I Wonder Why ...

There are a lot of things that puzzle me in and beyond this world and I sometimes wonder whether I am far weirder than I originally thought I was. I have been known to sit with my mouth agape with a look of total astonishment on my face about things I read about and see on the TV. 

However, it is worse than that. There are more traditional things that are etched into history, culture and general behaviour that truly astonish me. I thought I might just discuss some of these in a couple of blog posts, starting with this one.

Why do close female friends complement each other, yet close male friends rip each other to shreds mercilessly? 

Whenever Mrs PM goes out with her friends, she says things like “OOH! I love your dress”, “Your new hairstyle is wonderful” and “You look radiant today”.

The male equivalents are “So what possessed you wear that shirt? Are you taking drugs again?”, “It looks like you had a fight with a combine harvester and lost. I hope you’re taking the barber to court” and “You look a bit soppy today. Are you hung over?”

The thing is that men laugh at such insults even when they are the target. For example, I was recently in a pub with four other lads in Chester and I said “When I started drinking, I used to have lager and a dash of line in it.” I was going to explain that I did that because I didn’t like the taste of beer at the time and the lime made it drinkable. I was going to go on to explain that I stopped drinking it because it was expensive and I grew to like the taste of beer. 

I didn’t get very far at all. As soon as I said “lime” I was ruthlessly mocked – by all four of them. I just had to sit there and take the abuse. Mind you, the abuse was funny so I was laughing along too. 

When did that start to happen? And why? 

Why do some people get so angry online?

I’ve had the odd reaction to innocent posts in the past from “keyboard warriors” and “trolls” mainly in comments. When I had a go at Shakespeare in a humorous post, one or two people had a real go at me, calling me names and unleashing their rage at me. 

I allowed one or two posts to slip through but rejected the rest of them because they were quite bad. I have a thick skin so I can take it. I have faith in people and although they disagreed with my thoughts, some people did so in a nice way that provoked debate rather than expressing their outrage on my innocent content.

Some people get a lot worse abuse than I have ever received though. You only have to see reactions to things that celebrities do or what politicians say to judge the depth of the anger and rage in some people. And a lot of things that these trolls are reacting too is totally trivial. 

One of the biggest offenders is Donald Trump but they can’t all be like him – surely? Not everybody in the world is a malignant narcissist, are they? 

I believe that it is because some people are unable to vent their rage in normal life and choose to do so anonymously. 

What I don't understand is that I would never do that so why do some people think it is okay to be so completely horrible online?

What the hell is going on in the universe?

This year, in order to improve the subject matter of my reading material, I decided to start reading more non-fiction and the first book I read was “A Brief History of Time” by the late lamented Professor Stephen Hawking. I studied and passed “A-Level” physics and understood some of the basic concepts he was writing about. Of course, my knowledge of the universe is limited, especially compared to the genius author, but some concepts made my mind utterly boggle. 

For example, time is not a constant. Just think about that for a second. We move through the universe at a temporal speed of one second per second. Yet as we move out into space and increase our speed, time moves slower. What this means is that if I were to board a spaceship and travel for a minute at the speed of light, then time slows down for you. 

Doesn’t that boggle your mind? 

But it’s worse than that. What is dark matter? What the hell is anti-matter? And what is the deal with black holes? What happened before the Big Bang? 

I really enjoyed the book but it left far more questions than answers. 

To be fair, I think that there are numerous physicists trying to answer these questions and make sense of them. 

But my mind is truly boggled!

Why do men stand next to each other when they go to the toilet?

Okay – this is a weird one and I've left it until last for that reason. 

I am a man and I have accepted that whenever I go to a public toilet, I sometimes have to stand next to a man and answer the call of nature. 

But why do we do this? There are unwritten rules of etiquette when you are a bloke. You are not supposed to look around when you are doing the business and definitely not allowed to talk to the gentleman standing next to you, even if you are best friends. Yet women, apparently, are quite happy to have a deep conversation from adjacent cubicles. For men, once you pass the threshold of the toilet door and enter that realm, communication becomes a bad thing unless it is absolutely necessary. And the moment you stand in front of a urinal, no words should pass your lips until you have finished. 

It’s odd. Some bloke in the past must have decided that it is okay to make men stand next to each other. I wonder who that was? 

And finally …

There are many more things that confuse me and I will almost certainly highlight some of these in future posts. 

I am clearly not as clever as I thought I was. 

Spill the Beans

 

Welcome to a rather strange South Manchester – weather wise. We had a couple of really hot days this week (over 20 °C) and now it has returned to typical April weather with cooler temperatures and scattered rain showers. 

Let’s dive straight into some Sunday Stealing silliness. 

1. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

No – not even close. 

2. What foreign language did you study in school? How much of it do you still remember?

I studied French and Latin for five years and German for three years. I passed my “O-Level” examinations in all three. I didn’t see the point of Latin until I started studying German when I discovered that the weird Latin noun forms were all used in German too (apart from ablative). 

How much do I remember? Actually, I remember quite a lot of French and some German and this has helped because I am currently refreshing my knowledge in both via Duolingo. I have discovered that I actually remember quite a few of the words when they are introduced for the first time. Some of the vocabulary is still locked away in my head somewhere. 

I think I would struggle with Latin though because it is the hardest of the three of them. Being a Catholic I was exposed to Latin during Mass because when I used to go in the 1970’s sometimes the entire Mass would be conducted in Latin. I can still remember some of The Creed, for example. Ask me to read a random Latin sentence though and I would probably struggle. 

I still actually have my Latin/English dictionary from school and, were it an active language still, I might be tempted to dive back in. 

3. What recipe did you most recently prepare? Where did you get the recipe and how did it turn out?

I haven’t followed a recipe for years. These days when I cook, I just do the basics. Mrs PM on the other hand has tried loads of recipes and 95% of them are successful. 

I think the last thing I tried to cook from a recipe was a risotto and it turned out quite well, as I recall. My last disaster was a dessert – I have forgotten what it was – which is probably just as well. 

4. What song have you listened to over and over and over again?

I’ve been listening to a lot of Devin Townsend recently, mainly in preparation for his new album called “The Moth” which is due for release next month. On his last album there is a weird song that I just love because it is quite quirky and a little funny. It’s called Ruby Quaker and is all about loving coffee, bizarrely, and the style shifts as the song progresses. The chorus is quite catchy and is a bit of an earworm. 

Here it is:

5. Are there currently any pets in your household? Are you considering adding another? 

Yes – we have two black cats called Ziggy and Star(dust). I am quite happy with just having two because when we have introduced a third cat it has caused chaos. 

People who have read this blog for a while may recall that before Ziggy and Star, we had two other black cats called Jasper and Poppy, both of whom lived to the ripe old age of 18 years old. When they were younger, we had a friend who decided to emigrate to Abu Dhabi because her husband got himself a good job there. The problem was that they had a black cat called Liquorice and they didn’t know what to do with her. In a moment of madness, we decided to keep her and add her to our household. 

What we didn’t realise was that Liqorice was a psychopath. She turned our house upside down. Poor Poppy basically fled upstairs to live there permanently and defend her new kingdom from this psychotic interloper. Jasper, the bigger of the two cats, then waged war on Liqorice for dominance of the rest of the house. In the meantime, this lunatic new cat decided that Mrs PM and I needed to be subdued and started to attack us regularly. 

After a while, though, things settled into a state of détente. Jasper and Liqorice learned to live with each other and, although there were some skirmishes the two of them tolerated each other. Jasper won, I think, because he used to roam around the whole house, whereas Poppy and Liqorice had a stand off where Liqorice would creep upstairs only to end up having a battle with Poppy who, surprisingly, managed to defend her new territory. The problem was that poor Poppy became an upstairs house cat. 

As for the human slaves in the house, Liqorice grew very fond of me and used to often sit on my lap or cuddle up next to my leg. I still had to be alert because, being a psycho, she would occasionally lash out if I touched her when she wasn’t expecting it, or if I accidentally stroked her when she didn’t want to be touched at all. That said, she always used to greet me at the door when I came into the house. 

At the moment, I am happy with the two that we have and I definitely do not want a repeat of the Liqorice situation so there will be no more until something happens to both Ziggy and Star. 

6. As an adult, have you ever performed with a drama group? (Student productions don't count.)

No. I have considered it but I am not sure that I would be comfortable performing in front of others. 

Mr Gullible

I’ve been accused of many things in my past life. In fact, I’ve accused myself of having many odd personality traits. However, when somebody calls me gullible, it raises my hackles slightly. 

I hate to blow my own trumpet (and I rarely do) and when somebody tells me that I am gullible, I start to question why they think that. In almost all cases, it is the person who is accusing me of being gullible that is in fact the gullible one. 

I am trying my best to avoid politics but alas, this subject is the one that highlights gullibility and naiveness in a lot of people. Take Donald Trump for example. I don’t know why, but my internet algorithm hurls the thoughts of the MAGA brigade at me occasionally. I really should stop watching such garbage but I find myself inexorably being drawn into their thoughts and their attempts to defend the indefensible. 

The man is a pathological liar and a malignant narcissist. Why do people believe him, when he is clearly lying? He is out of his depth and the moment he opens his mouth, most people can see exactly what he is. Yet the MAGA cultists believe him, sometimes contradicting themselves defending him. 

“I would never vote for a felon!” announces a MAGA cultist. 

“Er – you actually did!” says the interviewer. 

And then they backtrack with either “Well even a felon is better than Kamala Harris!” or “That’s a democratic hoax. He isn’t guilty; he was framed!”

It’s unbelievable. 

I also can’t quite imagine how somebody would believe the bullshit served on a plate by Scientologists and why so many people fall for the nonsense that they discharge in the name of religion. I’ve mentioned before that Scientologists tried to indoctrinate me in Amsterdam when I was a young, naïve student and, naïve as I was, there was no way I was ever going to fall for their lies. And that was before I discovered that they all believe we are possessed by the souls of aliens. 

And I wonder what flat-earthers think of the Artemis II mission? I have been watching it with a great deal of interest and I am delighted that at the time of writing they are on their way back from this marvellous mission. I imagine that flat-earthers are already starting to spread rumours that it is all a complete hoax and that the evil NATO are trying to brainwash us all. We can clearly see that the planet we all live on ISN’T shaped like a stuffed-crust pizza but these gullible idiots will double down on their collective ignorance to try to convince us otherwise. 

Why are people so gullible? 

Is it a personality flaw? 

I know that things have deteriorated since the advent of social media, with people believing absolutely everything they read, especially if posted by people they apparently trust, or celebrities that they love. I think that’s the case with Donald Trump. He is or was a celebrity and that fact, combined with his extremely isolationist and right-wing political views, have managed to persuade people that he is the man for the job and “the best president we have had in my lifetime” despite the mounting evidence to the contrary. The truth is worse because history will show him to be the worst president ever. The man who said “I will lower prices, end wars and make America great again” has in fact damaged the economy, started a war (with no idea how to end it), and caused America to fall out with its closest allies, which ultimately could damage the country.

That’s the end of the political nonsense for this post. I promise. 

Instead, let me tell you about “The Banana Apocalypse”. If you haven’t heard about this, in January 2000, somebody started sending e-mails saying that imported bananas were infecting people with a disease that is reminiscent of something out of “The Walking Dead”. If you ate an imported banana then you would succumb to “necrotising fasciitis” which would cause your skin to develop huge purple boils that eventually collapse and take away your skin with it, making you look like a Zombie.  

Loads of people believed this nonsense, despite the CDC saying that it was all fabricated. In the end, there were so many people believing it that they had to set up a “banana hotline” to deal with distraught gullible people who ignored the experts. These gullible people spread the rumour and refused to believe the experts who said it was all bullshit. 

What can you do under these circumstances? 

I think that people should question absolutely everything, especially if comes from a sensationalist source, like social media. I think because I have a scientific mind, I try to analyse things before I even begin to start believing them – and even then I keep alive a healthy dose of scepticism in case I have been fooled. 

For example, with Scientology, I could perhaps have been naïve enough to believe that I had a personality disorder that meant that I might need help not to deteriorate to the point where I need something around me to stop me from hurling myself in front of a tram. When it happened, I knew that I was happy and that suicide was the furthest thing from my mind (as it is now and has always been) and that made me question their motives. Had they eventually told me that aliens called Thetans live in my body and that I will rise to become some sort of ethereal cosmic wanderer when I evacuate my corporeal form, I would have laughed and told them to piss off. 

I question everything and I don’t commit myself. I know that the Earth is a globe; I know that Donald Trump is a lying, manipulative malignant narcissist; I know that Adolf Hitler didn’t emigrate to Argentina; I know that Elvis Presley died in the 1970s and isn’t hiding from the Mafia; I know that the Nazis didn’t build a base on the Moon. 

Actually, I would pay money to see an argument between a flat-earther and a person who believed that there are Nazis planning the Fourth Reich on the dark side of the moon. 

Maybe Pink Floyd could write a song about that.

A FAB Storm Called Dave

Welcome to a slightly dodgy South Manchester where at the moment, the weather is okay. The problem is that there is a storm coming which is going to hit the British Isles later today and overnight. 

We have no plans for Easter other than my usual daily walk, which may be an issue tomorrow morning because there is a storm coming. I’m not concerned about that though. What I am concerned about is the name that the Met Office has given the storm. 

They have called it STORM DAVE!

Why did they choose Dave? Why not David? David is bad enough but nobody calls me “David”. People call me “Dave”. 

Here is an excerpt from a message that my daughter-in-law sent me:

I felt that I had to reply:

My son and his wife live in Prestwich, a small town north of Manchester and home to the biggest park in Greater Manchester called Heaton Park, which is a wonderful place and has a lot of gigs there in the summer. This is relevant because I decided to ask ChatGPT to create a picture of what their Easter may be like when “Storm Dave” arrives. This is it and I felt that I had to send it to my dearest daughter-in-law:

I am starting to have some great fun with ChatGPT and AI in general, so much so that I am considering in the future dipping my toe into the world of IT again as a hobby. That’s a fledging idea forming that may or may not happen. 

Anyway, enough fun and banter. I hope that we won’t have to batten down the hatches when Dave arrives. Let’s answer some silly questions from Sunday Stealing. 

F. Film: What movie or tv show are you watching? 

As I said when I wrote a similar post last year, I usually have four shows on the go, two shared with Mrs PM and two for me alone. Here are my current ones:

Mr Mercedes

This is a shared one with Mrs PM. Last year I read the book Mr Mercedes by Stephen King and this is the show that is based on that book. It has three seasons and we have just started the final one. The book was gruesome and so is the series. It stars Brendan Gleason as retired detective Bill Hodges who is being pursued and tormented by a serial killer, the aforementioned Mr Mercedes, who he failed to catch when he was in active service. We’re enjoying it and Mrs PM has decided to read the book. 

The Walking Dead: Darryl Dixon

This is a shared series with Mrs PM and is a spin off from the Walking Dead but set in Europe. So far the hero of the series, Daryl Dixon played by Norman Reedus, has been to France, England (briefly) and now Spain. He has been joined by Carol Peletier, played by Melissa McBride, also from the original series. I liked the Walking Dead and this is slightly more interesting in some ways because it is set in Europe. We are watching the latest season, which is season three. 

American Horror Story: Coven (season three)

I watched the first two seasons of this really gruesome show but the truth is that when I finish a season, I need a break from it. I used to really love horror shows and films but as I’ve got older, I can’t quite take the horror as well as I used to. This is why I have a big gap between seasons when I watch this show. Coven is season three and there are twelve seasons. At this rate it will take twelve years to watch them all because after this I will need another gap. It is very enjoyable but, as the title suggests, a very grisly and scary series that my younger self would have absolutely binge-watched to the end. And yes, I am enjoying it – but I will need a break when season three ends. 

Banshee

I am a big fan of The Boys, which stars Anthony Starr as the evil Homelander. I am looking forward to the final season, which is on very soon (and may already have started). However, my son told me that Anthony Starr previously starred in a very good series called Banshee and I have decided to give that one a go. I’ve only watched two episodes of the first season and it has me hooked already. It is a crime series where an ex-con (Anthony Starr) is searching for his ex-girlfriend and finds her in the town of Banshee where circumstances mean that he cons his way into becoming the sheriff of the town. 

A. Audio: What are you listening to?

There are a lot of new albums due out this year from some of my favourite artists. However, I shall mention a new band that I discovered right at the end of last year called IHLO. They are a British Progressive Metal band and have two albums to their name. I have listened to the first a few times and I am just starting to listen to their second offering. 

Here is a song from their first album that I absolutely love. It is called Coalescence and it is a belter:

B. Book: What are you reading?

I’m currently reading two things. I have almost finished “Quiet” by Susan Cain, which is all about the ups and downs of being an introvert. In terms of fiction I am reading a series of science fiction novels called The Survivors by Nathan Hystad. Whether I persist with them I don’t know. I have twelve books but the series is apparently still going on strong with book twenty-four. I may just finish the one I am currently reading (number four) and then have a break and move onto something else. 

Plastic Factoids

Welcome to a sunny spring day in South Manchester. Winter is still fighting though as I discovered on a walk on Thursday. Thankfully I was prepared for the worst because the weather forecast said “there may be rain”. 

Let me tell you what I experienced. 

It was sunny for the first ten minutes and then suddenly, from seemingly nowhere, the heavens opened and decided to hurl down hail. Not content with that, the wind picked up and threatened to destroy my brolly and even me. Ten minutes later, the hail turned to a deluge of rain and even though I had a coat and a terrified umbrella with me, it didn’t stop my jeans from getting drenched. And so it went on for the next six miles with freezing cold temperatures. That is, until two minutes from home, when the clouds disappeared and the sun came out raising the temperature again. I was in the house again remarking to Mrs PM that the weather was nice now, only to be proven wrong immediately as I looked out of the window and saw that the sun had vanished to be replaced by snow!

Such is spring in Manchester. 

In other news, I was disheartened to hear that Chuck Norris has passed away. While he wasn’t the world’s greatest actor, I recall laughing at how dreadful “Walker, Texas Ranger” was, marvelling at the fight scene between him and Bruce Lee in “The Way of the Dragon”. More recently, I remember laughing loudly at the Chuck Norris jokes that flooded the internet for a long time. I even wrote a blog post it:

Chuck Norris v Mr T 

He even lampooned himself in Expendables 2 – enjoy the punchline:

Rest in Peace Chuck.

Shall we answer some silly questions from Sunday Stealing? 

1. Is your phone Apple or Android? What about your laptop?

I used to have an iPod but when that died, so did my association with Apple. 

My phone is Android because there is a lot more choice out there and I find them superior to iPhones. In fact in my experience, a lot of guys who work in IT prefer Android. I’m not saying that iPhones are bad; technically they are very good and of course led the wayat the dawn of the smartphone. I just think they are overpriced and not as good as Android phones. That’s my own personal opinion. 

I have a Dell laptop running Windows 11. Bizarrely, I’ve heard good things about Mac laptops but in this case, I have always worked with Microsoft, making it easier to just hit the ground running when I have to get a new one. 

2. Can you say "thank you" in more than one language?

Yes, I can. I can say “Thank you” in English, French (“Merci”), German (“Danke”), Spanish (“Gracias”), Russian (“Спасибо” pronounced “spasibo”), Portuguese (“obrigado”), Dutch (“Bedankt”), Mandarin (“謝謝”, pronounced “Xiexie”) and Japanese (“ありがとう” pronounced “Arigato”).

This doesn’t make me a total polyglot because apart from English, I can barely make myself understood in French, German and Spanish and struggle when people speak back to me. Some people say that I can barely speak English. 

3. What do you draw when you doodle?

I don’t doodle now but I used to when I was working, particularly in tedious meetings, where doodling helped me to stay awake as the bullshit flowed around. 

What did I draw? 

I would either try to draw a man’s face and, if the meeting was particularly soul-destroying, that man would evolve into a vampire. 

I would also occasionally draw cubes and cuboids, shading them in or trying to combine them into elaborate sculptures. 

Before I finish, I have to say that I am terrible at drawing and if you were to see anything I attempted you would say something like “that’s good for a three-year old” or “wow – that chimp can actually vaguely draw!”. 

4. Which do you enjoy more, Scrabble or bowling?

I assume you mean tenpin bowling as opposed to crown green bowling. 

Either way, that’s a tough one. I am not very good at either type of bowling. I am also not very good at Scrabble. 

On reflection, I would say that I probably enjoy Scrabble first, then tenpin bowling then crown green bowling. But I enjoy them all. 

5. Can you juggle?

I can only juggle my hobbies in retirement. As for juggling balls and skittles, absolutely no chance. My hand/eye coordination is non-existent when it comes to such things. 

6. Have you ever worn pyjamas in public?

Why would I ever even consider doing that? 

7. Was your best subject in school the one you enjoyed the most?

That would be maths (dearest American readers – note the “s”). I seem to be quite gifted when it comes to all things mathematical and I flew through my “O-level”, “AO-Level” and “A-Level” passing all three of them with the top grade (in the UK that is an “A”). 

At university, I had to take several maths courses as part of my Computational and Statistical Science degree and that is when I started to find it tricky. Because I entered university with such good exam results, they put me in with the top mathematics graduates and I found it very taxing (although I still managed to pass the exams). Thankfully in my final year, I managed to ditch all mathematics modules to concentrate on the Computer Science and Statistics exams. 

Before then, at school, I was such a nerd that I used to do past exam papers for fun. 

WHAT A GEEK I WAS (and probably still am). 

8. When you're offered the senior discount before you ask for it, are you offended or grateful?

I have never been offered a senior discount before asking for it, even though I am in some cases a senior. In the UK, my pension age is 67 so I won’t get the state pension until then (I have about three and a half years to wait). But such is the weirdness of the UK sometimes, that I can often get a discount for being over 60. 

The big problem is that I don’t actually look my age and people look at me and question how old I really am. I have suffered this from the age of 18 when I wanted to buy a beer or get into an 18 certificate movie (rated R in the US) but was refused. Back then we didn’t have official ID cards (we still don’t - I use my driver's licence) so I was wrongly refused – even when I was as old as my early 20’s. I didn’t learn to drive until I was 23 so as soon as I got my driver’s license things changed. 

The last time I was asked my age in a pub was when I was 30 years old. The barmaid, who was clearly younger than me, said “I think you are over 18 but I just thought I would check. Are you over 18?” I laughed and said “Yes! I’m 30!”. “OH MY GOD!” she said, laughing. “You’re way older than I am.”

These days, I have my driver’s license with me all the time so I can get discount tickets for things like the cinema quite easily. I really should ask Mr Google or Mr ChatGPT to find out what I can actually get a discount for. I might save money. 

9. Do you agree that with age comes wisdom?

Absolutely. The reason is that we all learn from our mistakes and I have made so many in my life that I have lost count of them. This puts me (and others like me) in the enviable position that I can judge situations based on earlier mistakes I have made and advise youngsters based on my own experience and things I have struggled with. 

I still make mistakes and I am still learning so it is an ongoing process even at my age. 

10. Do you consider Sunday the first day of the week or the last day of the weekend? 

When I was working, I considered Sunday as the last day of the weekend because, for me, the week started in anger on Monday. 

Now that I have retired, every day is like Saturday, so I am happy to consider Sunday to be the first Saturday of the week. 

Bonkers

I like a lot of songs but some of them are what I would describe as bonkers. 

I do appreciate that “bonkers” is in the eye of the beholder and while some people may think that a song is bonkers, it doesn’t necessarily follow that all people will think that the song is bonkers; some people may even say that it is a masterpiece. 

I thought that I would share ten songs that I love (in no particular order), but that I feel are bonkers. If you feel that these songs are masterpieces then that’s totally up to you. 

1. Godley and Creme – Snack Attack!

Kevin Godley and Lol Creme used to be in a Manchester based band called 10cc who, in their own way produced some slightly eccentric songs. Godley and Creme struck out on their own in the late 1970s and had great success with an album called “Ismism”, featuring a massive hit song in the UK called "Under Your Thumb". However, on the same album there are a couple of songs that I would call bonkers and the one that stands out is “Snack Attack”. 

It is supposedly sung by a man who is so enormous that the doctors wired his jaws together so that he can’t eat huge quantities of food and who is singing about his struggles with his desire to eat. 

The lyrics are really silly and hilarious. 

Here are some of my favourites:

I can’t eat no more – I gotta use a straw.

…

Armies of food invade my sleep

Led by lasagnas ten inches deep

My head is pounding my heart is beating

Cows are mooing sheep are bleating

I'm being haunted by all the meat I've eaten 

2. The Mute Gods – Tardigrades Will Inherit the Earth

Nick Beggs is a rather eccentric person and was the bass player in Kajagoogoo who had a massive hit in the early 1980’s. He has done a lot of work since then, notably (for me at least) working with one of my favourite artists – Steven Wilson. 

A few years ago he formed a band called The Mute Gods, a prog rock band that had three albums. This song is the title track of the second album and has a great title. 

In case you are wondering, tardigrades are microscopic creatures that are supposed to be very resilient even surviving exposure to space, thus prompting the premise of this song that these tiny creatures will survive when humankind has annihilated all life on the planet. 

A Tardigrade

While the song may have a serious message, it is a very silly song with a very silly video that is typical of Nick Beggs’ eccentricity. 

3. Whale – Hobo Humpin’ Slobo Babe

Whale were a Swedish band active for most of the 1990’s and this is the only song that I have heard by the band. But what a bonkers belter it is. A “slobo babe” is meant to be a Chelsea girl – or maybe not. Either way, this song is crazy – in my eyes at least.

I have absolutely no idea what the song is about. Perhaps somebody could shed some light on it. 

4. Electric Six – Danger! High Voltage

Electric Six have a couple of mad songs but this one is absolutely bonkers. The video adds to its bonkers nature (I think it is hilarious) and the whole thing makes little sense to me – apart from the raunchy nature of it all. I love the mad lyrics too:

Fire in the disco

Fire in the Taco Bell

Fire in the disco

Fire in the gates of hell

5. Thomas Dolby – Hyperactive!

Thomas Dolby had a big hit with this song in 1984 and I was drawn to it because it is a mad song. I loved it at the time and I still love it now. Why? Because I think it’s bonkers. 

6. David Bowie – The Jean Genie

This may seem like a normal song at first but if you listen to the lyrics you will discover that they are truly bonkers. Here are a few examples:

A small Jean Genie snuck off to the city

Strung out on lasers and slash back plazas

Ate all your razors while pulling the waiters

Talking 'bout Monroe and walking on Snow White

New York's a go-go and everything tastes right

Poor little Greenie

. . .

Sits like a man, but he smiles like a reptile

She loves him, she loves him, but just for a short while

She'll scratch in the sand, won't let go his hand

He says he's a beautician and sells you nutrition

And keeps all your dead hair for making up underwear

Poor little Greenie

This song goes down in history as the very first song I heard by David Bowie, so as well as being bonkers it is also a very special one to me. 

7. Focus – Hocus Pocus

Focus are a Dutch progressive rock band who were very big in the 1970’s. They are apparently still going strong. But back in the 1970’s they had a couple of big hits in the UK, one of which is "Hocus Pocus" and shows the band at their most eccentric. The keyboard player is called Thijs van Leer and he is responsible for the bonkers vocal interventions between the musical interludes which include yodelling and whistling as well as one flute interlude. I love the song but I think it is bonkers. And "Hocus Pocus by Focus" has a nice ring to it. 

8. Devin Townsend – Bad Devil 

I am a huge fan of Devin Townsend and he writes some great songs – and some weird ones too. One of my favourite of his weird songs is “Bad Devil”. As well as being truly bonkers, it is a really fun song that moves around various genres all in the space of about four minutes. 

Bad Devil 

Bad Double-Decker Devil

9. Rammstein – Te Quiero Puta!

Rammstein are a German industrial metal band who sing almost exclusively in the native language, apart from the odd song in English, French and, in this case, Spanish. Who knows why they decided to produce a mariarchi style song sung entirely in Spanish? It is not their typical style at all.

They are famous in Germany for having very dodgy lyrics in their own language and this song is no exception. If you understand Spanish (and I do understand a fair amount) you will know what this means (and perhaps should be wary of listening to the words). Still, it is totally bonkers.

10. Tenacious D – Master Exploder

Jack Black’s band is famous for crazy songs (take "Tribute" as an example). However, I think that “Master Exploder” is the craziest as you will see from the video below. 

Warning, it is funny, a bit gruesome, rude and contains swearing – and, of course, it is completely bonkers. 

Teenage Wildlife

Welcome to a sunny and warm spring day in South Manchester. It looks like we have dismissed winter for another few months, although typically, particularly in the UK, it can come back just to nip us on the arse occasionally. 

It must be getting warmer because the cricket season starts in a couple of weeks and I will be popping to Old Trafford to watch a few games this season as long as the weather is good enough that is. 

Let’s answer some silly Sunday Stealing  questions about adolescence. I have to say that this time of my life was particularly hormonal and as such I became a bit of an arse before I finally started to grow up. You could argue that I am still growing up in my 60’s – it’s a long process for me. 

Have you ever: 

1. Skipped school?

No. I was a cheeky little bugger but I was quite studious and conscientious; I wanted the best grades possible. The school I went to was a grammar school which put a lot of emphasis on succeeding academically with the ultimate goal to be to attend university and fly off into the sunset with a great career with great qualifications. While I used to arrogantly question the teachers and act like an immature little monster, they somehow managed to convince me that academic achievement was something that I needed to pursue. That means that I never even considered playing truant. 

2. Lettered in a school sport?

I had to look this up. I have never heard of “lettering in a school sport” and Mr Google informed me that it is an Americanism that means that you have excelled so much in a sport that you have a letter on your jacket to display as a sort of award. This actually explains a lot to me in that I never realized the significance of having a jacket like this:

I have seen them but usually only in American “teen” movies. You live and learn.

We don’t have such things in the UK and to be honest I wasn’t good enough at sport to have achieved such a dubious accolade. I did make the school sports team for cross country running, which involves a race over rough terrain such as fields, roads and woodland for a middle distance of about five miles on average. I hated it because you had to run in the coldest parts of winter. I failed at rugby because I was too small and I failed at cricket because I was hit in the face by a cricket ball and it made me very nervous about participating. I did play other sports but for fun more than achievement. 

3. Made a prank phone call?

Oh yes. We called up one of my teachers once pretending to be meals on wheels and it was working until my mate screamed out my name. The teacher never said anything but I am sure that he started picking on me more afterwards. We also called taxis for people once or twice. 

4. Paid for a meal with coins?

Not a meal but a pint of beer. When I was a student in Liverpool, I had a jar where I stored all of my spare change, and one day I worked out that I had a few quid in there – enough to buy a couple of pints at the local pub. Sadly, when I counted out the cost of the pint in 1p and 2p coins, the barman told me that he would accept it this time but not again. I was tempted to question his judgement until I realised that I was surrounded by a lot of local people who were already annoyed at this spotty little bespectacled student. 

I never did it again. 

5. Laughed until some sort of beverage came out of your nose?

Oh yes – several times as both a child and an adult. The last time it happened was when somebody told a joke in the office and I had a mouth full of tea, which I managed to eject from my mouth and nose all over my desk, onto my keyboard and all over my notebook. It was unpleasant but I couldn’t stop laughing. And the worst thing was that the joke wasn’t even that funny – it just caught me unawares.