Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies ...

There is a period in the British calendar that most people dread and unfortunately that time is upon us.

It is a time of lies, deceit, sycophancy, boredom and terrible clichés. It is a time when people roll their eyes in disgust; a time for ranting and a time for puking at obsequiousness. It is a time when some grown men will cower rather than answer their front door. It is a time when most people will want to switch off their TV sets and stop reading newspapers. It is a time of awful tabloid headlines (no change there) and violence-inducing editorials. It is a time of tedium. It is a time of pain, anger and frustration. It is a time for old men to kiss babies and visit people they don’t care about who are sitting in hospital beds. It is a time for liars to visit schools and pontificate.

It is time for a General Election.

The TV will be full of insipid politicians blithering on about subjects that matter, but peppering their rhetoric with false claims and lies about other politicians. Old politicians will be wheeled out to make jingoistic speeches on behalf of the current crop of deceitful buffoons.

TV presenters will wet themselves in public as they tell us the results of meaningless opinion poll after meaningless opinion poll. Speeches will be over-analysed, every word being examined to determine its hidden meaning.

If you are very unlucky, you will live in a marginal constituency, which means that all manner of boring politician will descend on your locality, possibly even knocking on your door to urge you to vote for them.

Guess who lives in a marginal constituency? Yes – that’s right – I DO!!

The sickening sycophancy started a week or two ago but now the election has been formally announced, the entire process will crank up several gears into rampant overdrive.

Babies will be kissed so much that their heads will be covered in a thin film of politician saliva.

Some politicians may even stand on a soapbox and wag their fingers in a condescending way to the electorate while making a speech full of big words, political clichés and total bullshit.

I hate elections – perhaps you have guessed.

I enjoy watching the news but during this month of political upheaval there is no news other than the bloody election. Here is a typical 30 minute news bulletin during an election:

“Welcome to the Six O’Clock News. The headlines tonight – the election stepped up a gear tonight …”

28 minutes of political crap.

“… and now other news. A giant asteroid measuring twenty miles across is heading for Earth and may arrive before the end of the election. That might affect opinion polls. Here’s what the party leaders have to say …”

To be honest it is our privilege as a democracy to be able to vote and so it should be. However, what I object to is the constant barrage of political nonsense that I am forced to absorb with all five senses for a month.

Gordon Brown announced the election yesterday, April 6th. The election will take place on 6th May. That’s a whole month when my living room and all newspapers will be full of politics. People will talk about politics and argue about politics. Politics is tedious and I will have to eat it, sleep it, crap it and then flush it away, only for more tons of the stuff to seep into my life the next day.

It drives me nuts.

So who can we vote for?

We have three main political parties and quite a few minority parties.

The current Prime Minister is a Scottish man called Gordon Brown, leader of the Labour Party, who is a dour sourpuss. As I watch him on TV I feel my good humour sapping through my feet and by the time he has finished talking I have mutated into Marvin the paranoid android. Gordon Brown’s image consultants have made him aware that he lacks any kind of charisma and in the past have urged him to smile. But therein lies a problem. When Gordon Brown smiles he changes form a dour sourpuss into a scary alien. I walked into a room and sat watching him on TV attempting to smile to reassure people that he is a happy chap and after ten minutes I turned to Mrs PM and said “Is this a new science fiction series? He’s a really scary bad guy.” Mrs Pm told me who it was and I almost ran from the room in terror – it was only morbid curiosity that made me stay.

His main rival is a man called David Cameron, the Conservative Party leader. David Cameron is young and serious and has moulded himself on Tony Blair (even though Tony Blair was a former leader of the Labour Party). Cameron proclaims that he is a man of the people and that he understands how the average person on the street thinks. He claims that he is just an “ordinary bloke”. Except he’s not. He’s a highly educated rich bloke who has about as much in common with the man on the street as I have with duck-billed platypus. He is a good presenter but he is as shallow as a puddle.

And finally we have Nick Clegg – good old Nick, the leader of the Liberal Democrat Party. He is an average man in the street, so average in fact that if you were to walk past him you would miss him – even if you had just had a twenty minute conversation with him. He is Mr anonymous; he has no charisma and reminds me of one of those stereotypical automatons, you see carrying their briefcases on business trips abroad.

I have a choice between a scary dour sourpuss, a public school snob who claims to be as streetwise as Vanilla Ice and a man who looks and talks like a boring businessman.

I could go for one of the fringe parties:

The Green Party, who claim that our planet is becoming a greenhouse while offering no proof whatsoever and want everybody to sit in the dark to save the planet.

The BNP, a party who want to rid the UK of all non-white people, even those who were born here.

I just wish that the Monster Raving Looney Party had a candidate in my area.



So it looks like I will have to go for one of the “big three”. How are they going to tempt me?

Labour: We want fairness.

Conservatives: We want change.

Liberal Democrats: We want fairness AND change.

Not much help there either.

The truth is that I am totally disillusioned with politics, simply because in the past couple of years they have been exposed for fiddling their expenses, some small amounts of cash admittedly but some running into thousands of pounds. A large percentage of them have been exposed as liars and have destroyed our trust in them – and even worse, tried to justify themselves in the most outrageous ways:

“I need this money to maintain my house. Those who disagree with me are just jealous!”

Such things infuriate me.

What’s more, these same people, or people of their ilk, will start to talk to me about fairness, honesty and integrity while lying through their teeth.

And, because I live in constituency that is quite closely fought between the Liberal Democrats and Labour, I reckon that they will all be lining up to knock on my door and lie to me in front of my own house.

I will be glad when it’s all over.

If I had any political desires myself I would stand as an independent candidate but to be honest the thought of sitting in the Houses of Parliament listening to a tsunami of verbal diarrhoea would fill me with absolute dread.

I think I am going to become a hermit and move to cave in Wales for a month. Mind you, knowing my luck, they would find me there.

I think I might just turn to apathy – at least it might make sense.

People Who Annoy Me (Part One) - Politicians

I hate politics; politicians annoy me immensely.

I heard a quote that summed up what I think about politicians:

“You can tell when a politician is lying – he is talking!”

You would have thought that the people who govern us are worthy to fulfil such an important role in life. I’m sure that there are politicians who are deeply sincere and are in politics for all the right reasons. Unfortunately you don’t normally see these gems because they are usually working in the background; the politicians we are exposed to on the media and in the newspapers are the ones who irritate me most.

I watch the news and see interviews with these people and I am flabbergasted that they have the front to even open their mouths, such is the crap that pours forth from their lying lips.

I shake my head in absolute disgust when they throw statistics that “support” their arguments; statistics that nobody can prove and that have been made up on the spot – here’s one: “Iraq could deploy weapons of mass destruction within 45 minutes” – no they couldn’t. Why? Because they don’t bloody well have any – they never did!

I cringe when I hear them bad-mouthing their opposition counterparts knowing that they are as guilty, if not more so, of the same things.

I yell in frustration when these people refuse to answer civil questions with a simple “yes” or “no”, choosing instead to subject us all to a complete pile of horse manure that is totally irrelevant to the question that has been asked.

I rant when I hear politicians distorting the facts and telling us outright lies, expecting us to believe them just because they are using ridiculous flowery language to disguise the true meaning of what they are saying.

I descend into an apopleptic rage when they preach about moral values when they are guilty of the most immoral and sometimes criminal activities.

I recoil in shock when they slap on a false deceitful smile to make themselves appear to be lovable, sincere and good human beings.

In recent years I have really struggled to cope with my irritation. In the UK we have three parties jostling for position to become our governors:

The Labour Party – led by bumbling Gordon Brown, our current Prime Minister, a man who has a smile that scares small children.

The Conservative Party – led by David Cameron, an old Etonian who comes out with crap like “Hug a Hoodie” because he is so out of touch.

The Liberal Democrats – led by the anonymous Nick Clegg. I would say something about him but I wouldn’t know him if I fell over him.

What a choice we have when our next general election comes next year. I can’t bring myself to vote for any of them, particularly given the disgusting shenanigans that have been going on recently regarding expenses.

In Britain we have more than our fair share of self-righteous pillocks but other countries suffer as well. Look at Italy with Berlusconi. I wouldn’t trust that man to look after my cats. And don’t get me started on the United States of America; one look at George W Bush lets me know that they too have the same problem.

I want to change the constitutions of most if not all countries in the world. As far as I am concerned, most politicians are power hungry liars who will do and say anything to cling onto powers. Most are hypocrites and deserve nothing but contempt.

I’ll finish on a lighter note. Here (again) are some more George W Bush gaffes (with a bizarre scene at the end containing some rhythmic British politicians):



Here in Britain, we have Prime Minister’s Question Time, when our beloved Prime Minister gets to answer tough questions. However, when he makes a gaffe, he is ridiculed mercilessly. Here is what happened when Gordon Brown claimed he had saved the world recently:



And finally, we have my favourite target of ridicule, the Mayor of London (HOW DID THAT HAPPEN????) Boris Johnson. This man is being touted by some as a future Prime Minister. Heaven help us:



And finally back to Gordon Brown who makes a fool of himself in front of the world once more:



"Obama Beach" - I love it! What a pillock!!

Anarchy In The UK

I’ve been a little more prolific today – this is my second post of the day.

Recent events in the world, and in the UK in particular, have made me start thinking about politics – or should I say lack of politics.

First of all, we have a global economic crisis, due to the greed and arguably criminal activities of bankers; a crisis that leads to a credit crunch, increased poverty and a deep recession that is chewing away at everybody’s savings.

The Battlestar UK has been caught in the gravitational pull of a huge black hole and is drifting inexorably towards the void.

Its pilot, one Gordon Brown has tried in vain to convince all of us that he and his government are steering the UK in the direction of prosperity. I have always been sceptical of anything that comes out of a politician’s mouth; they consider themselves to be champions of the UK and on the people’s side – I have simply never believed a word of it. In my opinion most of them are liars.

There has been cock-up after cock-up after cock-up; if it wasn’t true it would be an absolute joke. I’ve looked at the Labour Party and thought to myself – is this the party I voted for? And then I’ve looked at the Conservatives, led by a man who seems to have no talent whatsoever; David Cameron. His policies are based on what he reads in the red-top tabloids – whatever is unpopular at the moment, he will adopt (no matter how absurd). And it just gets worse – as Gordon Brown’s popularity has dwindled, he has actually started to steal Cameron’s ideas. You couldn’t make it up could you?

Is there an alternative to Brown’s Labour Party or Cameron’s Conservatives? Why yes – there are the Liberal Democrats, a party led by the largely anonymous Bob – or is it Thingummy Bob? Hang on, it will come to me in a minute – ah yes! Nick Clegg.

I’ve sat and watched the news, read the newspapers and seen the government’s popularity slip towards oblivion as Cameron, who has had to do nothing, has watched his popularity rise. I mean, he has only needed to sit and smile as Labour have self-destructed.

Now, however, fate has kicked the UK in the balls yet again. Now, thanks to the Daily Telegraph, our beloved government, and most of the opposition as well, have been exposed as lying, cheating and thieving blackguards who have been fiddling expenses to line their own pockets.

Members of Parliament (MPs) are allowed to claim their out of pocket expenses, mainly due to having to live in London, potentially miles away from their constituencies. Most have purchased expensive properties in the London area and claimed expenses on those properties. But they have, quite frankly, been taking the absolute piss and claiming absurd and ridiculous payments, as well as manipulating the system to maximise their income, straight from the taxpayers, i.e. me and every other UK citizen.

Here’s a list of some of the things that caught my attention in the newspaper at the weekend:

(1) An MP who “forgot” that he had paid off his mortgage and claimed payments up to £16,000. How on earth would anybody forget that they had paid off their mortgage?
(2) Another MP who claimed £13,000 for a mortgage he had paid off.
(3) Another claimed £5,000 for furniture for THREE properties.
(4) Another MP who tried to claim £8500 for a huge plasma television set and nearly £2000 for a rug imported from New York.
(5) Small beans, I know, but another MP claimed £115 to have 25 light bulbs changed at his London home.
(6) Another claimed £2000 to have his moat cleaned. HIS BLOODY MOAT!!!
(7) Another female MP “accidentally” claimed for her husband watching a pornographic film.

You can find more here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/8039273.stm

And this is just the tip of the iceberg. MPs have been selling homes, paid for by us, in such a way that they can avoid paying capital gains tax. Some MPs have made an absolute fortune this way at our expense; and the worst think is, that these MPs think that they have done nothing wrong. So, not only are we all suffering because of a global credit crunch and incompetence of bankers, the very people who supposed to be running the country and those who’s job it is to oppose those running the country, are ripping us off further.

There are thousands of people in the UK who are struggling to pay off their mortgage because of the recession and are in a position where they may actually lose their homes; yet here we have a bunch of thieving fat cats abusing the system to line their own pockets.

And the crowning turd in the swimming pool is the fact that the majority of them THINK THEY HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.

What planet are these people living on?

People up and down the country are furious and absolutely livid. Even those who hate Gordon Brown must be totally disillusioned at the antics of the only viable opposition.

The definition of anarchy is:

Absence of any form of political authority.

Political disorder and confusion.

Absence of any cohesive principle, such as a common standard or purpose.

The Battlestar UK has just accelerated towards the black hole. Now is a great time to become an anarchist – I think most people in Britain are harbouring a great desire to do just that. If ordinary people such as me were to break or flout the rules in the way that some of our so called honourable MPs have done, we would be sacked from our jobs immediately and possibly prosecuted for flouting the law.

The whole sorry thing is an absolute disgrace and I for one am ranting endlessly about it – and I’m not alone. The TV cameras have been out on the streets of Britain asking the people what they think and almost everybody is outraged.

We are not going to forget this. The House of Lords has been re-badged by the media as the “House of Frauds”. The worst offenders, if they are not sacked, will lose their seats in the next election for sure. In 2010, when Gordon Brown faces the people, he will suffer, as will his counterpart. The prospect of mutiny on Battlestar UK has never been more possible.

Finally, I’d like to share with you two reactions that I read today that made me laugh about all this (and I needed a laugh I will tell you):

One reader said that the British electorate must envy Ali Baba because he only had 40 thieves to deal with.

Another said that his grandfather had told him that only one man had ever entered the Houses of Parliament with honest intentions – and that was Guy Fawkes.