Fake News

Last week MPs in Britain decided to launch a parliamentary enquiry into something that has been disturbing them more than looking at their own faces in the mirror.

They are worried about what they describe as “the growing phenomenon of fake news”.

When I read this, I struggled to contain myself. After 2016 my soapbox is currently totally worn out and in hiding and I strive to be more positive and this news story almost made me break my resolution not to rant.

Almost!

And then I just laughed at the hypocrisy of it all.

MPs, known for their ability to tell lies at the drop of a hat, are complaining because somebody is actually outdoing them. The number of lies that these mutant power hungry liars told in 2016 is utterly breath-taking. The hypocrisy is so tangible I could shake its hand and take it out for a meal.

Are these MPs just being dumb or do they think that the general public is stupid too?

They portray themselves as paragons of virtue and yet their entire lives are spent fooling the general public by lying to themselves to get elected.

It makes me wonder whether any of them have actually read any tabloid newspapers like the Daily Mail or Daily Express which have basically been publishing fake news ever since I can remember. If they want to have an enquiry into fake news they should visit the offices of these two rags and listen in as their editors discuss the lies they are about to publish for the week ahead.

And then they should investigate their own house, including most of the speeches they make in parliament – or on programmes like Question Time where they hand out half-baked lies backed up by fake figures to an audience.

What they are really pissed off about is the fact that the general public are being swayed by other sources of lies apart from their own. Worse, some of them have even been caught out themselves, using fake news stories to reinforce their points only to discover that they have been led up the garden path themselves.

It’s all about gullibility and personally I love reading truly fake news – because it’s hilarious. Some of the stories out there are amazing.

Many years ago, a spoof newspaper arrived in the UK called “The Sunday Sport” and basically it publishes ridiculous stores in a similar way to the usual British press – but in this case they are clearly crazy.

Here are some example headlines:

“World War II Bomber Found On Moon”

“Statue of Elvis Found on Mars”

“Adolf Hitler Was A Woman”

“London Bus Found Buried At The South Pole”

There are lots more so-called stories but a lot of them these days are rather crude albeit still funny.

However, if you compare these obviously spoof stories with some of the supposedly genuine tabloid newspaper stories, sometimes it’s difficult to tell the difference. Headlines like:

“Freddy Starr Ate My Hamster”

“Boy, 4, Has The Mark Of The Devil”

“UFO Hits Wind Turbine”

To be honest, my feeling is that politicians should get their own house in order before targetting so-called fake news. For example, last year, I was beyond being outraged at some of the blatant lies we are hearing from the aftermath of Brexit and also those coming from the other side of the Atlantic as Donald Trump also waged war on those media outlets that are trying to tarnish his image.

Thankfully, I stopped reading newspapers years ago and some fake news sites are far more entertaining. I prefer to rely on news on the TV rather than the intended brainwashing by newspapers whose editors have their own agenda to influence world politics.

Of course, all of this will change when I become world president. I’m just biding my time until I find the right moment to strike.

Don’t laugh.

My time will come. I am younger than Theresa May and a lot younger than the oversized oompa loompa with mad hair currently residing in the White House so there is plenty of time for me to start my own propaganda machine.

In fact, I’ve set the machine in motion by contacting Mr Trump himself. He agrees with me and is preparing an executive order.

Similarly I have been in touch with Theresa May, the current Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and she is whole-heartedly behind me.

Now how’s that for news?

Guilty M'lud!

Whenever I return from a holiday or from a pastime that I enjoy, there is always a feeling of guilt deep down inside me that threatens to ruin the memories of the fun I have had.

It shouldn’t be this way, dear reader.

I blame politicians and control freaks
.
We need to stand up against this outrageous manipulation of our feelings as these people try to control us by pointing out the bad things in life.

Are you with me?

When I go on holiday it is like the steam valve on a pressure cooker has been released and the true me escapes into the world like dog let off a leash.

I eat too much, drink too much and sleep too much.

I spend my time either being lazy and relaxing or embracing new cultural experiences.

I make rude gestures at Mr Motivator, the corporate bastard who tries to dominate my life.

I ignore advice from governmental arseholes who think that they know what is best for me.

And when I set foot back in my own home, part of me feels guilty , even if I have only been away for seven days, because:

I have over-indulged on food that is going to make me fat and unhealthy.

I have drunk more beer than I should have with little regard for the consequences.

I have wasted part of the day because I went to bed at 1am, got up at 10am, having spent too much time sleeping and just lying in bed with a good book.

I have spent time on a sunbed reading or listening to music while watching the sea gently lap up onto a golden beach, when I could have (and in certain people’s eyes should have) been doing something productive.

All thoughts of work have been dispelled and I have dreamt about leaving and burning all of my bridges with Mr Motivator.

I have done exactly what I wanted.

The current guilt-laden culture of living really pisses me off. Why? Because ...

I am made to feel guilty because I have a full English breakfast on a Saturday morning. 

I am made to feel guilty because I choose to spend three hours binge-watching Sons of Anarchy instead of going outside to do something more active.

I am made to feel guilty because I want to go for a long walk at my own pace instead of killing myself to run a 10K race.

I am made to feel guilty because I leave work early to relax instead of choosing to stay behind for four hours listening to Mr Motivator’s bullshit.

I am made to feel guilty because I have an extra beer on a Friday night.

I am made to feel guilty because I sometimes want to some “me time”.

I am made to feel guilty for sleeping in at the weekend.

I am made to feel guilty not getting over-excited when I read the latest banal post on Facebook.

I am made to feel guilty because I choose to go to a rock concert instead of an opera.

I am made to feel guilty because I tell people why I do not like things.

I am made to feel guilty because I no longer send Christmas cards or Valentines cards. 

I am made to feel guilty for being happy.

I am made to feel guilty for swearing when I’m pissed off.

I am made to feel guilty for having fish and chips!

I am made to feel guilty about going on holiday.

I am made to feel guilty for not working hard enough by Mr Motivator and politicians who praise “hard-working families” without actually knowing how fucking hard people DO work.

I am made to feel guilty by refusing to give money to charities, even though I give money to other charities.

I am made to feel guilty for going out when the BBC hand over their entire Friday Night schedule to a charity telethon.

I am made to feel guilty for watching football. 

I am made to feel guilty about sneaking food into the cinema because the bastards try to rip me off with overpriced and oversized portions of crap.

I am made to feel guilty about having a big cream bun!

I am made to feel guilty for telling people “No”!

I am made to feel guilty for doing exactly what I want to do and not what other people want me to do to “fit in”.

I am made to feel guilty for playing video games at the age of 53.

I am made to feel guilty for spending my own money on things I want.

Well, dear reader, there are many reasons other things that people try to make me feel guilty about and to be brutally frank I’ve had enough!

I think I need to make a change and stick two fingers up to the establishment on certain occasion.

The fightback starts here!

I am NOT GUILTY M'lud!

Now PISS OFF and leave me alone!

Are you with me, dear reader?

Speak English!

Recently I have been struggling with the English language. Certain groups of people have taken it upon themselves to make me look like a fool by speaking a language that sounds like my mother tongue but in fact is far from it.

I have stared at these people, either in the flesh, or on my television set, as they abuse the language I have spoken all my life and, basically, speak meaningless nonsense, masquerading as English, in an attempt to make me look and feel like the dumbest person on the planet.

Don’t get me wrong; these people are using English words and constructing sentences and, strictly speaking, if you analysed their sentences you would find that they were in fact speaking English.

The problem is that their sentences make no sense at all.

They are talking bullshit!

For the past ten years or so, I have been paranoid, thinking that I am devolving and gradually turning into a total cretin. However, thinking about it, I have become aware that the language I speak fluently is being abused by certain groups of people like businessmen, politicians and youngsters who have taken my language and mutated it into a new and sometimes unintelligible load of gobbledygook.

The problem is that other people in the same group actually understand what is being said, so I have often found myself looking blankly at them as if they are speaking Russian. To them, I look like the village idiot and really, what I should be saying is “Speak English! You are making no sense whatsoever.”

I am not the only one. Other clever people have noticed this disturbing trend.

I’ve found myself in meetings and at presentations listening to people who use phrases that make no sense whatsoever.

For example, here is a sample presentation with the thoughts going through my head:

Presenter: Going forward, we have to make sure that we are all on the same page.

PM: Are we supposed to be reading a book?

Presenter: I’m sure you all realise that we have to address the elephant in the room.

PM: How rude! I’m not fat!

Presenter: The helicopter view is that we need to make maximum use of our greatest assets and some of those assets are here today. We need to leverage our potential and grab the low hanging fruit.

PM: What are you saying? Are you asking me to fly into the office in a chopper and pick fruit? I didn’t even know we had any apple trees.

Presenter: Nevertheless, we all need to touch base on this one.

PM: Baseball this afternoon anyone?

Presenter: To maximise our business and climb the strategic staircase, we must look under the bonnet. 

PM: I thought we all worked in retail, not an upstairs garage.

Presenter: And for that reason we need to downsize. We will be looking for some volunteers but from the rest of you, let’s put on a record and see who dances.

PM: Party time.

Presenter: Anyone who wants to discuss this can touch base with me offline.

    LATER

PM: What on earth were you talking about?

Presenter: You fired! Bye!

I’m not saying that such bullshit is spoken in my workplace, but I have noticed an alarming increase in such nonsense.

It’s not just business.  Politicians infuriate me with their bullshit or simply revert to gobbledygook in an attempt to cover their tracks with a string of nonsensical jargon. Either that or they repeat the same drivel ad nauseam. Everybody knows it yet they still do it – and worst of all – they get away with it.

Interviewer: Are you going to admit that you are wrong and that you lied to the House of Commons about the tax increases?

Politician: Let me refer you to my earlier statement. We, as a government, are totally committed to making sure that the working families of the United Kingdom are rewarded.

Interviewer: By paying more taxes?

Politician: The fiscal machinations of the governmental departments are designed, unequivocally and exclusively to promote the advantages of the diligence of our dedicated citizens who reap the rewards of full time employment. 

Interviewer: What does that even mean? You lied to the House, didn’t you? Working families will be much worse off.

Politician: The figures show that our policies have led to the most successful government in years, unlike the last government who were a disaster.

Interviewer: But …

Politician: Will you let me answer the question? My point is that we have increased spending in the NHS by 3% in this term.

Interviewer: What’s that got to do with you lying in the House?

At this point I would love the interviewer to throw down his microphone and slap the politician in the face with a large fish while screaming:

“JUST ANSWER THE PHHHAAAAARRKKKINNGG QUESTION AND STOP TALKING BULLSHIT!!!”

One thing that really annoys me about politicians trying to bamboozle us with inane rhetoric is that they basically think the rest of us are stupid. As they lie to our faces, refuse to answer questions or smile in the most insincere manner possible, they secretly believe that we are stupid enough to buy what they are saying.

Of course, there is the dim possibility that they are sticking to a prewritten script in order to save themselves from being caught out and forced to resign for actually baring their true soul to us.

Finally, we have the youth of today whose “urban” speak is like a foreign language. It comes from rap, I guess, but to me it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Thankfully, here is the very funny Doc Brown to give me a helping hand:

Mind you, I’m a bit of a hypocrite myself. I originally come from Walsall, a town near to Birmingham, in an area known as “The Black Country”, so-called because of the heavy industry there, pumping vast quantities of soot and smog into the atmosphere.

It is the area that gave us Judas Priest and, most famously, Ozzy Osborne and Black Sabbath, as well as Led Zeppelin.

I used to speak in Black Country slang as illustrated by this jolly little video.

Did you understand it?

How To Become a Politician

My last post talked about the general election that is looming in Great Britain, a period when all I want to do is avoid the world outside, lest I be bored into a coma by what is going on around me or ranting about the exploits and ideas of our politicians.

For a short time I actually considered what it would like to be a politician – when I say a short time I mean three nanoseconds.

And then I started thinking about the personality traits that would be required to actually become a successful politician. So I did a little research and discovered a very scary fact:

Politicians are psychopaths.

Actually that isn’t absolutely true, but politicians do share some of the personality traits of psychopaths and serial killers.

If you think about it, it really does make a weird kind of sense (and I am very interested in anything weird even if it doesn’t make any sense at all).

Psychopaths have a need to control others and will use various methods to achieve their goals: charm, intimidation, manipulation, threats, lies and violence.

I am not saying for a second that politicians will resort to violence to get what they want, although some have been known to do that. However, they will appear smarmy and their speeches will be full of lies and outrageous claims that are meant to convince the electorate that they are indeed the people to lead and control the populace.

Some people, who are drawn into the world of politics, are enthralled by the thought of power and the need to be in control of people. And they will use any means at their disposal to get what they want, faking emotions in order to convince people that they are sincere and genuine.

So how do you become a politician?

First, try becoming a liar.

Everybody tells lies, even me (mostly in blog posts to be fair). It’s not that difficult. However, what is difficult is hiding the body language that screams “I AM TELLING YOU A PACK OF LIES!”

Here are some things you can try on your own in the comfort of your own bedroom. Strip naked and stand in front of a mirror and watch your reflection as you tell the most outrageous lies to yourself. You can try:

“I am the best looking man in the entire world and all women love me.”

Actually, be careful with this one because I’ve tried it and simply couldn’t stop laughing. And Mrs PM caught me too and wondered why I was standing naked in front of a mirror trying to convince myself that I was a babe magnet while howling with raucous laughter. It did give me a chance to try lying to her – but she spotted my “lying voice”.

Apparently when I tell lies, Mrs PM can tell because the tone of my voice changes and my facial expression changes too, thus giving away the fact that I am a total liar. See what I mean about body language? I wear my heart on my sleeve so there is no way I can tell blatant lies or hide the fact that I find something outrageous. If I really wanted to become a politician, I would have to go on a major “How To Lie” course – I simply cannot tell a lie without giving the game away before I have even uttered the words.

Anyway, if, unlike me, you manage to keep a straight face while standing in front of a mirror convincing yourself that you are an Adonis and not a decrepit, podgy old git with a face like melted cheese, then you can try the next step – lying to other people.

Walk up to a complete stranger in the street and say something outrageous like:

“I’ve just heard that Britain is about to become the 51st State; President Obama is coming over for talks with Gordon Brown about the handover of sovereignty. We need to do something about this. Are you with me?”

There are stupid people around so you may be lucky and find somebody who actually believes you. If you do, then build on it, hone the lie and then try it on everybody else.

If you can master the lie then you need to work on becoming a smarmy git. Try a little sycophancy. Walk up to complete strangers and complement them; pay particular attention to ugly people like me (note – do not try me because I am a politician-hating anarchist who trusts nobody and sees deceit and lies in everything).

If you spot an ugly woman, walk up to her and say

“May I just say that your beauty is radiant that it has brightened up this dismal, overcast, rainy day. May I ask your secret? How do you manage to look like a gorgeous English rose on a depressing day like today? You have made my day; it is rare to see such beauty these days”

I have tried this but the combination of my lying voice, lying face, lack of charm and total look of crazy desperation usually betray me and I end up with a swift kick in the groin and a warning not to “try to chat me up” in future.

A word of warning: you may suffer this fate – but I am sure that if you are charming and do not look like the back end of a baboon you will have more success than me.

Next, you have to try kissing babies. Be aware that you might get beaten senseless by an irate mother. With that in mind I would try holding and kissing a baby that you know. I recently watched David Cameron clutching a baby in a hospital while on the campaign trail and he was a master.

The next trick is to come up with a catchphrase or slogan for yourself. For example:

“The lady’s not for turning.” – Margaret Thatcher

“Yes we can.” – Barak Obama

“I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, sweat and tears” – Winston Churchill.

“Read my lips: no new taxes” – George Bush Sr


One of the key things you have to do is pledge allegiance to a political party – at least publicly – and then use every opportunity to shout down the ideas, principles and manifesto pledges of all of your opponents – even if you agree with them. I suppose this is another form of lying, so mastering the art of fibbing is a natural prerequisite.

Next, try making a few outrageous claims, like Gordon Brown did when he foolishly said “I saved the world” in the Houses of Parliament. I would suggest that such a statement would possibly be a little TOO outrageous; perhaps opt for something that all politicians love to do – quote figures. I cannot believe for a second that politicians can keep a database full of numbers and percentages in their brains. I am therefore of the opinion that they all simply make it all up, that is, it is another fabulous form of lying.

Insults are another good way to get the better of your political nemeses, the funnier the better - for example:

[Being attacked by Geoffrey Howe is like] “being savaged by a dead sheep” – Dennis Healey.

“If Gladstone fell into the Thames, that would be a misfortune. If anybody pulled him out, that, I suppose would be a calamity.” – Benjamin Disraeli about William Gladstone.

[Clement Attlee is] “a sheep in sheep’s clothing” – Winston Churchill.

“Attila the Hen” – Clement Freud describing Margaret Thatcher.

“He has not a single redeeming defect” Benjamin Disraeli on William Gladstone.

“She probably thinks Sinai is the plural of sinus” Jonathan Aitken on Margaret Thatcher.

Another key skill of a politician is the ability to not answer a question. If you watch political interviews, you will see this happen all of the time. When asked a question, most politicians will simply answer another question or, in most cases, ignore the question completely and then use the opportunity to tell a fabulous lie about themselves or their policies or simply insult and put down their political opponents. To me this particular skill is mandatory.

You can practice this. When asked the simple question “How much did you spend?” simply answer another question and throw in a few meaningless and false facts and figures. For example:

“How much did you spend?”

“Going to the shops is a privilege that I, for one, will never relinquish and never ever take away from the normal man in the street. Did you know, for example, that 53% of men are so concerned about the prospect of not being allowed to venture into the city to enjoy this fabulous pastime without having to justify themselves. Our opponents want to remove this right by demanding that 35% of men stay outside the shop. If that is allowed to happen then 23,453 men will stay at home and watch TV, become fat and end up putting a burden on our health service. That’s what our opponents fail to see.”

“With all due respect you are not answering the question. How much did you spend?”

“I am answering the question and, if you will allow me to finish, you see that my explanation answers your question perfectly. You see, shopping is our right and my party wants all men to able to go down to the shops whenever they like and not be concerned about bureaucracy and red tape making their life difficult. Life is hard enough as it is and the hard working man must be able to exercise his freedom. Britain needs freedom and it is the interminable right of every British man to go to the shops. I will not allow it to change; it will be an insult to the ordinary working British man who makes this wonderful country what it is today. It is my right, it is your right and, by God, I will make sure that this right remains.”

“Answer the bloody question – HOW MUCH DID YOU SPEND??????”

And on it will go. Of course, if you read carefully, you can see two new abilities that you need to become a politician.

First, the ability to bullshit; i.e. talk utter nonsense while pretending to make perfect sense. Politicians are masters at this.

Second, you need to be patriotic. Mention Britain a lot (or whatever country you live in) and make believe that your political opponents want to take away your rights as a citizen of your country. American politicians are particularly good at this.

The final and possibly most important trait of a politician is egotism; you must absolutely love yourself, believe in yourself and believe that everybody on the entire planet should love you. You must be totally self-centred and not worry about offending anybody who disagrees with your self-love. The only problem is that you must somehow disguise this egotism with a cloud of deceit, which means that you must lower yourself to mix with the lower classes, smile at them, touch then, hug them, even possibly kiss them. You must befriend these people and make them believe that you are some kind of saviour and that, without you, the world will end.

Sadly, for me at least, no politician has ever come close to achieving this last requirement and most if not all of them reveal their inner selves as sure as those lizards did in the science fiction series “V”.

I am not saying that politicians are lizards (although somebody like David Icke might disagree with me); I am simply saying that I do not trust them – any of them.

And it is this untrustworthiness that makes it impossible for me ever to become a politician. I cannot lie without giving the game away; I wear my heart on my sleeve; I have the charisma of a slug; people mistake me for Mr Hyde; I am totally unable to bullshit

I also like people and can answer questions.

That is probably why I will never be British Prime Minister.

People Who Annoy Me (Part One) - Politicians

I hate politics; politicians annoy me immensely.

I heard a quote that summed up what I think about politicians:

“You can tell when a politician is lying – he is talking!”

You would have thought that the people who govern us are worthy to fulfil such an important role in life. I’m sure that there are politicians who are deeply sincere and are in politics for all the right reasons. Unfortunately you don’t normally see these gems because they are usually working in the background; the politicians we are exposed to on the media and in the newspapers are the ones who irritate me most.

I watch the news and see interviews with these people and I am flabbergasted that they have the front to even open their mouths, such is the crap that pours forth from their lying lips.

I shake my head in absolute disgust when they throw statistics that “support” their arguments; statistics that nobody can prove and that have been made up on the spot – here’s one: “Iraq could deploy weapons of mass destruction within 45 minutes” – no they couldn’t. Why? Because they don’t bloody well have any – they never did!

I cringe when I hear them bad-mouthing their opposition counterparts knowing that they are as guilty, if not more so, of the same things.

I yell in frustration when these people refuse to answer civil questions with a simple “yes” or “no”, choosing instead to subject us all to a complete pile of horse manure that is totally irrelevant to the question that has been asked.

I rant when I hear politicians distorting the facts and telling us outright lies, expecting us to believe them just because they are using ridiculous flowery language to disguise the true meaning of what they are saying.

I descend into an apopleptic rage when they preach about moral values when they are guilty of the most immoral and sometimes criminal activities.

I recoil in shock when they slap on a false deceitful smile to make themselves appear to be lovable, sincere and good human beings.

In recent years I have really struggled to cope with my irritation. In the UK we have three parties jostling for position to become our governors:

The Labour Party – led by bumbling Gordon Brown, our current Prime Minister, a man who has a smile that scares small children.

The Conservative Party – led by David Cameron, an old Etonian who comes out with crap like “Hug a Hoodie” because he is so out of touch.

The Liberal Democrats – led by the anonymous Nick Clegg. I would say something about him but I wouldn’t know him if I fell over him.

What a choice we have when our next general election comes next year. I can’t bring myself to vote for any of them, particularly given the disgusting shenanigans that have been going on recently regarding expenses.

In Britain we have more than our fair share of self-righteous pillocks but other countries suffer as well. Look at Italy with Berlusconi. I wouldn’t trust that man to look after my cats. And don’t get me started on the United States of America; one look at George W Bush lets me know that they too have the same problem.

I want to change the constitutions of most if not all countries in the world. As far as I am concerned, most politicians are power hungry liars who will do and say anything to cling onto powers. Most are hypocrites and deserve nothing but contempt.

I’ll finish on a lighter note. Here (again) are some more George W Bush gaffes (with a bizarre scene at the end containing some rhythmic British politicians):



Here in Britain, we have Prime Minister’s Question Time, when our beloved Prime Minister gets to answer tough questions. However, when he makes a gaffe, he is ridiculed mercilessly. Here is what happened when Gordon Brown claimed he had saved the world recently:



And finally, we have my favourite target of ridicule, the Mayor of London (HOW DID THAT HAPPEN????) Boris Johnson. This man is being touted by some as a future Prime Minister. Heaven help us:



And finally back to Gordon Brown who makes a fool of himself in front of the world once more:



"Obama Beach" - I love it! What a pillock!!