It’s been a while since I did a little research on the internet so I thought I would fill that gap. It wasn’t long before I once again drifted off at a tangent, having stumbled on a few items that highlighted just how stupid some people can be.
As I trawled through page after page of examples of idiocy, my mind boggled at how these people actually manage to get out of bed and leave the house on the morning.
Here are some examples from the usual sources; Facebook, Twitter, Yahoo and a few other places. Who is the dumbest out of the following group of muppets?
The person who asked if he could pay for things bought on the internet by putting their credit card in the DVD drive.
The person who started an ill-fated campaign to get “Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” banned because he thought it was disrespectful to the memory of 911.
The person who thought that “Titanic” was just a movie and not based on a real event.
The President who thought that Africa was a country.
The person who thought that “#” was invented just for Twitter.
The person who thought that Mount Rushmore was a natural rock formation.
Carved by Mother Nature herself!!
The Presidential running mate who thought that Africa was a country.
The person who thinks that it takes 18 months for twins to be born.
The person who thinks Kanye West is brilliant for introducing us all to a new artist: Sir Paul McCartney.
The person who thinks there are only seven countries in the world: Asia, Africa, Antarctica, Australia, North America, South America and Europe.
The person who thinks that it is stupid to have a button in the lift for the floor he is on.
The person who thinks that it is dangerous to look at a picture of the sun.
DO NOT LOOK AT THIS PICTURE! IT IS DANGEROUS FOR YOUR EYES!
The person who thinks they have no toilet paper in Canada.
The person who thinks it never rains in Australia since “the rain falls into space because it is at the bottom of the world”.
The person who asked “What is Obama’s last name?”
The British person who thinks “Barraco Barner” is the British President.
"My name is Obama Barraco Barner! And I am taking over your country!"
The person who thinks that England and Ireland are the same country and therefore can’t play each other at sport.
The person who asked “Who was the first person to walk on the sun”?
The person who thinks that Christian Bale must be Christian because his name is Christian.
The person who thought that planet Earth was 2014 years old in the year 2014.
The person who thinks that the huge tower in Paris is called the “Ifold” Tower.
The Republican Party candidate who thinks we need Global Warming to combat the freezing snow in New York.
The person who doesn’t know where the North Pole is.
The person who thinks that it hurts to be cremated.
The people in a town in North Carolina who rejected a solar panel farm project because they thought that the panels would “suck up all the energy from the sun”. So who do you think is the most stupid, dear reader?
The President of the United States of America wants to insert a computer chip into the brains of every American citizen so that the state can monitor their movements; of course, he has told America that this will have enormous health benefits and that people will live longer.
It is a conspiracy, dear reader, and proves, once and for all, that The Leader of the Free World is in fact a shape-shifting alien who wants to enslave the world, starting with the US and then moving onto Europe.
He is also the Antichrist.
Now then! There are people who will read the first three paragraphs of this post and believe every single word. For those of you who are reading this sentence, I can assure you that the previous gibberish is totally untrue. Strangely, though, the idea has not been plucked from my own disturbed imagination; it is based on genuine concerns that have been aired in cyberspace.
And most disturbing of all – there are people who take such nonsense literally and actually believe every single word of it.
I am not joking.
It makes me fear for the future of the human race.
Most human beings are of sound mind and can make rational judgements based on the information that they encounter, whether it is spoken by politicians or written in books and newspapers. I have never believed every shred of information that I have consumed; I am too cynical. When I see a politician preaching to the masses, drowning us in rhetoric, I take his words with a pinch of salt. Equally, when I read newspaper articles that make outrageous claims, I am most definitely not inclined to believe a word of it.
I am a cynic by nature and prefer to do my own research and make judgements based on facts rather than speculation or ridiculous scaremongery.
I recently read an article in a newspaper that highlighted the curse of being a literalist, i.e. a person who takes everything literally. The article was written by a British humour satirist who in the past has made totally untrue claims in the name of humour, claims like:
The Conservative party want to reduce the number of characters in a Tweet from 140 to 135 for those people who have fewer than 200,000 followers so that we didn’t drive these popular Twitter aficionados abroad.
While most people chuckled , apparently there were a few people who took this totally seriously, expressing their distaste at the injustice of it all.
Are these people gullible or just plain stupid?
Everybody is gullible to a certain extent, myself included, but there are limits. Some claims may be believable if they are not outrageous but there are some people out there who do take things literally without questioning the absurdity of what they are reading or watching.
If you don’t believe me, just look up Barack Obama and Antichrist on You Tube.
Here are some famous and not so famous examples:
In 1938, many people in America thought that the Earth was being invaded by Martians, having listened to a radio broadcast based on the War of the Worlds. The world was due to end on 21st December 2012 because that was the date that the Mayan calendar ended. I have a calendar in my house that ends on 31st December, 2014. Does that mean the world will end on that date? The Millennium Bug was due to cause total chaos on January 1st, 2000 at the stroke of midnight, with aircraft falling out of the sky and nuclear explosions the world over. I worked in IT and I knew this to be a scaremongering hoax at least ten years beforehand. All dogs in Denmark are to be painted white so that they are easier to see by motorists. The North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has been voted the sexiest man alive. You can charge your iPhone battery by putting it into a microwave.
See what I mean? Who would believe those things?
If you ask Mr Google about a literalist, he will focus on Biblical literalism, that is, the belief that every word of the Bible is gospel (if you will pardon the pun). Biblical literalists are those people who interpret every single word of the Bible and trust everything contained therein without question. These are the kind of people who say that I am cursed to an eternity in Hell for listening to heavy metal.
While I used to be religious, and made to feel guilty about everything, as a Roman Catholic, it didn’t take me long to start questioning the scriptures – and even questioning my local parish priest. Thankfully, the priest was sensible enough to tell me that perhaps the Bible shouldn’t be taken literally. As I grew up, I realised that the Bible in its current form has been written and rewritten many times, and with each rewrite, the basic messages and facts have been distorted and reinterpreted, so really the Bible is not really the same document as it was originally.
I’m sure that if you are a Biblical literalist you will be horrified by that last paragraph. I have actually had discussions with a Jehovah’s Witness on my own doorstep about this very subject. The very pleasant old lady told me that the Bible was a manual for life and I contradicted this by suggesting to her that the Bible is full of contradiction – so how can we take it literally?
Her answer was to read passages from the Bible she had with her, to prove to me that I was wrong.
So I brought up the subject of dinosaurs and asked why they are not mentioned in the Bible when there is irrefutable proof of their existence.
Her answer made me laugh out loud.
“Fossils were created by Satan to test our faith.” “And is that mentioned in the Bible?” I asked.
I don’t want to pick on Biblical literalists at all; it is just easier to highlight what I am saying using them as an example. There are numerous other examples of conspiracy theories that are so absurd you have to shake your head in disbelief when you read them.
But people do actually believe them, theories like:
The world is ruled by lizard people. The Earth is hollow. There is a Nazi base on the moon and Hitler himself flew there in 1945.
The truth is that I am not really a normal everyday buffoon living in Manchester; I am an alien and I have written this post from my invisible spaceship that has been orbiting the Earth since 2008. I am in league with Barack Obama and together we are going to take over the entire world.
If you believe that, you’ll believe anything.
Over to you dear reader:
Are you a literalist? What is the most ridiculous "truth" you have read? What is you favourite conspiracy theory?
I wasted just over an hour of my life at work today.
It was called Health and Safety training. And I think, in order to pass it with a mark of 80%, all I needed was the IQ of a cat; and before you say it – yes, I know I can be stupid but even I am not that dumb.
The web-based course consisted of watching a few videos and then taking a quiz. I would have passed even if I hadn’t watched the videos – the questions were so simple.
In fact, as I watched it at my desk, with my earphones, I found myself chuckling. In order to illustrate how to be safe and healthy at work, they showed situations with people who had removed their brains and consequently stumbled about the place, driven by their own idiocy.
For example, in one scene, somebody had spilled a small amount of liquid at the top of a staircase. The video showed four people, whose combined IQ must have been less than that of a slug, sliding all over the place in full view of each other.
Idiot number one slipped over as idiot number two approached. As idiot one lay on the floor, idiot two gawped at idiot one and then slipped in the same place and fell down the stairs. At the same time, idiot three was coming up the stairs and when he reached the top having seen the other two idiots slip and fall, he too slipped spectacularly.
I had to answer questions like this:
It is OK to leave you laptop in your car with the window open while you pop into a shop. True or False?
It is OK to climb onto a chair with wheels at the top of a staircase in order to change a light bulb. True or False?
For a laugh, I have decided to publish my own ten point plan for morons as a primer for tests similar to the one I had to take. If you are so stupid that people wonder how you manage to dress yourself in the morning, this is for you.
(1)When making yourself a cup of coffee, do not under any circumstances plunge your hand into boiling water as this may cause pain and severe burning and may stop you carrying on with your work.
(2)Whenever you need to go to the toilet, do not wait at your desk until it is too late. You will wet yourself. Always go to the toilet when you know that you can get there without an accident. Such action minimises the prospect of people slipping in the trail of urine that you leave as you run in a state of panic to the toilet.
(3)Do not throw yourself down the stairs. First of all there may be somebody else coming up and as well as injuring yourself you may injure that person too.
(4)If you work on the first floor or above, do not leave the office by leaping out of the window. Even though this may seem to be the quickest way to exit the building, you will almost certainly injure yourself and anybody who is unfortunate enough to be walking beneath.
(5)If you see a fire, do not stand there pointing at it or attempt to warm up your lunch in the flames. You must leave the building – preferably not by hurling yourself down the stairs or out of the windows, as described above.
(6)Under no circumstances should you pour water into electrical equipment to clean it.
(7)However tempting it may be, do not hit your manager with a blunt instrument.
(8)Do not use your laptop while driving. You may crash the car.
(9)If there is a fire, do not stop to make a coffee because it may be cold outside.
(10)Hitting your colleagues over the head with a laptop will injure them. It may also damage expensive company equipment.
You may chuckle at that list but the training I received assumed that I had no common sense whatsoever.
The whole world has gone mad when it comes to Health and Safety. Here is an example from work; I’ve mentioned this before but this time I thought that photographic evidence was required to show normal people how absurd Health and Safety can be.
This notice is on the mirror in the gents toilet at work.
It’s a good job they told me – my IQ usually plummets when I’m in the toilet and I wouldn’t want to spread germs.
Actually, I had to be very careful taking that photo. Walking into the gents with a camera, no matter how innocent the reason, could have been taken the wrong way.
There is compelling evidence that the world is a stupid place and it worries me, dear reader.
I am fully aware that I have momentary lapses when, without thinking, I say something daft. Unlike some people, however, it is usually due to me not noticing my surroundings rather than genuinely being thick.
Take, for example, the time when I climbed on my soapbox at work after one too many comments on a document I had written. An anal commentator pulled me up for using a compressed font in in just one sentence. I don’t know how it happened and I don’t particularly care.
The problem was that it was unnoticeable to the naked eye. The person who spotted it was one of those guys who comments on really minor things that make absolutely no difference.
“How can he tell this sentence is in a compressed font?” I asked.
“He’s searched the document for it?” said a colleague.
“He’s done WHAT???” I yelled.
It was the last straw. This was an internal document and I had violated a minor quality law and was being pulled up about it by a man who clearly suffered from some weird form of OCD. I hauled my soapbox out and started ranting.
I ranted about quality. I ranted about how pointless it was and how it made my job so much more difficult. I targeted my tirade of abuse at a bunch of graduates, who had only been at the company a year. I insulted the very core of the quality procedures. I tore strips of the company’s quality policy. I verbally annihilated the quality department.
“And what is the bloody point of the Quality Manager? That’s money for old rope,” I bellowed.
Somebody behind me said “Can I have a word, Dave?”
“What?” I shouted, whirling around, still agitated and wound up.
I stared into the eyes of the company Quality Manager.
“Oh shit,” I said.
That’s how stupid I can be, dear reader. I was stupid enough to start a rant about a department in our company unaware that the Quality Manager was standing behind me listening to every word I was saying.
So, yes, I can be stupid. But there are people in the world who take stupidity to new uncharted depths. These people are totally unaware of their own idiocy and genuinely ask the most bizarre questions, expecting people to not only answer them, but also simply cannot see why the questions are stupid.
The internet, as you can imagine, is a vast database of examples of idiocy and is full of stupid questions. To save you searching yourself, dear reader, I have trawled the worldwide web to find some of the most stupid questions ever asked. I ask myself whether these people are actually sentient or just ill-educated. Judge for yourself:
“Windsor Castle is very nice but why did they build it so close to an airport?”
“Do they have Christmas in Australia?”
“Which direction is North in South Africa?”
“Where can I download a good webcam for free?”
“Are there any lakes in the Lake District?”
“Does Wales close in the winter?”
“What’s the capital of Africa?”
“Do you have dogs in Germany?”
“Do you celebrate 4th July in England?”
“How do you know what day of the week it is if you are blind?”
“I want to walk from Durban to Johannesburg. Can I follow the railway track?”
“Why did they build so many ruined castles in England?”
“What’s the right age to start teaching my dog about sex?”
“Who feeds the Loch Ness Monster?”
“What’s the difference between Asian and Chinese people?”
“Will I get wet if I go snorkelling?”
“Can your baby get pregnant if you have sex while pregnant?”
“HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK?”
“What do you do with the ice carvings after they have melted?”
“Can I wear high heels in Australia?”
“I made Jesus-shaped pancakes but I burnt them. Am I going to Hell?”
“Which universities play Quidditch?”
“Was the Grand Canyon man-made?”
“What language do they speak in England?”
“Can I get pregnant from a kiss?”
“Is this island surrounded by water?”
“Would it be cheaper to fly or take a train to Hawaii?”
“What time does the 2 o’clock show start?”
“Do these steps go up or down?”
“Which religion has the best hats”?
“How do you get You Tube to come and film you?”
“What time do they turn the Northern Lights on?”
“Can I take my frozen turkey into my sauna to thaw I faster?”
“Does it go dark at night where you live?”
And a couple I have been asked:
“Do they have microwave ovens in England?”
“I’ve been to England. I met a guy called John Smith in London. Do you know him?”
“How many times have you met the Queen”?
There are many more stupid questions that have been asked and many more stupid people to ask such questions in future.
On December 31st 2009, at approximately 23:58, I stared into the eyes of my beloved Mrs PM and said to her:
“My New Year’s Resolution is clear to me: I will not rant in 2010.”
Actually, to be honest, it was probably blurted out at high volume with a lot of slurring and a couple of I love you’s thrown in for good measure and punctuated by the odd belch and hiccup.
However it came out, the sentiment was there.
I was having a great time and I was sick and tired of climbing onto my soapbox. I had convinced myself that I could refrain from blowing my top I was absolutely certain that I would manage to spend 365 days in blissful harmony with the world around me, surrounded by whistling birds, butterflies flitting past my head. I would smile all the time, knowing that I had subdued my grumpiness.
I would adopt the great mantra sung by the legendary Louis Armstrong:
I see trees of green, red roses too I see them bloom for me and you And I think to myself what a wonderful world.
I see skies of blue and clouds of white The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night And I think to myself what a wonderful world.
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky Are also on the faces of people going by I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do They're really saying I love you.
I hear babies cry, I watch them grow They'll learn much more than I'll never know And I think to myself what a wonderful world Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.
My high hopes lasted approximately 365 minutes.
On New Year’s Day, I switched on my TV, watched the news and with seconds my soapbox was out, I had mounted it, and I was lecturing Mrs PM on everything that was wrong with the world.
I tried, dear reader; honestly I tried.
All of this proves that I have a problem; I am convinced that I am surrounded by petty minded imbeciles, bureaucratic morons, stubborn buffoons who refuse to budge and half-wits at every turn.
Some people may say that I am a half-wit and I would agree that sometimes I can be. But as I get older, the world to me seems to be descending into absolute farce at every conceivable opportunity in every single walk of life, from politics to sport, from music to entertainment, from work to travel.
There is breath-taking arrogance throughout the world; evil exists everywhere; stupidity is rife.
Everywhere I turn there is somebody or something determined to make my life difficult or determined to push the button that ignites the flame that converts me from a mild mannered human being into a psychotic ranting animal.
And I’m fed up of it.
Take today, for example.
My work colleagues absolutely love to push the rant button and do so at every opportunity. Most of the time, I breathe deeply and let their taunts ride over me. Occasionally, though, they catch me unawares and I lose control of my senses and rant like a madman. Today’s rant was an absolute belter and half the office stopped work to enjoy my blustering tirade. I entertained the office for a good ten minutes and had most of them falling on the floor with laughter.
You see, dear reader, although I rant, I do so in a light-hearted way that makes people laugh, hence the reason why they are so keen to do it.
WORK COLLEAGUE 1: There’s an email just come in from HR – another belter. Let’s wind Dave up.
WORK COLLEAGUE 2: Crikey – he’ll blow his top. Quick get the popcorn out.
WORK COLLEAGUE 1: Hey Dave. Have you seen the latest missive from HR?
PM (sighing): What now.
WORK COLLEAGUE 1: There are new rules about washing your hands.
PM: WHAT????????????
And so it begins.
Normally I don’t particularly have a problem with HR at all but my work colleagues love to illustrate the most bizarre edicts that come out of the human resources office.
One thing I have a problem with is the name: “Human Resources”.
What on earth happened to “Personnel”? The name “Human Resources” makes me feel like I am a number and not a free man. I am a “resource” to be thrown at a job instead of the expert that will get the job done with maximum efficiency. I feel violated – it’s like I don’t matter at all.
I don’t want to pick on HR at all because ultimately they are victims as well. There is a dark cloud looming, dear reader, and I would love to know who or what is responsible for it. It is like something out of a horror novel – an almost physical entity that touches life as we used to know it and mutates it into absurdity.
Anybody who doubts me, please answer these questions:
What is so special about a person who happens to have won Big Brother? What talent do they possess? The person was unknown when he went into the house and while he was in there did nothing other than try to be controversial, failing miserably. Why on earth should anybody care about anything they ever do? Why are tabloids obsessed with these people?
Talking of tabloids, why do they insult my intelligence with stories about people who I don’t care about and are not worthy of even a passing thought? Why do they build people up and then shoot them down in an instant? Why do they invent terrible nicknames for people, for example, Wayne Rooney becomes Roo or Wazza and we are treated to “intelligent” attention grabbing headlines that substitute the word Roo for You – for example I Only Have Eyes For Roo and Roo Blew It and Rool Britannia – I HATE them. And why do tabloids just print lies? How can they get away with it? Am I alone?
And what about politicians? We have a general election here in England, a party gets elected and then fails to deliver their promises. How can they get away with lying? They should be held to account and punished. Imagine if it were my workplace? If I lied about something so important I would be sacked.
And then you have footballing cheats. Brazilian Kaka sent off because an Ivory Coast player ran into him and then pretended that he been pole-axed by a sniper’s bullet. And what of the goal that Frank Lampard scored against the Germans that was clearly over the line yet ignored despite the video evidence? And what about the goal scored by Carlos Tevez against Mexico that was clearly offside and seen by the entire crowd, all the players and officials and the teams, including Tevez himself and the linesman who didn’t see it? Did the referee watching the screen change his mind? Did he bugger! And what have FIFA got to say? No video technology and no video referee! The arrogance is breath-taking!
And then we have Katie Price and all other famous people who have an army of fans simply because we are privy to watching their exploits on reality TV shows. I take my hat off to Katie Price, Paris Hilton etc. because somehow they have managed to convince armies of fans that there is a point – I just cannot see why they are so fascinating. Am I alone?
Do people take their brains out when watching Saturday night prime time entertainment shows? How can people sit and watch shows like “The X Factor” without throwing a lump hammer through the television? The bulk of these people have no talent whatsoever – how and why do they and people like Simon Cowell get away with convincing us otherwise? It is beyond belief.
Talking of music, whatever happened to good decent music? From the bowels of X Factor we get “Jedward”, two totally talentless twins who destroyed everything they attempted to sing. Don’t take my word for it – watch this:
Even Simon Cowell hated it. What on earth is going on? Is Louis Walsh insane? Britain was obsessed with these talentless kids – they have balls but no talent whatsoever. How can they shine on prime time TV and how can they get a record deal? The world’s gone MAD!!
Still with the music scene – why should a rock singer tell me what to think? Bono makes me cringe every time he opens his mouth to speak. Great singer, great voice – STICK TO SINGING! A mate of mine went to see U2 once – they were his favourite band. When asked if he would see them again he said: “No! I didn’t want to pay all of that money to be bollocked by Bono!!”
I want to eat meat. I like meat. Meat is good for me and it tastes great. I do not want to be told by a vegetarian that I am some kind of homicidal maniac just because I like bacon. Vegetarians have their views – I respect that. But please do not tell me what to do! It is perfectly natural for human beings to eat meat – get over it. Am I the only carnivore in the world who thinks like this?
I could go on but I fear that this post will turn into a book so I will stop for the time being. I do worry though because such nonsense infuriates me, despite my best efforts to stay calm. I am getting better, honestly, but things catch my attention, catch me off guard and light the blue touch paper.
The world is insane.
And I’m not the only one who thinks so.
Here are a few choice rants from a friend of mine at work who, like me, despairs at the state of the world.
He was the inspiration for a blog post from 2008 called Radio Grump FM.
He despaired so much that I had to immortalise some of his frenzied and explosive outbursts for the world to see. I think they are funny – perhaps you agree. If you don’t agree, it doesn’t matter. But I am not alone.
A bit of background before I share his wisdom with you. He is a software engineer, like me, who has a particular gripe with Microsoft.
Enjoy:
(1) Just how thick are these people? I think somebody opened up their heads when they were kids, scooped out their brains and then filled them full of shit!!
(2) I can’t believe they wrote Microsoft Word and then didn’t bloody test it. Maybe it was just tested by a blind man in a dark cellar.
(3) You like Lorraine Kelly? Well that’s 4000 million years of evolution pissed up against the wall!!!
(4) (When woken up by a massive thunderstorm) I looked out of the window and I’ve never seen rain and wind like it. I was beginning to wonder whether I should go out and find Jesus and let him into my life.
(5) You want me to carry on testing this afternoon? Hopefully by then I will have found a spoon to gouge out my eyeballs.
(6) If somebody came up to me and said “I can’t do that because my moon’s rising in Uranus” I’d just punch them!
(7) Yes, there's something controversial about the MacBook Air - It's overpriced SHIT!
(8) Money may not buy you happiness but it will buy you a much better class of misery.
(9) Talking is the only thing that keeps me sane. If I didn't talk I'd have to stand up, pull my zip down and piss on the keyboard.
(10) I think I'll have to phone the bus company lost property service. "Has anyone found a will to live? I had it when I was on the bus this morning but since being at work I've discovered it missing".
(11) I'm going so mental looking at this that I'm thinking of impaling my eyeballs with this Bic biro.
(12) Whoever came up with that idea can't even be fecking sentient.
(13) Is there such a thing as a book called "Idiots Guide To Java" or is that intrinsic to the language?
(14) You can learn to nail you knackers to the table from the internet if you want but that doesn't mean to say it's a good idea.
(15) I'd better get on with some other work before I kill somebody.
(16) This system works on a wing and a prayer – which is not good if you’re an atheist.
(17) Who let these people loose on the human race?
(18) Fecking wankers – the lot of ‘em! I wouldn’t trust them with an Etch-a-Sketch!
(19) These people have definitely been reading Dilbert too much and using it as a manual.
(20) Teaming is not a bloody word, you arses!!
Anyway, I’ve had enough of this nonsense.
Maybe if we all took stock and looked at the idiocy and arrogance in the world we could collectively do something about it. Until then any attempts by me to contain my furious frustration will be totally futile.
Please feel free to let me know what infuriates you. Have you got a soapbox? If so, what makes you stand on it and rant to the world?
I can see a book coming out of this. Maybe I should divert my frustration into something creative.
The problem is that people wouldn’t take any notice of it – until I become World Leader that is.
WARNING: For readers who don't like vomit and poo – STOP READING NOW!
For the rest of you …
What could be worse than pouring milk in your tea and taking a huge gulp only to discover that the milk is way past its sell by date?
What could be worse than digging in the garden, reaching into the soil and putting your fingers in a huge lump of extremely malodorous cat shit?
What could be worse than the above cat shit getting stuck in your fingernails?
What could be worse than stepping down from a chair in bare feet and landing on an upturned plug?
What could be worse than accidentally tripping up a woman carrying four dozen eggs?
What could be worse then finding a huge pile of cat vomit in the middle of your carpet?
What could be worse than failing to notice the huge pile of cat vomit in the middle of your carpet (because you may have left your glasses upstairs) and then stepping into the warm sickly substance?
What could be worse than dropping your toothbrush down the toilet and having to reach in to retrieve it?
What could be worse than being such a skinflint that you actually use the same toothbrush afterwards?
What could be worse than stepping in a huge slimy dog turd, not noticing it, and then walking it through your new girlfriend’s parents’ house the very first time you met them?
What could be worse than dropping your mobile phone down the toilet?
What could be worse than wearing a dress to see the Rocky Horror Show and then allowing your mate to send it to somebody at work so that most of the company can laugh at you?
What could be worse than trying to chat up a handsome man and then dropping your drink all over your lovely new dress?
What could be worse than taking a bite out of a sandwich and then seeing a big green piece of mould right next to the bite mark?
What could be worse than having your beloved mullet cut off because you misunderstood the hairdresser’s question?
What could be worse than using one tea bag per day to make at least five cups of tea because you are a skinflint?
What could be worse than fancying a girl so much that you drink a colossal amount of ale just to pluck up the courage to talk to her and then totally humiliating yourself while insulting her in the process?
What could be worse than screaming like a girl when you see a large spider in a foreign country?
What could be worse than buying a brand new £300 mp3 player, only to use the wrong charger to charge it the first time, completely destroying it?
What could be worse than carrying a tray of beers to a table in a pub and then dropping it on the table, pouring fresh beer on all of your mates?
What could be worse than throwing up on your mate’s lap on a bus ride home?
What could be worse than holding your young baby over your head and being rewarded for making him giggle with a torrent of vomit over your face?
What could be worse than locking yourself out of you flat wearing nothing but a small dressing gown that barely hides your arse, let alone anything else?
What could be worse than being woken up by a huge fat cat leaping down from the wardrobe and landing on that part of your stomach that causes the most air to be expelled?
What could be worse than screaming like a girl when a huge fat cat leaps from a wardrobe onto your stomach?
What could be worse than a man screaming like a girl when a mild earthquake hits Manchester in the middle of the night?
What could be worse than waking up on the concourse of Victoria Station in London next to a steaming pile of vomit?
What could be worse than putting blue food dye in a mate’s beer on his stag do?
What could be worse than throwing up all over a table in an Indian restaurant having consumed copious amounts of beer, some of which was tainted with blue food dye, leaving a huge pile of steaming blue vomit for the rest of restaurant to marvel at?
What could be worse than falling into a river because you took a short cut on a cross country run?
What could be worse than having diarrhoea in a place where the only toilet around for the next three days is totally blocked?
What could be worse than waking up to find a dismembered thrush scattered around your house?
What could be worse than warning your children not to spray sun tan cream in their face because it is dangerous and then promptly spraying sun tan cream into your own face?
What could be worse than waking up and discovering a rat has eaten all of your toilet paper?
What could be worse than a rat eating all of your toilet paper when you have diarrhoea on a boat with the only usuable toilet being the worst toilet in the world?
What could be worse than throwing a glass of coke over a mate, claiming that you did it because “there was wasp in your ear”?
What could be worse than staying at a mate’s house and, in desperation, throwing up all over his freshly washed plates?
What could be worse than putting the wrong type of petrol in your car while you have three mates watching you?
What could be worse that laughing at the guy who put the wrong type of petrol in his car and then doing it yourself sometime later?
What could be worse than having a cat drop a live mouse on you “as a gift” while you were reading in bed?
What could be worse than reversing your car off the drive and hitting a parked car on the other side of the road?
What could be worse than failing to notice that you hit a parked car on the other side of the road, moving forward and then reversing into the same parked car AGAIN!
What could be worse than a woman walking into the toilet while you are perched on the throne in all your glory?
What could be worse than vomiting all over a fruit machine that was being played by a complete stranger?
What could be worse than accidentally spilling hot coffee all over your crotch while in front of customers and then having to walk around for the rest of the day looking as if you have had an accident?
What could be worse than standing admiring a brand new light grey carpet, stepping back and accidentally knocking over a glass of blackcurrant cordial all over it?
What could be worse than suggesting that you throw blackcurrant cordial over the rest of the new carpet to your wife “in order to make the stain symmetrical”?
What could be worse than watching several gallons of home made beer flooding on your kitchen floor when you accidentally tip over the barrel?
What could be worse than standing in front of a urinal just as the water pipe above decides to spring a leak and spray water all over your crotch?
What could be worse than waking up at a strange house with a colossal hangover after a party and then stupidly confessing to the owner of the house that you had thrown up all over his TV the night before?
What could be worse than being given a lift home after a party and then throwing up all over yourself?
What could be worse than finding yourself three miles from home on a Saturday afternoon, covered in vomit, having been thrown out of a car that is also full of your vomit?
What's worse than being sea sick on a ferry and throwing up in the wind, scattering it all over the place (including on other passengers)?
What could be worse than telling the Plastic Mancunian about bad things that have happened to you over the years, only to find them mentioned in a puerile blog post about bad things that have happened to people?
What could be worse than being the Plastic Mancunian and confessing that some of the things above actually happened to you?
Certain people assume that I am totally stupid – and that annoys me.
Last week I popped into the toilet at work to answer a call of nature. I won’t go into graphic detail but when I had finished, I went to wash my hands. On the mirror in front of me were a set of instructions telling me how to wash my hands.
This stupid sign had appeared that day and basically told me in no uncertain terms that if I didn’t wash my hands it would be totally unhygienic and I would spread germs. It then went on to tell me that I should:
Wet my hands
Put soap on my hands (from the soap dispenser)
Rub my hands vigorously together
Rinse my hands
Dry my hands
And there were pictures illustrating each step.
“What the &*$£?” I yelled, scaring the hell out of an anonymous person still in a cubicle. I was doubly annoyed because I have been trying to cut down on my swearing and two days of effort had been scattered to the four winds.
Do they think I’m a bloody fool? I think my parents taught me how to wash my hands when I was three. Do they think that I’ve forgotten?
I needed a cup of tea, so after I had washed my hands, as per instructions, I went into the kitchen with my mug. There on the hot water dispenser was a sign saying “CAUTION: VERY HOT WATER”
I would hope so because in order to make a superb cup of tea, you actually NEED very hot water.
Do they honestly think that I am going to put my hand under the tap and allow scalding hot water to cascade over my skin?
I’m surprised that there isn’t a sign above the toilet saying “Don’t drink the water” or a sign at the top of the stairs saying “Do not throw yourself down the stairs”.
It’s incredible and extremely worrying. Are there really people out there who need to be told these things? Are there any adults in Manchester who need to be told and shown how to wash their hands?
It’s not just Manchester nor indeed the UK. Such signs are all over the place. Here are a few examples I’ve found on the internet:
“Milk bottles contain milk”
“Don’t commit crime. Pay for your fuel”
“Visitors are warned to take every care to avoid accidents”
“Road flooded during floods”
“Caution: Water on the road when it rains”
“Sign not yet in use”
“Warning: Platform ends here”
“Do not throw stones at this sign”
“Caution: This sign has sharp edges”
“For town centre shopping, follow “Town Centre””
“Removing a wheel can affect the performance of the bicycle”
“For indoor or outdoor use only”
“This door is neither an entrance or an exit and must never be opened”
“Contents hot on removal from microwave”
“Always pick up the knife by the handle”
“Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts”
“Danger: Vehicles on the road”
“Warning: This heater will get hot. Please take note and for your own safety do not touch the unit”
It’s clear that the police in my country think that I need to be told not to commit crimes. When I drive up to a petrol station forecourt I have to be told to pay for my fuel. I’m that stupid. Or at least these people think so. How many petrol stations have forgotten to put up sign and had customers drive off without paying? It’s bloody absurd.
Have you ever watched daytime TV? Apart from the mind-numbing banality of the programmes, the adverts are geared towards people with a low IQ.
“Have you had an accident that wasn’t your fault? We at Accident Claims For Muppets will get you compensation.”
I presume that the muppets in question accidentally put their hand under a tap dispensing scalding hot water when there wasn’t a sign warning them not to do so. I’m sure that there are genuine accidents caused by neglect but the line has to be drawn somewhere. I don’t need to be told how to pick up a knife or that drinking toilet water can make me violently ill.
I am not a stupid child (even though I act like one sometimes; well of most the time if the truth be known).
