Room 101 (Part 4)

As I get older, I am generally getting happier but when something really pushes my buttons, I feel the need to rant and these are becoming more frequent, despite my attempts to be more positive.

So I thought I would do something cathartic and liberate myself of more reasons to rant by popping ten more things into Room 101 so my nightmares can be inflicted on somebody else.

Here goes:

People who do not flush the toilet.

I expect toilets to be pristine when I use them. Sometimes it’s too much to ask for total cleanliness and I can tolerate some minor misdemeanours. But when I enter a cubicle in a public toilet and see a vision of Hell itself because the previous occupant has selfishly left it in such a state that Satan himself would howl in anguish, then I simply cannot forgive them. 

Worse, if the toilet lid is down and I have locked the door before lifting the lid then I am trapped in there. I can’t leave because if there is somebody waiting then that person will think I am responsible for the filthy mess.

January

Of all the months in winter, January is the worst. I can cope with December because Christmas is just around the corner and we get to have a party and time off work. February is bearable because the days are getting longer and the weather generally improving. 

However, January – all 31 days of it – is a wretched month with short, cold days and long dark freezing cold nights. Moreover, after the highs of Christmas we are all brought crashing down to earth in a month that is full of people preaching about how they are going to lose weight and go alcohol free. 

I’ve heard of people now detoxing by becoming vegan for the month and renaming it Veganuary. The month is so fucking awful that I totally need to drink and eat bad food to get through it.

Workaholics

When it comes to work, I am very professional and my aim is always to get the job done. At the same time, I want to enjoy a decent work/life balance and not let my job dominate my entire life. 

There are people around who sadly seem to be driven by something else and in order to achieve their goals do not mind working silly hours. Some people are worse than this and expect everybody else to be as dedicated to work as they are. 

Such people look down on others because they want to see their families and not work until 8 pm every night. 

Personally, I think that you need rest to perform. When I arrive at work at around 7:30 am, my mind is at its most incisive and I am much more productive. As the  days passes, my mind becomes less sharp and I become less productive. It is the same for most people. When I leave at around 4 to 4:30 I am ready to get the rest I need. If I carry on working,I don’t achieve much. 

So when Mr Workaholic urges me to stay until 8 pm I only have two words for him: “Room 101”.

The Daily Mail and The Daily Express

Of all the terrible tabloids in the UK, these two rags are the worst.

In my opinion they are purveyors of hate-filled right wing fake news and unproven scaremongery.

Don’t get me wrong, there are respectable right-wing papers out there that put a different slant on the news that is actually worth reading.

But not these two. Their headlines encourage the politics of hate – when it suits them. Some of their headlines and stories are scandalous. At the moment it seems that the only people who read these rags are the older generation and I can thankfully see a time in the future when newspapers like this start to fade from our lives.

I probably won’t be around to see that day but in the meantime if putting these two into Room 101 helps then I am delighted to do that.

Jamie Oliver

I really do not like TV chefs but Jamie Oliver is the worst of them all.
Not content with his awful accent and his use of words like “pukka” he has also tried to use his “celebrity” to suggest stupid things. Once he suggested that women should deny sex to the men in their lives unless they start cooking.

Who does he think he is?

 Before you accuse me of anything, I have to tell you that I do cook – and not because I have been blackmailed by Mrs PM because of Jamie Oliver. His TV shows and appearances make me want to rant mercilessly. I refuse to go his restaurant in Manchester, unimaginatively  called “Jamie’s Italian”. Mrs PM even has one of his recipe books and when it is out on the kitchen table with his smug grinning face leering at me as I pass, I turn it over in disgust. I would throw it away but Mrs PM would be upset.

And finally...

That will do for now.

I will almost certainly be ready to consign more annoyances into Room 101 soon.

Certain things are living on borrowed time.

Do you agree with my choices?

OUTRAGE!!

Daily Mail readers are outraged – again.

Usually the target of their wrath are “looney lefties”, immigrants and people who voted Remain in the EU referendum.

This time, however, they have a new target – the BBC.

Are they angry because of media bias against their beloved Conservative Party? No. They are angry over the choice of an actor in a well-loved BBC drama.

The have chosen a woman to play the part of Dr Who.

Oh my GOD!! How could they?

Here are some of the comments that have surfaced from the politically incorrect, right-wing morons who read the Daily Mail –and the equally obnoxious newspaper, The Sun:

“Nobody wants a TARDIS full of bras!”

“If they made a separate series about a female time lord no one would watch it. Just as no one would watch a women-only tennis tournament. Women have to ride on men's coat-tails and if necessary hijack the concept in order to get noticed. This just one of the reasons why there will never be equality. Women generally don't have the initiative nor the willingness to take risks.”

“The BBC are trying to brainwash your children.”

“She'll get a second series where she'll get written out of story to make room for male Doctor. By this time the real Who fans would've stopped watching and can't be bothered due the writers bowing to feminism and the PC brigade. Not [only] have BBC shot themselves in the foot, they'll certainly lose money on the merchandising. What wants to dress up as a woman? What a waste of a regeneration!!”

“The reason the Doctor can't be female is simple, she'd only be of any use protecting mankind from the evils of the universe for three weeks out of four.”

“Knock, Knock....whose there? Dr......Dr Who? Yes,...I've lost mi key in mi handbag....let us in chuck!.”

“Time travel is for men – and men only”

“I'll stop watching now but a tip for the BBC. You're not being PC enough yet. She not an ethnic minority, lesbian, asylum seeker and didn't vote Remain.”

“Political correctness should not exist in space”

“They should rename the show “Nurse Who””

From a personal perspective, I was a little surprised but I welcome the decision. Jodie Whittaker, the new Doctor, is a great actress. Mrs PM loved her in a programme called Broadchurch.

As well as having moronic misogynistic readers, some of the right wing tabloids have decided to introduce Jodie Whittaker to those who don’t know of her by showing naked stills of her from other TV programmes.

"Here’s Jodie Whittaker – a decent actress. We don’t want to talk to her about her new role – we will just show dirty pictures of her having sex in another steamy TV programme."

All of this shows how crap the United Kingdom is becoming. This misogynistic, politically incorrect undercurrent has been bubbling under for quite a few years now but rags like the Daily Mail, Daily Express and The Sun have been championing these narrow minded views, peddling hatred and obnoxious views. Their voices are getting louder now and I am disturbed by this.

People who read the Daily Mail and Daily Express take every word as gospel – even the outrageous lies that they publish. No wonder we are drifting slowly into oblivion.

Mrs PM’s mother reads the Daily Express religiously and when I visit, I sit there on her sofa ranting like a madman as I read it. I do so out of curiosity and to gain an insight into how these people think but within minutes I am almost overcome by a psychotic urge to set fire to the bloody thing in rage.

One day I may actually ask Mrs PM to video me while I am reading it. You will laugh your heads off – I promise – and I won’t be acting for the camera.

Anyway – to conclude – Dr Who is a shape-shifting alien being, owned by the BBC and, most importantly, is a work of fiction.

The BBC can do what they hell they like with the character.

I welcome Jodie Whittaker and I hope she is an amazing Dr Who.

And here’s a message for outraged Daily Mail readers and the authors of the comments above.

“Get a fucking life!”

The Weapon

There is a song I by Rush called The Weapon and some of the lyrics are particularly relevant:

“And the things that we fear are a weapon to be held against us”

The media thrive on it and also use it to make us (a) buy their paper (because they claim to tell us how it is) and (b) force their political agenda on to us.

Here are some headlines related to Brexit that came from The Daily Express - one of the worst papers on the entire planet:

“New EU Rules Wreck Pensions”

“Each Illegal Immigrant To Cost Us £1million”

“Britain 40% Surge In Ethnic Numbers”

“No Job Unless You’re Polish”

All of these headlines are meant to scare gullible people and persuade them to alter their thinking.

I don’t believe a single word of them. And if you read closely they are written by people with a deep political agenda. Of course, the same is true on the other side of the political spectrum too.

Moreover, fear is used as a means to sell us things that we don’t necessarily need. Salesmen use it all the time. Let me give you an example.

The first property I bought was a brand new three bedroomed semi-detached house that was just a lump of dirt when we actually reserved it from the house building company. We were so proud when we eventually moved in to this brand new estate with similar young people. I was 24 years old.

And then the vultures appeared.

We were swamped by door to door salesmen trying to acquire what little money we had left. One in particular sticks in my mind.

He arrived at 8pm and tried to sell us a burglar alarm. We stupidly let him in and allowed him to demonstrate his device to us. After an hour of his high pressure sales pitch he offered us a piece of paper to confirm the purchase.

“It’s too expensive,” I said. “We’re not interested.”

He was one of those middle-aged salesmen who refuse to take no for an answer. At first he offered us a package where we could pay in monthly instalments and when we refused that, he offered us a deal.

“I can get you 10% off the asking price,” he told us. “My boss will have my guts for garters but I’ll do it for you.”

“What part of “NO!” do you not understand?” said my (ex) wife.

 He tried another tactic.

“Do you care about your family?” he asked me.

I was taken aback by this.

“Of course I do,” I replied.

“It doesn’t seem that way,” he replied. “If your wife came back and surprised a burglar, who knows what could happen? With this alarm, that will never happen because no burglar will get past you front door.”

I didn’t like this one little bit.

“Get out,” I said, now quite angry. “I’m not interested.”

That didn’t deter him. He then started talking about another scenario where my brand new house could be wrecked, my wife injured and my property destroyed.

He was trying to scare us both into giving him money so that our house would be protected. My ex-wife was also not taken in by this. She actually got up, opened the front door and said “Please leave!”

“Are you sure?” he asked me again.

“Yes,” she said, answering for me. “Now go before I call the police.”

She gave him a taste of his own medicine because he said “No need to be like that!” before leaving.

It taught me a lesson about dealing with salesmen, particularly those high pressure types who squat in your house until you sign the bit of paper just to get rid of them.

If you think about it, there are certain companies that use fear to con you into buying things you don’t need. As well as the home security example above, we have things like:

Products that make you look younger. Obviously there are a plethora of anti-ageing products for women that will get rid of those wrinkles but for men we have hair-dye that miraculously turns a decrepit grey-haired old man into an Adonis who has to beat off women with a shitty stick. Like this load of old bollocks:

Products that stop you catching a disease. We all know that if you catch a bad cold, you may need to take a day off work. But certain adverts imply that without their flu remedy you will have to take days off work and probably be sacked as a result. As a hypochondriac, I feel particularly vulnerable when it comes to disease prevention. These bastards are targetting me.

The media. Yes, I know. I feel that I am constantly moaning about the newspaper companies using lies and sensationalist headlines to make us buy their newspapers and even influencing the way people think as I mentioned above. I am certain that they invent stories to scare people and when you actually get down to the nitty gritty of them, there is no substance.

Insurance companies. Mrs PM and I were conned into buying pet insurance for our cats. And then, when I thought about it, and did all the maths, I realised that that I would only save money if the cats became very ill once a year and had to be dragged clawing and screaming to the vet. I am glad that I cancelled it because Jasper and Poppy are now fifteen years old and I shudder when I think about how much pet insurance would have cost in the meantime. There are some insurance policies that you need, for example home and car insurance (but even then home insurance is preying on your fears of being burgled). But do people really need to insure their body parts, for example?

Jennifer Lopez and Kylie Minogue have supposedly insured their arses; Julia Roberts has insured her teeth; Mariah Carey has insured her legs; Dolly Parton and Madonna have insured their boobs; Keith Richards has insured his hands.

I wonder what body part I should insure? Actually, there are no bits of my body worth insuring. At my age, most of it is defunct and drooping now anyway.

Fake News

Last week MPs in Britain decided to launch a parliamentary enquiry into something that has been disturbing them more than looking at their own faces in the mirror.

They are worried about what they describe as “the growing phenomenon of fake news”.

When I read this, I struggled to contain myself. After 2016 my soapbox is currently totally worn out and in hiding and I strive to be more positive and this news story almost made me break my resolution not to rant.

Almost!

And then I just laughed at the hypocrisy of it all.

MPs, known for their ability to tell lies at the drop of a hat, are complaining because somebody is actually outdoing them. The number of lies that these mutant power hungry liars told in 2016 is utterly breath-taking. The hypocrisy is so tangible I could shake its hand and take it out for a meal.

Are these MPs just being dumb or do they think that the general public is stupid too?

They portray themselves as paragons of virtue and yet their entire lives are spent fooling the general public by lying to themselves to get elected.

It makes me wonder whether any of them have actually read any tabloid newspapers like the Daily Mail or Daily Express which have basically been publishing fake news ever since I can remember. If they want to have an enquiry into fake news they should visit the offices of these two rags and listen in as their editors discuss the lies they are about to publish for the week ahead.

And then they should investigate their own house, including most of the speeches they make in parliament – or on programmes like Question Time where they hand out half-baked lies backed up by fake figures to an audience.

What they are really pissed off about is the fact that the general public are being swayed by other sources of lies apart from their own. Worse, some of them have even been caught out themselves, using fake news stories to reinforce their points only to discover that they have been led up the garden path themselves.

It’s all about gullibility and personally I love reading truly fake news – because it’s hilarious. Some of the stories out there are amazing.

Many years ago, a spoof newspaper arrived in the UK called “The Sunday Sport” and basically it publishes ridiculous stores in a similar way to the usual British press – but in this case they are clearly crazy.

Here are some example headlines:

“World War II Bomber Found On Moon”

“Statue of Elvis Found on Mars”

“Adolf Hitler Was A Woman”

“London Bus Found Buried At The South Pole”

There are lots more so-called stories but a lot of them these days are rather crude albeit still funny.

However, if you compare these obviously spoof stories with some of the supposedly genuine tabloid newspaper stories, sometimes it’s difficult to tell the difference. Headlines like:

“Freddy Starr Ate My Hamster”

“Boy, 4, Has The Mark Of The Devil”

“UFO Hits Wind Turbine”

To be honest, my feeling is that politicians should get their own house in order before targetting so-called fake news. For example, last year, I was beyond being outraged at some of the blatant lies we are hearing from the aftermath of Brexit and also those coming from the other side of the Atlantic as Donald Trump also waged war on those media outlets that are trying to tarnish his image.

Thankfully, I stopped reading newspapers years ago and some fake news sites are far more entertaining. I prefer to rely on news on the TV rather than the intended brainwashing by newspapers whose editors have their own agenda to influence world politics.

Of course, all of this will change when I become world president. I’m just biding my time until I find the right moment to strike.

Don’t laugh.

My time will come. I am younger than Theresa May and a lot younger than the oversized oompa loompa with mad hair currently residing in the White House so there is plenty of time for me to start my own propaganda machine.

In fact, I’ve set the machine in motion by contacting Mr Trump himself. He agrees with me and is preparing an executive order.

Similarly I have been in touch with Theresa May, the current Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and she is whole-heartedly behind me.

Now how’s that for news?

The Janus Men

There’s been a bit of a furore recently in the UK in the aftermath of the election of the new leader of the Labour Party, the current opposition party.

The new leader is a guy called Jeremy Corbyn, a man whose views are generally a little controversial. The right wing press have had the knives out ever since he put his name forward but, in my opinion have stooped to new depths.

The latest slur against Corbyn is that he was caught doing something absolutely despicable. As controversial as his views are, he has apparently committed a most evil crime against the country, an act bordering on being treasonous that has offended not only the establishment but the veterans of two World Wars and the Queen herself.

Evidently, he can stoop no lower.

So what is this hideous evil thing he has done?

I swear I am not making this up.

HE WAS CAUGHT NOT SINGING OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM!

Here are some of the headlines:

“Corb snubs the Queen” The Sun

“Corbyn snubs Queen and country” The Telegraph

“Shameful: Corbyn refuses to sing national anthem” Daily Express

“Fury as Corbyn refuses to sing national anthem at Battle of Britain memorial” – Daily Mail

“Corby a zero: Leftie refuses to sing national anthem” – Daily Star

This was front page news despite all of the other tragedy that is going on in the world.

Now I don’t really care what your political views are but this story is typical of the kind of shit that makes headlines in our country. I am convinced that we are becoming a nation of idiots who ignore the real tragedies in our own country and the rest of the world in favour of this misguided madness that fuels the fire of absurdity in the United Kingdom.

My views are summed up in this image:

Let me tell you some things about our national anthem.

It’s called God Save the Queen and it is one of the most boring anthems in the world.

It has six verses and of those people who know the words, only a handful actually know all of them.

The people of Scotland hate the anthem because, nestled away in verse six, are the words:

“May he sedition hush and like a torrent rush rebellious Scots to crush”

Here is the anthem:

I do hope you didn't fall into a coma listening to it.

If you are not religious and not a royalist then the song is meaningless to you.

I’ve been to England football matches and traditionally they play the national anthems of the teams involved. I don’t sing it and to be honest a lot of other people don’t either.

At the last cricket match I went to see involving England, they played Jerusalem:

Another candidate that other people have suggested be the anthem is Land of Hope and Glory:

I would probably sing both of those. because they are better than God Save the Queen, more upbeat and joyous. We want a bit of pomp when the anthem rings out and we want to sing about the country’s good points, not a dreary dirge about whoever the current monarch is.

I have nothing against royalty but I largely ignore them. I’ve said before on this blog that they serve a vague purpose but I have no desire to actually prostrate myself in front of Queen Elizabeth as if she really were a better person than me. I would sit and have a chat with her about her life but I would refuse to cave in to the expected social etiquette.

We don’t live in the times of Henry VIII.

For these reasons, I can understand why people are embarrassed to sing the anthem or simply refuse to do so.

Don’t get me wrong; I love my country but there are more important things to consider other than a politician being caught with his mouth closed when he should have been bellowing the words to an outdated song about the monarchy.

Sadly, he has caved in to pressure and will sing the anthem next time he has to in public, just to please a bunch of fawning royalists.

I mean, I thought that our country was free and you should be allowed to live your life as you please without having to fit in with outraged little Englanders.

What annoys me most about this is that the newspapers are claiming the moral high ground about this. It seems to have been forgotten that journalists who work for these papers have been guilty of attacking the royal family in the past. Do they think that we have forgotten about a certain newspaper hacking the voicemail of Prince Charles, the heir to the throne?

The hypocrisy is breath-taking.

What worries me most is that I am surrounded by people who believe absolutely everything they read in the newspapers and their views are moulded by the garbage that they read. There will be people who will never ever consider voting for Jeremy Corbyn because of these pathetic headlines.

The most disturbing hypocrisy has been the refugee crisis where certain newspapers have made a sudden about turn, showing themselves as total hypocrites.

Look at these contrasting headlines in The Sun and the Daily Mail:

Such two-facedness makes me sick.

I’ll end on a lighter note. Here is what Billy Connolly thinks should replace the national anthem:

I think I agree – as long as I can write the new lyrics.

That’s a subject for another post.

Tabloid Newspapers Are Rubbish

Tabloid newspapers are one of my favourite topics to rant about for many reasons, the main one being that they do not contain any real news.

How can a tabloid newspaper actually call itself a newspaper if it doesn't actually contain any real news? The editors of these rags claim that they really do.

I disagree and that makes the following statement absolutely true:

Tabloid newspapers are rubbish.

In the UK we have a few of these tabloids who seem to focus more and more on the cult of celebrity with virtually nothing about what is really happening in the world today – unless it is something of ground shattering importance like a war breaking out.

There are many reasons I really do not want to be famous but chief among them is the fear I have of having my face splashed all over the tabloids because I had an argument with a man in a pub or because a sick minded member of the paparazzi felt a desperate urge to follow me to the Caribbean just so that he could take long distance photos of my arse as I changed into my swim trunks for a dip in the ocean, or worse, my man boobs.

Can you imagine the headline?

Fat Mancunian shows the world his pimply arse.

The problem is that I simply wouldn’t want the world to see my arse. I wouldn’t inflict that sight on anybody. And this would be the prime reason for hiding away on a reclusive beach in Barbados miles away from anybody – except that dickhead with the zoom lens of course.

I realise that some people buy these rags because they enjoy the witty puns and comedic stories about people nobody cares about. The saddest thing of all, to me at least, is the fact that there are thousands of thick people who actually believe what they read in these.

What surprises me more is the fact that these people can actually read in the first place.

Do people want to know that a famous golfer might split up with his girlfriend? Are they really interested in a picture of a Premiership footballer’s wife wearing torn denim hot pants and a very revealing bikini? Does anybody care that Prince Harry might pop to Glastonbury or that David Bowie’s new outfit makes him look like an old man (hardly surprising really since he genuinely is 66 years old)?

Personally I don’t give a shit about any of these stories and seeing a news headline about a female celebrity having a nervous breakdown because of her cellulite is not going to make me hand over my hard earned cash to the publishers so that they can spend it on yet more sordid photos of other celebrities getting their kits off on a beach somewhere.

How these rags can claim that they are “number one for news” is beyond me because they simply do not contain any news of note.

What’s worse is that sometimes the so-called news they write about is in fact totally false or simply speculation that is written in such a way that gullible readers actually believe it.

How can they get away with it?

Imagine again, if I were famous and went to a restaurant for a coffee with an old female friend.

The headline might read:

You Dirty Rat: Love rat Plastic Mancunian romances blonde beauty in high class London night spot

Plastic Mancunian, the world famous blogger who loves to call readers of this newspaper “thick arses”, has been spotted wining and dining a mysterious blonde beauty in Coffers restaurant, leading to speculation that his fifteen year relationship with Mrs PM is on the rocks. Meals at Coffers cost as much as £250 and Plastic Mancunian wasted no time in spending a fortune on the new woman in his life. Friends and acquaintances fear the worst having seen our exclusive pictures of the dirty low down scheming womanizer kissing her on the cheek with a gentle hug.

And this is why such rags are utter rubbish.

How they manage to get away with it is beyond me. If I had the power, I would ban them all.

They are the reason why people seem to be obsessed with trashy television, trashy music and trashy celebrities some of whom are simply famous for being famous and nothing more.

I feel sorry for genuine people whose names are dragged through these tabloids in sensationalised stories based on photographs taken by paparazzi, stooping to new depths to get that exclusive long range shot of cellulite on the arse of an actress as she sunbathes with her husband on a yacht in the Bahamas.

Don’t just take my word for it. Judge for yourself. Here are today’s headlines from some of the British press:

From The Guardian – a real newspaper:

NSA spying claims threaten key EU-US trade pact.

General Practitioners told to charge non-Britons for NHS services.

Cameron and army divided over Afghanistan role after 2014.

From The Telegraph – another real newspaper:

EU demands explanation over US spying claim.

David Cameron: Pakistan must act tough on extremists.

Police launch manhunt after brutal slaying of mother of two.

Now these from The Sun – a tabloid:

Dog tired: Kim snapped for first time since having her baby – and she’s asleep.

([Ed]-The Kim in question is Kim Kardashian apparently)

Everton star in sex texting pics shame 

([Ed] – Another footballer who few people care about)

Apprentice girl ex was pimp

([Ed] One of the contestants on this year's series of The Apprentice)

And another tabloid – The Mirror:

Cheryl Cole turns 30! Style disasters and glamour in pics.
([Ed] Why are people obsessed with Cheryl Cole?)

Andy Carroll lets hair down in Las Vegas night club
([Ed] Yet another Premiership footballer).

Prince Harry parties till 4am at Glastonbury after rocking out to Rolling Stones.
([Ed] So what?)

See what I mean?

What annoys me further (and yes there really is more) are the names that these tabloids have invented for people.

For example, Wayne Rooney, the Manchester United footballer, has become ROO so that the writers can concoct hilarious headlines with a maximum cringe factor such as:

What a Heroo!

I only have eyes for Roo.

We’re Throo!

Some of the headlines can be quite clever (although I still cringe and struggle to stop myself throwing up briefly in my mouth) – like this one from The Sun:

How do you solve a problem like Korea?

Gord help us now.
([Ed]- When Gordon Brown became Prime Minister).

And this one when a small Scottish football team called Inverness Caledonian Thistle (known as Cally) beat the best team in Scotland – Celtic:

Super Cally go ballistic, Celtic are atrocious
([Ed] For all his ranting – PM actually smiled at that one)

Finally, for your enjoyment after having read my ranting post, here are a few clever puns (not from newspapers) that may make you smile:

I know a guy addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

I’m reading a book about anti gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

And then there was the cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.

I used to be addicted to soap but I’m clean now.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.

Yes – I know some of them are terrible.

And I apologise.