Alphabetti Spaghetti

 

Welcome to a very sunny and very pleasant South Manchester. The weather has been very hot lately but now the temperature has dropped to an agreeable 25°C (77°F). The air is clear too which is a vast improvement on a couple of days ago. As you head north and west from Manchester, you reach the Pennines, a chain of hills that forms a natural split between Lancashire and Yorkshire and is known as “the backbone of Britain”. Here there is a lot of moorland and last week some idiots started a fire there which nature decided to spread the smoke across the city. At one point, Manchester looked like it was infested with a smog monster and we could all smell smoke. The air quality was extremely poor and although it was hot we were all advised to keep our windows closed. 

Manchester covered in smog

Thankfully things are better now and the fire fighters are hopefully winning in their battle with wildfires around the country generally. 

It’s rare not to have rain in the UK, in Manchester in particular, but we haven’t had any here in the city for 11 days with no rain forecast for the rest of the month at least. While that’s great for cricket, it’s not so good for the local flora.

Anyway, let’s divert from the British trait of talking about the weather and dive into a set of questions driven by the alphabet, as usual they are from Sunday Stealing. 

A is for Age.

My age is 63 years 9 months and 10 days (to the end of today). It’s questions like this that make me realise just how old I am. 

B is for your Booze of choice.

This time of year my beer of choice is usually lager, usually the continental ones. For example, Cruzcampo and Madri, from Spain, Moretti from Italy and Budvar from Czechia. That said, I do sometimes have ales and bitters but I tend to drink those in the colder months. I’m also partial to the odd glass of red or white wine. I don’t drink anything stronger than that. 

C is for Career.

I used to be a software engineer but that role has included more political roles such as Team Leader, Database Chapter Lead (I still don’t know what that meant in reality – it was some bullshit that was encouraged from the Agile methodology) and I’ve dabbled very briefly in Project Management. I’ve also been an Installation Engineer, a Support Engineer and many other rubbish meaningless titles. I was once asked if I was a “Database Ninja” and my response didn’t go down to well with the person who asked it. 

Of course, all of that is behind me because I am retired.

D is for your Dog's name.

I don’t have a dog, unfortunately and I haven’t had a dog since I was a kid. The last dog I had was called Paddy. 

I will give you my cats’ names though: Ziggy and Star(dust).

E is for Everyday Essentials.

Food is essential because it helps to keep me healthy and prolongs my life. Associated with that, drink is pretty important too, such as decaf tea, water, the odd decaf coffee, a mixture of apple and orange juice and sometimes the odd can of Sprite. Oxygen also helps because without that I would probably transition into the realm of ghosts. Oh, exercising is important too and I try to walk five miles per day. Finally sleep helps to recharge me and keep the realm of ghosts away for a few more years yet hopefully. 

F is for your Favourite Food.

I have loads of favourite foods, probably too many to put in a simple question like this. I’ll just give you a few off the top of my head: Italian food, Mexican food, Indian food, cheese, chicken, fish and chips (rarely eaten these days), bangers and mash, paella, burgers (again rarely eaten these days), a full English breakfast, fruit (oranges, apples, bananas) and many many more. 

G is for your favourite Game.

My favourite board game is Monopoly probably. 

My favourite Playstation game is FIFA football (though I love Metal Gear Solid, GTA and Far Cry). I particularly like “open world” games where you can basically do what you want. 

My favourite game to watch is football but I love cricket and rugby too. 

H is for your Hometown

I presume you mean the place where I was born, in which case it is Walsall, a town in the West Midlands, in an area known as “The Black Country” because of its history of heavy industry. It is 12 miles north of Birmingham, 76 miles south of Manchester and 136 miles north of London. It has a population of about 270,000 at the time of writing. 

I is for an Instrument you play. 

I used to play the trombone (from the age of 11 to 16). Nowadays I try to play the piano (very badly) on a Yamaha digital piano and I also make a lot of noise with a Roland JD-Xi hybrid synthesiser.

J is for your favourite Jam or Jelly flavour.

I don’t eat much jam but if I have to, I would probably select strawberry or raspberry. 

Of course, “jam” is known as “jelly” in the US and this has been confusing on my visits there. We use the word “jelly” in the UK too but it is completely different. Jelly is a wobbly fruit dessert that you eat with a spoon. The idea of spreading jelly on a sandwich is hilarious and I would love to see what happens if an American tried it in the UK. For my part, when I was offered jelly for my sandwich in the US, I laughed and said “Why would I have jelly on a sandwich?”, which probably seems an really stupid question to ask in America. 

K is for Kids.

I have two kids. When I say “kids” I mean adults. My eldest is 33 and my youngest is 30. They are still kids to me though, and like me, they still act like kids. 

L is for the Last show or movie your watched.

The last movie I watched was a thriller called “Knock at the Cabin” by M. Night Shyalamen. It was a little odd (as most of his movies are) but I enjoyed it. 

The last show I watched was Daredevil: Born Again. I love a bit of Marvel superhero action. 

M is for your Most prized possession.

I would say that my house is my most prized (and most expensive) possession. 

N is for the Name of your first crush.

I can’t recall which one of these came first but they are all from the 1970’s. 

Agnetha Fältskog

Linda Carter

O is for what you Observe from your window.

I can see my garden. The sun is shining and the sky is blue. 

P is for Phobias.

I am scared of heights, a phobia that has developed over the last thirty years. When I was in in twenties and thirties I loved heights and climbed the Empire State Building in New York and the Eiffel Tower in Paris. The thought of even approaching those two structures fills me with dread now. 

Q is for your favourite Quote.

I have lots of favourite quotes. Here’s one for you.

“I’m not as dumb as you look!” – Stan Laurel.

R is for Regret. 

I regret not learning to play a musical instrument properly when I was a kid. I did play a trombone but my heart wasn’t in it and if I found myself in my 11 year old mind I would scream “Learn the piano or the guitar!”

I also regret not putting more effort into learning foreign languages when I was a kid. 

S is for Sweets.

I don’t eat many sweets but I do like Polo mints, especially when I am travelling. 

T is for the Time you wake up.

I try to get up at around eight o’clock so I can go for a nice long walk in the morning. 

U is for Underwear.

What about it? Yes, I do wear it. 

V is for your favourite Vegetable.

I don’t think I have a favourite vegetable. I eat most things that are put in front of me but mostly I eat broccoli, carrots, peas and corn. 

W is for your Worst habit.

I have many good habits that make my retirement routine enjoyable. As for bad habits – I don’t really know. I guess I love being a little bit lazy and this contributes negatively in my war against procrastination. 

X is for X-rays. 

I have a dental X-ray every year but no others. 

Y is for your Yummiest recipe.

I hate cooking but I can cook. I guess the recipe I use most is a lovely chicken pasta. It takes no time to cook so it is wholly acceptable. 

Z is for your Zodiac sign.

I am a Libra. I am told by the charlatans that believe in all of this bunkum that I am a charming, beautiful and well-balanced person and that I am a king of compromise and am really generous. On the bad side, apparently I am superficial and a gossip and I can’t make a decision about anything. 

It’s all bullshit. 

Count Binface

In the UK we have a political system where any old Tom, Dick or Harry can stand as a Member of Parliament (MP). All you do is apply to the returning officer in the constituency you wish to challenge for with £500 with a deadline of 19 days before the poll takes place. If you get more than 5% of the vote, you get your deposit back. If you win, of course, you will become an MP. 

This has led to some really strange candidates applying to be an MP. Here are a few from the past:

Captain Beany – a baked bean themed candidate from the New Millennium Bean Party.

Captain Beany

Howling Laud Hope – the current leader of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party (and yes – it really does exist and has in fact existed for 44 years). 

Howling Laud Hope

Lord Toby Jug – also a member of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party.

Lord Toby Jug

The Official Monster Raving Loony Party has policies that are hilarious, including recent ones such as: 

• Building a space port in Runcorn

• Deport all MPs who “misbehave” to Rwanda

• Reduce pregnancy from nine months to seven months to reduce problems in the NHS

• Introduce greener cars by forcing all MPs to drive around in fluorescent green cars

• Reduce inflation by giving all people in the UK free pins 

• Prevent identity theft by calling everybody Chris

And related to this, something really funny will happen this summer – and it involves old frog-faced Nigel Farage, the populist far-right politician who is Donald Trump’s bosom buddy. 

You will love this (I hope). I know I do because Nigel Farage is my least favourite MP. It is so eccentrically British and it is why I love the country I was lucky enough to be born in. Here is the back-story.

CROAK! RIBBIT! CROAK!

You may have heard recently that my least favourite politician, Mr Nigel Farage, has been having a few problems. He is currently the MP for Clacton-on-Sea and is the leader of Reform UK, a far-right party whose supporters played a big part in inflicting Brexit on the UK. Now I don’t want to start ranting on about my feelings for Farage because that would become a book but, suffice it to say, he is a big buddy of Donald Trump and supports most of what the Orange Goblin does and says. However, recently he has had some big issues. 

For example, he is supposed to represent Clacton-on-Sea but the constituency hardly sees him. MPs are supposed to have surgeries in their constituency but Farage claims that he doesn’t do so for “security reasons”. He also hardly spends much time in the Houses of Parliament leading to the majority of MPs mocking him on a regular basis for srpending more time in the USA than he does in the UK.

However, a newspaper recently revealed that he received £5 million from a foreign-based crypto-billionaire which he first of all claimed was meant to be used to bolster his “security”. He didn’t declare this which is against parliamentary rules. He then changed his mind about the reason for the money: he claimed it was a “reward” for Brexit and he could spend it on what he liked. More recently he was discovered to have received benefits from a convicted criminal called George Cotterell who served a prison sentence in the US for money laundering, fraud, blackmail and extortion. 

Farage is now undergoing intense scrutiny from a parliamentary enquiry into his shenanigans and has recently tried to hide from public scrutiny by dodging interviews and keeping a low profile, just popping up the odd time on self-made video snippets and also spending time in America. 

Now he has taken a big gamble. He has resigned as the MP for Clacton-on-Sea with a view to contesting in a new by-election - in the same constituency. 

Why would he do this, I hear you cry? Farage is saying that “the establishment” is against him and he is framing the by-election as “the people” versus “the establishment” in the hope that the people in Clacton-on-Sea will vindicate him and his actions and return him to parliament again in a way that is triumphant, allowing him and his supporters to give a bloody nose to “the establishment”. 

Basically, he is used to being in control and has a massive hissy fit and thrown every last one of his toys out of the pram. 

There are of course several problems with his gamble. First of all, if he is elected as an MP again, the investigations into his undeclared £5 million and any other “dealings” that may be subsequently investigated will simply continue from the point where it was paused. 

Second, the other major parties know that his actions are farcical and have refused to put up candidates against him making the entire by-election a complete joke.  

Third, of course, Farage has been in politics for decades as an MP, leader of far-right parties and also a member of the European Parliament when we were in the EU. He is as much a part of the establishment as those he claims to be fighting against. 

The Clacton-on-Sea by-election is therefore basically going to be a one-horse race.

Or is it? 

Enter Count Binface.

Yes indeed, one of the more recent eccentric candidates, County Binface is going to  stand against him. Count Binface claims to be an “independent space warrior” and, because there are no other major candidates, the by-election has become Farage versus Count Binface - i.e. a man dressed as a trash can (if you are American). 

And it is absolutely bloody hilarious.

Count Binface is usually quite quiet during elections apart from posing for pictures. This time however, he has been appearing on prime time and serious news programmes on the TV and radio actually being interviewed by serious commentators. This is a joke candidate with manifesto commitments such as: 

• Ban loud snacks in the cinema

• Force rule breaking cyclists to use unicycles

• Force water company CEOs to swim in polluted rivers to “see how they like it”

• Rename London Bridge as Phoebe-Waller Bridge

• Count Binface to be the UK’s entrant next year in the Eurovision Song Contest

Here he is being interviewed:

As you can imagine, Farage is being humiliated – and I love it. 

Here are some quotes mocking the entire farce:

“It is a farce and a desperate distraction, and the people of Clacton deserve better. But if he wants to spend the summer arguing with a bin, I won't stop him.”

“Labour is not going to be part of this circus, I hear it’s the people versus the establishment, the city trader, Putin-admiring, professional politician who’s pals with crypto billionaires versus Count Binface.”

“Reform are into full PR mode while expecting everyone to ignore their leader being in a two-way contest with a bin.”

Come on Count Binface. 

I would definitely vote for you if I lived in Clacton-on-Sea.

Artificial

Welcome to a sunny and pleasant South Manchester. 

It is the day before 4th July so I guess I should mention Independence Day. 

It’s a terrible film but I love the special effects. 

Only kidding. However, I was once asked on a trip to America:

“Do y’all celebrate the fourth of July in the UK?”

I had to stop myself from laughing and I tried my best to be polite (a stereotypical trait of British people). 

“Er no!” I said with Mr Giggle inside threatening to take over. “It is an American only celebration for something that happened in 1776. We were involved I suppose but it’s not something we remember and, certainly as far as my generation are concerned, it is a meaningless day for us.”

Now, that said, I had the great pleasure of being in America on July 4th 1989. I was staying with a friend of my ex-wife in New Jersey and we had the pleasure of being the only British guests for a party to celebrate the day. I got totally involved and met a load of great people who loved the fact that I was British. I had my very own film crew - well it was a guest with a video camera who recorded me constantly, listening to my accent, my tales from back in the homeland and most bizarrely of all, the British coins and notes that I had. 

Also, one time in Boston, Mrs PM and I found ourselves on the USS Constitution, a ship that was launched in 1797 and used in the War of 1812, again fought against the British. We were in a group of about twenty people and our guide told tales of the heroics of the crew as we listened with interest, until the guide asked – “Is anyone here from England?”

Of course Mrs PM and I raised our hands …

… and were roundly booed!!

I simply burst out laughing because I like a good joke. I said “Well, I wasn’t around in 1812, but I am absolutely delighted that you guys are looking after the American colonies for us – until we come back for them, that is.”

I was happy that the group laughed at my attempt at humour – and I was joking (or was I?). 

Anyway, enough about Independence Day. I will be at a cricket match watching England play India while America celebrates its special day. I just hope that Trump doesn’t mess it up for you guys – or perhaps mess it up even more (as he is trying to make it all about him and not your country). 

I still can’t believe the mess that the Orange Goblin has made of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool in Washington. I recall walking alongside it, again in 1989, and I thought it looked amazing. He has totally ruined it. 

Anyway – to any American readers – I hope you all enjoy Independence Day - and my jokey image at the start of this post.  

Let’s steal some questions from Sunday Stealing. 

1. If you could attend a 4th of July fireworks display anywhere in the United States, where would you choose?

As I said above, I was in New Jersey on 4th July 1989, and I recall watching the firework display in New York. I spent New Year’s Eve 1998 in New York City too and had a brilliant time as the Times Square Ball was lowered in the traditional way that New Yorkers love. It was really, really cold but I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. My answer is therefore New York. 

2. What book are you currently reading?

I am currently reading a science fiction novel called "Anvil of Stars" by Greg Bear, the sequel to The Forge of God, which I read earlier this year. 

I am also reading “Economics for Dummies” but very slowly. I decided this year to read more non-fiction, and I’ve always wondered what goes on in the world of economists. It is heavy going (especially for dummies like me) but I am slowly learning a few things. 

Finally, I have decided to try to finish “Harry Potter y la piedra filosofal” which is the Spanish translation of the first Harry Potter book, the idea being that my Spanish would improve. And it has a little – but it is hard and has highlighted the fact that my Spanish is nowhere near as good as I thought it might be. 

3. What have you been listening to?

I could write several blog posts about what I have been listening to but I will keep this answer short. Here are a couple of recent favourites.

Lunatic Soul - The Prophecy

The Dowling Poole – The Saccharine Drip

Devin Townsend – Home at Night

Foo Fighters - Asking for a Friend

4. What shows or movies have you been watching?

I’m currently watching the final season (4) of Banshee, which is a very violent show about a criminal, played by Anthony Starr, who somehow becomes Sheriff of a town called Banshee. 

I’m also watching The Night Agent (season 3):

The last movie I went to see at the cinema was a couple of weeks ago – Disclosure Day: