It's What Everybody is Talking About

I get really annoyed with new phrases and catchphrases that seem to have crept into my life in recent years, usually via my television but sometimes via social media, emails and even newspapers. I promised that I wouldn’t rant but I feel I need to get this off my chest because such phrases are now commonplace and that irritates me. 

I’ll give you some examples: 

“It’s what everybody’s talking about.”

No, it is not. It categorically is not. The only person talking about it is the person who is promoting a new TV show. The worst thing about this new TV show is that it is almost certainly a reality TV show full of people who nobody has heard of, making absolute fools of themselves in the hope that they will climb onto the celebrity ladder at rung Z, i.e. right at the bottom. The chances are that these people will be forgotten in a few years’ time. The fact that this TV channel is one of those in the depths of TV hell is beside the point. Usually, the only way you can discover the channel (never mind the programme itself) is when you are desperately looking for something in the nether regions of the channel list because the main channels are full of cookery programmes or those kind of light entertainment programmes that are full of shiny happy people and make me wince whenever I hear the theme music. Of course, it can also apply to upcoming movies and albums too and nobody is talking about those either. 

“The most anticipated album of the year”

Again, in many cases, I have never even heard of the artist concerned. I wouldn’t mind so much if it was perhaps an album by an established musical artist that had taken a sabbatical for a few years and then decided to jump back into the fray. It usually isn’t. It is invariably a singer/songwriter who writes soppy love songs “straight from the heart” and in many cases the album is their debut. Another related phrase is “Soppy McSopface really bares his soul on this album.”

Usually, such commercials are accompanied by a snippet of a single that they haven’t released yet where they are wailing about a lost love while looking as if they are about to burst into tears. It is never a rock artist, a progressive rock artist or anything that isn’t on Radio 1’s playlist. 

It isn’t the most anticipated album of the year. These are the words of the record company who are trying to con us all into buying it. 

“It’s sweeping the nation”

Again, this usually applies to a movie, a film or a book that apparently is so popular that everybody in the nation feels that they have to have it. In most cases, the item concerned can barely sweep my garden path.

“Manchester United are in the ascendency”

This is a football special and it means, I assume, that in the game between Manchester United and some other team, Manchester United are having a period where they are dominating the match. I have a lot of problems with the terminology used by commentators when they are describing the action in such a match because they use phrases that nobody uses outside their commentary box. Other similar overused phrases are “That’s a goal of the season contender”, “We’re at the business end of the season”, “This is why we love the Premier League” and “2-0 is a dangerous lead in the game. The next goal is so important”.

“Your call is important to us”

No, it isn’t. The worst thing about this terrible phrase is that you have just tried calling a bank or some other business and you know for a fact that you will hear this phrase for the next hour repeated between bouts of terrible music. When somebody eventually answers, I am usually so frustrated and angry that all I want to do is scream at the person “WHAT TOOK YOU SO BLOODY LONG?”. Of course, I don’t. I take a deep breath and say “Hi! I’ve got an enquiry for you …” Sometimes they throw in a similar phrase that gets close to pushing me over the edge and that phrase is “This call is being recorded for training purposes”. Honestly, I think that I would rather listen to the phone ringing continually for an hour. 

“My bad”

The worst thing about “My bad” is that I have found myself using it in the past and each time I cringed internally and apologised for it. I picked it up when I was working and I think I have managed to remove it from my vocabulary now.  What it means is “My mistake” or “I’m sorry”. Why can’t people (including me) say that?

 “I’m going to give you 130%”

No, you aren’t because that is absolutely impossible. You can’t even give 100% of yourself really. This is business speak that makes me yell at the TV whenever I hear it on the programmes like “The Apprentice”. Another one from that show is “Let’s SMASH this!”. Invariably the people concerned fail dismally to “SMASH it” and make themselves look lie the incompetent buffoons they are. 

“Rant over!”

Yes – I am struggling to remove this one from my own vocabulary. When I was working I used to moan about things that annoyed me from office politics to TV shows to politics and at the end I would say this. I sometimes still do and I squirm whenever those words leave my mouth. 

Anyway, enough of that. I’m bored with venting my spleen and I think I’ve made my point. 

Rant over. If I have offended anybody then my bad!

The Influencer

This is my 1000th post. 

I have a soundtrack song that skirts around the topic of this post. It is called #Addicted by my current favourite band Riverside, so listen along while you read (only if you want to of course). 

I want everybody to be like me. I want you all to listen to the same music as me, read the same books as me and base your fashion choices on my own. I want you all to have the same beliefs as me and basically use my ideas as a philosophy for your future choices. 

I want to influence you all. 

Okay, let me tell you one thing about the words I wrote above: they are complete and utter bollocks.

My own belief is that everybody should be as individual as they can be. People are unique in this world and that’s exactly what makes humanity so brilliant on the whole. You never know what you are going to get when you meet a new person.

Having said that, it is perfectly fine to get ideas from people to enhance your own life. I do this all the time. However, I am not a good role model at all. 

When it comes to fashion, I am totally inept. I have written about this before and if it wasn’t for Mrs PM I would wander around the streets of Manchester dressed like a sack of potatoes with legs, arms and a head. When I go shopping for clothes I am utterly clueless about what to buy. When Mrs PM and I first got together, one of the first things she did was to tell me (in no uncertain terms) what was wrong with my clothing choices. 

My musical taste, while it skirts around various genres, is a little bit niche. I like popular music like rock and pop of course but the music that I really love has been described to me as “an acquired taste”. I have also been described as a “musical dinosaur” and I didn’t like that one little bit (as you can probably tell since I mentioned it in the first place). 

The books I read are also very niche. I love anything really weird (the weirder the better), which means that I gravitate towards science fiction, horror and anything that is just – well – strange. The same goes for TV and movies. 

Why would anybody be influenced by that?

About a year before I retired, I started looking at potential hobbies to keep myself busy and one of the suggestions made me laugh out loud. That idea was: 

“Become an influencer”

What? At my age? Have you ever met me?

I have seen influencers in action in the flesh. I have seen people (mainly women) photographing themselves when they have bought new clothes, pouting in a way that would attract any fish with large lips. I have heard others (mainly men) bleating on about sports products and things to make them look like the latest Adonis and showing off their muscles in a way that makes them resemble a very poor man’s Arnold Schwarzenegger. 

The idea of being an Influencer is that you end up with an army of followers who hang on to your every word, your every image (no matter how bizarre) and all of your lifestyle choices, which includes things like the restaurants and bars that you got to, the meals you have every day and all of your amazing ideas, no matter how crazy they are. When you have this following, you reap the rewards with advertising and in extreme cases, companies giving you things to try in the hope that you will praise them allowing the company to get sales indirectly from you. 

I don’t want any of that. 

I would hate to see a Plastic Mancunian clone following me to a restaurant dressed exactly like me and telling me how influential I am. 

I am not influential at all. I use this blog to basically tell people what a weirdo I am, how incompetent I am and what an idiot I can be. And I welcome people laughing at my antics. 

But to follow me and try to be like me?

You have to be kidding. 

Equally I have no desire to obsessively base my lifestyle choices on a person I’ve only ever seen pictures of, who is really nothing but a gigantic show-off. For example I love rock music but I have never had the desire to pursue the hedonistic and debauched life style of some of my past favourite artists. 

You can rest assured that on the list of potential retirement hobbies that I have compiled, “become an influencer” is not on there at all. Mind you, I am a self-confessed weirdo so perhaps there are older people out there who may be tempted to listen to my advice, wear the same clothes that Mrs PM tries to get me to wear, read the same weird books and listen to the same weird music. However, I like to think that anybody who is my age is so set in their ways that the very thought of being influenced by me is as hilarious as the concept of Plastic Mancunian himself trying to become an influencer. 

Influencers just want fame and money for doing bugger all and I would never want to be one.

I say make your own choices. Don’t follow people – just be yourself. 

Life is too precious to live it vicariously. 

Bubbles

Like all human beings on Earth, I live in a body that allows me to physically move around the planet. At the moment this fleshy vehicle is still in working order although it is quite old and slightly world-weary (it is 62 years old after all). Nevertheless, it is useful for getting me from place to place and is still good enough to do so with minimal trauma, as long as I don’t try to overdo it. 

Similarly, and again like all human beings, I live in a mental bubble. This bubble allows me to take in inputs from a variety of sources and compute the best reaction and also dictate what I do. It contains my view of the world, my opinions and helps me navigate and utilise my body. 

I like to think that I am aware of the veracity of the information contained in the bubble and that by and large everything in there is based on the truth as perceived by my intelligence, awareness and how I process the vast quantities of information that have to be processed within on a second by second basis.

In this regard, in the same way as our bodies, no two individuals have the same bubble. Every person has his or her view of the world based on how the information has been processed. Yet, we all think that our own view of the world is the only one that is one hundred percent correct. I am guilty of this and, unlike some people, I like to think that I could possibly be wrong about some things. 

One of the biggest challenges to most people is social media which gives everybody who embraces it access to what is going on inside the bubbles of other people. I struggle with this sometimes because I don’t like to be swayed by things for which I have no proof. I would rather spend my time learning about facts and judge things based on them. 

A good example of what I am talking about is music. I always chuckle when an album is released by an artist I have never heard of that is portrayed as the best thing ever recorded: 

“The greatest singer/songwriter of our age bares his soul in a soaring new release”. 

Really? I am willing to listen to such albums out of interest but I would never spend money on such a thing unless I actually liked it myself. 

It’s the same with movies: 

“This movie is a phenomenal triumph”

Really? Why did it only score 1.6 on IMDB?

Ultimately it is all a matter of personal choice. 

What I don’t understand is the concept of “influencers”. I have seen people describe themselves as “influencers” and I daresay that there are some people who really are influenced by them but I don’t get it. I certainly don’t let such people influence me. There are a lot of people who I admire for being good actors, musicians, singers, authors etc. but I don’t follow their life choices or allow my own bubble to blindly be manipulated by the so-called “truth” that comes from their bubble. A lot of people allow this to happen and I find that bizarre. 

I can’t be a copycat for a rock star for example. Some of my musical heroes have been wild men who think they are indestructible and abuse their bodies in ways that are shocking. For example, I admire Ozzy Osbourne because of his music, yet if I had adopted his hedonistic attitude towards drugs and booze, I probably wouldn’t be here to write this post. Besides, I don’t like all of his music, just certain aspects of it. 

I know people who have followed “influencers” and adopted aspects of their dress sense, their musical taste and their political views. Some “influencers” also spread bullshit about everything from finances, health and conspiracy. And gullible people buy it all. 

As I was approaching retirement, I started looking into potential new hobbies that I could take up over the next few years and I have a list of some very interesting ones such as genealogy, wine tasting, photography etc. and I have several that I probably will take up when I get bored of my current hobbies. 

One caught my eye and it made me laugh: become a social media influencer. 

Really? At my age? I did some research on this and discovered to my amusement that there really are old influencers who have decided to use their life experiences to earn money from social media. I can partly see the point of that if they are offering their experience as a guide and, to be honest, I think that there is probably some wisdom from people my age who have seen and done a lot. 

I would never do that. But then again, isn’t blogging a form of social media. I have been blogging since 2008. Mostly the stuff I hurl out there into cyberspace is total horseshit – but am I trying to influence people – even subconsciously? 

Is my little bubble casting out a net in order to ensnare other more gullible bubbles and lead them stray? 

Am I a colossal hypocrite? 

The answer is of course, no (although the caveat to that is that I am a hypocrite in other ways; I’m just not an “influencer”). 

My aim is to fling my nonsense into cyberspace in the hope that my words will cheer somebody up or bring a little smile to somebody's face. 

That is all. 

The thought of myself being an “influencer” fills me with horror and makes me laugh out loud. If, as a result of reading this blog, you become a weirdo who wants to travel a lot, move to Manchester, listen to progressive rock and metal, rant a lot about politics and many other subjects while supporting a useless football team in League Two then you probably need help. 

Having said that, based on some of the comments I have received over the years, most people who stumble on this blog disagree with a lot of the aspects of my thought processes.

And that is the way it should be, dear reader. 

Be the unique person you are and be yourself. 

Don’t let anybody burst your bubble.

I’ll leave you with a song by Steven Wilson about following “Influencers”.

The Truth is Out There (Maybe)

I am a close personal friend of Taylor Swift and last week I played the piano for her. She is so impressed by my progress over the past couple of years that she has asked me to perform on her next album and accompany her on her next world tour.

How incredible is that? 

It is totally incredible and it is, of course, totally false. 

Nevertheless it is more believable than some of the bullshit that has been spread across the planet in the past decade or so. This explosion of lies has increased exponentially with the rise of social media. 

Coincidence? I think not. 

Two things surprise me about the spread of lies as “truth”. The first thing is that the lies are becoming more and more outrageous. The second thing is that people actually believe them despite the evidence to the contrary. 

It isn’t surprising that there are now far more conspiracy theories out there and that more and more people believe them. Nor is it surprising that a lot of politicians are blatantly lying to the world. 

Take Donald Trump for example. This man is the worst person ever to have held the position of president of the United States. He had four years of power and it was a total disaster. And yet he won the last election and today he will be back in office for yet another four years. Some of the lies he told in his campaign are breathtaking. 

Such blatant lying isn’t limited to just the United States. In Britain we have Boris Johnson who has given Trump a run for his money in the past.

BBC news has a “fact checker” where they analyse statements by prominent politicians and indicate the veracity of some of these outlandish statements basically indicating whether they are true, exaggerated or simply blatant lies. Yet I have read comments from people online who refuse to believe that their politician of choice is lying and say mad things like “The BBC is totally biased against the Conservative Party and is lying!”

One of the things I’ve noticed about such people is that they simply refuse to admit that people like Trump and Johnson are capable of telling lies. The same is true for conspiracy theorists. 

I’ve mentioned “Flat Earthers” before and this applies doubly to them. They refuse to believe that the Earth is a sphere despite the overwhelming evidence to support it. They believe that the Earth is a giant frisbee and although scientists can prove that it is not, such people seem to thrive on this and tell scientists that they are liars and part of a global conspiracy to fool the people. 

I mean WHY?

What would be the advantages of denying that the Earth is a pancake? And I’ve found that the more you try to convince such a person that the Earth is a globe, the more entrenched they become in their views, the more angry they become and they more they think that you are an idiot for believing that the planet if a sphere. It’s like they are digging themselves in and will never ever admit the folly of their views. 

Such people claim that there is tons of “evidence” out there – and they are right. The “evidence” is on social media sites and comes from nutcases who believe that Terry Pratchett’s Discworld is based on the shape of our own planet. 

Here is an amusing rant from comedian David Mitchell about this:

What he says is exactly true. The rise of the internet and social media makes it easy for kooks to get a voice and spread disinformation as if it is gospel. In the past certain conspiracy theorists have struggled to get their weird views to the world, having to resort to being interrogated on mainstream TV or having to write books about their views. 

One of the best examples of this is David Icke, who I have mentioned on this blog before. Back in the 1980s he was a footballer and became a sports presenter on TV. But something happened and in 1991 he appeared on a chat show and claimed that he was the “Son of the Godhead” and wore turquoise to “channel positive” energy. 

He was ridiculed for it. 

Yet now, over 30 years after that ill-fated interview, he is a full blown conspiracy theorist and talks to thousands of people who are willing to believe him about things like interdimensional reptilian beings who can shape-shift and have been manipulating humanity through fear so that they can feed off our negative energy. He thinks that The Matrix is based on fact.

He has written loads of books on this and many other weird fantasies that he claims to be true. And his army of followers is growing. If you are so inclined you can check some of his nonsense on You Tube. I’ve watched a couple of interviews with him and they are hilarious. 

The reason for actually writing this post was because of recent events in the UK that involve Elon Musk using his Twitter account (I refuse to call it X) to launch attacks on the UK government based on lies. And of course liar number one is becoming President today. 

I wonder where this is all going to lead us in the future? 

Imagine if I suddenly became an “influencer” on social media and started my own conspiracy theories. Do you think that people would believe me? Do you think I could get away with telling blatant lies and peddling them as if they were the absolute truth? 

I couldn’t do it – I am genuine about this. There is a filter in my head that would prevent me from inventing a story, say, about the royal family being descended directly from dinosaurs, no matter how much I would love it to be true. 

In fact, I couldn’t do it because somebody has already beaten me to it. Apparently, according to Mr Icke, the royal family, including King Charley boy, are all shape-shifting lizards. In fact it’s not just them – it’s most famous people. In fact, according to this video – you and I might be reptilian-human hybrids:

Who would have thought it? 

Musical Maniac

    

Welcome to a very rainy South Manchester on day 420 of pandemic restrictions. The weather outside is dreadful – cold, very wet and windy. I really hope that the weather improves as we approach summer. We seem to be in a cold spell at the moment with winds flying down from the north and lowering the temperature even further. 

The only thing to do is to escape into a bunch of silly questions from Sunday Stealing. The title of the post is Music Maniac and that is exactly what I am – but sadly none of the questions are about music. I will still answer them but I will offer a song at the beginning that you can listen to while reading. 

Don’t worry – it is not a progressive metal monster. On the contrary – it is a beautiful ambient song from the album Moon Safari by French duo Air (this one featuring Beth Hirsch)– one of my all time favourite albums. So press play, relax and (hopefully) enjoy my silly answers.

1. Five problems with social media

What an opening question. I could spend hours answering this. I will aim for brevity but I can’t promise anything.

• People are over-using social media to the extent that they don’t do anything else – and it is not necessarily their fault. I am as guilty of this as anybody. In my case, I can sit there looking at my phone and not doing anything more useful – it contributes to my procrastination. I have decided to reduce my exposure to social media recently so that instead of wasting time on my phone I actually do something meaningful instead.
• Relating to this, social media is a bit of an oxymoron because it can make people anti-social. I hate it when I am trying to talk to people and they decide to get their phones out. There are times when I want to say “Just put your phone down!” when this happens. To be fair, people around my age are less inclined to do that. I have an example from a year or two ago (apologies if I have told you this before). I was in a pub and on the table next to me were about five young people sitting in silence and all engrossed in the contents of their phones. One of them reached for his beer and noticed that he had run out. “Anyone want a drink?” he asked and his friends all placed their orders. The guy walked to the bar, returned to the table with them and then they all continued with their phones and not saying another word. I hope that’s not the future.
• Some people are obsessed with the cult of celebrity or the latest political cause. Others are obsessed with themselves and spend all day posting about how amazing their mundane life is. I have a friend on Facebook who posts his “thoughts” on a weekly basis in a little video. I can understand it in a lockdown but he has been doing this for years. He also posts details of what he is having for his dinner and what he is watching on the TV. I’m not interested. I don’t want to live my life vicariously through him.
• The concept of fake news has been born from social media. The world is going mad with it. People like Donald Trump rode this particular tsunami of misinformation and spread all manner of crazy propaganda. He’s not the only one guilty of this. Little tribes of nutters have appeared on social media including, to my everlasting amusement, the cult of Flat Earth. There are more Flat Earthers out there now than there ever were, thanks to bullshit spread as gospel. 
• I hate trolls – or keyboard warriors as I prefer to call them.  These are vile people who prowl social media and post abhorrent insults to people just for the hell of it. The infest the world of bloggery too and I have had to deal with a couple in the past. As well as that all manner of terrible groups of people have found a medium to spread their hatred throughout the world. And this last point is arguably the most disturbing reason why social media has a problem

So much for brevity – sorry about the long answer.

2. A place you would like to live, but have never visited

I would like to live in a Scandinavian country like Sweden, Denmark or Norway because the people are friendly and they are meant to be amongst the happiest places on the planet, something I could embrace with joy. Also, as a fair-haired man myself, I think I would fit right in.

3. Someone who fascinates you and why

This is a strange one. I am quite fascinated by the actor Tom Cruise. I think he is a great actor and I do generally like his movies (although he has made some turkeys). This isn’t the reason I am fascinated with him though. He has everything – looks, the ability to act, he does his own stunts and is the same age as I am – yet looks so much better. Sadly, he is a nutter. He is so deep in the world of Scientology that David Miscavige will do anything to keep him there and, given how successful he is, I cannot understand why he hasn’t realised that his “religion” has ruined his life.

Listen to this bullshit from 2004. 

I would like nothing more than to sit down in a bar with Tom Cruise and ask him about this.

4. Do you have tattoos?  What are they and why?

No, I don’t have tattoos. I would never have a tattoo.

5. A book you love, and one you didn’t.

I’ve recently read a fascinating novel by Blake Crouch called Recursion, which fascinated me. It is a mind-bending science fiction novel that needs a lot of thought to follow it. If you like movies like Inception and Tenet then you will love it. If those movies blew your mind into submission then it might not be for you. I loved them and I loved the book. It would make a great film.

I made the mistake of reading a free Kindle book last year that the first in a series set in a post-apocalyptic world with Zombies – there are loads of these out there. I thought it would be good – it was terrible. I finished it but I’m not sure why. I discarded it pretty quickly and I won’t tempt you to read it by giving you its title or author.

6. A fruit you dislike, and why

Damsons because they taste revolting.

7. Two words/phrases that make you laugh

“Bollocks” is a British word that I use quite often because I find it funny. It is a swear word but it sums up things perfectly in many ways. If you think something is terrible you simply say “That’s bollocks!”. If you think somebody is lying you can say “He’s talking bollocks!” – see what I mean? Perfect.

I also love the word “abomination” and use it regularly because it sums up my feeling that something is so bad that it simply should not exist. I chuckle inwardly whenever I say it or hear it. For example:

“White chocolate is an abomination.”

8. A quote you try to live by

“Laughter connects you with people. It’s almost impossible to maintain any kind of distance or any sense of social hierarchy when you’re just howling with laughter. Laughter is a force for democracy.”

Thank you John Cleese.

9. Something you miss

I miss my parents.

10. Three weird traits you have

I wrote a post about this last week. I will refer you to that. Here it is. 

11. What you wore today

I am wearing a shirt than makes me look like a lumberjack and a pair of blue jeans. 

12. Word/phrase you use constantly

“What are you doing?” – I say this to the cats when they are being mischievous.

13. One thing you’re excited for

The end of the pandemic – and I think I am in good company with 95% of the rest of the world on this.

14. Your feelings on ageism

I am an old git myself so I am against it. In the past I have seen a lot of ageism, particularly in the workplace, where people have been “let go” or simply not been employed because the powers that be have branded them as “too old”. 

These days, certainly in the UK, we are well on our way to severely reducing ageism in the workplace. Personally I want to retire but I would like to think that if I change my mind then I could easily walk back into another job based on my experience and ability and people wouldn’t see my age as a barrier. 

After all, the older you get the wiser you get and I have nothing but respect for people who have been on this planet longer than I have.

15. Three interesting facts about yourself

I have been to 36 countries – around 18% of the planet. I haven’t finished yet.

I am a (flawed) Roman Catholic.

I can play a trombone (though not for over 40 years).

 

Aliens Are Coming

I’ve discussed a few realistic ways in which the world could end so I think now it is time to get a little silly and talk about some of the more crazy things that people believe about the end of humanity.

Let’s start with something that is close to my heart: alien invasion.

I love science fiction, particularly involving aliens (the stranger the better) and avidly watch TV programmes and movies featuring weird and wonderful creatures from another planet blowing Earth to smithereens with maximum prejudice.

My favourite book is “The War of the Worlds” by H.G.Wells, just to reiterate this.

What a total geek I am.

I don’t care.

The big question for people like me is: do such aliens actually exist?

In my opinion there are some people living on this planet that may actually be alien – they certainly resemble stereotypical extra-terrestrials. I don’t want to fuel any conspiracy theories but there are some odd people walking about. Could these people be the initial wave of invaders, sent here to prepare the way for the army of monsters to follow? Could they be sent to initiate control so that when the invaders arrive we are subjugated with minimum resistance?

It’s possible when you think about it. Shape-shifting aliens could already be here conquering us passively by making themselves celebrities and gathering vast armies of fans  having already hypnotised the most gullible amongst us so that only those immune to their charms will have to be conquered.

How else do you explain Oprah Winfrey and Lady Ga-Ga?

Such aliens would also want to know everything about us. Consider how people love to post every intimate detail about themselves on social media with no worries at all about the consequences of their actions. Imagine an alien (or aliens) possessing all of this information about us?

Step forward Mark Zuckerberg with Facebook.

Seriously, though, there are lots of famous people who believe in the existence of extra-terrestrials. The late great Professor Stephen Hawking, one of the most intelligent people ever to have lived often spoke about what would happen if human beings were to encounter aliens. He wasn’t very positive about the possibility. He said two things that interest me:

“Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonize whatever planets they could reach. Who knows what the limits would be?” 

“Meeting an advanced civilization could be like Native Americans encountering Columbus. That didn’t turn out so well.”

That’s kind of scary, isn’t it?

If you think about it, there are countless trillions upon countless trillions of planets out there in our universe. How arrogant are non-believers in thinking that we are the only intelligent life form in the entire universe?

Yet at the same time there is the Fermi Paradox. Enrico Fermi, a famous physicist, stated that given the age and size of the universe and the trillions of planets out there, then it stands to reason that some form of intelligent life must have managed by now to use technology to create spaceships that can traverse vast distances and visit, and possibly conquer, most if not all of the known universe.

So where is everybody? Where are these aliens? Hence the paradox.

Of course, Fermi’s question might be answered by alien believers who, joking aside, are convinced that aliens really have landed on Earth and are walking amongst us. If you look on YouTube you will find thousands of videos ranging from aliens caught on camera to UFO’s whizzing about in our skies. Also, there are others who think that we have already been invaded and that the so-called ruling elite are in fact alien shape-shifters controlling us all.

I knew it! Donald Trump is an alien! That explains a lot.

Realistically though, if there are belligerent aliens out there, then surely it would have been easier to invade centuries ago before we developed the technology to fight back. An alien invasion fleet would have encountered little resistance from Neanderthals, ancient Greeks, Romans, medieval peasants and even early twentieth century people.

The “War of the Worlds” story illustrates just that – the army of Martians in H.G.Wells’ book wiped out a large percentage of nineteenth century England with little or no effort.

There is additional speculation that humanity is in fact an alien race and that we ourselves were planted here to populate the planet after the dinosaurs were wiped out. When you think about it, it is possible that we were deposited here as a primitive colony all those centuries ago.

I like the idea that perhaps you and I, are aliens who successfully conquered Earth.

It explains a lot.

Smart Conversation

The art of conversation is slowly dying.

The only people who are currently keeping it active are those above a certain age, like me, who like to have a good old fashioned conversation (or a “chinwag”) with one or more people in pleasant surroundings such as a restaurant, pub of coffee shop.

However, there are a certain group of people (to whom I shall refer as the youth of today) who prefer other means of communication.

I am referring to the smartphone.

Actually, it’s not just the youth of today – some people my age are equally guilty of this crime against humanity.

Picture the scene:

Mrs PM and I walk into a pub and approach the bar. After ordering our drinks we find a seat and chat to each other about our day at work, next year’s holiday plans, what a great guy I am and how lucky she is to have me – you know the kind of thing.

On the table next to us are three people all with drinks who obviously know each other. None of them are talking to each other. Instead, each one of them has a smartphone in their hand and each one of them is doing something like:

(1) Surfing the internet looking at crazy You Tube videos

(2) Posting their status in Facebook (“I’m having a great time with Kate and Paul in The Blue Hippo and am just about to quaff a pint of Old Skunkwarbler”)

(3) Posting their status on Twitter (“Drnkng Old Skunkwarbler with m8s in pub – LOL - #Drunkasskunk)

(4) Texting other friends who aren’t there (“CU L8er @BlueHippo – wot’s ur eta?”)

We sat there watching them and nobody spoke until one of them ran out of beer and asked whose round it was.

A more extreme case occurred in my own house. I was with Mrs PM, my son and his girlfriend. Mrs PM and I were watching TV and the kids were busy typing on their phones. Suddenly, my lad’s phone chirped – he had received a text message. That text message was from his girlfriend who was sitting a yard away and had texted him asking for a drink.

We like his girlfriend a lot and I have told her that she can help herself to anything in my house (apart from my beer of course!) – and usually she does.

Even my lad was surprised.

He turned to her and said “Get your own drink!”

“What?” I said incredulously. “Have you just texted him to ask for a drink?”

“Yes,” she confessed.

As you can imagine, my soapbox came out and I started ranting about how smartphones are turning people into robotic ignoramuses and that the logical evolutionary conclusion will be that people eventually forget how to speak, only able to communicate with grunts and superfast typing on their devices with their oversized thumbs.

“Ignore him,” said my lad as he got up to fulfil his girlfriend’s request. “He’s old!”

“Don’t tell me you’re actually going to get her a drink?” I said.

“Shut up!” shouted Mrs PM, bringing my rant to an abrupt end. My lad and his girlfriend just laughed (as they usually do).

I have now banned the use of phones when I am out with Mrs PM and my immediate family and their girlfriends unless they receive an important text or a phone call.

Actually, that’s another thing. People these days communicate by text instead of ringing each other up. If you want to have a serious chat with somebody or arrange something you cannot do it with a text that is written in the stupid abbreviated slangy language, known as text speak.

You can achieve so much in a five minute conversation. If you text to each other it takes hours to do this, and in my case most of that time is taken trying to decipher the idiotic language that’s used.

Does the following really make sense?

OMG RUOK? UR BF is a dick IYKWIM! TIME! TTYL! HAK! Kate

What this means is

“Oh my God! Are you OK? Your boyfriend is a dick, if you know what I mean. There are tears in my eyes. Talk to you later. Hugs and kisses. Kate.”

Actually, she won’t “talk to you later” because she will send you a tweet, post you a message on Facebook or text you.

Don’t get me wrong; I am a technophile who LOVES my smartphone. The difference between me and the youth of today is that I use my phone for learning Spanish, navigating, receiving emails, reading, taking photos, checking the weather, measuring my walking distance and speed, organising my calendar, watching TV via Google Chromecast, converting currencies, translating from English to other languages and vice versa, checking the time, storing useful information, brain training, simulating a torch, reading the news, posting photos on Instagram, checking the names of actors in films, learning other subjects, identifying songs, checking the latest gigs, recording voice notes and looking at You Tube videos.

I hasten to add that I only do this when I am on my own and not when I am in the company of one or more people.

I use my phone in a pub, for example, when Mrs PM has gone to the toilet and I am on my own waiting for her to return. If I am with several people, my phone stays in my pocket.

And that’s the way it should be.

I don’t want the art of conversation to die. While social media has revolutionised communication, it should not be used to communicate with people who are in the same room as you.

People need to talk to each other.

It’s ridiculous.

Anyway, rant over.

I’ve got to go. Mrs PM has just texted me to tell me to start cooking dinner because her favourite television programme is on.

Bloody smartphones!!!

What I Did Next Will SHOCK You!!!!

I am being bombarded with information and it’s totally my own fault.

I wouldn’t mind if this information was useful; most of it isn’t. Most of it is utter rubbish.

The main source of this nonsense is my computer but there is an awful lots being beamed at me via my television screen. It’s almost like a drug that I can’t quite shake off. And believe me, there are people who are far more addicted than I am.

It’s starting to annoy me and, what’s more, my own stupid temptation to indulge in this crap annoys me even more.

You may be wondering what I am talking about. Let me explain.

One of the biggest culprits is Facebook, something I try to avoid, but often just open up to see what’s going on. I don’t know why I do this because the truth is I am not interested at all. Nevertheless, there  is a little demon inside me, urging me to have a quick look, in case I am missing out on something.

This concept is known as Fear of Missing Out and it afflicts most people under the age of 40 who have Facebook accounts. Anybody older than that, like me, should probably not ever have an account and should know better. Most of my close friends who are my age think I’m a fool for using Facebook. However, Mrs PM uses this cursed social networking site regularly and often remarks that so-and-so has done such-and-such and that I should take a look.

And then I’m trapped.

I read some banal nonsense about what people are doing and then I see it: the phenomenon known as clickbait, which are basically articles that are like tabloid headlines, sensationalised in such a way that it is difficult to resist clicking the link and reading the story.

The articles usually have been liked by friends or by other things I’ve stupidly liked. The headlines are similar to:

This man saw a woman being attacked. What he did next will ASTOUND you.

So you click the link and end up watching a shaky video with a man taking off his shoes and hurling them at a kid attacking a young woman. A lucky shot caught the kid in his nether regions and he eventually hobbled away.

Another example is:

Ten simple tricks that can save you thousands of dollars.

or

Eight things you didn’t know about heavy metal music

Twenty facts about cats that will SHOCK you.

A lot of these links are full of advertising and if you are dumb enough to click on them using a smartphone, you end up having to watch a thirty second advert for a product that you have no interest in whatsoever, only to eventually see the main article and curse yourself for wasting the minute it took you to read it.

The truth is that there is no fear of missing out. My only fear is being drawn into hours of reading stupid articles peppered with irritating adverts.

I am absolutely sick of it, but, like an incompetent moth drawn to a flame, I find myself clicking the link subconsciously and wasting yet more time, reading yet more drivel or watching yet another totally pointless video.

I'm a buffoon.

It’s not just Facebook. When I decide to research something for this blog – or anything else I am writing – I find myself drawn to links and, like Alice wandering down an endless rabbit hole, I descend into the bowels of banality, reading pointless information that will have no bearing on my life, will not contribute to my research in any way whatsoever and ultimately will end up in a box in my brain labelled:

Lost Battles in the War Against Procrastination

Another source of this crap are emails. People who actually enjoy dumbing down with clickbait send links to them in emails entitled:

 You simply MUST read this.

And being an idiot, I click the link, read it and curse myself once more.

It’s not all bad though. I use the internet constructively sometimes to research information, discover new music and add positivity to my life. I have learned so much by researching facts for my blog and to use in arguments with arses on the message boards I sometimes visit.

I just need to resist the clickbait.

Finally, I blamed my television earlier and I stand by that statement. I am trying my best not to turn into a couch potato but with so many channels available on my telly box, I find myself channel surfing and watching all sorts of rubbish.

I could be outside doing something interesting but instead I’ve spent fifteen minutes watching a show about an old couple who want to buy a house in the south of France, or a documentary about the development of Morris Dancing in Victorian England:



Thankfully, the sensible part of me screams:

"What on EARTH are you DOING?”

and then Bruce Springsteen pops into my head with this song:



It never used to be like this; useless articles that chip away at your very soul, pointless adverts that erase brain cells with their banality or meaningless television programmes that actually lower your IQ as you watch them.

Hopefully, you haven’t stumbled on this blog post as a result of clickbait – and I hope that there wasn’t an advert with the Bruce Springsteen video above.  If there was then I apologise for the wasted thirty seconds of your life.

There is just too much information out there, dear reader, and our challenge is to filter out the shit and find the nuggets, just like those old gold prospectors in Wild West. There are gems out there if you know where to look and can resist the temptation to read nonsense.

Anyway, time to wrap up now. I’m off now to do something amazing that will shock you all.

Click here to find out what it is.