Tuesday 14 October 2008

Radio Grump FM

At work the other day, a fellow grumpy old man and I were discussing how miserable the world has become. For an instant we both forgot that we were supposed to be being productive, as demanded by our so-called superiors, and ranted about the state of the world and the general feeling of misery. Before I knew it I was ranting about how much Carol Kirkwood’s morning chirpiness annoys me (read about it here) and we both agreed that modern DJ’s should have to pass an IQ test, a humour test and play decent music instead of talking crap.

Another guy who was eaves-dropping suddenly said:

“You two should bloody well start a radio station of your own. Call it Radio Grump FM”.

Everybody laughed at the joke, except me. Why? Because I think that it’s a bloody good idea – and so does my fellow grumpy old man.

Pretty soon we were discussing how we would put the world to rights on our very own radio station.

Gone would be mindless inane chitter-chatter. Instead we would discuss how we would rid the world of everything and everyone that made us grumpy in the first place. Both of us have a list of people we would like to exile to Siberia (if the Russians would allow us to soil their land with people like Jamie Oliver, Vanessa Feltz and Jeremy Kyle) and we both have firm ideas about how we would rid the world of red tape, stupid rules, bad music, awful television, irritating jobsworths and ideas that immediately lower the IQ’s of those who have to partake in them.

But most of all we would love to talk about them to the entire United Kingdom for a start and then, when our country embraces us as national heroes, we would set about conquering the world. I know for a fact that the whole world is irritated by the same ridiculous nonsense that we have to put up with here.

The whole country would be on a high listening to us because, as we solved the world’s problems, we would play decent music on a regular basis.

There would be no rap, hip hop, boy bands, girl bands, dance music, r’n’b, pop music and definitely no reality TV singers. Instead we would play uplifting loud rock music that you could crank up in your car and make a complete arse of yourself to.

Imagine the pleasure of hearing how we would put Tim Westwood in a padded cell and force him to listen to Metallica until he stopped talking with a stupid accent? Imagine your delight as we described a world where it was a crime to be Simon Cowell or Piers Morgan? Imagine our plans to put Victoria Beckham and Paris Hilton on trial in order to make them justify why they think are celebrities worthy of a nanosecond of our attention?

And just imagine what we would dream up for the likes of George W Bush and all those greedy, arrogant and incompetent bankers who have made such a big mess of the world? Imagine putting all the world leaders in the Big Brother house for two years and forcing them to listen to each others awful speeches and lies?

Imagine a world without call centres?

I’ve already selected the first ten songs I would play:

  1. The Pretender – The Foo Fighters

  2. Knights Of Cydonia – Muse

  3. The Immigrant Song – Led Zeppelin

  4. American Idiot – Green Day

  5. Revolution – Judas Priest

  6. Revolution Calling – Queensryche

  7. Brutal Planet – Alice Cooper

  8. The Fight Song – Marilyn Manson

  9. Links 2 3 4 - Rammstein

  10. Stick It Out – Rush

I think its a winner - who's with me?

Of course, I do realise there are people out there who don’t think like me. So in order to allow a reminder of how it used to be, I would allow Carol Kirkwood to read the weather – as long as she was angry about it.


Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, what a riot! Worry not if you happen to lose your job as it sounds like you've got a backup plan! Sneak some Clapton into your musical lineup and I'm there!

Plastic Mancunian said...

Consider it done! "Layla" is in the next ten.




Anonymous said...

So terrestrial radio has gone to crap on the other side of the pond too? All I thought it was just here in the States (where it seems everything ELSE is going to crap now).

BTW, this is the exact reason that I don't listen to radio anymore. Thanks god the car has an iPod input!

Great line of first songs... I'd listen ;)

Plastic Mancunian said...

Here in Manchester we now have a classic rock radio station so things have improved a little. The problem is there is still a little too much talking.

I would be lost without my mp3 player.