Saturday 25 October 2008

Fat Cat

I have just broken some horrifying news to Mrs PM. Jasper, the biggest of our cats, is actually a little too big.

A few months ago, Jasper was able to leap up onto the table, despite his bulk. Today, however, we watched as he thought about leaping onto the table before lazily climbing on to the chair and then struggling onto the table.

Once there he stared at us as if to say “OK then! Where’s the food?”

I couldn’t remember when we last weighed him. It was a few months ago and he was 14lbs; I recall saying then that he should be on a diet. Seeing his struggle to get onto the table I decided to weigh him again.

He was 17lbs. Mrs PM was aghast.

Consequently, Jasper needs to go on a diet. If he were our only cat, that wouldn’t be an issue. The problem is we have three cats, one of which is scared of anything that moves and another which demands food but, due to hyperthyroidism, doesn’t gain weight, despite his appetite. In the past we have watched over the cats as they eat making sure that Jasper doesn't take over and scoff the whole lot. And that has worked; Jasper has lost weight.

Recently we have lapsed and the results are there for all to see. Jasper has been cleaning up after the other two cats like a feline hoover, sucking up the scraps and converting them into body fat.

I need to take charge. Mrs PM is far too soft.

From now on I am going to overthrow my feline masters and make sure that they only eat when I allow them to. This is going to be hard on Poppy (the scared one) and Spike (the demanding one) but I see no other option.

The days of pandering to their every whim are over. Here is my plan:

(1) All cats will be fed in the morning before we go to work and in the evening when we return.

(2) Jasper will be locked in the lounge until Spike and Poppy have eaten their fill. They will be allowed to eat as much as they like.

(3) We will then free Jasper and give him his ration. Spike and Poppy will be removed from the equation. Jasper will be given less food.

(4) Jasper will not be allowed to have any biscuits or dry food or treats of any kind. He can miaow to his hearts content but I will not submit.

While this strict regime may work in theory we have a couple of problems to overcome.

(1) Mrs PM are going on a two week holiday on 2nd November, leaving the cats in the care of our neighbours. I know what will happen. They will come in the morning and put down food for three cats – and Jasper will be lurking, waiting to vacuum the entire lot into his oversized maw. My only hope is that Spike will stand his ground and keep Jasper at bay. I fear that Poppy may starve, though she does have a tendency to stand up for herself when hungry. Despite my hopes, I fear that Jasper may weigh more on our return. If that is the case then I we will just have to impose a stricter regime.

(2) Mrs PM is too soft. When Jasper is hungry he sits and stares at her with doleful eyes and miaows. She can resist but I wonder for how long. I need to be strong and authoritative and take on the cat in a battle of wills. Unfortunately my track record in this challenge is pretty poor. Jasper usually wins.

The good news is that this time Mrs PM is on my side – I feel therefore that together we can win and turn Jasper into the slimline moggy that he was at a year old. It will be tough though, especially since Christmas is coming, a time when the cats benefit from our own over-indulgence.

With strength, perseverance and a little cunning I can turn our house into a fat-fighting feline boot camp. I will prevail. I will even resort to calling him names; I’ve started already:


Jasper will be thin again. Either that or we’ll have to get a new catflap.


Anonymous said...

Holy cat! Feline hoover...that's a riot! Hopefully Jasper has no clue of the 'holiday' that awaits him!

Plastic Mancunian said...

We've started the regime today - he already suspects something. The other two are laughing.



Pia K said...

Don't forget the exercise regime! Laser pointers are supposedly good and Da Bird feather wand cat toy. Mine are very fond of something resembling a flying butterfly on a wire.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Thanks for the advice. I've heard about laser pointers doing the trick.

I'm tempted to buy a collar and lead and take him for a walk. I think that would be embarrassing for the two of us.



Anonymous said...

All he does is sleep, and the only time he gets up is when he needs food. If Spike did put on weight and still had his appetite I think he would be as big as Jasper, or you could just put him outside again. You should get 'Medieval on his Arse' :-)

Plastic Mancunian said...

Or perhaps I could "nail him to the wall". By the way, if you are "mini PM" what does that make Mikey?


Anonymous said...

Well you could, but I think he'd fight back. Mike can be Tiny PM. Happy New Year :-) Have fun at the ball?

Plastic Mancunian said...

Certainly did.