Alphabetti Spaghetti

 

Welcome to a very sunny and very pleasant South Manchester. The weather has been very hot lately but now the temperature has dropped to an agreeable 25°C (77°F). The air is clear too which is a vast improvement on a couple of days ago. As you head north and west from Manchester, you reach the Pennines, a chain of hills that forms a natural split between Lancashire and Yorkshire and is known as “the backbone of Britain”. Here there is a lot of moorland and last week some idiots started a fire there which nature decided to spread the smoke across the city. At one point, Manchester looked like it was infested with a smog monster and we could all smell smoke. The air quality was extremely poor and although it was hot we were all advised to keep our windows closed. 

Manchester covered in smog

Thankfully things are better now and the fire fighters are hopefully winning in their battle with wildfires around the country generally. 

It’s rare not to have rain in the UK, in Manchester in particular, but we haven’t had any here in the city for 11 days with no rain forecast for the rest of the month at least. While that’s great for cricket, it’s not so good for the local flora.

Anyway, let’s divert from the British trait of talking about the weather and dive into a set of questions driven by the alphabet, as usual they are from Sunday Stealing. 

A is for Age.

My age is 63 years 9 months and 10 days (to the end of today). It’s questions like this that make me realise just how old I am. 

B is for your Booze of choice.

This time of year my beer of choice is usually lager, usually the continental ones. For example, Cruzcampo and Madri, from Spain, Moretti from Italy and Budvar from Czechia. That said, I do sometimes have ales and bitters but I tend to drink those in the colder months. I’m also partial to the odd glass of red or white wine. I don’t drink anything stronger than that. 

C is for Career.

I used to be a software engineer but that role has included more political roles such as Team Leader, Database Chapter Lead (I still don’t know what that meant in reality – it was some bullshit that was encouraged from the Agile methodology) and I’ve dabbled very briefly in Project Management. I’ve also been an Installation Engineer, a Support Engineer and many other rubbish meaningless titles. I was once asked if I was a “Database Ninja” and my response didn’t go down to well with the person who asked it. 

Of course, all of that is behind me because I am retired.

D is for your Dog's name.

I don’t have a dog, unfortunately and I haven’t had a dog since I was a kid. The last dog I had was called Paddy. 

I will give you my cats’ names though: Ziggy and Star(dust).

E is for Everyday Essentials.

Food is essential because it helps to keep me healthy and prolongs my life. Associated with that, drink is pretty important too, such as decaf tea, water, the odd decaf coffee, a mixture of apple and orange juice and sometimes the odd can of Sprite. Oxygen also helps because without that I would probably transition into the realm of ghosts. Oh, exercising is important too and I try to walk five miles per day. Finally sleep helps to recharge me and keep the realm of ghosts away for a few more years yet hopefully. 

F is for your Favourite Food.

I have loads of favourite foods, probably too many to put in a simple question like this. I’ll just give you a few off the top of my head: Italian food, Mexican food, Indian food, cheese, chicken, fish and chips (rarely eaten these days), bangers and mash, paella, burgers (again rarely eaten these days), a full English breakfast, fruit (oranges, apples, bananas) and many many more. 

G is for your favourite Game.

My favourite board game is Monopoly probably. 

My favourite Playstation game is FIFA football (though I love Metal Gear Solid, GTA and Far Cry). I particularly like “open world” games where you can basically do what you want. 

My favourite game to watch is football but I love cricket and rugby too. 

H is for your Hometown

I presume you mean the place where I was born, in which case it is Walsall, a town in the West Midlands, in an area known as “The Black Country” because of its history of heavy industry. It is 12 miles north of Birmingham, 76 miles south of Manchester and 136 miles north of London. It has a population of about 270,000 at the time of writing. 

I is for an Instrument you play. 

I used to play the trombone (from the age of 11 to 16). Nowadays I try to play the piano (very badly) on a Yamaha digital piano and I also make a lot of noise with a Roland JD-Xi hybrid synthesiser.

J is for your favourite Jam or Jelly flavour.

I don’t eat much jam but if I have to, I would probably select strawberry or raspberry. 

Of course, “jam” is known as “jelly” in the US and this has been confusing on my visits there. We use the word “jelly” in the UK too but it is completely different. Jelly is a wobbly fruit dessert that you eat with a spoon. The idea of spreading jelly on a sandwich is hilarious and I would love to see what happens if an American tried it in the UK. For my part, when I was offered jelly for my sandwich in the US, I laughed and said “Why would I have jelly on a sandwich?”, which probably seems an really stupid question to ask in America. 

K is for Kids.

I have two kids. When I say “kids” I mean adults. My eldest is 33 and my youngest is 30. They are still kids to me though, and like me, they still act like kids. 

L is for the Last show or movie your watched.

The last movie I watched was a thriller called “Knock at the Cabin” by M. Night Shyalamen. It was a little odd (as most of his movies are) but I enjoyed it. 

The last show I watched was Daredevil: Born Again. I love a bit of Marvel superhero action. 

M is for your Most prized possession.

I would say that my house is my most prized (and most expensive) possession. 

N is for the Name of your first crush.

I can’t recall which one of these came first but they are all from the 1970’s. 

Agnetha Fältskog

Linda Carter

O is for what you Observe from your window.

I can see my garden. The sun is shining and the sky is blue. 

P is for Phobias.

I am scared of heights, a phobia that has developed over the last thirty years. When I was in in twenties and thirties I loved heights and climbed the Empire State Building in New York and the Eiffel Tower in Paris. The thought of even approaching those two structures fills me with dread now. 

Q is for your favourite Quote.

I have lots of favourite quotes. Here’s one for you.

“I’m not as dumb as you look!” – Stan Laurel.

R is for Regret. 

I regret not learning to play a musical instrument properly when I was a kid. I did play a trombone but my heart wasn’t in it and if I found myself in my 11 year old mind I would scream “Learn the piano or the guitar!”

I also regret not putting more effort into learning foreign languages when I was a kid. 

S is for Sweets.

I don’t eat many sweets but I do like Polo mints, especially when I am travelling. 

T is for the Time you wake up.

I try to get up at around eight o’clock so I can go for a nice long walk in the morning. 

U is for Underwear.

What about it? Yes, I do wear it. 

V is for your favourite Vegetable.

I don’t think I have a favourite vegetable. I eat most things that are put in front of me but mostly I eat broccoli, carrots, peas and corn. 

W is for your Worst habit.

I have many good habits that make my retirement routine enjoyable. As for bad habits – I don’t really know. I guess I love being a little bit lazy and this contributes negatively in my war against procrastination. 

X is for X-rays. 

I have a dental X-ray every year but no others. 

Y is for your Yummiest recipe.

I hate cooking but I can cook. I guess the recipe I use most is a lovely chicken pasta. It takes no time to cook so it is wholly acceptable. 

Z is for your Zodiac sign.

I am a Libra. I am told by the charlatans that believe in all of this bunkum that I am a charming, beautiful and well-balanced person and that I am a king of compromise and am really generous. On the bad side, apparently I am superficial and a gossip and I can’t make a decision about anything. 

It’s all bullshit. 

Artificial

Welcome to a sunny and pleasant South Manchester. 

It is the day before 4th July so I guess I should mention Independence Day. 

It’s a terrible film but I love the special effects. 

Only kidding. However, I was once asked on a trip to America:

“Do y’all celebrate the fourth of July in the UK?”

I had to stop myself from laughing and I tried my best to be polite (a stereotypical trait of British people). 

“Er no!” I said with Mr Giggle inside threatening to take over. “It is an American only celebration for something that happened in 1776. We were involved I suppose but it’s not something we remember and, certainly as far as my generation are concerned, it is a meaningless day for us.”

Now, that said, I had the great pleasure of being in America on July 4th 1989. I was staying with a friend of my ex-wife in New Jersey and we had the pleasure of being the only British guests for a party to celebrate the day. I got totally involved and met a load of great people who loved the fact that I was British. I had my very own film crew - well it was a guest with a video camera who recorded me constantly, listening to my accent, my tales from back in the homeland and most bizarrely of all, the British coins and notes that I had. 

Also, one time in Boston, Mrs PM and I found ourselves on the USS Constitution, a ship that was launched in 1797 and used in the War of 1812, again fought against the British. We were in a group of about twenty people and our guide told tales of the heroics of the crew as we listened with interest, until the guide asked – “Is anyone here from England?”

Of course Mrs PM and I raised our hands …

… and were roundly booed!!

I simply burst out laughing because I like a good joke. I said “Well, I wasn’t around in 1812, but I am absolutely delighted that you guys are looking after the American colonies for us – until we come back for them, that is.”

I was happy that the group laughed at my attempt at humour – and I was joking (or was I?). 

Anyway, enough about Independence Day. I will be at a cricket match watching England play India while America celebrates its special day. I just hope that Trump doesn’t mess it up for you guys – or perhaps mess it up even more (as he is trying to make it all about him and not your country). 

I still can’t believe the mess that the Orange Goblin has made of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool in Washington. I recall walking alongside it, again in 1989, and I thought it looked amazing. He has totally ruined it. 

Anyway – to any American readers – I hope you all enjoy Independence Day - and my jokey image at the start of this post.  

Let’s steal some questions from Sunday Stealing. 

1. If you could attend a 4th of July fireworks display anywhere in the United States, where would you choose?

As I said above, I was in New Jersey on 4th July 1989, and I recall watching the firework display in New York. I spent New Year’s Eve 1998 in New York City too and had a brilliant time as the Times Square Ball was lowered in the traditional way that New Yorkers love. It was really, really cold but I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. My answer is therefore New York. 

2. What book are you currently reading?

I am currently reading a science fiction novel called "Anvil of Stars" by Greg Bear, the sequel to The Forge of God, which I read earlier this year. 

I am also reading “Economics for Dummies” but very slowly. I decided this year to read more non-fiction, and I’ve always wondered what goes on in the world of economists. It is heavy going (especially for dummies like me) but I am slowly learning a few things. 

Finally, I have decided to try to finish “Harry Potter y la piedra filosofal” which is the Spanish translation of the first Harry Potter book, the idea being that my Spanish would improve. And it has a little – but it is hard and has highlighted the fact that my Spanish is nowhere near as good as I thought it might be. 

3. What have you been listening to?

I could write several blog posts about what I have been listening to but I will keep this answer short. Here are a couple of recent favourites.

Lunatic Soul - The Prophecy

The Dowling Poole – The Saccharine Drip

Devin Townsend – Home at Night

Foo Fighters - Asking for a Friend

4. What shows or movies have you been watching?

I’m currently watching the final season (4) of Banshee, which is a very violent show about a criminal, played by Anthony Starr, who somehow becomes Sheriff of a town called Banshee. 

I’m also watching The Night Agent (season 3):

The last movie I went to see at the cinema was a couple of weeks ago – Disclosure Day:

I Am I Said (Part Two)

Welcome to a South Manchester where the weather has been scorching for the past few days. It is much cooler today, thank goodness. We have had record temperatures for the month of June both here in Manchester and in the UK as a whole. Similarly, last month we had UK temperature records for May were broken. This is our second heatwave of the year and summer has barely begun. I’m not complaining too much apart from the fact that we’re not really geared up for long stints of excessive heat here in the United Kingdom. I think that we will have to start putting in measures because I think this is the tip of the iceberg. I think a lot of global warming sceptics are now reconsidering their positions though some stubborn arses who know no better will choose to believe their favourite politicians (who incidentally also know nothing). 

I don’t want to get started on a rant about people who don’t believe experts so I shall stop now and answer some silly questions from Sunday Stealing. 

I LOVE TO …

I love to have lazy days. I plan a blog post on this in the future but the gist is this: now that I am retired, I have a routine where I religiously try to plan weird and geeky things to keep me occupied. However, there are days when I just don’t feel like doing anything. And so I just do nothing productive whatsoever. I watch TV, I sit in the garden reading (weather permitting), I play stupid games on the PS 5 or just sit listening to music. And such days are wonderful. 

I SOMETIMES …

I sometimes consider taking up my old career but as a hobby this time. During the early days of working in IT I used to thoroughly enjoy writing software and seeing the results of my creations in action in the real world. However, as the years went by, I found myself doing that less and less as a combination of office politics and business bullshit infected my job. By the end I was so disillusioned that I was desperate to retire. 

However, I sometimes think about those early days and how much fun I had and wonder what it would be like to write code again. Of course, I would want to use the latest technology so there would be a bit of a learning curve but it would be fun, especially of I opted to explore the world of Artificial Intelligence. If I’m honest, it is unlikely that I will do it in the next couple of years because I am happy with what I am doing. But, never say never …

I FEAR …

I fear the path that the world seems to be heading down. We live in a world where blatant lies are told by politicians and influencers and gullible people believe them even though they can be proven to be factually incorrect. It might be funny that idiots believe that the world is shaped like a frisbee but the number of people with such outrageous beliefs is increasing exponentially. And the politics of hatred are spreading like wildfire globally. I can only hope that people realise what is going on and take steps to stop it happening in the future. 

However, we have the personification and embodiment of everything that is wrong in the world shitting himself on his golden throne in the White House and I can only hope that this is the pinnacle of the insanity that threatens our world, and as sensible people we react and do something to change direction. 

I MISS …

I miss my sister Julie. She sadly passed away suddenly a couple of years ago. She was only 57 years old. It was a total shock to me and my other sister. She was one of the strongest and most driven people I have known. She was intelligent with a huge personality and was probably the one person in the world most likely to be blunt and tell me exactly what she thought of what I was doing even if I didn’t want to hear it. My other sister does that too but never so forcefully. We used to have deep conversations about the world and its problems and come up with plans to rectify the insanity of the world. I miss those conversations. 

I CRAVE …

I crave junk food sometimes. I don’t eat a lot of it but when I do, it is so naughty that I feel like a mischievous little kid again. The other day, we passed a KFC and I remarked to Mrs PM that I haven’t had KFC for decades. I remember loving it and that’s probably why I stopped eating it because it is so fattening. In my head I was thinking “Just get a bucket of chicken! DO IT! DO IT!”. 

Common sense prevailed but it was close, I can tell you. I might just suggest a trip to the chippy tonight to get a huge plate of fish, chips and mushy peas. It’ll be okay just this once. 

Everything in moderation, right? 

I CHERISH …

I cherish Mrs PM. Enough said, I think. 

I AM IMPATIENT WHEN …

I am impatient when I am in a queue. One of the myths about British people is that we love queuing. I will be honest here; I bloody HATE queuing and if that makes me seem unBritish then so be it. It is particularly bad at airport because you have to queue up to check in (or bag drop) and go through security and, at the other end you have to queue up for immigration and stand like a total lemon waiting for your bags before queuing up for buses, taxis or trains. It’s infuriating and this is why I need somebody to invent a Star Trek transporter.  

Personal Shopper

Welcome to a sunny South Manchester where the weather has improved. We’re due to have higher temperatures next week, starting at 26 °C tomorrow and rising to 30 °C by next weekend (that’s 79 °F to 86 °F). 

England started their World Cup campaign fairly well beating Croatia 4-2, conceding two goals in the first half that they really shouldn’t have. It’s something to work on I guess for the next game which takes place on Tuesday. 

Let’s dive into some questions from Sunday Stealing. 

Sadly, this week, they are about shopping and this is one of my least favourite pastimes.

IT IS SO BORING!!!

I do shop but I rarely go out to do it, buying most things online these days. The exception to that is really grocery shopping, which I do every week because I am retired and Mrs PM still works. 

As you read my answers, here is a song called Personal Shopper by Steven Wilson (featuring Sir Elton John) that really sums up my views on shopping and is very apt for this post. 

Come on, Dave: hold you nose and jump in. 

Shopping Day. What's on your shopping list from ...

1. Target or Walmart, or other superstore?

Neither Target nor Walmart exist in the UK, though I am familiar with Walmart from previous trips to the United States. We do have lots of superstores though, the biggest one probably is Tesco, which is a chain of supermarkets of varying sizes ranging from small ones called “Tesco Local” to huge ones that sell a variety of other things as well as your normal everyday groceries, such as clothes, electrical appliances etc. 

I do all of my grocery shopping at Tesco because it is the nearest but occasionally (and I mean very occasionally) I will go to other “superstores” such as Debenhams, Marks & Spencers and various others. 

2. Dollar Tree or Dollar General, or poundstretcher/99p store?

Again, we don’t have Dollar Tree or Dollar General in the UK. From what I can gather, our equivalent is Poundstretcher and I can honestly say that I have never set foot inside one. 

3. Best Buy or any other electronics/appliance store?

We don’t have Best Buy in the UK either. However the closest equivalents are Currys, Dixons and Comet. Being a fan of electronic gadgets generally I have actually set foot inside each of the three shops and bought stuff from them. I guess my first choice would be Currys because they have the most choice. But then again, these days I tend to look at what I need online and then choose which retailer offers the best price. 

4. Book/music store?

For books my favourite store is Waterstones, which is a specialist bookstore with some large shops in most places. Sadly, I only read books electronically now, which even more sadly means that I have to contribute, albeit in a small way, to keeping Jeff Bezos in the lifestyle in which he wallows at the moment. 

For music, I used to shop at places like HMV or Virgin records. Again, though, it was easier to buy CDs at Amazon, which means adding even more to Bezos’s already brimming bank accounts. Thankfully I no longer buy CDs, choosing instead to add to Spotify’s coffers. 

5. Bonus question! Where do you want to stop for lunch?

On the rare occasions when I head into Manchester city centre to go shopping with Mrs PM (and it is rare – I can’t recall the last time I actually did it), I suggest that we pop into a pub for lunch. That way I can have a beer to help nullify the trauma and tedium of wandering around shops. 

Do It Yourself

Welcome to what is now a sunny South Manchester. It makes a change because it has been raining a lot recently. For example, this morning I went on my usual early walk and it rained non-stop for the duration, which lasted an hour and a quarter. I was drenched! 

It’s supposed to be June. It’s supposed to be summer in a week or so. 

Sometimes I wish that I lived in Spain. 

Let’s dive in and answer some silly questions from Sunday Stealing. 

It’s a bit different this week because regular contributors have each suggested a question, myself included. And, yes, I think my question is the weirdest (as you will see). 

1. Would you rather have every traffic light turn green or always get the best parking spot? (Kwizgiver) 

I don’t drive much these days. If I’m honest, it’s because I don’t really like driving; I never have. However, when I do drive, I sometimes lose patience and feel the burning onset of road rage rising in my mind. This is aggravated by being in a hurry especially if the roads are busy with people who are just pootling along without a care in the world. Traffic lights add to this evolving frustration because, in my experience at least, the number of red lights you encounter is directly proportional to how much of a hurry you are in. Put simply, if you are late or in a hurry, you will encounter red lights all the time. 

The answer to this question is therefore simple. I would always rather have every traffic light turn green. 

2. What's the most difficult thing you have ever done? (Gold in the Clouds) 

That’s also easy. The most difficult thing I have ever done is to climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge. I am terrified of heights and I had a moment of utter insanity and agreed to do it. Here is proof:

3. What information do you know that you are proud of/happy about, but others say, "Who cares?" (Roger) 

This is a tricky one. I guess it has to do with sport and the football team I support. My team is in the fourth tier of English football and they are called Walsall. When you decide to support a team you hand over your soul to them, and I did just that when I was six years old before I knew any better. 

The result is that I support a really bad team who barely win anything. The problem now is that I live in a city that is surrounded by teams that are far more successful than my team. You may have heard of Manchester United and Manchester City. And when I discuss football with supporters of these teams (and other more successful teams), I always try to express my enthusiasm for Walsall. Do they care? Absolutely not. I usually get laughed at or told “Manchester United are one of the biggest clubs in the world. Who cares about your shitty team?”. 

I do – sadly. 

4. What mystery do you wish you knew the answer to? (Myra/Mevely)

Another tricky question because I love mysteries, especially weird ones. I think to be honest it would have to be an answer to the question:

 “Do aliens exist and have they been visiting planet Earth?”. 

I am not one of those people who fervently believe that aliens exist and that UFOs really are of alien design. I just want to know. As a science-oriented person, the truth is that the evidence supports the theory that aliens and UFOs do not exist and that there is a logical explanation for some of the things that people have witnessed in the past 80 years or so. Yet some of the things I have seen on TV programmes are truly bizarre and you could argue that there is something out there. 

It would be nice to know for sure. 

5. What small, ordinary thing brings you disproportionate joy? (Country Dew)

The World Cup has started and I am looking forward to spending a lot of time watching the games on TV, especially when England are playing. Whenever I sit down to watch TV, one of the cats usually sits next to me, almost glued to my left leg like a limpet. On my right will be a table where I will either be sipping a large mug of decaffeinated tea or, if I am feeling a little naughty, a glass of beer. This particular scenario will bring me a lot of pleasure in the next couple of weeks, especially if Mrs decides to join me (she doesn’t really like football) and, of course, England win. 

6. What time do you go to sleep/wake up?  (Annie)

My smartwatch nags me. It tells me when I have to stand up, how many calories I have burned and that my goals (which it decided) will not being achieved unless I pull my finger out. It also nags me around bedtime telling me that I should consider going to bed. If I don’t get eight hours at least (again decided by the watch) then it nags me. 

As a result of this I have tried to placate the bloody thing. Consequently I go to bed about 11pm to 11:30pm usually and I wake up roughly seven and a half hours later. 

7. What is your favourite sleeping position? (Lisa) 

I usually sleep on my right side because it usually helps me get to sleep more quickly. However, when I wake up my position can vary. The only position I can’t sleep in is on my front. 

8. Describe your personal Utopia. (Pandora) 

I have this fantasy of becoming World President and banishing all odious people on a one-way flight into space to discover a new planet for themselves (but not the rest of us) to live on. 

My personal Utopia would be a world where all such people do not exist on the planet. That means no Donald Trump, Valdimir Putin and all the other political arses who cause so much chaos in the world. I want a world where everybody gets on and countries welcome visitors with not a care where they came from and everybody is totally free with no oppression whatsoever. It would be nice to have a transporter device such that if anybody starts to show Trump-like qualities then their punishment will be to be beamed onto the fleet of spaceships looking for planet Arse.

9. Imagine that you have a machine that can create any new invention for you based on your description. What you ask the machine to create, and why? (Plastic Mancunian)

I told you that my question is the weirdest. 

I would ask it to create a time machine for me. This time machine would be indestructible and have all the comforts of home and would be able to take me anywhere or anywhen. To be honest, I would use it initially to go to the future and see what technological innovations have been created in the decades to come and where we are with space exploration and the like. When I am satisfied with that I would then pop to the past and perhaps observe the shenanigans of divisive historical figures like Henry VIII or maybe pop to Ancient Rome and spend a day strolling around talking to normal Roman people. 

Comfort Zone

Welcome to a changeable South Manchester where the weather has changed since the highs of last week. It’s not unpleasant but it is a lot cooler and we have had a few rain showers. Apparently, the weather is more typical of early June – so that’s alright then (he says sarcastically). 

Still, there is cricket going on and Wimbledon is due at the end of the month. There is plenty of time for more intense heat or intense rain and thunderstorms before then. 

The World Cup starts this week in Canada, Mexico and The United States and England and Scotland have qualified. It should be interesting and now that I have retired I will be able to become a total couch potato for the duration and watch as many games as I can. It was always a problem when I worked because work completely go in the way. Sadly, because it is across the pond, it means that the games kick off much later and some of them take place in the middle of the night. I may be retired but I won’t be staying up until 4am to watch any matches. I will simply record them and watch them the following morning. Luckily England’s games are at a reasonable time. 

Come on England!

Let’s dive into some odd questions from Sunday Stealing. 

This time they require a little thought. Those are my kind of questions. I love a challenge. 

1. What celebrity would you never want to meet? 

Honestly, there are hundreds of them. For example, there are thousands who are only famous for being on reality TV shows because their egos have told them that they deserve to be famous when the reality is that they have no talent whatsoever. I also wouldn’t want to meet anybody who thinks that he or she is better than me simply because other people know who they are. 

To those people, I just want to say you are NOT better than me at all. In fact, in may ways you are far worse than me. 

So, let me pick a "celebrity" for you. 

Piers Morgan.

This man used to be a tabloid newspaper editor and has since managed to find his way into mainstream television as a presenter, interviewer and all-round pain in the backside. He is controversial and loves to be so just to stoke division and anger people. A lot of people in the UK despise him and when he went to America the whole of the UK breathed a collective sigh of relief. And then the Americans sent him back! Why?

Here’s an example of why I really don’t like him:

I also wanted to mention James Corden but I don’t want to bore you with the list of reasons why I dislike him.

2. What do you label yourself as?

I label myself as bit of a weirdo and a bit of a geek. I tick a lot of the boxes for both. For example:

• I have worn glasses since the age of eight and when I was eighteen I looked like the stereotypical nerd you find in geek-bashing movies.
• I love science fiction and anything weird and wonderful such as superheroes.
• I would probably have fit in quite well as a geek on The Big Bang Theory (though not quite as weird as those guys and definitely not as clever – theoretical physics is extremely difficult to understand). 
• I worked in IT for 40 years and my degree is Computational & Statistical Science).
• I was really good at maths (note the extra “s”) and I am pedantic. 

Of course, I do have some qualities that are not geeky and weird but if I weren’t a little strange I just wouldn’t be me - and I like being me.

3. You can only have one sandwich for the rest of your life. You have every sandwich-making ingredient known to man at your disposal. What sandwich do you make? 

That’s easy. It would be ham and cheese with tomato, lettuce and mayonnaise. It’s a simple sandwich but I love it. 

4. An angel provides you with a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. What's it gonna be?

It would be beer. The problem with beer is that I tend to drink bitter and ales in the winter and lager in the summer so the lifetime supply would have to take that into account. 

5. Have you ever built a snowman?

Yes, I have. I built one when I was a kid and I also built one or two with the help of my two lads when they were young. 

6. If you could ask your future self a question, what would it be?

Can you look up the winning numbers for the Euromillions lottery next week and tell me what they are?

7. Have you ever baked your own birthday cake?

Absolutely not. I have baked a very simple cake with my two kids when they were young. It was so simple that even I could bake it. The kitchen was a total mess but it was fun. 

8. Which are cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

Dinosaurs are definitely cooler because dragons do not exist. Also, when I was in junior school (that would be aged between 7 and 10) I was obsessed with dinosaurs. At the time, we were asked to write a project over a period of a term about anything we wanted (within reason) and I chose dinosaurs. I have rarely had more fun at school.

I also love movies involving dinosaurs, even the old ones from the 1950’s and 1960’s and I have seen every Jurassic Park movie at the cinema (apart from the last one – I was on holiday at the time). 

9. What do you like about babies?

I recently told Mrs PM that I hate feet – even my own. But babies’ feet are lovely. They are pure and clean and cute. Also, I love it when a baby is just lying there cooing and smiling and giggling. It is such fun to watch them – even better if you can make them giggle yourself. 

10. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. What's the first rule you put in place?

This is smaller in scale to my dream of one day becoming World President and removing every odious person from Planet Earth in a fleet of spaceships whose aim is to find a new world where they can live and not annoy the rest of us. Piers Morgan is the pilot.

So, if I had an island instead, I would banish any odious person from setting foot on it, especially politicians. 

Think of a question you'd like to ask and insert it here.

Imagine that you have a machine that can create any new invention for you based on your description of it. What would you ask the machine to create – and why?

Filling in the Blanks

Welcome to a very pleasant South Manchester. I was in Nerja on the south coast of Spain recently and the temperature was a very nice 22°C to 24°C. However, when we returned to Manchester just over a week ago, we were amazed to discover that the temperature was 27°C – and it got even hotter over the next few days, peaking at 32°C on Monday, which is a record for May. Who says global warming doesn’t exist? It has cooled down a little to a pleasant 23°C and I enjoyed watching a cricket match yesterday. 

It’s been a while since I have had the time to answer some silly questions from Sunday Stealing so let’s put that right. 

1. _____ is not the end of the world.

Making mistakes is not the end of the world. 

I speak from experience, here. Over the years I have made hundreds of mistakes and I daresay that I will continue to make them in the future. The one thing that I am certain of is that I usually learn from such mistakes (as the old adage shows). I am also happy to admit it when I do mess up and I wish that certain other people would also do that. 

2. _____ tastes so good!

Cheese tastes so good.

I try not to eat too much cheese but when I do, I always enjoy it. I’ve tried a lot of different types over the years and I enjoy most of them. I am not so keen on things like Stilton but when used in cheese sauce it becomes very acceptable. 

3. Sometimes, putting others first is _____.

Sometimes putting others first is a mistake.

I regard myself as a considerate person and I will always try to help others if I can. The only problem is that some people take advantage of your good nature and I discovered this a lot at work, when helping people who were struggling to the point where I ended up doing their work for them and putting myself behind as a result. I learned that lesson quickly enough. 

4. _____ is breathtaking, really.

Planet Earth is breathtaking really. 

I love this planet that we live on and while it can be inhabited by arses like Trump and Putin, there is so much beauty out there to explore. A glorious sunrise or sunset can actually change my mood for the better. Some of the scenery I have seen on my travels is exquisite, from incredible waterfalls in Iguazu, Brazil and Niagara, Canada to the sweeping fields of Cheshire on a sunny day. 

Sunset over the Aegean Sea

Niagara

Iguazu Falls, Brazil

A view across the Cheshire plains

5. Well, maybe there is _____.

Well, maybe there is a God. 

Or is there? I don’t want to get into the depths of a discussion about whether God exists or not. However, some deeply religious people don’t question it. I like to trust science and scientifically nobody has provided proof of the existence of a supreme divine being. That doesn’t mean that there isn’t any  because we have only scratched the surface when it comes to scientific discovery. 

When I was growing up as a Catholic boy, I was told that God did exist and that I should devote all of my time to worshipping him. I was told that I had a guardian angel. I was told that good was omniscient and that he knew everything about me, including my thoughts. I believed everything the priests preached to me until, well, I started questioning things. 

For example, I asked where heaven and hell are, given that space is infinite. I asked why I needed to confess my sins when God was supposed to know everything that I done already. I asked why the Holy Ghost was a ghost and who he had been when he was alive. And then I asked why the Bible contradicted itself, something I also recently asked a Jehovah’s Witness on my doorstep. 

I have said this before and I will say it again. If God really does exist then all he has to do is appear to me and have a chat with me over a cup of tea. If he did that then I would be the most devoted follower of God on this planet.

6.  This week, my plans include _____ .

This week my plans include going to Keswick in the Lake District with my sister and enjoying a walk in the hills. Of course, I will also eat, sleep and complete all of my daily duties. And, of course I will be at the beck and call of my two furry overlords. 

The Antique

 I was in Liverpool with my eldest lad and I walked past a pub that I used to pop into back in the early 1980’s. Outside there was a sign that said “Established 1898”. 

“I used to go in there when I was a student,” I said with a smile, reminiscing as the memories of fun nights out with friends came flooding back. 

“Oh really? What was it like on opening night?” he asked with a laugh. 

This happens on a fairly regular basis when my two lads decide that I am a walking antique. I've been called a fossil, a dinosaur and a caveman. I have successfully managed to ignore such jibes, adding "It will happen to you one day!".  

Occasionally, sadly, such things catch me unawares and I react. Usually, I am quite happy to be a man in my early 60’s and mostly I ignore my advancing years. In my head I am still that 18 year old lunatic (probably with the brain of a 15 year old if I'm honest). The only thought that pops into my head when confronted by a reminder of my age is “Oh – I remember that” and it is almost always with fondness and causes me to laugh or smile. 

Last weekend I went away for a weekend with some friends all around my age (ranging from 55 to 66) and we had a good time just catching up and enjoying each other’s company. One afternoon, we went to a place in the Cheshire countryside that is basically a family park or village with lots of attractions, such as quirky shops, various country-based activities, restaurants and bars. 

We popped into a shop that advertised itself as an antiques shop. Initially I spotted a few items of furniture, books and an assortment of household items and ornaments that I would have said fitted into the category of “antique”. However, as I strolled further into the store, I noticed that there were a few items described as “collectibles” but originated from my youth; memories came flooding back. I saw old records, toys, magazines, football programmes, games, books and many other items that I was very familiar with. These were things that my parents bought for me or that they had had around the house having bought them back in the 1950’s to the 1980’s or perhaps been given them by my grandparents, which definitely made them antiques. 

I thought to myself – I really am quite old if I remember these things. 

For example, I flicked through several record collections for sale and saw albums that I used to have from the 1970’s or that my parents had bought when they were young (we are talking 1950’s and 1960’s here). I saw a cutlery set where the handles were made of faux bone ivory that I remember eating with as a kid in the late 1970’s. There were old games, Corgi and Dinky model cars that I once had a vast collection of, and lots of old books by people like Enid Blyton that my two sisters and I used to read. 

It was like stepping back in time. 

And then I thought – “Bloody hell! I really am an antique!”

Have you heard of the term “mid-century”? It is used to describe items that span the middle years of the 20th century from the early 1930’s to the end of the 1960’s. I was born in 1962 so, strictly speaking, that makes ME mid-century. I had only heard it mentioned in terms of antiques on shows like “Bargain Hunt” and “Antiques Roadshow”. 

For some reason this struck a chord and when I returned home, I looked up the definition of “antique” and I was pleasantly surprised. To define something as an antique it has to be at least 100 years old. Thank goodness for that, I thought. Things that are over 50 years old are described as “vintage”. This means that I am not antique; I am merely vintage – and also mid-century. 

That’s a relief. 

Back on our Cheshire break, after the trip to the antique shop, we returned to the place we were staying and decided to play some music with our evening meal. For a change we decided to play songs from Spotify that were number 1 in the UK for various milestones. For example, when we were born, when we were 10, 18 and 21. I have to say that when I heard them all, I started to think about being old again. These songs were all over 40 years old, for goodness’ sake and no matter how good they were, it didn’t stop my age from coming back to haunt me, especially after seeing toys, books and games from my youth in the shop claiming to be antique. 

I’m over it now, because I have been happily listening to songs from the 1970’s to the 1990’s since then and my happy memories of times that were up to 50 years ago are still worth cherishing. I am sure that in the future I will be hit by the realisation that I am an old man now. However, it will be a fleeting negative feeling I think because I have friends who are older than me and I love reminiscing about times gone by. They were happy times in a world that was vastly different to the one we are living in now. 

I am proud and happy to be a vintage mid-century man. 

More Plastic Factoids

 

Welcome to a typical April day in South Manchester. April has been warm this year but we seem to have returned to normal now with sunny spells and intermittent showers, the so-called “April Showers”. It’s definitely getting warmer though and this means that my favourite season is on its way. 

Let’s dive in with some silly questions from Sunday Stealing. 

1. Are you the sort of person who can nap or sleep anywhere, any time?

Sadly no – unless I am really, really tired. This only usually occurs when I am jet-lagged or have been flying for hours, for example on a trip back from China where the journey took 24 hours. The only other time I have slept like that was when I caught Covid. 

I am envious of Mrs PM because she can sleep anywhere. On our recent trip to Malaysia she fell asleep lots of times to help remove the jet lag, leaving me sitting there like an absolute lemon because I was wide awake. I wouldn’t mind – I don’t even consume caffeine so I don’t know what prevented me from sleeping. Even on the plane, I was possibly the only person awake, apart from the pilot and the stewards/stewardesses. Mrs PM was leaning on my shoulder and looked like she was in absolute sleep heaven. 

Normally I get about 7 to 8 hours sleep a day so I can and do sleep well. I just can’t sleep on demand and jet lag usually messes me up, despite all the advice I’ve received over the years. None of it works. 

2. Have you ever walked in your sleep?

Only when I was a young kid and even then only then once or twice. My dad found me in the bathroom once putting a load of toys into the bathtub. When he switched on the light, he woke me up and I was as surprised as he was. I had no idea why I was there. 

It was a rare occurrence and hasn’t happened to me since then. 

3. Do you chat with your Uber/Lyft/taxi driver?

Yes, sometimes. I don’t usually instigate the chat but occasionally I do. Most of them are quite friendly although I have had the odd one who is bad tempered or just a grumpy old git who wants to vent his spleen. 

4. Do you remember what you did on Valentine's Day?

No. To me Valentine’s Day is a huge con to get people to spend their money. Restaurant prices go up as do the prices of flowers and chocolates. I don’t need “the man” to tell me when to be romantic – I can do that any time. And I am not prepared to sit in a restaurant and pay twice the amount of money for a meal that had much cheaper the week before. 

Sorry for the minor rant there but it annoys me. 

5. How many laptops have you owned over your lifetime?

Probably about four or five. Before that I had desktops. At work, I used to have a new laptop every year or so because the improvement in technology, capacity of disk and memory meant that I could do my job a lot more efficiently because it was cost effective. 

6. How many countries have you visited?

I have visited 41 countries so far in my life. This year I added Malaysia to that list and I will be adding Slovakia and Austria to that list later in the year. There are many more I want to add but whether I will get to all of them is unknown at the moment. Three new countries in a year isn’t too bad though.  

7. Did you/will you go to work today?

HA HA HA! I have retired so the answer is a resounding NO!!!

I love being retired. 

A FAB Storm Called Dave

Welcome to a slightly dodgy South Manchester where at the moment, the weather is okay. The problem is that there is a storm coming which is going to hit the British Isles later today and overnight. 

We have no plans for Easter other than my usual daily walk, which may be an issue tomorrow morning because there is a storm coming. I’m not concerned about that though. What I am concerned about is the name that the Met Office has given the storm. 

They have called it STORM DAVE!

Why did they choose Dave? Why not David? David is bad enough but nobody calls me “David”. People call me “Dave”. 

Here is an excerpt from a message that my daughter-in-law sent me:

I felt that I had to reply:

My son and his wife live in Prestwich, a small town north of Manchester and home to the biggest park in Greater Manchester called Heaton Park, which is a wonderful place and has a lot of gigs there in the summer. This is relevant because I decided to ask ChatGPT to create a picture of what their Easter may be like when “Storm Dave” arrives. This is it and I felt that I had to send it to my dearest daughter-in-law:

I am starting to have some great fun with ChatGPT and AI in general, so much so that I am considering in the future dipping my toe into the world of IT again as a hobby. That’s a fledging idea forming that may or may not happen. 

Anyway, enough fun and banter. I hope that we won’t have to batten down the hatches when Dave arrives. Let’s answer some silly questions from Sunday Stealing. 

F. Film: What movie or tv show are you watching? 

As I said when I wrote a similar post last year, I usually have four shows on the go, two shared with Mrs PM and two for me alone. Here are my current ones:

Mr Mercedes

This is a shared one with Mrs PM. Last year I read the book Mr Mercedes by Stephen King and this is the show that is based on that book. It has three seasons and we have just started the final one. The book was gruesome and so is the series. It stars Brendan Gleason as retired detective Bill Hodges who is being pursued and tormented by a serial killer, the aforementioned Mr Mercedes, who he failed to catch when he was in active service. We’re enjoying it and Mrs PM has decided to read the book. 

The Walking Dead: Darryl Dixon

This is a shared series with Mrs PM and is a spin off from the Walking Dead but set in Europe. So far the hero of the series, Daryl Dixon played by Norman Reedus, has been to France, England (briefly) and now Spain. He has been joined by Carol Peletier, played by Melissa McBride, also from the original series. I liked the Walking Dead and this is slightly more interesting in some ways because it is set in Europe. We are watching the latest season, which is season three. 

American Horror Story: Coven (season three)

I watched the first two seasons of this really gruesome show but the truth is that when I finish a season, I need a break from it. I used to really love horror shows and films but as I’ve got older, I can’t quite take the horror as well as I used to. This is why I have a big gap between seasons when I watch this show. Coven is season three and there are twelve seasons. At this rate it will take twelve years to watch them all because after this I will need another gap. It is very enjoyable but, as the title suggests, a very grisly and scary series that my younger self would have absolutely binge-watched to the end. And yes, I am enjoying it – but I will need a break when season three ends. 

Banshee

I am a big fan of The Boys, which stars Anthony Starr as the evil Homelander. I am looking forward to the final season, which is on very soon (and may already have started). However, my son told me that Anthony Starr previously starred in a very good series called Banshee and I have decided to give that one a go. I’ve only watched two episodes of the first season and it has me hooked already. It is a crime series where an ex-con (Anthony Starr) is searching for his ex-girlfriend and finds her in the town of Banshee where circumstances mean that he cons his way into becoming the sheriff of the town. 

A. Audio: What are you listening to?

There are a lot of new albums due out this year from some of my favourite artists. However, I shall mention a new band that I discovered right at the end of last year called IHLO. They are a British Progressive Metal band and have two albums to their name. I have listened to the first a few times and I am just starting to listen to their second offering. 

Here is a song from their first album that I absolutely love. It is called Coalescence and it is a belter:

B. Book: What are you reading?

I’m currently reading two things. I have almost finished “Quiet” by Susan Cain, which is all about the ups and downs of being an introvert. In terms of fiction I am reading a series of science fiction novels called The Survivors by Nathan Hystad. Whether I persist with them I don’t know. I have twelve books but the series is apparently still going on strong with book twenty-four. I may just finish the one I am currently reading (number four) and then have a break and move onto something else. 

Plastic Factoids

Welcome to a sunny spring day in South Manchester. Winter is still fighting though as I discovered on a walk on Thursday. Thankfully I was prepared for the worst because the weather forecast said “there may be rain”. 

Let me tell you what I experienced. 

It was sunny for the first ten minutes and then suddenly, from seemingly nowhere, the heavens opened and decided to hurl down hail. Not content with that, the wind picked up and threatened to destroy my brolly and even me. Ten minutes later, the hail turned to a deluge of rain and even though I had a coat and a terrified umbrella with me, it didn’t stop my jeans from getting drenched. And so it went on for the next six miles with freezing cold temperatures. That is, until two minutes from home, when the clouds disappeared and the sun came out raising the temperature again. I was in the house again remarking to Mrs PM that the weather was nice now, only to be proven wrong immediately as I looked out of the window and saw that the sun had vanished to be replaced by snow!

Such is spring in Manchester. 

In other news, I was disheartened to hear that Chuck Norris has passed away. While he wasn’t the world’s greatest actor, I recall laughing at how dreadful “Walker, Texas Ranger” was, marvelling at the fight scene between him and Bruce Lee in “The Way of the Dragon”. More recently, I remember laughing loudly at the Chuck Norris jokes that flooded the internet for a long time. I even wrote a blog post it:

Chuck Norris v Mr T 

He even lampooned himself in Expendables 2 – enjoy the punchline:

Rest in Peace Chuck.

Shall we answer some silly questions from Sunday Stealing? 

1. Is your phone Apple or Android? What about your laptop?

I used to have an iPod but when that died, so did my association with Apple. 

My phone is Android because there is a lot more choice out there and I find them superior to iPhones. In fact in my experience, a lot of guys who work in IT prefer Android. I’m not saying that iPhones are bad; technically they are very good and of course led the wayat the dawn of the smartphone. I just think they are overpriced and not as good as Android phones. That’s my own personal opinion. 

I have a Dell laptop running Windows 11. Bizarrely, I’ve heard good things about Mac laptops but in this case, I have always worked with Microsoft, making it easier to just hit the ground running when I have to get a new one. 

2. Can you say "thank you" in more than one language?

Yes, I can. I can say “Thank you” in English, French (“Merci”), German (“Danke”), Spanish (“Gracias”), Russian (“Спасибо” pronounced “spasibo”), Portuguese (“obrigado”), Dutch (“Bedankt”), Mandarin (“謝謝”, pronounced “Xiexie”) and Japanese (“ありがとう” pronounced “Arigato”).

This doesn’t make me a total polyglot because apart from English, I can barely make myself understood in French, German and Spanish and struggle when people speak back to me. Some people say that I can barely speak English. 

3. What do you draw when you doodle?

I don’t doodle now but I used to when I was working, particularly in tedious meetings, where doodling helped me to stay awake as the bullshit flowed around. 

What did I draw? 

I would either try to draw a man’s face and, if the meeting was particularly soul-destroying, that man would evolve into a vampire. 

I would also occasionally draw cubes and cuboids, shading them in or trying to combine them into elaborate sculptures. 

Before I finish, I have to say that I am terrible at drawing and if you were to see anything I attempted you would say something like “that’s good for a three-year old” or “wow – that chimp can actually vaguely draw!”. 

4. Which do you enjoy more, Scrabble or bowling?

I assume you mean tenpin bowling as opposed to crown green bowling. 

Either way, that’s a tough one. I am not very good at either type of bowling. I am also not very good at Scrabble. 

On reflection, I would say that I probably enjoy Scrabble first, then tenpin bowling then crown green bowling. But I enjoy them all. 

5. Can you juggle?

I can only juggle my hobbies in retirement. As for juggling balls and skittles, absolutely no chance. My hand/eye coordination is non-existent when it comes to such things. 

6. Have you ever worn pyjamas in public?

Why would I ever even consider doing that? 

7. Was your best subject in school the one you enjoyed the most?

That would be maths (dearest American readers – note the “s”). I seem to be quite gifted when it comes to all things mathematical and I flew through my “O-level”, “AO-Level” and “A-Level” passing all three of them with the top grade (in the UK that is an “A”). 

At university, I had to take several maths courses as part of my Computational and Statistical Science degree and that is when I started to find it tricky. Because I entered university with such good exam results, they put me in with the top mathematics graduates and I found it very taxing (although I still managed to pass the exams). Thankfully in my final year, I managed to ditch all mathematics modules to concentrate on the Computer Science and Statistics exams. 

Before then, at school, I was such a nerd that I used to do past exam papers for fun. 

WHAT A GEEK I WAS (and probably still am). 

8. When you're offered the senior discount before you ask for it, are you offended or grateful?

I have never been offered a senior discount before asking for it, even though I am in some cases a senior. In the UK, my pension age is 67 so I won’t get the state pension until then (I have about three and a half years to wait). But such is the weirdness of the UK sometimes, that I can often get a discount for being over 60. 

The big problem is that I don’t actually look my age and people look at me and question how old I really am. I have suffered this from the age of 18 when I wanted to buy a beer or get into an 18 certificate movie (rated R in the US) but was refused. Back then we didn’t have official ID cards (we still don’t - I use my driver's licence) so I was wrongly refused – even when I was as old as my early 20’s. I didn’t learn to drive until I was 23 so as soon as I got my driver’s license things changed. 

The last time I was asked my age in a pub was when I was 30 years old. The barmaid, who was clearly younger than me, said “I think you are over 18 but I just thought I would check. Are you over 18?” I laughed and said “Yes! I’m 30!”. “OH MY GOD!” she said, laughing. “You’re way older than I am.”

These days, I have my driver’s license with me all the time so I can get discount tickets for things like the cinema quite easily. I really should ask Mr Google or Mr ChatGPT to find out what I can actually get a discount for. I might save money. 

9. Do you agree that with age comes wisdom?

Absolutely. The reason is that we all learn from our mistakes and I have made so many in my life that I have lost count of them. This puts me (and others like me) in the enviable position that I can judge situations based on earlier mistakes I have made and advise youngsters based on my own experience and things I have struggled with. 

I still make mistakes and I am still learning so it is an ongoing process even at my age. 

10. Do you consider Sunday the first day of the week or the last day of the weekend? 

When I was working, I considered Sunday as the last day of the weekend because, for me, the week started in anger on Monday. 

Now that I have retired, every day is like Saturday, so I am happy to consider Sunday to be the first Saturday of the week. 

Teenage Wildlife

Welcome to a sunny and warm spring day in South Manchester. It looks like we have dismissed winter for another few months, although typically, particularly in the UK, it can come back just to nip us on the arse occasionally. 

It must be getting warmer because the cricket season starts in a couple of weeks and I will be popping to Old Trafford to watch a few games this season as long as the weather is good enough that is. 

Let’s answer some silly Sunday Stealing  questions about adolescence. I have to say that this time of my life was particularly hormonal and as such I became a bit of an arse before I finally started to grow up. You could argue that I am still growing up in my 60’s – it’s a long process for me. 

Have you ever: 

1. Skipped school?

No. I was a cheeky little bugger but I was quite studious and conscientious; I wanted the best grades possible. The school I went to was a grammar school which put a lot of emphasis on succeeding academically with the ultimate goal to be to attend university and fly off into the sunset with a great career with great qualifications. While I used to arrogantly question the teachers and act like an immature little monster, they somehow managed to convince me that academic achievement was something that I needed to pursue. That means that I never even considered playing truant. 

2. Lettered in a school sport?

I had to look this up. I have never heard of “lettering in a school sport” and Mr Google informed me that it is an Americanism that means that you have excelled so much in a sport that you have a letter on your jacket to display as a sort of award. This actually explains a lot to me in that I never realized the significance of having a jacket like this:

I have seen them but usually only in American “teen” movies. You live and learn.

We don’t have such things in the UK and to be honest I wasn’t good enough at sport to have achieved such a dubious accolade. I did make the school sports team for cross country running, which involves a race over rough terrain such as fields, roads and woodland for a middle distance of about five miles on average. I hated it because you had to run in the coldest parts of winter. I failed at rugby because I was too small and I failed at cricket because I was hit in the face by a cricket ball and it made me very nervous about participating. I did play other sports but for fun more than achievement. 

3. Made a prank phone call?

Oh yes. We called up one of my teachers once pretending to be meals on wheels and it was working until my mate screamed out my name. The teacher never said anything but I am sure that he started picking on me more afterwards. We also called taxis for people once or twice. 

4. Paid for a meal with coins?

Not a meal but a pint of beer. When I was a student in Liverpool, I had a jar where I stored all of my spare change, and one day I worked out that I had a few quid in there – enough to buy a couple of pints at the local pub. Sadly, when I counted out the cost of the pint in 1p and 2p coins, the barman told me that he would accept it this time but not again. I was tempted to question his judgement until I realised that I was surrounded by a lot of local people who were already annoyed at this spotty little bespectacled student. 

I never did it again. 

5. Laughed until some sort of beverage came out of your nose?

Oh yes – several times as both a child and an adult. The last time it happened was when somebody told a joke in the office and I had a mouth full of tea, which I managed to eject from my mouth and nose all over my desk, onto my keyboard and all over my notebook. It was unpleasant but I couldn’t stop laughing. And the worst thing was that the joke wasn’t even that funny – it just caught me unawares.