Count Binface

In the UK we have a political system where any old Tom, Dick or Harry can stand as a Member of Parliament (MP). All you do is apply to the returning officer in the constituency you wish to challenge for with £500 with a deadline of 19 days before the poll takes place. If you get more than 5% of the vote, you get your deposit back. If you win, of course, you will become an MP. 

This has led to some really strange candidates applying to be an MP. Here are a few from the past:

Captain Beany – a baked bean themed candidate from the New Millennium Bean Party.

Captain Beany

Howling Laud Hope – the current leader of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party (and yes – it really does exist and has in fact existed for 44 years). 

Howling Laud Hope

Lord Toby Jug – also a member of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party.

Lord Toby Jug

The Official Monster Raving Loony Party has policies that are hilarious, including recent ones such as: 

• Building a space port in Runcorn

• Deport all MPs who “misbehave” to Rwanda

• Reduce pregnancy from nine months to seven months to reduce problems in the NHS

• Introduce greener cars by forcing all MPs to drive around in fluorescent green cars

• Reduce inflation by giving all people in the UK free pins 

• Prevent identity theft by calling everybody Chris

And related to this, something really funny will happen this summer – and it involves old frog-faced Nigel Farage, the populist far-right politician who is Donald Trump’s bosom buddy. 

You will love this (I hope). I know I do because Nigel Farage is my least favourite MP. It is so eccentrically British and it is why I love the country I was lucky enough to be born in. Here is the back-story.

CROAK! RIBBIT! CROAK!

You may have heard recently that my least favourite politician, Mr Nigel Farage, has been having a few problems. He is currently the MP for Clacton-on-Sea and is the leader of Reform UK, a far-right party whose supporters played a big part in inflicting Brexit on the UK. Now I don’t want to start ranting on about my feelings for Farage because that would become a book but, suffice it to say, he is a big buddy of Donald Trump and supports most of what the Orange Goblin does and says. However, recently he has had some big issues. 

For example, he is supposed to represent Clacton-on-Sea but the constituency hardly sees him. MPs are supposed to have surgeries in their constituency but Farage claims that he doesn’t do so for “security reasons”. He also hardly spends much time in the Houses of Parliament leading to the majority of MPs mocking him on a regular basis for srpending more time in the USA than he does in the UK.

However, a newspaper recently revealed that he received £5 million from a foreign-based crypto-billionaire which he first of all claimed was meant to be used to bolster his “security”. He didn’t declare this which is against parliamentary rules. He then changed his mind about the reason for the money: he claimed it was a “reward” for Brexit and he could spend it on what he liked. More recently he was discovered to have received benefits from a convicted criminal called George Cotterell who served a prison sentence in the US for money laundering, fraud, blackmail and extortion. 

Farage is now undergoing intense scrutiny from a parliamentary enquiry into his shenanigans and has recently tried to hide from public scrutiny by dodging interviews and keeping a low profile, just popping up the odd time on self-made video snippets and also spending time in America. 

Now he has taken a big gamble. He has resigned as the MP for Clacton-on-Sea with a view to contesting in a new by-election - in the same constituency. 

Why would he do this, I hear you cry? Farage is saying that “the establishment” is against him and he is framing the by-election as “the people” versus “the establishment” in the hope that the people in Clacton-on-Sea will vindicate him and his actions and return him to parliament again in a way that is triumphant, allowing him and his supporters to give a bloody nose to “the establishment”. 

Basically, he is used to being in control and has a massive hissy fit and thrown every last one of his toys out of the pram. 

There are of course several problems with his gamble. First of all, if he is elected as an MP again, the investigations into his undeclared £5 million and any other “dealings” that may be subsequently investigated will simply continue from the point where it was paused. 

Second, the other major parties know that his actions are farcical and have refused to put up candidates against him making the entire by-election a complete joke.  

Third, of course, Farage has been in politics for decades as an MP, leader of far-right parties and also a member of the European Parliament when we were in the EU. He is as much a part of the establishment as those he claims to be fighting against. 

The Clacton-on-Sea by-election is therefore basically going to be a one-horse race.

Or is it? 

Enter Count Binface.

Yes indeed, one of the more recent eccentric candidates, County Binface is going to  stand against him. Count Binface claims to be an “independent space warrior” and, because there are no other major candidates, the by-election has become Farage versus Count Binface - i.e. a man dressed as a trash can (if you are American). 

And it is absolutely bloody hilarious.

Count Binface is usually quite quiet during elections apart from posing for pictures. This time however, he has been appearing on prime time and serious news programmes on the TV and radio actually being interviewed by serious commentators. This is a joke candidate with manifesto commitments such as: 

• Ban loud snacks in the cinema

• Force rule breaking cyclists to use unicycles

• Force water company CEOs to swim in polluted rivers to “see how they like it”

• Rename London Bridge as Phoebe-Waller Bridge

• Count Binface to be the UK’s entrant next year in the Eurovision Song Contest

Here he is being interviewed:

As you can imagine, Farage is being humiliated – and I love it. 

Here are some quotes mocking the entire farce:

“It is a farce and a desperate distraction, and the people of Clacton deserve better. But if he wants to spend the summer arguing with a bin, I won't stop him.”

“Labour is not going to be part of this circus, I hear it’s the people versus the establishment, the city trader, Putin-admiring, professional politician who’s pals with crypto billionaires versus Count Binface.”

“Reform are into full PR mode while expecting everyone to ignore their leader being in a two-way contest with a bin.”

Come on Count Binface. 

I would definitely vote for you if I lived in Clacton-on-Sea.

Artificial

Welcome to a sunny and pleasant South Manchester. 

It is the day before 4th July so I guess I should mention Independence Day. 

It’s a terrible film but I love the special effects. 

Only kidding. However, I was once asked on a trip to America:

“Do y’all celebrate the fourth of July in the UK?”

I had to stop myself from laughing and I tried my best to be polite (a stereotypical trait of British people). 

“Er no!” I said with Mr Giggle inside threatening to take over. “It is an American only celebration for something that happened in 1776. We were involved I suppose but it’s not something we remember and, certainly as far as my generation are concerned, it is a meaningless day for us.”

Now, that said, I had the great pleasure of being in America on July 4th 1989. I was staying with a friend of my ex-wife in New Jersey and we had the pleasure of being the only British guests for a party to celebrate the day. I got totally involved and met a load of great people who loved the fact that I was British. I had my very own film crew - well it was a guest with a video camera who recorded me constantly, listening to my accent, my tales from back in the homeland and most bizarrely of all, the British coins and notes that I had. 

Also, one time in Boston, Mrs PM and I found ourselves on the USS Constitution, a ship that was launched in 1797 and used in the War of 1812, again fought against the British. We were in a group of about twenty people and our guide told tales of the heroics of the crew as we listened with interest, until the guide asked – “Is anyone here from England?”

Of course Mrs PM and I raised our hands …

… and were roundly booed!!

I simply burst out laughing because I like a good joke. I said “Well, I wasn’t around in 1812, but I am absolutely delighted that you guys are looking after the American colonies for us – until we come back for them, that is.”

I was happy that the group laughed at my attempt at humour – and I was joking (or was I?). 

Anyway, enough about Independence Day. I will be at a cricket match watching England play India while America celebrates its special day. I just hope that Trump doesn’t mess it up for you guys – or perhaps mess it up even more (as he is trying to make it all about him and not your country). 

I still can’t believe the mess that the Orange Goblin has made of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool in Washington. I recall walking alongside it, again in 1989, and I thought it looked amazing. He has totally ruined it. 

Anyway – to any American readers – I hope you all enjoy Independence Day - and my jokey image at the start of this post.  

Let’s steal some questions from Sunday Stealing. 

1. If you could attend a 4th of July fireworks display anywhere in the United States, where would you choose?

As I said above, I was in New Jersey on 4th July 1989, and I recall watching the firework display in New York. I spent New Year’s Eve 1998 in New York City too and had a brilliant time as the Times Square Ball was lowered in the traditional way that New Yorkers love. It was really, really cold but I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. My answer is therefore New York. 

2. What book are you currently reading?

I am currently reading a science fiction novel called "Anvil of Stars" by Greg Bear, the sequel to The Forge of God, which I read earlier this year. 

I am also reading “Economics for Dummies” but very slowly. I decided this year to read more non-fiction, and I’ve always wondered what goes on in the world of economists. It is heavy going (especially for dummies like me) but I am slowly learning a few things. 

Finally, I have decided to try to finish “Harry Potter y la piedra filosofal” which is the Spanish translation of the first Harry Potter book, the idea being that my Spanish would improve. And it has a little – but it is hard and has highlighted the fact that my Spanish is nowhere near as good as I thought it might be. 

3. What have you been listening to?

I could write several blog posts about what I have been listening to but I will keep this answer short. Here are a couple of recent favourites.

Lunatic Soul - The Prophecy

The Dowling Poole – The Saccharine Drip

Devin Townsend – Home at Night

Foo Fighters - Asking for a Friend

4. What shows or movies have you been watching?

I’m currently watching the final season (4) of Banshee, which is a very violent show about a criminal, played by Anthony Starr, who somehow becomes Sheriff of a town called Banshee. 

I’m also watching The Night Agent (season 3):

The last movie I went to see at the cinema was a couple of weeks ago – Disclosure Day:

I Am I Said (Part Two)

Welcome to a South Manchester where the weather has been scorching for the past few days. It is much cooler today, thank goodness. We have had record temperatures for the month of June both here in Manchester and in the UK as a whole. Similarly, last month we had UK temperature records for May were broken. This is our second heatwave of the year and summer has barely begun. I’m not complaining too much apart from the fact that we’re not really geared up for long stints of excessive heat here in the United Kingdom. I think that we will have to start putting in measures because I think this is the tip of the iceberg. I think a lot of global warming sceptics are now reconsidering their positions though some stubborn arses who know no better will choose to believe their favourite politicians (who incidentally also know nothing). 

I don’t want to get started on a rant about people who don’t believe experts so I shall stop now and answer some silly questions from Sunday Stealing. 

I LOVE TO …

I love to have lazy days. I plan a blog post on this in the future but the gist is this: now that I am retired, I have a routine where I religiously try to plan weird and geeky things to keep me occupied. However, there are days when I just don’t feel like doing anything. And so I just do nothing productive whatsoever. I watch TV, I sit in the garden reading (weather permitting), I play stupid games on the PS 5 or just sit listening to music. And such days are wonderful. 

I SOMETIMES …

I sometimes consider taking up my old career but as a hobby this time. During the early days of working in IT I used to thoroughly enjoy writing software and seeing the results of my creations in action in the real world. However, as the years went by, I found myself doing that less and less as a combination of office politics and business bullshit infected my job. By the end I was so disillusioned that I was desperate to retire. 

However, I sometimes think about those early days and how much fun I had and wonder what it would be like to write code again. Of course, I would want to use the latest technology so there would be a bit of a learning curve but it would be fun, especially of I opted to explore the world of Artificial Intelligence. If I’m honest, it is unlikely that I will do it in the next couple of years because I am happy with what I am doing. But, never say never …

I FEAR …

I fear the path that the world seems to be heading down. We live in a world where blatant lies are told by politicians and influencers and gullible people believe them even though they can be proven to be factually incorrect. It might be funny that idiots believe that the world is shaped like a frisbee but the number of people with such outrageous beliefs is increasing exponentially. And the politics of hatred are spreading like wildfire globally. I can only hope that people realise what is going on and take steps to stop it happening in the future. 

However, we have the personification and embodiment of everything that is wrong in the world shitting himself on his golden throne in the White House and I can only hope that this is the pinnacle of the insanity that threatens our world, and as sensible people we react and do something to change direction. 

I MISS …

I miss my sister Julie. She sadly passed away suddenly a couple of years ago. She was only 57 years old. It was a total shock to me and my other sister. She was one of the strongest and most driven people I have known. She was intelligent with a huge personality and was probably the one person in the world most likely to be blunt and tell me exactly what she thought of what I was doing even if I didn’t want to hear it. My other sister does that too but never so forcefully. We used to have deep conversations about the world and its problems and come up with plans to rectify the insanity of the world. I miss those conversations. 

I CRAVE …

I crave junk food sometimes. I don’t eat a lot of it but when I do, it is so naughty that I feel like a mischievous little kid again. The other day, we passed a KFC and I remarked to Mrs PM that I haven’t had KFC for decades. I remember loving it and that’s probably why I stopped eating it because it is so fattening. In my head I was thinking “Just get a bucket of chicken! DO IT! DO IT!”. 

Common sense prevailed but it was close, I can tell you. I might just suggest a trip to the chippy tonight to get a huge plate of fish, chips and mushy peas. It’ll be okay just this once. 

Everything in moderation, right? 

I CHERISH …

I cherish Mrs PM. Enough said, I think. 

I AM IMPATIENT WHEN …

I am impatient when I am in a queue. One of the myths about British people is that we love queuing. I will be honest here; I bloody HATE queuing and if that makes me seem unBritish then so be it. It is particularly bad at airport because you have to queue up to check in (or bag drop) and go through security and, at the other end you have to queue up for immigration and stand like a total lemon waiting for your bags before queuing up for buses, taxis or trains. It’s infuriating and this is why I need somebody to invent a Star Trek transporter.  

Personal Shopper

Welcome to a sunny South Manchester where the weather has improved. We’re due to have higher temperatures next week, starting at 26 °C tomorrow and rising to 30 °C by next weekend (that’s 79 °F to 86 °F). 

England started their World Cup campaign fairly well beating Croatia 4-2, conceding two goals in the first half that they really shouldn’t have. It’s something to work on I guess for the next game which takes place on Tuesday. 

Let’s dive into some questions from Sunday Stealing. 

Sadly, this week, they are about shopping and this is one of my least favourite pastimes.

IT IS SO BORING!!!

I do shop but I rarely go out to do it, buying most things online these days. The exception to that is really grocery shopping, which I do every week because I am retired and Mrs PM still works. 

As you read my answers, here is a song called Personal Shopper by Steven Wilson (featuring Sir Elton John) that really sums up my views on shopping and is very apt for this post. 

Come on, Dave: hold you nose and jump in. 

Shopping Day. What's on your shopping list from ...

1. Target or Walmart, or other superstore?

Neither Target nor Walmart exist in the UK, though I am familiar with Walmart from previous trips to the United States. We do have lots of superstores though, the biggest one probably is Tesco, which is a chain of supermarkets of varying sizes ranging from small ones called “Tesco Local” to huge ones that sell a variety of other things as well as your normal everyday groceries, such as clothes, electrical appliances etc. 

I do all of my grocery shopping at Tesco because it is the nearest but occasionally (and I mean very occasionally) I will go to other “superstores” such as Debenhams, Marks & Spencers and various others. 

2. Dollar Tree or Dollar General, or poundstretcher/99p store?

Again, we don’t have Dollar Tree or Dollar General in the UK. From what I can gather, our equivalent is Poundstretcher and I can honestly say that I have never set foot inside one. 

3. Best Buy or any other electronics/appliance store?

We don’t have Best Buy in the UK either. However the closest equivalents are Currys, Dixons and Comet. Being a fan of electronic gadgets generally I have actually set foot inside each of the three shops and bought stuff from them. I guess my first choice would be Currys because they have the most choice. But then again, these days I tend to look at what I need online and then choose which retailer offers the best price. 

4. Book/music store?

For books my favourite store is Waterstones, which is a specialist bookstore with some large shops in most places. Sadly, I only read books electronically now, which even more sadly means that I have to contribute, albeit in a small way, to keeping Jeff Bezos in the lifestyle in which he wallows at the moment. 

For music, I used to shop at places like HMV or Virgin records. Again, though, it was easier to buy CDs at Amazon, which means adding even more to Bezos’s already brimming bank accounts. Thankfully I no longer buy CDs, choosing instead to add to Spotify’s coffers. 

5. Bonus question! Where do you want to stop for lunch?

On the rare occasions when I head into Manchester city centre to go shopping with Mrs PM (and it is rare – I can’t recall the last time I actually did it), I suggest that we pop into a pub for lunch. That way I can have a beer to help nullify the trauma and tedium of wandering around shops. 

Do It Yourself

Welcome to what is now a sunny South Manchester. It makes a change because it has been raining a lot recently. For example, this morning I went on my usual early walk and it rained non-stop for the duration, which lasted an hour and a quarter. I was drenched! 

It’s supposed to be June. It’s supposed to be summer in a week or so. 

Sometimes I wish that I lived in Spain. 

Let’s dive in and answer some silly questions from Sunday Stealing. 

It’s a bit different this week because regular contributors have each suggested a question, myself included. And, yes, I think my question is the weirdest (as you will see). 

1. Would you rather have every traffic light turn green or always get the best parking spot? (Kwizgiver) 

I don’t drive much these days. If I’m honest, it’s because I don’t really like driving; I never have. However, when I do drive, I sometimes lose patience and feel the burning onset of road rage rising in my mind. This is aggravated by being in a hurry especially if the roads are busy with people who are just pootling along without a care in the world. Traffic lights add to this evolving frustration because, in my experience at least, the number of red lights you encounter is directly proportional to how much of a hurry you are in. Put simply, if you are late or in a hurry, you will encounter red lights all the time. 

The answer to this question is therefore simple. I would always rather have every traffic light turn green. 

2. What's the most difficult thing you have ever done? (Gold in the Clouds) 

That’s also easy. The most difficult thing I have ever done is to climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge. I am terrified of heights and I had a moment of utter insanity and agreed to do it. Here is proof:

3. What information do you know that you are proud of/happy about, but others say, "Who cares?" (Roger) 

This is a tricky one. I guess it has to do with sport and the football team I support. My team is in the fourth tier of English football and they are called Walsall. When you decide to support a team you hand over your soul to them, and I did just that when I was six years old before I knew any better. 

The result is that I support a really bad team who barely win anything. The problem now is that I live in a city that is surrounded by teams that are far more successful than my team. You may have heard of Manchester United and Manchester City. And when I discuss football with supporters of these teams (and other more successful teams), I always try to express my enthusiasm for Walsall. Do they care? Absolutely not. I usually get laughed at or told “Manchester United are one of the biggest clubs in the world. Who cares about your shitty team?”. 

I do – sadly. 

4. What mystery do you wish you knew the answer to? (Myra/Mevely)

Another tricky question because I love mysteries, especially weird ones. I think to be honest it would have to be an answer to the question:

 “Do aliens exist and have they been visiting planet Earth?”. 

I am not one of those people who fervently believe that aliens exist and that UFOs really are of alien design. I just want to know. As a science-oriented person, the truth is that the evidence supports the theory that aliens and UFOs do not exist and that there is a logical explanation for some of the things that people have witnessed in the past 80 years or so. Yet some of the things I have seen on TV programmes are truly bizarre and you could argue that there is something out there. 

It would be nice to know for sure. 

5. What small, ordinary thing brings you disproportionate joy? (Country Dew)

The World Cup has started and I am looking forward to spending a lot of time watching the games on TV, especially when England are playing. Whenever I sit down to watch TV, one of the cats usually sits next to me, almost glued to my left leg like a limpet. On my right will be a table where I will either be sipping a large mug of decaffeinated tea or, if I am feeling a little naughty, a glass of beer. This particular scenario will bring me a lot of pleasure in the next couple of weeks, especially if Mrs decides to join me (she doesn’t really like football) and, of course, England win. 

6. What time do you go to sleep/wake up?  (Annie)

My smartwatch nags me. It tells me when I have to stand up, how many calories I have burned and that my goals (which it decided) will not being achieved unless I pull my finger out. It also nags me around bedtime telling me that I should consider going to bed. If I don’t get eight hours at least (again decided by the watch) then it nags me. 

As a result of this I have tried to placate the bloody thing. Consequently I go to bed about 11pm to 11:30pm usually and I wake up roughly seven and a half hours later. 

7. What is your favourite sleeping position? (Lisa) 

I usually sleep on my right side because it usually helps me get to sleep more quickly. However, when I wake up my position can vary. The only position I can’t sleep in is on my front. 

8. Describe your personal Utopia. (Pandora) 

I have this fantasy of becoming World President and banishing all odious people on a one-way flight into space to discover a new planet for themselves (but not the rest of us) to live on. 

My personal Utopia would be a world where all such people do not exist on the planet. That means no Donald Trump, Valdimir Putin and all the other political arses who cause so much chaos in the world. I want a world where everybody gets on and countries welcome visitors with not a care where they came from and everybody is totally free with no oppression whatsoever. It would be nice to have a transporter device such that if anybody starts to show Trump-like qualities then their punishment will be to be beamed onto the fleet of spaceships looking for planet Arse.

9. Imagine that you have a machine that can create any new invention for you based on your description. What you ask the machine to create, and why? (Plastic Mancunian)

I told you that my question is the weirdest. 

I would ask it to create a time machine for me. This time machine would be indestructible and have all the comforts of home and would be able to take me anywhere or anywhen. To be honest, I would use it initially to go to the future and see what technological innovations have been created in the decades to come and where we are with space exploration and the like. When I am satisfied with that I would then pop to the past and perhaps observe the shenanigans of divisive historical figures like Henry VIII or maybe pop to Ancient Rome and spend a day strolling around talking to normal Roman people. 

Comfort Zone

Welcome to a changeable South Manchester where the weather has changed since the highs of last week. It’s not unpleasant but it is a lot cooler and we have had a few rain showers. Apparently, the weather is more typical of early June – so that’s alright then (he says sarcastically). 

Still, there is cricket going on and Wimbledon is due at the end of the month. There is plenty of time for more intense heat or intense rain and thunderstorms before then. 

The World Cup starts this week in Canada, Mexico and The United States and England and Scotland have qualified. It should be interesting and now that I have retired I will be able to become a total couch potato for the duration and watch as many games as I can. It was always a problem when I worked because work completely go in the way. Sadly, because it is across the pond, it means that the games kick off much later and some of them take place in the middle of the night. I may be retired but I won’t be staying up until 4am to watch any matches. I will simply record them and watch them the following morning. Luckily England’s games are at a reasonable time. 

Come on England!

Let’s dive into some odd questions from Sunday Stealing. 

This time they require a little thought. Those are my kind of questions. I love a challenge. 

1. What celebrity would you never want to meet? 

Honestly, there are hundreds of them. For example, there are thousands who are only famous for being on reality TV shows because their egos have told them that they deserve to be famous when the reality is that they have no talent whatsoever. I also wouldn’t want to meet anybody who thinks that he or she is better than me simply because other people know who they are. 

To those people, I just want to say you are NOT better than me at all. In fact, in may ways you are far worse than me. 

So, let me pick a "celebrity" for you. 

Piers Morgan.

This man used to be a tabloid newspaper editor and has since managed to find his way into mainstream television as a presenter, interviewer and all-round pain in the backside. He is controversial and loves to be so just to stoke division and anger people. A lot of people in the UK despise him and when he went to America the whole of the UK breathed a collective sigh of relief. And then the Americans sent him back! Why?

Here’s an example of why I really don’t like him:

I also wanted to mention James Corden but I don’t want to bore you with the list of reasons why I dislike him.

2. What do you label yourself as?

I label myself as bit of a weirdo and a bit of a geek. I tick a lot of the boxes for both. For example:

• I have worn glasses since the age of eight and when I was eighteen I looked like the stereotypical nerd you find in geek-bashing movies.
• I love science fiction and anything weird and wonderful such as superheroes.
• I would probably have fit in quite well as a geek on The Big Bang Theory (though not quite as weird as those guys and definitely not as clever – theoretical physics is extremely difficult to understand). 
• I worked in IT for 40 years and my degree is Computational & Statistical Science).
• I was really good at maths (note the extra “s”) and I am pedantic. 

Of course, I do have some qualities that are not geeky and weird but if I weren’t a little strange I just wouldn’t be me - and I like being me.

3. You can only have one sandwich for the rest of your life. You have every sandwich-making ingredient known to man at your disposal. What sandwich do you make? 

That’s easy. It would be ham and cheese with tomato, lettuce and mayonnaise. It’s a simple sandwich but I love it. 

4. An angel provides you with a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. What's it gonna be?

It would be beer. The problem with beer is that I tend to drink bitter and ales in the winter and lager in the summer so the lifetime supply would have to take that into account. 

5. Have you ever built a snowman?

Yes, I have. I built one when I was a kid and I also built one or two with the help of my two lads when they were young. 

6. If you could ask your future self a question, what would it be?

Can you look up the winning numbers for the Euromillions lottery next week and tell me what they are?

7. Have you ever baked your own birthday cake?

Absolutely not. I have baked a very simple cake with my two kids when they were young. It was so simple that even I could bake it. The kitchen was a total mess but it was fun. 

8. Which are cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

Dinosaurs are definitely cooler because dragons do not exist. Also, when I was in junior school (that would be aged between 7 and 10) I was obsessed with dinosaurs. At the time, we were asked to write a project over a period of a term about anything we wanted (within reason) and I chose dinosaurs. I have rarely had more fun at school.

I also love movies involving dinosaurs, even the old ones from the 1950’s and 1960’s and I have seen every Jurassic Park movie at the cinema (apart from the last one – I was on holiday at the time). 

9. What do you like about babies?

I recently told Mrs PM that I hate feet – even my own. But babies’ feet are lovely. They are pure and clean and cute. Also, I love it when a baby is just lying there cooing and smiling and giggling. It is such fun to watch them – even better if you can make them giggle yourself. 

10. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. What's the first rule you put in place?

This is smaller in scale to my dream of one day becoming World President and removing every odious person from Planet Earth in a fleet of spaceships whose aim is to find a new world where they can live and not annoy the rest of us. Piers Morgan is the pilot.

So, if I had an island instead, I would banish any odious person from setting foot on it, especially politicians. 

Think of a question you'd like to ask and insert it here.

Imagine that you have a machine that can create any new invention for you based on your description of it. What would you ask the machine to create – and why?

Some Travel Photos - The United Arab Emirates

 

The last time I set foot in the UAE was this year when Mrs PM and I stopped off there both on the way to Malaysia and on the way back from Hong Kong; we had to change aircraft in Abu Dhabi because we were flying with Etihad. In fact, we were lucky on the way back because it was a couple of weeks before the Orange Goblin currently residing in the White House decided to unleash an illegal war on Iran, causing Iran to retaliate by attacking the UAE. The less said about that the better because I could rant mercilessly for hours. 

Anyway, we have actually been to the UAE a couple of times to visit because we have friends who live in Abu Dhabi. I have also stopped off there briefly on the way to Oman with work. 

I have spent almost all of my time in the UAE in Abu Dhabi apart from one day when our friends drove us to Dubai for a day trip. 

Here are some photographs:

A posh hotel in Abu Dhabi

We didn't stay here but we had a lovely brunch

The UAE is largely a teetotal country but it is possible to buy and consume alcohol, especially if you are a tourist. Usually this is restricted to hotels where tourists and expats congregate for a meal and drinks. One of the things that gatherings of tourists can do is meet for Sunday Brunch at one of the hotels and our friends took us to a couple of these. Basically you have a couple of hours where you can eat from a huge buffet with international food and drink as much alcohol as you can as part of the deal. It is not good advice to do this, however, because being drunk is not a good thing and it has been known for taxi drivers to take intoxicated people to the police. It is totally illegal for Muslims to be intoxicated there. 

Our friends have taken us to a couple of these events and they are in extremely opulent hotels like the one pictured above. Here are a couple of pictures of us at Sunday Brunch in another hotel. 

Mrs PM enjoying Brunch

Waiting for a good run at the buffet

Abu Dhabi Skyscrapers

Abu Dhabi has skyscrapers and some fabulous looking buildings. If you have ever watched the Fast and Furious franchise, then you will have seen a couple of these in Furious 7, in one of the more truly ridiculous scenes where somehow Vin Diesel’s character performs an incredible stunt involving three of the above buildings. The Fast and Furious movies really are a ridiculous in scope and craziness of both the stories and the physics-defying stunts performed, but I love them anyway. In case you haven’t seen it, switch off your brain and watch this ridiculous scene. 

And they left Abu Dhabi without anybody arresting them!

Sheik Zayed Grand Mosque

The Sheik Zayed Grand Mosque is a star attraction in Abu Dhabi and is the biggest mosque in the country. It attracts millions of tourists every year and is absolutely beautiful. It welcomes everybody but there are dress codes to respect. I had to wear long trousers and Mrs PM decided to hire an abaya for the visit, which you can do when you get your ticket. I hope the pictures below do it justice. 

A Posh Hotel in Dubai

We also had a lovely evening meal in a posh hotel in Dubai.

Burj Khalifa

I can't believe how tall this building is. I hope I wasn't shaking!!

I still have nightmares about the Burj Khalifa. It is one of the last giant edifices that I ever climbed in order to try to rid myself of my fear of heights. I never used to be scared of heights – it slowly developed since the early 1990’s and now I avoid them completely. However, in a state of gross stupidity, I went to an observation deck on the 124th and 125th floor where looking up was like looking at another skyscraper and I had absolutely no courage at all to look down. There are 163 floors so we weren't anywhere near the top. I was even scared to take the photograph above because not only do I hate climbing tall buildings, I hate seeing them from below. 

Once I was inside the building, I was okay because I can cope with seeing such views a few metres from the windows. The following photo proves that. I was pretending to buy some gold from a vending machine (there is a lot of wealth in the UAE). 

Safe inside! I think I'll buy some gold!

Mrs PM was brave enough to take a photo from the observation deck.

I wasn't brave enough to take this. Thanks Mrs PM.

Tom Cruise is a far braver fellow than me and he managed to do some incredible stunt work outside the building:

He’s absolutely bonkers!! But in the world of AI, I am equally as brave as Tom Cruise and I’ve overcome my fear of heights just for the following picture with my old pal.

Filling in the Blanks

Welcome to a very pleasant South Manchester. I was in Nerja on the south coast of Spain recently and the temperature was a very nice 22°C to 24°C. However, when we returned to Manchester just over a week ago, we were amazed to discover that the temperature was 27°C – and it got even hotter over the next few days, peaking at 32°C on Monday, which is a record for May. Who says global warming doesn’t exist? It has cooled down a little to a pleasant 23°C and I enjoyed watching a cricket match yesterday. 

It’s been a while since I have had the time to answer some silly questions from Sunday Stealing so let’s put that right. 

1. _____ is not the end of the world.

Making mistakes is not the end of the world. 

I speak from experience, here. Over the years I have made hundreds of mistakes and I daresay that I will continue to make them in the future. The one thing that I am certain of is that I usually learn from such mistakes (as the old adage shows). I am also happy to admit it when I do mess up and I wish that certain other people would also do that. 

2. _____ tastes so good!

Cheese tastes so good.

I try not to eat too much cheese but when I do, I always enjoy it. I’ve tried a lot of different types over the years and I enjoy most of them. I am not so keen on things like Stilton but when used in cheese sauce it becomes very acceptable. 

3. Sometimes, putting others first is _____.

Sometimes putting others first is a mistake.

I regard myself as a considerate person and I will always try to help others if I can. The only problem is that some people take advantage of your good nature and I discovered this a lot at work, when helping people who were struggling to the point where I ended up doing their work for them and putting myself behind as a result. I learned that lesson quickly enough. 

4. _____ is breathtaking, really.

Planet Earth is breathtaking really. 

I love this planet that we live on and while it can be inhabited by arses like Trump and Putin, there is so much beauty out there to explore. A glorious sunrise or sunset can actually change my mood for the better. Some of the scenery I have seen on my travels is exquisite, from incredible waterfalls in Iguazu, Brazil and Niagara, Canada to the sweeping fields of Cheshire on a sunny day. 

Sunset over the Aegean Sea

Niagara

Iguazu Falls, Brazil

A view across the Cheshire plains

5. Well, maybe there is _____.

Well, maybe there is a God. 

Or is there? I don’t want to get into the depths of a discussion about whether God exists or not. However, some deeply religious people don’t question it. I like to trust science and scientifically nobody has provided proof of the existence of a supreme divine being. That doesn’t mean that there isn’t any  because we have only scratched the surface when it comes to scientific discovery. 

When I was growing up as a Catholic boy, I was told that God did exist and that I should devote all of my time to worshipping him. I was told that I had a guardian angel. I was told that good was omniscient and that he knew everything about me, including my thoughts. I believed everything the priests preached to me until, well, I started questioning things. 

For example, I asked where heaven and hell are, given that space is infinite. I asked why I needed to confess my sins when God was supposed to know everything that I done already. I asked why the Holy Ghost was a ghost and who he had been when he was alive. And then I asked why the Bible contradicted itself, something I also recently asked a Jehovah’s Witness on my doorstep. 

I have said this before and I will say it again. If God really does exist then all he has to do is appear to me and have a chat with me over a cup of tea. If he did that then I would be the most devoted follower of God on this planet.

6.  This week, my plans include _____ .

This week my plans include going to Keswick in the Lake District with my sister and enjoying a walk in the hills. Of course, I will also eat, sleep and complete all of my daily duties. And, of course I will be at the beck and call of my two furry overlords. 

The Antique

 I was in Liverpool with my eldest lad and I walked past a pub that I used to pop into back in the early 1980’s. Outside there was a sign that said “Established 1898”. 

“I used to go in there when I was a student,” I said with a smile, reminiscing as the memories of fun nights out with friends came flooding back. 

“Oh really? What was it like on opening night?” he asked with a laugh. 

This happens on a fairly regular basis when my two lads decide that I am a walking antique. I've been called a fossil, a dinosaur and a caveman. I have successfully managed to ignore such jibes, adding "It will happen to you one day!".  

Occasionally, sadly, such things catch me unawares and I react. Usually, I am quite happy to be a man in my early 60’s and mostly I ignore my advancing years. In my head I am still that 18 year old lunatic (probably with the brain of a 15 year old if I'm honest). The only thought that pops into my head when confronted by a reminder of my age is “Oh – I remember that” and it is almost always with fondness and causes me to laugh or smile. 

Last weekend I went away for a weekend with some friends all around my age (ranging from 55 to 66) and we had a good time just catching up and enjoying each other’s company. One afternoon, we went to a place in the Cheshire countryside that is basically a family park or village with lots of attractions, such as quirky shops, various country-based activities, restaurants and bars. 

We popped into a shop that advertised itself as an antiques shop. Initially I spotted a few items of furniture, books and an assortment of household items and ornaments that I would have said fitted into the category of “antique”. However, as I strolled further into the store, I noticed that there were a few items described as “collectibles” but originated from my youth; memories came flooding back. I saw old records, toys, magazines, football programmes, games, books and many other items that I was very familiar with. These were things that my parents bought for me or that they had had around the house having bought them back in the 1950’s to the 1980’s or perhaps been given them by my grandparents, which definitely made them antiques. 

I thought to myself – I really am quite old if I remember these things. 

For example, I flicked through several record collections for sale and saw albums that I used to have from the 1970’s or that my parents had bought when they were young (we are talking 1950’s and 1960’s here). I saw a cutlery set where the handles were made of faux bone ivory that I remember eating with as a kid in the late 1970’s. There were old games, Corgi and Dinky model cars that I once had a vast collection of, and lots of old books by people like Enid Blyton that my two sisters and I used to read. 

It was like stepping back in time. 

And then I thought – “Bloody hell! I really am an antique!”

Have you heard of the term “mid-century”? It is used to describe items that span the middle years of the 20th century from the early 1930’s to the end of the 1960’s. I was born in 1962 so, strictly speaking, that makes ME mid-century. I had only heard it mentioned in terms of antiques on shows like “Bargain Hunt” and “Antiques Roadshow”. 

For some reason this struck a chord and when I returned home, I looked up the definition of “antique” and I was pleasantly surprised. To define something as an antique it has to be at least 100 years old. Thank goodness for that, I thought. Things that are over 50 years old are described as “vintage”. This means that I am not antique; I am merely vintage – and also mid-century. 

That’s a relief. 

Back on our Cheshire break, after the trip to the antique shop, we returned to the place we were staying and decided to play some music with our evening meal. For a change we decided to play songs from Spotify that were number 1 in the UK for various milestones. For example, when we were born, when we were 10, 18 and 21. I have to say that when I heard them all, I started to think about being old again. These songs were all over 40 years old, for goodness’ sake and no matter how good they were, it didn’t stop my age from coming back to haunt me, especially after seeing toys, books and games from my youth in the shop claiming to be antique. 

I’m over it now, because I have been happily listening to songs from the 1970’s to the 1990’s since then and my happy memories of times that were up to 50 years ago are still worth cherishing. I am sure that in the future I will be hit by the realisation that I am an old man now. However, it will be a fleeting negative feeling I think because I have friends who are older than me and I love reminiscing about times gone by. They were happy times in a world that was vastly different to the one we are living in now. 

I am proud and happy to be a vintage mid-century man. 

It's What Everybody is Talking About

I get really annoyed with new phrases and catchphrases that seem to have crept into my life in recent years, usually via my television but sometimes via social media, emails and even newspapers. I promised that I wouldn’t rant but I feel I need to get this off my chest because such phrases are now commonplace and that irritates me. 

I’ll give you some examples: 

“It’s what everybody’s talking about.”

No, it is not. It categorically is not. The only person talking about it is the person who is promoting a new TV show. The worst thing about this new TV show is that it is almost certainly a reality TV show full of people who nobody has heard of, making absolute fools of themselves in the hope that they will climb onto the celebrity ladder at rung Z, i.e. right at the bottom. The chances are that these people will be forgotten in a few years’ time. The fact that this TV channel is one of those in the depths of TV hell is beside the point. Usually, the only way you can discover the channel (never mind the programme itself) is when you are desperately looking for something in the nether regions of the channel list because the main channels are full of cookery programmes or those kind of light entertainment programmes that are full of shiny happy people and make me wince whenever I hear the theme music. Of course, it can also apply to upcoming movies and albums too and nobody is talking about those either. 

“The most anticipated album of the year”

Again, in many cases, I have never even heard of the artist concerned. I wouldn’t mind so much if it was perhaps an album by an established musical artist that had taken a sabbatical for a few years and then decided to jump back into the fray. It usually isn’t. It is invariably a singer/songwriter who writes soppy love songs “straight from the heart” and in many cases the album is their debut. Another related phrase is “Soppy McSopface really bares his soul on this album.”

Usually, such commercials are accompanied by a snippet of a single that they haven’t released yet where they are wailing about a lost love while looking as if they are about to burst into tears. It is never a rock artist, a progressive rock artist or anything that isn’t on Radio 1’s playlist. 

It isn’t the most anticipated album of the year. These are the words of the record company who are trying to con us all into buying it. 

“It’s sweeping the nation”

Again, this usually applies to a movie, a film or a book that apparently is so popular that everybody in the nation feels that they have to have it. In most cases, the item concerned can barely sweep my garden path.

“Manchester United are in the ascendency”

This is a football special and it means, I assume, that in the game between Manchester United and some other team, Manchester United are having a period where they are dominating the match. I have a lot of problems with the terminology used by commentators when they are describing the action in such a match because they use phrases that nobody uses outside their commentary box. Other similar overused phrases are “That’s a goal of the season contender”, “We’re at the business end of the season”, “This is why we love the Premier League” and “2-0 is a dangerous lead in the game. The next goal is so important”.

“Your call is important to us”

No, it isn’t. The worst thing about this terrible phrase is that you have just tried calling a bank or some other business and you know for a fact that you will hear this phrase for the next hour repeated between bouts of terrible music. When somebody eventually answers, I am usually so frustrated and angry that all I want to do is scream at the person “WHAT TOOK YOU SO BLOODY LONG?”. Of course, I don’t. I take a deep breath and say “Hi! I’ve got an enquiry for you …” Sometimes they throw in a similar phrase that gets close to pushing me over the edge and that phrase is “This call is being recorded for training purposes”. Honestly, I think that I would rather listen to the phone ringing continually for an hour. 

“My bad”

The worst thing about “My bad” is that I have found myself using it in the past and each time I cringed internally and apologised for it. I picked it up when I was working and I think I have managed to remove it from my vocabulary now.  What it means is “My mistake” or “I’m sorry”. Why can’t people (including me) say that?

 “I’m going to give you 130%”

No, you aren’t because that is absolutely impossible. You can’t even give 100% of yourself really. This is business speak that makes me yell at the TV whenever I hear it on the programmes like “The Apprentice”. Another one from that show is “Let’s SMASH this!”. Invariably the people concerned fail dismally to “SMASH it” and make themselves look lie the incompetent buffoons they are. 

“Rant over!”

Yes – I am struggling to remove this one from my own vocabulary. When I was working I used to moan about things that annoyed me from office politics to TV shows to politics and at the end I would say this. I sometimes still do and I squirm whenever those words leave my mouth. 

Anyway, enough of that. I’m bored with venting my spleen and I think I’ve made my point. 

Rant over. If I have offended anybody then my bad!

Some Travel Photos - Australia

 

In my last post, I mentioned that I have visited a grand total of 41 countries in my life. It all started when I was 20 years old and travelled to Europe with an Interrail ticket which allowed me and my mate to travel around Europe on train. Since then, I have been all over the world and I thought that I would share some photos we took on some of those journeys. 

The first I am going to cover is Australia. 

We travelled there with Mrs PM’s mother who at the time was celebrating her 60th birthday. It was way back in 2005 and England had just beaten Australia in the Ashes. I was hoping to exchange some banter with Australians that I met. I did, of course, and it was all good fun because Australians and British people share the same sense of humour.  

The opening photo above is the sun rising over the Coral Sea  at about 6am. This is one time that jet lag was useful.

Here are a few other boring photos from the trip.

Plastic Mancunian meets Koala

"What kind of creature is this?" asks the koala

There are numerous horrible creatures in Australia and when I arrived there, I was very nervous about meeting any of the spiders, snakes, sharks or crocodiles that live there. However, I didn’t mind meeting a Koala because they look cute and cuddly. 

And they are. 

However, the one I was holding didn’t smell too good (he probably thought the same about me). The above photo was taken in Kuranda National Park in Queensland. 

Plastic Mancunian on a Train

Don't lean out of the window!

In the same place, we took a train ride. It was so hot in Queensland that I needed a hat and I bought the one I am wearing in Port Douglas. I still have that hat today and I still wear it when on holiday. It’s comfortable and washable and can be packed easily. 

Mrs PM in the Coral Sea

A female Mancunian interloper

Mrs PM is very brave, and she wanted to see the Great Barrier Reef. I did some research and when I discovered that there were box jellyfish living there and, worse, an evil little bugger called an irukandji jellyfish, both of which could sting life out of you, I decided to stay above water and just take pictures. For such creatures, the sea is their realm and we don’t belong there. I guess stinging us is their way of saying “go away and leave us alone!” 

Mrs PM didn’t get stung thankfully and she enjoyed her little swim with the wildlife. 

Brisbane

A lovely view of Brisbane

Our trip to Australia began in Port Douglas and Cairns but after that we caught a flight to Brisbane and I remember the flight because we saw a lot of the city from above. Talking of which, here is a great view of the city from Mount Coot-Tha just to the west of Brisbane. 

"In the Navy - you can sail the seven seas ..."

And later we caught an impromptu navy band in the city centre.

Byron Bay 

A white lighthouse

"Go East ..."

After Brisbane we hired a car and spent the next week or so driving the 1000km south to Sydney. Along the way, we stopped at Surfer’s Paradise and visited Byron Bay and the lighthouse on Cape Byron, which is the most easterly point of Australia. 

Sydney

We stayed at a few more places on the way south, such as Coff’s Harbour, Nambucca Heads,  Port Stephens and Pokolbin in the Hunter Valley where we sampled some fine Australian wines. The journey to Sydney took a week or so and we stayed in Darling Harbour and became total tourists. We wandered around the city, visited the zoo and took a boat ride. 

I celebrated my 43rd birthday in Sydney. 

Here are a few photos I took.

A giant coathanger

The same giant coathanger as seen from The Rocks

A place where opera singers ply their trade

I won an Oscar (in my head)

I won an Oscar for my performance on Tuesday 11th October 2005. 

It was the day when I convinced, Mrs PM and a group of stranger that I actually enjoyed climbing the Sydney Harbour Bridge, even though I am terrified of heights. 

You don’t believe me? 

Here I am with Mrs PM at the top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge and I look as though I am as happy as I can possibly be. 

The truth is that I was absolutely screaming with terror inside. Why do you think I am hanging onto Mrs PM for dear life?

A happy Mancunian and her terrified partner

And the Oscar goes to the Plastic Mancunian (thanks to AI).

"I'd like to thank nobody because I'm too terrifed to speak"