Living In The Past

I’m a sceptic and like to judge things based on evidence and not just a belief.

There is one exception to this – and that is God – and the reason for that is fear. I was raised in a Catholic environment with a Catholic priest and teachers who basically told me that if you I dismissed God then I would burn in Hell for eternity with Satan himself using me his demonic plaything.

So let me just say this up front: God exists (I think) and I want to apologise to him (or her) for anything I have done or said against him (or her).

But I digress. For this post, I want to discuss reincarnation.

Believe me, I would absolutely LOVE it if we are incorporeal beings who occupy a human body from the moment of your inception to the moment it gives up, at which point it releases you ready to find another unblemished embryo to occupy.

While I find the idea of reincarnation fascinating, I simply cannot bring myself to take it seriously.

I can imagine that there may be a person reading this who actually believes in reincarnation to the point where they are looking forward to their next life with enthusiasm. If you are such a reader then I welcome your belief and I genuinely hope you are right.

I was reading about a form of hypnotherapy that allows people to regress to past lives, basically accessing the memory of your soul that remembers your previous incarnations. People have, apparently been kings, queens and emperors in past lives and described their lives to such detail that others are convinced of their authenticity.

I tried this.

I was so curious about the idea that I found a past life regression video on You Tube, lay on the bed and followed the instructions.

I fell asleep.

I did have an idea in my head that I was wondering around a village with weird shoes in medieval England and sitting by a blazing fire in a shit-filled hovel.

No fucking throne and palace filled with gold for me. How disappointing!

I woke up and realised that I had actually had a dream. I don’t believe for a second that I was a medieval tramp, living in a flea-ridden squat with only shit and a fire for company.

I then realised that I had been watching an episode of Blackadder II the night before and my dream had cast me in the role of Baldrick, a dumb dolt from Elizabethan times:



If I had watched Braveheart no doubt I would have been William Wallace, a skirt-wearing England-hating vagabond.

A young Plastic Mancunian?

Usually when you hear tales of people somehow tapping into their hidden soul-memory, there is always a something wonderful. They were princesses in Egyptian times or advisors to King Henry VIII. Such people rarely confess to being slaves clearing out the latrines in the middle of a dark-age forest in the pissing rain or native Americans wandering the plains of America or even simple carpenters living in a small town in 18th Century Ireland.

Nevertheless, I live in hope. I am fascinated by the future and I would love to be reborn in fifty years’ time and grow up in a world of technology.

What proof is there that reincarnation is real? Here’s what I found.

(1) 50% of the world’s population believe in reincarnation. The problem I have with this fact is that, really, this means that 50% of the world’s population don’t want to die and, like me, love the idea that we will all be reborn. Belief in something doesn’t make it fact.

(2) People have given names and dates of previous lives, having somehow tapped into their soul-memories, and that evidence has proved to be true. Is this coincidence? Or is it something to do with the fact that the people have somehow “cheated” or, like my hypnotherapy experiment, are really tapping into something they have seen or read? I think the latter. I believe that people are simply remembering something from their past about a person they have encountered in a book or in a movie. As was the case my Baldrick memory above.

(3) One American child, who was two years old, had nightmares about a plane crash, stating that he had been shot down by the Japanese during World War 2. He named the aircraft carrier from which he had taken off and lots more information about the pilot from whom he was reincarnated. When investigated, the two year old boy’s claims were proven to be correct and a person was discovered who fit the description. The boy’s father was an evangelical Christian who simply didn’t believe in reincarnation. Wow! Compelling, eh? But is it just a con or an elaborate hoax?

(4) Still with children – some have been known to speak in languages that they have never learned, supposedly because they spoke that language in a past life.

(5) Children have been born with bullet wounds, supposedly inflicted on the previous human who accommodated their soul.

To be honest, cases (2) to (4) above do make me think that there might be something in it and there are thousands of similar cases. Yet I am still sceptical. If we are all reincarnated, then surely our minds will be full to overflowing with our past lives, including what happened when we died, no matter how horrific that was.

The more I think about this, the more questions I have. For instance, our souls that have travelled through time for centuries, finding a new body every so often, must have been “born” somehow – and by the same token must “die” sometime, unless our souls are immortal.

Presumably, before humans existed we must have lived in the bodies of animals.

Do you think I could have been a Tyrannosaurus Rex in a previous life?

I really hope so. That would have been a fantastic adventure.

However, the thing that has convinced me more than anything that reincarnation is impossible is the belief of one person.

Yes – that’s right. David Icke believes in reincarnation and he is as mad as a bag of badgers. He believes that reincarnation is a slavery program and our souls are transferred from one slave to the next by “gods”. His view is that we are like the batteries in the Matrix with these nameless “gods” feeding off our souls.

Trust Mr Madman to apply his lunacy to reincarnation. Perhaps he took the Matrix too seriously. Perhaps he thinks he is Neo – or “The One”. Who knows?

Over to you, dear reader.

Do you believe in reincarnation?

If you do I would love to hear from you – either in this life or the next.

Rik Mayall

One of my comedy heroes died this week at the tender age of 56.

I still can’t quite believe it.

I grew up with Rik Mayall’s comedy, from the day I first saw him playing Kevin Turvey in A Kick Up The 80’s to his most recent comedy role in Man Down.I’ve also seen him live three times, once with his own extremely manic show in the 1980’s and twice in the stage version of his show Bottom, with Ade Edmondson.

Here are some of my favourite Rik Mayall roles:

First, Kevin Turvey the investigator:

Next, Rick, the People’s Poet, in The Young Ones.

One of my favourite characters was Alan B’Stard, the evil Conservative MP.

And who can forget Richard Richard from Bottom?

And, of course, there is Lord Flashheart:

Most recently he played Greg Davies’s manic dad in Man Down, a role he was due to reprise in the second series:

For the last World Cup, Rik Mayall released a single called Noble England as an unofficial anthem for England. There is a campaign to get this single to number one for the current World Cup. Here it is:

If the campaign succeeds it would be a fitting tribute.

Rest in peace, Rik. You have made me laugh for most of my life.

I will miss you.

Top Ten British Sitcoms

Having posted my favourite American sitcoms, I think it is only fair to list my favourite comedies from my own wonderful country. As I suggested in my last post, I prefer British comedy, maybe because the humour is much closer to home.

So without further waffling, let’s dive straight in. I apologise for any obvious omissions (Only Fools and Horses almost made it – but not quite).

10. Black Books

I am going to start with an odd little comedy show that ran for three seasons on Channel 4 featuring three very bizarre characters. Bernard Black, played by Dylan Moran is the owner of Black Books, a small bookshop, and doesn’t like customers, often being rude to them, and possessing a negative outlook on life while quaffing red wine. His oldest friend is Fran, played by Tamsin Grieg who herself is a bit weird and spends most of her time trying to get Bernard to behave in an acceptable manner. Finally, Manny is Bernard’s assistant, played by Bill Bailey and tries to make Black Books something more than it is while being treated with utter contempt by Bernard, who begrudgingly accepts that Manny is good for the shop. The show is slightly eccentric but very funny and all characters are superbly portrayed.

9. Drop the Dead Donkey

Drop the Dead Donkey was a very clever comedy show set in a newsroom, and recorded just a day or two before transmission so that the writers could include the latest news items in the show. It was full of hilarious but flawed characters each of whom had their own problems that usually spilled out into the show. The newsroom was run by a man called Gus Hedges who’s every utterance were complete phrases of business bullshit.

8. The IT Crowd

The IT Crowd is a personal comedy for me because, as you may know, dear reader, I work in IT myself. The show centres around Moss and Roy, who are two geeks working in the IT support department of a big company, and their boss Jen. The IT department is forgotten in the bowels of the multi-storey building they work in and all the guys seem to do is answer the phone and say “have you tried switching it off and back on again?” (a trade secret if you are supporting a system).

And although I am a geek myself, I am nothing like Roy and Moss.

“I have come here to kick ass and drink milk … and I’ve finished my milk!”

7. The Office

I remember watching The Office for the first time, thinking it was a real documentary – that is until I started laughing out loud. What I like most about the series is that I know a real life David Brent, a man who thinks that he is a frustrated entertainer who everybody loves, but is really a bloody idiot. The show was so successful that the format was sold to many countries, each of which put their own spin on the show (in fact the American version is also very funny and features in my top ten US sitcoms).

6. Father Ted

I’m cheating a little here because strictly speaking, Father Ted is from Ireland. Nevertheless, I will cheat anyway as I think it is hilarious. Father Ted Crilly is the parish priest of a remote Irish enclave called Craggy Island and lives with two other priests, Father Dougal who is like a stupid child, Father Jack, a cantankerous old drunkard who is totally repulsive and politically incorrect, and their housekeeper Mrs Doyle. I was brought up a Catholic myself and I would have loved it if the priests who took Mass were even remotely like the priests portrayed in the series; I might even have stayed being a practicing Catholic.

5. One Foot In The Grave

Victor Meldrew has become a fictional national treasure, with his grumpy outlook on life and his cries of “I don’t believe it!” when confronted by the absurdity of life. It’s amazing that the lives of a normal elderly couple living in a typically English suburb can suffer so much pain and bad luck but the Meldrews, particularly Victor, have to endure so much. Of course, if you have seen the show, you will know that Victor Meldrew brings most of the misfortune on himself. Mrs PM (and others) have remarked that I am slowly turning into Victor Meldrew – I bloody well hope not!

4. The Young Ones

In 1981, I was in the right place at the right time to fully appreciate The Young Ones. It is the story of four totally obnoxious students sharing a house: Rick, the obnoxious sociology student; Vyvyan, the mentally unstable and extremely violent medical student; Neil the nature loving hippy; Mike who thought he was the coolest man on the planet.

The show was full of mayhem and I know it didn’t appeal to adults at the time; it was puerile disgusting, violent and extremely silly – but hilarious. You had to be there – and I was!

3. Red Dwarf

If I were the last human being alive, I would like to think that I would share some of Dave Lister’s traits. I also live with three cats and the thought of a humanoid evolved from my hellcat would be a nightmare. I also know at least one person as obnoxious and generally unlikeable as Arnold Rimmer. Oh – and I want Kryten to live in my house and wash, and clean for me.

You may wonder what I am going on about. If you don’t then you will have never watched Red Dwarf and you will not understand the phrase “Better Dead Than Smeg”.

I actually saw Craig Charles(Dave Lister) in Manchester airport. At the time he was starring in the soap opera, Coronation Street, playing a character called Lloyd. A female friend said (rather loudly and in full earshot of Craig) “It’s Lloyd from Corrie!”. “No it’s not, “ I exclaimed. “It’s “Dave Lister!”

We then proceeded to argue about Red Dwarf vs Coronation Street.

I looked across and saw him shrug his shoulders and shake his head with an embarrassed wry smile.

If you are reading, Craig, I do apologise.

2. Fawlty Towers

There have been fewer more insufferable and rude characters than Basil Fawlty, the owner and manager of Fawlty Towers, a hotel situated in Torquay on the south coast of England. Most people expect to be treated with respect in hotels, but Fawlty seems to allow his own judgement of people determine how he treats them. If he doesn’t like you then you are in trouble. Aided by his domineering wife, a waitress who should have left years ago and a Spanish waiter who struggles to speak English, chaos always ensues.

Thankfully I have never stayed in a hotel like it – thank goodness.

1. Blackadder

Edmund Blackadder started out in the Dark Ages, as a weasel, a sycophantic loser with no brains and a purely detestable prince of the realm. His servant Baldrick was the brains of the operation, always with a cunning plan to rescue his hapless master. By the fourth series, set in World War 1, Blackadder was no longer a prince but had evolved into a devious and unpleasant character whose only thoughts were about himself. Baldrick had devolved into a repulsive little idiot.

While series one was a little hit and miss, the remaining three series, and the two specials, were and are comedy masterpieces. I remember showing an episode of Blackadder II to two American women – and they just didn’t get it (or even understand it), which is a real shame. However, it does highlight my initial point about loving comedy that is closer to home. US comedy is good – but not as good as British comedy.

#







And finally…

Over to you, dear reader.

Have you seen any of the sitcoms above?

Do you agree with me?

If not, what are your favourite British sitcoms?

Shakespeare is Rubbish

Am I alone in thinking that William Shakespeare is over-rated? Am I the only one who thinks that most, if not all, of Shakespeare's plays are rubbish?

Sure he wrote some plays at a time when there was probably a serious lack of decent playwrights but to be honest, the things he wrote are not really relevant to our current time.

In fact, when I was at school I distinctly recall reading a Shakespeare play in a book that was 15% introduction, 30% play and 55% explanation of what the hell was going on.

Here is a clip from Blackadder that illustrates my feelings on Mr Shakespeare:



You see, I always had a huge problem with his plays. His tragedies were funny and his comedies weren’t. His plays were written in a form of English that was perfectly acceptable in 1592 but make no sense to an audience of school children in 1975 (when I first encountered him) or later.

English teachers told me that these classic works were leviathans of the literary world that would stand the test of time and that reading and understanding these magnificent works were essential in order to progress in life.

At school I didn’t have the courage to face my teachers and say:

“But they are SHIT!”

Instead I was forced to endure these dreadful and irrelevant plays that bored me to tears. We were forced to sit there and analyse every bloody phrase, every sentence and every nonsensical paragraph in the most stringent manner.

A typical question was “What was Shakespeare trying to say?” and the answer should have been “I don’t bloody well know. I don’t understand it. It is written in a language that has developed into something new over four centuries. It isn’t funny. It is meaningless and it doesn’t make sense. And it is totally and utterly irrelevant. It should stay in the 16th century where it bloody well belongs.”

Shakespeare is as dull as dishwater. If I were to read a play now I would fall asleep before the end of the first act.

One of the plays we had to endure was Twelfth Night, supposedly a comedy. I don’t think anybody laughed. Here is the opening speech:

If music be the food of love, play on;

Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,

The appetite may sicken, and so die.

That strain again! it had a dying fall:

O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound,

That breathes upon a bank of violets,

Stealing and giving odour! Enough; no more:

'Tis not so sweet now as it was before.

O spirit of love! how quick and fresh art thou,

That, notwithstanding thy capacity

Receiveth as the sea, nought enters there,

Of what validity and pitch soe'er,

But falls into abatement and low price,

Even in a minute: so full of shapes is fancy

That it alone is high fantastical.


What a load of baloney. I’m sure that when it first played at the Globe theatre, the people who went to see it were mesmerised by Duke Orsino’s splendid delivery. But a twelve year old kid from Walsall? No bloody chance.

We were supposedly speaking learning to speak and write English but Shakespeare’s language is so dated that it makes little sense.

Who says “thou” and “receiveth” and “o’er” and ‘thy” and “soe’er”?

Nobody – apart maybe from a pseudo-intellectual who has his Shakespeare mixed up with his philosophers.

Having suffered Twelfth Night at school we were then expected to write essays that analysed it, essay like:

“Discuss the aspects of love in Twelfth Night”.

I wish I had of written:

“I can’t. I don’t understand it because it is irrelevant. And if this is a comedy then I am a monkey’s uncle. I didn’t laugh once. I’m sure the audience in 1592 rolled in the aisles but I think it is totally and utterly unfunny. If you had asked me to write an essay saying “Twelfth Night is not funny. Discuss.” I might have stood a chance.”

In the end, I wrote several pages of horseshit and scraped a pass.

These days it seems that every actor in the world wants to star in a Shakespeare play. Every single actor falls over themselves to walk on stage roaring to a crowd of people, saying bizarre things like “Hey Nonny Nonny”. The crowd nod in appreciation but probably haven’t a clue what it going on. It would appear that playing the lead in a play like Hamlet seems to be the pinnacle of achievement for an actor, particularly if it is in Stratford-upon-Avon.

I would dearly love to stand up and shout “For goodness sake – speak ENGLISH!”

I would love to continue to barrack pseudo-intellectuals in this post, those who appreciate this nonsense in order to be recognised as culture vultures, but there are people who are genuinely moved by Shakespeare.

I had a discussion once with a woman who told me that she cried when she read Henry V’s rousing speech to his soldiers just before the battle of Agincourt. Here is Kenneth Branagh, a fine actor, giving his all:



I must admit that it is an awe inspiring piece of acting and Kenneth Branagh delivers it with gusto. Without necessarily understanding what he is saying, I can get the gist. If we are going to witness this in a modern film, why not simply modernise it? Instead of:

And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,

From this day to the ending of the world,

But we in it shall be remembered-

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;

For he to-day that sheds his blood with me

Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,

This day shall gentle his condition;

And gentlemen in England now-a-bed

Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,

And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks

That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.


why not say something like:

And from today until the end of time on this day, the feast of St Crispin, everybody will remember how you, my brothers, my band of brave warriors, shed your blood with me. And you are my brothers, make no mistake. And those men, asleep in England, will curse themselves for not being here on this momentous occasion; may they hang their heads in shame that they did not fight with us in this glorious battle on St Crispin’s day.

Okay – so I’m not Shakespeare and certainly could not write a modern day equivalent, but I am absolutely sure that a decent writer could capture the passion of that inspiring speech and leave the audience captivated, instead of thinking, “Well, he sounded brilliant but what the heck was he talking about?”

I’d like to finish with a reference to Macbeth. Now, bizarrely, this play is known as The Scottish Play rather than Macbeth because, apparently the play is cursed. The fact that it features witches and witchcraft may contribute to this but I suspect that it is an absolute load of nonsense. It has been used to real comedic effect in one of my favourite comedy shows: Blackadder the Third:



Personally I am not superstitious at all and if I were to star in Macbeth I would gladly say “Macbeth” repeatedly all the time just to irritate any pillocks who thought that mentioning the name would bring bad luck.

I would also try to sneak in a “Hey Nonny Nonny” and at the end I would ask the audience whether they understood a single word I had said.

If you like Shakespeare, dear reader, I would be happy to hear from you; perhaps you can explain why I should change my mind about his works.

In the meantime, enjoy a quote from the great man that some of you may think rather apt when reading this post:

The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.

How Insulting!

Many people have insulted me over the years. Many people still do.

I’m not talking about people who swear at me, or tell me in no uncertain terms what they think of me. I’m referring to clever little put downs that are rude but funny.

Below are some great examples of insults that I have stumbled upon while travelling in cyberspace, peppered with one or two that I have picked up from other people.

If you had brains, you’d be dangerous.

Keep talking – one day you might say something intelligent or interesting.

How do you manage to get dressed in the morning?

Don’t feel sad – there are a lot of other talentless people around.

Even stupid people think you are stupid.

If you spoke your mind you would be speechless.

Humans are meant to live and learn. You just live.

You’d be out of your depth in a puddle.

Crikey – take that bloody mask off. Oh sorry – you’re not wearing one.

Hi – I’m from Earth. Where are you from?

How did you get here? Did somebody leave a cage open?

When you fell out of the ugly tree, did you hit every branch?

100,000 sperm and you won the race?

You’re the kind of person they would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

Calling you “stupid” would be an insult to stupid people.

Is there a village somewhere missing an idiot?

I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.

You’re a sandwich short of a picnic.

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

You are living proof that man can function without a brain.

Something crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Here are some insults from some of my favourite comedy shows:

Blackadder:

"We live in an age where illness and deformity are commonplace and yet, Ploppy, you are without a doubt the most repulsive individual I have ever met. I would shake your hand but I fear it might come off."

“Yes, it's not the only thing that is "very small indeed". Your brain for example – it is so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small water biscuit.”

“Percy, far from being a fit consort for a Prince of the Realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the Court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a funny codpiece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it.”

"The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed, hasn't he, Percy?"

Red Dwarf:

“I can’t believe I’m doing this. Look at me – I’m disgusting. I look like you in your best clothes”

“I am Holly – the ship’s computer, with an IQ of 6000 – the same as 6000 PE teachers.”

“The mind-probe was created to detect guilt, yet in the case of Arnold Judas Rimmer the guilt it detected attaches to no crime. He held a position of little or no authority on Red Dwarf. He was a lowly grease-monkey, a nothing, a piece of sputum floating in the toilet bowl of life. Yet he could never come to terms with a lifetime of under- achievement. His absurdly inflated ego would never permit it. He's like the security guard on the front gate who considers himself head of the corporation. So, when the crew were wiped out by a nuclear accident, Arnold Rimmer accepted the blame: it was his ship, ergo his fault. I ask the court: look at this man. This man who sat and failed his astronavigation exam on no less than thirteen occasions. This sad man, this pathetic man, this joke of a man. I ask the court one key question: would the Space Corps have allowed this man ever to be in a position where he might endanger the ship? A man so petty and small-minded he would while away his evenings sewing name labels on to his ship-issue condoms? A man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence counsel. An overzealous, trumped up little squirt, an incompetent vending-machine repairman with a Napoleon complex, who commanded as much respect and affection from his fellow crew members as Long John Silver's parrot. Who would put this man, this joke of a man, a man who couldn't outwit a used tea bag, in a position of authority where he could wipe out an entire crew? Who? Only a yoghurt. This man is not guilty of manslaughter. He's only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime. It is also his punishment. Defence rests.”

"Look, we all have something to bring to this discussion. But I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence."

Two of my favourite insults supposedly come from Winston Churchill:

Woman: Sir, you are drunk!
Churchill: And you, madam are ugly! But at least I’ll be sober in the morning.

Woman: If you were my husband I would poison your tea.
Churchill: If you were my wife I would drink it.

Finally, here is a sketch from Alexei Sayle’s TV show, which I personally think is hilarious (my warped sense of humour I’m afraid). It demonstrates the clever use of put-downs but the point is emphasized with mindless violence.



What are your favourite insults?

Hugh Laurie Is Not Dr House - He's Stupid Prince George!

I read a bizarre blog post the other week, describing Hugh Laurie as a sex symbol. The blog author was an American woman and was a huge fan of his highly successful series over there about a maverick medical misanthrope called Dr Gregory House.

I watched an episode out of curiosity and was amazed at how he has managed to transform himself into this strange character.

In the UK, we know Hugh Laurie as a comedy actor who usually plays gawky idiots. He is also a talented writer and musician who has starred in a sketch show with his comedy partner, our very own Stephen Fry.

From what I’ve read from American blogs, I have a feeling that Hugh Laurie’s early work is unknown across the pond. I’ve therefore decided to enlighten any Americans who stumble across this post with some of the best Hugh Laurie moments from his earlier career in the UK.

Let’s start with a scene from Friends (yeah - I know its American but it does show Hugh Laurie doing what he does best):



And now in Blackadder II as evil Prince Ludwig:



And now my favourite Hugh Laurie character; stupid Prince George in Blackadder The Third (with Stephen Fry and Rowan Atkinson):



And as George in Blackadder Goes Forth:



Here’s a sketch with Stephen Fry:



And finally an early musical composition to show off his musical talents:



I hope that gives you a deeper appreciation of Hugh Laurie. I cannot think of him as Dr Gregory House at all – to me he will always be Prince George, the bumbling stupid idiot from Blackadder The Third.