Animals

Welcome to a cloudy but bright South Manchester on day 323 of restrictions. We are approaching the year mark with coronavirus and I know that here in England we will be locked down until the end of February at least. Our infection rates are dropping, as you would expect in lockdown but I think we have a while to go yet before things start to drift back to normal. 

At least the worst month of the year is almost over. This time next week it will be February, another bad month, but at least the weather will start to improve and the days will start to get longer. And as long as that is happening my mood will improve (not that it is too bad at the moment despite the circumstances).

So – let’s answer some silly questions from Sunday Stealing, today’s theme being animals.

1.   What is your favourite animal and why?

To be honest, there aren’t many animals that I dislike. I am fascinated by them. In terms of animals that I can keep as a pet, I would have to say dogs and cats. It is difficult for us to keep a dog at the moment because they are quite demanding if you have a full time job, even when working from home. We had dogs when I was a kid and cats too. However, we had to constantly take the dog for a walk – which I used to love doing – but there were times when he had to stay inside while we were all out – and he hated it.

Cats on the other hand are independent and don’t really mind being left alone – in fact sometimes they demand it. As I type, Ziggy is fast asleep on the sofa behind me and I trust he will be there for at least the next hour or two. 

Given that we can’t really have a dog, and that Mrs PM loves cats, we have had cats for the past 20 years. I can’t see us having a dog now – which is a bit of a shame. 

2.   Are people animals? What separates humans from animals?

Yes – of course we are animals. We are intelligent animals but animals nonetheless. Some people talk about humans being above animals because animals are savage, but when you consider some of the things we have done over the centuries, can you really tell the difference?

3.   Which animal is the most dangerous?

Anything that can kill you is dangerous. There are many that I would class as dangerous; snakes, sharks, big cats chief amongst them. Sharks are pretty bad and I think we have to thank our lucky stars that there is no such thing as a land shark. We would all be in trouble.

"I am having a few people for lunch!"

4.   What should you do if a bear approaches you?

I would be shocked because we haven’t had bears in England since medieval times. Consequently, we haven’t had any advice about what to do if confronted by a bear. I would probably just have an embarrassing accident.

5.   Do you like dogs? Why do people call the dog, man’s best friend?

As I said in question (1) I love dogs and dog’s actually generally love me too. Unlike cats, dogs are totally loyal; you become their pack leader so they will stay with you as your trusted friend for as long as you are there for them. 

My old dog Paddy was a beautiful creature who would run beside me in the park when I took him for a walk as a kid. Can you imagine a cat doing that?

Note – it is only possible to herd cats when food is involved. When Ziggy and Star are hungry, they follow me about the house like lost sheep. And when they get their food they simply bugger off to do their cat things, which includes plotting the downfall of humanity.

I know my place.

6.   Do you enjoy going to the zoo? Some people consider zoos to be cruel environments for animals. What do you think?

I must admit I am a bit torn about zoos. I love the opportunity to see wild creatures that I would never normally see, like elephants, lions, tigers, snakes, etc. but I can see the downside. I once went to a zoo that had a huge tiger – I was quite shocked at his size to be honest. All he did was prowl inside his enclosure, unable to be the same creature that he would have been in the wild. I felt quite sorry for him, to be fair.

7.   Where is the best place to see animals in your country? In the world?

It depends what animals you want to see. We don’t have many dangerous creatures in the UK unless you count the Beast of Bodmin Moor or the Loch Ness Monster. 

We have a couple of Safari Parks which allow you to drive through a vast space containing creatures in the wild, which is better than having them cooped up in a zoo. I reckon these are the best places and I believe you get them all over the world. 

8.   Are you a vegetarian? What makes some people give up eating meat?

Absolutely not. I love meat and will continue to eat it. I have spoken to vegetarians and the main reason they give up meat and animal products is because they disagree with killing creatures for food. I can sympathise with it. One of my vegetarian friends put it really quite nicely: “I just can’t bring myself to eat anything that has a face”.

9.   Which animal is most helpful to humans?

I guess you would have to say horses, off the top of my head. They are big strong animals that have been and can be very useful for a variety of things, such as providing transport and strength for things like farming tasks.

10.  If you could be any animal (besides human), which animal would you like to be?

I would be one of those giant tortoises that live for 250 years. Or possibly the Loch Ness Monster. If I were the monster, I would have a lot of fun, I can tell you.

The Plastic Mancunian reincarnating in Scotland. "Hoots Mon! Just call me Nessie!"

11.  Who would win in a fight between a tiger and a lion?

That’s a tough question. They are both big cats and I think that it would be a closely fought contest.

12.  What do you think about hunting animals? Would you like to try it?

I do not like hunting animals for sport. Those trophy hunters who fly to Africa to kill elephants and rhinos just so that they can pose next to the corpses of these magnificent creatures sickens me. Here in the UK we have had to suffer similar arses who rode through the countryside, with an army of dogs, chasing a poor fox. When the dogs catch the poor creature they rip it to shreds. It is inhuman and thankfully was banned in the UK in 2005, although I believe there are posh, rich nobs who want to bring it back. 

To all of these people, I would suggest that they should consider the boot being on the other foot. How would you like to be hunted in the jungle and then shot just so that some arsehole could pose with your corpse? How would you like to be hunted across the fields of England by a pack of dogs and then ripped to shreds when they caught you in front of a baying crowd of arseholes?

Think on; if I become world president, I might just put you through that terror.

13.   Books like “Watership Down” and “Animal Farm” give animals human characteristics like human thoughts or language. Is this how you think animals really are? Or are those really just stories about people?

They are stories about people. I read Animal Farm and found it all a bit strange, if I’m honest. I know the message that George Orwell was trying to portray and it really only applies to humanity.

14.  Some animals are endangered due to illegal poaching. How do you feel about this issue?

I think I covered this a little in question (12). Sometimes these people don’t want to pose next to an elephant to say how great they are at hunting; they want to butcher the elephant for it’s ivory so that they can sell it. I feel exactly the same way about them. Hunters and illegal poachers beware if I become world president.

15.  If we can bring an extinct animal from the past back with genetic engineering, should we do it? Which animals should we bring back?

Dinosaurs – without a shadow of a doubt. I realise that we would suddenly be lower down the food chain but if we could find a huge island that is isolated, why not create our own Jurassic Park? If we did that, I would insist that people wouldn’t visit; instead we would bring them to the public eye using strategically placed cameras scattered throughout the island so that we could observe them. I would just love to see a Tyrannosaurus Rex.   

Top Ten Pink Floyd Songs

It’s been a while since I’ve written a Top Ten post so, for a laugh, and just in time for Christmas, I thought I would share my 10 favourite Pink Floyd songs. After the year I have had I feel the need to do something I enjoy and, though Pink Floyd don’t have anything directly to do with Father Christmas it makes me smile anyway. So here goes:

10. Don’t Leave Me Now (from The Wall)

I’ll start with a very depressing song about the pain of a relationship break up. If you haven’t heard it before, make sure that you’re in a happy mood before hitting the play button. Despite the obvious melancholy, this really is an enjoyable song, particularly when the guitar kicks in at around the 3 minute mark. And you can really feel the mental anguish of the singer as he pours out his pain. It’s depressing but it pushes a weird button in my head whenever I hear it. And yes, I have plenty of weird buttons.

9. Us and Them (from the Dark Side of the Moon)

Talking of weird buttons, this particular song pushes another. I’m not a huge fan of saxophone solos but sometimes they can add a wonderful moment to a song and such is the case with Us and Them. The song just wouldn’t be the same without it.

8. The Great Gig in the Sky (from The Dark Side of the Moon)



There are many amazing things about The Great Gig In The Sky. The opening piano is so atmospheric that I can imagine drifting along on the wind in the sky approaching a sunset. Even better is the amazing vocalist who uses her voice as a musical instrument. It’s one of those rare songs that is so full of emotion that there have been occasions when a tear pops out of my eye.

7. Sorrow (from A Momentary Lapse of Reason)

This is the only song in my top ten not to feature Roger Waters. I think Pink Floyd lost something after he left the band but, having said that, Sorrow is still a great song with a definite epic vibe to it. I particularly like Dave Gilmour’s excellent guitar playing. I hope you agree.

6. Run Like Hell (from The Wall)

Run Like Hell has a very distinctive guitar sound that makes it obvious from the first notes that this is Pink Floyd. It’s not dissimilar in texture to their most famous hit from The Wall, Another Brick in the Wall (Part Two). However, the upbeat nature of the song gives it the edge, for me, over it’s more famous counterpart.

5. Time (from The Dark Side of the Moon)

I can really relate to this song because ultimately it is about wasting time and not realising that time is running out for all of us and it contains some of my favourite lyrics in a Pink Floyd song, lyrics that epitomise my struggle with procrastination:

And then you find, ten years have got behind you. 

No one told you when you run; you missed the starting gun.

The sun is the same in a relative way but you’re older

Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. 

The time is gone, the song is over; thought I’d something more to say

4. One of These Days (from Meddle)

What makes this song great is the bass line that dominates the song almost from the very beginning. I remember when I first heard this song and I remarked that it was a Pink Floyd song you could actually dance to. I proved this one time at a student house party way back in the 80s when the host popped on a mix tape and, fuelled with a fair amount of red wine, I managed to find a space amongst the crowd where I could strut my funky stuff. At least a couple of people agreed with me and joined me in making a complete arse of myself. Happy days.

3. Money (from The Dark Side of the Moon)

Money is a song about greed and is yet another song featuring a decent saxophone solo that enhances its appeal, but that isn’t the best part. I love the key change and the amazing Dave Gilmour guitar solo in the middle of the song.

2. Comfortably Numb (from The Wall)

This song almost made it to number one. In my opinion it is the pivotal track on the Wall. Again it features an amazing guitar solo by Dave Gilmour. A word of warning – Scissor Sisters covered this song and utterly destroyed it. Mrs PM loves their version of the song even though I reiterate time and again that it is an abomination spawned in Hell itself. Don’t ever listen to it. It’s absolutely dreadful.

1. Sheep (from Animals)

It’s quite amazing that any band could write a ten minute song about sheep but that’s exactly what Pink Floyd did. Worse, it’s not really about chewing grass in a field – it’s much more disturbing than that – and I love that. Even better, the song is just amazing with one of my all time favourite guitar pieces at the very end of the song.

And Finally

That’s all folks.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and I hope Father Christmas brings you everything you want.

Adopt a Plastic Mancunian

Dogs cannot write or speak. Neither can donkeys, cats or meerkats.

Why am I stating the obvious?

There are many people in the world who love animals. I, too, am an animal lover, particularly cats and dogs.

Nevertheless, I don’t quite understand the philosophy behind the concept of animal adoption. I’m not talking about going to the Cat Protection League to give a cat a good home; or a trip to the Dog Pound to adopt a stray dog.

I’m talking about the concept of adopting a wild animal that you rarely if ever get to meet for a monthly fee.

I’m not stupid enough to consider the alternative, for example, letting a tiger rampage through you house (though I think Liquorice would give a tiger a good run for its money). I’m talking about these “packs” you can get to adopt, say, a meerkat or another animal you would never consider having as a pet.

The idea is that you pay a certain amount of money a month and you get to adopt the animal concerned. You only get to meet the little creature if you spend an absolutely whopping amount of money per month otherwise you and up with little more than a photo and your name listed somewhere.

Even funnier is the promise that your animal will write you a letter. Can you imagine a dog trying to write a letter or type something?

I smell a rat – I reckon the letter part is made up.

Some people have likened me to a wild animal (or at least a dumb one). So what do you think of a plan to “Adopt a Plastic Mancunian”?

Do you think that might catch on?

Based on what I’ve read, I reckon there might be some mileage in trying to get people to “adopt” me.

Can I try an advert for this service on you, dear reader? Will there be anybody who would fall for this?


Meet Dave! As far as Plastic Mancunians are concerned, this is a really weird specimen. He is a bit old and decrepit but his heart is in the right place and he is forever scurrying around, making strange bleating and growling sounds. 


His daily routine is utterly predictable and he can actually perform tricks when requested. He loves a pint of beer and can be seen scampering between his den and the beer trough occasionally. He is also hard working and comical (well a lot of people laugh at him anyway).


His thick pelt is mainly located on his large misshapen head and in the morning you might be forgiven for mistaking him for a ball of straw. A quick dunk in water usually does the trick and he begins to actually look vaguely human. 


Overall we think you may find him a pleasant little creature, predicable and grumpy, yes, but interesting enough to amuse you if you push the right buttons.


Would you like to adopt Dave the Plastic Mancunian?


For a monthly fee of £400 we will send you an adoption folder consisting of:

• A certificate
• A photograph (we will make sure we provide one that doesn’t scare your children)
• A copy of his birth certificate – with the date changed to make him seem younger.
• A weekly letter 
• Your name listed on “The Plastic Mancunian” blog.

What will you £400 be sent on? 


Dave is broke and would love to be released into the wild. Your monthly fee will provide:

• Food in the nicest restaurants in Manchester
• Beer (you should see his little face when we give him a pint of beer)
• Clothes (the ones he wears at the moment are fashionable – if you live in the year 1956)

The remainder of the fee will be put into a bank and ultimately will be spent on a round the world airline ticket as well as hotel fees and excursions to allow little Dave to see as much of the world as possible. 


Adopt now – make a Plastic Mancunian happy.

Do you think it will work? 

If you are tempted, please let me know – and I promise you one thing – you don’t actually have to meet me. 

That would be a little TOO much to bear.

And I promise I will write you a letter – it will appear on this blog (the fact that others may see it is irrelevant – I will address it personally to you – honestly).

How can you resist these photos?

On second thoughts - don't answer that question!!!