The Place:
Marbella
The Time:
Midnight
The Characters:
An idiot who calls himself The Plastic Mancunian (PM)
A lovely lady whom this idiot calls Mrs PM
A Spaniard who is a horse drawn carriage driver who I shall call El Conductor
Several Spanish friends of El Conductor
The Scene:
PM and Mrs PM are walking back to their hotel. They are approaching El Conductor and his friends.
Act One:
PM: Look – it’s those horse drawn carriages.
Mrs PM: Nice aren’t they?
El Conductor points to the horse, says something in Spanish with the word caballo in it – Spanish for “horse”
PM: No gracias.
El Conductor points to the horse again.
PM: Just ignore him. We’ll walk past and he won’t ask us again.
El Conductor: Hey Pedro!
PM: The cheeky bugger! What does he mean? “Hey Pedro”? Just keep on walking.
El Conductor: Hey! Hey! Hey! Pedro!!
PM: What the hell is he calling me Pedro for? Bloody cheek! Let’s just carry on. Ignore him.
El Conductor: HEY! PEDRO! HEY! HEY!!!!
PM (getting annoyed now): I tell you what, these guys just won’t take no for a bloody answer will they? And why the hell is he calling me Pedro? Does he think that I'll turn round? Is he taking the piss?
El Conductor: HEY! HEY! HEEEEEEYYYYY!!! PEDDRRROOOO!!!!!!
PM: I’m starting to get really annoyed now. I haven’t met a single Spanish person here that has been unfriendly or irritating and this guy is ruining it all. What's his beef with me? And why the HELL is he calling me Pedro? We just have to carry on walking – just don’t look around! It will encourage him.
El Conductor: HEY!!!!! PEDRO!!! PEDRO!!!! PEDRO!!!!!!
El Conductor speaks some Spanish very quickly, Spanish that PM don’t understand.
PM: Right – that’s it. Enough's enough! Are you listening to me? Why aren’t you answering?
PM looks around for Mrs PM. She is not next to him. She is standing next to El Conductor with her hands on her hips and that face that says PM has just made a mistake.
A penny drops.
The idiot who is PM has walked past El Conductor and his friends totally unaware that he should have turned right. Mrs PM knew this and waited for the buffoon to realise:
(a) He is going completely the wrong way.
(b) He has left his beloved lady behind and didn’t realise it.
(c) He has walked at least 25 yards talking to himself like a mad fool.
(d) El Conductor was simply calling the buffoon Pedro because he didn’t know the fool’s name.
(e) Everyone is laughing at the idiot.
PM: Oh shit!!!
El Conductor (laughing – to Mrs PM): Señora – no te quiere! (He doesn’t love you).
All the Spaniards laugh.
Mrs PM: Yo se!! (I know),
All the Spaniards laugh again.
PM walks back looking like a dejected pratt!
PM: I’m sorry.
Mrs PM: You will be – you idiot. And you have a go at me for not having a sense of direction.
PM: I know.
Mrs PM: And you walk off and leave me behind.
PM: I know.
El Conductor: Adios señora. Adios Pedro.
PM: Adios señor. Lo siento. (I'm sorry)
Mrs PM: You should be saying “Lo siento” to ME!
PM: What’s the phrase I’m looking for? Tengo mucho huevo en mi cara.
Mrs PM laughs. The idiot has a lot of egg on his face.
Thank God there was no Act Two.
10 comments:
Dearest PM -
HA! That's totally hilarious, great "play" very entertaining. I give it a 4 star rating.
That reminds me of my 1st (and last) time in France at age 17. I kept asking the locals "Parlez-vous Francais?" And kept wondering why everyone kept laughing - damn French class! :)
Love it. xx
Oops. Lovely vignette though. Thanks. And I do admire anyone who can grasp enough of a language not their own to admit that they stuffed up.
Oh Pedro, you are in so much trouble! It will take many bouquets of roses to make up for this.
Dearest Lynette,
Parlez vous francais - fabulous. I can imagine how the French reacted to that.
A better one from a mate of mine who went to France and tried to book a taxi on the phone.
His first words were:
"Bonjour. Je suis Angleterre ..."
Lots of laughter ensued ...
:-)
Cheers
PM
Hi Pandora,
So did El Conductor and his amigos.
:-)
Cheers
PM
Hi EC,
My Spanish is slowly improving. Mrs PM (who incidentally speaks almost fluent French as well) can hold a half decent conversation in Spanish too.
Lord knows what she was saying to El Conductor as I stomped off into the distance like a blinkered baboon.
:0)
Cheers
PM
Hi River,
I have this ability to find a witty quip that disarms Mrs PM so I managed to avoid being in too much trouble.
I do need some Brownie Points though so I might just buy a bunch of roses.
:0)
Cheers
PM
"Hey Pedro" is no doubt a new insult in your house...? :)
As in "Oh PlasMan's done a Hey Pedro again."
Spot on Kath,
I was "Pedro" for the remainder of the holiday, on the flight back and (I think) I still am.
I call her Tonto - she can now call me Pedro.
I don't mind.
:0)
Cheers
PM
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