Myths About Britain - Debunked (Part Two)

In my last post, I talked about some misunderstandings regarding the United Kingdom and what it is like to be a British person as well of some things that people from other countries get wrong. I have some more to talk about today.

Our Beer is Warm

In Britain, there are so many beers that I could barely begin to even start naming them. We have several different types such as Bitter, India Pale Ale (or IPA), Mild and Stout. Each country within the UK has variations and beers that are specific to that country. We also have lager and lots of beers imported from other countries. 

You can enter most pubs in the UK and get a variety of these so the choice is incredible. There is a lot of regional variation based on local breweries. For example in Stockport, a town that is not too far away from Manchester, we have Robinson’s brewery so we have a few pubs in Manchester that are owned by that brewery and specialise in the various different beers from that brewery. Sometimes we get beers from other parts of the country too, for example from London. 

Many micro-breweries exist too and their beer appears in various pubs that like to offer “Guest Beers”, meaning that on any given day there will be a couple of beers that are only on offer for a short amount of time. 

The truth about our beer being supposedly warm is that it isn’t (well – sort of). Most beers are stored in the cellar whose temperature is controlled and you will normally find it served at about 10 °C (about 50 °F) but there can be variations depending on the season. For example, in the winter all beer is cold but in the summer it may seem to be a little warmer. That said, if you order a pint of lager it is always served cold no matter what the season is. 

In the colder months, I tend to drink Bitter or IPA but when the weather warms up I drift towards lager, usually continental offerings from Germany, Belgium, Spain, France or Italy. I have been known to drink any beer depending on the mood. 

To summarise, I can understand why, say, somebody visiting from Europe or the USA may find some of our own beers a little warmer than they expect it to be. But really, it isn’t. 

British Weather is Terrible

British people love to talk about the weather. Why? Because you cannot guarantee one hundred percent what it is going to be like, even when you have seen the weather forecast for that day. I remember once on one extreme day, I saw sunshine and then rain, followed by a freak hailstorm and then a thunderstorm. By the end of the day the weather had returned to a semblance of normality when the sun came out again. This was in June.

This all doesn’t mean that the weather in the UK is terrible. We just get a massive variation but we don’t get extremes like hurricanes, tornadoes or extreme cold or heat. 

In winter the weather is generally not good. We get lots of rain, usually some snow at times and also a fair share of sunny days. However, the temperature usually ranges from about -5 °C (23 °F) to a mild 10 °C (50 °F). We don’t get the extreme cold that they get in Russia for example. I recall being in Moscow when the temperature was -25 °C (-13 °F) and there was so much snow that there were mountains of it piled up on the side of the road. 

In spring and autumn the weather is genuinely quite mild and pleasant. We do get quite a lot of rain though and I am guessing this is where the “terrible weather” slur comes from. The summers are usually very pleasant with temperatures in Manchester rising up to 30 °C (86 °F) although it often gets a few degrees higher. The hottest temperature we have had in Manchester is 38 °C (100 °F) although it was even hotter in London. Again we don’t have the extremes of the Middle East where I experienced 46 °C (115 °F) in Muscat, Oman. 

The one thing I will say is that it could rain at any time – yet still we have droughts too. British weather is annoying sometimes but it is not terrible compared to some places in the world.

The United Kingdom is Boring

Whenever I’ve heard somebody say that the UK is a boring place, that person has never set foot on our islands. I have been to many varied and fascinating countries in the world and each one in its own way is interesting and full of adventure. And I think that sentiment also applies to my own country. 

The one complaint I hear most is the weather (see the previous point) but there is plenty to do and the UK is a friendly place full of people who are willing to talk to you and help you to enjoy yourself. We have an amazing history (if not a bit horrible at times) and thousands of cultural icons to enjoy. We have thousands of miles of coastline and four (count them – FOUR) countries all of which have their own culture and outlook on life. 

We have our fair of eccentric pastimes, eccentric people and some weird perspectives on life but these add to the charm. We are hilarious as a nation and boast some of the funniest people in the world. We are masters of self-deprecation and find humour in most situations. We have some of the greatest actors in the world and our music is legendary worldwide. 

There is a huge list of things that were invented by people from the UK including the world’s first stored program digital computer which was designed and built here in Manchester. We also were the pioneers of the Internet as well as inventing things like the hydraulic press, ATM, toothbrush, fire extinguishers, stainless steel,  steam engine, turbo-jet engine, telescope, hovercraft, lawnmower, light bulb, railway, the telephone and many more. 

We have always been amazing, interesting and we still are. We know how to entertain and also have fun, as you will discover if you spend time in a pub. 

We are definitely not boring.

All We Drink is Tea

I must admit that I am drinking a cup of tea as I type this. Nevertheless, I do drink coffee too. In fact at work, most people I worked with were coffee drinkers rather than tea. 

Tea is very popular here, probably more popular than it is in any other country with the possible exception of China and India and if you go to visit people here, one of the first things that will happen is that you will be offered a cup of tea. We have tea shops but we also have coffee shops too. 

I think this is merely a stereotype and I am being a little hypocritical because I do love a cup of tea (or a cuppa). 

British People are Reserved

Many people think that British people are reserved and we face adversity with our “stiff upper lips”. The myth is that we are polite and don’t show our true feelings preferring to hide behind a façade of stoicism and courage when confronted by something that is difficult or unpleasant. 

I think those old war movies have something to do with this particular myth. When you watch British officers and soldiers going into battle, they show no fear, are very polite and say things like “For King and Country” before marching off to certain death with no fear and a determination that they will “take out as many of the bastards as I can” before “returning to Blighty for a cup of tea and cakes”. In the case of Americans, they charge in looking angry and screaming their war cries while waving their flags and trying to put the fear of God into whoever is facing them. 

Here's a parody that illustrates what I am talking about from Monty Python.

The upper classes may have that old British War movie outlook on life but the rest of us don’t. In fact the vast majority of us are amazing and funny people and a lot of us are not reserved at all. We mock each other and ourselves and a lot of the time it’s hilarious. In fact, the further away from London north you go, and certainly the further north, the friendlier the people, as illustrated by this spoof news report:

Every British Person Loves the Royal Family

The Royal family are divisive in the UK. There are certain people who absolutely adore them and hang on every word they say. For such people every single story involving them is a must read and any word said against them is tantamount to treason. These people are fuelled by tabloid newspapers who themselves adore certain members of the family but don’t like others. The darlings of the Royal family at the moment are William and Kate. Nothing bad is ever written about them and Royalists worship them.

Yet William’s brother, Harry, is seen as a pariah, perhaps because he married Meghan Markle who rarely gets a kind word written about her. 

I try my best to ignore the Royal family, apart from the odd rant when a story about them is the number one item on the news. To me, a story about Kate turning up at a school is totally and utterly irrelevant. I couldn’t care less. But when such a story is given a higher priority than, say, the economy being in trouble, I get annoyed. To me they are just celebrities but with the difference that they don’t have any talent at all. They are just very rich.

It’s a bit of a cult in my view. I have nothing against them as people at all but I simply do not care one jot about them. As a nation we are divided into three camps; Royalist who love the Royal family (apart from Harry and Meghan and of course Andrew), people like me who don’t give a toss about them and then people who despise them. 

In the latter category, I used to work with a guy who called them all “parasites”. I can understand that view, although I don’t share it.

As you can see, we do not all love the Royal family at all. 

And finally …

I hope this has cleared up a few myths about Britain and British people and provided a fresh insight into the antics of the place I call home.

Peculiarly Platinum

 

The UK is a peculiar place at the best of times but this weekend it is crazier than ever. 

In the past we have stupidly voted ourselves out of the EU and also elected a clown/scarecrow hybrid as our Prime Minister but at the moment, we are spending a hell of a lot of money to celebrate the fact that a 96 year old woman has reigned over us for 70 years. 

We have been given two extra days off to go mad – and some people have been doing just that.

Yes, it’s that time again in the UK where we can forget the fallout from the pandemic, the cost of living crisis that is making a lot of people struggle and insteead we can spend tons of money on a four day party to celebrate the 70th anniversary of a woman called Elizabeth Windsor ascending to the throne. 

Some people in the UK go absolutely bananas about royal festivals such as this and we’ve had our fair share of them over the past few years, with her golden and diamond jubilees and a couple of royal weddings thrown in for good measure.

Watching television at this time is absolutely dreadful. We become so jingoistic that I struggle to believe it. Every street has a Union Jack flapping in the wind and some pubs are covered in bunting to remind us all that we are British and eccentric.

So far I have largely managed to avoid the excessive coverage of the events, some of which Elizabeth cannot attend because, at the age of 96, she is feeling her age. She was out and about on Thursday for the ceremonial nonsense that she has to endure but she felt “uncomfortable” so she is missing the remaining events and her eldest son, the next king, will be attending as her representative. His name is Charles Windsor and he is an odd fellow but people seem to like him.

Now you are probably reading this and thinking that I don’t like the royal family. You would be wrong; I simply don’t care about them and if it were up to me I would just pay them off and let them live in peace and quiet somewhere, allowing them to escape the constant attention of the press under the proviso that I never have to hear about any of them ever again.

I know people who love them (they are called “royalists”) and these people become over-excited whenever a royal event like this happens. These are the people who dress up in Union Jack clothes, gush about the family saying things like “Oh aren’t they just WONDERFUL”. 

Such people queue up for days on the Mall in London just to catch a glimpse of Elizabeth and her family. If you ever see one of them being interviewed on TV, it is quite funny – and sad – to see them fawning in a sycophantic way that makes me want to throw up in a bucket. These people line up for days outside hospital waiting for a royal birth and then gush about the event as if the child were related to them.

Elizabeth is arguably the most famous person in the world and probably one of the richest. My feelings for her are the same feelings I have for any other 96 year old woman. She has done really well to still be compos mentis and mobile at her advanced age, and she has been on the throne for so long that I have never known another monarch. I guess that will change soon and we will see another bout of madness as royalists mourn her loss. 

I don’t wish her ill but I have to say I just don’t get it. I don’t understand why people seem to worship Elizabeth and her family. Some fellow Brits reading this might agree with me but I reckon that royalists will pour scorn on my words, even though I have not actually said anything bad. Why I should feel subservient to a woman who is where she is because of what she born is beyond me. I have no desire to ever meet her or any of here family and if I did I wouldn’t bow or prostrate myself in front of her. I would not call her “Your Majesty” or “Ma’am” and I may even ask her if she minded being called Liz or Betty.

The good thing about this mad weekend is that British people love a party and we have taken advantage of the time off work to meet family and friends and raise a glass to ourselves, rather than the monarch. Also, our lying clown/scarecrow hybrid of a Prime Minister was roundly booed when he arrived at a service yesterday – which shows me that the moron is as unpopular as ever, especially having lied to the British public so consistently over his period in office.

Anyway – there are still two days left of this craziness and it will hopefully be back to normality on Monday morning and we won’t have to listen to lots of old twaddle from royalists – well maybe we’ll still have to endure some of it I guess – it never really goes away. 

Anyway – for those of you who haven’t seen anything, here is a taste of the madness that has engulfed my country over the past day or two.

The Queen (Elizabeth To Her Mates)

I have nothing against the Queen.

I prefer to think of her as a celebrity called Elizabeth Windsor, who happens to have inherited a lot of wealth and whose job it is to draw tourists into the country and place the United Kingdom into the limelight worldwide.

And that works for me.

My own personality type is such that I have a big problem with anybody who claims to be my better. I am certain there are really talented people out there in the big wide world who are better than me in some ways – I accept that. But these people are not worthy of me bowing to them or addressing them in such a way that makes me subservient to them.

And that goes for the Queen.

Don’t get me wrong; I would gladly go to Buckingham Palace and spend the afternoon sitting down with her and other members of the royal family, chatting about life, the universe and everything over afternoon tea.

I would not bow to her, though and I would want not refer to her as “ma’am”, “Your Royal Highness” or any other such terms.

I would call her “Elizabeth”. After all – that is her name is it not?

Elizabeth is Queen because she happened to be the daughter of King George VI, a man who himself was son of a previous King. And so it has been for centuries. She’s done nothing special – not really.

She is not better than me. She is just a person. I do not regard her as my ruler.

She is just a fellow Brit.

I have found the Diamond Jubilee celebrations a bit of a paradox; I like the idea that we should highlight the United Kingdom and show off to the world and all of the patriotism that goes with it, seeing people waving the Union Jack and celebrating everything that is British.

On the other hand, the focus of those celebrations is Elizabeth. The reason we are celebrating is because she has ruled for 60 years; we have been subservient to this woman for 60 years.

Elizabeth has been Queen all of my life. I have seen her face on stamps, coins and bank notes ever since I can remember. Hardly a day has gone by in my entire life when she hasn’t been in the newspapers, on television or brought to my attention in some other way.

It’s almost like she is a member of MY family.

Of course in real terms, she is a figurehead, these days. She has no real power, other than ceremonial and traditional. It’s not like, say, Tudor times, when a tyrant like Henry VIII ruled with a rod of iron.

Imagine living in England during the reign of Henry VIII? If he were to read any blog posts criticising the monarchy from the likes of a plebeian like me, I would find a number of royal soldiers on the doorstep of my hovel whose sole purpose would be to butcher me in the most painful way possible for being arrogant enough to dare to challenge the King’s right to rule me.

Thank goodness I live in the 21st century.

I can now tell everyone my feelings without fear of reprisal.

I have watched bits of the jubilee celebrations with mixed feelings. It’s great to see people celebrating Britain but I cringe with all the sycophancy that accompanies it. All news stations are biased, perhaps understandably so, and actually don’t tell the full story.

For example, with the camera on the Queen’s face, the commentator said something like:

“I’ve never seen the Queen looking happier; she is thoroughly enjoying this.” 

What I saw was the Queen looking quite stern, clearly not smiling – in fact she was grimacing at the rain that was threatening to ruin the spectacle of the flotilla of boats on the Thames.

And then the interviews with royalist spectators;

“Oh she’s WONDERFUL! I LOVE her; she’s done a magnificent job for 60 years. Long may she reign over us.”

And that sums up the problem for me. The Queen is the original “celebrity” for me, a person who shows up at various functions, cuts ribbons, makes the odd speech, smiles and waves, tells us all about what she thinks at Christmas and has her face on our currency.

I recently visited the Tower of London and saw the Crown Jewels and was kind of shocked at the opulence. Elizabeth is so wealthy, so utterly rich that it is almost obscene. She has done nothing to earn that wealth other than be born into it.

People like to remark about how the royal family do so much for charity but they could sell one of the crowns and then use the money to feed the starving in Africa – or even help the needy in their own country.

When I see people fawning over royalty, I see the same undeserving adulation as people who claim to love people like Katie Price and Kerry Katona.

As I said, I don’t hate the Queen at all; she was born into the role she has and she is obliged by the system to sit comfortably within that role until she dies or decides that she’s had enough, when it will all be handed over to her son Prince Charles.

What I am not comfortable with is the actual role itself and the concept of the monarchy in general. Maybe it is the anarchist within me; maybe it is the rebel who wants all men to be equal.

Power corrupts and people who have such power generally abuse it in some way. History is full of examples of this and my own country has an absolutely horrific history. Imagine Henry VIII on the throne now.

I’m not saying that the Queen would ever consider being such a tyrant. But I am willing to bet that in a conversation between us, she would not be even vaguely interested in my life – simply because she would regard me as such an insignificant person.

I, on the other hand, would be very interested in her life. I would love to spend a couple of hours listening to her true thoughts on the monarchy, the lives of ordinary people in Britain and so on.

You may think that this is not a worthy post for such a celebration of Britain but I don’t care really. As far as I am concerned, Elizabeth has fulfilled her role very well and will undoubtedly smash the record set by Queen Victoria to become the longest reigning monarch in UK history. In that respect she will have had to have endured the role and all it entails for longer than any of her ancestors.

And she probably deserves some recognition for that.

Well done Elizabeth.

A Very British Post (Part One)

Today, I came across an article that discussed the traits of British people, those items that are typically British and the various stereotypes and icons that foreigners consider to be quintessentially British. Intrigued by this, I decided to dedicate a couple of posts to this very subject. The first is about the people (of which I am a prime specimen).

On my foreign travels I have met many people who have fixed ideas about what it means to be British. Some people have the opinion that Britain is a bizarre place full of eccentrics; others think that we moan a lot; still more think that we are so reserved that the expression on our face never changes.

Here is a list of some of the traits of British people according to some foreigners:

Bad teeth: apparently there is a school of thought, possibly originating in America, that we have odd, misshapen, crooked, yellow teeth that stick out of our mouths like those of a tiger shark. I am aware that Mike Myers depicted Austin Powers to have dreadful teeth in his three hit movies but in reality our teeth aren’t that bad. From a personal point of view, I visit the dentist every six months for a thorough check up and usually come away without requiring any treatment. I have to admit that compared to our American counterparts, though, perhaps our teeth aren’t perfect. You seldom see a “Hollywood” smile in Britain, where people have a row of perfectly sized, even teeth that are so white you need sunglasses to look at them.

Obsession with the weather: I believe this to be true. Usually, the opening manoeuvre in a conversation is to talk about the weather. Why? Well my own personal opinion is that the weather in the British Isles is so changeable that you cannot guarantee what it will be like at any time during the day, even in the summer. This is one of the reasons I am so annoyed when I see a weather forecast in the morning. Carol Kirkwood will tell me, on BBC Breakfast news, that we should have a warm sunny day. So I leave the house without a coat or an umbrella and I can almost guarantee that I will be caught in a spontaneous, localised freak rain shower that drenches me from head to toe. And this is not just in Manchester either. Once I experienced all four seasons in one day. I went for a walk in May a few years ago and when I set off, the weather was beautiful. Within hours it was raining and then suddenly I was hit with a freak hailstorm. An hour later it was sunny again. This is typical of our weather is also the reason we talk about it all the time.

Obsession with the royal family: The royal family, for me, are merely figureheads and there are two key schools of thought as far as they are concerned. First there are those who love them and are utterly obsessed with them. Second, there are those who regard them as obsolete and want them to stand down. I am somewhere in between. Personally. I am not interested in anything that they say or do; to me they are just self-important celebrities who mean nothing. I wouldn’t care if the Queen’s head was removed from postage stamps for example. I never watch the Queen’s speech on Christmas Day because she is so divorced from reality that everything she says is irrelevant. Still, those that love them do so with gusto. As soon as there is a royal wedding the whole nation comes to a standstill and we all get out our flags and wave – well the royalists do anyway. I just go about my daily life as usual.

Politeness and being reserved: Foreign people see British people as both polite and reserved and to a certain extent this is true. As a nation we are not brash or pushy and we do like to say “please” and “thank you”. Where this comes from I don’t know. You can guarantee that if we have a grievance, we will generally address it politely and will not explode in a tsunami of arrogance and rage – there are exceptions of course. The only problem I see with the “reserved” tag is that we are perceived as being unfriendly, which is far from the truth. I feel that British people tend not to want to intrude and impose on other people’s lives. Personally I don’t care. I am reserved to a certain degree (unless I’ve had too much beer) and am a very friendly chap.

Stiff upper lip: In a similar way to being reserved, we are regarded as being devoid of emotion, i.e. we have the ability to maintain a “stiff upper lip” in the face of adversity. To be honest, I regard this as hogwash. Maybe in the past it was a desirable skill but in today’s times this “stiff upper lip” mentality is probably only encouraged in royalty and the military. That said, most British men will never admit to crying. I do, but only when caught out by a surprise ending in a film. I have been known to leave a cinema, pretending to “have something in my eyes”.

Queuing: I was surprised by this because people queue in other countries. We are perceived as a nation who will happily stand in a queue for hours and despise people who attempt to push in (like Germans for example). If you ever see a queue abroad and notice British people in that queue, just for a laugh try to push in. You will certainly hear these people moan and very politely direct you to the rear of the queue. However, if you approach politely and ask to push in, you may be lucky. From a personal point of view, I despise queuing and will endeavour to do my very best to push in – or simply avoid them.

Humour, irony and self-deprecation: We love to laugh at ourselves and put ourselves down and we are very good at it. In my opinion, we are the funniest people in the world, so funny in fact that a lot of foreigners just don’t get it. Take Monty Python for example. There are British people who do not like Monty Python, but the majority of us do – and we understand why it is so funny. On my first trip to America, we were staying with a family in New Jersey. As soon as I walked through the door, I was cornered by the head of the family who said: “Before we eat I want to know two things. First, why is Monty Python funny? Second, what the hell is cricket?” I struggled to answer both questions but the most difficult was why Monty Python was funny. To me it just is. Take the “Argument Clinic” sketch for example:




Now I find this hilarious. Do you? If you do, then you “get it”. And what about irony? For example, there is a feeling in Britain that Americans just don’t understand it. I came across this on the web recently:

SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY - Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony. "It was weird," Fullmer said, "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "great weather, eh?" and I thought "wait a minute, no way is it great weather." Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.

Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future. "I'm like using it all the time," he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them to sh*t and I said, 'Hey, great weather!'"

Here are some examples of British humour from some of my favourite shows:



















I’m sure you will agree – very funny.

Finally, I would just like to ask any non-British people reading this post what they think are the traits of British people (be nice, please).

I will return with a post about British food.