Let's Do Europe

“Let’s do Europe!” is a phrase I have heard quite a few times, mainly from Americans but also from other nationalities, including people from my own country.

Last week I was in a restaurant in Porto, Portugal, and I heard a variation on the words again from a young American couple on an adjacent table.

“I can’t believe we’re in Europe,” said one of them. “I’ve always wanted to do Europe and here we are.”

I’m not criticising them, far from it in fact. I am delighted that these young people have taken the time to leave the confines of the United States and venture out to, in my opinion, the most exciting and varied continent on the planet.

The only minor quibble I have is that it is pretty much impossible to “do Europe” unless you are very wealthy and spend many years travelling around each country in turn and within each country visit as much of it as you can.

I have lived in Europe all of my life and I have barely scratched the surface – and I have travelled a lot. In fact, I can also say that I have not “done” the UK either – and I live here.

My travel map for Europe looks impressive to people but the truth is that is isn’t really.

For example I have never been to Albania, Andorra, Armenia, Austria, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Bulgaria, Cyprus, Denmark, Estonia, Finland, Georgia, Kazakhstan, Kosovo, Latvia, Lichtenstein, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Moldova, Montenegro, Norway, Poland, Romania, San Marino, Serbia, Slovakia, Slovenia, Sweden or Ukraine.

When you compare the list to the places I have been (Belgium, Croatia, Czech Republic, France, Germany, Greece, Hungary, Iceland, Ireland, Malta, Monaco, Netherlands, Portugal, Russia, Spain, Switzerland, Turkey, UK and Vatican City) it looks like I have seen less than half of the continent.

One of the countries I have spent a lot of time in is Spain and I have barely scratched the surface of that vast and wonderful country. I have had conversations with people in the past who claim to know Spain “like the back of their hands” and yet base their knowledge on a few two week package holidays to the Balearic Islands (having never even been to the mainland!).

“So do you speak Spanish?” I have asked.

“No – there’s no need. They all speak English!”

Wrong.

Try travelling on a train from Seville to Madrid and see how many people speak English. In fact, just wander around either of those two cities and see how far you get without a few basic words or a phrase book.

It’s a similar story with other continents of course. For example I have been to the United States and Canada quite a few times and I simply cannot claim that I know either of those countries. Sure, I can speak English and have been to a few big cities like Los Angeles, New York, Washington DC and Toronto but if I were to tell an American that I have “done” the United States he would, quite rightly, laugh at me and tell me how wrong I am.

I’ve been to Australia too but I would need two decades at least to fully explore that huge place – I was there for just over two weeks!

Similarly with Asia – the biggest continent of all. I have spent eight weeks of my life in China yet every time I have been back, the place never ceases to amaze me with its wonderful quirkiness, beauty, customs and traditions. I learn something new each time I visit.

What I would say to anybody who wants to “do Europe” is this:

Yes – I agree – you should do Europe – again and again and again! 

Keep coming back and seek out new adventures. 

Eventually you will get to know the place. 

Mind if I join you?

The Alternative Eurovision Song Contest

Last night I watched a truly European phenomenon on my telly box; The Eurovision Song Contest. This year, the competition was broadcast throughout the world for the first time, including China and the United States.

So now the whole world knows that the whole of Europe is absolutely crazy!

I am guilty because this competition, now in its 61st year, is an annual spectacle which is a mixture of pomp and utter madness. Some of the songs are absolutely crazy and, to be honest, absolutely dreadful.

Last night was no exception. I watched the show laughing my head off at the over the top theatrics and marvelled at how poor the continent’s taste in music actually is. Even the United Kingdom’s effort was dreadful and, quite rightly, finished a poor 24th out of 26 songs.

One or two, vaguely interested me but that is about it.

Even Australia had an entry. Why? I don’t know; they were guests last year for the 60th anniversary but why they were in it this year is beyond me. Not that I have anything against Australia – the country is not in Europe so therefore should not take part.

Worse, what amazes me is that all of the nations taking part have artists that can produce genuinely fine music in most genres – ourselves included. Yet we have to endure pop songs, weird songs and absolutely dreadful songs from all nations.

Yet, perversely, I am drawn to it because, in my opinion it is so bad that it is brilliant. Mrs PM and I watched the show picking our favourites (which was a massive struggle for me because they were all awful) only to be disappointed at the end when the rest of Europe (and Australia) voted a dreadful Ukrainian song as the winner.

I may sound like a dreadful bore and a man who criticizes music just for a rant but I can’t help it – and I am certain that most people think the same way (they just won’t admit it).

Anyway, I read a blog post recently that proposed a new slant on Eurovision by selecting Heavy Metal songs from each of the countries. The author is Big D at Assorted Thoughts From An Unsorted Mind and I have decided to plagiarise his idea, except for one subtle difference. I am going to pick songs from my own collection which may or may not be rock songs.

Without further ado, here is my alternative Eurovision Song Contest – limited to 10 songs, rather than the 26 of the original competition (my God – we’d be here all night!).

If you fancy it, take your pick and let me know your favourite. One thing I can guarantee you – there are no singing grannies from Russia, no bearded women from Austria and no bad songs!

Poland

I have a beautiful progressive rock song for you to start with from Poland. The band is called Riverside and the song is called Found (The Unexpected Flaw of Searching).

France

I really like Air, an electronic duo from France who produce very melodic relaxing pop songs. This beautiful song called Redhead Girl is typical of the band.

The Netherlands

Within Temptation are one of two symphonic metal bands I like from Holland. Don’t be put off by the label “metal” because this song, Edge of the World, is a beautiful orchestral piece that would win Eurovision – of that I have no doubt.



Ireland

If it’s Ireland it can only be Enya. Here is a beautiful relaxing song called Afer Ventus– which bizarrely is sung in Latin.



Sweden

Livening things up a bit with the Swedish entry, we have The Hives. If at first you don’t succeed Try It Again.



Norway

You have almost certainly heard of A-ha. I was a big fan of the band because they wrote great pop songs. Minor Earth Major Sky is a later song after their early to mid-1980’s peak.

Finland

Nightwish are another symphonic metal band but veer into the realms of progressive rock by flirting with different styles. The Islander is a almost a folk song.

Belgium/Australia

Gotye was born in Belgium but now lives in Australia so I am killing two birds with one stone with this song. You will have heard it before – a great pop song called Somebody That I Used To Know.

Germany 

Mein Land is a fun song from German industrial band Rammstein, which believe it or not is not as heavy as their usual numbers. The video is a little naughty and turns into mayhem at the end. It would do well at Eurovision I think.

United Kingdom

For the UK it has to be a song from my current favourite British artist, Steven Wilson. There are so many good songs but here is an upbeat song from his current album called Happiness III.

And Finally…

Over to you, dear reader.

If you feel like telling me which one you would vote for, feel free.

Alternatively, if you watched Eurovision this weekend - did you actually like any of the songs?

Personally I would vote for all of them because in my opinion, they are all better than anything Eurovision has offered (well since Abba and Lordi won it anyway).

In Out In Out Shake It All About

As promised, here is my second political post.

I apologise in advance.

Our current Prime Minister, David Cameron, is a broken man.

Normally I would enjoy this, laughing at his political troubles. Sadly, I feel sorry for him (even though all of this is his own doing).

I actually feel a little dirty because I support him for once.

Cameron has spent a few weeks travelling around the other countries of the European Union seeking support for an agreement that will convince members of his own party – oh and the rest of the UK (the likes of me) – that we will be stronger by remaining in the European Union, rather than leaving it under the monicker of a tabloid-style banner called Brexit (short for British Exit – I wonder who thought that one up?).

David Cameron has returned having actually agreed with the other European leaders that our island will be special when it comes to the European Union and that we should stay in and be a strong influence in the European Union.

Sadly, his own (right wing) Conservative party is now split right down the middle with the Eurosceptics out in force basically telling the people that their beloved leader is trying to con the British public.

On one side of this Conservative civil war we have some of the most odious Tories bellowing in their own inimitable fashion:

“We should leave the European Union immediately! If we stay then the Fires of Hell will explode and brimstone will rain down on the UK as if Satan himself had blasted us all with his unholy flame thrower!”

On the other side of this Conservative civil war we have some of the most odious Tories bellowing in their own inimitable fashion:

“We MUST stay in the European Union forever, If we leave then the Fires of Hell will explode and brimstone will rain down on the UK as if Satan himself had blasted us all with his unholy flame thrower!”

So who should we believe?

This is like a typical British election with each side trying to scare the population into supporting them. I hate all of the most vociferous Tories – on BOTH sides.

In the “OUT” campaign we have Michael Gove, Iain Duncan Smith and Boris Johnson – all three of whom I would quite happily punch in the face.

YIKES!!!!! Don't you just want to punch them??

In the “IN” campaign we have David Cameron, George Osborne and Jeremy Hunt – all three of whom I would love to punch in the face.

I actually agree with these BOZOS!!! I still want to punch them!!

I am not a violent person and these six people have done this to me, your friendly neighbourhood Plastic Mancunian.

I have actually just vomited a little in my mouth because I pictured myself supporting George Osborne and Jeremy Hunt.

The vote takes place in June and if you live in the UK, expect to see a campaign of total lies, excessive scaremongery with a smidgeon of sliminess, a dollop of faux-insincerity all garnished with a blob of false patriotism. If I see Cameron claim that he loves Britain more than anybody else again I think I will call Donald Trump to arrange to have a wall built around him.

Worse, we also have UKIP, the UK Independence Party, fronted by Nigel Farage, a man who is so anti-European that he married a German and hired her as his personal secretary. It’s beyond belief. Talk about hypocrisy.

No more Germans - apart from my wife!!!

You will hear arguments such as:

“If we leave the European Union, it will be terrible for business and there will be thousands of job losses.”

This is from the “IN” campaign – and from the "OUT" Campaign” you will hear:

“If we stay in the European Union, it will be terrible for business and there will be thousands of job losses.”

We hear the exact same argument from BOTH sides about National Security. Leaving the European Union and staying in the European Union will BOTH be catastrophic.

What the hell is the everyday British person supposed to believe?

I heard one commentator call the whole thing a pantomime and he is absolutely correct.

So who does the everyday Brit  support? Do we listen to the scaremongery of David Cameron or Boris Johnson?  Do we listen to so-called colleagues who were united during the last election but are now at each other’s throats over this?

Well I’ve made up my mind, as I said above,and I think we should stay in the European Union. From what I hear from real people on the subject, the "OUT" brigade are basically citing immigration and freedom of movement as the reason to leave.

All of the opposition parties support staying in the European Union and the further right you get, and the more xenophobic these people become (and yes I am talking about you, Nigel Farage, and your little Englander party of xenophobes).

This is the nasty undercurrent that the "OUT" brigade have to deal with.

Of course, most will say “It’s not that we’re scared of Europeans – it’s just …”.

I’m not saying that all those supporting the "OUT" campaign feel like this but I’ve heard a lot of people voicing this opinion as the reason to leave.

Personally, I am the complete opposite of xenophobic. I love the diversity of humanity, the amazing cultures that exist worldwide.  I love Europe and I would love to spend a large portion of my retirement in the south of France, Spain or Italy.

Maybe I will; maybe I won’t. But I do know that if we leave the European Union such dreams will be harder to achieve.

I just hope that the campaign of fear over the next few months is replaced by a more realistic explanation of the pros and cons of the EU, without resorting to xenophobia.

I can dream, can’t I?