately produces the cure for a terrible contagion that wipes out humanity before he has found  the cure.

Brain-bending stuff, eh?

And what if the time traveller had met a younger version of himself? Surely he would have remembered such a momentous occasion in his past life. And would meeting a past version of yourself cause the entire timeline to explode in a paradoxical explosion like the ending of the movie Timecop?

These days,  time travel paradoxes are explained by alternative realities, so that if you were to go back in time and change history, then history as we know it would be preserved while the alternative history caused by you stepping on a butterfly would in fact just be an alternative reality that we would never experience. This was explained in Back to the Future Part II and it blew a lot of people's minds.

Thinking about this makes my brain hurt!

Anyway, enough of this nonsense – and that is what the Butterfly Effect is. The world will not end because of time travel because time travel is impossible.

Even Stephen Hawking agreed with me. He famously held a cocktail party for time travellers from the future, the theory being that in future if time travel becomes possible then any future traveller would accept the invitation, step back in time and attend the party.

Nobody turned up.

If I am wrong and there is a budding Dr Who out there, please feel free to come and visit me any time – assuming this blog stands the test of time and future time travellers are able to read it.

It would make a great story if it happens.

I'll write a post about it.