Aliens Are Coming

I’ve discussed a few realistic ways in which the world could end so I think now it is time to get a little silly and talk about some of the more crazy things that people believe about the end of humanity.

Let’s start with something that is close to my heart: alien invasion.

I love science fiction, particularly involving aliens (the stranger the better) and avidly watch TV programmes and movies featuring weird and wonderful creatures from another planet blowing Earth to smithereens with maximum prejudice.

My favourite book is “The War of the Worlds” by H.G.Wells, just to reiterate this.

What a total geek I am.

I don’t care.

The big question for people like me is: do such aliens actually exist?

In my opinion there are some people living on this planet that may actually be alien – they certainly resemble stereotypical extra-terrestrials. I don’t want to fuel any conspiracy theories but there are some odd people walking about. Could these people be the initial wave of invaders, sent here to prepare the way for the army of monsters to follow? Could they be sent to initiate control so that when the invaders arrive we are subjugated with minimum resistance?

It’s possible when you think about it. Shape-shifting aliens could already be here conquering us passively by making themselves celebrities and gathering vast armies of fans  having already hypnotised the most gullible amongst us so that only those immune to their charms will have to be conquered.

How else do you explain Oprah Winfrey and Lady Ga-Ga?

Such aliens would also want to know everything about us. Consider how people love to post every intimate detail about themselves on social media with no worries at all about the consequences of their actions. Imagine an alien (or aliens) possessing all of this information about us?

Step forward Mark Zuckerberg with Facebook.

Seriously, though, there are lots of famous people who believe in the existence of extra-terrestrials. The late great Professor Stephen Hawking, one of the most intelligent people ever to have lived often spoke about what would happen if human beings were to encounter aliens. He wasn’t very positive about the possibility. He said two things that interest me:

“Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonize whatever planets they could reach. Who knows what the limits would be?” 

“Meeting an advanced civilization could be like Native Americans encountering Columbus. That didn’t turn out so well.”

That’s kind of scary, isn’t it?

If you think about it, there are countless trillions upon countless trillions of planets out there in our universe. How arrogant are non-believers in thinking that we are the only intelligent life form in the entire universe?

Yet at the same time there is the Fermi Paradox. Enrico Fermi, a famous physicist, stated that given the age and size of the universe and the trillions of planets out there, then it stands to reason that some form of intelligent life must have managed by now to use technology to create spaceships that can traverse vast distances and visit, and possibly conquer, most if not all of the known universe.

So where is everybody? Where are these aliens? Hence the paradox.

Of course, Fermi’s question might be answered by alien believers who, joking aside, are convinced that aliens really have landed on Earth and are walking amongst us. If you look on YouTube you will find thousands of videos ranging from aliens caught on camera to UFO’s whizzing about in our skies. Also, there are others who think that we have already been invaded and that the so-called ruling elite are in fact alien shape-shifters controlling us all.

I knew it! Donald Trump is an alien! That explains a lot.

Realistically though, if there are belligerent aliens out there, then surely it would have been easier to invade centuries ago before we developed the technology to fight back. An alien invasion fleet would have encountered little resistance from Neanderthals, ancient Greeks, Romans, medieval peasants and even early twentieth century people.

The “War of the Worlds” story illustrates just that – the army of Martians in H.G.Wells’ book wiped out a large percentage of nineteenth century England with little or no effort.

There is additional speculation that humanity is in fact an alien race and that we ourselves were planted here to populate the planet after the dinosaurs were wiped out. When you think about it, it is possible that we were deposited here as a primitive colony all those centuries ago.

I like the idea that perhaps you and I, are aliens who successfully conquered Earth.

It explains a lot.

Really Stupid People

It’s been a while since I did a little research on the internet so I thought I would fill that gap. It wasn’t long before I once again  drifted off at a tangent, having stumbled on a few items that highlighted just how stupid some people can be.

As I trawled through page after page of examples of idiocy, my mind boggled at how these people actually manage to get out of bed and leave the house on the morning.

Here are some examples from the usual sources; Facebook, Twitter, Yahoo and a few other places. Who is the dumbest out of the following group of muppets?

The person who asked if he could pay for things bought on the internet by putting their credit card in the DVD drive.

The person who started an ill-fated campaign to get “Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” banned because he thought it was disrespectful to the memory of 911.

The person who thought that “Titanic” was just a movie and not based on a real event.

The President who thought that Africa was a country.

The person who thought that “#” was invented just for Twitter.

The person who thought that Mount Rushmore was a natural rock formation.

Carved by Mother Nature herself!!

The Presidential running mate who thought that Africa was a country.

The person who thinks that it takes 18 months for twins to be born.

The person who thinks Kanye West is brilliant for introducing us all to a new artist: Sir Paul McCartney.

The person who thinks there are only seven countries in the world: Asia, Africa, Antarctica, Australia, North America, South America and Europe.

The person who thinks that it is stupid to have a button in the lift for the floor he is on.

The person who thinks that it is dangerous to look at a picture of the sun.

DO NOT LOOK AT THIS PICTURE! IT IS DANGEROUS FOR YOUR EYES!

The person who thinks they have no toilet paper in Canada.

The person who thinks it never rains in Australia since “the rain falls into space because it is at the bottom of the world”.

The person who asked “What is Obama’s last name?”

The British person who thinks “Barraco Barner” is the British President.

"My name is Obama Barraco Barner! And I am taking over your country!"

The person who thinks that England and Ireland are the same country and therefore can’t play each other at sport.

The person who asked “Who was the first person to walk on the sun”?

The person who thinks that Christian Bale must be Christian because his name is Christian.

The person who thought that planet Earth was 2014 years old in the year 2014.

The person who thinks that the huge tower in Paris is called the “Ifold” Tower.

The Republican Party candidate who thinks we need Global Warming to combat the freezing snow in New York.

The person who doesn’t know where the North Pole is.

The person who thinks that it hurts to be cremated.

The people in a town in North Carolina who rejected a solar panel farm project because they thought that the panels would “suck up all the energy from the sun”.

So who do you think is the most stupid, dear reader?

Smart Conversation

The art of conversation is slowly dying.

The only people who are currently keeping it active are those above a certain age, like me, who like to have a good old fashioned conversation (or a “chinwag”) with one or more people in pleasant surroundings such as a restaurant, pub of coffee shop.

However, there are a certain group of people (to whom I shall refer as the youth of today) who prefer other means of communication.

I am referring to the smartphone.

Actually, it’s not just the youth of today – some people my age are equally guilty of this crime against humanity.

Picture the scene:

Mrs PM and I walk into a pub and approach the bar. After ordering our drinks we find a seat and chat to each other about our day at work, next year’s holiday plans, what a great guy I am and how lucky she is to have me – you know the kind of thing.

On the table next to us are three people all with drinks who obviously know each other. None of them are talking to each other. Instead, each one of them has a smartphone in their hand and each one of them is doing something like:

(1) Surfing the internet looking at crazy You Tube videos

(2) Posting their status in Facebook (“I’m having a great time with Kate and Paul in The Blue Hippo and am just about to quaff a pint of Old Skunkwarbler”)

(3) Posting their status on Twitter (“Drnkng Old Skunkwarbler with m8s in pub – LOL - #Drunkasskunk)

(4) Texting other friends who aren’t there (“CU L8er @BlueHippo – wot’s ur eta?”)

We sat there watching them and nobody spoke until one of them ran out of beer and asked whose round it was.

A more extreme case occurred in my own house. I was with Mrs PM, my son and his girlfriend. Mrs PM and I were watching TV and the kids were busy typing on their phones. Suddenly, my lad’s phone chirped – he had received a text message. That text message was from his girlfriend who was sitting a yard away and had texted him asking for a drink.

We like his girlfriend a lot and I have told her that she can help herself to anything in my house (apart from my beer of course!) – and usually she does.

Even my lad was surprised.

He turned to her and said “Get your own drink!”

“What?” I said incredulously. “Have you just texted him to ask for a drink?”

“Yes,” she confessed.

As you can imagine, my soapbox came out and I started ranting about how smartphones are turning people into robotic ignoramuses and that the logical evolutionary conclusion will be that people eventually forget how to speak, only able to communicate with grunts and superfast typing on their devices with their oversized thumbs.

“Ignore him,” said my lad as he got up to fulfil his girlfriend’s request. “He’s old!”

“Don’t tell me you’re actually going to get her a drink?” I said.

“Shut up!” shouted Mrs PM, bringing my rant to an abrupt end. My lad and his girlfriend just laughed (as they usually do).

I have now banned the use of phones when I am out with Mrs PM and my immediate family and their girlfriends unless they receive an important text or a phone call.

Actually, that’s another thing. People these days communicate by text instead of ringing each other up. If you want to have a serious chat with somebody or arrange something you cannot do it with a text that is written in the stupid abbreviated slangy language, known as text speak.

You can achieve so much in a five minute conversation. If you text to each other it takes hours to do this, and in my case most of that time is taken trying to decipher the idiotic language that’s used.

Does the following really make sense?

OMG RUOK? UR BF is a dick IYKWIM! TIME! TTYL! HAK! Kate

What this means is

“Oh my God! Are you OK? Your boyfriend is a dick, if you know what I mean. There are tears in my eyes. Talk to you later. Hugs and kisses. Kate.”

Actually, she won’t “talk to you later” because she will send you a tweet, post you a message on Facebook or text you.

Don’t get me wrong; I am a technophile who LOVES my smartphone. The difference between me and the youth of today is that I use my phone for learning Spanish, navigating, receiving emails, reading, taking photos, checking the weather, measuring my walking distance and speed, organising my calendar, watching TV via Google Chromecast, converting currencies, translating from English to other languages and vice versa, checking the time, storing useful information, brain training, simulating a torch, reading the news, posting photos on Instagram, checking the names of actors in films, learning other subjects, identifying songs, checking the latest gigs, recording voice notes and looking at You Tube videos.

I hasten to add that I only do this when I am on my own and not when I am in the company of one or more people.

I use my phone in a pub, for example, when Mrs PM has gone to the toilet and I am on my own waiting for her to return. If I am with several people, my phone stays in my pocket.

And that’s the way it should be.

I don’t want the art of conversation to die. While social media has revolutionised communication, it should not be used to communicate with people who are in the same room as you.

People need to talk to each other.

It’s ridiculous.

Anyway, rant over.

I’ve got to go. Mrs PM has just texted me to tell me to start cooking dinner because her favourite television programme is on.

Bloody smartphones!!!

What I Did Next Will SHOCK You!!!!

I am being bombarded with information and it’s totally my own fault.

I wouldn’t mind if this information was useful; most of it isn’t. Most of it is utter rubbish.

The main source of this nonsense is my computer but there is an awful lots being beamed at me via my television screen. It’s almost like a drug that I can’t quite shake off. And believe me, there are people who are far more addicted than I am.

It’s starting to annoy me and, what’s more, my own stupid temptation to indulge in this crap annoys me even more.

You may be wondering what I am talking about. Let me explain.

One of the biggest culprits is Facebook, something I try to avoid, but often just open up to see what’s going on. I don’t know why I do this because the truth is I am not interested at all. Nevertheless, there  is a little demon inside me, urging me to have a quick look, in case I am missing out on something.

This concept is known as Fear of Missing Out and it afflicts most people under the age of 40 who have Facebook accounts. Anybody older than that, like me, should probably not ever have an account and should know better. Most of my close friends who are my age think I’m a fool for using Facebook. However, Mrs PM uses this cursed social networking site regularly and often remarks that so-and-so has done such-and-such and that I should take a look.

And then I’m trapped.

I read some banal nonsense about what people are doing and then I see it: the phenomenon known as clickbait, which are basically articles that are like tabloid headlines, sensationalised in such a way that it is difficult to resist clicking the link and reading the story.

The articles usually have been liked by friends or by other things I’ve stupidly liked. The headlines are similar to:

This man saw a woman being attacked. What he did next will ASTOUND you.

So you click the link and end up watching a shaky video with a man taking off his shoes and hurling them at a kid attacking a young woman. A lucky shot caught the kid in his nether regions and he eventually hobbled away.

Another example is:

Ten simple tricks that can save you thousands of dollars.

or

Eight things you didn’t know about heavy metal music

Twenty facts about cats that will SHOCK you.

A lot of these links are full of advertising and if you are dumb enough to click on them using a smartphone, you end up having to watch a thirty second advert for a product that you have no interest in whatsoever, only to eventually see the main article and curse yourself for wasting the minute it took you to read it.

The truth is that there is no fear of missing out. My only fear is being drawn into hours of reading stupid articles peppered with irritating adverts.

I am absolutely sick of it, but, like an incompetent moth drawn to a flame, I find myself clicking the link subconsciously and wasting yet more time, reading yet more drivel or watching yet another totally pointless video.

I'm a buffoon.

It’s not just Facebook. When I decide to research something for this blog – or anything else I am writing – I find myself drawn to links and, like Alice wandering down an endless rabbit hole, I descend into the bowels of banality, reading pointless information that will have no bearing on my life, will not contribute to my research in any way whatsoever and ultimately will end up in a box in my brain labelled:

Lost Battles in the War Against Procrastination

Another source of this crap are emails. People who actually enjoy dumbing down with clickbait send links to them in emails entitled:

 You simply MUST read this.

And being an idiot, I click the link, read it and curse myself once more.

It’s not all bad though. I use the internet constructively sometimes to research information, discover new music and add positivity to my life. I have learned so much by researching facts for my blog and to use in arguments with arses on the message boards I sometimes visit.

I just need to resist the clickbait.

Finally, I blamed my television earlier and I stand by that statement. I am trying my best not to turn into a couch potato but with so many channels available on my telly box, I find myself channel surfing and watching all sorts of rubbish.

I could be outside doing something interesting but instead I’ve spent fifteen minutes watching a show about an old couple who want to buy a house in the south of France, or a documentary about the development of Morris Dancing in Victorian England:



Thankfully, the sensible part of me screams:

"What on EARTH are you DOING?”

and then Bruce Springsteen pops into my head with this song:



It never used to be like this; useless articles that chip away at your very soul, pointless adverts that erase brain cells with their banality or meaningless television programmes that actually lower your IQ as you watch them.

Hopefully, you haven’t stumbled on this blog post as a result of clickbait – and I hope that there wasn’t an advert with the Bruce Springsteen video above.  If there was then I apologise for the wasted thirty seconds of your life.

There is just too much information out there, dear reader, and our challenge is to filter out the shit and find the nuggets, just like those old gold prospectors in Wild West. There are gems out there if you know where to look and can resist the temptation to read nonsense.

Anyway, time to wrap up now. I’m off now to do something amazing that will shock you all.

Click here to find out what it is.

Facebook (AGAIN)!

I am being hassled by Facebook.

I've never quite known what to make of Facebook, even though I have tried to understand it. Somebody told me once, that you are effectively off the radar if you are young and not on Facebook.

I’m not young – that makes it okay. I could survive without it. After all, I use it mostly for playing Jungle Jewels and Tetris. I leave the odd message and send the odd email but my life doesn’t revolve around it.

I have managed to acquire a modest number of friends but, if I were more proactive,I could increase that number. Up until now, I haven’t wanted to be proactive.

However, I do find it bizarre that people I don’t know and have never communicated with me in any way whatsoever have the desire to be my friend. My sister has a few hundred friends but doesn’t know all of them – they have befriended her through the games on the website, you know, games where you run a farm or a café.

Why would you run a farm on Facebook?

I have had a few friend requests from people I have never heard of; for example a guy with the same name as me, who presumably is trying to build a community; another from a female biker who I have never met.

A work colleague had a friend request from a girl he had never met but had a mutual friend. He asked his mate who she was.

“I don’t know. I only accepted her because she was fit.”

Youth, eh?

I do not look for friends on Facebook. If I have a friend request and I know them I will become their friend. I am not proactive and do not seek to be friends with people I see on a regular basis.

There’s no point.

Real friends who are my age refuse to join. They say they are too old. I can’t say I blame them.

My kids, on the other hand, refuse to be my friend because they think I will use it to humiliate them to their mates – I can’t say I blame them – I would humiliate them. And they think I'm too old for them.

I guess that I have been ambivalent towards Facebook really and I can begin to sense you getting frustrated now, dear reader, because you want to know why Facebook is hassling me.

It is not me who is being pestered - it is the Plastic Mancunian, my alter ego.

A while ago, I decided to create a Facebook fan page for the blog but I abandoned that idea fairly quickly. A few weeks ago I decided to create a user called Plastic Mancunian – Facebook didn’t like the name. I tried The Plastic Mancunian; Facebook didn’t like that either.

After experimenting, I came up with ThePlastic Mancunian and it worked.

Having created the user I then asked myself “Why on earth have I created this user?”

I had some weird idea about promoting my blog – the fan page was a bit of a disaster so why would a user work? What on earth was I thinking?

I abandoned the idea and let ThePlastic Mancunian gather dust in cyberspace.

Facebook didn’t like that.

It started sending me emails:

Hi ThePlastic,

You haven't been back to Facebook recently. Here are some people you may know on Facebook. Connect with friends, family, classmates, and co-workers to see their updates, pictures, and more.

I ignored them.

And then my real Facebook user has been notified.

Hey Dave, You may know ThePlastic Mancunian. Help him find friends

How on earth did that happen?

Finally, three of my other friends have spotted the existence of ThePlastic Mancunian and want to be friends too.

What can I do? I can’t refuse them; they are my friends.

I have come to a decision – which is amazing for an indecisive jerk like me.

I will brush off the dust and allow ThePlastic Mancunian to thrive on Facebook and via this blog and see where it gets me. Who knows he might even acquire more friends than me in which case I won’t hold it against him.

So if you want to become a friend to ThePlastic Mancunian dear reader, feel free.  I am sure he will accept.If not then fear not. I won't beat myself up about it - nor ThePlastic Mancunian for that matter.

I might even become his friend myself.


Or maybe I will give up on it – again!

See? Indecisive to the last.

Tweet Tweet

I am about to go to the toilet. It may not be pleasant. More details later.

I can imagine that the previous three sentences filled you with revulsion and disgust. I have got a point – honestly (and it does not involve graphic details of my toilet habits). My point can be summed up in one word:

Twitter

I have been reading a few blogs recently and have noticed that more and more bloggers are asking me to follow them on Twitter. I’ve had a quick look at the Twitter web site and it basically says:

Answer this simple question – What are you doing?

The opening line to this post tried to illustrate how I thought this whole Twitter thing worked. I’ve seen something similar on Facebook where you can leave a status of sorts stuff like:

Fred is skinning a dead fish

Bill is up to his eyeballs in dog poo

Linda has just dumped Greg but don’t tell him.

So what’s the difference between your Facebook status and Twittering? To be honest, I don’t know. I never bother filling in my Facebook status simply because I don’t want my friends to become comatose reading about my mundane and tedious life. Can you imagine it?

Dave is having a one way conversation with the cats about who scratched the door.

Dave is beginning to regret having chicken madras last night.

Dave has hay fever and it is totally unpleasant.

Dave is at work, cursing, spitting and drinking copious amounts of tea.

Actually to be fair, my life isn’t that humdrum; I do occasionally wander out into the wide world and slap it in the face (or usually get slapped instead), so there may be a remote chance that somebody might be vaguely interesting in some bits of my existence. I doubt it though.

So now I have a dilemma. Should I get onto this Twitter thing and spend my whole day updating it? I can see one use for it – that’s to promote this blog – but is that enough to make it worth my while?

I must admit I’m intrigued to find out what famous people are doing. For example, I know that Stephen Fry is a huge fan of Twitter and does it all the time. I wonder whether it is worth enrolling. I enjoy writing drivel here, so I wouldn’t want to make it a substitute for this blog. But I guess it could have its advantages.

So, can I ask anybody out there whether it is worth me doing it? Do you “tweet” and if so, why? And does it help to fulfil your life?

I’m genuinely interested, particularly after the recent events in Iran, where Twitter seems to have come into its own.

By the way – my first tweet, if I go for it, will be a report on my first paragraph. That should scare people away.

Facebook: Friend or Foe?

I heard an interesting conversation between a group of strange students on a bus last night. I was returning from a Metallica concert in the city centre when six students stumbled on board, slightly the worst for wear. There was one very opinionated and very loud young woman, four rather strange geeks and another weird woman.

I honestly had to stifle chuckles as these young people discussed everything from favourite pizza toppings to the arrogance of a bloke they had just met; well to be fair it was the opinionated woman who was discussing the bloke, the others were more interested in whether pepperoni was suitable for vegetarians. In fact, as the conversation continued, it turned out that the opinionated woman considered ALL men to be arrogant, apart from the four geeks who thought that pepperoni grew in a field; she presumably just considered them to be idiots.

I wondered whether I was that thick as a student.

Anyway, at the end, the quieter woman left the bus and said:

“Phone me tomorrow!”

One of the pizza loving geeks said “I haven’t got your phone number”.

Then the woman replied

“It’s OK! Talk to me on Facebook”.

“WHAT???” I screamed. “Why the bloody hell don’t you just arrange to meet over a coffee????? Have you never heard of social interaction????”

Actually, that’s a lie. I wanted to scream this question to them but, being a coward, I didn’t. Besides, I didn’t want to be subjected to a tirade of abuse from the opinionated woman for being arrogant.

I’ve asked myself: is the world going crazy? Since Facebook came online and became available to the masses, young people have changed. Nobody seems to talk to each other any more. Youngsters spend their entire days engrossed in Facebook. One young lad I know told me that if you are young and you don’t have a Facebook account then you are a nobody. “It is as essential as having a mobile phone” he said.

I do actually have a Facebook account myself. Before you stop reading and say “You bloody hypocrite!” let me elaborate and defend myself.

I have a Facebook account because Mrs PM enrolled and sent me an email requesting me to join as well. I had never heard of it so like a gullible mug I signed up and Mrs PM became my first friend. I forgot about it for a while and gradually young people at work started talking about it.

“I’ve got 32 friends” I heard one say.

“Well I’ve got 61 friends” challenged another.

“I’ve only got one friend” I said miserably.

Later that day, I arrived home and checked my email account and discovered two Facebook friend requests from the two guys at work who (presumably) had felt sorry for me. I was delighted so I accepted them. I took a step down that slippery slope towards obsession with Facebook. For a short while I started seeking out people, starting with those at work, and requesting their friendship. And as I acquired a couple more friends, people started requesting me to take movie quizzes, asking me to take pizza compatibility tests, challenging me to become a pirate or zombie. Others started throwing sheep at me and buying me cyber presents. I have been poked and super-poked. People have flirted with me; I’ve been asked to take personality tests and quizzed about how dreadful I am in bed.

I asked myself what was going on. I stopped actively using it.

Since then, friends have drifted in and now I have a pathetic 42 friends, all but one or two are youngsters. Furthermore, most if not all of my Facebook friends have many more; one guy has 563. I know this lad is popular but I wonder whether he can actually name all of them.

I have a bunch of close friends who are my age and not one of them has a Facebook account.

“Why bother?” asked one guy. “If you see your mates every day, is there any point talking to them on this stupid Facebook thing?”

I think he has a point.

However, I do see a benefit. My sister, who lives around seventy miles away, requested me as a friend so that I could see what is going on in her life and vice versa. She is a more active member than I am so she posts photos all the time. It does give me an interesting insight into her life. Friends who live far away can communicate quite easily and therefore it does in a way have a useful purpose.

Before I sign off, one thought does occur to me. As I have read blogs, I’ve noticed that bloggers out there also have Facebook accounts and also, use sites such as BlogCatalog to provide a form of social community for bloggers. On BlogCatalog (the only blogging network site I actively use) I have over 150 “friends”, none of whom I know but a lot of whom are kindred spirits. The reason I use this particular site is because it has allowed me to discover other bloggers from around the world and through this medium I have encountered several excellent posts on all manner of subjects. To me this is more rewarding than something like Facebook. It also enables me to promote my inane ramblings to the world at large as well as being informed whenever favourite bloggers post their latest stuff.

Bizarrely, I also have a MySpace account (as “Plastic Mancunian”) where my “friends” are my favourite rock bands, allowing me to see what they are up to and get information on new projects. This blog is also promoted there as well.

I will not completely ditch Facebook. I have been tempted but, as long as there are people out there who I don’t see regularly or who live far away, I will maintain my vague interest. Nevertheless I will remain reactive rather than proactive - unless of course I open another account as my online persona. I’ve tried to remain anonymous on the web (though there are people I know who read this blog regularly) but perhaps I could use Facebook for more nefarious and mischievous purposes. Instead of throwing a sheep at a guy who sits opposite me in the office, I could throw a whale at a blogger in Malaysia.

I think Facebook has opened a brand new door for me …