Really Stupid People

It’s been a while since I did a little research on the internet so I thought I would fill that gap. It wasn’t long before I once again  drifted off at a tangent, having stumbled on a few items that highlighted just how stupid some people can be.

As I trawled through page after page of examples of idiocy, my mind boggled at how these people actually manage to get out of bed and leave the house on the morning.

Here are some examples from the usual sources; Facebook, Twitter, Yahoo and a few other places. Who is the dumbest out of the following group of muppets?

The person who asked if he could pay for things bought on the internet by putting their credit card in the DVD drive.

The person who started an ill-fated campaign to get “Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” banned because he thought it was disrespectful to the memory of 911.

The person who thought that “Titanic” was just a movie and not based on a real event.

The President who thought that Africa was a country.

The person who thought that “#” was invented just for Twitter.

The person who thought that Mount Rushmore was a natural rock formation.

Carved by Mother Nature herself!!

The Presidential running mate who thought that Africa was a country.

The person who thinks that it takes 18 months for twins to be born.

The person who thinks Kanye West is brilliant for introducing us all to a new artist: Sir Paul McCartney.

The person who thinks there are only seven countries in the world: Asia, Africa, Antarctica, Australia, North America, South America and Europe.

The person who thinks that it is stupid to have a button in the lift for the floor he is on.

The person who thinks that it is dangerous to look at a picture of the sun.

DO NOT LOOK AT THIS PICTURE! IT IS DANGEROUS FOR YOUR EYES!

The person who thinks they have no toilet paper in Canada.

The person who thinks it never rains in Australia since “the rain falls into space because it is at the bottom of the world”.

The person who asked “What is Obama’s last name?”

The British person who thinks “Barraco Barner” is the British President.

"My name is Obama Barraco Barner! And I am taking over your country!"

The person who thinks that England and Ireland are the same country and therefore can’t play each other at sport.

The person who asked “Who was the first person to walk on the sun”?

The person who thinks that Christian Bale must be Christian because his name is Christian.

The person who thought that planet Earth was 2014 years old in the year 2014.

The person who thinks that the huge tower in Paris is called the “Ifold” Tower.

The Republican Party candidate who thinks we need Global Warming to combat the freezing snow in New York.

The person who doesn’t know where the North Pole is.

The person who thinks that it hurts to be cremated.

The people in a town in North Carolina who rejected a solar panel farm project because they thought that the panels would “suck up all the energy from the sun”.

So who do you think is the most stupid, dear reader?

The Literalist

The President of the United States of America wants to insert a computer chip into the brains of every American citizen so that the state can monitor their movements; of course, he has told America that this will have enormous health benefits and that people will live longer.

It is a conspiracy, dear reader, and proves, once and for all, that The Leader of the Free World is in fact a shape-shifting alien who wants to enslave the world, starting with the US and then moving onto Europe.

He is also the Antichrist.

Now then! There are people who will read the first three paragraphs of this post and believe every single word. For those of you who are reading this sentence, I can assure you that the previous gibberish is totally untrue. Strangely, though, the idea has not been plucked from my own disturbed imagination; it is based on genuine concerns that have been aired in cyberspace.

And most disturbing of all – there are people who take such nonsense literally and actually believe every single word of it.

I am not joking.

It makes me fear for the future of the human race.

Most human beings are of sound mind and can make rational judgements based on the information that they encounter, whether it is spoken by politicians or written in books and newspapers. I have never believed every shred of information that I have consumed; I am too cynical. When I see a politician preaching to the masses, drowning us in rhetoric, I take his words with a pinch of salt. Equally, when I read newspaper articles that make outrageous claims, I am most definitely not inclined to believe a word of it.

I am a cynic by nature and prefer to do my own research and make judgements based on facts rather than speculation or ridiculous scaremongery.

I recently read an article in a newspaper that highlighted the curse of being a literalist, i.e. a person who takes everything literally. The article was written by a British humour satirist who in the past has made totally untrue claims in the name of humour, claims like:

The Conservative party want to reduce the number of characters in a Tweet from 140 to 135 for those people who have fewer than 200,000 followers so that we didn’t drive these popular Twitter aficionados abroad.

While most people chuckled , apparently there were a few people who took this totally seriously, expressing their distaste at the injustice of it all.

Are these people gullible or just plain stupid?

Everybody is gullible to a certain extent, myself included, but there are limits. Some claims may be believable if they are not outrageous but there are some people out there who do take things literally without questioning the absurdity of what they are reading or watching.

If you don’t believe me, just look up Barack Obama and Antichrist on You Tube.

Here are some famous and not so famous examples:

In 1938, many people in America thought that the Earth was being invaded by Martians, having listened to a radio broadcast based on the War of the Worlds.

The world was due to end on 21st December 2012 because that was the date that the Mayan calendar ended. I have a calendar in my house that ends on 31st December, 2014. Does that mean the world will end on that date?

The Millennium Bug was due to cause total chaos on January 1st, 2000 at the stroke of midnight, with aircraft falling out of the sky and nuclear explosions the world over. I worked in IT and I knew this to be a scaremongering hoax at least ten years beforehand.

All dogs in Denmark are to be painted white so that they are easier to see by motorists. 

The North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has been voted the sexiest man alive.

You can charge your iPhone battery by putting it into a microwave.

See what I mean? Who would believe those things?

If you ask Mr Google about a literalist, he will focus on Biblical literalism, that is, the belief that every word of the Bible is gospel (if you will pardon the pun). Biblical literalists are those people who interpret every single word of the Bible and trust everything contained therein without question. These are the kind of people who say that I am cursed to an eternity in Hell for listening to heavy metal.

While I used to be religious, and made to feel guilty about everything, as a Roman Catholic, it didn’t take me long to start questioning the scriptures – and even questioning my local parish priest. Thankfully, the priest was sensible enough to tell me that perhaps the Bible shouldn’t be taken literally. As I grew up, I realised that the Bible in its current form has been written and rewritten many times, and with each rewrite, the basic messages and facts have been distorted and reinterpreted, so really the Bible is not really the same document as it was originally.

I’m sure that if you are a Biblical literalist you will be horrified by that last paragraph. I have actually had discussions with a Jehovah’s Witness on my own doorstep about this very subject. The very pleasant old lady told me that the Bible was a manual for life and I contradicted this by suggesting to her that the Bible is full of contradiction – so how can we take it literally?

Her answer was to read passages from the Bible she had with her, to prove to me that I was wrong.

So I brought up the subject of  dinosaurs and asked why they are not mentioned in the Bible when there is irrefutable proof of their existence.

Her answer made me laugh out loud.

“Fossils were created by Satan to test our faith.”

“And is that mentioned in the Bible?” I asked.

I don’t want to pick on Biblical literalists at all; it is just easier to highlight what I am saying using them as an example. There are numerous other examples of conspiracy theories that are so absurd you have to shake your head in disbelief when you read them.

But people do actually believe them, theories like:

The world is ruled by lizard people.

The Earth is hollow.

There is a Nazi base on the moon and Hitler himself flew there in 1945.

The truth is that I am not really a normal everyday buffoon living in Manchester; I am an alien and I have written this post from my invisible spaceship that has been orbiting the Earth since 2008. I am in league with Barack Obama and together we are going to take over the entire world.

If you believe that, you’ll believe anything.

Over to you dear reader:

Are you a literalist?

What is the most ridiculous "truth" you have read?

What is you favourite conspiracy theory?

How To Conquer The World

I intend to conquer the world, and I have a plan to do it. I am so confident that it will work that I am going to share it with you.

Before I tell you my plan, I have a word of warning: you are either for me or against me and if you are against me then you will suffer a fate worse than death.

The very first thing I am going to do is to build a colossal space ship to explore the stars and work will start on this as soon as I seize power. This spaceship will serve two purposes:

(1) To explore strange new worlds and seek out new life and new civilisations to annoy.

(2) To rid the world of everybody that irritates me.

You see, I plan to capture all of those people who make my blood boil, stuff them into this massive spaceship and send them on their way. I don’t intend to kill anybody (I am a benevolent leader) so the spaceship will be equipped with all the know-how to feed all of those irritating “guests”.

In fact, I will be making sure that certain celebrity experts will be on the spaceship too.

Jamie Oliver will be on hand to cook their food along with Anthony Worrall Thompson and other TV chefs who make me hurl food at my TV whenever they appear.

If any “guests” need help or advice, they will be able to talk to Jeremy Kyle and Vanessa Feltz.

Entertainment will be provided too. I will supply a vast library of all of those TV shows and movies that I hate. You will, for example, be able to see “X Factor” live because Simon Cowell will be on the ship with Louis Walsh, Cheryl Cole and Piers Morgan.

The movies you will be able to enjoy will include Marley and Me, Serendipity, Sex In The City, Independence Day, Dead Poets Society and many other such dreadful wastes of celluloid.

All cookery programmes, talent shows, desperately unfunny situation comedies, reality TV shows (except the Apprentice), house improvement and gardening shows (no gardens in outer space my friends), psychic shows and those awful daytime chat shows will form your televisual entertainment.

Music will be provided by Take That, Boyzone, jazz bands, R’n’B, hip hop, opera and all artists who perform in the other genres I despise. I’m sorry, lads, but Beyoncé will not be on the space ship; she will be undergoing intense training to become a heavy metal vocalist.

And, of course, there will be no rock music on the spaceship whatsoever – apart from Nickleback, Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit and Bon Jovi.

Other celebrity guests will include Katie Price, Mariah Carey, Chris Moyles, The Spice Girls (I might spare Victoria Beckham just to keep David happy), Peter Mandelson, Paris Hilton, Max Clifford (and anybody he has ever represented), Britney Spears, Russell Grant, Naomi Campbell, Kanye West, Amanda Holden, Celine Dion, Derek Acorah, Liam Gallagher, Richard and Judy, Anne Robinson, Camilla Parker Bowles and many many more.

As you can see, if you are against me then you may find yourself in a gigantic spaceship with the most annoying people in the world. If you are a woman you could find yourself being courted by Piers Morgan. If you are a man you may find that Vanessa Feltz is stalking you. Now you understand why I refer to life on board this ship as a fate worse than death.

Anyway, I am getting ahead of myself.

"What is this masterplan?" I hear you cry.

First of all, let me tell you what I need.

(1) A crash course in hypnosis.

(2) An Oprah Winfrey mask

(3) A gorilla suit

(4) A big rubber hammer.

(5) A one way ticket from Manchester to Washington D.C.

(6) An army of interpreters.

So where do I begin?

I did a little bit of research and discovered that “The Leader of the Free World” is some bloke who lives in America and calls himself Barack Obama. He is also known as “The Most Powerful Man in the World”, which is surprising because I thought that was Chuck Norris or Mr T.

Everybody in the world seems to like Mr Obama. I even heard a comedian in Britain say that the person we want to win the British election is in fact Barack Obama, so unless the comedian was joking or one of the fringe British party leaders has the same name, I think that perhaps he might be a popular choice (especially given the three stooges we have trying to woo us at the moment).

I have done extensive, detailed and exhaustive research on Mr Obama and discovered that we have a couple of things in common:

(1) He is in his late 40’s (he is 48, I am 47).

(2) He is a man (I was last time I checked).

That’s about it really.

In every other respect he and I are totally and utterly different. Obama is the epitome of cool; I am a geek with sentient hair.

Mr Obama is so cool that he oozes charisma like I ooze sweat. This is a man who swatted a fly on national TV and joked about being born on Krypton – except I reckon he isn’t joking. He is so cool that my cats watch him on TV.

So how do I overthrow the King of Cool?

First, I must become the world’s greatest hypnotist.

This is the key part of the plan. I got the idea from watching Derren Brown, a fascinating individual who can screw with your mind. Hypnosis is one of his many talents and I have seen him do all sorts of weird and wonderful things to a mixture of people. I can learn a lot from a man like Derren Brown.

Once I have mastered the art of hypnosis and mind control, the next part of my plan is to use my air ticket to fly to Washington D.C. before taking the White House by storm.

How will I do that?

Apparently it is possible to get tours of the White House; I will pretend to be a goggle-eyed tourist (which shouldn’t be too difficult) and once inside I will hide somewhere, perhaps under a table or inside a broom cupboard or maybe behind Hilary Clinton’s ego.

I will wait patiently, biding my time, until I get the opportunity to sneak into the Oval Office. This is where my hypnosis skills will come in handy. Ideally I will collar a lone guard and hypnotise him into thinking I am a cleaner or perhaps George W Bush – the latter will be easier because I’m sure that former President Bush still wanders around the White House trying to find his way out.

If I fail to make it to the Oval office or my plan is thwarted by an over-enthusiastic White House guard-type person then I will have to unleash plan B, my secret weapon; the Oprah Winfrey mask.

I will just whip it out and slap it on – the mask I mean.

Why Oprah Winfrey?

Because everybody in America loves Oprah Winfrey. I won’t even have to speak; all I will need to do is stand with that painted on beatific smile and I will melt even the most resolute concrete hearts. A murderous guard, who is ready to kick my arse into the middle of next week, will melt like a bar of chocolate in a wok when confronted by Oprah and will personally take me to meet Mr Obama.

If that fails then I will have to resort to plan C – bop the guard on the head with the rubber hammer.

Assuming I actually make it into the Oval office and find myself alone with Mr Obama I will proceed to hypnotise him, ruthlessly and efficiently forcing him to obey my every whim.

His first task will be to declare me as his best mate; I will become cool by association and America will love me so much that I will be able, at this stage, to discard my Oprah Winfrey mask.

With Mr Obama behind me, the world will be my oyster. I shall borrow Air Force One and, with my army of interpreters, I shall visit all of the world leaders, hypnotise them using the medium of sign language and mime, perhaps performing a hypnotic impression of Marcel Marceau (which come to think of it might not work with President Sarkosy of France – I may have to rethink my approach with him).

Finally I shall return to Britain in triumph; Manchester will become the capital of the world and I shall rule with a rod of iron, scolding people in my wake, sending all my enemies into space to find a new world to irritate and putting those who cross me on the naughty step in Siberia.

If you are with me say “Aye, Master!”

If you don't believe me, dear reader, be warned! You could find yourself shacked up with Sarah Palin, Kanye West or Richard Madeley on a one way trip to planet Tharg.

Actually, I have forgotten one thing – the gorilla suit. I need that because I like to dress up as an ape.

No, not really.

I will need that to disguise myself when I’m in Mrs PM’s bad books.

I am nothing if not realistic and I know that the one person who can foil my plans is my beloved lady; there is no way she will ever refer to me as her leader – even under a deep trance.

Politics - I Wish It Were Really All Over

First of all I would like to congratulate Barack Obama for winning the U.S. Presidential election and I would also like to congratulate the American people for doing the right thing this time.

Now, finally, it is all over and there is nobody in the world happier than I am. I was in Hong Kong when the result was announced and it was all over every single TV channel out there. Barack Obama’s face was plastered over every newspaper, every single TV screen and there were even pictures of him in the street. Why should any Hong Kong residents care?

At least now I can now settle in front of the TV and watch news that doesn’t include the media circus that has surrounded this election for the past year. I will never see the face of Joe the Plumber again. I don’t even care who the man is. I will no longer have to hear Barack Obama and John McCain telling me that America is the greatest country on the planet. I was at the point where I was going to throw my bowl of cereal at the TV if I heard the phrase “God Bless America” again.

Of course, we all have to have elections. There is one due in the UK in 2010. The difference is that we will only have to endure the endless and relentless canvassing for a month or so. We will know who the candidates will be and we will have to endure lie after lie from each of them as they try to worm their way into Number 10. I will hate it and I will be sick of it by the end. But you can guarantee that there will be no rallies and no Hollywood style razzamatazz (can you imagine Gordon Brown trying to be a messiah to a sceptical UK audience?). We will not hear David Cameron, Gordon Brown or Nick Clegg refer to Britain as the best country on earth or that God should somehow single out our islands in preference to any other country. In fact, if one of the leaders finished off his rousing speech with “Britain is the greatest country on earth. God bless Great Britain”, it would almost certainly result in most of us voting for one of the other two guys.

I will hate our election in 2010. I will almost certainly write vitriolic posts about how awful the candidates are. I rant about them now. I yell “liar” at the TV whenever they appear. I scream “Just answer the bloody question, you arse” when an interviewer asks a question and they evade the point like an eel covered in oil. Below is an example of a politician, in this case Michael Howard, not answering the simple question - "Did you threaten to overrule him?":



A simple “yes” or “no” would have sufficed. And how about this from Boris Johnson (don’t get me started on this buffoon), the current Mayor of London?



It makes me wonder why we vote for any of these people.

So, the US election is all over and we have around a year or so to wait until it’s our turn. I have read numerous blogs from Americans supporting one candidate or the other and now, hopefully, many of the authors of those blogs will settle down and write posts about something else. it may take a while - those bloggers who love Obama are gloating while those who hate him are crying on their keyboards. I'm not a fan of posts or blogs that dwell on politics but I love to read posts about political gaffes so I will continue to pursue such nuggets of satire relentlessly. There is nothing better than a politician, of any party or nationality, that makes a huge and hilarious mistake.

I will finish with more from our very own Boris Johnson, a man who is lampooned mercilessly by satirists here in the UK. Americans have George W Bush, we have Boris Johnson, the Conservative mayor of London and touted, by some crazy people, as a future Prime Minister - I swear I will leave the UK if that ever happens.

Here are some of his quotes:

(On using a mobile phone while driving) - "I don't believe that is necessarily any more dangerous than the many other risky things that people do with their free hands while driving - nose-picking, reading the paper, studying the A-Z, beating the children, and so on."

(On ever becoming Prime Minister) - "My chances of being PM are about as good as the chances of finding Elvis on Mars, or my being reincarnated as an olive."

(On being sacked) - "My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters."

(On voting Conservative – his party) - "Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3."

(On drugs) - "I think I was once given cocaine but I sneezed so it didn't go up my nose. In fact, it may have been icing sugar."

(More on drugs) - “I can't remember what my line on drugs is. What's my line on drugs?”

(On Portsmouth) - "Too full of drugs, obesity, underachievement and Labour MPs."

“Look, the point is ... er, what is the point? It is a tough job but somebody has got to do it.”

And finally, here is what the Governer of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger - the Terminator himself - thinks of bumbling Boris.



I’m sure he was elected Mayor of London as a joke. If the population of London can elect this idiot as mayor then there is no hope. Thank heavens I live in Manchester.

That’s why I despair when it comes to politics. I really do wish that we didn't have to endure this nonsense. I will not post on politics again until 2010 – unless George W Bush, Sarah Palin or Boris Johnson make any other gaffes of course, in which case I shall enjoy telling the world.

Sarah Palin - Go Home

I don’t really like to talk about politics but for once I am going to make an exception.

Politicians wind me up. They always have done and they always will do. I cringe whenever I watch them on TV.

The politician irritating me most at the present time is Sarah Palin, closely followed by her grandfather, John McCain.

When she first appeared on the scene, like a flash from a genie’s lamp, I thought “mmm – she’s nice!” I’ll bet John McCain did as well.

Since then, however, she has grinded me down. As she has revealed herself more and more, she has irritated me more and more. She is becoming like an anagram of her name – “A Plain Rash”.

I don’t follow American politics as a rule and I don’t profess to understand what the hell is going on, but as the verbal sparring finds its way onto our TV screens in the UK it is difficult to ignore it.

Here are some of the things that annoy me about her.

(1) John McCain selected this woman as a running mate having only met her once. Why? Is it because she is a woman? Was the decision taken out of his hands? I have no objection to a woman as a politician but there is something so fishy about the whole thing that American cats must be bewildered.

(2) She is a hunter – or so she says. I loathe hunting.

(3) She has the most irritating voice in American politics. Dogs run around like demented sheep when she’s on the TV.

(4) If John McCain is elected president then this woman will be next in line if anything happens to him.

(5) She thinks that she is a typical American “Mom” but she is not like any American mothers I have met.

(6) She says “nucular” instead of “nuclear”.

(7) John McCain recently criticized Barack Obama for lacking experience. And he thinks that Sarah Palin has more?

(8) Genealogists have recently unearthed evidence to suggest that Sarah Palin is a very distant cousin of our very own Princess Diana. Is this a publicity stunt or what?

(9) Sarah Palin has very little experience of foreign affairs, which is where we would come in if fate conspired to make her President. She apparently only received her first passport in 2006. Being close to Russia does not make her an expert in foreign affairs.

(10) She claimed that Barack Obama fraternizes with a known terrorist. From what I understand, this link is very tenuous, mainly because Obama was a child when the terrorist attacks occurred and that Obama lived in the same neighbourhood as the man. Sounds a bit desperate to me.

I will be glad when all this is over and hopefully Sarah Palin will go back to Alaska and stay off our TV screens here in the UK.

I apologize for this minor diversion. Politicians bring out the worst in me. I’ll have to add to my collection of chill pills in preparation for the UK elections in 2010. Don’t get me started on Gordon Brown and David Cameron.

We're All Living In America

I have a question: Is there some kind of election going on in the United States at the moment? I’m just curious because British news has now relegated the trials and tribulations of our Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, to a supporting slot. Instead, headline news in the United Kingdom seems to consist of four people from America making speech after speech after speech after speech.

Who are these people? Why should I, as a resident of England, need to listen to their petty political bickering?

Well I shall answer these questions in this post for the benefit of my fellow countrymen.

The protagonists are:

Barack Obama, Joe Biden, John McCain and Sarah Palin.

So who are they?

Barack Obama is the first ever African American to be nominated for president. He is the Democrat party presidential candidate and has a smile that could blind an entire Republican convention. At the tender age of 47 he is considered by many to be the new JFK – that doesn’t mean he is taking over an airport in New York. He seems to have a thing for pigs that wear lipstick.

John McCain is the Republican party candidate. He is a little older than Barack Obama and he is of course white. That’s wrong – he is much older than Obama. And you’ll never guess what – he is a war hero. That’s right, he was a prisoner of war in North Vietnam for five and a half years, something he doesn’t like to talk about at all and in no way would he use this for political gain. He should be enjoying his retirement.

Joe Biden is Barack Obama’s running mate and he is not Hilary Clinton. Who is he then? He comes from Scranton, the town famous (at least in the UK) for “The Office: An American Workplace” – for my fellow Brits, that is the American equivalent of our very own “The Office” – it is very funny.

Sarah Palin is from Alaska. She is 44 years of age and is John McCain’s running mate. Apparently she thinks that she is a pit bull with lipstick. She likes hunting and is a creationist. She’s not bad looking actually and I’m sure that John McCain hasn’t selected her just for that reason. He did, after all, meet her once.

Why should I as a resident of England listen to their political bickering?

I do not know why the BBC and ITV media choose to make these people headline news. Not content with listening to Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton tearing strips out of each other for most of 2008, we now have to suffer Barack Obama and John McCain with the other two chipping in.

I just want to hear the outcome. Why not just let us know in November? I know that Americans are fiercely patriotic and this comes to the fore when American politicians rally support. In the UK we are more subtle about it. In America we hear quotes like:

Barack Obama: “My friends we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you’ll join with me as we try to change it”

John McCain: “I'm going to fight to make sure every American has every reason to thank God, as I thank Him: that I'm an American, a proud citizen of the greatest country on earth.”

Personally I prefer the fun quotes when these guys are caught off guard:

Barack Obama: “I’ve now been in 57 states – I think one left to go”

John McCain: “Thanks for the question, you little jerk” (when asked by a student if he was too old to be president).

John McCain: "[Sarah Palin] knows more about energy than probably anyone else in the United States of America. ... And, uh, she also happens to represent, be governor of a state that's right next to Russia.”

Barack Obama: "Let me introduce to you the next President -- the next Vice President of the United States of America, Joe Biden."

In the UK, we mock our politicians mercilessly. I would like to hope that Americans do as well. From what I’ve seen of the speeches, there is enough material to keep satirists busy for the years to come.

From my own standpoint, I would vote for Barack Obama if I were American simply because I fear more of the same from John McCain. George W Bush is not popular in the UK. But despite being elected twice (what were you thinking guys?) I will miss him as president – but only because of his flawless ability to make gaffe after gaffe after gaffe when speaking. It is very scary that this man has been so powerful for the last eight years.

Here are some of my favourites:

"We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease."

“You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.''

"I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe — I believe what I believe is right."

"I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it…I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet….I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't — you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one."

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."

And my all time favourite:

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

I will finish off by saying that I love America. I have visited the country many times.

New York is a fabulous city and my heart went out to the US on September 11th 2001. Mrs PM and I spent a delightful New Year there in 1999 and my only regret was not going to the top of the incredible World Trade Center. My fear of heights got the better of me on that occasion, sadly. I’ve been to New Orleans, Washington DC, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Atlanta, Miami, Orlando, Williamsburg and of course, the centre of the gambling universe, Las Vegas itself. I have loved every place, including less obvious cities like Tulsa and Cleveland.

I will visit America again – Hawaii is on my list and I would love to go to places like Boston and Seattle.

I have been made welcome in every single place and had deep and meaningful conversations with many Americans, when on business and on holiday, sorry, vacation.

That said, I do dislike the hype that surrounds the American elections. It is more like a stage performance than an election. I will be glad when it is over and when we can begin to see British stories when the news starts again. As a proud British citizen I regard my own country as the greatest in the world - mainly because we have the ability to laugh at ourselves, we have silly town names like Sheepscar, Catbrain, Netherwallop and Wetwang and we do not take ourselves seriously.

Good luck to all US candidates and let’s hope Barack Obama makes history. I will see you on my next visit across the pond.

I’m off to watch the news now to learn more about the cosmetics used by pigs and pit bulls.