It’s been a while since I did a little research on the internet so I thought I would fill that gap. It wasn’t long before I once again drifted off at a tangent, having stumbled on a few items that highlighted just how stupid some people can be.
As I trawled through page after page of examples of idiocy, my mind boggled at how these people actually manage to get out of bed and leave the house on the morning.
Here are some examples from the usual sources; Facebook, Twitter, Yahoo and a few other places. Who is the dumbest out of the following group of muppets?
The person who asked if he could pay for things bought on the internet by putting their credit card in the DVD drive.
The person who started an ill-fated campaign to get “Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” banned because he thought it was disrespectful to the memory of 911.
The person who thought that “Titanic” was just a movie and not based on a real event.
The President who thought that Africa was a country.
The person who thought that “#” was invented just for Twitter.
The person who thought that Mount Rushmore was a natural rock formation.
Carved by Mother Nature herself!!
The Presidential running mate who thought that Africa was a country.
The person who thinks that it takes 18 months for twins to be born.
The person who thinks Kanye West is brilliant for introducing us all to a new artist: Sir Paul McCartney.
The person who thinks there are only seven countries in the world: Asia, Africa, Antarctica, Australia, North America, South America and Europe.
The person who thinks that it is stupid to have a button in the lift for the floor he is on.
The person who thinks that it is dangerous to look at a picture of the sun.
DO NOT LOOK AT THIS PICTURE! IT IS DANGEROUS FOR YOUR EYES!
The person who thinks they have no toilet paper in Canada.
The person who thinks it never rains in Australia since “the rain falls into space because it is at the bottom of the world”.
The person who asked “What is Obama’s last name?”
The British person who thinks “Barraco Barner” is the British President.
"My name is Obama Barraco Barner! And I am taking over your country!"
The person who thinks that England and Ireland are the same country and therefore can’t play each other at sport.
The person who asked “Who was the first person to walk on the sun”?
The person who thinks that Christian Bale must be Christian because his name is Christian.
The person who thought that planet Earth was 2014 years old in the year 2014.
The person who thinks that the huge tower in Paris is called the “Ifold” Tower.
The Republican Party candidate who thinks we need Global Warming to combat the freezing snow in New York.
The person who doesn’t know where the North Pole is.
The person who thinks that it hurts to be cremated.
The people in a town in North Carolina who rejected a solar panel farm project because they thought that the panels would “suck up all the energy from the sun”. So who do you think is the most stupid, dear reader?
The President of the United States of America wants to insert a computer chip into the brains of every American citizen so that the state can monitor their movements; of course, he has told America that this will have enormous health benefits and that people will live longer.
It is a conspiracy, dear reader, and proves, once and for all, that The Leader of the Free World is in fact a shape-shifting alien who wants to enslave the world, starting with the US and then moving onto Europe.
He is also the Antichrist.
Now then! There are people who will read the first three paragraphs of this post and believe every single word. For those of you who are reading this sentence, I can assure you that the previous gibberish is totally untrue. Strangely, though, the idea has not been plucked from my own disturbed imagination; it is based on genuine concerns that have been aired in cyberspace.
And most disturbing of all – there are people who take such nonsense literally and actually believe every single word of it.
I am not joking.
It makes me fear for the future of the human race.
Most human beings are of sound mind and can make rational judgements based on the information that they encounter, whether it is spoken by politicians or written in books and newspapers. I have never believed every shred of information that I have consumed; I am too cynical. When I see a politician preaching to the masses, drowning us in rhetoric, I take his words with a pinch of salt. Equally, when I read newspaper articles that make outrageous claims, I am most definitely not inclined to believe a word of it.
I am a cynic by nature and prefer to do my own research and make judgements based on facts rather than speculation or ridiculous scaremongery.
I recently read an article in a newspaper that highlighted the curse of being a literalist, i.e. a person who takes everything literally. The article was written by a British humour satirist who in the past has made totally untrue claims in the name of humour, claims like:
The Conservative party want to reduce the number of characters in a Tweet from 140 to 135 for those people who have fewer than 200,000 followers so that we didn’t drive these popular Twitter aficionados abroad.
While most people chuckled , apparently there were a few people who took this totally seriously, expressing their distaste at the injustice of it all.
Are these people gullible or just plain stupid?
Everybody is gullible to a certain extent, myself included, but there are limits. Some claims may be believable if they are not outrageous but there are some people out there who do take things literally without questioning the absurdity of what they are reading or watching.
If you don’t believe me, just look up Barack Obama and Antichrist on You Tube.
Here are some famous and not so famous examples:
In 1938, many people in America thought that the Earth was being invaded by Martians, having listened to a radio broadcast based on the War of the Worlds. The world was due to end on 21st December 2012 because that was the date that the Mayan calendar ended. I have a calendar in my house that ends on 31st December, 2014. Does that mean the world will end on that date? The Millennium Bug was due to cause total chaos on January 1st, 2000 at the stroke of midnight, with aircraft falling out of the sky and nuclear explosions the world over. I worked in IT and I knew this to be a scaremongering hoax at least ten years beforehand. All dogs in Denmark are to be painted white so that they are easier to see by motorists. The North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has been voted the sexiest man alive. You can charge your iPhone battery by putting it into a microwave.
See what I mean? Who would believe those things?
If you ask Mr Google about a literalist, he will focus on Biblical literalism, that is, the belief that every word of the Bible is gospel (if you will pardon the pun). Biblical literalists are those people who interpret every single word of the Bible and trust everything contained therein without question. These are the kind of people who say that I am cursed to an eternity in Hell for listening to heavy metal.
While I used to be religious, and made to feel guilty about everything, as a Roman Catholic, it didn’t take me long to start questioning the scriptures – and even questioning my local parish priest. Thankfully, the priest was sensible enough to tell me that perhaps the Bible shouldn’t be taken literally. As I grew up, I realised that the Bible in its current form has been written and rewritten many times, and with each rewrite, the basic messages and facts have been distorted and reinterpreted, so really the Bible is not really the same document as it was originally.
I’m sure that if you are a Biblical literalist you will be horrified by that last paragraph. I have actually had discussions with a Jehovah’s Witness on my own doorstep about this very subject. The very pleasant old lady told me that the Bible was a manual for life and I contradicted this by suggesting to her that the Bible is full of contradiction – so how can we take it literally?
Her answer was to read passages from the Bible she had with her, to prove to me that I was wrong.
So I brought up the subject of dinosaurs and asked why they are not mentioned in the Bible when there is irrefutable proof of their existence.
Her answer made me laugh out loud.
“Fossils were created by Satan to test our faith.” “And is that mentioned in the Bible?” I asked.
I don’t want to pick on Biblical literalists at all; it is just easier to highlight what I am saying using them as an example. There are numerous other examples of conspiracy theories that are so absurd you have to shake your head in disbelief when you read them.
But people do actually believe them, theories like:
The world is ruled by lizard people. The Earth is hollow. There is a Nazi base on the moon and Hitler himself flew there in 1945.
The truth is that I am not really a normal everyday buffoon living in Manchester; I am an alien and I have written this post from my invisible spaceship that has been orbiting the Earth since 2008. I am in league with Barack Obama and together we are going to take over the entire world.
If you believe that, you’ll believe anything.
Over to you dear reader:
Are you a literalist? What is the most ridiculous "truth" you have read? What is you favourite conspiracy theory?
I was trawling the internet the other day with my good friend Mr Google, when I stumbled across a list of stupid questions whose sole aim is to make people in cyberspace chuckle.
And being the kind of person who enjoys a good chuckle and enjoys making other people laugh even more, I thought I would share some of them with you, dear reader.
I have to admit that this isn’t the first time I’ve shared such questions; here are a few I shared way back in 2008: Stupid Questions.
Here are some more for your enjoyment:
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why has the word “monosyllabic” got five syllables?
What did they go back to before they invented drawing boards?
If you throttle a smurf, what colour does it turn?
Why are things typed up but written down?
Would you need a silencer if you were going to shoot a mime?
If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
Can fat people go skinny dipping?
If I turn the volume up, do I use more electricity?
When day breaks, who fixes it?
If infants enjoy infancy, why shouldn’t adults enjoy adultery?
If Sunday is meant to be a day of rest, why do we have to get up early to go to church?
Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?
If you castrate a pig, is it disgruntled?
Where does a hermit go to get away from it all?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
What’s more, how come psychics do not win the lottery?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?
Is drilling for oil boring?
Is there a synonym for “synonym”?
If you have 24 odds and ends on a table, and 23 fall off, what do you have left; an odd or an end?
Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Can you daydream at night?
Why is there no pine or apple in pineapple?
If work is so wonderful, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If a lighting technician is sacked, is he delighted?
If a train driver is sacked, is he derailed?
If you dig a hole at the South Pole are you digging up or down?
Why don’t we ever hear about gruntled employees?
If a policeman arrests a mime, does he say “You have the right to remain silent?”
Why does the doorbell always ring just as you have stepped into or out of the shower?
And how about you, dear reader - have you got any examples of stupid questions?
There is compelling evidence that the world is a stupid place and it worries me, dear reader.
I am fully aware that I have momentary lapses when, without thinking, I say something daft. Unlike some people, however, it is usually due to me not noticing my surroundings rather than genuinely being thick.
Take, for example, the time when I climbed on my soapbox at work after one too many comments on a document I had written. An anal commentator pulled me up for using a compressed font in in just one sentence. I don’t know how it happened and I don’t particularly care.
The problem was that it was unnoticeable to the naked eye. The person who spotted it was one of those guys who comments on really minor things that make absolutely no difference.
“How can he tell this sentence is in a compressed font?” I asked.
“He’s searched the document for it?” said a colleague.
“He’s done WHAT???” I yelled.
It was the last straw. This was an internal document and I had violated a minor quality law and was being pulled up about it by a man who clearly suffered from some weird form of OCD. I hauled my soapbox out and started ranting.
I ranted about quality. I ranted about how pointless it was and how it made my job so much more difficult. I targeted my tirade of abuse at a bunch of graduates, who had only been at the company a year. I insulted the very core of the quality procedures. I tore strips of the company’s quality policy. I verbally annihilated the quality department.
“And what is the bloody point of the Quality Manager? That’s money for old rope,” I bellowed.
Somebody behind me said “Can I have a word, Dave?”
“What?” I shouted, whirling around, still agitated and wound up.
I stared into the eyes of the company Quality Manager.
“Oh shit,” I said.
That’s how stupid I can be, dear reader. I was stupid enough to start a rant about a department in our company unaware that the Quality Manager was standing behind me listening to every word I was saying.
So, yes, I can be stupid. But there are people in the world who take stupidity to new uncharted depths. These people are totally unaware of their own idiocy and genuinely ask the most bizarre questions, expecting people to not only answer them, but also simply cannot see why the questions are stupid.
The internet, as you can imagine, is a vast database of examples of idiocy and is full of stupid questions. To save you searching yourself, dear reader, I have trawled the worldwide web to find some of the most stupid questions ever asked. I ask myself whether these people are actually sentient or just ill-educated. Judge for yourself:
“Windsor Castle is very nice but why did they build it so close to an airport?”
“Do they have Christmas in Australia?”
“Which direction is North in South Africa?”
“Where can I download a good webcam for free?”
“Are there any lakes in the Lake District?”
“Does Wales close in the winter?”
“What’s the capital of Africa?”
“Do you have dogs in Germany?”
“Do you celebrate 4th July in England?”
“How do you know what day of the week it is if you are blind?”
“I want to walk from Durban to Johannesburg. Can I follow the railway track?”
“Why did they build so many ruined castles in England?”
“What’s the right age to start teaching my dog about sex?”
“Who feeds the Loch Ness Monster?”
“What’s the difference between Asian and Chinese people?”
“Will I get wet if I go snorkelling?”
“Can your baby get pregnant if you have sex while pregnant?”
“HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK?”
“What do you do with the ice carvings after they have melted?”
“Can I wear high heels in Australia?”
“I made Jesus-shaped pancakes but I burnt them. Am I going to Hell?”
“Which universities play Quidditch?”
“Was the Grand Canyon man-made?”
“What language do they speak in England?”
“Can I get pregnant from a kiss?”
“Is this island surrounded by water?”
“Would it be cheaper to fly or take a train to Hawaii?”
“What time does the 2 o’clock show start?”
“Do these steps go up or down?”
“Which religion has the best hats”?
“How do you get You Tube to come and film you?”
“What time do they turn the Northern Lights on?”
“Can I take my frozen turkey into my sauna to thaw I faster?”
“Does it go dark at night where you live?”
And a couple I have been asked:
“Do they have microwave ovens in England?”
“I’ve been to England. I met a guy called John Smith in London. Do you know him?”
“How many times have you met the Queen”?
There are many more stupid questions that have been asked and many more stupid people to ask such questions in future.
On December 31st 2009, at approximately 23:58, I stared into the eyes of my beloved Mrs PM and said to her:
“My New Year’s Resolution is clear to me: I will not rant in 2010.”
Actually, to be honest, it was probably blurted out at high volume with a lot of slurring and a couple of I love you’s thrown in for good measure and punctuated by the odd belch and hiccup.
However it came out, the sentiment was there.
I was having a great time and I was sick and tired of climbing onto my soapbox. I had convinced myself that I could refrain from blowing my top I was absolutely certain that I would manage to spend 365 days in blissful harmony with the world around me, surrounded by whistling birds, butterflies flitting past my head. I would smile all the time, knowing that I had subdued my grumpiness.
I would adopt the great mantra sung by the legendary Louis Armstrong:
I see trees of green, red roses too I see them bloom for me and you And I think to myself what a wonderful world.
I see skies of blue and clouds of white The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night And I think to myself what a wonderful world.
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky Are also on the faces of people going by I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do They're really saying I love you.
I hear babies cry, I watch them grow They'll learn much more than I'll never know And I think to myself what a wonderful world Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.
My high hopes lasted approximately 365 minutes.
On New Year’s Day, I switched on my TV, watched the news and with seconds my soapbox was out, I had mounted it, and I was lecturing Mrs PM on everything that was wrong with the world.
I tried, dear reader; honestly I tried.
All of this proves that I have a problem; I am convinced that I am surrounded by petty minded imbeciles, bureaucratic morons, stubborn buffoons who refuse to budge and half-wits at every turn.
Some people may say that I am a half-wit and I would agree that sometimes I can be. But as I get older, the world to me seems to be descending into absolute farce at every conceivable opportunity in every single walk of life, from politics to sport, from music to entertainment, from work to travel.
There is breath-taking arrogance throughout the world; evil exists everywhere; stupidity is rife.
Everywhere I turn there is somebody or something determined to make my life difficult or determined to push the button that ignites the flame that converts me from a mild mannered human being into a psychotic ranting animal.
And I’m fed up of it.
Take today, for example.
My work colleagues absolutely love to push the rant button and do so at every opportunity. Most of the time, I breathe deeply and let their taunts ride over me. Occasionally, though, they catch me unawares and I lose control of my senses and rant like a madman. Today’s rant was an absolute belter and half the office stopped work to enjoy my blustering tirade. I entertained the office for a good ten minutes and had most of them falling on the floor with laughter.
You see, dear reader, although I rant, I do so in a light-hearted way that makes people laugh, hence the reason why they are so keen to do it.
WORK COLLEAGUE 1: There’s an email just come in from HR – another belter. Let’s wind Dave up.
WORK COLLEAGUE 2: Crikey – he’ll blow his top. Quick get the popcorn out.
WORK COLLEAGUE 1: Hey Dave. Have you seen the latest missive from HR?
PM (sighing): What now.
WORK COLLEAGUE 1: There are new rules about washing your hands.
PM: WHAT????????????
And so it begins.
Normally I don’t particularly have a problem with HR at all but my work colleagues love to illustrate the most bizarre edicts that come out of the human resources office.
One thing I have a problem with is the name: “Human Resources”.
What on earth happened to “Personnel”? The name “Human Resources” makes me feel like I am a number and not a free man. I am a “resource” to be thrown at a job instead of the expert that will get the job done with maximum efficiency. I feel violated – it’s like I don’t matter at all.
I don’t want to pick on HR at all because ultimately they are victims as well. There is a dark cloud looming, dear reader, and I would love to know who or what is responsible for it. It is like something out of a horror novel – an almost physical entity that touches life as we used to know it and mutates it into absurdity.
Anybody who doubts me, please answer these questions:
What is so special about a person who happens to have won Big Brother? What talent do they possess? The person was unknown when he went into the house and while he was in there did nothing other than try to be controversial, failing miserably. Why on earth should anybody care about anything they ever do? Why are tabloids obsessed with these people?
Talking of tabloids, why do they insult my intelligence with stories about people who I don’t care about and are not worthy of even a passing thought? Why do they build people up and then shoot them down in an instant? Why do they invent terrible nicknames for people, for example, Wayne Rooney becomes Roo or Wazza and we are treated to “intelligent” attention grabbing headlines that substitute the word Roo for You – for example I Only Have Eyes For Roo and Roo Blew It and Rool Britannia – I HATE them. And why do tabloids just print lies? How can they get away with it? Am I alone?
And what about politicians? We have a general election here in England, a party gets elected and then fails to deliver their promises. How can they get away with lying? They should be held to account and punished. Imagine if it were my workplace? If I lied about something so important I would be sacked.
And then you have footballing cheats. Brazilian Kaka sent off because an Ivory Coast player ran into him and then pretended that he been pole-axed by a sniper’s bullet. And what of the goal that Frank Lampard scored against the Germans that was clearly over the line yet ignored despite the video evidence? And what about the goal scored by Carlos Tevez against Mexico that was clearly offside and seen by the entire crowd, all the players and officials and the teams, including Tevez himself and the linesman who didn’t see it? Did the referee watching the screen change his mind? Did he bugger! And what have FIFA got to say? No video technology and no video referee! The arrogance is breath-taking!
And then we have Katie Price and all other famous people who have an army of fans simply because we are privy to watching their exploits on reality TV shows. I take my hat off to Katie Price, Paris Hilton etc. because somehow they have managed to convince armies of fans that there is a point – I just cannot see why they are so fascinating. Am I alone?
Do people take their brains out when watching Saturday night prime time entertainment shows? How can people sit and watch shows like “The X Factor” without throwing a lump hammer through the television? The bulk of these people have no talent whatsoever – how and why do they and people like Simon Cowell get away with convincing us otherwise? It is beyond belief.
Talking of music, whatever happened to good decent music? From the bowels of X Factor we get “Jedward”, two totally talentless twins who destroyed everything they attempted to sing. Don’t take my word for it – watch this:
Even Simon Cowell hated it. What on earth is going on? Is Louis Walsh insane? Britain was obsessed with these talentless kids – they have balls but no talent whatsoever. How can they shine on prime time TV and how can they get a record deal? The world’s gone MAD!!
Still with the music scene – why should a rock singer tell me what to think? Bono makes me cringe every time he opens his mouth to speak. Great singer, great voice – STICK TO SINGING! A mate of mine went to see U2 once – they were his favourite band. When asked if he would see them again he said: “No! I didn’t want to pay all of that money to be bollocked by Bono!!”
I want to eat meat. I like meat. Meat is good for me and it tastes great. I do not want to be told by a vegetarian that I am some kind of homicidal maniac just because I like bacon. Vegetarians have their views – I respect that. But please do not tell me what to do! It is perfectly natural for human beings to eat meat – get over it. Am I the only carnivore in the world who thinks like this?
I could go on but I fear that this post will turn into a book so I will stop for the time being. I do worry though because such nonsense infuriates me, despite my best efforts to stay calm. I am getting better, honestly, but things catch my attention, catch me off guard and light the blue touch paper.
The world is insane.
And I’m not the only one who thinks so.
Here are a few choice rants from a friend of mine at work who, like me, despairs at the state of the world.
He was the inspiration for a blog post from 2008 called Radio Grump FM.
He despaired so much that I had to immortalise some of his frenzied and explosive outbursts for the world to see. I think they are funny – perhaps you agree. If you don’t agree, it doesn’t matter. But I am not alone.
A bit of background before I share his wisdom with you. He is a software engineer, like me, who has a particular gripe with Microsoft.
Enjoy:
(1) Just how thick are these people? I think somebody opened up their heads when they were kids, scooped out their brains and then filled them full of shit!!
(2) I can’t believe they wrote Microsoft Word and then didn’t bloody test it. Maybe it was just tested by a blind man in a dark cellar.
(3) You like Lorraine Kelly? Well that’s 4000 million years of evolution pissed up against the wall!!!
(4) (When woken up by a massive thunderstorm) I looked out of the window and I’ve never seen rain and wind like it. I was beginning to wonder whether I should go out and find Jesus and let him into my life.
(5) You want me to carry on testing this afternoon? Hopefully by then I will have found a spoon to gouge out my eyeballs.
(6) If somebody came up to me and said “I can’t do that because my moon’s rising in Uranus” I’d just punch them!
(7) Yes, there's something controversial about the MacBook Air - It's overpriced SHIT!
(8) Money may not buy you happiness but it will buy you a much better class of misery.
(9) Talking is the only thing that keeps me sane. If I didn't talk I'd have to stand up, pull my zip down and piss on the keyboard.
(10) I think I'll have to phone the bus company lost property service. "Has anyone found a will to live? I had it when I was on the bus this morning but since being at work I've discovered it missing".
(11) I'm going so mental looking at this that I'm thinking of impaling my eyeballs with this Bic biro.
(12) Whoever came up with that idea can't even be fecking sentient.
(13) Is there such a thing as a book called "Idiots Guide To Java" or is that intrinsic to the language?
(14) You can learn to nail you knackers to the table from the internet if you want but that doesn't mean to say it's a good idea.
(15) I'd better get on with some other work before I kill somebody.
(16) This system works on a wing and a prayer – which is not good if you’re an atheist.
(17) Who let these people loose on the human race?
(18) Fecking wankers – the lot of ‘em! I wouldn’t trust them with an Etch-a-Sketch!
(19) These people have definitely been reading Dilbert too much and using it as a manual.
(20) Teaming is not a bloody word, you arses!!
Anyway, I’ve had enough of this nonsense.
Maybe if we all took stock and looked at the idiocy and arrogance in the world we could collectively do something about it. Until then any attempts by me to contain my furious frustration will be totally futile.
Please feel free to let me know what infuriates you. Have you got a soapbox? If so, what makes you stand on it and rant to the world?
I can see a book coming out of this. Maybe I should divert my frustration into something creative.
The problem is that people wouldn’t take any notice of it – until I become World Leader that is.
WARNING: For readers who don't like vomit and poo – STOP READING NOW!
For the rest of you …
What could be worse than pouring milk in your tea and taking a huge gulp only to discover that the milk is way past its sell by date?
What could be worse than digging in the garden, reaching into the soil and putting your fingers in a huge lump of extremely malodorous cat shit?
What could be worse than the above cat shit getting stuck in your fingernails?
What could be worse than stepping down from a chair in bare feet and landing on an upturned plug?
What could be worse than accidentally tripping up a woman carrying four dozen eggs?
What could be worse then finding a huge pile of cat vomit in the middle of your carpet?
What could be worse than failing to notice the huge pile of cat vomit in the middle of your carpet (because you may have left your glasses upstairs) and then stepping into the warm sickly substance?
What could be worse than dropping your toothbrush down the toilet and having to reach in to retrieve it?
What could be worse than being such a skinflint that you actually use the same toothbrush afterwards?
What could be worse than stepping in a huge slimy dog turd, not noticing it, and then walking it through your new girlfriend’s parents’ house the very first time you met them?
What could be worse than dropping your mobile phone down the toilet?
What could be worse than wearing a dress to see the Rocky Horror Show and then allowing your mate to send it to somebody at work so that most of the company can laugh at you?
What could be worse than trying to chat up a handsome man and then dropping your drink all over your lovely new dress?
What could be worse than taking a bite out of a sandwich and then seeing a big green piece of mould right next to the bite mark?
What could be worse than having your beloved mullet cut off because you misunderstood the hairdresser’s question?
What could be worse than using one tea bag per day to make at least five cups of tea because you are a skinflint?
What could be worse than fancying a girl so much that you drink a colossal amount of ale just to pluck up the courage to talk to her and then totally humiliating yourself while insulting her in the process?
What could be worse than screaming like a girl when you see a large spider in a foreign country?
What could be worse than buying a brand new £300 mp3 player, only to use the wrong charger to charge it the first time, completely destroying it?
What could be worse than carrying a tray of beers to a table in a pub and then dropping it on the table, pouring fresh beer on all of your mates?
What could be worse than throwing up on your mate’s lap on a bus ride home?
What could be worse than holding your young baby over your head and being rewarded for making him giggle with a torrent of vomit over your face?
What could be worse than locking yourself out of you flat wearing nothing but a small dressing gown that barely hides your arse, let alone anything else?
What could be worse than being woken up by a huge fat cat leaping down from the wardrobe and landing on that part of your stomach that causes the most air to be expelled?
What could be worse than screaming like a girl when a huge fat cat leaps from a wardrobe onto your stomach?
What could be worse than a man screaming like a girl when a mild earthquake hits Manchester in the middle of the night?
What could be worse than waking up on the concourse of Victoria Station in London next to a steaming pile of vomit?
What could be worse than putting blue food dye in a mate’s beer on his stag do?
What could be worse than throwing up all over a table in an Indian restaurant having consumed copious amounts of beer, some of which was tainted with blue food dye, leaving a huge pile of steaming blue vomit for the rest of restaurant to marvel at?
What could be worse than falling into a river because you took a short cut on a cross country run?
What could be worse than having diarrhoea in a place where the only toilet around for the next three days is totally blocked?
What could be worse than waking up to find a dismembered thrush scattered around your house?
What could be worse than warning your children not to spray sun tan cream in their face because it is dangerous and then promptly spraying sun tan cream into your own face?
What could be worse than waking up and discovering a rat has eaten all of your toilet paper?
What could be worse than a rat eating all of your toilet paper when you have diarrhoea on a boat with the only usuable toilet being the worst toilet in the world?
What could be worse than throwing a glass of coke over a mate, claiming that you did it because “there was wasp in your ear”?
What could be worse than staying at a mate’s house and, in desperation, throwing up all over his freshly washed plates?
What could be worse than putting the wrong type of petrol in your car while you have three mates watching you?
What could be worse that laughing at the guy who put the wrong type of petrol in his car and then doing it yourself sometime later?
What could be worse than having a cat drop a live mouse on you “as a gift” while you were reading in bed?
What could be worse than reversing your car off the drive and hitting a parked car on the other side of the road?
What could be worse than failing to notice that you hit a parked car on the other side of the road, moving forward and then reversing into the same parked car AGAIN!
What could be worse than a woman walking into the toilet while you are perched on the throne in all your glory?
What could be worse than vomiting all over a fruit machine that was being played by a complete stranger?
What could be worse than accidentally spilling hot coffee all over your crotch while in front of customers and then having to walk around for the rest of the day looking as if you have had an accident?
What could be worse than standing admiring a brand new light grey carpet, stepping back and accidentally knocking over a glass of blackcurrant cordial all over it?
What could be worse than suggesting that you throw blackcurrant cordial over the rest of the new carpet to your wife “in order to make the stain symmetrical”?
What could be worse than watching several gallons of home made beer flooding on your kitchen floor when you accidentally tip over the barrel?
What could be worse than standing in front of a urinal just as the water pipe above decides to spring a leak and spray water all over your crotch?
What could be worse than waking up at a strange house with a colossal hangover after a party and then stupidly confessing to the owner of the house that you had thrown up all over his TV the night before?
What could be worse than being given a lift home after a party and then throwing up all over yourself?
What could be worse than finding yourself three miles from home on a Saturday afternoon, covered in vomit, having been thrown out of a car that is also full of your vomit?
What's worse than being sea sick on a ferry and throwing up in the wind, scattering it all over the place (including on other passengers)?
What could be worse than telling the Plastic Mancunian about bad things that have happened to you over the years, only to find them mentioned in a puerile blog post about bad things that have happened to people?
What could be worse than being the Plastic Mancunian and confessing that some of the things above actually happened to you?
I’ve always wondered just how stupid the human race is. I know that I’ve been stupid in the past, but the level of my stupidity is normal, that is, I make the same mistakes as most people.
However, I have discovered that there are people out there in all countries of the world for whom the word “stupid” would be a complement. These people are so brainless that manufacturers of certain products have had to add warnings so that these imbeciles do not actually harm themselves by using the product in an unsavoury way, thus harming themselves in the process and, I would guess, suing the manufacturers for not adding a suitable warning
Once again, I have surfed the internet on your behalf in order to illustrate how utterly and completely boneheaded some people actually are. I realise that there are many out there who believe that it is the manufacturers who are the thick ones, but if you take a closer look you can imagine “victims” of product misuse attempting to sue to hide their dumbness. As far as I know, all of the warnings below are genuine.
On a toner cartridge for a laser printer: Do not eat toner
Instructions on the label of a bottled drink: Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth
On a lottery ticket: Do not iron
On a birthday card for a one year old: Not suitable for children under 36 months
On flower pot: Houseplants are for ornamental use and not to be consumed
On cough medicine for children: Do not drive or operate machinery after use
On a hair colour box: Do not use as an ice cream topping
On a bag of peanuts: Warning: contains nuts
On a hair dryer: Do not use in the shower
Also on a hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping
On a toilet brush: Do not use orally
On a microwave oven: Do not use for drying pets
On a novelty rock garden: Warning: Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth
On a push chair: Warning: Remove infant before folding for storage
On a superman costume: Warning: Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly
On a lighter: Do not expose flame to the face
On a box of sleeping pills: Warning: May cause drowsiness
On a TV remote control: Warning: Not dishwasher safe
On an electric cattle prod: For use on animals only
On an iPod shuffle: Warning: Do not eat iPod shuffe
On a bottle of pills for dogs: Use care when operating a car
On an iron: Do not iron clothes on the body
On a barbecue: Warning: this product gets hot
On a chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand or genitals
Also on a chainsaw: Do not hold the wrong end of a chainsaw
And my favourite:
On a blowtorch: Not to be used for drying hair
I have a picture in my mind for all of them (I’m sorry, I can’t help it – I’m drawn to such things in a weird kind of way). I can imagine a woman with long hair trying to dry it using a blowtorch; I can picture a man discovering that the shirt he has just put on needs to be ironed; I can picture a man leaping off a tall building in a Superman cape.
Anyway, I must go. I need to round up the cats with my new cattle prod.
Questions like “If a tree falls down in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” really wind me up because it enables pseudo intellectuals to start pontificating about philosophy, paradigm shifts, the meaning of life and all the baggage and bull that comes with it. I really don’t like pseudo-intellectuals. I wish people would just talk to people without attempting to impress people with big long meaningless words, phrases and ideas.
I prefer stupid questions that make people laugh. I’ve had a trawl of the internet and come up with a few favourites:
Is sexual harassment a work a problem if you are self-employed?
Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed?
What do fish drink?
Do pilots take crash courses?
If I gave you a pencil, could you draw a blank?
Who killed the Dead Sea?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
If bees live in an apiary where do apes live?
If I save time, when do I get it all back?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?
Why isn’t there mouse flavoured cat food?
If there were a spelling mistake in a dictionary, who would notice?
Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”
Why do your feet smell, yet your nose runs?
Why do they build cars that go faster than the speed limit?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why aren’t there ever any guilty bystanders?
Why are violets blue and not violet?
Where is Old Zealand?
When people lose weight, where does it go? And why can’t anybody else find it?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What is “soft liquor”?
If you swallow your pride, what does it taste like?
What do sheep count when they can’t sleep?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say that Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
Why is Greenland called Greenland when it is covered in ice?
What would cheese say if you took its picture?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
By all means try to answer the questions if you are a pseudo-intellectual. I’d be interested to hear from you. I won't laugh.
