A Strange Family

Some people might consider me to be a bit strange but as far as I know my family history is a normal one. Of course, that might not be true and I may uncover some weirdness in my ancestors when I eventually get around to tracing my genealogy.

However, I doubt I will find anything as odd as the family that supposedly rule our country – the Royal Family.

People in Britain, either love them or loathe them. I’m indifferent to them if I’m honest.

Given our history, I find them fascinating in their eccentricity. Here are some odd things perhaps you never knew about the Queen and her clan.

Judge for yourself which one is the oddest.

(1) The Royal Family don’t have surnames. The Queen’s name is Elizabeth II and while she is supposed to belong to the House of Windsor, apparently nobody calls her Elizabeth Mary Alexandra Windsor.  When Kate Middleton married Prince William, she lost her surname (how careless) and became “Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge”.

(2) The Queen has won thousands of awards. Apparently Elizabeth has been awarded well over 380,000 honorary awards – for doing what I don’t know. I would imagine that smiling isn’t one of them because these days we rarely see her smile.

(3) It is illegal for anyone of her subjects to stand within 100 yards of the Queen when not wearing socks. I would love to see the powers that be enforce this law. Also, if you misuse a postage stamp containing the image of the Queen, it is considered an act of treason. I suspect this is why the Post Office has now made stamps sticky enough to apply to the envelope without licking it. Thank God for that! That sticky stuff on the back of stamps tastes disgusting.

(4) King Charles II decreed that there must be at least six ravens in the Tower of London because, he thought, that if they fly away then the monarchy will implode and fail and Britain will collapse in a heap of raven shit. I think politicians are doing a good job of trying to break Britain without these bloody ravens – but we won’t descend into politics at this stage.

(5) The Queen is the Duke of Lancaster, rather than Duchess. This is because Queen Victoria regarded a Duke as superior to a Duchess therefore gave herself (and all of those who would follow her on the throne) that masculine title.

(6) The Queen has two birthdays – her actual birthday in April and a made up (and more traditional one) in June. Lucky her!

(7) The Queen is not legally obliged to have a passport or driving license. She is the most travelled person in Britain, I guess and I have seen photos of her behind the wheel. I wonder who taught her to drive. I imagine that he was forced to pass her even if she was a terrible driver.

(8) It is illegal to die in any Royal building. That means the Tower of London isn’t a Royal building because Henry VIII had an absolutely amazing time butchering people there by proxy. It does make me wonder about what would happen were an MP to die in the Houses of Parliament. What can they do to him? Give him a jail sentence?

(9) The Queen no longer has any real power. These days that is up to the government or as she refers to it “my government”. When we go to war it is the Prime Minister who declares this – not the Queen. She has no say on the matter.

(10) The Queen owns all swans on the River Thames. These swans are actually marked with a ring. Moreover she owns all swans in open water in the UK – but perhaps it’s too difficult and dangerous to catch the nasty hissing buggers. Even more strangely she owns all sturgeons, dolphins and whales in British waters. So if a whale pops into our waters on its way to a holiday somewhere else, for that brief period of time, it is the Queen’s pet.

(11) Apparently the Queen can fire the entire Australian government. I doubt whether this is still true but she must have been sorely tempted to exercise this right when Tony Abbott was the man in charge down under. Sorry – shouldn’t do politics!

(12) The Queen is immune from prosecution. I suspect if she were to beat up Piers Morgan in a fit of rage (who wouldn’t want to do that?) she might be forced to abdicate. If she did that she would go up in my estimation.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg, folks. I’m sure if we delve deeper we can uncover even more weirdness and eccentricity.

I need to be careful though – as one of her “loyal subjects” I might end up in the Tower of London for this post.

 I’ll have to learn how to cook raven pie!

The Queen (Elizabeth To Her Mates)

I have nothing against the Queen.

I prefer to think of her as a celebrity called Elizabeth Windsor, who happens to have inherited a lot of wealth and whose job it is to draw tourists into the country and place the United Kingdom into the limelight worldwide.

And that works for me.

My own personality type is such that I have a big problem with anybody who claims to be my better. I am certain there are really talented people out there in the big wide world who are better than me in some ways – I accept that. But these people are not worthy of me bowing to them or addressing them in such a way that makes me subservient to them.

And that goes for the Queen.

Don’t get me wrong; I would gladly go to Buckingham Palace and spend the afternoon sitting down with her and other members of the royal family, chatting about life, the universe and everything over afternoon tea.

I would not bow to her, though and I would want not refer to her as “ma’am”, “Your Royal Highness” or any other such terms.

I would call her “Elizabeth”. After all – that is her name is it not?

Elizabeth is Queen because she happened to be the daughter of King George VI, a man who himself was son of a previous King. And so it has been for centuries. She’s done nothing special – not really.

She is not better than me. She is just a person. I do not regard her as my ruler.

She is just a fellow Brit.

I have found the Diamond Jubilee celebrations a bit of a paradox; I like the idea that we should highlight the United Kingdom and show off to the world and all of the patriotism that goes with it, seeing people waving the Union Jack and celebrating everything that is British.

On the other hand, the focus of those celebrations is Elizabeth. The reason we are celebrating is because she has ruled for 60 years; we have been subservient to this woman for 60 years.

Elizabeth has been Queen all of my life. I have seen her face on stamps, coins and bank notes ever since I can remember. Hardly a day has gone by in my entire life when she hasn’t been in the newspapers, on television or brought to my attention in some other way.

It’s almost like she is a member of MY family.

Of course in real terms, she is a figurehead, these days. She has no real power, other than ceremonial and traditional. It’s not like, say, Tudor times, when a tyrant like Henry VIII ruled with a rod of iron.

Imagine living in England during the reign of Henry VIII? If he were to read any blog posts criticising the monarchy from the likes of a plebeian like me, I would find a number of royal soldiers on the doorstep of my hovel whose sole purpose would be to butcher me in the most painful way possible for being arrogant enough to dare to challenge the King’s right to rule me.

Thank goodness I live in the 21st century.

I can now tell everyone my feelings without fear of reprisal.

I have watched bits of the jubilee celebrations with mixed feelings. It’s great to see people celebrating Britain but I cringe with all the sycophancy that accompanies it. All news stations are biased, perhaps understandably so, and actually don’t tell the full story.

For example, with the camera on the Queen’s face, the commentator said something like:

“I’ve never seen the Queen looking happier; she is thoroughly enjoying this.” 

What I saw was the Queen looking quite stern, clearly not smiling – in fact she was grimacing at the rain that was threatening to ruin the spectacle of the flotilla of boats on the Thames.

And then the interviews with royalist spectators;

“Oh she’s WONDERFUL! I LOVE her; she’s done a magnificent job for 60 years. Long may she reign over us.”

And that sums up the problem for me. The Queen is the original “celebrity” for me, a person who shows up at various functions, cuts ribbons, makes the odd speech, smiles and waves, tells us all about what she thinks at Christmas and has her face on our currency.

I recently visited the Tower of London and saw the Crown Jewels and was kind of shocked at the opulence. Elizabeth is so wealthy, so utterly rich that it is almost obscene. She has done nothing to earn that wealth other than be born into it.

People like to remark about how the royal family do so much for charity but they could sell one of the crowns and then use the money to feed the starving in Africa – or even help the needy in their own country.

When I see people fawning over royalty, I see the same undeserving adulation as people who claim to love people like Katie Price and Kerry Katona.

As I said, I don’t hate the Queen at all; she was born into the role she has and she is obliged by the system to sit comfortably within that role until she dies or decides that she’s had enough, when it will all be handed over to her son Prince Charles.

What I am not comfortable with is the actual role itself and the concept of the monarchy in general. Maybe it is the anarchist within me; maybe it is the rebel who wants all men to be equal.

Power corrupts and people who have such power generally abuse it in some way. History is full of examples of this and my own country has an absolutely horrific history. Imagine Henry VIII on the throne now.

I’m not saying that the Queen would ever consider being such a tyrant. But I am willing to bet that in a conversation between us, she would not be even vaguely interested in my life – simply because she would regard me as such an insignificant person.

I, on the other hand, would be very interested in her life. I would love to spend a couple of hours listening to her true thoughts on the monarchy, the lives of ordinary people in Britain and so on.

You may think that this is not a worthy post for such a celebration of Britain but I don’t care really. As far as I am concerned, Elizabeth has fulfilled her role very well and will undoubtedly smash the record set by Queen Victoria to become the longest reigning monarch in UK history. In that respect she will have had to have endured the role and all it entails for longer than any of her ancestors.

And she probably deserves some recognition for that.

Well done Elizabeth.

Am I An Alien?

I think that I might be an alien.

I was browsing the internet, you know, that amazing source of all human knowledge, when I came across an article that listed the traits, suggested by “experts”, that you, as a human being, should look out for when trying to spot an alien visitor to the shores of our wonderful world.

Initially I laughed, mainly because I thought it was a joke. However, the more I read, the more worried I became. I began to question myself.

You can judge for yourself. Here’s what the “experts” said you should look out for when mixing with friends and co-workers. Obviously if you spot these traits in family members then in all likelihood that means you are too are an alien because you are related to them.

(1) Aliens wear weird clothes.

As I told you in my previous post, I am not a willing follower of fashion at all and if it weren’t for Mrs PM then I am unsure exactly what clothes I would wear. Fashion, in my humble opinion, is a personal thing; if somebody wants to dress in strange attire then they should be allowed to do so without anybody mocking them in any way whatsoever. Everybody everywhere tells me what to wear. When I go to work, I have to wear either a shirt or polo shirt and smart trousers (apart from Friday when I can wear jeans). When a customer appears I have to wear a suit and a tie. I’ve always questioned why this is. At weddings I also have to wear a suit, as I do at funerals and similar gatherings. Why can’t I wear a bright green T-shirt with red polka dots and a fluorescent yellow kilt at a wedding? I would love to do it, just to see the reaction.

VERDICT: Alien

(2) Aliens have strange eating habits.

The suggestion by the experts is that aliens may eat in a bizarre way. For example:

An alien might eat fish and chips out of a newspaper. A lot of British people do this and by the time you’ve finished the chips, your hands are as black as coal.

Aliens might be tempted to dip a sandwich in a cup of coffee before eating it.

Curious aliens may eat a tablespoon of ginger powder thinking it tastes like ginger snap biscuits. Of course, the direct consequence of that is that they will run around like a lunatic screaming “MY MOUTH IS ON FIRE!!!!” for approximately three days.

Stupid aliens may ask a kebab shop proprietor if they can try a chilli while waiting to be served. Of course, when they eat the chilli they will undoubtedly mutate into a gibbering wreck, begging the laughing kebab salesman for something (anything) to take the pain away, while the other customers fall about on the floor laughing at the red-eyed banshee screaming for water.

Drunk aliens may take huge bites out of a chunk of cheese on a pub crawl thinking that beer and cheddar are a wonderful combination.

Sweet toothed aliens may eat sugar directly from the sugar bag

On their 21st birthdays, aliens might pour a bottle of vodka into an electric kettle and then drink it neat from the spout in front of their laughing friends.

As children, aliens might pour pop onto a table at a wedding and then lick it off.

I’ve done all of the above at various points in my life.

VERDICT: Alien.

(3) Aliens have a peculiar sense of humour.

Oh dear! I have a weird imagination and therefore it follows that I have a crazy sense of humour. I laugh at stupid things. I laugh at things that are deemed “unfunny” by the faceless elite.

In the past, for example, I have howled with laughter at the Queen’s Speech on Christmas Day in front of family members who are royalists. It didn’t go down too well. I still regard the Queen’s Speech as a joke to this day and refuse to watch it if I can get away with it.

A few years ago, I was watching Her Majesty’s address in front of a my ex-wife’s aunt who loves the Queen. Things didn’t start too well when auntie said “I love hearing what she’s got to say” and I replied:

“She will say “My subjects are poor and I’m rich – rich beyond my wildest dreams; rich, Rich RICH!!!! I’m loaded! I’m so rich I could buy Barbados! What a minute – I think I might already OWN Barbados!” "

Auntie glared at me and I lost control. I had a fit of hysterical laughter and family members stared at me in disbelief with thoughts of medieval torture in their minds. When the Queen started speaking I thought I was going to burst. And then she said

“1992 is not a year on which I shall look back with undiluted pleasure. In the words of one of my more sympathetic correspondents, it has turned out to be an Annus Horribilis.”

That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Our beloved monarch really had had a bad year, with her sons separating from their wives and Windsor Castle catching fire – but all I heard was the Latin phrase Annus Horribilis. I almost wet my trousers; I almost spilled wine over my shirt. I certainly upset auntie and other family members. In the end, I sat there giggling inanely for the rest of the day as the phrase Annus Horribilis taunted me from within.

VERDICT: Alien.

(4) Aliens keep a handwritten or electronic diary.

I have never kept a diary, probably because it would be full of crap. However, since 2008 I have written all sorts of nonsense on this very blog. Now the question is, do you think this blog provides lots of information that an extra-terrestrial intelligence could use to judge the human race? I think it could. And I hope, as a result of this blog, an alien hunter comes down and captures some of the celebrities I’ve mentioned (like Simon Cowell, Jeremy Kyle, Paris Hilton etc.) for an alien zoo.

In fact, perhaps this blog is a set of secret instructions for aliens. Perhaps I really am an alien spy and posts about cats, bad hair, rock music, celebrities I hate, ranting, my lack of understanding of the female sex (well over half of the human race) etc. are being used for an alien invasion of the planet.

VERDICT: Alien.

(5) Aliens misuse everyday items.

The example given is an alien may “paint his nails with tippex” or something idiotic like that. Here are some examples of items I have possibly misused:

Using a Madonna CD as a Frisbee.

Using a screwdriver to unblock the toilet.

Using a kettle as a drinking implement (as mentioned above).

VERDICT: Alien.

(6) Aliens constantly ask questions about customs and habits.

I’ve often wondered why certain people do certain things.

Why do people stand on a cold lonely platform in the middle of winter, armed with a notepad and pen so that they can write down the numbers on trains? And what do they do with the numbers at the end of the day?

Why do people dress up in silly costumes with bells around their ankles and dance a stupid dance clacking sticks together, calling their absurd practice “Morris Dancing”? Most people ridicule them yet they persist and carry on making arses of themselves in public.

Why do people go to churches on Sunday morning and spend hours waking up the whole of Britain by ringing the bells endlessly? I don’t want to get up at the crack of dawn on Sunday.

Why do Jehovah’s witnesses refuse to listen to me when I say to them “I am a Roman Catholic and there is no way, absolutely no way that you will convert me to your religion?”. I’ve given up trying to reason with them now and I actually enjoy discussing religion with them. And to be honest, it is rewarding in its own way. I just don’t get them though and I simply can’t understand why they refuse to be told that there is no way I will ever become a Jehovah’s Witness.

Why do people spend Saturday evenings watching shows like “Strictly Come Dancing” and “I’m A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here!”. The cult of celebrity and reality television is a constant source puzzlement to me. I simply can’t understand why a huge percentage of the population of Great Britain settles down to watch this bilge when they could be doing something more constructive like trying to find a life.

Why do people confuse characters in TV shows with the actors who portray them? Seriously, there are people in the world who have done things like send Malcolm McDowell hate mail because the character he played in Star Trek: Generations was responsible for killing Captain Kirk. Note to these people – these characters are ACTORS who are just PRETENDING. The show is NOT real.

VERDICT: Alien.

(7) Aliens often talk to themselves.

Does singing count? I’ve posted before about my unfortunate habit of breaking into song in the most opportune moments (read about it here ).

Moreover, I do tend to speak out loud when thinking about solutions to problems at work: “What in the name of all that is holy is wrong with this code?”

On a number of occasions I will suddenly bellow “YOU ABSOLUTE MORON!!!!” when I realise that I have made a very stupid mistake. I’ve had to reassure work colleagues that I am not talking about them on more than one occasion. Thankfully, these days, people are used to me.

VERDICT: Alien.

(8) Aliens display a change of mood or physical reaction when in the presence of technology.

Being a bit of a geek, I do love to be in the presence of new gadgets and new technology. I would say that 90% of the time, my mood is positive and I am like a child with a new toy, shielding the gadget from anybody else who wants to touch it. I am also one of those idiots who pick up a gadget and naturally assume that I can make it do what it needs to do, without the need to use the manual to decode the functions. That’s a bit weird and I’ve never understood why I do it. It’s possibly because I work with technology and therefore consider myself to be one with the gadget, as if it will somehow present the operating instructions directly into my brain. Like I said – I’m a bloody idiot.

VERDICT: Alien.

(9) Aliens are secretive about their personal life-style and home.

Well, considering the fact that I publish honest nonsense about my thoughts and actions on this very blog, I can hardly be considered secretive. There is, however, a school of thought that considers people like me to have a hidden agenda because I choose to be anonymous on the internet, shielding my inane drivel behind a Gene Simmons style mask of black and white.

My original idea behind the blog was to remain anonymous and keep my identity secret but an ill-chosen challenge to work colleagues put paid to that (read about it here).

I was mortified and disappointed because the idea of writing anonymously had massive appeal. As a result, the style of the blog changed. Nevertheless, nowadays, I actually point people I know in the direction of my blog and my original desire to remain totally anonymous has diminished. And because I am fairly honest about the things I write about I consider myself to be the opposite of secretive.

VERDICT: Maybe not alien.

(10) Aliens are always off work sick.

Phew! I am not a person for taking sick days. In fact I’m the opposite – I’m more likely to go into work ill and then return home when it is clear that I am unfit for work.

The last time I was genuinely off ill was two years ago when I caught a heavy cold and spent two days in bed feeling really sorry for myself. And for any women reading – it was NOT man flu. I was genuinely ill – honestly.

VERDICT: Not alien.

CONCLUSION

As I was writing this post I began to have serious doubts about my beginnings. The first eight characteristics can be viewed as devastating evidence of my unearthly origin. However, thankfully, the last two traits go some way to prove that I am almost certainly not an alien.

I’m slightly disappointed to be honest. When I look at myself in the mirror first thing in the morning I see a blurred reflection staring back at me and for a second I sometimes think – “Wait a minute – that is definitely NOT human!”

And then I think of all the other so-called humans on this planet and reconsider. I mean, take a look at this picture of Posh Spice and tell me she’s human.

So what do you think? Am I an alien? Moreover - are you?