I’ve often wondered why people have a Bucket List, i.e. a
list of things that you must do before you “kick the bucket”.
Personally, I’ve never been interested in making such a
list; all I want to do is get lots of money, travel the world, then grow old and
start annoying people by ranting incessantly.
Actually, it would be nice to have a fun bucket list rather
than doing the things that most people want to do.
With that in mind, here is an alternative bucket list based
on a little bit of a conversation with Mr Google and elements of my own sordid
imagination. Some of the items below are stolen – others are from my own weird
mind.
(1) Change your name to something utterly ridiculous
like “Dirk Prawn” or “Mitt Macaroni” or (and this is bad) “Plastic Mancunian”.
(2) Get revenge on all of those Jehovah’s Witnesses
who called at your house, by dressing up as the Pope and then calling at THEIR
houses and trying to convert them to Roman Catholicism. (NOTE - I have to say I
actually enjoy chatting to Jehovah’s Witnesses on my doorstep, just to see how
far they will go to convince me that I should convert to their cause).
(3) Write an entire album of songs that are utter
garbage and then record it using your own voice as each individual band
instrument. Call the album something that is inspired by the most cringeworthy
of pseudo-intellectual arty-fartiness (for example “Philiosophical Pornography”) and make each song about Simon Cowell (for example “Cowell is my Cyberman”).
Finally, send the album to Simon Cowell himself in a big box weighed down with bricks
and with no postage. Call yourself a strange name like “The Artist Formerly
Known As Pfftt!”.
(4) Walk into a pub and find the oldest person of
the opposite sex – and then ask that person to marry you.
(5) Write an autobiography that is full of utter
lies, taking credit for most of the historical events within your lifetime. Who
knows? Somebody might find it in 300 years’ time and think that some geezer
called “Plastic Mancunian” was the Prince of Wales.
(6) Act exactly like you did when you went through
puberty; march into work and scream “nobody understands me” or “everybody hates
me”; dress in ridiculous fashion like baggy-arsed jeans and start talking in a
weird form of English while making stupid hand signals and rapping.
(7) Go to a musical that you hate and stand up in
the main song and start singing “The Ace of Spades” by Motorhead at the top of
your voice.
(8) Dress up as Darth Vader and walk around stopping
random people and ask them if their name is Luke. Alternatively, dress up King
Leonidas and stop random people shouting “THIS IS SPARTA!!!”.
(9) Dress up as a vampire and go night clubbing. Ask
every member of the opposite sex what blood type they are and if anyone tells
you, shake your head with the words “Shame! I only drink type O”
(10) Get into a lift at the bottom of a very tall
building, wait until it is full, and then press every button before running
out. Run up the stairs and meet the lift on each floor, shouting “BOO!” when
the doors open.
(11) Gate-crash a fashion show, and walk down the
catwalk dressed in your most unfashionable clothes.
(12) Ask somebody really famous to marry you.
(13) Wait until the next general election and print
thousands of flyers promoting yourself as a candidate for a ridiculous party,
like the Chimpanzee Democrat Party (dressing up as a chimp for the picture of
course).
(14) Sell yourself on eBay.
(15) Go to a Star Trek convention dressed as Dr Who
and start complaining to anybody who will listen to you that Star Trek is mad
fiction.
(16)Dress up in suit of armour and attempt to check
in on a flight.
(17) Give random members of the opposite sex your
phone number and say “Call me” while looking seductive.
(18) Dress up as Batman or Spiderman and fly to another
country.
(19) Buy a parrot and teach it to say “Help! I’ve
been turned into a parrot!”
(20) Run into the middle of a crowd, wearing totally
dishevelled clothing, and ask what year it is. When somebody answers, scream “IT
WORKED!!!” and run away.
Actually, in the course of my research for this post, I came
across quite a few real bucket lists. So over the next week or so – until my
holiday to Spain – I will run through one such list and let you know what I
think.
Bet you can’t wait.
In the meantime, it’s probably wise not to try any of the
above items – unless you are a little weird. But if you do, let me know and I
will watch from afar, armed with a camera and a video camera.
