The Antique

 I was in Liverpool with my eldest lad and I walked past a pub that I used to pop into back in the early 1980’s. Outside there was a sign that said “Established 1898”. 

“I used to go in there when I was a student,” I said with a smile, reminiscing as the memories of fun nights out with friends came flooding back. 

“Oh really? What was it like on opening night?” he asked with a laugh. 

This happens on a fairly regular basis when my two lads decide that I am a walking antique. I've been called a fossil, a dinosaur and a caveman. I have successfully managed to ignore such jibes, adding "It will happen to you one day!".  

Occasionally, sadly, such things catch me unawares and I react. Usually, I am quite happy to be a man in my early 60’s and mostly I ignore my advancing years. In my head I am still that 18 year old lunatic (probably with the brain of a 15 year old if I'm honest). The only thought that pops into my head when confronted by a reminder of my age is “Oh – I remember that” and it is almost always with fondness and causes me to laugh or smile. 

Last weekend I went away for a weekend with some friends all around my age (ranging from 55 to 66) and we had a good time just catching up and enjoying each other’s company. One afternoon, we went to a place in the Cheshire countryside that is basically a family park or village with lots of attractions, such as quirky shops, various country-based activities, restaurants and bars. 

We popped into a shop that advertised itself as an antiques shop. Initially I spotted a few items of furniture, books and an assortment of household items and ornaments that I would have said fitted into the category of “antique”. However, as I strolled further into the store, I noticed that there were a few items described as “collectibles” but originated from my youth; memories came flooding back. I saw old records, toys, magazines, football programmes, games, books and many other items that I was very familiar with. These were things that my parents bought for me or that they had had around the house having bought them back in the 1950’s to the 1980’s or perhaps been given them by my grandparents, which definitely made them antiques. 

I thought to myself – I really am quite old if I remember these things. 

For example, I flicked through several record collections for sale and saw albums that I used to have from the 1970’s or that my parents had bought when they were young (we are talking 1950’s and 1960’s here). I saw a cutlery set where the handles were made of faux bone ivory that I remember eating with as a kid in the late 1970’s. There were old games, Corgi and Dinky model cars that I once had a vast collection of, and lots of old books by people like Enid Blyton that my two sisters and I used to read. 

It was like stepping back in time. 

And then I thought – “Bloody hell! I really am an antique!”

Have you heard of the term “mid-century”? It is used to describe items that span the middle years of the 20th century from the early 1930’s to the end of the 1960’s. I was born in 1962 so, strictly speaking, that makes ME mid-century. I had only heard it mentioned in terms of antiques on shows like “Bargain Hunt” and “Antiques Roadshow”. 

For some reason this struck a chord and when I returned home, I looked up the definition of “antique” and I was pleasantly surprised. To define something as an antique it has to be at least 100 years old. Thank goodness for that, I thought. Things that are over 50 years old are described as “vintage”. This means that I am not antique; I am merely vintage – and also mid-century. 

That’s a relief. 

Back on our Cheshire break, after the trip to the antique shop, we returned to the place we were staying and decided to play some music with our evening meal. For a change we decided to play songs from Spotify that were number 1 in the UK for various milestones. For example, when we were born, when we were 10, 18 and 21. I have to say that when I heard them all, I started to think about being old again. These songs were all over 40 years old, for goodness’ sake and no matter how good they were, it didn’t stop my age from coming back to haunt me, especially after seeing toys, books and games from my youth in the shop claiming to be antique. 

I’m over it now, because I have been happily listening to songs from the 1970’s to the 1990’s since then and my happy memories of times that were up to 50 years ago are still worth cherishing. I am sure that in the future I will be hit by the realisation that I am an old man now. However, it will be a fleeting negative feeling I think because I have friends who are older than me and I love reminiscing about times gone by. They were happy times in a world that was vastly different to the one we are living in now. 

I am proud and happy to be a vintage mid-century man. 

It's What Everybody is Talking About

I get really annoyed with new phrases and catchphrases that seem to have crept into my life in recent years, usually via my television but sometimes via social media, emails and even newspapers. I promised that I wouldn’t rant but I feel I need to get this off my chest because such phrases are now commonplace and that irritates me. 

I’ll give you some examples: 

“It’s what everybody’s talking about.”

No, it is not. It categorically is not. The only person talking about it is the person who is promoting a new TV show. The worst thing about this new TV show is that it is almost certainly a reality TV show full of people who nobody has heard of, making absolute fools of themselves in the hope that they will climb onto the celebrity ladder at rung Z, i.e. right at the bottom. The chances are that these people will be forgotten in a few years’ time. The fact that this TV channel is one of those in the depths of TV hell is beside the point. Usually, the only way you can discover the channel (never mind the programme itself) is when you are desperately looking for something in the nether regions of the channel list because the main channels are full of cookery programmes or those kind of light entertainment programmes that are full of shiny happy people and make me wince whenever I hear the theme music. Of course, it can also apply to upcoming movies and albums too and nobody is talking about those either. 

“The most anticipated album of the year”

Again, in many cases, I have never even heard of the artist concerned. I wouldn’t mind so much if it was perhaps an album by an established musical artist that had taken a sabbatical for a few years and then decided to jump back into the fray. It usually isn’t. It is invariably a singer/songwriter who writes soppy love songs “straight from the heart” and in many cases the album is their debut. Another related phrase is “Soppy McSopface really bares his soul on this album.”

Usually, such commercials are accompanied by a snippet of a single that they haven’t released yet where they are wailing about a lost love while looking as if they are about to burst into tears. It is never a rock artist, a progressive rock artist or anything that isn’t on Radio 1’s playlist. 

It isn’t the most anticipated album of the year. These are the words of the record company who are trying to con us all into buying it. 

“It’s sweeping the nation”

Again, this usually applies to a movie, a film or a book that apparently is so popular that everybody in the nation feels that they have to have it. In most cases, the item concerned can barely sweep my garden path.

“Manchester United are in the ascendency”

This is a football special and it means, I assume, that in the game between Manchester United and some other team, Manchester United are having a period where they are dominating the match. I have a lot of problems with the terminology used by commentators when they are describing the action in such a match because they use phrases that nobody uses outside their commentary box. Other similar overused phrases are “That’s a goal of the season contender”, “We’re at the business end of the season”, “This is why we love the Premier League” and “2-0 is a dangerous lead in the game. The next goal is so important”.

“Your call is important to us”

No, it isn’t. The worst thing about this terrible phrase is that you have just tried calling a bank or some other business and you know for a fact that you will hear this phrase for the next hour repeated between bouts of terrible music. When somebody eventually answers, I am usually so frustrated and angry that all I want to do is scream at the person “WHAT TOOK YOU SO BLOODY LONG?”. Of course, I don’t. I take a deep breath and say “Hi! I’ve got an enquiry for you …” Sometimes they throw in a similar phrase that gets close to pushing me over the edge and that phrase is “This call is being recorded for training purposes”. Honestly, I think that I would rather listen to the phone ringing continually for an hour. 

“My bad”

The worst thing about “My bad” is that I have found myself using it in the past and each time I cringed internally and apologised for it. I picked it up when I was working and I think I have managed to remove it from my vocabulary now.  What it means is “My mistake” or “I’m sorry”. Why can’t people (including me) say that?

 “I’m going to give you 130%”

No, you aren’t because that is absolutely impossible. You can’t even give 100% of yourself really. This is business speak that makes me yell at the TV whenever I hear it on the programmes like “The Apprentice”. Another one from that show is “Let’s SMASH this!”. Invariably the people concerned fail dismally to “SMASH it” and make themselves look lie the incompetent buffoons they are. 

“Rant over!”

Yes – I am struggling to remove this one from my own vocabulary. When I was working I used to moan about things that annoyed me from office politics to TV shows to politics and at the end I would say this. I sometimes still do and I squirm whenever those words leave my mouth. 

Anyway, enough of that. I’m bored with venting my spleen and I think I’ve made my point. 

Rant over. If I have offended anybody then my bad!