Trumpa Loompa

Donald Trump!

What a man!

What a legend!

I am astonished by what he has achieved in recent years and find myself gaping in wonder at his triumphs.

Donald Trump is President of the United States of America, elected by promising to make America great again. Having been a frequent visitor to the US I wonder how this is possible but clearly he has seen something the rest of the world hasn’t. I realise that there are people out there who doubt this and my own personal theory is that he is doing his best to bring America to its knees in his first term in order to make the country rise up like a phoenix when the next President has to pick up the pieces. Clearly he thinks it will take a few terms to achieve his goals of rebuilding this self-proclaimed greatest country in the world.

And he has God on his side. At the inauguration ceremony, where it was clearly raining, Donald told the world that God made the sun shine. The rest of us saw pissing rain – but Donald saw God. The rest of us saw a below average crowd of witnesses to this event whereas Donald saw billions of people – the greatest number of people in history to witness the inauguration of a President.

Donald also has the ability to run the government on social media. Twitter has become the means of making the country amazing again with policy statement after policy statement crammed into 140 letters. He even invents new words like ”covfefe” – a true genius at work.

Talking of genius, nobody has taken Donald up on his challenge to have an IQ test. They are running scared because Donald has a higher IQ than anybody in the world. He doesn’t have to prove himself. He’s the President for heaven’s sake.

I am also envious of his hair. Yes – you read that correctly. My hair is a sentient beast and leaps at every opportunity to humiliate me.  Donald has the BALLS to face his own sentient beast and march out to face his loyal people with his head held high even when his own hair has appalling ideas of its own.

Moreover, while we’re on the subject of physical appearance, Donald is a trendsetter. His skin colour is amazing and redefines the word “orange”. We all know that “orange is the new black”, a phrase I am certain that Donald invented via Twitter sometime in the past. Either he wants to be an influential leader or he is simply an orange alien with crazy hair. You decide.

Donald also trying to redefine “misogyny” because (he says) he respects all women. All the talk about grabbing women in  intimate places has to be fake news – surely. Surely his quip about dating his own daughter was a joke, When he said way back in 1992 that “you have to treat ‘em like shit!” that had to be fake news too, didn’t it?

Okay – who am I kidding here? All the buffoonery above is total bollocks!

The man is a bloody arse. Everybody knows it but nobody will admit it.

Surely America has sussed this guy out.

Surely?

There are numerous examples of him talking utter bollocks, boasting, lying, contradicting himself, being nasty to anyone who criticises him, hiring incompetents and firing people who challenge him.

There must be millions of Americans who voted for him saying “What on earth possessed me?”

Make America great again? Really?

Donald Trump has made America a laughing stock. But it isn’t funny any more. All he does in the White House is massage his own ego, something he cares about much more than his country.

Worse, his bullshit is taking a sinister turn. Here are some disturbing quotes:

“Rocket man is on a suicide mission for him and his regime.”

“Kim Jong Un of North Korea, who is obviously a madman who doesn't mind starving or killing his people, will be tested like never before!”

"North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States. They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen ... he has been very threatening beyond a normal state. They will be met with fire, fury and frankly power the likes of which this world has never seen before.”

And what about this scary exchange when Trump recently posed with a room full of military leaders:

Trump: Maybe it’s the calm before the storm. Could be, the calm. The calm before the storm.

Press: What do you mean, Mr President?

Trump: We have the world's great military people in this room, I will tell you that. And uh, we're gonna have a great evening.

Press: But what do you mean by “calm before the storm”, Mr President?

Trump: You’ll find out.

What the bloody hell is THAT supposed to mean?

Is he going to authorise a major military offensive?

Is he making threats to a deranged power-hungry lunatic in North Korea who just happens to be testing missiles that may soon reach the United States armed with a nuke?

Will this be the start of World War 3?

Oh my God!

I tell you what: there has never been a President like Donald Trump – and I hope to God that there will never be another one.

Here are some thoughts from British comedians:

I hope that's cheered you up a bit.

Rise of the Alternative Fact

In the good old days, a fact was a fact. A fact could walk down the street with its head held high and tell everyone around that it was the truth.

In recent times, however, facts are being challenged by something that is getting stronger every single day.

We are led to believe that facts are no longer facts. We are told that the facts we know and love are now lies.

Never before has a simple fact been persecuted so much. Never before have so many people declared war on the fact, promoting lies and half-truths as the new fact and even giving these evil pretenders to the throne a new moniker – the “alternative fact”.

So what is an “alternative fact”?

Put simply, it is a lie - nothing more; nothing less. Just because it has the word "fact" in its name, doesn't make it the truth.

These “alternative facts” are sadly now becoming the norm and people are ignoring real facts in favour of these imposters because it helps them get ahead.

Such people believe that by repeating the “alternative fact” over and over again, people will actually start to believe them. The real facts do not support their arguments or views – therefore they have to invent “alternative facts” and try to convince people that their weird view of the world is true.

Here are some “alternative facts” that have crossed my radar in recent times.

No planes hit the World Trade Center on September 11th, 2001.

We all saw what happened. We all saw at least one aircraft fly directly into the building on that fateful day. Yet some people actually believe that the government or some shady evil organisation used digital composting to fool us all into believing that the aircraft hit the building – even on the amateur footage from the streets below.

The world is flat. 

I’ve actually written about this preposterous notion before. You can read about it here.

Scientology is a religion.

One day I will write a post about Scientology – or maybe a book.

Donald Trump’s inauguration as President was the most attended ever.

Sorry – it’s oompa loompa time again. This is one of many "alternative facts" we will see in the next four years. The photos prove it for goodness sake.

They are all nonsense.

Mind you, this got me thinking. I have recently come across a few so-called facts that are not really facts at all but are universally held as truth by most of us. People, including myself, have taken them as gospel for years and years - but they are all lies.

I apologise, dear reader, because I am about to shatter some illusions. The following “facts” are false:

When you flush a toilet in Australia, the water rotates in the opposite direction to that of a toilet flushed in the UK.

Incorrect! The water rotates in the same direction on both sides of our planet.

A Black Hole is a hole in space. 

Wrong! It is a hugely dense object with a massive gravitational pull.

We only use 10% of our brains.

Nonsense! We actually use all of our brain at various points in a typical day.

Electrons orbit around the nucleus of an atom.

Garbage! When I took A-Level chemistry, my teacher told me that most of the stuff we had learned for the past five years was simplified or untrue. Electrons are actually clouds of negative charge that ripple and flow around the nucleus.

Caffeine dehydrates you.

Rubbish! The dehydrating effects of caffeine are more than balanced by the water that accompanies it.

Bulls hate the colour red.

Bullshit! In fact bulls are probably infuriated by the cape because it is the thing that is moving the most.

There is no gravity in space.

Horsecrap! Gravity is everywhere, even in the void of our solar system. What do you think keeps our planet in orbit around the sun?

Adam and Eve ate an apple from God’s forbidden tree.

Blithering baloney! The bible, if that is to be believed, doesn’t mention apples at all; it simply states that they ate the “fruit” of the tree. Probably a pear, actually – because they are foul and disgusting.

Goldfish have a three second memory.

Poppycock! Apparently the memory of a goldfish lasts for a couple of months (mind you – I do wonder how they know this!).

Bagpipes are Scottish!

McBullshit! I particularly like this one – these wailing dirge machines originated in the Middle East.

Ninjas wore black.

Drivel! A true ninja has to blend in. If he or she wears a black ninja costume in the centre of Manchester, he is likely to attract too much attention. Ninjas really wear everyday clothes to blend in so they can attack you when you least expect it.

So you see, dear reader, “alternative facts” are on the rise especially given recent political events.

And I have one last “alternative fact” that will blow your mind.

I am not plastic, nor am I really a Mancunian (though I have lived in Manchester for over 30 years),

My name is Dave, though.

And that's a fact.