Monday, 23 March 2009

Chuck Norris Versus Mr T

I am going to attempt to answer an impossible question. The greatest minds on the planet have been debating the answer since the eighties and have failed miserably. But I, a mere mortal from Manchester, have succeeded where they have failed.

The question is:

Who is the greatest: Chuck Norris or Mr T?

Before I answer I have a couple of things to say. Both men have been involved in some of the best movie fights ever. Chuck Norris took on Bruce Lee in arguably the greatest martial arts battle ever seen on the screen in Way Of The Dragon. Chuck Norris lost unfortunately (but fear not – he was paid to throw the fight).

Mr T positively mauled Silvester Stallone in Rocky III, the only time I’ve seen Rocky Balboa battered to a pulp. Of course, towards the end of the film, Stallone got his revenge by pretending to be a tiger (Mr T was also paid to throw the fight).

A couple of years ago, I was at the Manchester Evening News Arena, waiting to see a concert when all of a sudden, Chuck Norris came to my attention. He wasn’t actually present but there were clearly a few fans in the crowd. How do I know? Well, at the venue, it is possible to send SMS messages to a number and have your messages displayed on the scoreboard there. Usually you end up with utter bilge like:

Frank luvs Rachel xxx

However, on this particular evening, people were sending rather bizarre messages like:

Chuck Norris counted to infinity – TWICE

Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head

Well I have to tell you, I was impressed. And I have discovered that there are a lot more facts about Chuck Norris. Here are a few of my favourites:

Chuck Norris never sleeps – he waits

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors

Ghosts are caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than the Grim Reaper can process them

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain

Chuck Norris doesn’t do press-ups. He pushes the earth down

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle

Chuck Norris died ten years ago but the Grim Reaper is too afraid to tell him

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse

Chuck Norris is the only man on earth who can kick you in the back of the face

Chuck Norris can punch a man in the soul

But what about Mr T? Are there similar facts about the mean machine that kicked Stallone’s bottom? Yes there are – here are twelve of the best:

Mr T does not break wind – he destroys it

Mr T destroyed the periodic table because he only recognises the element of surprise

Mr T is so scary that his hair is afraid to grow. The only reason he has a Mohawk is because it’s in his blind spot

Mr T invented the IQ testing system so that he could pity the fools more accurately

Mr T once won the Olympics – all of them

Mr T and Superman once fought for a bet. The loser had to wear their underpants on the outside

Mr T can beat a wall at tennis

The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Mr T’s neck was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox

Mr T once pitied the Sun – an Ice Age followed

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse because Mr T is going to walk

Mr T once bit off more than he could chew. He ate it anyway.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

So who is better? Both have kicked bums in films and both appear to be the best of the best of the best of the best. In order to decide we have to look further than films – we have to look to television. In the interests of research I recently watched episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger and The A-Team.

First, I was amazed to discover that Walker, Texas Ranger ran for eight seasons and finished in 2001. That means somebody must have enjoyed it. In the episode I saw it was basically Chuck Norris as the good guy, protecting innocent people by kicking the backsides of bad guys into the middle of next week’s episode, barely breaking a sweat as the sole of his boot lifted his poor victims a few feet off the ground. I can see where the Chuck Norris facts come from. I know that if I were a bad guy intent on breaking the law in the United States, I would think twice about heading to Texas to do so.

Sadly, for Chuck Norris, I have to admit that I loved The A-Team. It wasn’t just the fact that Mr T played the meanest man in America; I loved the humour, the insanity of Howling Mad Murdoch, the way the team were locked in a garage full of enough junk to build a spaceship (thought they always chose to build a tank), the verbal sparring between Murdoch and Mr T, the way Hannibal Smith, clearly an old man, could kick bottom while calling the villains sleazeballs and chewing on a cigar, the way Face could con anybody out of anything, and best of all, the fact that they never ever killed anybody, despite firing hundreds of bullets and the way B.A. had to be drugged to fly. Each episode was totally predictable; the A-Team would come up against really bad people victimising vulnerable but weak good guys who were heroes in a previous life. The victims would include a lovely woman who would end up having a fling with Face, or on occasion one of the others. At the end of the show, a car driven by a bad guy would be flipped over by a well placed grenade and the villains would crawl out shaken but uninjured. It was simple and thoroughly enjoyable.

For that reason alone, I have to side with Mr T, a man who showed that he was so tough but had a heart made of more gold than he wore. And he was funny, particularly when dealing with Murdoch.

More than anything else, however, Mr T has recently appeared once more on our screens in commercials for the chocolate bar Snickers and they are hilarious. Here they are:

In conclusion, I think you know who I consider to be the greatest. The answer is (cue fanfare):

Mr T

Chuck Norris has kicked a lot of bottom but Mr T was in the A-Team and has enough catchphrases to defeat an army of bad guys.

Please don’t tell Chuck Norris about this post. I really don’t want to have my door kicked down, the back of my face kicked and my soul punched.

I'm off to get some nuts!


Da Old Man said...

I'll have to disagree. While Mr T was/is awesome, he's no Chuck Norris. I tried to find Chuck Norris once by using Google. It is eerie.
Just type "find Chuck Norris"

Anonymous said...

I'm with you, PM, especially following the excellent Snickers commercials! Those are hilarious!

And of course I have to crack up each time I hear "I pity da fool..." :o)

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi old man,

That IS eerie and now I'm scared, particularly the "he finds you" warning.

Maybe I should hire the A-Team to protect me. What a monumental battle that will be.




Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Holly,

The best quote is from the first Snickers commercial

"If I ever catch you acting like a crazy fool again, you're gonna meet my friend PAAIIINNNNN!!!"

One of the best commercials ever. I howl every time I see it.




Anonymous said...

Okay, I read this WHOLE thing!! LOL! And I must admit I AM impressed with your detailed report and in depth research, BUT in the end what it really came down to for me was Good ol' Chucky boy is a stud. Now from a woman's point of view he wins hands down!!! LOLOLOL!!!

Now see, if you'd had me write this for you I could have saved your a whole day. I would have written:

"Chuck Norris Versus Mr T"
Chuck is the "man" cause he a hunk!

End of story


Aaaah the simple minds of women. LOL!!!!

Plastic Mancunian said...

Ah Robin,

Of course, as you can imagine, I don't see these two tough guys through the eyes of a lady.

I can't possibly comment on whether Chuck is a hunk.





Anonymous said...

Mr T wins? Don't make me laugh. Every week in The A-Team he was beaten by a glass of milk.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Anonymous,

Ah - but, just like Rocky III, he is paid to be beaten by a glass of milk.

You don't really think that Mr T is afraid of flying do you?