Aliens Are Coming

I’ve discussed a few realistic ways in which the world could end so I think now it is time to get a little silly and talk about some of the more crazy things that people believe about the end of humanity.

Let’s start with something that is close to my heart: alien invasion.

I love science fiction, particularly involving aliens (the stranger the better) and avidly watch TV programmes and movies featuring weird and wonderful creatures from another planet blowing Earth to smithereens with maximum prejudice.

My favourite book is “The War of the Worlds” by H.G.Wells, just to reiterate this.

What a total geek I am.

I don’t care.

The big question for people like me is: do such aliens actually exist?

In my opinion there are some people living on this planet that may actually be alien – they certainly resemble stereotypical extra-terrestrials. I don’t want to fuel any conspiracy theories but there are some odd people walking about. Could these people be the initial wave of invaders, sent here to prepare the way for the army of monsters to follow? Could they be sent to initiate control so that when the invaders arrive we are subjugated with minimum resistance?

It’s possible when you think about it. Shape-shifting aliens could already be here conquering us passively by making themselves celebrities and gathering vast armies of fans  having already hypnotised the most gullible amongst us so that only those immune to their charms will have to be conquered.

How else do you explain Oprah Winfrey and Lady Ga-Ga?

Such aliens would also want to know everything about us. Consider how people love to post every intimate detail about themselves on social media with no worries at all about the consequences of their actions. Imagine an alien (or aliens) possessing all of this information about us?

Step forward Mark Zuckerberg with Facebook.

Seriously, though, there are lots of famous people who believe in the existence of extra-terrestrials. The late great Professor Stephen Hawking, one of the most intelligent people ever to have lived often spoke about what would happen if human beings were to encounter aliens. He wasn’t very positive about the possibility. He said two things that interest me:

“Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonize whatever planets they could reach. Who knows what the limits would be?” 

“Meeting an advanced civilization could be like Native Americans encountering Columbus. That didn’t turn out so well.”

That’s kind of scary, isn’t it?

If you think about it, there are countless trillions upon countless trillions of planets out there in our universe. How arrogant are non-believers in thinking that we are the only intelligent life form in the entire universe?

Yet at the same time there is the Fermi Paradox. Enrico Fermi, a famous physicist, stated that given the age and size of the universe and the trillions of planets out there, then it stands to reason that some form of intelligent life must have managed by now to use technology to create spaceships that can traverse vast distances and visit, and possibly conquer, most if not all of the known universe.

So where is everybody? Where are these aliens? Hence the paradox.

Of course, Fermi’s question might be answered by alien believers who, joking aside, are convinced that aliens really have landed on Earth and are walking amongst us. If you look on YouTube you will find thousands of videos ranging from aliens caught on camera to UFO’s whizzing about in our skies. Also, there are others who think that we have already been invaded and that the so-called ruling elite are in fact alien shape-shifters controlling us all.

I knew it! Donald Trump is an alien! That explains a lot.

Realistically though, if there are belligerent aliens out there, then surely it would have been easier to invade centuries ago before we developed the technology to fight back. An alien invasion fleet would have encountered little resistance from Neanderthals, ancient Greeks, Romans, medieval peasants and even early twentieth century people.

The “War of the Worlds” story illustrates just that – the army of Martians in H.G.Wells’ book wiped out a large percentage of nineteenth century England with little or no effort.

There is additional speculation that humanity is in fact an alien race and that we ourselves were planted here to populate the planet after the dinosaurs were wiped out. When you think about it, it is possible that we were deposited here as a primitive colony all those centuries ago.

I like the idea that perhaps you and I, are aliens who successfully conquered Earth.

It explains a lot.

Am I An Alien?

I think that I might be an alien.

I was browsing the internet, you know, that amazing source of all human knowledge, when I came across an article that listed the traits, suggested by “experts”, that you, as a human being, should look out for when trying to spot an alien visitor to the shores of our wonderful world.

Initially I laughed, mainly because I thought it was a joke. However, the more I read, the more worried I became. I began to question myself.

You can judge for yourself. Here’s what the “experts” said you should look out for when mixing with friends and co-workers. Obviously if you spot these traits in family members then in all likelihood that means you are too are an alien because you are related to them.

(1) Aliens wear weird clothes.

As I told you in my previous post, I am not a willing follower of fashion at all and if it weren’t for Mrs PM then I am unsure exactly what clothes I would wear. Fashion, in my humble opinion, is a personal thing; if somebody wants to dress in strange attire then they should be allowed to do so without anybody mocking them in any way whatsoever. Everybody everywhere tells me what to wear. When I go to work, I have to wear either a shirt or polo shirt and smart trousers (apart from Friday when I can wear jeans). When a customer appears I have to wear a suit and a tie. I’ve always questioned why this is. At weddings I also have to wear a suit, as I do at funerals and similar gatherings. Why can’t I wear a bright green T-shirt with red polka dots and a fluorescent yellow kilt at a wedding? I would love to do it, just to see the reaction.

VERDICT: Alien

(2) Aliens have strange eating habits.

The suggestion by the experts is that aliens may eat in a bizarre way. For example:

An alien might eat fish and chips out of a newspaper. A lot of British people do this and by the time you’ve finished the chips, your hands are as black as coal.

Aliens might be tempted to dip a sandwich in a cup of coffee before eating it.

Curious aliens may eat a tablespoon of ginger powder thinking it tastes like ginger snap biscuits. Of course, the direct consequence of that is that they will run around like a lunatic screaming “MY MOUTH IS ON FIRE!!!!” for approximately three days.

Stupid aliens may ask a kebab shop proprietor if they can try a chilli while waiting to be served. Of course, when they eat the chilli they will undoubtedly mutate into a gibbering wreck, begging the laughing kebab salesman for something (anything) to take the pain away, while the other customers fall about on the floor laughing at the red-eyed banshee screaming for water.

Drunk aliens may take huge bites out of a chunk of cheese on a pub crawl thinking that beer and cheddar are a wonderful combination.

Sweet toothed aliens may eat sugar directly from the sugar bag

On their 21st birthdays, aliens might pour a bottle of vodka into an electric kettle and then drink it neat from the spout in front of their laughing friends.

As children, aliens might pour pop onto a table at a wedding and then lick it off.

I’ve done all of the above at various points in my life.

VERDICT: Alien.

(3) Aliens have a peculiar sense of humour.

Oh dear! I have a weird imagination and therefore it follows that I have a crazy sense of humour. I laugh at stupid things. I laugh at things that are deemed “unfunny” by the faceless elite.

In the past, for example, I have howled with laughter at the Queen’s Speech on Christmas Day in front of family members who are royalists. It didn’t go down too well. I still regard the Queen’s Speech as a joke to this day and refuse to watch it if I can get away with it.

A few years ago, I was watching Her Majesty’s address in front of a my ex-wife’s aunt who loves the Queen. Things didn’t start too well when auntie said “I love hearing what she’s got to say” and I replied:

“She will say “My subjects are poor and I’m rich – rich beyond my wildest dreams; rich, Rich RICH!!!! I’m loaded! I’m so rich I could buy Barbados! What a minute – I think I might already OWN Barbados!” "

Auntie glared at me and I lost control. I had a fit of hysterical laughter and family members stared at me in disbelief with thoughts of medieval torture in their minds. When the Queen started speaking I thought I was going to burst. And then she said

“1992 is not a year on which I shall look back with undiluted pleasure. In the words of one of my more sympathetic correspondents, it has turned out to be an Annus Horribilis.”

That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Our beloved monarch really had had a bad year, with her sons separating from their wives and Windsor Castle catching fire – but all I heard was the Latin phrase Annus Horribilis. I almost wet my trousers; I almost spilled wine over my shirt. I certainly upset auntie and other family members. In the end, I sat there giggling inanely for the rest of the day as the phrase Annus Horribilis taunted me from within.

VERDICT: Alien.

(4) Aliens keep a handwritten or electronic diary.

I have never kept a diary, probably because it would be full of crap. However, since 2008 I have written all sorts of nonsense on this very blog. Now the question is, do you think this blog provides lots of information that an extra-terrestrial intelligence could use to judge the human race? I think it could. And I hope, as a result of this blog, an alien hunter comes down and captures some of the celebrities I’ve mentioned (like Simon Cowell, Jeremy Kyle, Paris Hilton etc.) for an alien zoo.

In fact, perhaps this blog is a set of secret instructions for aliens. Perhaps I really am an alien spy and posts about cats, bad hair, rock music, celebrities I hate, ranting, my lack of understanding of the female sex (well over half of the human race) etc. are being used for an alien invasion of the planet.

VERDICT: Alien.

(5) Aliens misuse everyday items.

The example given is an alien may “paint his nails with tippex” or something idiotic like that. Here are some examples of items I have possibly misused:

Using a Madonna CD as a Frisbee.

Using a screwdriver to unblock the toilet.

Using a kettle as a drinking implement (as mentioned above).

VERDICT: Alien.

(6) Aliens constantly ask questions about customs and habits.

I’ve often wondered why certain people do certain things.

Why do people stand on a cold lonely platform in the middle of winter, armed with a notepad and pen so that they can write down the numbers on trains? And what do they do with the numbers at the end of the day?

Why do people dress up in silly costumes with bells around their ankles and dance a stupid dance clacking sticks together, calling their absurd practice “Morris Dancing”? Most people ridicule them yet they persist and carry on making arses of themselves in public.

Why do people go to churches on Sunday morning and spend hours waking up the whole of Britain by ringing the bells endlessly? I don’t want to get up at the crack of dawn on Sunday.

Why do Jehovah’s witnesses refuse to listen to me when I say to them “I am a Roman Catholic and there is no way, absolutely no way that you will convert me to your religion?”. I’ve given up trying to reason with them now and I actually enjoy discussing religion with them. And to be honest, it is rewarding in its own way. I just don’t get them though and I simply can’t understand why they refuse to be told that there is no way I will ever become a Jehovah’s Witness.

Why do people spend Saturday evenings watching shows like “Strictly Come Dancing” and “I’m A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here!”. The cult of celebrity and reality television is a constant source puzzlement to me. I simply can’t understand why a huge percentage of the population of Great Britain settles down to watch this bilge when they could be doing something more constructive like trying to find a life.

Why do people confuse characters in TV shows with the actors who portray them? Seriously, there are people in the world who have done things like send Malcolm McDowell hate mail because the character he played in Star Trek: Generations was responsible for killing Captain Kirk. Note to these people – these characters are ACTORS who are just PRETENDING. The show is NOT real.

VERDICT: Alien.

(7) Aliens often talk to themselves.

Does singing count? I’ve posted before about my unfortunate habit of breaking into song in the most opportune moments (read about it here ).

Moreover, I do tend to speak out loud when thinking about solutions to problems at work: “What in the name of all that is holy is wrong with this code?”

On a number of occasions I will suddenly bellow “YOU ABSOLUTE MORON!!!!” when I realise that I have made a very stupid mistake. I’ve had to reassure work colleagues that I am not talking about them on more than one occasion. Thankfully, these days, people are used to me.

VERDICT: Alien.

(8) Aliens display a change of mood or physical reaction when in the presence of technology.

Being a bit of a geek, I do love to be in the presence of new gadgets and new technology. I would say that 90% of the time, my mood is positive and I am like a child with a new toy, shielding the gadget from anybody else who wants to touch it. I am also one of those idiots who pick up a gadget and naturally assume that I can make it do what it needs to do, without the need to use the manual to decode the functions. That’s a bit weird and I’ve never understood why I do it. It’s possibly because I work with technology and therefore consider myself to be one with the gadget, as if it will somehow present the operating instructions directly into my brain. Like I said – I’m a bloody idiot.

VERDICT: Alien.

(9) Aliens are secretive about their personal life-style and home.

Well, considering the fact that I publish honest nonsense about my thoughts and actions on this very blog, I can hardly be considered secretive. There is, however, a school of thought that considers people like me to have a hidden agenda because I choose to be anonymous on the internet, shielding my inane drivel behind a Gene Simmons style mask of black and white.

My original idea behind the blog was to remain anonymous and keep my identity secret but an ill-chosen challenge to work colleagues put paid to that (read about it here).

I was mortified and disappointed because the idea of writing anonymously had massive appeal. As a result, the style of the blog changed. Nevertheless, nowadays, I actually point people I know in the direction of my blog and my original desire to remain totally anonymous has diminished. And because I am fairly honest about the things I write about I consider myself to be the opposite of secretive.

VERDICT: Maybe not alien.

(10) Aliens are always off work sick.

Phew! I am not a person for taking sick days. In fact I’m the opposite – I’m more likely to go into work ill and then return home when it is clear that I am unfit for work.

The last time I was genuinely off ill was two years ago when I caught a heavy cold and spent two days in bed feeling really sorry for myself. And for any women reading – it was NOT man flu. I was genuinely ill – honestly.

VERDICT: Not alien.

CONCLUSION

As I was writing this post I began to have serious doubts about my beginnings. The first eight characteristics can be viewed as devastating evidence of my unearthly origin. However, thankfully, the last two traits go some way to prove that I am almost certainly not an alien.

I’m slightly disappointed to be honest. When I look at myself in the mirror first thing in the morning I see a blurred reflection staring back at me and for a second I sometimes think – “Wait a minute – that is definitely NOT human!”

And then I think of all the other so-called humans on this planet and reconsider. I mean, take a look at this picture of Posh Spice and tell me she’s human.

So what do you think? Am I an alien? Moreover - are you?

Alien Cliches

I have discovered something incredible: aliens exist. And what’s more, they are frequent visitors to our planet.

How did I discover this fact? I watched a few TV shows and films. And for those of you who do not watch science fiction films or TV shows, here’s what I have discovered.

Most aliens speak English with an American accent. You can guarantee that if you encounter an alien speaking English with a British accent then you will be killed because he is an evil alien.

Aliens use clichés. In order to settle into our environment, they always use colloquialisms.

The only place on Earth ever invaded is the United States of America. Aliens are completely unaware of any country outside America. The leader of the entire planet is the President Of The United States Of America who makes unilateral decisions “on behalf of all mankind”. That makes me feel safe here in Manchester.

All aliens of the same race wear the same uniform. This helps us to identify them because they are all humanoid in appearance, that is, they are about the same height, build, shape and have the same hairstyles as us. Nevertheless, we need to be on guard. Some aliens have cranial ridges and funny teeth. Klingons and Ferengi are a prime example of this natural deviation.

Earth computers are one hundred percent compatible with all alien computers. In Independence Day the aliens were defeated by a computer virus. We “gave it a cold”. Don’t you just marvel at our ingenuity?

We can procreate with aliens. I’ve always wondered why Captain Kirk in particular had an almost overwhelming desire to kiss as many green coloured alien females as he possibly could.

Aliens are highly advanced technically but fundamentally stupid. How else do you explain Independence Day?

Aliens come to Earth to save us or to kill us. There is no other reason.

The home planets of the aliens that visit Earth are either exactly the same as Earth in terms of climate and atmospheric composition or are about to explode due to a cataclysmic natural disaster or nuclear war.

Alien soldiers are useless at shooting. They tend have sophisticated weaponry eons in advance of our own but cannot shoot straight to save their lives.

When aliens die, they vanish without a trace or turn into a puddle of green goo.

Alien females use the same cosmetics as Human females. Do they really have L’Oreal lipstick on Vulcan?

Aliens come from planets whose name contains no vowels, like “Qyzyrks”

Those aliens that are not humanoid are killing machines that bleed acid and have about seven million teeth distributed around four separate embedded mouths. Avoid these (or just look for a woman called “Ripley”).

Humans are fundamentally flawed but the aliens are purely logical. However, in the end we always taint them with our impurity and feel better for it.

Most aliens are telepathic or empathic - yet we still defeat them somehow.

Alien food is edible by humans. For example, Klingon food that is still alive can be readily consumed by members of Starfleet.

Aliens can kill humans and then become them.

No matter how wonderful an alien culture is, human culture is always better.

Evil humanoid alien men are brutally ugly. Evil alien humanoid women are drop dead gorgeous.

Alien spaceships can always be repaired by human engineers.

I hope that helps, especially if you live in America. Your country is in far more danger than anybody else’s. Still, you needn’t worry; the President will always save the day. Just don’t send any of them here.

Aliens In Manchester?

We have aliens in Manchester and I’m not talking about certain members of the cast of Coronation Street.

Our local newspaper, The South Manchester Reporter, reported that a couple living in Northenden, just a couple of miles from where I live, filmed a bunch of lights in the sky on Saturday 12th July at around 10:40. Apparently there were other witnesses to the event. You can see the footage of their video here.

Being a closet sci-fi buff myself, I would love it if tangible evidence for the existence of aliens existed. Sadly, the best we have is shaky video footage that shows the odd light here or there. I’m not suggesting for a second that the witnesses in Northenden didn’t see anything; the problem is that under the circumstances, it would be difficult to get a clear picture of what they actually saw. There have been many famous films showing UFOs from all over the world but experts and sceptics alike dismiss them simply because we simply cannot see what the witnesses themselves saw. Most of the time, the UFOs appear at night, which to me makes perfect sense. If aliens wanted to reconnoitre our planet, why would they do so during daylight hours when the sun is high in the sky and every intelligent life form below can actually see them?

Despite my wish for alien evidence, I am in reality a sceptic myself. Thinking about this logically, if there are aliens out there, do you not think that they would have made their presence known by now? If there are extraterrestrial creatures out there with the technology to construct huge flying saucers that can move at incredible and impossible velocities (as witnesses have testified) do you really think that there would be evidence somewhere on Earth that they have visited?

I’m with Enrico Fermi on this. Enrico Fermi is a physicist who came up with the “Fermi Paradox” which basically states “if there are aliens out there, where are they?”

As a race, we live here on our little world in perfect harmony with other life forms. We exist and dwell on one tiny planet out of billions in the universe. What are the chances that there is another world somewhere out there, inhabited by other intelligent beings who have developed technologically? The basis of the Fermi Paradox is that given the sheer magnitude and age of our universe, surely there must be many technologically advanced species out there. The only problem is that there is literally no evidence to support it. Nobody can prove that they have seen any evidence of intelligent aliens. We have received no radio transmissions that originate from intelligent life forms. Furthermore, despite the supposed plethora of alien sightings on Earth and the number of alien spaceships that have whizzed past stunned observers in the middle of the night, there is not one shred of evidence to support the existence of aliens on Earth. There are no artefacts. There are no alien footprints. Aliens haven’t disposed of their waste products in the countryside. We have never found a dead alien. I ask again, as did Enrico Fermi; where the hell are they?

I would love to be wrong. I watch science fiction shows and films and envelop myself in the mysticism of these alien worlds and beings created purely from the imagination of talented authors and film makers. If an alien space ship landed in Cheshire I would be in my car like a shot to get great photos.

As for the Northenden sighting; I wish I had seen it myself. I’m sure the UFOs must have flown over my house on their way home. I would have liked to have been able to judge with my own two eyes rather than seeing home videos.

Never mind. Maybe aliens do exist and have done a pretty good job of disguising themselves. There are one or two celebrities who sometimes make me wonder …