Romantic Comedies Are Rubbish

I can predict the future.

At least I can predict what will happen when Mrs PM makes me sit down and watch a romantic comedy film with her.

Here’s what will happen – and I can guarantee it.

First, I will be able to predict the plot of the entire movie.

Second, the romantic comedy will not be funny.

Third, I will spend the entire two hours of the film, tutting, moaning and whingeing about how predictably unfunny the movie is.

My final prediction is that I will have wasted two hours of my life.

How can I be so bold in my prophecies?

It’s easy:

Romantic comedies are rubbish.

There are hundreds of them and each time I watch them, I fool myself into thinking:

“Come on, Dave – they can’t all be bad.”

But they are – almost without exception.

And just how predictable is the plot? It’s so easy that even the world’s worst astrologer could actually forecast with a probability of 95% exactly how the story will develop, resolve and conclude.

Shall I demonstrate my predictive talents?

Here goes:

Boy meets girl. Boy fancies girl. Boy plucks up the courage to ask girl out with an outrageous gesture. Boy messes up. Girl feels sorry for boy. Girl goes out with boy. Boy and girl getting along fine. Boy and girl declare love for each other. Boy does something stupid. Boy and girl split up. Boy realises he has made a huge mistake. Boy offers a grand, outrageous and totally unbelievable gesture to win back girl. Boy thinks he has failed and walks off in shame. Girl chases boy. Girl declares undying love for boy. Boy declares undying love for girl. Boy and girl live happily ever after.

How did I do? I’ll bet you’re impressed, aren’t you? You could also substitute “boy” for “girl” in the first paragraph for the sequel.

I can also predict what will happen to me during the film:

Plastic Mancunian vomits. Mrs PM thumps Plastic Mancunian and declares that he “hasn’t got a romantic bone in his body”. Plastic Mancunian declares that the movie didn’t have one funny moment apart from the unintentionally funny bit when the boy cried. Mrs PM thumps Plastic Mancunian again. Plastic Mancunian makes a cup of coffee for Mrs PM, buys some flowers and chocolates and Mrs PM reluctantly forgives him because he does really know how to be romantic.

I’ve been dragged to the cinema to see some absolutely dreadful romantic comedies in my life so I can regard myself as something of an expert in the field.

The first one I really remember seeing was Pretty Woman one of the most overrated wastes of celluloid ever to grace the silver screen. A wealthy businessman hires a prostitute for a week as an escort and falls in love with her?

Do me a favour.

And what about Four Weddings and a Funeral? a movie where Hugh Grant plays the same character as he does in every other film he’s ever been in?

Laugh?

I nearly did at one point. Hugh Grant must be laughing all the way to the bank, playing the bumbling handsome Englishman with the ability to woo a woman in any romantic comedy.

Why Four Weddings and a Funeral was such a massive hit is beyond me.

In a similar vein, I had to endure Love, Actually, again starring Hugh Grant, which is full of numerous mini-romantic comedy storylines all running in parallel and all making me feel like a dog’s dinner.

This scene in particular, while to some it may seem like perfect romance, makes me wonder how anyone can believe that any man would get away with behaviour like this on Christmas Eve by coming on to another man’s wife at their own doorstep – and why those who live the romance would actually say “AWWWWWW!! Isn’t that sweet?”.

Maybe the reason is that the guy in question is Andrew Lincoln and the girl is Keira Knightly. I actually laughed aloud in the cinema at that scene but not because I thought it was funny; I thought it was so absurd that it pushed the boundaries of credibility to the limit.

“Yes Keira – I think you’re perfect and I will love you forever. But I won’t interfere with your marriage and enough is enough. Oh – and thanks for the massive snog!!”

The scene is utterly ridiculous and covered in gallons and gallons of syrup.

I would never voluntarily go to a cinema to watch a romcom. That said, I have suffered the ignominy of being present at a screening of a vomit inducing sugary mess. I sat there with Mrs PM like an hopeless wretch, watching a movie that made my brain slowly shut down.

I didn’t plan it that way. Mrs PM and I went to the cinema to see a film we both wanted to see. Alas, fate conspired against me and that particular film was sold out. I can’t remember what the film was because I have tried to cast the memory of those hours from my mind.

“What about Serendipity?” said Mrs PM.

“What’s that about?” I asked.

“I don’t know but I think its something to do with fate and destiny. John Cusack’s in it. And Kate Beckinsale.”

My male side took over. I have a soft spot for Kate Beckinsale and I know that Mrs PM likes John Cusack.

“OK,” I said. “We’ll give it a go.”

Those words came back to haunt me. I endured the most humourless romantic load of tripe I had ever been subjected to. The plot was totally unbelievable. I didn’t laugh once (apart from maybe maniacally at the absurdity of the storyline).

I wasted my money and a couple of hours of my life.

As I left the cinema, I walked up to the box office and said “Has anybody found a will to live? I’ve just lost mine.”

As far as I am concerned, romance is fine in a movie. Comedy can be brilliant.

Problems arise when the two genres are combined.

A bit of romance in a comedy film is acceptable but when the romance takes over the movie becomes rubbish. Take A Fish Called Wanda – that is a wonderfully funny film with a hint of romance but the emphasis is definitely on the comedy.

It works and it works marvellously.

Pretty Woman, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Serendipity and Love, Actually are pathetic films, immersed and saturated in gratuitous glucose and about as funny as kick up the arse.

Before you call me a cold-hearted heathen, I actually rate some pure romance films as the best I have seen – films like Casablanca, Brief Encounter, It’s A Wonderful Life and even dodgier films like Ghost and Titanic.

It seems like somebody thought When Harry Met Sally was a success so we should flood the market with films that follow the same formula/

I’m sure quite a few people will disagree with me and, as usual, I am willing to change my stance slightly if you can persuade me, dear reader.

Over to you, dear reader.

Do you think romcoms are rubbish? If not – why not?

Top Ten Comedy Films

There is nothing like a decent comedy film to brighten your mood. Here is a list of ten really funny films that have made me howl with laughter in the past. Please feel free to let me know your favourites.

10 – There’s Something About Mary

I had absolutely no idea what this film was about when Mrs PM dragged me to the cinema to see it. It was payback time; I had forced her to see one of my testosterone-fuelled action flicks and this was my penance. I sat down munching on popcorn and within ten minutes I was choking with laughter. There are simply so many pure moments of comedy genius; Cameron Diaz and the hair; the interview with the crazy policeman; the cringeworthy moment involving the zipper that frankly still makes my eyes water just thinking about it.

9 - The Blues Brothers

“We’re on a mission from God”. This is another film I saw without knowing a thing about it. some fantastic performances from legendary artists like James Brown, Ray Charles and Aretha Franklin. It has everything – a surreal story line, great music, great car chases and top comedy performances from John Belushi and Dan Akroyd.

8 - Borat

We’ve known about Sacha Baron Cohen in the UK for some time. Bizarrely, Borat and Bruno were minor characters compared to the more famous “Ali G”, a completely useless pillock who thinks he is a gangster rapper from a crappy little town in the south of England called Staines. Here in the UK we saw Borat on “Da Ali G Show” before anybody else and we knew what to expect from the movie. I have to say that Sacha Baron Cohen has absolutely no fear; I realise that a lot of the movie is staged but some of the scenes in the movie were unbelievable. Arguably the funniest moment was the naked wrestling in the hotel that ends up gate-crashing a corporate event.

7 – This is Spinal Tap

I love this film because it is an absolute piss-take of a classic British heavy metal band, made even better by the fact that all the actors are American. And the album “Break LikeThe Wind” that appeared some years after the movie, is actually very good and very funny with lyrics like:

When we die, do we haunt the sky?
Do we lurk in the murk of the seas?
What then? Are we born again?
Just to sit asking questions like these?

Back to the movie, scenes like the cock up with “Stonehenge” and the band getting lost on the way to the stage are comedy classics. And remember “These go to 11”:



6 – Some Like It Hot

This is one of my mother’s favourite films. It may be dated now but the ideas and comedy in the film are years ahead of their time. It was also the first film I saw starring Marilyn Monroe – what a lovely woman she was. Jack Lemmon is the star of the film for me, though it has to be said that both he and Tony Curtis were very convincing as women. And of course, the ending of the film is legendary:



5 – Blazing Saddles

I love Mel Brookes and Blazing Saddles is my favourite of his. OK, the ending was a bit crap but the rest of the movie is inspired. Highlights for me include the baked beans around the camp fire, Gene Wilder’s gunslinger and, of course, the inimitable Mongo. Very silly and very funny.



4 - National Lampoon’s Animal House

I saw this film as a sixteen year old and it was the first film that was certificate 15 or above. I cried with laughter. John Belushi’s character Bluto is one of the best comedy characters ever and the film is full of fabulously hilarious scenes. The scene with Niedermeyer’s horse is classic. Here’s John Belushi at his best:



3 – Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Steve Martin will never make a funnier film. He came close with “The Jerk” but “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” is in a league of its own. Maybe the reason I love it so much is because it represents one of my worst nightmares – struggling to get home by any means possible and saddled with the most obnoxious man on the planet, played by the brilliant John Candy. I feel Steve Martin’s pain all the way through the film and the poignant ending brings a tear to my eye. But the journey is one of the most hilarious romps I have seen, particularly the socks in the basin and the anguished cry of “THOSE AREN’T PILLOWS!!!!”



2 – Way Out West

I love Laurel and Hardy. My dad introduced me to them as a young child and I have seen just about everything they have ever done. I’m a bit of a sad basket case, owning a DVD box set of most of their feature films and shorts, including quite a few silent films. For me, they are the founders of modern comedy and way ahead of their time. As a child, “Way Out West” had me crying with laughter. These guys are the original “Dumb and Dumber”; so breathtakingly stupid that they defy belief, yet so funny that people still howl with laughter after all these decades. “Way Out West” is my favourite film by the dynamic duo and this is the funniest scene in the film. It is an absolute classic:



1 – Monty Python’s The Life of Brian

This is the funniest film I have seen and also the most misunderstood. It was condemned as blasphemous when it first appeared and was banned in a few areas of the UK, mostly by people who hadn’t seen it. People assumed that just because it was set during the life of Jesus, that it was actually about him. It isn’t – not at all. Jesus appears in the film twice; once at the beginning just after his birth (where the three wise men mistake the baby Brian for Jesus) and once at the Sermon on the Mount. That’s it. The remainder of the film is an hilarious tale that happens to take place at the same time. I laughed so much when I saw it the first time that I had to go and see it again. To this day it is the only film I have ever seen twice at the cinema. There are too many hilarious scenes to mention, so hear are a couple of my favourites:







All ten films have made me laugh – I hope you agree. If you don’t please feel free to let me know your favourites.