Miscellaneous Questions

 

Welcome to a snowy South Manchester on day 317 of Covid-19 restrictions. I woke up this morning to see a fairly heavy snowstorm dumping its wares on the streets of the city. We don’t usually get a lot of snow here so it is a bit of a surprise to be honest. We went for a small walk and I am pleased to say that the snow has now stopped and is starting to melt. You may think I am being miserable but I hate snow and when it arrives, I can’t wait to see the back of it. If the temperature rises or it starts to rain, then the snow will disappear. Let’s hope so.

I am going to return to writing silly posts sometime next week, a return to the bilge that I have been writing since 2008, when I first decided to start pouring my nonsense into cyberspace. There are 809 posts out there in the name of the Plastic Mancunian, not including this one, so there is plenty out there to enjoy (or not as the case may be).

In the meantime, I shall continue to answer silly questions for Sunday Stealing.

Shell we dive in?

1.Which is more romantic: an expensive, glittering bouquet OR flowers that were handpicked as they grew beside the parkway?

I have to confess that I have no idea. I am a man and I have never understood the appeal of receiving flowers, whether a huge glittering, arranged bunch of expensive flowers or a sad bunch of wild flowers lovingly picked from a roadside. What I do know is that a bunch of flowers is pleasing to the female of the species and as such I know that I can accrue a houseful of Brownie Points by presenting such to the women in my life. I would hazard a guess that an expensively arranged bunch are more appealing and so that is what I would buy.  

2.Do you know yourself well enough to understand why you feel the way you do?

Absolutely. I question my feelings all the time. For example, at the moment I starting to come out of the January blues because the days are getting longer and we are edging towards the end of the worst month of the year. I feel this way every year at this time and it is a combination of being far away in time from the summer, the cold days and even colder nights and the sheer boredom of not being able to do anything exciting. To be honest, the current lockdown doesn’t make a difference because I would be doing nothing anyway in this month. Conversely, when I am happy, I know exactly why and being happy is my usual frame of mind even in the current circumstances.

3.Which do you do more often: let movies, songs and books put your feelings into words for you or put your feelings into words by yourself?

I regard certain songs as being full of poetry; some words written by certain songwriters can express my feelings far better than I can. The same goes for books and films; the people who write them are generally very good wordsmiths, far better than I am at articulating feelings. 

That said, I do have my moments and, sometimes, I can make people laugh or think with a phrase or sentence that my weird mind has somehow constructed and exposed to the world. 

4.Do you believe celebrities when they are endorsing a product?

Absolutely not. For example, I love Mr T and (I may have said this before) I would love to have a SatNav with his voice. Can you imagine that?

“Turn left, fool!” 

“Quit your jibber-jabber and make sure you turn right in 100 yards.”

As much as I love him, I can’t believe for one second that he eats Snickers on a regular basis – if at all.

5.What kind of movies do you wish were made more often?

I can’t get enough science-fiction and superhero films. You may think that is sad but I am a geek and I don’t care. There have been a plethora of them over the last few years but I want more. More Star Trek, more aliens and more Marvel/DC. Bring it on.

6.Does fashion matter to you?

Absolutely not. 

In fact I think fashion is a ridiculous thing that can some people into arses. Some people want to be seen wearing the latest clothes, no matter how expensive they are or ridiculous they look, just to get one up on their friends. 

“Ooohhh! Look at my Gucci shoes. They cost £500 – I am soooooo pleased with them.”

Me? I just buy and wear what I like, although Mrs PM does have a say. But even then I won’t buy an overpriced T-shirt just to please her. 

7.Should politicians be held to the same legal standards as everyone else?

Absolutely. For example, in my opinion, Donald Trump should be investigated and tried for some of the things he has done in his tenure of the White House, particularly his alleged tax-dodging and his alleged incitement of a mob of nutters to move on the Capitol Building.

8. If you became president, whom would you invite to sing at your inauguration?

I would invite lesser known artists that I love, like Riverside, Devin Townsend and Steven Wilson. 

Oh – and the Foo Fighters because Dave Grohl is the nicest guy in rock. And Nine Inch Nails too.

9. Do you try to write/say what you are feeling in a true and simple way?

Yes – how else can you let people know?

10.What is your worst daily habit?

As I said in last week’s questions, I love the night and the day and if I could, I would give up sleeping so that I can enjoy as much as I can. Consequently I have to force myself to go to bed sometimes so that I can get enough sleep to be refreshed the next day. It is a habit that I can achieve on school nights (Sunday to Thursday) but I usually stay up too late at the weekend and am annoyed with myself for getting up later on Saturday and Sunday.

11.If you had your choice which one TV show would you have cancelled?

Mrs Brown’s Boys. 

You may not have heard of it if you are outside the UK but this so-called comedy show is prime time on Saturday night and Christmas day. It has also spawned a chat show of sorts called All Round to Mrs Brown’s.

It was recommended to me by my step-sister-in-law who is a very intelligent woman, a detective constable in the police no less. “It’s the funniest show on TV!” she proclaimed. I watched it for about ten minutes before I switched it off in disgust. It was not funny at all. 

Mrs Brown is played by an Irish comedian called Brendan O’Carroll who dons a wig to become the titular woman. 

I just don’t understand why it is so popular.

12.Do you like the taste of sweet or salt?

Anarchy prevails – both!

13.Are you very precise about what words you use to describe your feelings and thoughts?

I think so. Why wouldn’t you be?

14.What do you feel the most guilty about?

I try not to dwell on such things. The past is the past and people need to move on.

15.Do you meditate? 

I have to confess that I have tried mindfulness, which is a form of meditation. It does help but the problem is that I don’t do it often enough. I find that it helps on those rare occasions when I can’t get to sleep.

Soapbox For Sale

So there I was, searching You Tube for a glimpse of the new video by Nine Inch Nails, suspecting that it would be a pleasurable experience that would add a little extra happiness to my day. The last thing I expected was that I would end up ranting to the cats again.

I found the video and pressed the play button so that I could listen to a brand new song from one of my favourite recording artists.

After 90 seconds I was in full rant mode.

Why?

Because I had had to endure 90 seconds of watching an advert for a product that I have no interest in at all. 

I had no choice.

It was the final straw. I was so looking forward to the video that when I was asked to spend a whole minute and a half watching a pointless trailer for a violent computer game, in which I have no interest, I simply flipped.

These adverts are so bloody irritating and are popping up everywhere. The internet used to be a safe haven from the endless adverts that plagued television and radio commercials.

The disease has spread to the internet, dear reader – and I am bloody annoyed about it.

My entire life is invaded by people endlessly harassing and haranguing me, urging me to throw away my hard earned cash on products that I have absolutely zero interest in.

There’s no escape.

I feel like I’m being hunted by relentless marketing people who want to beat me into submission so that I turn into one of those poor unfortunate people who end up throwing away their money and filling their houses with trinkets, gadgets, music, movies, clothes, cleaning products, furniture, food, motor accessories and every conceivable product that can be purchased.

My smartphone is a target for a lot of rants – though not because it is a useless gadget. If I am out and about and want to surf the internet on my phone, I invariably end up having advert after advert hurled at the screen.

Why?

Because the advertisers are exploiting my physical weakness and my lack of coordination.

On my tiny smartphone screen (which incidentally is bigger than most, including the latest iPhone), I see a link I have to click with my decrepit eyes. Because my failing eyesight lets me down, my terrible hand-eye coordination and stubby fingers mean that I inadvertently click the wrong link – the bloody link that points to an advert - the link that takes 2 minutes to display and wastes a fraction of MY money because I have forked out for mobile internet and had to waste precious megabytes downloading something that is asking me if I want to buy carpet shampoo.

Imagine this happening on a bus, full of other passengers minding their own business. All they hear is me screaming at my phone:

“FOR PETE’S SAKE!! WHY DID YOU CALL UP A PAGE ADVERTISING SHAKE AND BLOODY VAC? I JUST WANT TO READ THE BLOODY NEWS!!!”



The passengers are divided. All smartphone owners nod in deep understanding because this has happened to them. Others think I’m an imbecile ranting at a poor victim at the other end of my phone and shy away from me as if I am the nutter on the nutty bus.

Why the blithering flump have You Tube decided that covering their videos with an advert is a good idea? If anything it is going to stop people using the service.

And on Facebook – why do you have to watch a bloody video before you play one of their mind-numbing but hopelessly addictive games?

Ranting about adverts is nothing new for me. I’ve been doing it for donkey’s years. The difference is that I thought I had eliminated them from my life.

On TV, I simply started recording everything, whether it be on a video recorder in the 80’s and 90’s or on Sky Plus since I have had satellite TV. This means that now I can simply zap through the commercials. I rarely see a TV commercial these days.

That said, we now have to suffer adverts from companies that sponsor TV programmes so I can’t eliminate all of them. My current favourite TV programme is Dexter and that. Like all drama on Fox TV, is sponsored by a male fragrance in a pink bottle and usually features a rather suspect male model wearing little clothing being groped by an equally scantily clad woman. I am ranting before the credits start.

On the radio, I have long since stopped listening to commercial radio stations, mainly because the music is garbage (I won’t start a rant about that) but also because the DJ’s all talk shit and the adverts are the worst adverts in the world. Here is a typical 30 minutes on a commercial radio station:

00 to 02: News – 50% of which is about pointless celebrities.
03 to 04: Weather (which in the UK is invariably shit).
05 to 07: Stupid bloody adverts.
09 to 17: Inane bollocks from idiotic DJ’s.
18 to 20: Half of a crap song interrupted by yet more inane drivel from DJ’s.
21 to 23: Yet more stupid bloody adverts.
24 to 27: Half of a crap song interrupted by even more insipid idiocy from DJ’s.
28 to 30: Yet MORE stupid bloody adverts.

I thought the internet was my sanctuary but it’s not. Every single web page has been invaded by the inexorable, ruthless advertising machine that ruins all of our lives.***

I will try to end on a positive note.

While some adverts are totally irritating or just plain annoying I have to admit that there have been some adverts over the years that have made me chuckle.

Here are a few of my favourites:

I apologise for any unsolicited adverts supplied by You Tube when viewing these adverts.

By the way – don’t be misled by the title of this blog post. I have absolutely no intention of selling my soapbox.

I need it and it is priceless.

*** Eagle-eyed readers may have noticed the adverts at the foot of this very web page. I apologise for my hypocrisy; I have made all of fifteen shiny new pounds sterling in five years. Impressed?  I’m not!

Chuck Norris Versus Mr T

I am going to attempt to answer an impossible question. The greatest minds on the planet have been debating the answer since the eighties and have failed miserably. But I, a mere mortal from Manchester, have succeeded where they have failed.

The question is:

Who is the greatest: Chuck Norris or Mr T?

Before I answer I have a couple of things to say. Both men have been involved in some of the best movie fights ever. Chuck Norris took on Bruce Lee in arguably the greatest martial arts battle ever seen on the screen in Way Of The Dragon. Chuck Norris lost unfortunately (but fear not – he was paid to throw the fight).

Mr T positively mauled Silvester Stallone in Rocky III, the only time I’ve seen Rocky Balboa battered to a pulp. Of course, towards the end of the film, Stallone got his revenge by pretending to be a tiger (Mr T was also paid to throw the fight).

A couple of years ago, I was at the Manchester Evening News Arena, waiting to see a concert when all of a sudden, Chuck Norris came to my attention. He wasn’t actually present but there were clearly a few fans in the crowd. How do I know? Well, at the venue, it is possible to send SMS messages to a number and have your messages displayed on the scoreboard there. Usually you end up with utter bilge like:

Frank luvs Rachel xxx

However, on this particular evening, people were sending rather bizarre messages like:

Chuck Norris counted to infinity – TWICE

Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head

Well I have to tell you, I was impressed. And I have discovered that there are a lot more facts about Chuck Norris. Here are a few of my favourites:

Chuck Norris never sleeps – he waits

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors

Ghosts are caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than the Grim Reaper can process them

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain

Chuck Norris doesn’t do press-ups. He pushes the earth down

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle

Chuck Norris died ten years ago but the Grim Reaper is too afraid to tell him

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse

Chuck Norris is the only man on earth who can kick you in the back of the face

Chuck Norris can punch a man in the soul

But what about Mr T? Are there similar facts about the mean machine that kicked Stallone’s bottom? Yes there are – here are twelve of the best:

Mr T does not break wind – he destroys it

Mr T destroyed the periodic table because he only recognises the element of surprise

Mr T is so scary that his hair is afraid to grow. The only reason he has a Mohawk is because it’s in his blind spot

Mr T invented the IQ testing system so that he could pity the fools more accurately

Mr T once won the Olympics – all of them

Mr T and Superman once fought for a bet. The loser had to wear their underpants on the outside

Mr T can beat a wall at tennis

The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Mr T’s neck was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox

Mr T once pitied the Sun – an Ice Age followed

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse because Mr T is going to walk

Mr T once bit off more than he could chew. He ate it anyway.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

So who is better? Both have kicked bums in films and both appear to be the best of the best of the best of the best. In order to decide we have to look further than films – we have to look to television. In the interests of research I recently watched episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger and The A-Team.

First, I was amazed to discover that Walker, Texas Ranger ran for eight seasons and finished in 2001. That means somebody must have enjoyed it. In the episode I saw it was basically Chuck Norris as the good guy, protecting innocent people by kicking the backsides of bad guys into the middle of next week’s episode, barely breaking a sweat as the sole of his boot lifted his poor victims a few feet off the ground. I can see where the Chuck Norris facts come from. I know that if I were a bad guy intent on breaking the law in the United States, I would think twice about heading to Texas to do so.

Sadly, for Chuck Norris, I have to admit that I loved The A-Team. It wasn’t just the fact that Mr T played the meanest man in America; I loved the humour, the insanity of Howling Mad Murdoch, the way the team were locked in a garage full of enough junk to build a spaceship (thought they always chose to build a tank), the verbal sparring between Murdoch and Mr T, the way Hannibal Smith, clearly an old man, could kick bottom while calling the villains sleazeballs and chewing on a cigar, the way Face could con anybody out of anything, and best of all, the fact that they never ever killed anybody, despite firing hundreds of bullets and the way B.A. had to be drugged to fly. Each episode was totally predictable; the A-Team would come up against really bad people victimising vulnerable but weak good guys who were heroes in a previous life. The victims would include a lovely woman who would end up having a fling with Face, or on occasion one of the others. At the end of the show, a car driven by a bad guy would be flipped over by a well placed grenade and the villains would crawl out shaken but uninjured. It was simple and thoroughly enjoyable.

For that reason alone, I have to side with Mr T, a man who showed that he was so tough but had a heart made of more gold than he wore. And he was funny, particularly when dealing with Murdoch.

More than anything else, however, Mr T has recently appeared once more on our screens in commercials for the chocolate bar Snickers and they are hilarious. Here they are:





In conclusion, I think you know who I consider to be the greatest. The answer is (cue fanfare):

Mr T

Chuck Norris has kicked a lot of bottom but Mr T was in the A-Team and has enough catchphrases to defeat an army of bad guys.

Please don’t tell Chuck Norris about this post. I really don’t want to have my door kicked down, the back of my face kicked and my soul punched.

I'm off to get some nuts!