Life's Sick Joke

Life is great.

Life is a gift that we should all take full advantage of, something we should grasp with both hands and squeeze as much fun and enjoyment out of before fate decides to whisk it away from us.

However, we all know that there are constraints that stop us from acquiring all of the pleasure and delight that life offers.

I hear a little voice from time to time warning me of the consequences of overindulgence, usually in tabloid newspapers, on the news or in the rhetoric of self-obsessed megalomaniacs who seem to think that life should be lived their way instead of mine.

And of course, there is nature itself that seems to delight in playing one almighty sick joke on the whole of humanity.

It is this latter constraint that I wish to bring to you attention, dear reader (even though you know all about it and will no doubt agree with me).

Mother Nature is a wonderful thing but rules us with a rod of iron, applying all manner of rules that are punishable by curtailing the gift of life.

Here are some examples:

Fatty food is divine. There is nothing more satisfying that waking up in the morning and devouring a full English breakfast of bacon, sausage, egg, black pudding, beans, toast covered in butter, all washed down with a massive cup of strong tea or a potent brain boosting cup of extra strong and delicious coffee.

Yet if I were to have that breakfast every single day of my life, I would grow fat and the dark figure with the scythe would almost certainly call for me a lot earlier than his original plan to. Fat is bad for you, caffeine is bad for you and endless bacon and sausage is bad for you.

The same can be said of burgers and fries washed down with fizzy soft drink. Eating such food on a regular basis will turn you into a huge monster and Mr Death will come calling sooner rather than later. Sugar and fat are simply killers in disguise.

And what about chocolate and cream and monstrous desserts? People love them yet if they overindulge the same thing will happen; they will look like a walking whale with the scythe-carrier marching behind and looking at his watch with a knowing grin on his face.

Smoking and alcohol are the same. There is nothing better than a pint of ale after a tough week but if you choose to take it to excess, you will pickle your vital organs.

You can’t even spend your life sitting in front of your tellybox. Watching too much television, so experts say, dulls the brain and at the same time stops you from exercising to keep your body in shape.

And while exercising helps, keeping Mr Death at bay, you can even fall foul of that if you overdo it.

Thrill seekers who like to hurl themselves off cliffs have the Grim Reaper as a constant companion, waiting for a burst of adrenaline so great that the scariest adventure might result in premature demise.

It’s a sick joke, dear reader.

We should be able to live our life as we want to without Mother Nature stepping in and applying certain rules to it.

“Yes, Mr Mancunian, you can stuff your face with steak every night for the next ten years and wash it down with the finest red wine from France – but it will cost you twenty years of this most precious gift.”

“Yes Mr Mancunian, you can bungee jump off a high bridge in New Zealand but one day that bungee rope might just snap.”

“Of course you can drive a fast car around a track, Dave, but I can’t promise that you will not crash into a wall at high speed.”

But it’s worse than that. Some of these constraints are built into my brain. For example, I want to see as much of the world as I can and this includes the desire to climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower, the Empire State Building and other huge man-made structures, as well as Nature’s own constructs, to see the view and marvel at our beautiful planet.

But in my case, Mother Nature has said:

“Sorry Dave, I’m going to stop you from seeing the whole of Dubai from the top of the Burj Khalifa; you need a fear of heights to limit what you can see of the world.”

It’s not fair.

I’m greedy.

I want it all.

So while life is great, it could be so much better, if Mother Nature cut us some slack and allowed me to indulge in the way I want to.

Sadly, she won’t allow it – and  I, like you, dear reader, am powerless to resist.

I am certain that Mr Reaper is waiting in the wings (at least 200 years in the future with any luck) so now my challenge is to keep him at arm’s length while keeping old Mother Nature happy.

I can do this by indulging my desires – but limiting them.

I can enjoy an English Breakfast every so often, spend the occasional evening watching my tellybox all night, enjoy a pint or three down the pub occasionally and even get some half decent exercise with a daily two mile walk and the occasional six mile hike at the weekend.

Sadly, I think my fear of heights is here to stay so I no longer plan to climb any mountains or man-made structure higher than my own house.

Mother Nature’s henchman might be stalking us all but we should plan to make his life difficult.

Whisking us away may be his raison d’etre but like Mother Nature can play a sick joke on him by keeping him as far away as possible.

The truth is that if you don’t stuff your face with a huge slab of chocolate cake every day, it is certainly more enjoyable when you do allow yourself to have one occasionally.

And when you do, just address Mother Nature and her henchman:

“Screw you! This is MY divine cake and this is my divine day to stuff my face with it.”

That cake will taste so much better, I can assure you.

Top Ten British Sitcoms

Having posted my favourite American sitcoms, I think it is only fair to list my favourite comedies from my own wonderful country. As I suggested in my last post, I prefer British comedy, maybe because the humour is much closer to home.

So without further waffling, let’s dive straight in. I apologise for any obvious omissions (Only Fools and Horses almost made it – but not quite).

10. Black Books

I am going to start with an odd little comedy show that ran for three seasons on Channel 4 featuring three very bizarre characters. Bernard Black, played by Dylan Moran is the owner of Black Books, a small bookshop, and doesn’t like customers, often being rude to them, and possessing a negative outlook on life while quaffing red wine. His oldest friend is Fran, played by Tamsin Grieg who herself is a bit weird and spends most of her time trying to get Bernard to behave in an acceptable manner. Finally, Manny is Bernard’s assistant, played by Bill Bailey and tries to make Black Books something more than it is while being treated with utter contempt by Bernard, who begrudgingly accepts that Manny is good for the shop. The show is slightly eccentric but very funny and all characters are superbly portrayed.

9. Drop the Dead Donkey

Drop the Dead Donkey was a very clever comedy show set in a newsroom, and recorded just a day or two before transmission so that the writers could include the latest news items in the show. It was full of hilarious but flawed characters each of whom had their own problems that usually spilled out into the show. The newsroom was run by a man called Gus Hedges who’s every utterance were complete phrases of business bullshit.

8. The IT Crowd

The IT Crowd is a personal comedy for me because, as you may know, dear reader, I work in IT myself. The show centres around Moss and Roy, who are two geeks working in the IT support department of a big company, and their boss Jen. The IT department is forgotten in the bowels of the multi-storey building they work in and all the guys seem to do is answer the phone and say “have you tried switching it off and back on again?” (a trade secret if you are supporting a system).

And although I am a geek myself, I am nothing like Roy and Moss.

“I have come here to kick ass and drink milk … and I’ve finished my milk!”

7. The Office

I remember watching The Office for the first time, thinking it was a real documentary – that is until I started laughing out loud. What I like most about the series is that I know a real life David Brent, a man who thinks that he is a frustrated entertainer who everybody loves, but is really a bloody idiot. The show was so successful that the format was sold to many countries, each of which put their own spin on the show (in fact the American version is also very funny and features in my top ten US sitcoms).

6. Father Ted

I’m cheating a little here because strictly speaking, Father Ted is from Ireland. Nevertheless, I will cheat anyway as I think it is hilarious. Father Ted Crilly is the parish priest of a remote Irish enclave called Craggy Island and lives with two other priests, Father Dougal who is like a stupid child, Father Jack, a cantankerous old drunkard who is totally repulsive and politically incorrect, and their housekeeper Mrs Doyle. I was brought up a Catholic myself and I would have loved it if the priests who took Mass were even remotely like the priests portrayed in the series; I might even have stayed being a practicing Catholic.

5. One Foot In The Grave

Victor Meldrew has become a fictional national treasure, with his grumpy outlook on life and his cries of “I don’t believe it!” when confronted by the absurdity of life. It’s amazing that the lives of a normal elderly couple living in a typically English suburb can suffer so much pain and bad luck but the Meldrews, particularly Victor, have to endure so much. Of course, if you have seen the show, you will know that Victor Meldrew brings most of the misfortune on himself. Mrs PM (and others) have remarked that I am slowly turning into Victor Meldrew – I bloody well hope not!

4. The Young Ones

In 1981, I was in the right place at the right time to fully appreciate The Young Ones. It is the story of four totally obnoxious students sharing a house: Rick, the obnoxious sociology student; Vyvyan, the mentally unstable and extremely violent medical student; Neil the nature loving hippy; Mike who thought he was the coolest man on the planet.

The show was full of mayhem and I know it didn’t appeal to adults at the time; it was puerile disgusting, violent and extremely silly – but hilarious. You had to be there – and I was!

3. Red Dwarf

If I were the last human being alive, I would like to think that I would share some of Dave Lister’s traits. I also live with three cats and the thought of a humanoid evolved from my hellcat would be a nightmare. I also know at least one person as obnoxious and generally unlikeable as Arnold Rimmer. Oh – and I want Kryten to live in my house and wash, and clean for me.

You may wonder what I am going on about. If you don’t then you will have never watched Red Dwarf and you will not understand the phrase “Better Dead Than Smeg”.

I actually saw Craig Charles(Dave Lister) in Manchester airport. At the time he was starring in the soap opera, Coronation Street, playing a character called Lloyd. A female friend said (rather loudly and in full earshot of Craig) “It’s Lloyd from Corrie!”. “No it’s not, “ I exclaimed. “It’s “Dave Lister!”

We then proceeded to argue about Red Dwarf vs Coronation Street.

I looked across and saw him shrug his shoulders and shake his head with an embarrassed wry smile.

If you are reading, Craig, I do apologise.

2. Fawlty Towers

There have been fewer more insufferable and rude characters than Basil Fawlty, the owner and manager of Fawlty Towers, a hotel situated in Torquay on the south coast of England. Most people expect to be treated with respect in hotels, but Fawlty seems to allow his own judgement of people determine how he treats them. If he doesn’t like you then you are in trouble. Aided by his domineering wife, a waitress who should have left years ago and a Spanish waiter who struggles to speak English, chaos always ensues.

Thankfully I have never stayed in a hotel like it – thank goodness.

1. Blackadder

Edmund Blackadder started out in the Dark Ages, as a weasel, a sycophantic loser with no brains and a purely detestable prince of the realm. His servant Baldrick was the brains of the operation, always with a cunning plan to rescue his hapless master. By the fourth series, set in World War 1, Blackadder was no longer a prince but had evolved into a devious and unpleasant character whose only thoughts were about himself. Baldrick had devolved into a repulsive little idiot.

While series one was a little hit and miss, the remaining three series, and the two specials, were and are comedy masterpieces. I remember showing an episode of Blackadder II to two American women – and they just didn’t get it (or even understand it), which is a real shame. However, it does highlight my initial point about loving comedy that is closer to home. US comedy is good – but not as good as British comedy.

#







And finally…

Over to you, dear reader.

Have you seen any of the sitcoms above?

Do you agree with me?

If not, what are your favourite British sitcoms?

Mr Sleepy Head

I have just returned from a trip to Oman and am desperately trying to adjust my body clock to match UK time. Even though there is only three hours difference between Muscat and my sleep has been curtailed by being jammed up in economy class like a battery hen on a flight that left Abu Dhabi at 2:30 and flew overnight.

I hardly got a wink of sleep, either smashing my legs on the seat in front or being pushed by somnambulists, walking down the aisle in a trance on their way to the toilet having quaffed too much liquid in the airport.

I arrived at home at 8:30 in the morning and went straight to bed. And today, a day later, I am shattered and don’t know when to sleep.

There are people I work with who follow the mantra of Mr Motivator, whose drive and desire to work at 200% mean that, in their opinion, there aren’t enough hours in a day. Such people think that I should have gone into work on Friday – for at least half a day, “because there is so much to do and the work won’t complete itself”.

I wasn’t asked directly – probably because the people concerned know that my response would have rhymed with “duck trough”.

I have many reasons to dislike (and for some people actually detest) those who follow the work ethics of Mr Motivator but lack of sleep and tiredness are major ones.

When I travel to a place like China, a journey that can last over 18 hours, I am expected to work as soon as I possibly can after I arrive. The first day of work is usually totally non-productive because of jet lag.

How people expect you to work, when the time difference is eight hours and you have travelled for almost an entire day on at least one long haul flight on an aircraft where sleep is utterly impossible, is totally beyond my comprehension.

Yet it happens.

And that is just the travelling aspect. I have heard Mr Motivator say absurd things like:

“Don’t believe people who say that you need a minimum of seven hours of sleep a night are just lazy. You can get by on four hours. Margaret Thatcher did – and so do I!”

Everybody needs a different amount of sleep. Not everyone is like Mr Motivator. I would go further and say that while Mr Motivator thinks he can get away with only five hours sleep, the reality is that he can’t. You will see him sitting there yawning occasionally and totally fuelled by caffeine to get him through the day.

I’ve done some research on this and I hope that Mr Motivator is reading because people really do need sleep. Here are ten effects of lack of sleep:

(1) Tiredness causes accidents. If you live miles away from work and have to drive on a motorway after only a couple of hours’ sleep, the chances of having an accident because of drowsiness and slow reaction times is vastly increased.

(2) You are more stupid. Lack of sleep impairs concentration and alertness and slows down your capacity to think clearly. In a job like mine, where I need to use my brain to solve problems, I need a full night’s sleep to make my mind sharp for the challenges of the day. This may explain some of Margaret Thatcher’s ridiculous policy decisions.

(3) You look older. Sleep deprivation can have a detrimental effect on your skin, as well as those bags under your puffy eyes, making you look as if you have aged a number of years.  The term “beauty sleep” was not coined as a joke. And it is quite clear that I need a lot of beauty sleep.

(4) Increased health problems. Being a hypochondriac, I wish I hadn’t discovered this. Lack of sleep can increase your chances of suffering from heart disease, high blood pressure, strokes and diabetes.

(5) Lower sex drive. Apparently age has an effect on your sex drive so if you are also not getting enough sleep then your libido will suffer. I can’t make myself younger (God knows I’ve tried) so I think I need more sleep.

(6) Depression. Depression is bad enough but if you can’t or won’t sleep because you are depressed, the  condition can be aggravated.

(7) Forgetfulness. As I grow older my memory is fading slowly but if you do not sleep enough, your already addled brain struggles even more to locate nuggets of information locked in your mind in little boxes labelled “Do not forget this”.

(8) You get fatter. Latest research suggests that lack of sleep can increase your appetite, causing you to eat more and therefore put on weight.

(9) Impaired judgement. Your brain suffers quite a lot because of sleep deprivation but as well as the effects mentioned above, your ability to assess situations correctly is also impaired.

(10) Increased risk of death. Possibly the scariest effect is that lack of sleep can increase the risk of fatal health issues.

If you are reading this, Mr Motivator, and think that I should spend more of my time working and not sleeping then you can think again. You may feel like you can survive on five or six hours’ sleep but I can’t. I need at least seven hours and I will continue to do that.

I am pretty sure that any readers who regularly wake up naturally after a full night of sleep will agree with me that there is no better feeling. You are refreshed, your brain is alert and you do not need a bulletproof caffeine injection to stimulate your groggy brain into action.

There may not be enough hours is a day for you Mr Motivator, but that is your problem and not mine.

I will not lose any sleep over your ill-judged advice, particularly if I have just suffered the ignominy of trying to sleep on a crammed aircraft next to a snoring bloater who is so fat that every time he moves, the entire aircraft shifts to the right, causing my knees to smash into the seat once more.

You should not have to adapt to a lifestyle created by Mr Motivator, dear reader; tell him to bugger off and get your eight hours of sleep.

You will feel healthier than he does.

I feel like starting a campaign.

Who’s with me?

Top Ten U.S. Sitcoms

I’m a great fan of British comedy and I regard out sitcoms as the funniest in the world, which is hardly surprising considering I am British myself and relate to the humour.

Comedies from across the pond don’t always strike a chord with me and while I generally find them amusing, they tend to lack the cutting edge that I find in British sitcoms.

Nevertheless, I have enjoyed many bright and hilarious sitcoms that have found their way from America onto my tellybox and it is those programmes that I would like to focus on in this post.

I present to you, dear reader, my top ten US sitcoms, programmes that I have genuinely enjoyed and found myself howling with laughter at.

Note – I am not including cartoons like The Simpsons and South Park (which I really enjoy). For this I will concentrate on live action shows. So without further ado, here is my list:

10. Friends

Friends was extremely popular in the UK and Mrs PM loved it – as did both of my kids. I caught the odd episode but never really got it – until I saw an absolutely hilarious episode featuring Ross and spray tan:



And then I watched it again and became hooked. Sadly, that was late in the series so I found myself watching old reruns. To be honest, I was not too keen on the “will they/won’t they” relationship with Ross and Rachel but the other character relationships were good enough to keep me entertained – particularly Joey, my favourite character in the show.

9. Taxi

When I was a kid, I caught an episode of Taxi with the character Latka Gravas, played brilliantly by the enigmatic Andy Kaufman.  Here he is offering his philosophy on happiness:




Most of the actors have gone on the achieve great things: Danny DeVito and Christopher Lloyd in particular, but I am fascinated with Andy Kaufman. If you ever get a chance to see the movie about Kaufman's life, called Man on the Moon and starring Jim Carrey as Kaufman, then please do. I recommend it.

Being from the UK, I only knew Andy Kaufman as Latka Gravas and when I saw the movie, I was astounded to see the mystery surrounding him, something we never knew. To me he was and always will be Latka – my favourite character in the show – but there was so much more.

8. Soap

Soap was another sitcom from the 1970’s that took the piss out of soap operas, with over the top characters and absurd plots. I loved it. Basically it was the story of two sisters and their families but it was much more than that – it was totally ridiculous – and that’s what made it brilliant:

My favourite characters were Burt Campbell (shown in the clip) and Benson the butler with his cutting wit.

7. Police Squad!

Police Squad! was silly – totally silly, silly enough to be as absolutely hilarious. Leslie Nielsen was a comic genius and how he managed to keep a straight face while filming the show and the three movies that were spawned from it, I will never know. I don’t think there has been a sitcom like it in America (correct me if I’m wrong) and there probably won’t be again.

Here is a typically silly scene:




6. Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Continuing on the cop show theme, Brooklyn Nine-Nine is a brand new series set in New York and features some of the best characters I’ve seen in a comedy show. Particularly surprising is Andre Braugher, who plays Captain Holt. I’ve only previously seen him in serious movies or mini-series and he has adapted to comedy extremely well. Also worth a mention are Andy Samberg as the childish Detective Peralta and Stephanie Beatriz as the sexy but scary Detective Diaz. It is one of my favourite comedy shows on television on either side of the pond at the moment.




5. Sledge Hammer

And yet more cop humour, Sledge Hammer was a parody of the Dirty Harry movies in the 1980’s. Sledge Hammer is a crazy cop of the same ilk as Clint Eastwood’s famous creation except he loves violence, big guns and even talks to his own gun. He has an extremely loud Captain, called Captain Trunk who spends the entire episode screaming “HAAMMMMEERRRRRR!!!”. Sledge Hammer was brilliantly portrayed by David Rasche and his catch phrase is fantastic: “Trust me! I know what I’m doing.” – except he doesn't really know at all:

4. The Office (US)

The Office in the UK was absolutely hilarious, and when it was announced that a US version of the show would be produced, I thought that America would just not get it, therefore the show would be completely different and nowhere near as funny. But I was wrong. The American version, while not quite as good as the original, has sailed off in a different direction and proved to be a very funny show in its own right. I don’t think Michael Scott is as amusing and cringeworthy as David Brent but the character of Dwight Schrute more than makes up for that:

3. Frasier

The first time I saw Frasier was on a long haul flight from Hong Kong to London and my guffawing made me look like a complete fool to the other passengers. Frasier Crane, and his brother Niles, are both such pompous arses that you can’t help but chuckle when they are brought down to earth – like in this scene:



Also, the character of Daphne has helped put Manchester on the map for Americans (even though her accent is nothing like Mancunian). Still, every little helps and I’m sure most Mancunians mind – even plastic ones like me.

2. Married With Children

Al Bundy was my hero and I had a crush on his daughter Kelly. What I liked about this series was that the family all lived together and tolerated each other even though they all appeared to hate each other. In fact all of the characters spent every episode hurling insults and belittling each other – and that was so different from almost all other US sitcoms I have seen. And of course, it was hilarious.



1. Curb Your Enthusiasm

Al Bundy was my hero, but Larry David, the evil Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm is most definitely my hero. When most of us bite our tongues to stop ourselves from saying something or doing something that might upset other people, Larry David has no qualms about bounding over the line of bad taste without a care in the world for the consequences of his actions. And along the way he meets other celebrities who are equally willing to portray alternative versions of themselves for our amusement. It is the funniest show to come out of the US. Even Mrs PM has grown to like it; at first she said “It just isn’t funny” but now she laughs as much if not more than me when we see an episode. It is clever, totally and utterly politically incorrect and takes no prisoners – and that includes the rather colourful language and adult themes that accompany it. Here are some examples – but be warned, they contain language that may offend.

And finally…

Over to you, dear reader.

Have you seen any of the sitcoms above?

Do you agree with me?

If not, what are your favourite US sitcoms?

Staring at a Blank Page

There is nothing more frustrating than sitting at my desk staring at a blank screen like a brainless idiot.

When I suffer from this affliction, my brain has somehow switched off and no amount of coaxing can kick-start my thinking engine.

Writers and bloggers will of course recognise this condition as writer’s block, something I have suffered from in the past, yet there are other forms that affect people other than those who are trying to put pen to paper and create something from their imagination.

For example, I have found myself sitting at my desk at work, trying to figure out the best and most efficient way to create a bit of software to solve a particular problem, yet my brain refuses to cooperate. It’s almost as if my brain has been replaced by a lump of jelly.

And the harder I try to think, the worse it gets.

It’s like trying to catch formula one car while riding a bike.

I have read in the past that the pinnacle of creativity is achieved first thing in the morning, soon after waking up, and as the day goes on, your creativity diminishes in favour of more analytical tasks.

And I have used this to my advantage at work.

It didn’t take long for me to work out that if I looked at solving a problem with some clever software, it was always more of a struggle as the day wore on.  I would stare at my computer screen at five o’clock and think “How on earth am I going to solve this?”. When confronted with such a feeling so late, the best thing to do is simply to give up and go home.

The phrase “sleep on it” leaps to mind and in my case this works because, first thing in the morning, the problem that was bamboozling me the previous evening is suddenly incredibly easy to cure.

“Now why didn’t I spot that last night?” I exclaim – every single time.

I recently read that there are other aids to creativity. One in particular seems very appealing.

Basically, if you are struggling to be creative, all you need to do is get up and go for a walk.

I discovered this is a bizarre fashion. I am currently trying to teach myself Spanish and occasionally challenge myself by attempting to read BBC Mundo, the Spanish version of the BBC web site. My Spanish is nowhere near good enough to translate the articles thoroughly but I do get the gist of quite a few, mainly because the articles are about newsworthy items and a little knowledge of what is going on in the world helps.

I found an article titled “Caminar aumenta nuestra creatividad” or “Walking increases our creativity”.

As I struggled with the translation, I found myself fascinated with the concepts as the vague English formed in my head.

The article describes a study which confirms that exercise boosts your creative mind. This is great news for me because I try to go for a walk every day of the week. At work, every lunchtime, I leave the confines of the office and embark upon a brisk walk around the block, a distance of just under two miles. At the weekend, Mrs PM and I try to go for a walk too; we have a regular three mile walk around Fletcher Moss along the river Mersey in Didsbury, but sometimes drive out to the local countryside and embark upon a bigger walk up to say six miles. Moreover, when we go away for the weekend or on holiday, we enjoy a leisurely stroll around the place to take in the sights. Last year, in Hong Kong, I worked out that we walked for ten miles around the city, just visiting old haunts. In Oxford, earlier this year, we walked eight miles in a day just exploring the city centre.

How do I know this? I have a pedometer; it was a surprise Christmas present a year or two ago and it is surprisingly accurate.

Anyway, back to the point; my brisk two mile walk at lunchtime every day aids my creativity. For an hour or so when I get back to work, I am refreshed and able to look at tricky issues with the same sharpness as I have in the morning.

Just walking around the area surrounding the office, with music in my ears to accompany my pace, my mind starts to wander into creative realms.

I know it works because today’s creative thought was all about how walking can help combat writer’s block. When I returned to the office, I opened my trusty little notebook and wrote it down.

And here I am writing the post (although it is now ten o’clock at night – a time when theoretically I should be winding down for sleep).

Next time I get a touch of writer’s block I will go for a walk and see what happens.

So what about you, dear reader? 

Do you have any tips to boost creativity and help combat writer’s block or jelly brain syndrome?

I’m very interested because I am looking for alternatives (as walking is not always an option sadly).

Fragrant Harbour

Hong Kong is my favourite city outside the UK and I worked out recently that I have spent well over a year of my life there.

My first visit was in the mid 1990’s with work and at first I hated the place, mainly because the project I was working on was very intense and extremely stressful, so much so that I felt physical symptoms, awakening the hypochondriac within me. It was a wake up call and became a bit of a turning point in my life.

I was making several trips to the city every year for around four years and I gradually grew to love the place, particularly because that was where Mrs PM and I got together.

Now, it holds a very special place in my heart, and if I ever win the lottery I will aim to visit there as often as I can. In fact, whenever I head east on a holiday, I always try to squeeze in a visit, even if it is slightly out of the way.

More recently, we popped in on our way to Australia in 2005, on our way to Thailand in 2008 and last year on our way to Japan. I have already made a rough plan to go back to Japan, probably in 2018 and, of course I shall visit Hong Kong as part of the itinerary.

I feel it is like visiting an old friend.

Here are some of my favourite memories of the city.

(1) Top of the list is of course, Mrs PM and I starting out on our relationship way back in 1998. Being a blind fool I had no idea that she was interested in a man like me, so effectively she had to make it obvious. I can be so dense sometimes – particularly when it comes to women.

(2) The view from Victoria Peak is arguably one of the greatest in the world. Hong Kong is resplendent with extremely modern skyscrapers and from the Peak you can actually look down on the splendour of the city. I would recommend having a meal in Café Deco, one of my favourite restaurants in the world. From there you can enjoy fantastic food and enjoy the magnificent view.

(3) Wan Chai is a very exciting area for night life and I have suffered the consequences of an excess of entertainment there on a couple of occasions, whether it be trying to buy a drink in Carnegie’s Aussie bar from between the legs of one of the many people dancing on the bar itself or watching a progressive rock tribute band playing Pink Floyd’s The Wall in its entirety (or at least the first few songs before I was unceremoniously dragged out by Mrs PM as she hates the band).

(4) Chinese food is fantastic, and I have to say that the cuisine in Hong Kong opened my eyes to new things to eat. Not all of them are appetising, for example eel stew or “thousand year old egg” but I certainly tried quite a few dishes I could barely imagine before visiting the city. We once went to a local restaurant , i.e. a restaurant that was not obviously  for tourists, and blindly ordered a set meal from a very grumpy waiter. The meal was fantastic and much cheaper than the more tourist oriented places we had eaten at previously.

(5) The Peninsular Hotel is probably the most expensive hotel I have ever seen. I can only imagine staying in one of the hotel’s most expensive suites, costing a few thousand pounds a night and offering breath-taking views of Victoria Harbour from your own private balcony, enhanced with a telescope, as well as your own private gym and a butler. The hotel also has a fleet of Rolls Royce limousines and a helipad shuttle service to take the most important guests to and from the airport. That is definitely something to do if I win the lottery and want to blow a wad of cash for one night.

(6) I mastered the art of politely refusing an offer without saying a word, thanks to Tsim Sha Tsui, or TST as it is known to locals. TST is a shopping area where there is a plethora of shops (in fact Hong Kong is a magnet for people who love shopping) but you can also buy tailor made suits, copy watches or jewellery. As you walk along the streets, you will almost certainly be asked if you want to buy such items and, being experienced now, all I have to do is raise my hand and shake my head slightly as soon as I am approached, rather than trying to engage them in conversation as I did in my naïve youth.

(7) Hong Kong is made up of the Kowloon peninsula and a staggering 263 islands, only a fraction of which I have visited. Lantau is the biggest island, closely followed by Hong Kong Island; in fact the airport Chek Lap Kok is also an island. Chek Lap Kok was originally just a tiny little place but was utterly flattened and, with the help of land reclamation turned into an island big enough to accommodate a huge airport. Mind you, having flown into Kai Tak, the original airport in Kowloon, I have to say that landing a plane at Chek Lap Kok is much safer. There are few experiences more terrifying than being on a plane that has turned sharply to land between high rise buildings in an extremely densely populated area of a very densely populated city.

(8) Hong Kong is full of skyscrapers and between visits a couple more have risen out of the ground to take me by surprise. I remember looking across Victoria Harbour during one of my more recent visits and exclaiming “Where the hell did that thing come from?” as my eyes caught yet another huge building. Talking of which, the view from the Kowloon side of Hong Kong to the enormous skyscrapers on Hong Kong island is breath-taking during the daytime but even more magnificent at night time when they are all lit up to great effect.

To be honest I could write an entire book on Hong Kong – maybe one day I will (it gives me an excuse to visit the place again) but I shall stop for now. I will leave you with some photographs of my time there.  If you get a chance to visit, please do; you will not regret it for one second. I know my next visit can’t come soon enough.

Taking a little bit of Walsall to Hong Kong in 1999.
I was working - honestly!

Noon Day Gun

Hong Kong Tram

Jumbo Restaurant, Aberdeen

Hong Kong Island at night.

View from Victoria Peak at night

Skyscraper City!

Hong Kong street life

Live band in a very packed bar in Wan Chai.

Dancing on the bar in Carnegie's

It's Over

It’s official; I am past it!

My life as a human being is over and I should be put out to pasture along with the other old fuddy-duddies.

My life as I have known it is over.

Well, in my opinion my life is far from over but there are people in the world who think it is – or should be.

These people are everywhere – and they are called ( I can barely bring myself to type the word …):

YOUNGSTERS!

Youngsters think that I am too old to partake in any activity that they consider an infringement to their domain. Youngsters think that I should spend my Saturday nights sitting at home in my slippers watching mind-numbing television programmes like Strictly Come Dancing, or discussing with other oldies what life was like before Playstations, Justin Timberlake and Jaeger Bombs.

If I were a horse I would be in the Knacker’s Yard desperately trying to avoid being turned into glue.

Why am I on my soapbox about youngsters? Let me tell you.

Last Friday night I went to my second rock concert in two days (how many youngsters do that?). The band was called Within Temptation and they were playing at the Apollo Theatre in Manchester. This is what they sound like:


I was with two like-minded individuals who love the band, one is in his early forties, the other is even older than I am – he is fifty six.

We stood watching the band with a fairly eclectic mix of people of all ages. And it was superb.

However, I discovered that a young lad who works with Mrs PM was there as well and he is twenty five years old. He was there because his girlfriend loves the band.

I was intrigued to find out what he thought of the concert, as a person who wouldn’t normally have gone to see Within Temptation.

Did he like the music?

Was the show good?

I asked Mrs PM to find out his opinion. Here’s what he said (paraphrased of course):

“They were better than I thought they would be. But I tell you what was funny – there were so many fifty year olds there in leather jackets and trying to cover their beer bellies with Within Temptation T-shirts. It was really funny. ”

“WHAT?” I said. “I was one of those fifty year olds!”

The implication was that there should be an age limit where only young people should be allowed to go to rock concerts.

“The cheeky little bugger,” I ranted. “What’s he saying? That people like me shouldn’t go to any more rock concerts because we’re too old?”

“I used to think that, when I was his age,” said Mrs PM. “I used to think that it was all over when you reached forty and that you should just stop doing young persons’ stuff.”

Of course, now that Mrs PM is over forty herself, she no longer has thoughts like that, especially since she is living with somebody who is even older.

Not all youngsters think such absurd thoughts. When I was a youngster, I didn’t care about anybody’s age. My own lads don’t care either – as long as I don’t rain on their parade.

My eldest lad, Stephen, was quite happy to come with me to see German rock band Rammstein, along with a similarly eclectic audience – and my fifty six year old mate!

I am not suggesting for a moment that I should get up to all of the nefarious activities I used to enjoy in my twenties – but I will not be judged by kids who think I am too old to do the things I like doing.

There is no way I will go to a night club, for example, or drink stupid amounts of alcohol, or hurl myself off a cliff with an elastic band tied around my ankle. I will never drink a Jaeger Bomb, no will you ever see me at a Bieber concert.

But if I want to play a computer game, see a decent heavy metal concert go to the pub with my mates or hang around with people of any age – I bloody well will.

There is a large group of youngsters who consider people like me to be too old to have fun. If it were up to them, I wouldn’t be allowed to do anything that they consider cool – the reason being, presumably, because once an old git like me has a go at it, the deed is no longer cool.

And before you start thinking that I am going through some kind of midlife crisis, dear reader, you couldn’t be more wrong.

I am still doing the things that I have always loved doing and, as long as I can do, I will continue to partake in such activities. The truth of the matter is that I recognise the limitations imposed by my age and actually cut down on pastimes that I feel I can no longer achieve.

In fact, if anything, I embrace activities that are more suited to my age. I would never start jogging for example because I fear the impact on my joints might be too severe – but that doesn’t stop me walking two miles a day during my lunchtime and walking much further at weekends when the opportunity arises.

Instead of going out for lots of beer and dancing like an idiot until the wee small hours, I tend to stroll to the pub and enjoy just a couple of pints.

But if I want to go and see a band I love, I will bloody well do so, and if I overhear any youngster saying that I am old fuddy-duddy who shouldn’t be at a gig like this, I will launch a tirade on my soapbox that will shock him into submission.

And if you think I am stuck inside on a Saturday afternoon with my slippers then think again. Actually, I am – but I will be off to the cinema with Mrs PM, my twenty year old son and his nineteen year old girlfriend to see the new Spiderman film in about an hours’ time before going for a meal – where I shall drink beer!

Sadly, I may struggle to stay awake for Match of the Day and may end up in bed by 11:30 – but that is a purely physical reaction to my age.

I may be fifty one years old but my mind is as sharp as it was when I was twenty one – sharper even.

It is most definitely not over!

So there!