Unanswered Questions

When I think about things seriously, I mean really start to think, my brain begins to hurt with pain and despair at the state of the human race.

That’s why I try not to think too deeply.

Well – apart from yesterday when something prompted me to rant again.

When I rant, my addled brain spits forth questions about the unfairness and stupidity of life. And these are questions that I simply cannot answer.  Here are some examples.

Why would anybody pay £220,000 for a bottle of brandy? 

Yes – that’s right. A restaurant/bar in Manchester has one for sale.

Why would anybody pay £1600 for a six litre bottle of vodka with a light at the bottom of it?

I asked the barman who jokingly gave us two glasses and pretended he was about to open it for us. The light at the bottom made it look like a nice decoration for a bar but nothing else.

Why do women wear shoes that cripple their feet?

Mrs PM walks to a restaurant on the night out in here plimsolls and then pulls out her high heeled foot butchering shoes just outside and proceeds to hobble in clutching on to me as if she has severely injured herself.

Why do some 60 year old women wear revealing and tight fitting clothes that are designed for 21 year olds? 

A woman in a restaurant who would have looked okay wearing normal older person clothes, chose to wear one of those short, tight fitting dresses that revealed almost everything and left very little to the imagination. What’s more she was plastered in make-up, so much in fact that it probably took an expert interior decorator about three hours to make her look vaguely young. It didn’t; she looked ridiculous as she waddled to the toilet, her blubber hanging over the strategically placed “sexy” holes in the dress. Once seen, you can never unsee a sight like that.

What on earth is the logic of having a full length mirror in front of a toilet so that I can see myself pee?

In the same restaurant, I had a perfect view of myself as I answered a call of nature. Why? I ask again: “WHY????”

Why would anybody consider having a huge tattoo? 

Cheryl Cole/Fernandez-Vermicelli (or whatever her name is) has the most enormous tattoo on her bum. Why? What on earth is she going to look like at the age of 60?

How has Katie Hopkins managed to carve out television career for herself by being offensive?

Yes, that’s right! They’ve given Little Miss Nasty her own TV show finally!



What the flump were they thinking??????

Why hasn’t anybody exiled Piers Morgan to a remote island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean? Or to the moon?

He is STILL on my tellybox despite my protestations. I thought we had exiled him to America. Well apparently he pissed them off so much they sent him back! Can we send him to Australia now?

Who gives a flying flump about Kim Kardashian or any member of her family?

I am sick of people talking about these people. Stop talking about  them and they will go away.

What is going on in the head of Kanye West?

His ego is bigger than the universe, so much so that he recently declared himself the greatest living rock star on the planet. This after he had murdered Bohemian Rhapsody:



If he’s the greatest living rock star on the planet then I am a cat from outer space.

Why does my cat shit on my doormat?

Talking of cats, my fat lazy cat, Jasper, has recently started dumping his wares on our doormat. I think he’s trying to tell me something. We have had to start spraying the mat with Feliway – a kind of cat pheromone. It’s working but now …

Why do cats wait until you have cleaned their litter tray before immediately dumping their wares back into it? 

It’s summer. The cats should go outside to dump their wares but they are too lazy and prefer to use their trays (which I hate!!!). So there I am, like an idiot, cleaning the last disgusting mess only to find it refilled within seconds!

And why do cats vomit in the worst places?

Cats eat so much of their own fur that it congregates inside their gullets as a repulsive disgusting globule of semi-digested hair which they seem to love chundering up in the middle of my freshly vacuumed and cleaned carpet. Why can’t they go outside to do it? Of do it in the litter tray (I wouldn’t mind if I had just cleaned it).

The Great British Bake Off; what in the name of all that is SANE is this terrible cookery programme doing on prime time British television?

We are all mad in Britain because we watch utter garbage on television and become so obsessed with it that it fills the newspapers and in some cases it becomes all-consuming. We have terrible trailers for this show including one that was banned for copyright infringement, which had 80 year old Mary Berry singing a terrible version of the “Sound of Music”. This programme personifies the stupidity of some of my fellow countrymen who are infatuated with cookery programmes. Put the bloody thing on its own cookery channel  for flump’s sake! What’s worse, people actually complain at so-called funny innuendos that fill the show. People have actually written in to the BBC and complained about the overuse of the phrase “soggy bottom”.

Are these people for real??? I want to complain about the programme itself being so shit. Get the programme off the air before I rant myself into a mad seizure!

Why do people believe everything they read in the newspapers?

The Daily Mail and the Daily Express are the worst newspapers in Britain. They report stories full of scaremongery and have a deep political agenda that people are gullible enough to believe. Almost as bad are the celebrity obsessed tabloids who love to tell us tedious facts like Cheryl Cole/Fernandez-Ventagli (or whatever her name is) has had a tattoo that covers her arse and that we should worry about her because she has lost weight. We are gradually going insane – of that I am convinced.

Why don’t people just stop listening to crap radio stations?

I have listened to radio stations in the car with Mrs PM because we cannot agree on the music we can tolerate, so we search for some common ground and discover that we can both mutually rant about idiotic DJs and the same old dreadful old music that they insist on playing. Please God, give me a radio station. I’ll show them all how it is done and I promise that I won’t spend the time between playing shit songs with banal quizzes and inane uninteresting banter that is not funny and only appeals to morons.

Why does Mrs PM like such shit music?

Why can’t I brainwash her with my fantastic music after being with her for 17 years? There is no depth to Mrs PM’s music. All she listens to is dreadful music including Britney Spears, Cheryl Cole/Flaminez-Vampiri (or whatever her name is). She doesn’t even listen to the words. Even I know the words to the songs that she likes and usually they go something like this:

I see you on the dance floor and I want your love.

If you take me home tonight you can show me all your love.

You can take your love and give it to me all night long.

And then we can beat up the guy who wrote this awful song

Why is the weather in Britain so bloody shit?

Take Friday for example. In the middle of summer I walked about 500 yards from my hotel to take a ride on the legendary “Ferry Across The Mersey” and when I returned, God, in his infinite wisdom, thought I needed a 500 yard shower. I was absolutely drenched by the time I reached the hotel.  I would have been dryer if I had stood fully clothed in my own shower for three hours.

I only went out for five minutes!!

Okay – that’s enough ranting for now.

Thanks for indulging me again.

I’m off to watch the Great British Bake Off and count how many soggy bottoms there are.

More Stupid Questions

I was trawling the internet the other day with my good friend Mr Google, when I stumbled across a list of stupid questions whose sole aim is to make people in cyberspace chuckle.

And being the kind of person who enjoys a good chuckle and enjoys making other people laugh even more, I thought I would share some of them with you, dear reader.

I have to admit that this isn’t the first time I’ve shared such questions; here are a few I shared way back in 2008: Stupid Questions.

Here are some more for your enjoyment:

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?


Why has the word “monosyllabic” got five syllables?


What did they go back to before they invented drawing boards?


If you throttle a smurf, what colour does it turn?


Why are things typed up but written down?


Would you need a silencer if you were going to shoot a mime?


If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?


Can fat people go skinny dipping?


If I turn the volume up, do I use more electricity?


When day breaks, who fixes it?


If infants enjoy infancy, why shouldn’t adults enjoy adultery?


If Sunday is meant to be a day of rest, why do we have to get up early to go to church?


Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?


If you castrate a pig, is it disgruntled?


Where does a hermit go to get away from it all?


Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?


What’s more, how come psychics do not win the lottery?


How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?


Is drilling for oil boring?


Is there a synonym for “synonym”?


If you have 24 odds and ends on a table, and 23 fall off, what do you have left; an odd or an end?


Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?


Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?


Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?


Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?


Can you daydream at night?


Why is there no pine or apple in pineapple?


If work is so wonderful, why do they have to pay you to do it?


If a lighting technician is sacked, is he delighted?


If a train driver is sacked, is he derailed?


If you dig a hole at the South Pole are you digging up or down?


Why don’t we ever hear about gruntled employees?


If a policeman arrests a mime, does he say “You have the right to remain silent?”


Why does the doorbell always ring just as you have stepped into or out of the shower?

And how about you, dear reader - have you got any examples of stupid questions?

Ask The Plastic Mancunian

I have decided to write a dangerous and experimental post.

I want you, dear reader, to ask me any question (courtesy of a comment) and I will do my best to answer it in my next post.

Think of it as a living meme – though I would rather you didn’t ask me a meme-style question like “What’s your favourite colour?”

This idea is being shamelessly stolen from fellow Manchester blogger Mind of Mine who did something similar (by the way MoM, if you are reading this I wasn’t at all offended by your answer to my question). Other bloggers have done the same.

Your first question might be “Why is that a dangerous thing to do?”

Here's why ...

(1) You might think “Why on earth would I want to ask you anything at all you stupid arse?” and totally ignore the post.

(2) You might actually know me and ask me a deeply personal question, the answer to which may come back to haunt me for years to come.

(3) You might be a troll and hurl all manner of nasty abuse from behind the safety of your anonymous façade.

(4) I may offend you with the answer.

Deep down, I hope I don’t get any questions – that way I don’t have to answer any questions. I shall simply consider it a failed experiment and move on.

If you do know me, and post anonymously, I shall probably work out who you are from the nature of the question – so be warned – I have embarrassing stories about most people I know.

If you are a troll, then your question will be ignored – though I may make an example of you.

If I offend you with my answer, I apologise in advance.

Apart from that, I shall try to answer truthfully and honestly in my next post, providing I get enough interesting questions.

Of course, if I don’t get ANY questions I will seek solace in a pint of beer and thank my lucky stars that the experiment failed miserably.

It's up to you, dear reader ...

More Stupidity

There is compelling evidence that the world is a stupid place and it worries me, dear reader.

I am fully aware that I have momentary lapses when, without thinking, I say something daft. Unlike some people, however, it is usually due to me not noticing my surroundings rather than genuinely being thick.

Take, for example, the time when I climbed on my soapbox at work after one too many comments on a document I had written. An anal commentator pulled me up for using a compressed font in in just one sentence. I don’t know how it happened and I don’t particularly care.

The problem was that it was unnoticeable to the naked eye. The person who spotted it was one of those guys who comments on really minor things that make absolutely no difference.

“How can he tell this sentence is in a compressed font?” I asked.

“He’s searched the document for it?” said a colleague.

“He’s done WHAT???” I yelled.

It was the last straw. This was an internal document and I had violated a minor quality law and was being pulled up about it by a man who clearly suffered from some weird form of OCD. I hauled my soapbox out and started ranting.

I ranted about quality. I ranted about how pointless it was and how it made my job so much more difficult. I targeted my tirade of abuse at a bunch of graduates, who had only been at the company a year. I insulted the very core of the quality procedures. I tore strips of the company’s quality policy. I verbally annihilated the quality department.

“And what is the bloody point of the Quality Manager? That’s money for old rope,” I bellowed.

Somebody behind me said “Can I have a word, Dave?”

“What?” I shouted, whirling around, still agitated and wound up.

I stared into the eyes of the company Quality Manager.

“Oh shit,” I said.

That’s how stupid I can be, dear reader. I was stupid enough to start a rant about a department in our company unaware that the Quality Manager was standing behind me listening to every word I was saying.

So, yes, I can be stupid. But there are people in the world who take stupidity to new uncharted depths. These people are totally unaware of their own idiocy and genuinely ask the most bizarre questions, expecting people to not only answer them, but also simply cannot see why the questions are stupid.

The internet, as you can imagine, is a vast database of examples of idiocy and is full of stupid questions. To save you searching yourself, dear reader, I have trawled the worldwide web to find some of the most stupid questions ever asked. I ask myself whether these people are actually sentient or just ill-educated. Judge for yourself:

“Windsor Castle is very nice but why did they build it so close to an airport?”

“Do they have Christmas in Australia?”

“Which direction is North in South Africa?”

“Where can I download a good webcam for free?”

“Are there any lakes in the Lake District?”

“Does Wales close in the winter?”

“What’s the capital of Africa?”

“Do you have dogs in Germany?”

“Do you celebrate 4th July in England?”

“How do you know what day of the week it is if you are blind?”

“I want to walk from Durban to Johannesburg. Can I follow the railway track?”

“Why did they build so many ruined castles in England?”

“What’s the right age to start teaching my dog about sex?”

“Who feeds the Loch Ness Monster?”

“What’s the difference between Asian and Chinese people?”

“Will I get wet if I go snorkelling?”

“Can your baby get pregnant if you have sex while pregnant?”

“HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK?”

“What do you do with the ice carvings after they have melted?”

“Can I wear high heels in Australia?”

“I made Jesus-shaped pancakes but I burnt them. Am I going to Hell?”

“Which universities play Quidditch?”

“Was the Grand Canyon man-made?”

“What language do they speak in England?”

“Can I get pregnant from a kiss?”

“Is this island surrounded by water?”

“Would it be cheaper to fly or take a train to Hawaii?”

“What time does the 2 o’clock show start?”

“Do these steps go up or down?”

“Which religion has the best hats”?

“How do you get You Tube to come and film you?”

“What time do they turn the Northern Lights on?”

“Can I take my frozen turkey into my sauna to thaw I faster?”

“Does it go dark at night where you live?”

And a couple I have been asked:

“Do they have microwave ovens in England?”

“I’ve been to England. I met a guy called John Smith in London. Do you know him?”

“How many times have you met the Queen”?

There are many more stupid questions that have been asked and many more stupid people to ask such questions in future.

It’s scary isn’t it?