A Tale of Two Elizabeths

 

Greetings from South Manchester on a cloudy day with hints of sun and blue sky. 

I am going to answer the usual Sunday Stealing questions (see later) but first I thought that I would talk about two ladies called Elizabeth who have made quite an impact to the UK this week. Apologies in advance for the rambling post – you can skip to the questions if you like.

First, the Queen of the United Kingdom and Commonwealth has died at the age of 96. She was known as Queen Elizabeth II and had a good innings both in terms of her age and also in terms of her reign, being the longest serving monarch in our history. She was on the throne for 70 years celebrating her platinum jubilee earlier this year. She was even working up to two days before her death on Thursday, accepting the resignation of Boris the Clown as Prime Minister and asking his successor to form a government the same day. More about that later.

She has been queen my entire life and it will be odd for us in the UK as now we have a new monarch, her son King Charles III who is king now but will be formally crowned in due course. Our new coins, notes etc. will bear his face and name alongside many other things and the transition will be gradual with many things like post boxes still bearing the ER insignia for a while, I imagine, rather than CR that will come soon.

So what do I think of all this? 

Regular readers know that I am not a royalist at all. With my hand on my heart, all I can say is that I am ambivalent to the Windsor family. I don’t hate them but I don’t love them either. When they appear on the news because one of them tripped up and fallen over in public, I tend to switch it off. To me they are just celebrities, born into the role and not people that I have the remotest interest in, a bit like reality TV stars. I have said that if I had met the queen, or if I ever meet the king, I would not follow etiquette. To me they are just people – not any better or worse than I am.

But now the UK has gone mad. The flagship TV channel BBC 1 has had wall to wall coverage of this news story, shelving all programmes since it happened (including today – Saturday) with 24 hour news about the queen and tribute after tribute from famous people all over the UK as well as politicians and tearful members of the public. There is not one bad word about her or her family. 

Most if not all celebrities and politicians have to praise her, or say how utterly fantastic she was, lest they are alienated and cancelled for saying anything bad or even hinting at any criticism. They are positively falling over each other to express their grief and praise. 

People who have never met her are pontificating all over the news and crying as if she were a member of their own family. 

She was arguably the most famous person in the world but I don’t understand it personally. Royalists reading this may frown at best upon reading these words – others will condemn me. I don’t really care. She was just another person to me – a famous one admittedly – who was a part of British culture. 

She has been part of my life at a distance for my entire 59 years on this island called Great Britain, so as I said above, it will be weird without her on the news all the time but I am not mourning her loss as royalists want me to. I just want the over-the-top coverage to stop now and for us to get on with life. We have enough problems in the UK without having to stop everything for one passing. 

I do hope she rests in peace and my thoughts are with her family but that is all.

Actually, one more thing will change. The National Anthem of the UK is called God Save the Queen. This, and the lyrics, will change to God Save the King. That will take a little getting used to.

This leads me onto the next Elizabeth I want to talk about. 

On Tuesday of this week, Queen Elizabeth II’s last major duty was to finally accept the resignation of the King of Clowns, Boris Johnson. Good riddance to the incompetent buffoon who was the worst Prime Minister that we have had in my lifetime (and possibly ever). His replacement is the second Elizabeth in this post – Elizabeth “Liz” Truss, the third female Prime Minister we have ever had. 

To say that Liz Truss is out of touch is a massive understatement. She may not be quite as bad as Boris Johnson (let’s face it – Ronald McDonald would have been a better Prime Minister) but her leadership campaign exposed her as being another bad leader. She already had a massive U-turn and refused to do an in-depth interview with a high profile BBC political journalist saying that “she didn’t have time”. 

The truth is that he probably would have torn her apart.

All she had to do was to convince 140,000 members of her party that she was up to the job – that’s 140,000 people deciding the future Prime Minister. I think that if a Prime Minister resigns, we should have a General Election because Liz Truss basically told this elite group of people what they wanted to hear.

You may think that I am getting ahead of myself in criticising her but her policies fill me with no confidence and she actually praised her predecessor. 

Anyway – here is a video of what we might have to suffer from her.

God help us!

Okay – now to the questions from Sunday Stealing: 

1. What flavour Popsicle is the best? 

In the UK, we call “popsicles” ice lollies and I used to love one that was around in the 1970’s called an Orange Maid – it is apparently still around today though I haven’t had one for about forty years. These days I tend to eat chocolate covered ice cream lollies called Magnum. Delicious.

2. Do you have a DVR feature with your cable? 

I have Sky TV which comes with a box capable of recording any program on any channel. What I tend to do is record entire series and watch them at my leisure and at the moment there is a lot of stuff to watch, including movies, documentaries, gigs and normal TV series. It’s so easy to use.

3. How many drawers does your dresser have? 

We have a couple of dressers scattered about the house. Two have four drawers and the biggest one in the second bedroom has six drawers (but is largely used to store non-clothing items.

4. Is your closet a mess? 

We don’t have a closet as such, just a cupboard under the stairs. Is it a mess? Partly. When you open the door you see some stuff on the floor like the vacuum cleaner and other similar household bits and pieces and some shelves that are neat and tidy containing all manner of files and books. To the left we hang coats but at the back it is a bit of a mess – mainly because it is difficult to get too. To be honest we should sort it out because we don’t actually know what is in there.

5. Have you ever solved a Rubik's Cube? 

I have never owned a Rubik’s cube even when everybody else seemed to have one. I have had a go at them but ultimately it would have wasted too much of my time, so I guess the answer is no.

6. Describe your favourite pair of pajama pants: 

We call them pyjamas in the UK – pronounced the same but spelt slightly differently, just like all of the American spellings I usually correct when answering these questions. We also call them jim-jams (well I do anyway because I am weird).

I just bought some new ones actually as winter is approaching. They are officially called “leisure wear” but I use them as pyjamas. One is black and the other a dark blue. Both are very nice and very comfy.

7. What colour is your wallet? 

My wallet is black. I like black wallets.

8. Do you find flea markets and thrift shops enjoyable? 

I don’t find shopping enjoyable so I am hardly likely to favour flea markets and thrift shops above any others.

9. Have you met amazing people online? 

I’ve met one fellow blogger once, a very sweet and funny Australian lady called Kath who has moved to Geneva, Switzerland. I caught up with her when I was working there. She actually wrote about the experience. You can read it here. 

I would be quite happy to meet other bloggers. 

10. Would you be happy if I coloured a picture for you? 

Sure – why not?

11. What show do you think 'made' the 90's? 

For me it was the science fiction epic Babylon 5. I absolutely loved it. I love Star Trek but this is much better (something that almost alienated me from a few die-hard trekkers I know). Here is a taste of what it is like:

Rumour has it that they are rebooting it. That will be amazing if it is true.

12. Are you happier now than you were last year? 

Personally I’m not sure. Certain events have unfolded over the course of the last twelve months both personal and otherwise that have challenged my usual content self. That said, the outlook now is on the up and I feel (hope) that next year will be better.

13. What are you currently drinking?

I am drinking a huge mug of decaffeinated tea. I prefer caffeinated (or full fat) tea but over the past few years I have all but eliminated caffeine from my diet. I feel better for it.

14. Do you trust people easily? 

I approach people positively and I hope that I can trust them but to be honest it depends on the person. I like to think I am a good judge of character and so far my trust has usually been well placed. I tend to avoid toxic and aggressive people although I will always be my usual friendly self, even to them.

15. What are you looking forward to in the next three months?

The first thing is my trip to Greece on Friday. Mrs PM and I are travelling to Zante for a week of relaxation and I can’t wait. 

We have also managed to slip in a weekend to country I have never been to before. Next month we are travelling to Copenhagen in Denmark for a long weekend. I am really looking forward to that because I have heard that the Danes are brilliant people. 

There also may be a university reunion in November, another trip abroad, this time to a city I have visited many time – Amsterdam. If that comes off, I will have been abroad five times this year. 

Of course three months includes Christmas, usually a busy time, and we have a couple of things planned with family and friends that should be good.

Progressive Thoughts - Day 30

Today’s song is another by Canadian power trio Rush, called Cut ToThe Chase.

This is a song about chasing your dreams and ignoring those who try to dissuade you because they think it is a waste of time.

Everybody should have dreams and strive for them, otherwise what is the point of being alive? I truly believe that with a little willpower, it is possible to achieve your ultimate desires; history is full of such people.

Some people choose to be proactive but others simply wait until they are older and add desires to their bucket list when they realise that death is approaching.

I know that death is following me around and while I am doing my best to outrun him, I am relatively content not to create a bucket list of things that I feel I need to do before the Grim Reaper finally impales me on his scythe.

To be honest, I feel it’s now too late to try some of the things I would have attempted as a young man.

Age and sensibility have taken over and, for example, the very idea of hurling myself out of an aircraft with nothing but a huge silk sheet attached to my back with rope does not appeal to me in the slightest.

I might actually have tried it at the age of 20 when my fear of heights was non-existent.

Other features of growing old would simply interfere with such desires.

That’s not to say that I don’t have dreams – I do. But the difference is that I don’t want to achieve them just to cross an entry off a list and boast about my achievement to other people. I don’t want to tell my mates that I swam naked in the Mediterranean Sea for many reasons, not least of all that the mental image of me stumbling into a cold sea showing my fat arse and worse would be something that they would never forgive me for.

An image like that remains etched in the area of the brain marked “OH MY GOD!” for eternity.

Friends' response would almost certainly be a tsunami of verbal abuse that would make Quentin Tarantino run away in shock.

Actually, I realise that I may have given you the same mental image of a strategically shaved ape waddling into the sea, dear reader. I am truly sorry about that.

My dreams are personal ones and a lot of them are ongoing. Additionally, there are some that I haven’t even thought of yet.

I believe that no matter how old you get, you should continue to strive to make yourself happy with achievable and pleasant dreams that you can still manage. Put aside thoughts of having a dangerous liaison with the Angel of Death – you can’t do anything about that but you may bring forward the date if you decided that abseiling down the Eiffel Tower was something you feel like you must do.

What’s wrong with making an effort to be nice to people?

What about travelling?

What about writing that book of your innermost thoughts that your family friends can enjoy after the Grim Reaper carts you away?

All of the above are on my list, as is meeting as many new people as possible (as long as I can rid myself of the Shyness Beast).

Such things are easy, dear reader.

I bet you’re still thinking about a naked ape in the Mediterranean aren’t you?

Funeral Soundtrack

My uncle died earlier this year. He was diagnosed with lung cancer in September last year and given six months to live. With the aid of chemotherapy, he lasted a year, but sadly, the treatment took its toll and while it prolonged his life, he suffered badly as a result.

In the end, his condition was so bad that his immediate family regarded his passing as a blessing.

He was 68 years old and his name was Paul.

What I found amazing about him was the way he dealt with his condition. I went to visit him and I found a man who was surprisingly cheerful and even joked about his appearance and the treatment. He was very candid about how he felt but, with a smile on his face, he told us how he had remained optimistic. It was clear that he had accepted what was happening to him and the inevitable conclusion.

I was proud of him. He was a very brave man.

His immediate family held him in the highest esteem and effectively had a year to prepare themselves for his eventual loss. When I heard, I called my aunt and cousin to express my condolences and my own pain too and they seemed to be okay but understandably heartbroken.

Mrs PM and I went to funeral where the family turned up and a lot of friends.

Paul was a popular guy and the funeral was very moving.

During the ceremony, his coffin was present with a photograph of him with a cheerful smile that I will remember him by.

I liked Paul a lot.

But one of the main things I remember about the funeral was his choice of songs to play as we all celebrated his life, songs that might just accompany him onto the next phase, if such a phase exists. He chose three songs that he loved – one by Elvis Presley, one by the Beatles and another rock and roll number that I didn’t recognise but was totally upbeat.

Although we were all upset, it kind of made me feel positive in a strange kind of way. I’m too sceptical to believe in an afterlife and, although I am a Catholic, I don’t really buy the idea that we will all go to meet our maker if I’m honest. I realise that if God reads my blog (as he surely must – because he is omnipotent) he may be noting down things I’ve written about Purgatory and Heaven.

He may know that when I openly say “Yes I believe in God”, that in my mind, my own scientific mind is analysing the whole idea of Christianity and thinking “Really?”.

But the whole point to this post is not to dwell on the religious aspects of death; I want to portray the positive undercurrent of the funeral, which, although is a desperately sad occasion, can also be and should also be a celebration of the person’s life.

And what better way to depart than to have people talk about the good things and celebrate his or her life with the music that they loved.

Of course, I realise that being a lover of heavy metal and rock music, some of my choices of the songs to accompany me on my way to the next dimension might be in poor taste but I think I might opt for three songs that were all positive.

In fact, I hope that my demise is a long, long way away – I plan to live forever – and that by then my collection of songs will be so enormous that I will it hard to choose.

I have well over 7000 songs in my collection and I could have gone through the entire lot and spent a month whittling them down to choose three songs to send me off. However, while I love my own music, I decided just to swiftly scan them.

I came up with the following, deliberately rejecting Stairway To Heaven by Led Zeppelin because, as much as I love it, I think it is a little too corny.

So here they are:

Blue Öyster Cult – (Don’t Fear) The Reaper

Okay – I know you may mock me for this choice because it sounds a bit corny, similar to Stairway To Heaven. The difference here is that I genuinely love this song and, while there is a theme of death, I personally think it is very positive, basically seeing, don’t fear death, we can fly and eventually we will all be together again in eternity.

Oh – and I love the guitar solo in the middle of the song.

Journey – Remember Me

I have been known to mock power ballads and AOR, and in the past Journey have been a great target because they personify the essence of what I dislike about this style of slushy, lovey-dovey nonsense. 

Yet, as much as I dislike Journey, they have produced three brilliant songs that I simply cannot mock. Remember Me is one of them – a beautiful piece of music that I wish they had embraced more often. 

The song is about somebody leaving a relationship, but I think that the lyrics apply perfectly to the loss of a loved one. This song would be directed at Mrs PM, but I think that the rest of the funeral congregation might also find meaning. It would effectively my dying wish imploring the people I love not to forget me.

Dream Theater – The Answer Lies Within


This is a beautiful song and while it sounds quite melancholy, once again the lyrics are wonderful and positive. While the last song may have been a little selfish (with me saying “Don’t forget me!”) this song would be my positive final message,  asking my loved ones to carry on and just be as brilliant as I know they can be:

You’ve got the future on your side

You’re gonna be fine now

I know whatever you decide

You’re gonna shine

And finally ...

Well that’s all a bit morbid, isn’t it? I’m sure that if I were to run through my music collection with an impish glint in my eye, I might choose this one – the lyrics are very funny:

I hope God has a sense of humour and forgives me on Judgement Day.

And, Paul, I’ll miss you! Say “Hi” to my Dad for me.

The Decrepit Old Git

Everybody keeps reminding me of my age.

Even I remind myself of my age by doing stupid things.

While I am quite content to be over fifty, there are times when I want to slap people who feel the need to constantly remind me that I am not getting any younger – and that includes myself.

For example, an insurance company (which shall remain nameless) has employed a much-loved British national treasure to try to sell insurance to over fifties. I am, of course, talking about Michael Parkinson, a man who has interviewed many famous people and has a place in the hearts of many older people who look back on his shows with fondness.

In the advert, he uses his past triumphs as an introduction into the most patronising and guilt-inducing pile of verbal diarrhoea that it has been my misfortune to hear, in order to get you to buy insurance – to leave money for your loved ones after you have popped your clogs. His condescending blurb goes something like this:

“I’ve met a gazillion truly remarkable and fantastic people in my lifetime,” he says, “and my brain is full of unbelievably magnificent memories.“

At this point you think, “Bloody show off!”

He continues.

“But if you, a mere peasant, want to leave your family much more than just happy memories of your existence on this rock that circles the sun, perhaps you can buy this insurance policy. It doesn’t ask for a medical so even if you are a decrepit old walrus on your last legs, you will be accepted. It will enable you, a mere pauper compared to me, the guaranteed lump sum so that your equally poor family can pay for YOUR funeral – or possibly even swell their pathetic bank accounts because you will almost certainly not have saved enough money.”

And the final insult?

“You will get a free welcome gift.” 

The gifts are a little telly, a tiny camcorder, the cheapest Satnav on the market or £50 to spend in a famous chain of shops specialising in clothes and gizmos for old people.

Actually, that’s not quite the final insult:

“You get a FREE Parker Pen – just for enquiring.”

And the last kick in the teeth? This plan is aimed at ME – because it is the OVER 50 PLAN.

Such adverts are shown during daytime TV right alongside other adverts offering to get me compensation for being a clumsy great oaf.

Other similar adverts suggest that being over 50 means that I have to go on holidays with old aged pensioners being ferried around a weird country in a coach.

Or I can get over 50’s fashion. I may not be the most fashion conscious person in the world, but at my age, don’t these people think that I don’t know what to wear?

Cheap car insurance – “because after driving around for so long, surely I must be a good driver by now!”

And at work, I am constantly reminded that “stepping on my soapbox and ranting” is a typical trait of an old man “because people get grumpier as they get older”.

I am my own worst enemy.

Having younger friends doesn’t help me. When I am asked to burn the candle at both ends and come out on a night out with youngsters, which involves consuming excessive amounts of alcohol or just plain stupid alcoholic concoctions with ridiculous names, I actually hear myself saying “Nah! I’m too old for that kind of shit!”

I mean who wants to drink a Jaeger Bomb? Don’t answer that question.

I am content with sitting in a pub for a couple of pints and then going home between 9 and 10, not staying out until 3am “downing shots” and drinking myself into a coma.

There might be the odd exception but generally I don’t do anything that is likely to hurt. Two nights out on the trot are a definite no no!

And then there is the forgetfulness. I used to have a great memory – I still do, but I find myself walking into a room with no idea what I walked in there for. I look around like a bewildered goon and actually speak the words: “Now what did I come in here for?”

My failing memory let me down again today, this time at the supermarket. In the past I have chastised Mrs PM for forgetting important stuff like a bunch of bananas. Now to you, a bunch of bananas may not be important but to me, a banana for breakfast is the law.

So please, dear reader, help me to understand why today, I forgot to buy bananas. I have never forgotten to buy bananas.

And tell me why I actually remembered that I had forgotten my bananas (if that makes sense!) when I was almost home?

Another thing a younger work colleague said to me today:

“People become more conservative when they get older, Dave, so by next election you will be voting for Boris Johnson; before long you will be goose-stepping up the office with a funny moustache saying ALL HAIL THE GREAT PLASTIC MANCUNIAN!”

That I don’t believe; I hate Boris Johnson.

But this is the nature of what I have to deal with from my work colleagues who constantly remind me of my age.

I was recently received a long service award – a lovely designer watch that I chose myself.

Was I congratulated? Well – yes – but then the banter started.

“You know, Dave, I was still at school when you started working here.”

“How long have you worked here? I wasn’t even born!”

Well, dear reader, enough is enough!

I am over fifty – so get over it. I am happy and I don’t need anybody to keep reminding me.

Michael Parkinson, you should be ashamed of yourself trying to make people feel guilty about kicking the bucket with insufficient funds get the nicest mahogany coffin that will only get chomped by worms anyway.
I don’t want a Parker pen “just for enquiring!”

And I’ll tell you something else (and I am talking to The Plastic Mancunian himself here!):

STOP TELLING PEOPLE YOU ARE A DECREPIT OLD GIT!

It’s bad enough without being your own worst enemy.

Now then, what did I come into this room for?

Life's Sick Joke

Life is great.

Life is a gift that we should all take full advantage of, something we should grasp with both hands and squeeze as much fun and enjoyment out of before fate decides to whisk it away from us.

However, we all know that there are constraints that stop us from acquiring all of the pleasure and delight that life offers.

I hear a little voice from time to time warning me of the consequences of overindulgence, usually in tabloid newspapers, on the news or in the rhetoric of self-obsessed megalomaniacs who seem to think that life should be lived their way instead of mine.

And of course, there is nature itself that seems to delight in playing one almighty sick joke on the whole of humanity.

It is this latter constraint that I wish to bring to you attention, dear reader (even though you know all about it and will no doubt agree with me).

Mother Nature is a wonderful thing but rules us with a rod of iron, applying all manner of rules that are punishable by curtailing the gift of life.

Here are some examples:

Fatty food is divine. There is nothing more satisfying that waking up in the morning and devouring a full English breakfast of bacon, sausage, egg, black pudding, beans, toast covered in butter, all washed down with a massive cup of strong tea or a potent brain boosting cup of extra strong and delicious coffee.

Yet if I were to have that breakfast every single day of my life, I would grow fat and the dark figure with the scythe would almost certainly call for me a lot earlier than his original plan to. Fat is bad for you, caffeine is bad for you and endless bacon and sausage is bad for you.

The same can be said of burgers and fries washed down with fizzy soft drink. Eating such food on a regular basis will turn you into a huge monster and Mr Death will come calling sooner rather than later. Sugar and fat are simply killers in disguise.

And what about chocolate and cream and monstrous desserts? People love them yet if they overindulge the same thing will happen; they will look like a walking whale with the scythe-carrier marching behind and looking at his watch with a knowing grin on his face.

Smoking and alcohol are the same. There is nothing better than a pint of ale after a tough week but if you choose to take it to excess, you will pickle your vital organs.

You can’t even spend your life sitting in front of your tellybox. Watching too much television, so experts say, dulls the brain and at the same time stops you from exercising to keep your body in shape.

And while exercising helps, keeping Mr Death at bay, you can even fall foul of that if you overdo it.

Thrill seekers who like to hurl themselves off cliffs have the Grim Reaper as a constant companion, waiting for a burst of adrenaline so great that the scariest adventure might result in premature demise.

It’s a sick joke, dear reader.

We should be able to live our life as we want to without Mother Nature stepping in and applying certain rules to it.

“Yes, Mr Mancunian, you can stuff your face with steak every night for the next ten years and wash it down with the finest red wine from France – but it will cost you twenty years of this most precious gift.”

“Yes Mr Mancunian, you can bungee jump off a high bridge in New Zealand but one day that bungee rope might just snap.”

“Of course you can drive a fast car around a track, Dave, but I can’t promise that you will not crash into a wall at high speed.”

But it’s worse than that. Some of these constraints are built into my brain. For example, I want to see as much of the world as I can and this includes the desire to climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower, the Empire State Building and other huge man-made structures, as well as Nature’s own constructs, to see the view and marvel at our beautiful planet.

But in my case, Mother Nature has said:

“Sorry Dave, I’m going to stop you from seeing the whole of Dubai from the top of the Burj Khalifa; you need a fear of heights to limit what you can see of the world.”

It’s not fair.

I’m greedy.

I want it all.

So while life is great, it could be so much better, if Mother Nature cut us some slack and allowed me to indulge in the way I want to.

Sadly, she won’t allow it – and  I, like you, dear reader, am powerless to resist.

I am certain that Mr Reaper is waiting in the wings (at least 200 years in the future with any luck) so now my challenge is to keep him at arm’s length while keeping old Mother Nature happy.

I can do this by indulging my desires – but limiting them.

I can enjoy an English Breakfast every so often, spend the occasional evening watching my tellybox all night, enjoy a pint or three down the pub occasionally and even get some half decent exercise with a daily two mile walk and the occasional six mile hike at the weekend.

Sadly, I think my fear of heights is here to stay so I no longer plan to climb any mountains or man-made structure higher than my own house.

Mother Nature’s henchman might be stalking us all but we should plan to make his life difficult.

Whisking us away may be his raison d’etre but like Mother Nature can play a sick joke on him by keeping him as far away as possible.

The truth is that if you don’t stuff your face with a huge slab of chocolate cake every day, it is certainly more enjoyable when you do allow yourself to have one occasionally.

And when you do, just address Mother Nature and her henchman:

“Screw you! This is MY divine cake and this is my divine day to stuff my face with it.”

That cake will taste so much better, I can assure you.

The Meaning of Life - The Grim Reaper

The fourth part of my mini-series on the meaning of life was going to cover happiness, leaving death until the end. However, Christmas is approaching faster than a speeding Santa so happiness is a fitting topic to finish on.

Sadly this means I have to discuss death now.

Death is a nasty part of life – which is kind of weird really because death means the end of life. Some people become preoccupied with death in the later stages of life and become obsessed with it.

I hope that doesn’t happen to me.

I have faced death in a major way, as regular readers may know, when I watched my father die at the tender age of 44. Obviously that was a traumatic event which time helped to cure. The problem was that because his death was so unexpected and so sudden that it planted a seed of anxiety that lay dormant until I approached the same age.

Reason was cast aside and for a whole year, a part of me expected my own life to come to an abrupt and meaningless end. The feeling was totally irrational and while it didn’t dominate my life, I found my thoughts drifting towards the Grim Reaper more times than I would have hoped for.

My 45th birthday was a great day because to me it meant the end of what I described as the year of death. I felt like I had reached the finish line of a great race.

Looking back now, some seven years later, I have no such fears and I can’t believe the thought ever crossed my mind. Furthermore, I really ought to be worrying about it more because I am older and, realistically, closer to the day when the Grim Reaper comes knocking to collect me.

And I can’t help but wonder why that is.

Death is the inescapable conclusion to life and, unless you have discovered the secret of immortality or are a vampire, it will happen to you.

Why worry about it?

There is no reason.

Life is great and when the time comes, it will come; there is nothing you can do about it.

What’s more, death may not be the end. The premise of most religions is that death is merely a transition to a higher plane of existence – or possibly even the chance to pop back to Earth as another person or another creature.

As a Catholic, I have been indoctrinated by the premise that when I die, I will be judged and, having been a naughty boy (and I have been a naughty boy), I will suffer the consequences in Purgatory before joining the legions of the dead in Heaven in eternal happiness.

I could go to Hell of course and spend the rest of eternity being tortured and tormented by demonic forces. My punishment would almost certainly involve being locked in a cell with Piers Morgan with diabolical pop music blaring out of speakers at a high volume.

Reincarnation seems a reasonable option – if options are available. Wouldn’t it be fantastic to be born again as another person and live another life? Of course, it might already have happened and I may have been a slave in Pompeii, or a jester in the court of Henry VIII or an explorer sailing towards America with Christopher Columbus.

Apparently it is possible to be hypnotised and drift back through your past lives. I am tempted to have a go at this but I am too sceptical and realistically I imagine my “past life” will come from a historical novel I have read or a blockbuster movie.

Other options exist; what about the science fiction concept that death is just a way of entering a new plane of existence? When we shuffle off this mortal coil, do we shed our old bodies and float off into space in an alternative reality?

Or the idea that we all drift off and continue to prevail in death? In the Necroscope series of books, when people die, they exist in a different form and continue their life’s work in death.

Apart from Hell with Piers Morgan, most of the alternatives sound appealing in one way or another.

And being a positive person, I would like to think that there is something more. The scientist within me is very sceptical and informs me that we will simply cease to be. After all, we don’t remember anything from before we were born do we?

I have no memory of anything before October 1962, my birth month. I suspect the reality is that I will return to that emptiness.

But I may be wrong.

Death could be the beginning of a brand new adventure.

Finally, please excuse the morbid tone of this post but people can’t talk about death without some negative overtones.

To cheer you up a bit, here are a couple of funny videos relating to death:

A Real Bucket List (Part 5)

Well, dear reader, this is it; the final part of the Bucket List I stole of an unsuspecting victim on the internet.

I would like to thank that person for providing me with inspiration for a few posts.

And without further ado, here are the final 20 items from the list:

81. Be able to handle: your tax forms, Jehovah's Witnesses, your banker, telephone solicitors.

As said in my “alternative”bucket list, I actually enjoy talking to Jehovah’s Witnesses. The last couple who came to my door were reading extracts from the Bible to convince me that the Big Bang didn’t happen. The quotes had nothing to do with the discussion at all. And I was told that Satan placed the dinosaur fossils to prey on our weaknesses. I had to laugh, but I wasn’t condescending at all. In fact, they left with a smile and said that it was a nice change for somebody to talk to them rather than telling them to piss off. As for bankers and solicitors, that’s more difficult.

82. Give to a charity -- anonymously.

I do that – actually I don’t because the hospice that I donate to every month knows my name. I would rather give it anonymously though and I guess I do when Mrs PM forces me to take my old paperbacks to the charity shop every so often.

83. Lose more money than you can afford at roulette in Vegas.

I am very careful when it comes to gambling and when I was in Las Vegas I was extra careful. Mrs PM had been there a week earlier when she went to a conference and I couldn’t let her go alone. On her first night she won $200 on the roulette and then later, she won some more. I went there prepared to lose a small amount per day and stuck to my limit. Mrs PM on the other hand, because of her wins, managed to come out in the black. Personally, I think gambling is a complete waste of time if you think you can become rich from it because the odds are stacked against you; being a student of statistical analysis I have absolute proof of this. The banker always wins in the long run, whether it is roulette, black jack, poker, one-armed bandits or horse racing. Still, it can be fun if you are careful and are prepared to allow the banker to win a tiny amount. I don’t think I am prepared to lose a large amount of money at roulette anywhere, let alone Vegas.

84. Let someone feed you peeled, seedless grapes.

I will ask Mrs PM to do this on my 50^th birthday later in the year.

85. Kiss the Blarney stone and develop the gift of gab.

I would LOVE to have the gift of the gab on a permanent basis. Sometimes I can be extremely charming and captivating but most of the time I try to hard and end up looking like an arse. If you have the gift of the gab, dear reader, and are willing to give me any tips, then I’m all ears.

86. Fart in a crowded space.

This is one of the easiest things to do. All you need to do is let go of a real stinker and look around horrified, wrinkling your nose in disgust. Try it – it works.

87. Make love on the kitchen floor.

The kitchen floor is made of stone and extremely cold – so the answer is a definite no!

88. Go deep sea fishing and eat your catch.

Does catching a trout in a river in Wales count? Actually, it wasn’t me who caught the trout but a friend of mine. I did cook it and we shared it between four of us – there was hardly any really. I felt quite bad about it but my excuse was that I was only 18 and it seemed like an adventurous thing to do for four young lads staying in a cottage in the middle of nowhere.

89. Create your own web site.

I have done this, dear reader. You are reading it.

90. Visit the Holy Land.

Anything that involves travelling is a definite possibility, even to a place like the Holy Land.

91. Make yourself spend a half-day at a concentration camp and swear never to forget.

I presume by this you mean visit Auschwitz or something like that. To be honest, this is a possibility. As I get older, I am more fascinated by history, particularly evil bastards like Hitler, and I think that visiting a place like this would be as fascinating as it was distressing.

 

92. Run to the top of the Statue of Liberty.

I’ve climbed to the top of the Statue of Liberty but I have a feeling that you can’t do it these days. When I climbed the statue (from the inside I hasten to add) it would have been impossible to run up to the top. To get there, we had to walk up a spiral staircase that was intertwined with another one coming down and it was so crowded, full of fawning Americans, that I would have had to have shoved them out of the way. Basically, I slowly climbed up, walked across the crown, looked out of the tiny windows and then walked back down. It was slightly disappointing but from the outside it looked spectacular.

93. Create your Family Tree.

At the weekend, Mrs PM and I went to a leaving party in Liverpool and were kindly given a lift back from one of her work colleagues. As Mrs PM fell asleep in the back of the car, I chatted to this married couple and he was busy researching his family tree. In fact, the couple were so serious that they had paid money to one of the better known ancestry web sites and actually made a lot of progress. I was slightly inspired to be honest and this might actually become a future hobby, when and if I get fed up of blogging or retire.

94. Catch a ball in the stands of a major league baseball stadium.

The closest I will ever get to doing this is to catch a cricket ball that has been whacked for six by a rampant English batsman. In fact, I am going to see England versus the West Indies towards the end of May in Nottingham – so I’ll let you know if I succeed.

95. Make a hole-in-one.

Golf is utter rubbish. Not a chance.

96. Ski a double-black diamond run.

That’s funny. I would have to learn to ski first. Not a hope in hell.

97. Learn to bartend.

I really should have done this when I was younger. It would have opened up a whole world of part time jobs when I was a student. Instead I was a postman or just plain lazy. I guess it’s never too late and if I get sacked or have an “American Beauty” moment, I could give it a go.

98. Run a marathon.

In my youth I could possibly have done this. I used to be in the school cross country team and as I ran and settled into a rhythm, the thought of doing a marathon seemed an achievable goal (although the furthest I ever ran was probably only about 6 miles). I think I’m a little too old now.

99. Look into your child's eyes, see yourself, and smile.

I have looked into the eyes of both of my sons and seen myself. I’ve laughed and cried at the same time because this is such a wonderful experience. My sons will probably say that they have looked into my eyes, seen themselves and thought “Oh my God! Is THIS what I am going to TURN INTO? AAARRGGHH!!!”

100. Reflect on your greatest weakness, and realize how it is your greatest strength.

I have lots of weaknesses and I know exactly what they are. I don’t really see why or how any of them could be my greatest strength. Perhaps having the openness to talk about them on a blog like this is a strength – but in reality I only do it for cheap laughs.

Well that’s it, dear reader. Once again, please feel free to let me know which of the above items you have achieved.

I am off to Spain on Saturday and can’t wait, so next week will be all quiet on the Plastic Mancunian front.

If I manage to cross any more items off the list I will let you know.

I don’t plan to challenge my fear of heights again though – or my fear of nasty creatures.

A Real Bucket List (Part 4) - and Post Number 400

I’ve just realised that I have reached two blog milestones; I have been blogging for 4 years (well in March anyway) and this is my 400^th post.

I was going to do something special but instead I will just continue with the Bucket List. Besides, I want to complete it before I go to Spain on Saturday and time is running short.

Without further ado, here are items 61 to 80 on the Bucket List I’ve stolen.

61. Go wild in Rio during Carnival.

Rio is on the list of places that Mrs PM are both desperate to visit so this is a definite trip for us to take. I imagine that Rio during Carnival will be expensive and the hotels will be fully booked up and it may be a struggle to get there without some serious planning. Nevertheless, I think this is a genuine trip I want to make before my maker tells me its time for bed.

62. Spend a whole day reading a great novel.

When I am on holiday, I like to explore the local community and wander off exploring. However, I also enjoy sitting by a swimming pool, or on the beach, reading a good book and when I get the opportunity to do so, I grab it with eager arms. Sitting by a pool, watching the stress evaporating, with a bottle of beer by your side and a good book is a great way to spend a lazy day before exploring some more. So yes, I have done this (usually on holiday).

63. Forgive your parents.

I’ve nothing to forgive them for. Job done!

64. Learn to juggle with three balls.

Believe it or not I’ve tried to teach myself to do this on quite a few occasions and failed miserably and spectacularly. It’s bloody difficult - and pointless, when I think about it. I think I’ll give this one a miss.

65. Drive the Autobahn.

Give a flash German Porsche, a bright sunny German day and an Autobahn strangely devoid of traffic and I’m there!

66. Find a job you love.

I’ve been trying to do this for years. There are aspects of my job that I love; problem solving, seeing the fruits of creativity in action and travelling to witness this first hand. But there are so many things that make me furious about my job. One day I will – and this is not something I want to do to fulfil some weird Bucket List fantasy – I want to do it for my own sanity. I am nothing if not optimistic and this particular item is one thing I definitely hope to achieve.

67. Spend Christmas on the beach drinking pina coladas.

If I lived in Australia I would do this every Christmas. Sadly I don’t. Nevertheless, Mrs PM and I are planning to go to a warmer place for a week between Christmas and New Year this year. I might give that a go then.

68. Overcome your fear of failure.

That is easier said than done, my friend. I have come to terms with my limitations over the years but failing still hurts. I am improving and that maybe due to the fact that as I get older I care less about screwing something up.

69. Raft through the Grand Canyon.

I’ve flown over the Grand Canyon in a helicopter and on a scheduled flight from Las Vegas to Atlanta. Does that count?

70. Donate money and put your name on something: a college scholarship, a bench in the park.

I’m not sure why somebody would want to put their name on something like this other than for an ego trip. Am I weird thinking this? Would people really care about a park bench that said “Donated by The Plastic Mancunian” or “The Plastic Mancunian Scholarship”? I would prefer to remain anonymous I think.

71. Buy your own house and then spend time making it into exactly what you want.

I am living this particular dream as I type. We’re almost there.

72. Grow a garden.

I hate gardening. I hate gardening with a passion. From an early age, my dad loved gardening and turned our back garden into a mini farm, growing every vegetable that would survive the weather in Walsall. It was a big job and he needed help – so he enrolled me as his slave. He had me digging, weeding, planting and every other dreadful chore involved in maintaining a garden. I also suffer from hay fever and for one whole month every year I suffer from an unnatural allergy to pollen. If I could find out which pollen it might help but in the UK in June there is so much to choose from. I still don’t know. I will leave the gardening to Mrs PM. She can cross this one off her own list.

73. Spend three months getting your body into optimum shape.

I did that when I was around 39 to 40. We moved into our current house and Mrs PM dragged me to a gym to get fit. I ended up with my own training regime designed by a young muscular bastard who. I’m sure, gave me nasty disciplines to overcome to get rid of the excess fat on my body. It did work and I kept it up for a few months before boredom kicked in. In fact, I think it was about three months and during that time my upper body did change shape. Sadly it has all gone back to the way it was, like a balloon that has all the air replaced with jelly. My limited gym membership was also quite embarrassing at times – you can read about it here. 

74. Drive a convertible with the top down and music blaring.

I will do this – and the music will be good, solid driving rock!

75. Accept yourself for who you are.

I did that a long time ago – and now I spend most of my time blogging about it.

76. Learn to use a microphone and give a speech in public.

I am terrified of public speaking. I am also terrified of heights and regular readers will know that I am an idiot who tries to overcome that fear by climbing unfeasibly high buildings and bridges. It may therefore come as no surprise that I have used a microphone and given a public speech. In fact, I have done it on several occasions in Britain, Switzerland, China, South Africa, America and Russia. You see, as part of my job I have to make the odd presentation and give training courses. Sadly, because it is part of my job, I can’t really refuse – so I bite the bullet and do it. I have (kind of) overcome the fear a little – it still scares me but not as much. You can read about one such episode here. 

77. Scuba dive off Australia's Great Barrier Reef.

Do you know that I had the chance to do this and completely lost my bottle? What is this; a “Tell the world how scared you are” list? I am scared of spiders and insects and jellyfish and Australia has the worst of all of these in the world. Is every creature in Australia poisonous? Suffice it to say that when I heard about box jellyfish and irukandji, my arse went. I refused to put on a stinger suit and dive in the water to become jellyfish lunch. Mrs PM was much braver and I watched Mrs PM snorkelling in perhaps the greatest area of natural beauty in the world, while I stood like an utter coward from the specially sited platform. So, dear reader, here is another post that might interest you which describes the monsters that stopped me from achieving this particular item. 

78. Go up in a hot-air balloon.

Right – this is beyond a joke now. Should I rebadge this, my 400^th post, “I AM A COWARD AND HERE’S WHY?”. No chance – not a chance in HELL. I will never, ever go up in a hot air balloon because I am terrified of heights (sob!).

79. Attend one really huge rock concert.

Now we’re talking. I have attended countless really huge rock concerts. I have seen some of the biggest rock bands and artists on the planet in massive arenas. Here are a few of them: AC/DC, Bruce Springsteen, The Foo Fighters, Metallica, Rush, Whitesnake, Marilyn Manson, Aerosmith, Guns’n’Roses, The Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Alice Cooper, Queen, Rammstein, Def Leppard, Motley Crüe, Nine Inch Nails, Deep Purple, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, and Meat Loaf. And I haven’t finished yet.

80. Kiss someone you've just met on a blind date.

I’ve never been on a blind date but I’ve kissed women I’ve only just met in my youth. Most of the time I got my face slapped. In fact, ALL of the time I got my face slapped. Still, I was a young foolish teenager at the time and stopped doing such stupid things – eventually.

So dear reader, over to you. Are you as big a coward as I am? Have you achieved any of the above 20 items?

A Real Bucket List (Part Three)

I tell you what – this is quite a Bucket List. If you were to decide to try everything on this list you may have to start at the age of 20.

Anyway, continuing with items 41 to 60 (out of 100):

41. Shower in a waterfall.

I haven’t done this but it would be a nice thing to attempt on my next travels should I find a suitable place. I wonder whether I can count getting soaked at Niagara Falls? Standing directly underneath the Horseshoe Falls at Niagara might be a dangerous thing. However, you can get close either by standing at a special viewing platform underneath the falls or sailing on a little boat called “The Maid of the Mist”. I’ve done both and here are a couple of photos to prove it.  I would urge you to try it if you get a chance.

42. Ask for a raise.

Too bloody right! And yes, I have done it. Don’t get me started on this because I may take up the entire post ranting angrily about office politics, incompetence and bloody-minded arrogance.

43. Learn to play a musical instrument with some degree of skill.

I can play the trombone (read about it here ). Well, when I say “play” I last packed the instrument in its case when I was 16 and rebellious and have never attempted to play one since. I wouldn’t mind having a go but it may take me a few months of practice to get to be able to play something meaningful again. I think my favourite piece of music that I managed to play was “In The Hall of the Mountain King” by Edvard Grieg. Here it is done properly:

44. Teach someone illiterate to read.

Does teaching your kids to read count? Actually, I assisted teaching my kids to read rather than actually teaching them myself. Given the opportunity, I would definitely do it though

45. Be one of the first to take a flight on the new Airbus A380.

If I ever decide to fly to Dubai from Manchester I will do this. Earlier this year I flew to Abu Dhabi rather than Dubai because that’s where our friends live. By the time I get to do it again I will not be “one of the first” sadly.

46. Spend a night in a haunted house -- by yourself.

If ghosts exist, I may have actually seen one (read about it here ). I still remain sceptical about the existence of ghosts despite the evidence. If I did see a ghost then I guess, I may actually have done this. However, I wasn’t alone in the house so I guess it doesn’t really count. I’m not sure that I would want to spend the night in a house that was haunted though because although I love horror stories I prefer to read them than experience them first hand. I might consider it if Mrs PM were with me – and a film crew. But the moment that Derek Acorah turned up I would simply punch him in the face for being a charlatan. In fact, that, might be a genuine item to add to a bucket list. Or better still, if ghosts really DO exist, I would come back and haunt Derek Acorah, who I am almost certain has never met or conversed with somebody who has passed over.

47. Write down your personal mission statement, follow it, and revise it from time to time.

I’m not one for mission statements; I find them irritating and full of utter crap. They are just a way for a company, for example, to lie about what they aim to achieve. Mission statements and business bullshit go hand in hand and to even consider doing that on a personal level fills me with anger and irritation. I think its fine for people to have ambitions but to write them down is a little over the top. I mean, I have ambitions but I am realistic enough to know that I may not achieve them. Writing them down won’t make a difference. I know what you are thinking, dear reader – “Wait a minute, you bloody hypocrite! You’ve posted your ambitions on this blog – isn’t that a mission statement of sorts?” I guess some people could see it that way but in reality I am just opening up and letting you know what I want to do. The difference between that and a mission statement is that with the latter I am telling myself and you that I WILL do it – I WILL succeed – I WILL prevail. In reality I probably won’t. It might work for some people – but not for me because at the end when you have failed in your quest, you feel worse. In fact, isn’t a Bucket List a bit like a mission statement in that regard?

48. See a lunar eclipse

I saw a lunar eclipse in Manchester a few years ago along with thousands of other Mancunians. It’s nice to have crossed this off the list.

49. Spend New Year's in an exotic location.

I will achieve that this year. Mrs PM and I are thinking of heading to the Canary Islands for New Year. In the past I have welcomed in the New Year in New York in Times Square, but it was hardly exotic (in that the temperature was -10 °C with a wind chill factor that lowered the temperature even further).

50. Get passionate about a cause and spend time helping it, instead of just thinking about it.

Sadly I haven’t really got the time to get involved with a just cause; life is too complicated at the moment. I am not ruling out the possibility of doing this in the future though. We’ll just have to see what happens.

51. Experience weightlessness.

If that involves leaving the Earth’s atmosphere, you can forget it. I know that it is possible to achieve this in an aircraft but it doesn’t really appeal to me that much.

52. Sing a great song in front of an audience.

Does karaoke count? And do ten people count as an audience? I vowed never to inflict my voice on the general public (though I have done accidentally in the past – read about ithere ) and was very reluctant to do so at a party in London. Sadly, I had had a couple of beers and “Smoke on the Water” was available for me to destroy – so I did. Actually, it didn’t go down that badly. I could never stand in front of a vast audience and sing though; the humiliation would be unbearable.

53. Ask someone you've only just met to go on a date.

I have always been too shy to do this and thankfully at the moment there is no need for me to ever consider doing this again.

54. Drive across America from coast to coast.

I have driven from coast to coast in Florida but I am guessing that the author means driving from the West Coast to the East Coast (for example Los Angeles to New York). I would definitely consider this if I won the lottery; on my round the world trip, when I reach San Francisco, I will hire a car and drive to New York. You heard it here first – and that is NOT a mission statement – I may change my mind.

55. Make a complete and utter fool of yourself.

I’ve been making a complete and utter fool of myself almost religiously for the past 40 or so years. And there is plenty of scope to do this in future too.

56. Own one very expensive but absolutely wonderful business suit.

Why? Why bother? Your normal everyday off the rack business suit is perfectly fine for most occasions. I guess, when Her Majesty decides to knight me for services to blogging I might consider it – but only if I have won the lottery and can afford to go to Saville Row and spend an obscene amount of cash on a pointless garment.

57. Write your will.

I’ve done that. It’s upstairs.

58. Sleep under the stars.

I did that in Portugal in 1984. We arrived in Vila Real de Santo António in Portugal to catch a ferry to Ayamonte in Spain. Sadly, we arrived at around 2am and the ferry had closed for the night. We had nowhere to stay so we found a small area with benches where we could sleep. I remember looking up at the stars as I tried to get comfortable and while it was not the best place to sleep, it was pleasant enough. I woke up at dawn (as I am a very light sleeper) leaving my travelling companions snoring away as curious locals walked past with a smile, and watched the sun rise over Spain across the Guadina river. Another item crossed off the list methinks.

59. Take a ride on the highest roller coaster in the country.

When I was younger, I used to love roller coasters. However, in 1989, I rode one in Los Angeles that destroyed my confidence. I was visibly shaking when I stumbled off it and I have only ever been on the odd one since. I will cheat a little here because I rode the biggest roller coaster at the time in England (before they built “The Big One” in Blackpool); it was at Alton Towers. A cheat, I suppose, but at the time it was a valid claim.

60. Learn how to complain effectively -- and do it!

Mrs PM and I went to Thailand a couple of years ago and flew with Air France. On the way back, we arrived totally jet-lagged in Paris at around 5am, hoping to get an easy connection to Manchester only to find that Air France pilots had gone on strike and our flight was cancelled. We managed to get a flight back at around 5pm which meant spending hours at Charles de Gaulle airport. We were so tired that we really didn’t want to go into Paris (we had been there a few time anyway). We arrived back in Manchester totally exhausted and our baggage was delayed, just to give us an extra kick in the teeth. I was livid. I immediately wrote an email to Air France, expressing my disgust and asked as my final question, what they were going to do about it “before I took it further”. I received a reply a few days later and Air France had offered us free flights worth a couple of hundred Euros. We used them to visit Boston in the US, the following year. I was delighted and proud that I had complained and will definitely do it again.

Once more, dear reader – have you managed to achieve any of the above items?

A Real Bucket List (Part Two)

In my last post, I gave you my thoughts on the first 20 items of a Bucket List (read it here).

Here are the next 20 items.

21. Be a member of the audience in a TV show.

I’m not really sure that I want to do this unless it is a genuinely good show. The older of my two sisters, Julie, has done this and she said that it was a dreadful experience. The show was a comedy light entertainment show and it kept stopping and starting over and over again. And it wasn’t actually funny at all; it was one of those dreadful Saturday night shows that I hate, so I could see why she didn’t like it. I think I might just ignore this one.

22. Put your name down to be a passenger on the first tourist shuttle to the moon.

No way. No chance. You have not got a hope in hell of getting me inside a metal shuttle that will be shot towards the moon at high velocity. If I were able to put aside the immense explosion that is necessary to combat Earth’s gravity as well as the intense heat, I would struggle to ignore the fact that in space, there is no air whatsoever – none at all. There is just too much scope for meeting Death sooner. I would actually love to see planet Earth from space but being blasted into space is something I am simply not prepared to do.

23. Send a message in a bottle.

If ever I get shipwrecked on a desert island, I will do this – providing that there is a bottle, some paper, something to write with and, of course, a lid for the bottle.

24. Ride a camel into the desert.

I saw a camel in the desert on the road between Abu Dhabi and Dubai earlier this year. If I get the chance to go back to the Middle East I might actually try to do this.

25. Get to know your neighbours.

I have always got to know my neighbours in every house I’ve lived in. To me it seems like a natural thing to do, particularly now, as I live in a terraced house. To be honest this is a strange item for a Bucket List – a bit like “talk to a person”. Obviously the person who wrote it lived in a cave in the middle of nowhere and getting to know his neighbours involved trekking for miles.

26. Plant a tree.

II have planted quite a few bits of foliage over the years, ranging from flowers to vegetables. At some point I must have planted a tree; I can say with certainty that Mrs PM has done this because she planted a cherry tree in our back garden a couple of years ago. I can take a little credit because although I didn’t do the deed, I was with her when she bought it and actually loaded it into the car. With a little bit of cheek, therefore, I can cross this one off the list, I feel.

27. Learn not to say yes when you really mean no.

I’m getting better at this. The problem is that I am quite a nice guy (I don’t want to blow my own trumpet too much) and sometimes I allow people to abuse my good nature. Furthermore, I have a tendency to exaggerate my own ability to complete a task, resulting in my agreeing to do things that I really shouldn’t do. As I get older, though, I am less inclined to please people for the sake of it and I am more aware of my limitations. I will probably manage this just two seconds before I shuffle off this mortal coil.

28. Write a fan letter to your all-time favourite hero or heroine.

I have been sorely tempted to do this since the advent of Twitter. In fact, I have tweeted Joe Satriani, complimenting him on his last album (within 140 characters of course). I also left a comment on the official Rush website quite a few years ago, when they were in a hiatus, urging them to come to Manchester when planning their next tour. The did and I went – but Geddy Lee didn’t say “It’s great to be back in Manchester and I’d like to thank Dave the Plastic Mancunian for asking us to play for you tonight”. I still reckon that my little comment helped in some small way, though.

29. Visit the Senate and the House of Representatives to see how Congress really works.

This is obviously written by an American and I have no desire to visit the Senate. I’ve been to Washington DC and seen the White House and the other government buildings – but that’s about as close to the machinations of American politics that I want to get to. What’s more, I have no desire to watch a debate in the Houses of Parliament in London either. I would end up screaming “You’re ALL just a bunch of egomaniacal liars” at all of them. I think this is a firm NO!

30. Learn to ballroom dance properly.

When I was 15 my Mum taught me to waltz so that I could go to a dance. I’m not sure why my parents wanted me to go to this dance because at the time I was totally and utterly disinterested in such things. She perhaps thought that it would be a good thing for the future. The truth is that I have only used this “skill” a couple of times in my life since then. That said, I did go to a couple of dance lessons with W, where I learned basic moves to a couple of other dances. Also Mrs PM and I had a couple of Salsa lessons and somehow managed to convince a few friends at a Christmas Party that we were pretty good dancers. We aren’t – we just blagged it. I guess I can cross this one off as well.

31. Eat jellied eels from a stall in London.

I have eaten an eel stew in China and it was one of the most disgusting concoctions I have ever tried. I ate about a fifth of it before giving up (I honestly thought I was going to throw up). So imagine how I would feel being asked to eat arguably the most disgusting foodstuff ever to come out of England. They only eat jellied eels in London as far as I know – and they can bloody well keep them down there. The look awful and I imagine that they taste worse. Another definite NO!!

32. Be the boss.

I have flirted with boss-hood on a few occasions and I didn’t feel comfortable with it. The worst thing was that it lifted me above the technical aspects of my job and that’s one of the only things that keeps me interested at work. I have also had a few run ins with “bosses” in the past as well and to have to deal with an arse like me from the other side is not something I would like to have to do on a daily basis. I would however, like to be my own boss – and one day that may happen. And then I can cross this one off the list.

33. Fall deeply in love -- helplessly and unconditionally.

Been there, done that, bought the T shirt – and am still there.

34. Ride the Trans-Siberian Express across Asia.

Now we’re talking. I would love to do this. I’ve been to Russia and China but this journey also takes in Mongolia. It might be on the list of things to do when I win that elusive lottery. A definite possibility.

35. Sit on a jury.

In the UK, if you are called for jury service then you have to do it, by law. I await the call with dread because it isn’t really something I want to do; rather it may be something I HAVE to do.

36. Write the novel you know you have inside you.

I’ve actually started a couple of novels but as any budding writer will tell you, this is a really difficult thing to achieve, particularly if you have a full time job and suffer from severe procrastination. I have been sorely tempted to have a go at the “Write a novel in a month” at National Novel Writing Month.  The idea is that you write every day for the month of November. I need something to force me to do it and I think with a bit of discipline I might be able to get the bulk of a novel down in thirty days – as long as I don’t keep going back to edit it as I write. I’ll let you know in October whether I am going to have a go – as I do have at least five weird novel ideas buzzing around in my head.

37. Go to Walden Pond and read Thoreau while drifting in a canoe.

I had to look this up. Basically I think the idea is travel to Massachusets and read “Life In The Woods”, a book written by American Henry D. Thoreau whilst floating on Walden Pond. I imagine this is meant to be a spiritually uplifting experience. A possibility – I guess.

38. Stay out all night dancing and go to work the next day without having gone home (just once).

I did this in 1985. I had been working for about six months when a friend of mine from university popped over to Manchester for a job interview that he wasn’t really interested in. I arrived home from work and the two of us and a new work colleague I had recently become friends with, popped to the local pub for a beer or two. Before we knew it, we had met some girls and went back to their house for an impromptu party that lasted until the early hours of the morning. It was too late to go to bed, so we caught a taxi home, got changed and then went to work. I was absolutely shattered as the day wore on and ended up falling asleep in an isolated area of the building under the pretence of writing software. It was fun but I would never do it again.

39. Drink beer at Oktoberfest in Munich.

In 1983, four of us met up in Munich while travelling around Europe and spent two days at the Oktoberfest. It was an amazing atmosphere and yielded a couple of crazy experiences for me. It was my first experience of drinking from a beer stein, having a race to see who could drink the beer fastest ( a very big mistake) and the first time I had slept rough. The latter experience came about because there were no free rooms in the Youth Hostels of Munich. I was woken up by a German Officer who hauled me up with the words “AUF! AUF!”  I was badly hung over and almost threw up. The second night we managed to find a room and this time took it easy, enjoying the friendliness of the locals and savouring the atmosphere and even chatting with them in pigeon German. A good experience all round.

40. Be someone's mentor.

I’ve been called on to be a mentor at work on a couple of occasions now and can sometimes be a rewarding experience – sometimes it can be a pain in the arse though.

Over to you, dear reader. How many of the above 20 items have you achieved?