Fake News

Last week MPs in Britain decided to launch a parliamentary enquiry into something that has been disturbing them more than looking at their own faces in the mirror.

They are worried about what they describe as “the growing phenomenon of fake news”.

When I read this, I struggled to contain myself. After 2016 my soapbox is currently totally worn out and in hiding and I strive to be more positive and this news story almost made me break my resolution not to rant.

Almost!

And then I just laughed at the hypocrisy of it all.

MPs, known for their ability to tell lies at the drop of a hat, are complaining because somebody is actually outdoing them. The number of lies that these mutant power hungry liars told in 2016 is utterly breath-taking. The hypocrisy is so tangible I could shake its hand and take it out for a meal.

Are these MPs just being dumb or do they think that the general public is stupid too?

They portray themselves as paragons of virtue and yet their entire lives are spent fooling the general public by lying to themselves to get elected.

It makes me wonder whether any of them have actually read any tabloid newspapers like the Daily Mail or Daily Express which have basically been publishing fake news ever since I can remember. If they want to have an enquiry into fake news they should visit the offices of these two rags and listen in as their editors discuss the lies they are about to publish for the week ahead.

And then they should investigate their own house, including most of the speeches they make in parliament – or on programmes like Question Time where they hand out half-baked lies backed up by fake figures to an audience.

What they are really pissed off about is the fact that the general public are being swayed by other sources of lies apart from their own. Worse, some of them have even been caught out themselves, using fake news stories to reinforce their points only to discover that they have been led up the garden path themselves.

It’s all about gullibility and personally I love reading truly fake news – because it’s hilarious. Some of the stories out there are amazing.

Many years ago, a spoof newspaper arrived in the UK called “The Sunday Sport” and basically it publishes ridiculous stores in a similar way to the usual British press – but in this case they are clearly crazy.

Here are some example headlines:

“World War II Bomber Found On Moon”

“Statue of Elvis Found on Mars”

“Adolf Hitler Was A Woman”

“London Bus Found Buried At The South Pole”

There are lots more so-called stories but a lot of them these days are rather crude albeit still funny.

However, if you compare these obviously spoof stories with some of the supposedly genuine tabloid newspaper stories, sometimes it’s difficult to tell the difference. Headlines like:

“Freddy Starr Ate My Hamster”

“Boy, 4, Has The Mark Of The Devil”

“UFO Hits Wind Turbine”

To be honest, my feeling is that politicians should get their own house in order before targetting so-called fake news. For example, last year, I was beyond being outraged at some of the blatant lies we are hearing from the aftermath of Brexit and also those coming from the other side of the Atlantic as Donald Trump also waged war on those media outlets that are trying to tarnish his image.

Thankfully, I stopped reading newspapers years ago and some fake news sites are far more entertaining. I prefer to rely on news on the TV rather than the intended brainwashing by newspapers whose editors have their own agenda to influence world politics.

Of course, all of this will change when I become world president. I’m just biding my time until I find the right moment to strike.

Don’t laugh.

My time will come. I am younger than Theresa May and a lot younger than the oversized oompa loompa with mad hair currently residing in the White House so there is plenty of time for me to start my own propaganda machine.

In fact, I’ve set the machine in motion by contacting Mr Trump himself. He agrees with me and is preparing an executive order.

Similarly I have been in touch with Theresa May, the current Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and she is whole-heartedly behind me.

Now how’s that for news?

Policy of Truth

Do you mind if I rant?

I am totally sick of politics and politicians. They dominate my life and ruin my days. The news is full to bursting with these arses insulting my intelligence on a daily basis.

At the moment, there are two major political stories saturating the news at the moment. I wrote a post about each of them earlier this year.

The first is the American Election. The second is the EU Referendum.

I am absolutely sick of them both. What’s more I am sick of everybody involved, from the media themselves to the politicians involved, from the morons on each side who use anger and outrage as weapons to persuade us to the absolute downright lies and exaggeration that these people use to fool us into putting an X in a little box.

Let me start with the EU referendum, i.e. whether the UK leaves the European Union or not. This referendum affects us all in the United Kingdom and in my opinion this has been one of the dirtiest campaigns I have ever had the misfortune to witness.

Both sides have told blatant lies and issued dire warnings about what would happen if the other side wins. At first, it was funny seeing the depths that these odious people have plummeted to get us to support with their respective causes.

I have done some research myself and I know that they are lying – on BOTH sides.

Here are some examples of the lies and scaremongery we have had to endure (from both sides):

The EU is trying to achieve the same as Hitler – just using different methods.

Leaving the European Union could trigger World War 3.

If we stay in the European Union, migrates will come in and sexually assault our women.

Our economy will collapse if we leave the European Union.

I have avoided watching debates on the television because I hate the people involved and I know that there will be virtually no facts mentioned by either side and that fear-mongering will prevail as well as character assassinations on both sides.

And in America, the knives have been out for months in both camps as we have had to witness so-called political allies stabbing each other in the back. In the UK the Conservative Party is currently having a civil war of Europe but normally, during a general election, all differences are cast aside in favour of the party.

Yet in the United States, we have the Democrat candidates attacking each other and the Republican candidates doing the same thing. Worse, we have to endure it on British television.

I don’t give a shit about the American elections. I’m interested ultimately who wins but that’s about it. I do not want to see the war between Donald Trump and Ted Cruz or the political battles between Hilary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. It seems to take forever and then, just when you’ve had enough, the war escalates as the Democratic candidate takes on the Republican candidate.

My God – how do Americans manage to endure this long drawn out campaign?

I am sick of the European referendum.

I am sick of the American elections.

I am sick of David Cameron, Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and George Osborne.

I am sick of Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton.

I am sick of “Brexit”.

I am sick of “Bremain”.

I sick of “facts” that are not facts.

I am sick not hearing the truth.

I am sick of lies.

I am sick of constant television coverage.

I am sick of people falling out based on campaigns of fear.

I am sick of politicians.

I am sick of politics.

I want all of them off my television screens.

They may argue that this is the most important decision we will every make. If that’s the case, why the phark are they misleading everybody with constant lies and no real facts?

People cannot predict the future but politicians of all sides and all countries think they can. Not only do they preach lies to us, they use the future to sway us all by predicting what will happen if we don’t support them.

They make promises – they break them.

They predict the future – they fail.

They tell us facts – the facts are lies.

And I’m sick of it.

I think I need to become an anarchist.

Anyway the best way to finish off a rant is with a little heavy metal, which is quite apt!

I'm glad that's off my chest. Thanks for listening.

The Janus Men

There’s been a bit of a furore recently in the UK in the aftermath of the election of the new leader of the Labour Party, the current opposition party.

The new leader is a guy called Jeremy Corbyn, a man whose views are generally a little controversial. The right wing press have had the knives out ever since he put his name forward but, in my opinion have stooped to new depths.

The latest slur against Corbyn is that he was caught doing something absolutely despicable. As controversial as his views are, he has apparently committed a most evil crime against the country, an act bordering on being treasonous that has offended not only the establishment but the veterans of two World Wars and the Queen herself.

Evidently, he can stoop no lower.

So what is this hideous evil thing he has done?

I swear I am not making this up.

HE WAS CAUGHT NOT SINGING OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM!

Here are some of the headlines:

“Corb snubs the Queen” The Sun

“Corbyn snubs Queen and country” The Telegraph

“Shameful: Corbyn refuses to sing national anthem” Daily Express

“Fury as Corbyn refuses to sing national anthem at Battle of Britain memorial” – Daily Mail

“Corby a zero: Leftie refuses to sing national anthem” – Daily Star

This was front page news despite all of the other tragedy that is going on in the world.

Now I don’t really care what your political views are but this story is typical of the kind of shit that makes headlines in our country. I am convinced that we are becoming a nation of idiots who ignore the real tragedies in our own country and the rest of the world in favour of this misguided madness that fuels the fire of absurdity in the United Kingdom.

My views are summed up in this image:

Let me tell you some things about our national anthem.

It’s called God Save the Queen and it is one of the most boring anthems in the world.

It has six verses and of those people who know the words, only a handful actually know all of them.

The people of Scotland hate the anthem because, nestled away in verse six, are the words:

“May he sedition hush and like a torrent rush rebellious Scots to crush”

Here is the anthem:

I do hope you didn't fall into a coma listening to it.

If you are not religious and not a royalist then the song is meaningless to you.

I’ve been to England football matches and traditionally they play the national anthems of the teams involved. I don’t sing it and to be honest a lot of other people don’t either.

At the last cricket match I went to see involving England, they played Jerusalem:

Another candidate that other people have suggested be the anthem is Land of Hope and Glory:

I would probably sing both of those. because they are better than God Save the Queen, more upbeat and joyous. We want a bit of pomp when the anthem rings out and we want to sing about the country’s good points, not a dreary dirge about whoever the current monarch is.

I have nothing against royalty but I largely ignore them. I’ve said before on this blog that they serve a vague purpose but I have no desire to actually prostrate myself in front of Queen Elizabeth as if she really were a better person than me. I would sit and have a chat with her about her life but I would refuse to cave in to the expected social etiquette.

We don’t live in the times of Henry VIII.

For these reasons, I can understand why people are embarrassed to sing the anthem or simply refuse to do so.

Don’t get me wrong; I love my country but there are more important things to consider other than a politician being caught with his mouth closed when he should have been bellowing the words to an outdated song about the monarchy.

Sadly, he has caved in to pressure and will sing the anthem next time he has to in public, just to please a bunch of fawning royalists.

I mean, I thought that our country was free and you should be allowed to live your life as you please without having to fit in with outraged little Englanders.

What annoys me most about this is that the newspapers are claiming the moral high ground about this. It seems to have been forgotten that journalists who work for these papers have been guilty of attacking the royal family in the past. Do they think that we have forgotten about a certain newspaper hacking the voicemail of Prince Charles, the heir to the throne?

The hypocrisy is breath-taking.

What worries me most is that I am surrounded by people who believe absolutely everything they read in the newspapers and their views are moulded by the garbage that they read. There will be people who will never ever consider voting for Jeremy Corbyn because of these pathetic headlines.

The most disturbing hypocrisy has been the refugee crisis where certain newspapers have made a sudden about turn, showing themselves as total hypocrites.

Look at these contrasting headlines in The Sun and the Daily Mail:

Such two-facedness makes me sick.

I’ll end on a lighter note. Here is what Billy Connolly thinks should replace the national anthem:

I think I agree – as long as I can write the new lyrics.

That’s a subject for another post.

The Time Of Liars

How can you tell when  a politician is lying?

It’s easy; he’s talking.

The time I dread is upon us;  that’s if you live in the United Kingdom. Yes, it’s election time again, when we are subjected to a parade of lying politicians appearing on the television, on the radio, on the internet and, if like me you are unlucky enough to live in a marginal constituency, on your own doorstep.

It’s time for an election and for the next few weeks the British people have to endure a bunch of double-talking, dishonest and deceitful hypocrites promising the world and delivering nothing but their own agenda.

Over the coming weeks, the news will be full of these people using scare tactics or worse to get us to put a tick in a box next to the name of a lying representative of their party, all so that one of the leaders can become our next Prime Minister and spend the next five years shafting us all in one way or another.

So what array of liars do we have?

Allow me to introduce them to you.

David Cameron is the current Prime Minister and leader of the Conservative party, a party who love rich people. With his Chancellor, George Osbourne, you have two former public school boys who think that they are one with people, declaring “We’re all in this together,” while at the same time allowing the rich to get richer and the poor, via a savage austerity programme, to get poorer.

David Cameron

Osborne - Smugness Personified

Ed Miliband is the leader of the opposition and has become a laughing stock, simply because he looks like a melting waxwork and speaks as if he has a huge ball of cotton wool up his nostrils. While he claims to stand for fairness, it’s difficult to believe him and not just because his rhetoric is delivered from his funny face and lopsided mouth.

Which one is the leader of Labour Party?

The current Deputy Prime Minister and leader of the Liberal Democrats is Nick Clegg, a man whose party is currently in government as the tiny party in coalition with David Cameron’s Conservatives. He made promises before the election but his party realistically couldn’t get elected with a majority on their own. They formed an unholy alliance with the Conservatives and when they had a taste of power all of their pre-election promises were completely broken. He made an impassioned film apologising for his deceit but all this did was make his party even more unpopular.

Nick Clegg

Nick Clegg's  apology was quite rightfully mocked:

But the really bad thing is that thanks to his broken promises my younger son will leave university in a few years’ time with an enormous debt.

Clegg’s party is now floundering and this has let in a very scary party called UKIP (UK Independence Party) led by “man of the people”, the beer drinking, smoking man who “tells it like it is”, Mr Nigel Farage. Like Ed Miliband, he is a strange looking guy but he resonates with the little Englanders up and down the country who blame every problem in the UK on one thing: immigration.

Farage - Looney Leader

While Farage tells his scaremongering lies very eloquently, claiming that he does not lead a racist party, certain UKIP councillors and other members of his party have exposed their true colours.

Like this lady:

She was sacked. But what about this man?



He was sacked too. How about the UKIP councillor who blamed a series of severe floods in the south of England on David Cameron’s decision to legalise gay marriage?

He too was suspended. It seems to me that Mr Farage has his work cut out trying to apologise for the loonies in his party.

Nigel Farage - nothing more needs to be said

There are other parties too, most notably Plaid Cymru (“The Party for Wales”) and the Scottish Nationalist Party, neither of whom I can vote for, who are totally driven by issues for their own country and the break-up of the United Kingdom.

Usually it is a two horse race between Labour and the Conservatives but this time there seems to be no party that will get the required majority. This means that we will almost certainly end up with yet another coalition, lots more broken promises and, if we are really unlucky, a lunatic party like UKIP having a say in government policies.

As I said, I live in a marginal constituency which means that the only likely winners for my seat are the Liberal Democrats or Labour. There will be a stream of leaflets from these two parties through my letterbox and if I am really unlucky, the party activists and/or prospective MPs themselves will come-a-knocking hoping that I will promise to vote for them.

When I get my ballot paper, I want another option. I know I won’t get it but you can hope, can’t you?

The option is “None of the Above”.

Alternatively, I could vote for The Official Monster Raving Looney Party (“Vote For Insanity”) – and yes they really do exist (click here if you don't believe me).

With candidates like “Sir Oink-a-lot”, “Baron von Thunderclap”, “R.U.Seerius”, “Minkey the Drummer” and “Baron Barnes von Claptrap” they will make more sense than the liars we have to suffer.

Hopefully, on the night, TV coverage will be like this:

We can live in hope, can’t we?

How To Become a Politician

My last post talked about the general election that is looming in Great Britain, a period when all I want to do is avoid the world outside, lest I be bored into a coma by what is going on around me or ranting about the exploits and ideas of our politicians.

For a short time I actually considered what it would like to be a politician – when I say a short time I mean three nanoseconds.

And then I started thinking about the personality traits that would be required to actually become a successful politician. So I did a little research and discovered a very scary fact:

Politicians are psychopaths.

Actually that isn’t absolutely true, but politicians do share some of the personality traits of psychopaths and serial killers.

If you think about it, it really does make a weird kind of sense (and I am very interested in anything weird even if it doesn’t make any sense at all).

Psychopaths have a need to control others and will use various methods to achieve their goals: charm, intimidation, manipulation, threats, lies and violence.

I am not saying for a second that politicians will resort to violence to get what they want, although some have been known to do that. However, they will appear smarmy and their speeches will be full of lies and outrageous claims that are meant to convince the electorate that they are indeed the people to lead and control the populace.

Some people, who are drawn into the world of politics, are enthralled by the thought of power and the need to be in control of people. And they will use any means at their disposal to get what they want, faking emotions in order to convince people that they are sincere and genuine.

So how do you become a politician?

First, try becoming a liar.

Everybody tells lies, even me (mostly in blog posts to be fair). It’s not that difficult. However, what is difficult is hiding the body language that screams “I AM TELLING YOU A PACK OF LIES!”

Here are some things you can try on your own in the comfort of your own bedroom. Strip naked and stand in front of a mirror and watch your reflection as you tell the most outrageous lies to yourself. You can try:

“I am the best looking man in the entire world and all women love me.”

Actually, be careful with this one because I’ve tried it and simply couldn’t stop laughing. And Mrs PM caught me too and wondered why I was standing naked in front of a mirror trying to convince myself that I was a babe magnet while howling with raucous laughter. It did give me a chance to try lying to her – but she spotted my “lying voice”.

Apparently when I tell lies, Mrs PM can tell because the tone of my voice changes and my facial expression changes too, thus giving away the fact that I am a total liar. See what I mean about body language? I wear my heart on my sleeve so there is no way I can tell blatant lies or hide the fact that I find something outrageous. If I really wanted to become a politician, I would have to go on a major “How To Lie” course – I simply cannot tell a lie without giving the game away before I have even uttered the words.

Anyway, if, unlike me, you manage to keep a straight face while standing in front of a mirror convincing yourself that you are an Adonis and not a decrepit, podgy old git with a face like melted cheese, then you can try the next step – lying to other people.

Walk up to a complete stranger in the street and say something outrageous like:

“I’ve just heard that Britain is about to become the 51st State; President Obama is coming over for talks with Gordon Brown about the handover of sovereignty. We need to do something about this. Are you with me?”

There are stupid people around so you may be lucky and find somebody who actually believes you. If you do, then build on it, hone the lie and then try it on everybody else.

If you can master the lie then you need to work on becoming a smarmy git. Try a little sycophancy. Walk up to complete strangers and complement them; pay particular attention to ugly people like me (note – do not try me because I am a politician-hating anarchist who trusts nobody and sees deceit and lies in everything).

If you spot an ugly woman, walk up to her and say

“May I just say that your beauty is radiant that it has brightened up this dismal, overcast, rainy day. May I ask your secret? How do you manage to look like a gorgeous English rose on a depressing day like today? You have made my day; it is rare to see such beauty these days”

I have tried this but the combination of my lying voice, lying face, lack of charm and total look of crazy desperation usually betray me and I end up with a swift kick in the groin and a warning not to “try to chat me up” in future.

A word of warning: you may suffer this fate – but I am sure that if you are charming and do not look like the back end of a baboon you will have more success than me.

Next, you have to try kissing babies. Be aware that you might get beaten senseless by an irate mother. With that in mind I would try holding and kissing a baby that you know. I recently watched David Cameron clutching a baby in a hospital while on the campaign trail and he was a master.

The next trick is to come up with a catchphrase or slogan for yourself. For example:

“The lady’s not for turning.” – Margaret Thatcher

“Yes we can.” – Barak Obama

“I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, sweat and tears” – Winston Churchill.

“Read my lips: no new taxes” – George Bush Sr


One of the key things you have to do is pledge allegiance to a political party – at least publicly – and then use every opportunity to shout down the ideas, principles and manifesto pledges of all of your opponents – even if you agree with them. I suppose this is another form of lying, so mastering the art of fibbing is a natural prerequisite.

Next, try making a few outrageous claims, like Gordon Brown did when he foolishly said “I saved the world” in the Houses of Parliament. I would suggest that such a statement would possibly be a little TOO outrageous; perhaps opt for something that all politicians love to do – quote figures. I cannot believe for a second that politicians can keep a database full of numbers and percentages in their brains. I am therefore of the opinion that they all simply make it all up, that is, it is another fabulous form of lying.

Insults are another good way to get the better of your political nemeses, the funnier the better - for example:

[Being attacked by Geoffrey Howe is like] “being savaged by a dead sheep” – Dennis Healey.

“If Gladstone fell into the Thames, that would be a misfortune. If anybody pulled him out, that, I suppose would be a calamity.” – Benjamin Disraeli about William Gladstone.

[Clement Attlee is] “a sheep in sheep’s clothing” – Winston Churchill.

“Attila the Hen” – Clement Freud describing Margaret Thatcher.

“He has not a single redeeming defect” Benjamin Disraeli on William Gladstone.

“She probably thinks Sinai is the plural of sinus” Jonathan Aitken on Margaret Thatcher.

Another key skill of a politician is the ability to not answer a question. If you watch political interviews, you will see this happen all of the time. When asked a question, most politicians will simply answer another question or, in most cases, ignore the question completely and then use the opportunity to tell a fabulous lie about themselves or their policies or simply insult and put down their political opponents. To me this particular skill is mandatory.

You can practice this. When asked the simple question “How much did you spend?” simply answer another question and throw in a few meaningless and false facts and figures. For example:

“How much did you spend?”

“Going to the shops is a privilege that I, for one, will never relinquish and never ever take away from the normal man in the street. Did you know, for example, that 53% of men are so concerned about the prospect of not being allowed to venture into the city to enjoy this fabulous pastime without having to justify themselves. Our opponents want to remove this right by demanding that 35% of men stay outside the shop. If that is allowed to happen then 23,453 men will stay at home and watch TV, become fat and end up putting a burden on our health service. That’s what our opponents fail to see.”

“With all due respect you are not answering the question. How much did you spend?”

“I am answering the question and, if you will allow me to finish, you see that my explanation answers your question perfectly. You see, shopping is our right and my party wants all men to able to go down to the shops whenever they like and not be concerned about bureaucracy and red tape making their life difficult. Life is hard enough as it is and the hard working man must be able to exercise his freedom. Britain needs freedom and it is the interminable right of every British man to go to the shops. I will not allow it to change; it will be an insult to the ordinary working British man who makes this wonderful country what it is today. It is my right, it is your right and, by God, I will make sure that this right remains.”

“Answer the bloody question – HOW MUCH DID YOU SPEND??????”

And on it will go. Of course, if you read carefully, you can see two new abilities that you need to become a politician.

First, the ability to bullshit; i.e. talk utter nonsense while pretending to make perfect sense. Politicians are masters at this.

Second, you need to be patriotic. Mention Britain a lot (or whatever country you live in) and make believe that your political opponents want to take away your rights as a citizen of your country. American politicians are particularly good at this.

The final and possibly most important trait of a politician is egotism; you must absolutely love yourself, believe in yourself and believe that everybody on the entire planet should love you. You must be totally self-centred and not worry about offending anybody who disagrees with your self-love. The only problem is that you must somehow disguise this egotism with a cloud of deceit, which means that you must lower yourself to mix with the lower classes, smile at them, touch then, hug them, even possibly kiss them. You must befriend these people and make them believe that you are some kind of saviour and that, without you, the world will end.

Sadly, for me at least, no politician has ever come close to achieving this last requirement and most if not all of them reveal their inner selves as sure as those lizards did in the science fiction series “V”.

I am not saying that politicians are lizards (although somebody like David Icke might disagree with me); I am simply saying that I do not trust them – any of them.

And it is this untrustworthiness that makes it impossible for me ever to become a politician. I cannot lie without giving the game away; I wear my heart on my sleeve; I have the charisma of a slug; people mistake me for Mr Hyde; I am totally unable to bullshit

I also like people and can answer questions.

That is probably why I will never be British Prime Minister.