This will be my last post before Christmas so I thought I would resurrect a stupid idea from many years ago when I started to supply alternative lyrics to famous Christmas songs, ruining them completely.
The one I have chosen to vandalise this year is the old “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree”.
Why? Because I spotted it and immediately thought of proper rock music – or more accurately heavy metal.
I apologise to anybody who loves the song, or anyone who loves Brenda Lee.
Moshin’ around the Christmas tree
With a heavy metal song
Air guitar playing noisily
Grandma tells me this is wrong
Moshin’ around the Christmas tree
Turn the volume really loud
Later we’ll have a huge mince pie
And we’ll share it with the crowd
You will get a heavy metal feeling when you hear
Guitar, bass with drums and keyboard
Drink some beer, you’ll never feel bored
Moshing around the Christmas tree
Have a happy Christmas Day
Let’s start head banging merrily
In a new and noisy way
<GUITAR SOLO>
You will get a heavy metal feeling when you hear
Guitar, bass with drums and keyboard
Drink some beer, you’ll never feel bored
Moshing around the Christmas tree
Have a happy Christmas Day
Let’s start head banging merrily
In a new and noisy way
To be honest, I’m not the first to imagine traditional Christmas songs and add a touch of heavy metal to spice things up. Here are Megadeth having some fun:
Welcome to sunny South Manchester on a mild but sunny Saturday afternoon. Lockdown still continues with Manchester in the highest tier, although our rates have fallen dramatically and we are below the average in England, which is being buoyed by a rather larger increase in the south east of the country around the London area.
I have now finished work for the year and can enjoy a leisurely two week break, within the confines of the restrictions of course. Now it is time to relax and enjoy what I can of the Christmas and New Year period without the spectre of work to haunt me.
I am writing this on Saturday it isn’t really Sunday Stealing – but who cares? Let’s have some fun with a Christmas theme.
1. What’s your favourite thing about the holidays?
Given that Christmas falls in December, four days after the shortest day of the year (which is on Monday), the weather and the darkness do not really appeal. It is usually a cold, dark, damp and unpleasant time of the year. This year aside, it is usually a good time to meet friends and family and generally have a fun time with get-togethers and parties, over-indulging on food and drink and generally having a great time. This year will be different because of the restrictions but I will do my best. Of course the best thing of all is no work. I love that.
2. Do you send out Christmas cards and if so how many do you send?
I no longer send any Christmas cards. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not because I am a miserable Scrooge-like old git; it is because Christmas cards are a waste of paper, a waste of time and a waste of money. We still get them but I never return them. I prefer to talk to people or see them rather than just wasting a bit of card.
3. Be honest: holiday newsletters. Love ‘em or hate ‘em?
I hate them. They are usually a way of telling the story of the last year and they are too impersonal for me. I would never bore anybody with such a thing.
4. Be honest: photo cards. Love ‘em or hate ‘em?
The same as newsletters.
5. How soon do you start shopping?
I hate shopping but Christmas shopping is even worse. The shops and stores are usually crammed full of people and the queues are massive. I return home after such trips feeling stressed tired and in need of a stiff drink. These days, I just shop online. So much more relaxing. For Christmas, I like to get it all done by the end of November.
6. Real or fake tree?
I like the smell of real trees but they are an absolute pain in the backside to maintain. They shed their needles all over the place – even the ones that are “guaranteed not to shed their needles”. And when you finally take them outside they deposit the rest of them all over your house.
So we have a fake tree. They are less messy and much more cost-effective.
7. When do you put up your tree?
We usually put the tree about two weeks before the big day, but this year, given the circumstances, we put it up on 1st December.
8. When do you take down your tree?
We usually take it down the day after New Year’s Day.
9. Describe your typical tree (size, decorations, type)
The tree is about 6ft 3inches and you can see it here.
This year the tree has a dual purpose. It is a Christmas decoration and a plaything for my two kittens.
10. What do you top your tree with?
A star.
11. Do you put Christmas lights outside your house?
No – maybe I am a little odd in that respect but I think it is a pointless exercise.
12. Is there a wreath hanging on your door?
Normally, yes there is, but we haven’t bothered this year – not sure why to be honest.
13. Do you hang up stockings?
Not any more. The kids have grown up an left home.
14. Your favourite Christmas Movie(s)
I like Die Hard – and yes, despite what people say, it is a Christmas movie.
I also like Scrooged, with Bill Murray.
Finally, I love It’s a Wonderful Life – I shed a tear every time I see it.
15. Be honest: A Christmas movie you hate
Love, Actually? Is supposed to be a Christmas movie – it is bloody awful. I could write an entire blog post on how dreadful it is.
16. Favourite Christmas Song(s)
Here we go (in no particular order):
and from my home town of Walsall:
17. Be honest: If I hear this/these Christmas songs again I will throw up
I am not even going to post them – just look them up if you don’t know them (which I seriously doubt).
Wham! – Last Christmas
Mariah Carey – All I Want for Christmas is You
Cliff Richard – Mistletoe and Wine
They are ALL awful!
18. Give or Receive?
Both. That is the point, surely?
19. Eggnog or Mulled Cider?
I have never fancied eggnog. It looks like vomit.
I also like cider – but it makes my stomach churn if I have too much of it. I will say Mulled Cider (I a small glass).
20. Ham or Turkey?
Can I say both? Of course I can.
And Finally …
Since this is a weird Christmas and this will be my last post before the day, I will sign off by wishing you all the best Christmas possible and a Happy New Year.
I will leave you with some alternative lyrics that I posted waaaaayyyyyyyyy back in 2009 (my second year of blogging). These are my own alternative lyrics to Jingle Bells.
Merry Christmas.
Dashing to the shops every single bloody day
Join another queue, pushing people out the way
I need to buy so many presents and a lot of trash
I need to win the lottery cos I’ve just run out of cash
Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to throw your hard earned cash away
Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to throw your hard earned cash away
Eating lots of food and drinking lots of beer
I am getting fat again, much fatter than last year
The weather’s looking nice; I think it might have snowed
And if I eat another thing I think I might explode
Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to double the amount you weigh
Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to double the amount you weigh
Listening to the Queen and watching crap TV
Playing silly games with my entire family
Everybody’s tired and one or two begin to snore
But later we will have to eat and drink again some more
Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to fall asleep on Christmas Day
Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to fall asleep on Christmas Day
So a Merry Christmas to the readers of this post
I like to raise my glass and to propose a toast
To everyone in Blogland; every woman, every man
Here’s to a fun-filled holiday from The Plastic Mancunian
Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to stuff your face on Christmas Day
Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to stuff your face on Christmas Day
Let’s go forward in time to a history lesson at school, say in the year 2066. The conversation will be:
Teacher: Johnny. Can you tell me when …
Johnny: 2016.
Teacher: But I hadn’t finished.
Johnny: I know. But it happened in 2016 – that was the year that everything happened.
Here’s something else I heard.
FACT: 2016 will be one second longer than 2015.
From Twitter: OH MY GOD! HAVEN’T WE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BLOODY YEAR?
I will not look back on 2016 with fondness at all. There are many reasons for this most of which are political. We have all witnessed a new trend in political debate on both sides of the Atlantic Ocean, where lies abound and post-truth politics is rampaging across the world like a mad beast.
And let’s not forget the legendary people who have died this year, people like David Bowie and Prince amongst others.
Also, I lost my uncle this year as well as my hellcat Liquorice who suddenly dropped dead in the summer. I miss them both.
However, as we approach the end of the year, and since its Christmas, I think it’s time to be more positive, generally. I have finished work for 2016 now and I want to enjoy the last couple of weeks with an optimistic outlook. Of course, I will be reviewing the year just after Christmas but I can let you into a secret – my resolution this year is to try to cut down on ranting and have a much more enjoyable year next year, whatever the hell Brexit throws at me or whatever trouble ensues when Donald Trump finally gets his hands on the Presidential seal.
The first thing I am going to do is consign the following people to Room 101, where everything hellish lives:
David Cameron, Michael Gove, Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson from the UK, all of whom have made me rant mercilessly this year and who I hold personally responsible for Brexit.
And from the other side of the Atlantic, I would like to also put the following people into Room 101 for equally pissing me off:
Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Ted Cruz and Kanye West.
I don’t know how the US will cope with their president elect suffering Piers Morgan in Room 101 but I am sure you will cope, my friends.
Anyway, no more negativity.
It’s Christmas and we should all rejoice in a time of good year to all men (apart from those I have just locked away forever).
In the past, I have written alternative lyrics for famous Christmas songs so this year I will do the same again. Here are my past efforts:
Is it just me or are years flying by way too fast?
It seems like only yesterday when I was recovering from Christmas 2011 and, hey presto, here it is again. As a self-confessed grumpy old git, you may imagine that I adopt the role of Ebenezer Scrooge at this time of year and start moaning about humbugs.
That’s not true. Well – sometimes it is to be fair.
I have a love-hate relationship with Christmas; there are elements that I love and embrace, and there are elements that I despise. I’m sure that regular readers will have a guess at which bits of the festive season drive me crazy, given the things I’ve ranted about before on this cyber soapbox.
I thought it would be a nice idea to share with you what I hate and what I love about this time of year.
Without further ado, here are the pros and cons of Christmas.
Cons
(1)Choosing presents – I find it really difficult to decide what to buy everybody. I find my thoughts drifting to what I want, which means that I have to resist buying a heavy metal album for Mrs PM for example. Mrs PM says that by now, after almost 15 years together, I should easily be able to select a suitable gift. And I can – after I have beaten myself up over it for several months. Come January, I will be thinking of what I can buy her for Christmas 2013 – yes it takes that long. And she is only one of the people I have to consider.
(2)Christmas shopping – I hate shopping at the best of times and it this time of year, this abhorrent pastime mutates into a monstrous experience – even if you want to buy something unrelated to the festive period. In Manchester we have a huge shopping mall called the Trafford Centre and in December it is like entering Hell itself. The enormous car parks are so full that arriving and leaving take hours to achieve, having blocked up the motorways and main roads around for hours. Inside the Trafford Centre all shops are absolutely crammed with hapless shoppers, none of whom want to be there. You have to queue for hours to actually buy what you want and queue for more hours to leave the bloody place. And supermarkets are the same. There is so much food to buy that the weekly shop becomes a nightmare. People buy so much food you would think that they have predicted World War 3 and are planning for four years in a bunker to avoid nuclear fallout.
(3)Christmas starts earlier and earlier every year. My birthday is 8th October and I use that as a marker to see whether Christmas adverts have started or not. In the past, the first commercials appeared in late October. More recently the adverts have started much earlier; it was in September this year meaning that we have to spend a quarter of the year suffering bloody Christmas commercials – three bloody months of it.
(4)The Queen’s Christmas Message. I am ambivalent when it comes to Liz. I neither hate her nor love her. To me she is just another celebrity who happens to get a lot of media attention. Why should I be even remotely interested in anything she has got to say? I haven’t. The only thing I have in common with Liz and her family is that we live in England. Apart from that I care not one jot about her thoughts, her wisdom or her opinions. Why this is prime time TV on Christmas Day is beyond me.
(5)Travelling. Since I moved to Manchester in 1984, I have had to spend the Christmas period driving around the Midlands, Yorkshire and the North West of England visiting people who demand my presence. Back in 1984 I thought to myself, one day you will all come to me. It is now 2012 and there is absolutely no chance of that happening, This year I have to drive for three hours on Christmas Day, an hour and a half on Boxing Day and three hours the day after that. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.
(6)Bad presents. I wish people would just say – “Here’s £20 – go and buy something you like.” Instead I get slippers, hankies and after shave – repeatedly.
Enough of that “Bah! Humbug!” nonsense. Here are the pros: Pros
(1)Time off work. I love being off work and at Christmas I usually manage a week or two off work. I love to wake up with the knowledge that I can stay in bed, relax, go for a walk and take it easy for the duration of the Christmas Holiday period.
(2)Christmas Parties and socialising. Christmas parties can be an amazing experience, with either friends, family or work colleagues and usually I end up attending quite a few events. Generally the pubs and restaurants are full of joy and cheer anyway but whether you go to the pub with your mates or end up at a Christmas Party, fun is freely available to make even the most boring Scrooge smile occasionally – even me:
(3)Kids – Kids love Christmas and there is nothing better than seeing the faces of children when they see Father Christmas and open their presents on the big day. Sadly my two are too old now (19 and 16) and no longer have that innocent enthusiasm.
(4)Good presents. Occasionally I have genuinely surprised when receiving gifts. As I said above, these days I love it when people give me gift vouchers or cash so that I have an excuse to hit the sales or go online and splash out on something wonderful for myself.
(5)Christmas Markets. In recent years there has been a trend in Britain where major cities welcome European style markets selling all sorts of Christmas goodies. The annual Christmas Market in Manchester is usually packed but mulled wine is abundant and you can relax in a bar supping your mulled wine or the alcoholic beverage of your choice while watching people enjoying the experience. A great way to spend a few hours in the run up to Christmas.
(6)Food. I love Christmas fare, particularly mince pies. Mrs PM and I eat them by the bucket load and any diets we are considering are shelved for a week or two. Christmas is the time of year when you basically tell your diet to “Bugger off”. I genuinely do not feel bad about gaining a few pounds. Such things can be dealt with in January. This year on Christmas Day I will end up looking like a roly poly old man as I settle down in front of the TV to watch the Dr Who Christmas special. And I won’t care at all.
Well that’s it for now.
I would like to wish everybody a Merry Christmas whether you are a regular reader or a poor unfortunate who has stumbled across this post by accident.
May Father Christmas bring you all the gifts that you want – but please – no more socks and hankies. I have so many now that I could open a shop.
I’ve started a mini tradition on this blog at Christmas time – to take a well-loved Christmas tune and ruin it by changing the words into something stupid and inane.
This year, I have decided to ruin a more modern song: Merry Christmas Everybody by Slade.
The lead singer of Slade, the fabulous Noddy Holder, was actually born in my home town of Walsall and although he doesn’t sing any more, his heartfelt cry of IT’S CHRISTMAAAASSSSSS is as ubiquitous in the UK as mince pies and turkey at this time of year.
I will take this opportunity to apologise to Noddy and the other boys in Slade for destroying their humorous lyrics with my own dreadful effort – but, as I said above, it is traditional.
And I would like to also take this opportunity to wish you, dear reader, wherever you may be, a Merry Christmas.
May Father Christmas bring you everything you desire and may your Yuletide celebrations be wonderful.
And now, I present to you my alternative lyrics:
Are you stuffing tons of turkey in your face? Is your belly finally running out of space? Have you drunk a pint of sherry washed down with a quart of ale? Are you starting to look like a humpback whale?
So here it is Merry Christmas And PM is having fun. Eating lots and drinking beer He’s only just begu – u- un.
Have you wasted lots of money on your gifts? Were you tempted to give up and just shoplift? Are you bored with Christmas carols sung by warblers at your door? Are you tired enough to sleep upon the floor?
So here it is Merry Christmas And PM is having fun. Eating lots and drinking beer He’s only just begu – u- un
What will Mrs PM do when she sees that PM's drunk and overweight? Ah ah!
Is there lots and lots of crap on the TV? Are there lots of Christmas specials left to see? Did you fall asleep while watching the Queen grumbling again? Do you wish you were on a beach in sunny Spain?
So here it is Merry Christmas And PM is having fun. Eating lots and drinking beer He’s only just begu – u- un
IT'S CHRISTMAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
And for those of you who may not have heard the original – here it is:
This is my last post before Christmas so I thought I would write alternative lyrics to a well known Christmas song. Last year it was The Twelve Days Of Christmas. This year I have selected "Jingle Bells" as the victim of my psychotic need to destroy songs.
Have a great Christmas one and all.
Dashing to the shops every single bloody day Join another queue, pushing people out the way I need to buy so many presents and a lot of trash I need to win the lottery cos I’ve just run out of cash
Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle all the way Oh what fun it is to throw your hard earned cash away Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle all the way Oh what fun it is to throw your hard earned cash away
Eating lots of food and drinking lots of beer I am getting fat, much fatter than last year The weather’s looking nice; I think it might have snowed And if I eat another thing I know I will explode
Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle all the way Oh what fun it is to double the amount you weigh Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle all the way Oh what fun it is to double the amount you weigh
Listening to the Queen and watching crap TV Playing silly games with my entire family Everybody’s tired and one or two begin to snore But later we will have to eat and drink again some more
Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle all the way Oh what fun it is to fall asleep on Christmas Day Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle all the way Oh what fun it is to fall asleep on Christmas Day
So a Merry Christmas to the readers of this post I like to raise my glass and to propose a toast To everyone in Blogland; every woman, every man Here’s to a fun-filled holiday from The Plastic Mancunian
Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle all the way Oh what fun it is to stuff your face on Christmas Day Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle all the way Oh what fun it is to stuff your face on Christmas Day
