It's What Everybody is Talking About

I get really annoyed with new phrases and catchphrases that seem to have crept into my life in recent years, usually via my television but sometimes via social media, emails and even newspapers. I promised that I wouldn’t rant but I feel I need to get this off my chest because such phrases are now commonplace and that irritates me. 

I’ll give you some examples: 

“It’s what everybody’s talking about.”

No, it is not. It categorically is not. The only person talking about it is the person who is promoting a new TV show. The worst thing about this new TV show is that it is almost certainly a reality TV show full of people who nobody has heard of, making absolute fools of themselves in the hope that they will climb onto the celebrity ladder at rung Z, i.e. right at the bottom. The chances are that these people will be forgotten in a few years’ time. The fact that this TV channel is one of those in the depths of TV hell is beside the point. Usually, the only way you can discover the channel (never mind the programme itself) is when you are desperately looking for something in the nether regions of the channel list because the main channels are full of cookery programmes or those kind of light entertainment programmes that are full of shiny happy people and make me wince whenever I hear the theme music. Of course, it can also apply to upcoming movies and albums too and nobody is talking about those either. 

“The most anticipated album of the year”

Again, in many cases, I have never even heard of the artist concerned. I wouldn’t mind so much if it was perhaps an album by an established musical artist that had taken a sabbatical for a few years and then decided to jump back into the fray. It usually isn’t. It is invariably a singer/songwriter who writes soppy love songs “straight from the heart” and in many cases the album is their debut. Another related phrase is “Soppy McSopface really bares his soul on this album.”

Usually, such commercials are accompanied by a snippet of a single that they haven’t released yet where they are wailing about a lost love while looking as if they are about to burst into tears. It is never a rock artist, a progressive rock artist or anything that isn’t on Radio 1’s playlist. 

It isn’t the most anticipated album of the year. These are the words of the record company who are trying to con us all into buying it. 

“It’s sweeping the nation”

Again, this usually applies to a movie, a film or a book that apparently is so popular that everybody in the nation feels that they have to have it. In most cases, the item concerned can barely sweep my garden path.

“Manchester United are in the ascendency”

This is a football special and it means, I assume, that in the game between Manchester United and some other team, Manchester United are having a period where they are dominating the match. I have a lot of problems with the terminology used by commentators when they are describing the action in such a match because they use phrases that nobody uses outside their commentary box. Other similar overused phrases are “That’s a goal of the season contender”, “We’re at the business end of the season”, “This is why we love the Premier League” and “2-0 is a dangerous lead in the game. The next goal is so important”.

“Your call is important to us”

No, it isn’t. The worst thing about this terrible phrase is that you have just tried calling a bank or some other business and you know for a fact that you will hear this phrase for the next hour repeated between bouts of terrible music. When somebody eventually answers, I am usually so frustrated and angry that all I want to do is scream at the person “WHAT TOOK YOU SO BLOODY LONG?”. Of course, I don’t. I take a deep breath and say “Hi! I’ve got an enquiry for you …” Sometimes they throw in a similar phrase that gets close to pushing me over the edge and that phrase is “This call is being recorded for training purposes”. Honestly, I think that I would rather listen to the phone ringing continually for an hour. 

“My bad”

The worst thing about “My bad” is that I have found myself using it in the past and each time I cringed internally and apologised for it. I picked it up when I was working and I think I have managed to remove it from my vocabulary now.  What it means is “My mistake” or “I’m sorry”. Why can’t people (including me) say that?

 “I’m going to give you 130%”

No, you aren’t because that is absolutely impossible. You can’t even give 100% of yourself really. This is business speak that makes me yell at the TV whenever I hear it on the programmes like “The Apprentice”. Another one from that show is “Let’s SMASH this!”. Invariably the people concerned fail dismally to “SMASH it” and make themselves look lie the incompetent buffoons they are. 

“Rant over!”

Yes – I am struggling to remove this one from my own vocabulary. When I was working I used to moan about things that annoyed me from office politics to TV shows to politics and at the end I would say this. I sometimes still do and I squirm whenever those words leave my mouth. 

Anyway, enough of that. I’m bored with venting my spleen and I think I’ve made my point. 

Rant over. If I have offended anybody then my bad!

Madvertising

Can I just say something? No? 

Tough – I’m going to say it anyway. Here it is:

I am bloody sick of adverts.

There – I’ve said it. 

Back in the day when I was just a kid, I didn’t mind adverts too much. Some of them were funny, some of them were interesting and I regarded them as having a purpose other than just trying to sell stuff. As I grew older, I started to hate them but I know that they served a purpose for me, though this wasn’t the purpose that the marketers intended. 

Basically, when the adverts came on, I could take a break, go to the loo, make a cup of tea, etc. without missing my favourite TV programmes. With the advent of video recorders I could record TV programmes and watch them later at my own leisure and just skip the adverts. 

That made me happy. 

These days I can download TV programmes and movies to watch and I can stream them on a variety of streaming platforms. Initially I paid good money for this and as a result I got unblemished TV content that was commercial free.

That made me extremely happy.  

Recently, though, things have become really annoying. Streaming services have upped their game and started offering cheaper tariffs – but with a catch. That catch is that you are once again bombarded with commercials. In order to remove commercials I have to fork out a lot of money and this is on top of paying for my satellite/cable service and paying the mandatory TV Licence we have in the UK. 

What is the TV Licence? In the UK the British Broadcasting Company (BBC) is free of commercials because we the public have to pay an annual fee to watch it. Perhaps it was the first TV service of its kind. Even though I don’t watch the BBC as much as I used to, I still have to pay it. If you don’t pay for your TV licence, the powers that be, the TV police, can came along and either fine you £1000 (at the time of writing) or be further prosecuted. We have no choice. The money goes to the BBC who spend it on content. 

Now, if I watch something on Disney+ or Netflix with the cheaper subscription rate, I have to suffer mandatory commercials. You can’t skip them at all. Effectively I am paying to watch adverts and in order to remove them I am expected to pay a fortune. Given the number of streaming platforms, that can add up to a lot of money. 

However, these days adverts aren’t restricted to television. They are everywhere.

ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE! 

And I can’t get rid of them without paying a premium. Here are some examples:

They appear in the cinema before the movie you have paid to watch. You can avoid many of these by turning up later and hopefully missing all the adverts. 

They appear on the radio. I rarely listen to radio these days but when I do I choose BBC Radio 4, which is a news channel effectively but has no adverts. The reason I don’t listen to other stations is that most radio stations have a melange of three things that make my blood boil. First, the DJ’s are usually the kind of shiny happy people that seem to think all the listeners want to listen to their inane bullshit as they talk over records. Second, the music is not my kind of music and if by a miracle it is, the songs are spoiled and interrupted by jingles and bullshit from the DJ’s. Finally, the adverts on radio are the worst and are awful.

I watch You Tube a lot for free but this means that I have to endure adverts every couple of minutes. I like progressive rock music, which typically has longer songs and if I choose to watch, say, a Dream Theater video on You Tube that lasts 10 minutes, it is interrupted at least once with adverts. One time, I tried to use a You Tube mindfulness video to relax into to go to sleep and I was just nodding off when a bloody advert tried to persuade me to buy a new smart watch thus rendering useless the previous calming five minutes of relaxing music and guaranteeing that I was now wide awake and ranting like a banshee, which resulted in waking up Mrs PM and the cats and all the chaos that ensues when I am foolhardy enough to do that.

I am using Duolingo to help me to learn French, Spanish and German. The problem is that I spend more time watching terrible adverts for Temu and other useless apps than I do learning a new language.   

I am on Spotify and have paid for the full subscription to avoid commercials while listening to music. I am afraid that having my music interrupted by commercials is something I cannot endure. 

Other apps that I use also swamp me with terrible adverts. 

This infuriates me. 

I think we are all left with a choice. We either spend a fortune to avoid adverts or we suck it up and endure them. 

At this moment in my life, when I am a happy retired gentleman I have to learn to find the power within myself to endure these dreadful commercials because there is absolutely no way I am going to give any more of my hard-earned cash to corporations who seem to love creating the worst adverts to defecate onto my TV screen or smartphone. 

I have started making a cup of tea when the adverts come on streamed TV programmes. I have started looking at Spanish, French and German books in the minutes that are wasted by Duolingo’s adverts. 

I have found soothing commercial-free music on Spotify to help me on the way to sleep should I need to. 

I will get there but in the meantime there may be some rants along the way. 

Actually, as a final word, I can cope with spoof adverts. If there were more of these it would be much better. I’ll leave you with a couple:

Tune In Turn On

Welcome to a cloudy South Manchester on a Saturday lunchtime. I’ve just returned from a cruise to Greece where we visited four Greek islands, Athens and a couple of ancient Roman cities in Turkey. It was a good trip and renewed my faith in cruises. 

Sadly it now marks the end of summer and Autumn has now definitely kicked in, as is usual around this time of year. It was my birthday on Tuesday last week and I am looking forward to seeing Christmas adverts appearing on TV and every other social media outlet. 

There is other evidence of Autumn too – like this wonderful tree I passed the other day on my morning walk. 

Anyway, let’s mark the beginning of my Autumn with some sill questions from Sunday Stealing. 

1. Name a TV show you've seen every episode of.

I watch every episode of every TV series that I like. I will name one that I have recently watched called Stargate Atlantis because it is fresh in my mind. I loved the show and I think it was better than Stargate SG-1, the original series from which it was a spin off. I was surprised to see that one of its stars is a young Jason Momoa and I have to say that my favourite character was the curmudgeonly, flawed, scientific genius Rodney McKay. 

2. On which device do you do most of your viewing (television, tablet, computer, phone)?

I only really watch shows on my TV. There are exceptions of course, and it usually involves football. For example, I was in Malta this year and I watched a very important play-off match involving my team, Walsall, on my tablet. Similarly I watched a whole game on my smartphone while away on a weekend to Delamere Forest because I couldn’t get it on TV. These are genuine exceptions due to necessity and unavailability of the games on local TV. 

3. Name an actor/actress who would make you less likely to watch a show.

I’ve mentioned this before. I refuse to watch anything with James Cordon in it because he totally annoys me with his clumsy arrogance. He thinks he is hilarious but I find him totally irritating and annoying and not funny at all. Here is an illustration of him being an arsehole to a man I admire greatly – Sir Patrick Stewart.

See what I mean?

4. When you were a kid, what show did you love?

I am a huge geek and I love science fiction. I was a huge fan of Dr Who (I still am) and Space 1999 as well as Star Trek the original series. I will pick Space 1999 as it isn’t around anymore. In case you have never seen it, just imagine a parallel universe where in the year 1999 there was a base on the Moon manned. On September 13th of that year, a massive and catastrophic nuclear explosion on the Moon blasted it out of orbit and into the darkest depths of space. 

I absolutely loved it. 

5. What show do you recommend everyone watch?

Definitely Dexter. I wrote a blog post when the original series ended after eight seasons and I was genuinely saddened. You can read it here:

Goodbye Dexter Morgan 

I loved it. For the uninitiated, Dexter Morgan is a blood splatter analyst who works for the Miami Police department but just happens to be a psychopathic serial killer. His father, who was also a policeman, taught him a way to channel his murderous ways into bumping off other serial killers. I loved a line he said in a trailer for the first series:

“You had better hope that the police get you before I do!”

However, now, I am delighted to say that Dexter is back. I have seen the follow up series Dexter: New Blood and even the prequel Dexter: Original Sin. And now as I type I am about half way through the latest series Dexter: Resurrection. 

Long may you live Dexter – my favourite anti-hero.

6. What show do your friends like, but you don't?

I have female friends who adore Downton Abbey and all the movies and I simply do not get it at all. It is just not a series that I could watch. I saw one of the early episodes and just found it dull and tedious. Now I’m not saying that it really is dull and boring; it’s just not my cup of tea. 

7. When you watch TV, do you also busy yourself with something else (jigsaw puzzle, folding laundry, etc.)?

I tend not to watch TV unless I really want to, which usually means excluding any interruptions. However, if there is a football match on TV featuring teams that I do not support, sometimes I will have the occasional surf of the internet while the game is going on. 

8. Do you eat a meal or snack while watching TV?

Yes – often. We are not the typical family who sit at the dinner table to eat, unless it is a special occasion, which means that we will have breakfast, lunch and dinner while watching TV. Etiquette experts will no doubt frown on this practice, suggesting that meal times are family times. But who cares what they think? 

I know I don’t. 

9. What's your preferred genre (comedy, drama, reality, etc.)?

I am a huge fan of comedy and I love anything that is exciting, intriguing and weird. For example, I will watch a lot of science fiction programmes, intriguing thrillers like Dexter, action series. I also like documentaries especially science based stuff like Brian Cox’s Solar System, and anything involving UFS’s and conspiracies. 

10. Do you prefer mini-series (shows that tell their stories in a pre-determined number of episodes) or shows that come back season after season?

I like both. I’ve watched a couple of mini-series recently and really enjoyed them. I think that if you get a series that is based on a novel then a mini-series is the only thing that really does it justice. If you watch a movie based on a novel it can be good but I think sometimes it loses the profound essence of what the author was trying to say. 

I must admit that I presser TV shows that have multiple seasons to have an overriding story arc that lasts the entire series. You can say so much more and get deeper in the characters and story. 

I like that. 

 

Shiny Happy People

Usually when I am on a flight, I hear from the captain and the flight crew during the course of the flight. These fine people speak to the passengers in a professional and informative manner and we all understand what they say and are happy, informed and reassured.

Some flight companies adopt a slightly different approach. I recently returned from a holiday in Croatia with one of them (I’m not saying which).

Rather than letting the flight crew speak, we were subjected to messages pre-recorded by what I can only describe as “shiny happy people”.

The messages alternated between a man who seemed high on euphoria and a women totally immersed in rapture. I can kind of sense why these recordings exist and what they are meant to achieve but I get the feeling, looking around at my fellow passengers, that their goals weren’t quite met.

The airline is a budget airline that is striving to get people in the mood for their holiday while at the same time trying to raise their spirits about the two and a half hour flight ahead. It worked better on the journey out but not so well on the journey back.

I heard one guy say “What do they mean welcoming us home as if it is the best thing since sliced bread? I don’t WANT to come home! I was on holiday and I want to STAY THERE!”

It didn’t bother me too much because deep down I prefer happy people to miserable buggers (even though I can be a bit of a miserable bugger myself sometimes).  However, it got me thinking – always a dangerous thing.

What if the plane had a fault and both engines failed? What would happen as the aircraft started to dive towards the sea? Do they have a pre-recorded message for that?

Happy Man:  “Hey holiday makers! We hope you are enjoying our AMAZING flight but we do have a slight problem. Nothing to worry about but the aircraft is now plummeting towards the Atlantic Ocean as a rate of knots.”

Happy Woman: “Yes – the water is REALLY WARM at this time of year and to make sure that you fully enjoy it, please BRACE now! If you don’t know how to BRACE, our WONDERFUL flight crew will help you. IF you hear your fellow passengers SCREAMING, rest assured that they are screams of EXCITEMENT at a plunge into the warm wonderful water!”

Happy Man: “And after impact we will do our very best to get any survivors out of the aircraft as quickly as possible!”

Okay – that’s a bit extreme, I admit, but there are a lot of shiny happy people around, particularly on the radio and our telly boxes.

I no longer listen to the radio, apart from the news channel when I wake up, but in the past I recall overly happy DJs laughing at – well – nothing - in such a forced way that I thought they were all having a seizure.

I know things haven’t changed because this morning I saw an advert for the breakfast show on a local bus with pictures of demented looking DJs guffawing at something that was out of shot with a line that explained that their show was a mixture of music and “banter”. 

I assume that "banter" means lots of in-jokes from the DJ team that result in bouts of hysterical laughter at their own expense that the general public don't really find funny at all, especially while stuck in traffic, driving to a mundane job on a miserable, cold, dark Manchester Monday morning in the middle of January.

Similarly light entertainment programmes on TV are full of presenters who seem to have taken some form of drug to make them laugh hysterically at dull items and equally dull celebrity guests that I have never heard of as they try to plug their latest projects.

I am sure that you are now reading this thinking “You miserable bastard! Why don’t you just lighten up?”

The truth is that I provide my own form of entertainment on a daily basis at work by ranting mercilessly about things like reality TV, music, politics and shiny happy celebrities, causing joyous merriment amongst my co-workers as they realise that I am just a cantankerous old git who doesn’t understand modern culture.

And they are right.

But at least their laughter is genuine.

I’ll leave you with the song that inspired the title of this post.

I’m the grumpy git peddling at the start of the video.

Please don’t laugh.

Mr Squeamish

The other day, I sat down on my sofa with my evening meal and started watching a television programme that both Mrs PM and I really like. I started eating and watched the next scene – and almost retched.

I saw a man lying on an operating table with his chest cut open and a doctor probing the red mess inside.

“Oh for God’s sake!” I exclaimed covering my eyes. “I’m eating  my dinner!”

I kind of hoped that the doctor on the TV would turn to me and say “Sorry Dave, we’ll move on to a more tasteful scene while you eat!”

Of course, he didn’t and I did my usual trick; I turned to Mrs PM and said “Tell me when it’s over.”

She just laughed, as she usually does and watched avidly, chomping on her food as if nothing odd was happening.

Deep down, I knew that the bloody scene on my television screen was not real and, in fact, was the product of the special effects department at the studio. Yet I couldn’t help myself. I waited until Mrs PM gave me the all clear.

There’s a deep irony here, dear reader, because a lot of the shows I like contain a lot of gore and blood and guts are frequently exposed. Yet each time I cringe inwardly and my stomach lurches because I simply cannot stand the sight of blood, real or otherwise.

I am squeamishness personified – I am Mr Squeamish.

I think if I were to injure myself I would pass out, not from shock, but from the sight of my own blood.

It’s embarrassing.

Many years ago, I had a blood test and, as the nurse, prepared my arm, she could tell that something was wrong.

“Are you okay?” she said.

“I’m a little squeamish,” I said.

“Most men are,” she said in a tone that was not meant to be mocking but somehow made me feel ashamed. I had to look away as she inserted the needle and drew out my lifeblood.

“There – it’s all over,” she said with a smile when she had finished. I felt like a child.

I’m not a big fan of needles, generally, and have similar experiences when I have to have a vaccination for trips abroad. One nurse actually told me off once because I was so tense that she was struggling to push the needle into my skin.

“Just relax,” she said, again as if I were a five year old. “The tenser you are, the longer this will take and the more it will hurt.”

It’s the same story at the dentist. My last major dental operation was to have a crown replaced and that experience was totally unpleasant, from the injection in my gum to the ripping out of the existing crown. I hate the sound of metal against metal or metal against enamel and I had to endure what seemed like an eternity as the dentist grinded his pliers against my crown in a desperate attempt to pull the thing off.

I also have a thing about eyes. My eyesight is terrible and many years ago I wanted to try contact lenses so that I could play football without being blind. The cost of a contact lens trial at the optician was £10 and I may as well have simply set fire to the note instead of handing over to the optician.

As soon as he went anywhere near to my eye, I flinched and pushed him away.

“Look,” he said in exasperation. “You have to let me do this.”

In the end, I turned as white as a ghost and felt extremely nauseous, so much so that he stopped immediately and offered me a glass of water.

“Are you going to be sick?” he asked, now looking concerned (probably more for the state of his consultancy room than for me).

“Maybe, “ I said trying desperately to hold onto the contents of my stomach.

Thankfully I survived and after five minutes I managed to pull myself together and walk out of the optician with his words ringing in my ears:

“You are too sensitive for contact lenses.”

Really he meant:

“You are too squeamish for contact lenses.”

Happily, I am not the most squeamish person I know. There is a guy at work who cringes at the very mention of the word “needle”. This weakness was exploited to maximum effect the other week. For some reason I mentioned the fact that the vaccination nurse had struggled to insert the needle in my arm because of the tense knotted muscles and he visibly looked shaken. I shall call him Mr Ultrasqueam.

“Just shut up,” he ordered.

“Why?” I asked.

“I pharrking HATE needles; they make me feel ill!” he exclaimed.

My desk buddies at work love this kind of stuff. When a member of the desk exposes a weakness, it is exploited with maximum prejudice and we all join in an attack, like sharks circling a drowning man in the sea.

Another desk buddy started laughing and told me in no uncertain terms that I was an utter wimp. He then went on to describe an operation that he had had in great detail involving needles, scalpels, a local anaesthetic and a very, very vulnerable part of the male anatomy.

He went into great detail including the mishaps. I won’t mention this in detail (in order to maintain the good taste element of my blog) but suffice it to say that Mr Ultrasqueam covered his ears with his hands and started shouting:

“For phark’s sake SHUT UP!”

There was blood in the water now and no mercy was shown. Other tales of needle mishaps and nasty operations were mentioned by other buddies and in the end the colour started draining from Mr Ultrasqueam’s face as he desperately implored us to shut up.

“I thought I was squeamish,” I said laughing, “but in my case I have to actually see the needle.”

“STOP MENTIONING PHARKING NEEDLES!” he screamed.

At this point we relented, in case he actually threw up. But it was hilarious.

A little later, when he had recovered, he said:

“If I EVER have to have even a minor operation, I will order them to give me a general anaesthetic so that I don’t have to be there when they start cutting and hacking.”

“You do know that they give you a local anaesthetic with a needle,” I said.

“STOP MENTIONING PHARRKING NEEDLES!” he shouted again.

I will remember this next time I am the victim of our wonderful banter.

In fact, I think I might start calling him "Needles"!

How about you, dear reader?

Are you as squeamish as Mr Squeamish (i.e. me)?

Are you as bad as Mr Ultrasqueam?

What I Did Next Will SHOCK You!!!!

I am being bombarded with information and it’s totally my own fault.

I wouldn’t mind if this information was useful; most of it isn’t. Most of it is utter rubbish.

The main source of this nonsense is my computer but there is an awful lots being beamed at me via my television screen. It’s almost like a drug that I can’t quite shake off. And believe me, there are people who are far more addicted than I am.

It’s starting to annoy me and, what’s more, my own stupid temptation to indulge in this crap annoys me even more.

You may be wondering what I am talking about. Let me explain.

One of the biggest culprits is Facebook, something I try to avoid, but often just open up to see what’s going on. I don’t know why I do this because the truth is I am not interested at all. Nevertheless, there  is a little demon inside me, urging me to have a quick look, in case I am missing out on something.

This concept is known as Fear of Missing Out and it afflicts most people under the age of 40 who have Facebook accounts. Anybody older than that, like me, should probably not ever have an account and should know better. Most of my close friends who are my age think I’m a fool for using Facebook. However, Mrs PM uses this cursed social networking site regularly and often remarks that so-and-so has done such-and-such and that I should take a look.

And then I’m trapped.

I read some banal nonsense about what people are doing and then I see it: the phenomenon known as clickbait, which are basically articles that are like tabloid headlines, sensationalised in such a way that it is difficult to resist clicking the link and reading the story.

The articles usually have been liked by friends or by other things I’ve stupidly liked. The headlines are similar to:

This man saw a woman being attacked. What he did next will ASTOUND you.

So you click the link and end up watching a shaky video with a man taking off his shoes and hurling them at a kid attacking a young woman. A lucky shot caught the kid in his nether regions and he eventually hobbled away.

Another example is:

Ten simple tricks that can save you thousands of dollars.

or

Eight things you didn’t know about heavy metal music

Twenty facts about cats that will SHOCK you.

A lot of these links are full of advertising and if you are dumb enough to click on them using a smartphone, you end up having to watch a thirty second advert for a product that you have no interest in whatsoever, only to eventually see the main article and curse yourself for wasting the minute it took you to read it.

The truth is that there is no fear of missing out. My only fear is being drawn into hours of reading stupid articles peppered with irritating adverts.

I am absolutely sick of it, but, like an incompetent moth drawn to a flame, I find myself clicking the link subconsciously and wasting yet more time, reading yet more drivel or watching yet another totally pointless video.

I'm a buffoon.

It’s not just Facebook. When I decide to research something for this blog – or anything else I am writing – I find myself drawn to links and, like Alice wandering down an endless rabbit hole, I descend into the bowels of banality, reading pointless information that will have no bearing on my life, will not contribute to my research in any way whatsoever and ultimately will end up in a box in my brain labelled:

Lost Battles in the War Against Procrastination

Another source of this crap are emails. People who actually enjoy dumbing down with clickbait send links to them in emails entitled:

 You simply MUST read this.

And being an idiot, I click the link, read it and curse myself once more.

It’s not all bad though. I use the internet constructively sometimes to research information, discover new music and add positivity to my life. I have learned so much by researching facts for my blog and to use in arguments with arses on the message boards I sometimes visit.

I just need to resist the clickbait.

Finally, I blamed my television earlier and I stand by that statement. I am trying my best not to turn into a couch potato but with so many channels available on my telly box, I find myself channel surfing and watching all sorts of rubbish.

I could be outside doing something interesting but instead I’ve spent fifteen minutes watching a show about an old couple who want to buy a house in the south of France, or a documentary about the development of Morris Dancing in Victorian England:



Thankfully, the sensible part of me screams:

"What on EARTH are you DOING?”

and then Bruce Springsteen pops into my head with this song:



It never used to be like this; useless articles that chip away at your very soul, pointless adverts that erase brain cells with their banality or meaningless television programmes that actually lower your IQ as you watch them.

Hopefully, you haven’t stumbled on this blog post as a result of clickbait – and I hope that there wasn’t an advert with the Bruce Springsteen video above.  If there was then I apologise for the wasted thirty seconds of your life.

There is just too much information out there, dear reader, and our challenge is to filter out the shit and find the nuggets, just like those old gold prospectors in Wild West. There are gems out there if you know where to look and can resist the temptation to read nonsense.

Anyway, time to wrap up now. I’m off now to do something amazing that will shock you all.

Click here to find out what it is.

How Dare They Cancel My Favourite Shows

I am absolutely fed up of American networks cancelling shows that I love, particularly when the season finale is either a cliffhanger or leaves hooks that lead into a continuation of the story in a new season.

How dare they!

I have just finished watching season three of The Following starring Kevin Bacon as a flawed FBI agent hunting psychopathic serial killers. I was excited because although the story of season was concluded, it left things open for an interesting season four.

“I can’t wait for that,” I said to Mrs PM who also enjoyed it.

Imagine my disgust when I discovered not ten minutes ago, that there would be no season four at all.

Rant? I think I may have redefined the word. My soapbox is struggling under the ferocious assault and the cats are watching my fury, wearing their specially made ear defenders so they can laugh at my antics.

Oh dear - he's off again!!!

 This isn’t the first time shows have been cancelled prematurely. I really hate it when a story doesn’t finish.

It’s like having a book you are reading snatched from your grasp and hurled into an incinerator and then discovering that it was the only copy. Or watching a film and discovering that it was only partly finished.

The behaviour of these faceless people infuriates me.

I can imagine a bunch of suited men in black sitting in an office and deciding whether to continue the season. Just because a few thousand less people watched it, is that truly grounds for pissing me and thousands of other people off?

It doesn’t matter whether the show is a triumph – it’s all to do with money at the end of the day – and that’s a real shame.

Don’t get me wrong; if a series finishes and ties up all of its loose ends to bring the story to a satisfactory conclusion, then I am happy. I may not be happy with the ending, but at least I have some kind of closure, something I desperately need from such a series.

One of my favourite shows ever, Babylon 5, survived for 5 seasons, despite the threat of cancellation lurking over it like an unseen nemesis. As brilliant as the show was, I feel that it seasons three and four were somewhat rushed in order to get as much of the story in as possible. The result was a triumphant season four story arc that thrilled me. It was so good that season five was commissioned and, sadly, didn’t reach the high standards of its predecessor. However, at least the writer managed to conclude the story in a satisfactory manner, leaving one happy Plastic Mancunian.

Some series have been so popular that the television company has persevered and allowed them to run to a conclusion and I’m delighted that they have. One example is Breaking Bad, which Mrs PM and I are currently ploughing our way through. Somebody bought us the DVD box set for Christmas with a recommendation that we should give it a try. We are currently close to finishing season three and are both thoroughly enjoying it, knowing that the series reaches a satisfying conclusion. I am happy that I can watch the remaining episodes in the knowledge that there will be complete closure.

I have to say, that UK TV companies generally allow a series to run its course and seldom cancel a show at the end leaving a massive cliffhanger. It has been known though. The world’s longest running science fiction series, Dr Who, was eventually terminated after 26 years in 1989 and the UK geek world was outraged. Thankfully the BBC had a change of heart, though it did take another 16 years to do it.

I just wish that the US networks, who are meant to provide entertainment, would concentrate less on being so ruthless and look at the bigger picture. There are millions of people outside of the US who love these shows.

Think about that, Fox, NBC and all of you other US networks. Next time you want to cancel a show, ask me first!

How about you, dear reader.

Have you suffered the deep frustration of having your favourite TV shows cancelled?

If so, which ones?

The TV Meme

I’m off on my travels again, tomorrow. Unfortunately this is a business trip and my destination is Kunming in China.

This is my first visit to that strange, yet wondrous land since 1999, when I wrote my travelogue (The China Chronicles).

I’m having mixed feelings about the trip to be honest. I’m a little excited about returning to China, but it is such a weird place that there is a feeling of trepidation and of course I have to work, which is a pain in the arse.

The trip is lasting two weeks and, thankfully, I should have internet access over there – so watch out for some photos on The Plastic Mancunian’s Eye and possibly a blog post from there. There might be the odd tweet as well.

In the meantime, I will leave you with a meme that I have stolen with absolutely no guilt whatsoever. It is called the TV meme.

1. Name a TV show series in which you have seen every episode at least twice:

That would have to be Star Trek and I have probably seen each episode of the original series, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine and Voyager at least twice. I am a huge fan of the show.

2. Name a show you can't miss:

At the moment I would have to say Dexter, which is my current favourite. I absolutely love the idea of serial killer working as a blood spatter expert in the police and murdering bad guys to satisfy is homicidal maniac tendencies.

3. Name an actor that would make you more inclined to watch a show:

That’s a tough one. I’ve never seen anything bad with Robert Carlyle in it so that is who I shall say. I am currently enjoying watching him in Stargate Universe

4. Name an actor who would make you less likely to watch a show:

Another tough one. I would say William Roache who plays Ken Barlow in Coronation Street. I reckon I could act better than him.

5. Name a show you can, and do, quote from:

I usually quote from Blackadder which is absolutely full of fabulous comedy quotes like:

The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil’s own Satanic herd.

We’re in the stickiest situation since Sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.


The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed, hasn't he, Perce ?


Oh, God. What on Earth was I drinking last night? My head feels like there's a Frenchman living in it.


A man may fight for many things. His country, his friends, his principles, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock and a sack of French porn.


He's mad! He's mad. He's madder than Mad Jack McMad, the winner of this year's Mr Madman competition.


6. Name a show you like that no one else enjoys:

Strangely, I would say it is Curb Your Enthusiasm. I love it but Mrs PM finds it unfunny, though I have to say, she has chuckled at the odd episode.

7. Name a TV show which you've been known to sing the theme song:

I love the theme to “True Blood” and sing this bit to Mrs PM:

“I wanna do bad things with you”.

What does she do? Rolls her eyes and tuts.



8. Name a show you would recommend everyone to watch:

There are so many that I would recommend but at this moment in time, it would have to be Dexter. It is now in its fourth series so you would have to start with the first to get the gist of what is going on.

9. Name a TV series you own:

I am a real geek. I own all eight series of Red Dwarf on DVD and the full box set, including movies, of Babylon 5.

10. Name an actor who launched his/her entertainment career in another medium, but has surprised you with his/her acting chops in television:

I’m not a big fan of Billie Piper (certainly not her singing career) but I was pleasantly surprised by her portrayal of Rose Tyler in Dr Who.


11. What is your favourite episode of your favourite series?

It is really difficult to name my favourite series so I shall pick a random one. That series is Blackadder II and the episode is “Beer” when Edmund Blackadder has to host a night of drunken debauchery while at the same time trying to convince his puritanical aunt and uncle that he is worthy of an inheritance. Absolute classic comedy. Here is a clip:




12. Name a show you keep meaning to watch, but you just haven't gotten around to yet:

I’ve heard from many people that The Inbetweeners is a very funny show, but I keep forgetting to watch it.

13. Ever quit watching a show because it was so bad?

Absolutely - numerous times.

14. Name a show that's made you cry multiple times:

Being a sad geek, I have struggled to remain composed during some episodes of Dr Who.

15. What do you eat when you watch TV?

I usually watch TV when eating at home, so dinner?

16. How often do you watch TV?

I watch less TV than I used to. I tend to use the Sky+ box to series link my favourite shows and watch them at my leisure later. On average, a couple of hours a day.

17. What's the last TV show you watched?

Merlin.

18. What's your favourite/preferred genre of TV?

I like weird science fiction stuff, preferably with a touch of horror – shows like Fringe.

19. What was the first TV show you were obsessed with?

I think that would have to be Dr Who. I used to watch the classic series as a child but the new series and stories have made the show unmissable.

20. What TV show do you wish you never watched?

I don’t watch anything I don’t like. I have been known to switch off in the middle of a show that was utter bilge. I did go through a phase of watching soap operas, so I will say Eastenders (which thankfully I stopped watching in the nineties.

21. What's the weirdest show you enjoyed?

I think True Blood is pretty weird – but I love it.

22. What TV show scared you the most?

As a child, Dr Who scared me to death. One series in particular with Jon Pertwee as the Doctor gave me nightmares.

23. What is the funniest TV show you have ever watched?

That is such a difficult question. Select any episode from any of the following shows:

Curb Your Enthusiasm, Blackadder, Monty Python, Red Dwarf, Fawlty Towers, Father Ted, One Foot In The Grave, The Office, Drop The Dead Donkey, Black Books, The Young Ones, The Simpsons

and many more.