Scary Shadows

Welcome to South Manchester on a Friday afternoon on Hallowe’en where the weather is not to bad – a little cloudy but rain free. 

Regular readers will know that I am not a fan of the hype that is Hallowe’en. To me it is too commercialised and American and I don’t want endless kids knocking my door saying “trick or treat”. 

I don’t mind the horror aspect of it though. Last night, for example, I watched a documentary called “Uncanny” which was really creepy and talked about a man who was being haunted by the “shadow man”, a seven foot tall figure who had no features and was described as “blacker than black” with no facial features at all, a kind of powerful-looking menacing and sinister entity that kept appearing to him after his father’s death. You could have dismissed it as imagination had several of his friends and family not seen this thing as well. 

It creeped me out and I had to watch an hour or two of comedy before I went to bed so that I could sleep easier. 

Now that is what Hallowe’en is about to me - being scared and watching scary movies and shows, not kids dressing up and asking for sweets. I guess I am the Hallowe’en equivalent of The Grinch or Ebeneezer Scrooge. I don’t care. America is welcome to this weird tradition. 

So what am I doing tonight to avoid these kids?

I’m going to Manchester city centre to have a beer and then watch, arguably the world’s greatest Abba tribute act, called “Bjorn Again” with Mrs PM and some friends. They come from Australia and have been touring the world since the late 1980’s. 

I am a closet Abba fan so I think it will be very enjoyable, certainly better than constantly answering the door to kids all night. 

Let’s answer some silly questions from Sunday Stealing, shall we? 

1. What was the last thing you laughed at?

I laugh a lot actually but the last thing I remember laughing at was excerpt from a Laurel and Hardy short that I spotted on the internet this morning. The clip was from “Helpmates”. You can watch the whole thing below but the excerpt I laughed at was two minutes from the 8 minute mark:

I love Laurel and Hardy. 

2. Who among your friends/family "gets" your sense of humour?

Mrs PM and my kids get my sense of humour as do quite a few friends. Most people I know love the typical British humour that pervades a lot of our comedy shows. We have a unique sense of humour in my country that some foreigners just don’t really get at all. The only nation that comes close to our humour is Australia because as big as the friendly rivalry between our two nations, they share our sense of humour almost exactly.

 I love comedy and I can appreciate humour of other places, like the US for example, where they have some really good comedy shows. For example, Mrs PM and I are currently enjoying “Parks and Recreation” from the America, an older show that I had only discovered this year. It is funny. 

Here is some British humour for you. 

3. What jewellery are you wearing at this moment?

Unless you count a watch as jewellery, the answer is none. 

4. If you could offer one bit of etiquette that everyone should follow while dining out, what would it be?

I’ll offer several (because I am a rebel).

Do not talk while chewing. 

Chew with your mouth closed.

Do not drink the finger bowl. 

Do not flick peas at other diners. 

Do not lick the plate clean. 

5. What's the first thing a guest would notice when they walked through your front door?

The Gene Simmons Cat picture hanging on the wall:

Hallowe'en

 

Welcome to sunny Manchester on day 216 of our lockdown due to Coronavirus. And yes, it is lockdown now as we are riding the crest of the Second Wave.

In the UK, the government has introduced 3 tiers of lockdown and here in Manchester we are the highest tier – Tier 3. The mayor of Greater Manchester, Andy Burnham, had a massive row with the government about a rescue package to assist those who would be affected in terms of job losses and livelihood and it lasted ten days making headline news here in the UK.

Of course, in the end, the government, led by Boris the Clown, imposed the rules anyway and now we are under lockdown, not quite as bad as we were in March and April, but bad enough. 

In Manchester we have been restricted since the end of July and personally I am totally used to it now. I haven’t seen friends in the flesh since July, which is deeply annoying. 

In Tier 3 we cannot go to the pub – unless that pub serves a “substantial meal”. We can still go to restaurants but they have to close by 10pm. And we can’t go with friends, only those members of our household. Basically, Mrs PM and I are only allowed to go out together. Of course, being Manchester, certain pubs are trying to find a way around the “substantial meal” restriction by serving things like beans on toast for £2.

Maybe next week, I will wonder around our locality to see where I can and can’t go. 

As you can see, the theme for this week’s Sunday Stealing is “Halloween” or “Hallowe’en” as it should be written. In the UK we are ambivalent about this “holiday” – it is something that our American buddies celebrate with gusto. Here, we don’t really care, despite various companies trying to push it with cards, costumes, sweets etc. 

Due to the pandemic, it will be a damp squib this year regardless but usually I ignore the door when the kids come around with their “Trick or Treat” nonsense. It’s not that I am a miserable old git; it’s more about the fact that I consider it an American tradition and therefore don’t want to be involved in it.

Anyway, this is the theme for Sunday Stealing so for the duration of this post I shall summon enthusiasm for All Hallows’ Eve and dive in.

1. What is your favourite spooky song

I have narrowed this down to two. The first is the title track from the first album by the British Heavy Metal band Black Sabbath. The song is called Black Sabbath as well. It is a very scary song and if you listen to it in bed at night all alone, it can freak you out.

The words are scary:

What is this that stands before me?

Figure in black which points at me

Turn 'round quick and start to run

Find out I'm the chosen one

Oh, no

Big black shape with eyes of fire

Telling people their desire

Satan sitting there he's smiling

Watches those flames get higher and higher

Oh, no, no, please God help me

It scares me because anything to do with Satan does that to me. Here is the song in it’s full glory.

The second is by a British Progressive Rock band called Arena, and is called The Butterfly Man. It is about “something” which creeps up behind innocent people and steals their souls to add to his or “its” collection – a soul hunter if you like. Once collected you are damned to a dark eternity as expressed by the lyrics:

I've been here for so long

Don't even know what my purpose ever was

I don't even know where I belong

Through the years I've been waiting

Even time has lost it's meaning

Don't even know where I belong"

"Can't ever turn from this path

Don't even know what alternatives there are

Perhaps I wandered too far

I've been here for so long

Don't even hope for an end to all of this

I have no choice, but to carry on

Here it is:

2. What do you want etched on your tombstone?

I plan to live forever, so I won’t have anything on my tombstone. 

Okay – if you’re pushing me, how about:

“Here Lies Plastic Mancunian – He Came; He Saw; He Laughed”

3. Who is your favourite horror movie villain

I used to love horror films but these days I rarely watch them. I will go for a recent one that I have seen  - Pennywise from It.

4. Have you ever seen a ghost?

I think I might have – but I’m not sure. It was a surreal experience just after my dad died. I have written a blog post about it in the past. To be fair, I’m not 100% convinced that it was a ghost.

5. Do you prefer gore, thrillers or supernatural movies?

I am more a fan of supernatural movies because in general they are more scary. I watched a gore movie that I absolutely hated because it was not only disturbing but also full of gore just for the sake of it and it put me off such movies completely.

Give me a good sci-fi or superhero movie. 

6. What is your favourite scary book?

The one that scared me the most was “The Dark” by James Herbert. I loved it and at the time I was living alone as I had just moved to Manchester and was finding my feet. I read this book at night time in a small flat in the dark and it genuinely got my heart racing. 

Here is a brief description from wikipedia:

Beginning in a small suburban street where an empty house is haunted by a malevolent, sentient darkness, the scope of the story expands as the darkness escapes and begins to engulf the city.

A very scary book – that I probably need to read again to be honest.

7. Have you ever had a tarot card reading?  Was it accurate?

Not a chance. I don’t believe in such things.

8. Are you superstitious?

No – not really. I have little foibles but nothing that I would count as superstitious.

9. Have you ever used a voodoo doll?

Not at all – it is utter nonsense. Great for stories though.

10. Have you ever participated in a seance?

Only once and it was a joke played by two mates at school on Hallowe’en. One of them lived in a fairly big house with a big cellar and his parents were out. We went downstairs to the cellar and there were little gaps in the walls that were accessible from the outside and the two of them had rigged up an elaborate series of “shocks” all triggered by a string pull from outside. 

As we started on the Ouija Board, the lad outside tugged the strings and things started falling over, culminating in glasses smashing. He then ran inside and put on a sound effects record of ghosts and creaking and similar spooky noises. We fell for it, until one lad saw the guy outside creeping around and sniggering. 

All in all, I would say it worked but I actually found it fascinating until we knew what was happening. 

11. Have you ever heard voices when no one was around except you?

As described in question 4, I may have seen the ghost of my dad – and when I did, I am sure that I heard the words “It’s only me, Dave!” – but I may have imagined that.

12. What is your favourite Halloween candy?

We don’t have them here in the UK – or at least we never used to have them. If we do now, I am unfamiliar with them.

13. What was your most memorable Halloween costume?

I haven’t got one because I have never dressed up for Hallowe’en.

However, I once went to work dressed as Ozzy Osbourne who portrays himself as “The Prince of Darkness”. Does that count? Here I am as Ozzy:

14. Do you like going through haunted houses (not real ones)?

No – they are a pointless experience.

15. If someone dared you to spend the night in a haunted house (a real one) would you do it?

Yes I would – as long as the person who dared me to do it was with me and we stayed up all night exploring the house with just a torch. I could go for that.

Dear America

Dear America,

How are you all doing? How is Uncle Sam? How is the lovely Oprah?

It’s been a while since I’ve been over to visit you all, so I thought I would write you a letter just to let you know that I am still alive and thinking about you all. Last time I was over there, you offered me your spare room in Alaska, rather than somewhere warmer. 

Still, I got to visit Seattle for a day on the way – it’s just a shame that Frasier Crane wasn’t around Bill Gates conveniently had to be elsewhere. I had a few things to say to him about Microsoft (again).

Why do you think he keeps ignoring my emails?

Actually, now the pleasantries are over, I have a confession to make.

I have an ulterior motive.

I think I might have annoyed you – by accident of course. I love you guys and, being British, I like to poke fun at people I love. It’s just the way we are across the pond. Anyway, I’m also keen to make things right and explain my actions.

Here are some of my "sins":

Correcting Your Language

I know somebody has probably told you that whenever I watch an American programme or film (that’s “movie” to you), I stand up, ranting, and say things like:

Stop saying "Do the MATH"! It’s MATHS! And while we’re on, it’s ALUMINIUM not "ALUMINUM". And what the hell is a DIAPER and a FAUCET?

I’m just joking. I know what these things are – I’m just trying to impress any fellow Brits who might be listening by convincing them I can speak a foreign language fluently.

Mocking Patriotism

Listen guys, I can explain what happened on that fateful day in Florida. I was one of three British people waiting to see the Hall of Presidents and I honestly did not mean to say what I said. 

Looking back I should have just stood up and looked around instead of staying seated and cracking a joke.

When the folk band played your National Anthem I did not expect everybody to stand up and put their hands on their hearts and start bellowing the words. When I said “Spot the Brits!” while remaining seated, I was not being disrespectful. Nor was I being facetious when I giggled and pointed at a man who was clearly overwhelmed by the song, with tear-filled eyes and a voice so choked he could barely utter the words “Oh, say can you see …”.

  

It’s just that, as Brits, we are proud of our country but don’t blubber and stand there with our hands on our chests when God Save The Queen comes on. In fact, quite the contrary – it’s a dreary song and I think the Queen is so wealthy she could probably save all of us.

Furthermore, my joke about the ubiquitous nature of the American flag was not meant to offend. I was not actually going to steal one. What would I do with it?

Finally, I know you Americans are under the impression that you live in the greatest country in the world. I really did not mean to upset the poor pastor when I questioned this statement on his pompous blog. I was just having a bad day and all of his talk about how God loves America more than any other country just wound me up. I apologise to the pastor and all of his sheep who may have read my comment claiming that Britain is a far better and safer place to live than America. 

Mocking Stupidity

I laughed at these videos and I apologise:

I also have to laugh when asked stupid questions like “Do you celebrate 4^th July in England?”

And yes, I really have been asked that question.

Moaning About The Slow Invasion Of Britain By America

Every year, a new American tradition seems to find its way across the Atlantic Ocean and wangle its way into our culture. It started with Hallowe’en, which means that every year I am supposed to buy bags of sweets and face armies of kids dressed up as ghouls and ghosts as they bang my door with the words that make my blood boil: “Trick or Treat”.

And then I noticed that the School Prom was the next invader. Both of my lads have dressed up in suits, jumped into a limo and attended a prom – just for leaving school. That did not happen in my day. 

And then the final straw, when, this year, a large percentage of British people went crazy on a day called Black Friday. Shops were invaded by crazed idiots desperate for a bargain, fighting over televisions and other expensive items that had had their price reduced. I don’t want to see my country descending into anarchy because of an American tradition.

What’s next? Will we end up celebrating Thanksgiving?

I’m not being awkward or funny. If I want the things above, I will visit America again and enjoy them with you guys.

Calling America "The Colonies"

What else was I supposed to say? 

Picture the scene. Mrs PM and I were on an old ship in Boston, that had taken part in the War of Independence. We were part of a tour group and were told some very interesting facts about the part that the ship had played in the war against the British over two hundred years earlier. 

“Is there anyone from Britain?” asked the tour guide.

Of course, being proud of my country, I put my hand up with a gleeful smile – and then I was roundly booed.

Listen, this war happened many years before I was born and I didn’t spot any people in the tour group who were that old. My response was simply a natural gut reaction – to inject a bit of humour (as opposed to "humor") into the situation:

“Well, I’m glad to see you’re looking after The Colonies for us until we get it back in the near future!”

There is no plot for the UK to invade America. Just because we are British doesn’t mean that we are all megalomaniacs and evil monsters, as depicted in films (or "movies").

It was a joke. 

And Finally ...

There are lots of other ways I may have upset you guys and if so, I am sorry. 

America is basically like a good friend to me, somebody who provides lots of fantastic films, brilliant music and, even though a lot of you don’t get irony, lots of great comedy.

I do plan to visit again soon but this time I will try not to take the piss out of religion, accents, words, history or the stupid people who live in your country.

Don’t forget, there are stupid people everywhere – including Britain.

Take Boris Johnson as an example:

This man is Mayor of London!! Yes – we REALLY DID elected him!

Actually, that’s not quite true; the population of London did. And there is talk that one day he may become Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

If that happens, I will be over the pond in a flash.

Actually maybe not. You guys elected George W Bush didn’t you?

Not once but TWICE.

Oh dear – I’ve annoyed you again haven’t I?

Yours Sincerely

Plastic Mancunian

P.S. It’s great to know that you guys hate Piers Morgan too. I’m really sorry we inflicted him upon you – please don’t blame me personally for that!

Trick Or Treat? Humbug!!

I was going to post a short work of fiction, a scary tale in preparation for Hallowe’en – but then I thought to myself, why?

I hate Hallowe’en. I hate it with a passion.

Now I don’t want to sound like a killjoy here, or somebody who hates kids having fun, but I really wish that we would just leave the Americans to celebrate this day.

The holiday has taken off in recent years in the United Kingdom, to the point where our shops are now full of scary paraphernalia such as witch costumes, lanterns, pumpkins, monster outfits, pumpkins, vampire outfits, face paint, pumpkins, fake blood, more pumpkins, more bloody pumpkins and finally even more pumpkins.

As a fan of ghost stories, horror novels and horror films, I am all for sitting in a candlelit room, telling scary tales or watching terrifying movies on the box.

What I positively hate is the commercialism that surrounds it.

Tomorrow night is going to be a nightmare, and not because it is scary. Our streets will be full of kids dressed as vampires and monsters, roaming round with bored parents in tow, begging for sweets with the threat of punishment if you fail to hand over the chocolate bars. If I stay in I will be subjected to a knock on the door approximately every ten seconds for the entire evening. If I am stupid enough to answer it I will see five year old children dressing up as vampires and ghouls saying “Trick Or Treat”. I will then say “Go away” and find my house covered in eggs the following morning.

Why do kids dress up as monsters anyway? Most are too young to watch films containing vampires and witches. I remember as an eleven year old kid pestering my dad to allow me to watch a horror film. I must have been a real pain in arse because he finally gave in and allowed me to watch “Dracula” starring Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee. I was so excited I almost peed my pyjamas. I watched the film and then peed my pyjamas. I have never been so scared in my entire life. I spoke with a stammer for ten weeks. I didn’t get a wink of sleep for an entire month. I quite literally avoided cemeteries for ten years. My dad certainly taught me a lesson. He asked me about a month later if I wanted to watch “Dracula Has Risen From The Grave”.

“Has he risen from the grave?” I stammered. “Yes,” he replied. I spent the next fortnight under the duvet with a crucifix, a torch and a telephone directory trying to find the number for Professor Van Helsing.

So why do kids dress up as creatures they would be terrified of? Why do we do have this ritual? Who bloody started it? Businessmen who want to exploit people, that’s who. It is far too commercial and yet another way to extract cash from my pocket for a meaningless purpose (other than to make them rich).

I don’t mind it being celebrated in America or Canada, where it has been traditional for decades. But in the UK it should stop forthwith.

When I am President of The United Kingdom I will ban this holiday immediately. Anybody who opposes me will be locked into a crypt in the most haunted cemetery in England. If people want blood-curdling terror, I will show endless repeats of the Vanessa Feltz Show on TV.

In fact, that’s a thought. Given some of the shows and celebrities in England, if you want to scare the children just let them watch any TV show with Jeremy Kyle, Trinny and Susannah, Bonnie Langford, Anthony Worrell-Thompson, Gillian McKeith, Jamie Oliver or Tim Westwood. That should give them sleepless nights for months.

Hallowe’en! What a royal pain in the buttocks! Dracula would turn in his grave. So would Frankenstein’s Monster. I’m sure that Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers and all other evil entities escape to avoid the legions of children roaming the streets. It must scare them to death.

I’m glad that’s off my chest. I’m now off back to my coffin for a well earned rest before rampaging through the streets of Manchester with my vampire friends in search of adults hiding in their homes.

Or maybe I’ll just hide in the pub.