Bull in a China Shop

So there I am sitting in a quiet place, minding my own business, and enjoying the silence as I read, contemplate life and take a nice quiet journey around my weird and wonderful imagination.

And then you hear something approaching in the distance; the Bull in the china shop.

Note - I use the word “bull” just because the phrase sums this person up perfectly but it is not necessarily male.

Let's call this person Bull.

First the voice – either a shrieking high pitched cackle or a deep booming laugh – before Bull appears and shatters the tranquillity in the noisiest way possible.

Bull shouts rather than speaks.

Bull laughs so loud that windows shake and glass struggles not to shatter.

Bull sits right next to complete strangers and invades their personal space even when he has never met them.

Bull slams doors.

Bull orders noisy food to eat and slobbers and crunches his way through the food.

Bull finds it impossible to stay still.

Bull finds it impossible to stay quiet.

Bull has to talk to people in his vicinity even if he doesn’t know them.

Bull thinks he’s the most popular person in whatever room he is in.

Bull moves things around with so much noise that he disturbs everyone and everything in his path.

Bull is usually a clumsy oaf.

Here is an example of Bull:

I don’t mind people who are talkative and funny and loud sometimes, but Bull is something else entirely - always loud, rarely funny and totally annoying – the kind of person who comes into a room and wants to simply take over, even when the room is quiet – for example a restaurant.

When Bull sits on the adjacent table in a restaurant, your enjoyment of the meal plummets.

Even when total privacy is required, Bull can invade your space.

Take for example if you are in a public toilet cubicle and Bull comes in. You hear him march in, slamming the door and cringe as he goes into the cubicle next to you, slamming the door of course. There is no subtlety – he groans, belches, farts throws himself onto the toilet as if from a great height, snorts, groans, makes as much noise as he can and in the worst case, starts talking on his phone.

Worse – he starts talking to YOU!

I have had the misfortune of sitting next to Bull on flight from Europe to Manchester.

The conversation went something like this:

Bull: WHAT ARE YOU READING?

PM: I’m sorry? 

Bull: I SAID WHAT ARE YOU READING?

PM: “A Short History of Nearly Everything” by Bill Bryson.

Bull: OH – I LIKE BILL BRYSON BUT THAT BOOK IS BLOODY SHIT! I DON’T KNOW WHAT HE WAS THINKING WHEN HE WROTE THAT GARBAGE. HOW FAR THROUGH IT ARE YOU?

PM: I’ve just started it.

Bull: WELL IF I WERE YOU I’D LEAVE IT ON THE PLANE. WAIT UNTIL YOU GET TO THE PART …

PM: I’m sorry – I’m enjoying it so far. I’ll make my own judgement. Do you mind if I carry on?

Bull: YOU MUST BE A BIT WEIRD IF YOU LIKE THAT BOOK. IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY!! 

PM: Thanks for that. I’ll be the judge of that.

Bull: NOW HERE’S A GOOD BOOK!

PM: I’m not interested really – I just want to read this.

Bull: WELL THIS ONE IS MUCH BETTER THAN THAT PILE OF CRAP! HERE – TAKE A LOOK!

And so it went on – and on – and on – and on! By the time I had left the plane (the longest two hours of my life) he had told me his entire life story, why he was so great and why I was so weird and had no decent taste in books. Not content with bellowing in my ear for the entire trip, his elbows kept nudging me as we both ate and most of his meal ended up on the back of the seat in front of him.

I’ve seen Bull on a train too – thankfully annoying somebody else. In the UK we have quiet carriages where people are asked to be quiet so that others can read or work in peace. Personally I don’t travel in them because I listen to music and the noise of the headphones can annoy others. Bull shouldn’t travel in them either – but once I saw Bull thrown out of the quiet carriage because, unsurprisingly, he was making far too much noise and totally irritating everybody else. Bull then sat in a seat close to me and told the entire sorry tale to a perfect stranger who wasn’t interested at all but was being polite.

“I JUST STARTED TALKING TO THIS WOMAN AND SHE TOLD ME TO BE QUIET! I KNOW IT’S MEANT TO BE SILENT IN THERE BUT IT WAS LIKE A BLOODY LIBRARY – HOW BORING! ANYWAY, SHE COMPLAINED AND THE GUARD ASKED ME TO SHUT UP AND LEAVE! I DECIDED TO JUST GO! I LIKE TO TALK TO PEOPLE – DON’T YOU? THEY SHOULD CALL IT THE BORING BASTARD CARRIAGE! ANYWAY – WHAT’S YOUR NAME? I’M BULL AND I’M A REALLY FUNNY GUY. OH SORRY - I'VE SPILLED MY DRINK ALL OVER YOUR  BOOK. IT 'S SHIT ANYWAY!"

And so he went on – and on – and on! Thankfully, I could drown his voice out by listening to some rock music. I pitied the poor guy he had inflicted himself upon.

I don’t mind friendly people and I am willing to chat to anybody as long as they are pleasant, quiet, interesting and stop talking when I have had enough and want to read or listen to music.

Bulls don’t do that – they are relentless – they can’t take a hint even when it is blatant. They enter a room like a Bull in a China Shop!

Have you ever met anybody like that? 

How do you deal with them?

I think most British people are too polite and that is why Bull thrives in the UK.

I’m too nice to tell them to just SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Maybe I should do just that.

People Who Annoy Me (Part One) - Politicians

I hate politics; politicians annoy me immensely.

I heard a quote that summed up what I think about politicians:

“You can tell when a politician is lying – he is talking!”

You would have thought that the people who govern us are worthy to fulfil such an important role in life. I’m sure that there are politicians who are deeply sincere and are in politics for all the right reasons. Unfortunately you don’t normally see these gems because they are usually working in the background; the politicians we are exposed to on the media and in the newspapers are the ones who irritate me most.

I watch the news and see interviews with these people and I am flabbergasted that they have the front to even open their mouths, such is the crap that pours forth from their lying lips.

I shake my head in absolute disgust when they throw statistics that “support” their arguments; statistics that nobody can prove and that have been made up on the spot – here’s one: “Iraq could deploy weapons of mass destruction within 45 minutes” – no they couldn’t. Why? Because they don’t bloody well have any – they never did!

I cringe when I hear them bad-mouthing their opposition counterparts knowing that they are as guilty, if not more so, of the same things.

I yell in frustration when these people refuse to answer civil questions with a simple “yes” or “no”, choosing instead to subject us all to a complete pile of horse manure that is totally irrelevant to the question that has been asked.

I rant when I hear politicians distorting the facts and telling us outright lies, expecting us to believe them just because they are using ridiculous flowery language to disguise the true meaning of what they are saying.

I descend into an apopleptic rage when they preach about moral values when they are guilty of the most immoral and sometimes criminal activities.

I recoil in shock when they slap on a false deceitful smile to make themselves appear to be lovable, sincere and good human beings.

In recent years I have really struggled to cope with my irritation. In the UK we have three parties jostling for position to become our governors:

The Labour Party – led by bumbling Gordon Brown, our current Prime Minister, a man who has a smile that scares small children.

The Conservative Party – led by David Cameron, an old Etonian who comes out with crap like “Hug a Hoodie” because he is so out of touch.

The Liberal Democrats – led by the anonymous Nick Clegg. I would say something about him but I wouldn’t know him if I fell over him.

What a choice we have when our next general election comes next year. I can’t bring myself to vote for any of them, particularly given the disgusting shenanigans that have been going on recently regarding expenses.

In Britain we have more than our fair share of self-righteous pillocks but other countries suffer as well. Look at Italy with Berlusconi. I wouldn’t trust that man to look after my cats. And don’t get me started on the United States of America; one look at George W Bush lets me know that they too have the same problem.

I want to change the constitutions of most if not all countries in the world. As far as I am concerned, most politicians are power hungry liars who will do and say anything to cling onto powers. Most are hypocrites and deserve nothing but contempt.

I’ll finish on a lighter note. Here (again) are some more George W Bush gaffes (with a bizarre scene at the end containing some rhythmic British politicians):



Here in Britain, we have Prime Minister’s Question Time, when our beloved Prime Minister gets to answer tough questions. However, when he makes a gaffe, he is ridiculed mercilessly. Here is what happened when Gordon Brown claimed he had saved the world recently:



And finally, we have my favourite target of ridicule, the Mayor of London (HOW DID THAT HAPPEN????) Boris Johnson. This man is being touted by some as a future Prime Minister. Heaven help us:



And finally back to Gordon Brown who makes a fool of himself in front of the world once more:



"Obama Beach" - I love it! What a pillock!!