Stop Feeling Guilty

Today I’m going to talk about a subject that really irks me and has made me rant a lot over the years.

The idea comes from a comedian called Dave Gorman, a very funny and clever man. On his latest show, called “Modern Life Is Goodish”, he discusses the term "guilty pleasure”, used by just about everybody, myself included, to describe something that you really like but that you feel guilty about. In fact, I have written a couple of posts about my own musical guilty pleasures that took some doing because, in it, I mentioned songs that I felt embarrassed about. These songs are in my musical collection and I love them, despite people laughing at me or deriding me because of them.

I’ve also discussed the pseudo-intellectual, a person who mocks people like me for not appreciating high-brow items across a variety of disciplines. These people utter complete bullshit and show faux-emotion with feigned enthusiasm about their subject matter, dismissing normal everyday folks for being too thick to appreciate where they are coming from.

There are lots of examples.

Imagine a conversation between such a person (PS) and myself.

PS: I’m currently reading “Dystopian Attitudes To Philosophy” by the renowned philosopher Archibald St-John-Smythe, a professor of applied philosophy at Oxford University. It was reviewed very positively in The Sunday Times last week by the acclaimed critic Theodore Rymplethrope. It is a fascinated read. What are you currently reading?

PM: I’m reading “Alien Immortal”, a science fiction novel by Dirk Prawn. It’s not well known and is about an alien invasion in the near future just when …

PS: Let me stop you right there. That’s your guilty pleasure. It has to be because otherwise you would be ashamed to admit to reading cheap nonsense like that! You need to challenge yourself cerebrally and a cheesy sci-fi novel is no way to do that!

PM: Pardon?

PS: St-John-Smythe discusses the possibility of the existence of an alternative reality, where we are canine beings being held captive as pets by super-intelligent felines and the relevance of this alternate concept to the thought paradigms … Where are you going?

PM: To read my cheesy science fiction book. It’s more interesting than talking to you.

Do you see what I mean? There are certain people who deem themselves to be far superior to the likes of me who say that I should be utterly ashamed about my choice of book, movie or music, my hobbies, the art I like to look at and my lifestyle choices.

If it has not been positively reviewed by a well-respected critic in a high brow newspaper then it is simply a guilty pleasure that you should feel ashamed about admitting to loving.

These are the kind of people who will read anything by Salman Rushdie and criticise those of who don’t as beneath molluscs on the evolutionary scale. They try to make me feel guilty about reading a cheesy horror story over a book that is critically acclaimed by a famous book critic.

I started a Salman Rushdie book once then put it down - it was absolutely dreadful.

These people try to make me feel guilty about choosing to watch a Superhero movie over an Oscar-winning snooze-fest.

They try to make me feel guilty about choosing to watch The Big Bang Theory over a documentary about the evolution of contemporary art in Western Europe in the 20th century.

They simply cannot understand why I would choose to buy a progressive metal CD instead of a critically acclaimed CD by a singer-songwriter that gets a five star review in a high brow newspaper and is advertised on television as “the greatest album you will hear this year”.

I say this; never ever answer the question “what is your guilty pleasure?” with anything other than:

“I don’t have any guilty pleasures!”

The truth is they are simply “pleasures” and there is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

Why should you feel guilty?

Is it possibly because you are effectively admitting to being guilty of dumbing down and are too ashamed to admit that you are an avid fan of the latest soap opera and much prefer it to a critically acclaimed series about how opera music changed the style of classic music in the last two hundred years?

It is nobody’s business but my own whether I choose to “dumb down” and watch tacky television.

I like what I like and I don’t care whether it is considered stupid, immature or dreadful by the pseudo-intellectual or those who think they are superior in some way to us all.

By way of research, I just asked Mr Google to tell me about “guilty pleasures” and one of the first things I found was an article with the title “Celebrity Guilty Pleasures Prove Stars Are Just Like Us!”

How dare they? How bloody DARE they imply that so-called celebrities are somehow above the rest of us. It’s almost as if the tabloids and newspapers are implying that in order to evolve, you need to become famous. And when you are famous, the way you connect with the plebeian class (i.e. the rest of us) is by letting your guard down and admitting that you have guilty pleasures in common with them.

One of the so-called celebrities actually surprised me with his answer to the question. It was Russell Brand. He said:

 “I don’t have guilty pleasures. If something gives you pleasure, don’t feel guilty about it as long as you’re not harming anybody else!”

I totally agree with that.

To summarise, dear reader, my message to you is this:

Stop feeling guilty!

Guilty Pleasures (Part Two)

Its confession time again, dear reader.

I feel that I can now exorcise those demons within that force me to like songs by artists whose very countenance makes me physically ill. Actually, that’s not quite true because some of the artists are quite good in their own peculiar way.

So, without further ado, I present to you another selection of songs that people may think are well off my radar because they don’t sail in the sea of rock.

To be honest, one or two of the artists below should be locked up in a massive space ship and propelled to the furthest reaches of the galaxy to avoid contaminating my ears any longer – yet each one has produced one gem amongst their portfolio of musical manure and that, dear reader, is probably enough to save them.

It is time for part two of my GUILTY PLEASURES and yet another opportunity for me to embarrass myself for your reading displeasure.

Republica – Ready To Go

To be honest, I would never condemn Republica to an eternity in a space ship because deep down I actually like them, so much so that I own two albums by them. This song is an absolute gem and I love it. And yes, you have guessed it, I have strutted my funky stuff to it in front of a lot of strangers and a very ashamed Mrs PM. Besides, the singer, Saffron, floats my boat.

The Tubes – White Punks On Dope

Don’t ask me why but I love this tune. I’ve not heard anything else by the band - perhaps I should explore their back catalogue. The song is funny, controversial, weird and punky enough to sit comfortably within my musical taste. If you get the chance, have a look for a live performance of this song by the band on YouTube – the lead singer is a sight to behold.

Hazel O’Connor – Will You?

I am sorry to confess that this is another song that brings the odd tear to my eye. The song comes from a film called Breaking Glass from the late 1970’s, which was not that good but featured one or two good songs, including the excellent (if not a little odd) Eighth Day (also by Hazel O’Connor).

The Smiths – How Soon Is Now

The Smiths remain one of the most overrated bands of the past few decades and I stand by that statement. I am often criticised for this view by people who regard them as legendary. I simply don’t get them at all. Nevertheless, How Soon Is Now is a great song, which leads me to believe that there was a modicum of talent in there somewhere.

I have one claim to fame as far as The Smiths are concerned.

My eldest son was being christened at the same time as another little baby girl. We had to turn up at the church the day before the ceremony to talk about where we were meant to stand, what to say and all of the other nonsense that goes with such pomp. I met the father of the baby girl and spent a good fifteen minutes chatting to him. He told me that he was a musician but didn’t elaborate.

He was Mike Joyce, the drummer of the Smiths. I only discovered who he was a couple of months after the ceremony.

I probably wouldn’t have told him that the bands’ music was dull and uninspiring – but I would have been thinking it.

The J Geils Band – Centrefold

I apologise in advance for this one. When it was released it annoyed the hell out of a lot of my friends and I didn’t admit that I liked it for a long time for fear of being ridiculed mercilessly. I don’t know why I like it – I just do. It’s catchy and fun – even though some might say it is totally irritating.

Yello – The Race

My (ex) wife W hated The Race, particularly when I sang along with it and hummed along to the tune. I used to play this song over and over again. I absolutely loved it – I still do.

I’m attacking the illusion but the stopping drives me mad.

T’Pau – Monkey House

Yes – I admit it. I liked T’Pau. Their first album, Bridge of Spies, is a bit of a classic in my view and I won’t hear a word against it. The second album was a disappointment, which was a shame. Monkey House is the best song from the first album – a modest little rocker that packs a nice little punch – and it’s much better than the dreary China In Your Hand.

Ricky Martin – Livin’ La Vida Loca

This is possibly the most dangerous song in the list. I imagine that I will get a lot of stick for admitting that I love this song. I can’t help it. To be honest I am willing to bet that you, dear reader, also secretly love Livin’ La Vida Loca. Come on admit it.

Kylie Minogue – I Can’t Get You Out Of My Head

Actually, I take that back – this song is definitely the most dangerous one on the list.

Kylie Minogue is typical of everything I hate about modern chart music, manufactured by old geezers, like Pete Waterman and Simon Cowell, and targeted at people with no imagination whatsoever. I have spent many hours pontificating about the dreadful state of music and the fact that we are being force fed manufactured bilge on a daily basis.

It may therefore come as a surprise to you that I actually like this song. I am willing to admit that once in a blue moon that such a song might actually be worthy of more than a passing rant.

Besides, Kylie looks quite tasty in the video.

Mark Ronson – God Put a Smile Upon Your Face

The original version of this song by Coldplay is one of my favourite pop songs in recent years. Mrs PM bought Mark Ronson’s album of covers and I dismissed it as novelty pap. She played the CD and this song popped out immediately. I had to eat my words because it is a different and very enjoyable version of a classic pop song.

Primal Scream – Rocks

I’ve never been a fan of Primal Scream – I’ve always considered them to be overrated. Like the Smiths, however, they have produced the odd little gem, and this song is the best of them.

Primal Scream have staying power – I’ll give them that.

Shakespears Sister – Hello (Turn Your Radio On)

Picture the scene – I have been woken up by a screaming baby at three o’clock in the morning and am desperate to get him to sleep. I have walked around the house with him, talked gently to him but my efforts have been in vain. In a last ditch attempt I sit down and put on a CD. It is Hormonally Yours by Shakepears Sister and belongs to my (ex) wife W. I love this song so I sing it to my screaming son, rocking him gently. As the words pour forth, he gradually starts to close his eyes and fall asleep. I watch him while still listening to this fabulous song. A tear of joy rolls down my face. And now, almost eighteen years later, a tear is rolling down my cheek as I listen to the song again.

Well that just about wraps it up – for a while at least. I have definitely revealed too much this time.

And I’m still willing to hear your guilty pleasures, dear reader. I won’t tell – honestly!

Come on – you know you want to.

Guilty Pleasures (Part One)

Regular readers of the bilge I write will know that I am a huge fan of heavy metal and that I spit in the face of dreadful music.

I have occasionally been unlucky enough to catch snippets of shows like The X Factor and have been almost at the point of tears, mourning the future of music as a bunch of lame karaoke singers try to perform dreadful versions of awful songs. The audience figures indicate that millions of people watch this appalling programme and these same people contribute to coffers of the producers of the show, making them millionaires as they slowly destroy music.

If I had the power I would change things. Sadly I don’t and it breaks my heart.

Nevertheless, let me get to the point of this post. The attack you have just read was a ranting diversion but it does lead me gently into a confession that shames me.

I curse certain artists and styles of music but there are some songs by these artists that I actually like.

I can almost hear you screaming at the monitor, dear reader:

“You bloody pseudo-Mancunian hypocrite!!! How VERY DARE YOU!!”

I am ashamed. There – I’ve said it. Every fibre of my being screams at me, saying “NO!! Don’t listen to these songs.”

But I can’t help it, dear reader – they are GUILTY PLEASURES.

I am baring my soul here in the hope that I can annihilate this affliction and move on.

Here are 10 songs that, deep down, I actually enjoy. To be fair, I genuinely like some of the artists and they are quite welcome to continue making music with my blessing (though I don’t necessarily promise to like it). However, some of the artists should be sent to prison for crimes against music – that is apart from the songs listed below.

I invite you, dear reader, to click on the links and judge for yourself.

Please take the time to do this and then, if you wish, comment telling me what a musical Nazi I am and that I should just shut up – or alternatively recommend a good therapist.

The B52’s - Love Shack

Actually I wouldn’t condemn The B52’s to eternal punishment for crimes against music - because I like another song by them – the brilliant Rock Lobster . Love Shack gets the nod over Rock Lobster in this list because it brings back lots of memories a drunk Plastic Mancunian strutting his funky stuff on the dance floor in his youth, trying to impress armies of gorgeous young beauties, but only succeeding in scaring all of them off (or rendering them hysterical with laughter).

Robbie Williams – Let Me Entertain You

I detest Take That with a passion. I detest everything they stand for musically. They are one of the progenitors of the “boy band” phenomenon that still infects modern music today. If it weren’t for Take That we wouldn’t have Westlife, Boyzone and other similar vomit-inducing bilge that young girls and grannies hurl their knickers at. However, Robbie Williams has proved to me that members of such bands can produce great music. Let Me Entertain You is a beauty of a song that I absolutely love. It has catapulted Robbie Williams onto my mp3 player along with at least a dozen other songs. Yes, dear reader, I like Robbie Williams – although now he rejoined Take That, I am reconsidering my position.

The Bangles - Walk Like an Egyptian

Yes – I do fancy the Bangles, particularly Susanna Hoffs. That has nothing to do with the reason I love this song though. It is a genuinely fun-packed little tune that pushes the button in my head labelled Don’t Push This Button – It Will Turn Dave Into An Embarrassing Arse! And yes, dear reader, of course I have walked like an Egyptian (much too often).

David Cassidy – How Can I Be Sure?

My younger sister had a major crush on David Cassidy and he became my nemesis in the early 70’s. I hated his music. Every time I saw his face I felt like puking up my guts. This song, however, is a masterpiece and so alien to my musical taste that you probably cannot fathom why I like it. To be honest neither can I. But it’s worse than that – I actually well up when I hear the song – it’s so good. How embarrassing!! My sister would ridicule me mercilessly if she found out. Please don’t tell her. My reputation as a music connoisseur will be shattered. I’m depending on you, dear reader.

Spandau Ballet – Instinction

What the hell does Stealing cake to eat the moon mean? Spandau Ballet remind me of the time at university when a woman vaporised my heart. I still can’t listen to True to this day because of her. Whenever I hear the words, I cringe inwardly and want the ground to swallow me up. For that alone, Spandau Ballet deserve to be roasted in Satan’s hotpot for all of eternity. Nevertheless, Instinction more than makes up for it and that will save them from becoming lunch in Hell. Embarrassingly, at a wedding, in the late 80’s the DJ popped this song on and I did my “Mad Dad” dance to it, prompting people to seriously question my musical taste and my sanity.

The Osmonds – Crazy Horses

Donny Osmond ranked even below David Cassidy in the 70’s. My sister loved him. I hated him. I wanted to break things when I heard his reedy voice warbling Puppy Love. Yet even this musical low life has redeemed himself, simply by having a bunch of brothers who produced one of the classic songs of the 70’s - and even included him in the band. Crazy Horses is a terrific little rocker and I don’t mind admitting that I love it.

Abba – So Long

I would never dream of dismissing Abba. As a child, I loved them and I am openly willing to defend them. Their music doesn’t conform to my taste these days but I simply cannot forget their contribution to my youth. Besides, how could I dream of cursing a band containing the most gorgeous pop star of that decade. I am talking about Agnetha, of course. I had a major, major, major crush on her. Of all the songs they wrote, So Long is by far their best. Purists may once again question my judgement – I don’t care one jot. And just look at the video - very, very nice.

Duran Duran – Ordinary World

In the 80’s my youngest sister was in love with Duran Duran and I claimed that they drove me up the wall. I have to confess that I did secretly like a few of their songs but I would never have admitted it least of all to my sister. It was only later on that I confessed to liking this song in particular. It is a beautiful song and I defy anybody to disagree.

Richard Marx – Hazard

I hate music by singers like Michael Bolton and other purveyors of sentimental AOR bilge and when I heard Richard Marx’s first big single Right Here Waiting For You I despised it with venom. A couple of years later, he released Hazard and I was flabbergasted. It is a beautiful and very sad AOR ballad that I never thought I would like. Lyrically it is wonderful and is yet another song that sadly makes me blub like a baby. Don’t tell anybody.

Well that’s enough for now, dear reader. Tell me your guilty pleasures if you feel up to it. We're bonding here and I feel you can lift a weight off your shoulders.

From my perspective, I must admit that confession really is good for the soul and I have a few more musical guilty pleasures to share with you soon – just as soon as I have recovered from the fact that you now think I like David Cassidy.