Sunday 15 September 2013

Soapbox For Sale

So there I was, searching You Tube for a glimpse of the new video by Nine Inch Nails, suspecting that it would be a pleasurable experience that would add a little extra happiness to my day. The last thing I expected was that I would end up ranting to the cats again.

I found the video and pressed the play button so that I could listen to a brand new song from one of my favourite recording artists.

After 90 seconds I was in full rant mode.

Why?

Because I had had to endure 90 seconds of watching an advert for a product that I have no interest in at all. 

I had no choice.

It was the final straw. I was so looking forward to the video that when I was asked to spend a whole minute and a half watching a pointless trailer for a violent computer game, in which I have no interest, I simply flipped.

These adverts are so bloody irritating and are popping up everywhere. The internet used to be a safe haven from the endless adverts that plagued television and radio commercials.

The disease has spread to the internet, dear reader – and I am bloody annoyed about it.

My entire life is invaded by people endlessly harassing and haranguing me, urging me to throw away my hard earned cash on products that I have absolutely zero interest in.

There’s no escape.

I feel like I’m being hunted by relentless marketing people who want to beat me into submission so that I turn into one of those poor unfortunate people who end up throwing away their money and filling their houses with trinkets, gadgets, music, movies, clothes, cleaning products, furniture, food, motor accessories and every conceivable product that can be purchased.

My smartphone is a target for a lot of rants – though not because it is a useless gadget. If I am out and about and want to surf the internet on my phone, I invariably end up having advert after advert hurled at the screen.

Why?

Because the advertisers are exploiting my physical weakness and my lack of coordination.

On my tiny smartphone screen (which incidentally is bigger than most, including the latest iPhone), I see a link I have to click with my decrepit eyes. Because my failing eyesight lets me down, my terrible hand-eye coordination and stubby fingers mean that I inadvertently click the wrong link – the bloody link that points to an advert - the link that takes 2 minutes to display and wastes a fraction of MY money because I have forked out for mobile internet and had to waste precious megabytes downloading something that is asking me if I want to buy carpet shampoo.

Imagine this happening on a bus, full of other passengers minding their own business. All they hear is me screaming at my phone:

“FOR PETE’S SAKE!! WHY DID YOU CALL UP A PAGE ADVERTISING SHAKE AND BLOODY VAC? I JUST WANT TO READ THE BLOODY NEWS!!!”



The passengers are divided. All smartphone owners nod in deep understanding because this has happened to them. Others think I’m an imbecile ranting at a poor victim at the other end of my phone and shy away from me as if I am the nutter on the nutty bus.

Why the blithering flump have You Tube decided that covering their videos with an advert is a good idea? If anything it is going to stop people using the service.

And on Facebook – why do you have to watch a bloody video before you play one of their mind-numbing but hopelessly addictive games?

Ranting about adverts is nothing new for me. I’ve been doing it for donkey’s years. The difference is that I thought I had eliminated them from my life.

On TV, I simply started recording everything, whether it be on a video recorder in the 80’s and 90’s or on Sky Plus since I have had satellite TV. This means that now I can simply zap through the commercials. I rarely see a TV commercial these days.

That said, we now have to suffer adverts from companies that sponsor TV programmes so I can’t eliminate all of them. My current favourite TV programme is Dexter and that. Like all drama on Fox TV, is sponsored by a male fragrance in a pink bottle and usually features a rather suspect male model wearing little clothing being groped by an equally scantily clad woman. I am ranting before the credits start.

On the radio, I have long since stopped listening to commercial radio stations, mainly because the music is garbage (I won’t start a rant about that) but also because the DJ’s all talk shit and the adverts are the worst adverts in the world. Here is a typical 30 minutes on a commercial radio station:

00 to 02: News – 50% of which is about pointless celebrities.
03 to 04: Weather (which in the UK is invariably shit).
05 to 07: Stupid bloody adverts.
09 to 17: Inane bollocks from idiotic DJ’s.
18 to 20: Half of a crap song interrupted by yet more inane drivel from DJ’s.
21 to 23: Yet more stupid bloody adverts.
24 to 27: Half of a crap song interrupted by even more insipid idiocy from DJ’s.
28 to 30: Yet MORE stupid bloody adverts.

I thought the internet was my sanctuary but it’s not. Every single web page has been invaded by the inexorable, ruthless advertising machine that ruins all of our lives.***

I will try to end on a positive note.

While some adverts are totally irritating or just plain annoying I have to admit that there have been some adverts over the years that have made me chuckle.

Here are a few of my favourites:














I apologise for any unsolicited adverts supplied by You Tube when viewing these adverts.

By the way – don’t be misled by the title of this blog post. I have absolutely no intention of selling my soapbox.

I need it and it is priceless.

*** Eagle-eyed readers may have noticed the adverts at the foot of this very web page. I apologise for my hypocrisy; I have made all of fifteen shiny new pounds sterling in five years. Impressed?  I’m not!

14 comments:

Grace said...

I don't see any adverts on your blog but then I have Adblock+ installed in my browser.

I don't like commercials (so I didn't watch any that you posted), we record just about everything we watch on tv and then fast forward through the commercials; we use Netflix...

As well you know, those ads allow you to watch for free. If you want advertisement free entertainment then you're going to have to pay.

Sorry to be so practical, I know you were probably expecting sympathy, not reality.

Elephant's Child said...

There are more than enough things in my life (and in the world more generally) which are rant worthy, I really don't need to waste my energy snarling at advertisements.
But I do. Regularly.
And if your cats pay your rants any attention at all you are doing much, much better than I am. Ours tend to yawn in a truly offensive way when I start.

River said...

someone (anyone): have you seen the new ad for...
me: no
someone: how can you miss it? it's on every channel!
me: I don't watch TV
someone: :O

Really it was bad enough having the ads between the shows, now they are through the shows and advertising for upcoming shows are run across the bottom of the screens as well, interfering with the watching of the current show. Bah!! And now they're infiltrating you tube too??
Shame Shame Shame

jeremy north said...

Totally with you their bro. The commercial radio thing hit the spot. You forgot they also put in travel news. Please listen to talksport and re rant for me. The adverts are a welcome release!

Here's another instance of imposed ads: DVDs which put on trailers for films which the menu doesn't allow you to skip, and you have paid for the content already.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Grace,

The fact that these ads allow me to watch for free irritates the hell out of me.

We are ruled by advertisers.

GRR!!

:-)

Cheers

PM

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi EC,

Ads make me rant but there are worse things - which you will no doubt hear of in future posts (if you're not sick of my rants already...).

:-)

Cheers

PM

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi River,

You should try watching TV in the US - it is far far worse than the UK and Oz.

How they put up with it I simply don't know.

:-)

Cheers

PM

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Jeremy,

I listen to radio so rarely that I completely forgot about travel news.

Yes - I've seen that on DVDs!

BUGGERING BLOODY FLUMP!!

:-)

Cheers

PM

jeremy north said...

I forgot to thank you for the awesome ads you posted. I think we have the best of the best in the uk, if only they were all like that!

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Jeremy,

I agree. They're not as good as they used to be though.

:-)

Cheers

PM

H2B said...

I don't mind ads, view it as a way to keep in touch with what is new, some of them are quite good, watch this:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IJNR2EpS0jw&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DIJNR2EpS0jw

DrB said...

BTW, rob can share your pain with his big stubby fingers on the iPad, he was yelling at his ipad a nights ago because he couldn't shut an ad, the x is too tiny.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi H2B,

I like that advert. It's a bit of an earworm too.

:-)

Cheers

PM

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi DrB,

Yes indeed - I have a Nexus 7 which is smaller - therefore more annoying.

:-)

Cheers

PM