Compassion

Here are another set of questions from Sunday Stealing.

What is the most fun thing you have ever done?

I have fun when I am travelling, especially to a place that is a little different from the places that I am used to. In recent years, I have to say that Japan is the most fun place I have visited – so much so that Mrs PM and I are planning to visit again within the next five years.

Are you left-handed or right-handed?

I am right-handed.

What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?

Lots of people do nice things all the time and I always feel embarrassed when this happens to me. I do like helping other people but feel that I don’t need it back. Probably the nicest thing in recent years was Mrs PM’s mother who wanted to go to Australia in 2005 and insisted that we go too. I didn’t want to at the time because I wasn’t ready or willing to spend that much money. So she paid for our flights and although I refused to allow this, she insisted. In the end, as seasoned travellers, Mrs PM and I planned the holiday for her so that we could at least make sure she had an unforgettable time. I also wrote a travelogue for her so that she would treaure the memories.

What is the biggest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

I think that would probably be a camel. We were driving between Abu Dhabi and Dubai in the United Arab Emirates and there in the desert were a few wild camels just plodding along minding their own business.

What is the smallest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

An ant. We have millions of the little buggers in England.

Do you ever have funny dreams at night?

I have funny dreams all of the time, particularly if I eat cheese just before going to bed. These dreams are wacky, wild and weird and it makes me worry sometimes about what is actually going on in my head. I keep meaning to leave a notebook by my bed so that I can scribble down the gist of the dream and then write about in a blog post entitled “How Weird Am I?”.

My problem is that thinking about the next (first) great novel I am going to write actually soothes me and allows me to drift off to sleep, so I suppose it is inevitable that my imagination will take charge and play out the novel as part of my dream with myself as the rather dodgy hero.

If you could make a law for your country, what would it be?

I would make it law that we do not under any circumstances leave the European Union.

Please don’t get me started on this because I will write a book on the subject and bore the hell out you with my endless, merciless ranting.

What would you do if you were invisible for a day?

Oh my God – that would be incredible and, coincidentally, it is a novel idea that will one day, no doubt, lead to a vivid and amazing weird dream – perhaps tonight now that you have brought it up.

I would play mischievous havoc in many places, starting with the residence of our useless Prime Minister, Boris “The Clown” Johnson.

I would record or video what he said in private and then send the film to the news channels and media. I would also sneak into concerts, football matches and all manner of events. It would be such fun.

If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be?

I would be Boris “The Clown” Johnson and rectify some of the horrible things he has planned for the United Kingdom before resigning at the end of my day.

What would you like to change about yourself?

I would like to be 36 years younger first of all and then I would change my terrible hair for something less sentient, my useless eyes for some that work, my face for that of a famous good looking actor and inject a modicum of writing talent into my brain.

What is your daily routine.

I presume you mean on a working day. I get up at 6am, have a shower, weigh myself, cry in anguish when I see the scales, make my lunch (usually a salad), wave goodbye to Mrs PM, drive my car to work, spend the next 5 hours trying to outwit computers while asking myself repeatedly why I am a software engineer, go for a two mile walk at lunchtime while listening to music and contemplating my life, arrive back at work and eat my lunch, spend the next couple of hours trying to outwit computers while asking myself repeatedly why I am a software engineer, drive home, do a little freewriting, post a photograph of something interesting on Instagram, watch the news, rant at the news, either cook or eat dinner (depending on whose turn it is), relax in front of the TV for an hour or so before going to bed and reading for half an hour.

Of course, there are usually some variations and my days when I don’t have to go to work are usually completely different.

What would your perfect day be like?

Not working.

How old were you when you learned to read?

My grandad started introducing me to books at the age of four. I could read the odd word already when I started school at the age of five.

What is the most interesting thing you know?

I know lots of things that are totally interesting for me but boring and tedious for everybody else. However, since most of the people who read this are not British, I will tell you this.

I am British and I live in the British Isles, a set of islands pretty close to France. Great Britain is the biggest of those islands and comprises three countries (England, Scotland and Wales). The country I live in called The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland (or the UK for short). When people refer to my country as Great Britain, they are in fact wrong. The second biggest island in the British Isles is Ireland and this consists of two countries, the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland. Northern Ireland is part of the UK but the Republic of Ireland is not.

See? Not that interesting – and there are plenty more loads of old bollocks in my head.

What makes you nervous?

Many things make me nervous, particularly the current political situation in the UK at the moment.

What is your favourite flower?

I don’t really have a favourite flower. Anything that is brightly coloured, smells nice and doesn’t set off my hay fever is fine.

Have you ever ridden on a horse or any other animal?

I have never ridden a fully grown horse, but I have been on smaller varieties usually led by somebody who knows what they are doing.

What time do you go to bed?

It depends on the day. From Sunday to Thursday I try to go to bed at or around 10pm. On Saturday, Sunday and holidays, I will usually stay up until after midnight, though I am usually in bed by 1am at the latest.

What time do you get up?

As I said above, it also depends on the day. Monday to Friday, I am usually up at around 6am. On Saturday, Sunday and holidays I get up at any time between 7am and 10am, depending on what time I went to bed.

What is something that is always in your refrigerator?

Cheese – I am seriously addicted to cheese. I love the dreams they create.