Guilty Pleasures (Part Two)

Its confession time again, dear reader.

I feel that I can now exorcise those demons within that force me to like songs by artists whose very countenance makes me physically ill. Actually, that’s not quite true because some of the artists are quite good in their own peculiar way.

So, without further ado, I present to you another selection of songs that people may think are well off my radar because they don’t sail in the sea of rock.

To be honest, one or two of the artists below should be locked up in a massive space ship and propelled to the furthest reaches of the galaxy to avoid contaminating my ears any longer – yet each one has produced one gem amongst their portfolio of musical manure and that, dear reader, is probably enough to save them.

It is time for part two of my GUILTY PLEASURES and yet another opportunity for me to embarrass myself for your reading displeasure.

Republica – Ready To Go

To be honest, I would never condemn Republica to an eternity in a space ship because deep down I actually like them, so much so that I own two albums by them. This song is an absolute gem and I love it. And yes, you have guessed it, I have strutted my funky stuff to it in front of a lot of strangers and a very ashamed Mrs PM. Besides, the singer, Saffron, floats my boat.

The Tubes – White Punks On Dope

Don’t ask me why but I love this tune. I’ve not heard anything else by the band - perhaps I should explore their back catalogue. The song is funny, controversial, weird and punky enough to sit comfortably within my musical taste. If you get the chance, have a look for a live performance of this song by the band on YouTube – the lead singer is a sight to behold.

Hazel O’Connor – Will You?

I am sorry to confess that this is another song that brings the odd tear to my eye. The song comes from a film called Breaking Glass from the late 1970’s, which was not that good but featured one or two good songs, including the excellent (if not a little odd) Eighth Day (also by Hazel O’Connor).

The Smiths – How Soon Is Now

The Smiths remain one of the most overrated bands of the past few decades and I stand by that statement. I am often criticised for this view by people who regard them as legendary. I simply don’t get them at all. Nevertheless, How Soon Is Now is a great song, which leads me to believe that there was a modicum of talent in there somewhere.

I have one claim to fame as far as The Smiths are concerned.

My eldest son was being christened at the same time as another little baby girl. We had to turn up at the church the day before the ceremony to talk about where we were meant to stand, what to say and all of the other nonsense that goes with such pomp. I met the father of the baby girl and spent a good fifteen minutes chatting to him. He told me that he was a musician but didn’t elaborate.

He was Mike Joyce, the drummer of the Smiths. I only discovered who he was a couple of months after the ceremony.

I probably wouldn’t have told him that the bands’ music was dull and uninspiring – but I would have been thinking it.

The J Geils Band – Centrefold

I apologise in advance for this one. When it was released it annoyed the hell out of a lot of my friends and I didn’t admit that I liked it for a long time for fear of being ridiculed mercilessly. I don’t know why I like it – I just do. It’s catchy and fun – even though some might say it is totally irritating.

Yello – The Race

My (ex) wife W hated The Race, particularly when I sang along with it and hummed along to the tune. I used to play this song over and over again. I absolutely loved it – I still do.

I’m attacking the illusion but the stopping drives me mad.

T’Pau – Monkey House

Yes – I admit it. I liked T’Pau. Their first album, Bridge of Spies, is a bit of a classic in my view and I won’t hear a word against it. The second album was a disappointment, which was a shame. Monkey House is the best song from the first album – a modest little rocker that packs a nice little punch – and it’s much better than the dreary China In Your Hand.

Ricky Martin – Livin’ La Vida Loca

This is possibly the most dangerous song in the list. I imagine that I will get a lot of stick for admitting that I love this song. I can’t help it. To be honest I am willing to bet that you, dear reader, also secretly love Livin’ La Vida Loca. Come on admit it.

Kylie Minogue – I Can’t Get You Out Of My Head

Actually, I take that back – this song is definitely the most dangerous one on the list.

Kylie Minogue is typical of everything I hate about modern chart music, manufactured by old geezers, like Pete Waterman and Simon Cowell, and targeted at people with no imagination whatsoever. I have spent many hours pontificating about the dreadful state of music and the fact that we are being force fed manufactured bilge on a daily basis.

It may therefore come as a surprise to you that I actually like this song. I am willing to admit that once in a blue moon that such a song might actually be worthy of more than a passing rant.

Besides, Kylie looks quite tasty in the video.

Mark Ronson – God Put a Smile Upon Your Face

The original version of this song by Coldplay is one of my favourite pop songs in recent years. Mrs PM bought Mark Ronson’s album of covers and I dismissed it as novelty pap. She played the CD and this song popped out immediately. I had to eat my words because it is a different and very enjoyable version of a classic pop song.

Primal Scream – Rocks

I’ve never been a fan of Primal Scream – I’ve always considered them to be overrated. Like the Smiths, however, they have produced the odd little gem, and this song is the best of them.

Primal Scream have staying power – I’ll give them that.

Shakespears Sister – Hello (Turn Your Radio On)

Picture the scene – I have been woken up by a screaming baby at three o’clock in the morning and am desperate to get him to sleep. I have walked around the house with him, talked gently to him but my efforts have been in vain. In a last ditch attempt I sit down and put on a CD. It is Hormonally Yours by Shakepears Sister and belongs to my (ex) wife W. I love this song so I sing it to my screaming son, rocking him gently. As the words pour forth, he gradually starts to close his eyes and fall asleep. I watch him while still listening to this fabulous song. A tear of joy rolls down my face. And now, almost eighteen years later, a tear is rolling down my cheek as I listen to the song again.

Well that just about wraps it up – for a while at least. I have definitely revealed too much this time.

And I’m still willing to hear your guilty pleasures, dear reader. I won’t tell – honestly!

Come on – you know you want to.

Guilty Pleasures (Part One)

Regular readers of the bilge I write will know that I am a huge fan of heavy metal and that I spit in the face of dreadful music.

I have occasionally been unlucky enough to catch snippets of shows like The X Factor and have been almost at the point of tears, mourning the future of music as a bunch of lame karaoke singers try to perform dreadful versions of awful songs. The audience figures indicate that millions of people watch this appalling programme and these same people contribute to coffers of the producers of the show, making them millionaires as they slowly destroy music.

If I had the power I would change things. Sadly I don’t and it breaks my heart.

Nevertheless, let me get to the point of this post. The attack you have just read was a ranting diversion but it does lead me gently into a confession that shames me.

I curse certain artists and styles of music but there are some songs by these artists that I actually like.

I can almost hear you screaming at the monitor, dear reader:

“You bloody pseudo-Mancunian hypocrite!!! How VERY DARE YOU!!”

I am ashamed. There – I’ve said it. Every fibre of my being screams at me, saying “NO!! Don’t listen to these songs.”

But I can’t help it, dear reader – they are GUILTY PLEASURES.

I am baring my soul here in the hope that I can annihilate this affliction and move on.

Here are 10 songs that, deep down, I actually enjoy. To be fair, I genuinely like some of the artists and they are quite welcome to continue making music with my blessing (though I don’t necessarily promise to like it). However, some of the artists should be sent to prison for crimes against music – that is apart from the songs listed below.

I invite you, dear reader, to click on the links and judge for yourself.

Please take the time to do this and then, if you wish, comment telling me what a musical Nazi I am and that I should just shut up – or alternatively recommend a good therapist.

The B52’s - Love Shack

Actually I wouldn’t condemn The B52’s to eternal punishment for crimes against music - because I like another song by them – the brilliant Rock Lobster . Love Shack gets the nod over Rock Lobster in this list because it brings back lots of memories a drunk Plastic Mancunian strutting his funky stuff on the dance floor in his youth, trying to impress armies of gorgeous young beauties, but only succeeding in scaring all of them off (or rendering them hysterical with laughter).

Robbie Williams – Let Me Entertain You

I detest Take That with a passion. I detest everything they stand for musically. They are one of the progenitors of the “boy band” phenomenon that still infects modern music today. If it weren’t for Take That we wouldn’t have Westlife, Boyzone and other similar vomit-inducing bilge that young girls and grannies hurl their knickers at. However, Robbie Williams has proved to me that members of such bands can produce great music. Let Me Entertain You is a beauty of a song that I absolutely love. It has catapulted Robbie Williams onto my mp3 player along with at least a dozen other songs. Yes, dear reader, I like Robbie Williams – although now he rejoined Take That, I am reconsidering my position.

The Bangles - Walk Like an Egyptian

Yes – I do fancy the Bangles, particularly Susanna Hoffs. That has nothing to do with the reason I love this song though. It is a genuinely fun-packed little tune that pushes the button in my head labelled Don’t Push This Button – It Will Turn Dave Into An Embarrassing Arse! And yes, dear reader, of course I have walked like an Egyptian (much too often).

David Cassidy – How Can I Be Sure?

My younger sister had a major crush on David Cassidy and he became my nemesis in the early 70’s. I hated his music. Every time I saw his face I felt like puking up my guts. This song, however, is a masterpiece and so alien to my musical taste that you probably cannot fathom why I like it. To be honest neither can I. But it’s worse than that – I actually well up when I hear the song – it’s so good. How embarrassing!! My sister would ridicule me mercilessly if she found out. Please don’t tell her. My reputation as a music connoisseur will be shattered. I’m depending on you, dear reader.

Spandau Ballet – Instinction

What the hell does Stealing cake to eat the moon mean? Spandau Ballet remind me of the time at university when a woman vaporised my heart. I still can’t listen to True to this day because of her. Whenever I hear the words, I cringe inwardly and want the ground to swallow me up. For that alone, Spandau Ballet deserve to be roasted in Satan’s hotpot for all of eternity. Nevertheless, Instinction more than makes up for it and that will save them from becoming lunch in Hell. Embarrassingly, at a wedding, in the late 80’s the DJ popped this song on and I did my “Mad Dad” dance to it, prompting people to seriously question my musical taste and my sanity.

The Osmonds – Crazy Horses

Donny Osmond ranked even below David Cassidy in the 70’s. My sister loved him. I hated him. I wanted to break things when I heard his reedy voice warbling Puppy Love. Yet even this musical low life has redeemed himself, simply by having a bunch of brothers who produced one of the classic songs of the 70’s - and even included him in the band. Crazy Horses is a terrific little rocker and I don’t mind admitting that I love it.

Abba – So Long

I would never dream of dismissing Abba. As a child, I loved them and I am openly willing to defend them. Their music doesn’t conform to my taste these days but I simply cannot forget their contribution to my youth. Besides, how could I dream of cursing a band containing the most gorgeous pop star of that decade. I am talking about Agnetha, of course. I had a major, major, major crush on her. Of all the songs they wrote, So Long is by far their best. Purists may once again question my judgement – I don’t care one jot. And just look at the video - very, very nice.

Duran Duran – Ordinary World

In the 80’s my youngest sister was in love with Duran Duran and I claimed that they drove me up the wall. I have to confess that I did secretly like a few of their songs but I would never have admitted it least of all to my sister. It was only later on that I confessed to liking this song in particular. It is a beautiful song and I defy anybody to disagree.

Richard Marx – Hazard

I hate music by singers like Michael Bolton and other purveyors of sentimental AOR bilge and when I heard Richard Marx’s first big single Right Here Waiting For You I despised it with venom. A couple of years later, he released Hazard and I was flabbergasted. It is a beautiful and very sad AOR ballad that I never thought I would like. Lyrically it is wonderful and is yet another song that sadly makes me blub like a baby. Don’t tell anybody.

Well that’s enough for now, dear reader. Tell me your guilty pleasures if you feel up to it. We're bonding here and I feel you can lift a weight off your shoulders.

From my perspective, I must admit that confession really is good for the soul and I have a few more musical guilty pleasures to share with you soon – just as soon as I have recovered from the fact that you now think I like David Cassidy.

The King of Pop - Top Ten Michael Jackson Songs

It’s just over a year since Michael Jackson died, so I was wondering whether it is safe to talk about him yet. There are a lot of people out there who believe that he was some kind of messiah and won’t hear a word said against him.

Do you want my opinion?

I think that Michael Jackson was an absolute nutter ... and at the same time a genius.

I don’t want to dwell on his controversial life because I don’t know the detail – it is largely speculation anyway. I do know that he transmuted from a normal black guy into a weird caricature of his former self.

Ultimately I felt sorry for him – I still do. Why? Because he was such a talented artist, deserving the title “The King of Pop”. He could write, sing and was a terrific dancer.

This post is a sort of tribute to the best thing about Michael Jackson – his music. Like everybody my age or thereabouts, Michael’s songs pepper my life, the words and notes reminding me of key episodes in existence – particularly the early material.

I therefore present to you, dear reader, my favourite Michael Jackson songs, which may surprise those who think I am a blinkered heavy metal heathen with tunnel vision and dreadful taste in music.

I actually do like a fair few songs by the King of Pop.

(10) Bad – My wedding was a superb day but also an uncomfortable day. I was the centre of attention and way out of my comfort zone. Through the whole day, I was pursued, along with my ex-wife, by relatives, friends, strangers and a very dogged and determined video cameraman. Everywhere I turned there was a video lens poking in my face; at one point I tried to move away and hide at the edge of the dance floor, which was as stupid as it was pointless because lots of people wanted me to dance. The song blaring in the background at this point was “Bad” and when I look at the video now and see a very young Plastic Mancunian (aged 25) I can only laugh at my embarrassment and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I wasn’t “Bad” at all – just lost like a fish out of water.

(9) Leave Me Alone – There is something about this song that I really like and it is not just the funny self-deprecating video. At the time, the press was full of all sorts of bizarre stories about Michael Jackson and I applauded him for appearing to take on his critics, even if perhaps there was an element of truth in the weird accusations.

(8) Don’t Stop ‘til You Get Enough – Before I fell in love with heavy metal and rock music, I was a fan of seventies disco music (please don’t laugh – I am baring my soul here). My sister was a huge fan of “Off The Wall” and bought the album mainly to compete with my loud headbanging music – we had competitions with music played at increasing volumes in our respective rooms. We must have driven our parents nuts. However, when she played “Off The Wall” I used to turn the volume in my room down just to listen to “Don’t Stop ‘til You Get Enough” because it reminded me of the music I liked a few years earlier. Please don’t tell my sister.

(7) Billie Jean – My university was dominated by superb pop music. I spent a lot of the time prowling around pubs and clubs in search of a girlfriend and became enthralled by the most popular music around. Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” was ubiquitous and top of the pile in terms of air play was “Billie Jean”. Every single night club and dance floor was serenaded by the cries of “Billie Jean’s not my lover” and, keen to attract the attention of fair maidens, I tried foolishly to moonwalk while singing the lyrics. Instead of looking like the King of Pop I was more like the King of Plop, resembling a total arse as I drunkenly wobbled around with a twisted impression of Michael Jackson that, I imagine, made women run a mile.

(6) The Way You Make Me Feel – I simply love this song and have made a complete arse of myself dancing to it on many occasions. It is a great pop song that makes my pathetic dancing feet twitch even today. You can imagine what I must look like these days trying to strut my funky stuff to this – that’s right – I look like a middle-aged bag of angry badgers. I must confess, though, that I love the woman in the video. Nice.

(5) Thriller - I will never forget the day I first saw the video for Thriller. We had been to the pub on a Friday night and had returned with fists full of fish and chips. As usual we congregated around the TV hoping to kill some time watching crap TV. We turned on Channel Four just in time to see the first showing of Thriller. For the first two minutes of the video we howled with laughter at Michael Jackson saying “you know I’m not like other guys”. We were merciless – “Yes we know that!” What wags we were. And then we all, as one, dropped our half-eaten chips on the floor, in total shock as the King of Pop turned into a monstrous werewolf. We paused only long enough to laugh when the werewolf knocked over a tree and watched the rest of the video in total silence, plucking our chips off the floor and eating them like popcorn. At the end of the video we applauded citing the video as the greatest music video we had ever seen. In fact, it still sends shivers down my spine today – the song’s pretty good too.

(4) Dirty Diana – Occasionally, Michael Jackson has produced a minor gem and in my opinion, “Dirty Diana” is just that because, not only is it a great pop song, it is tinged with menace and has a mean guitar to give it a harder and rockier edge. I have been known to play my air guitar to this song, again making myself look like a total pillock in front of friends and strangers, all of whom have subsequently denied all knowledge of knowing me.

(3) Can You Feel It – Can you feel it indeed. This song still gives me goosebumps, reminding me of when dance music was actually quite good and not the utter bilge it devolved into. Michael Jackson and his brothers produced a classic here and it still stands the test of time. And yes – you’ve guessed it – I have caused much amusement wobbling drunkenly in vague time to this song – too many times to mention.

(2) Beat It – Like “Dirty Diana”, this is a fabulous pop song with a terrific harder edge and featuring a wonderful bit of guitar work from Eddie Van Halen. During my early years at university, I played air guitar to this in my room, in the pub, in night clubs and on the street. Actually that last one isn’t true. “Beat It” represents my finest memories at university and whenever I hear it, my mind is transported back to those fabulous times, when I was a young buffoon fumbling his way through life (as opposed to the old buffoon I am now).

(1) Earth Song – Casting aside the messianic images in the video, and ignoring the fact that Michael Jackson at this point was becoming a bit of joke, I regard “Earth Song” as a musical masterpiece. When I first heard it I was dumbstruck. It is simply beautiful and is one of those few songs that brings tears to my eyes. This was the last great song he performed.

Well folks, that’s it. I hope you agree with my choices.

Farewell Michael – sorry its a year late.

I am certain that I will be embarrassing those around me, trying to emulate your fantastic dancing skills in future . Try not to laugh – I can’t help being a talentless, malcoordinated bucket of arse.

100 Pop Songs (1 to 10)

These songs are in no particular order (other than vaguely chronological).

(1) The Beach Boys – Good Vibrations

Aged four, my critical appreciation of music was limited but something about the song appealed to me even in my infancy. I’ve listened to the song many times over the years and it still appeals even now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEGmd-3Gg-s

(2) David Bowie – See Emily Play

David Bowie released and album of cover versions called “Pin Ups”. It is a superb album and
the cover of Pink Floyd’s “See Emily Play” is the best song on it. It may seem strange but I regard this as the definitive version, simply because it was decades before I heard the original version by Syd Barrett’s Pink Floyd and, although I hate to say this, Bowie’s version is superior.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yykP24h_sVE

(3) Ike and Tina Turner – Nutbush City Limits

The first time I heard “Nutbush City Limits” was in 1973 when it appeared on the Top 20 countdown. My dad hated it and it was the first time I began to exhibit signs of musical independence from him as he tried to saturate my musical taste with his rock and roll and country and western.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipOz_k9zvzo

(4) The Sweet – Block Buster!

The first song I really loved, the song that I wanted to play over and over again was the exceptional “Block Buster!” by the Sweet. I remember when my two sisters and I heard it for the first time in 1973. All three of us loved it; it appeared to be a pop song that transcended the girl/boy cultural pop music divide. The elder of my two sisters, and I used to wander around the house singing Buster Buster Block Buster usually instigated by me being the elder child. My parents hated it and my dad in particular must have exercised monumental control every time it appeared on the Top 20 countdown.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WgiDINcZ-q4

(5) Mud – Tiger Feet

A mate, who was a few years older than me at the time, taught me how to dance to “Tiger Feet”. At the time I felt a right pillock and thought that I was being taken for a ride. However, when I saw the song recently on a repeat of “Top Of The Pops” I realised that he had got the dance spot on. And the sad thing is I can still do it – but before you ask, I’m not going to.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFHxPyUd-hc

(6) The Sparks – This Town Ain’t Big Enough For The Both Of Us

I loved this song and it goes down in history as the first one I played air guitar to as a kid. How embarrassing …

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ax8JYmoRhy4

(7) Bruce Springsteen – She’s The One

Bruce Springsteen is a legend and before he achieved massive commercial success worldwide he released a superb album called “Darkness On The Edge Of Town”. This is the best track from that album and my favourite by “The Boss”

(8) Supertramp – A Soapbox Opera

“A Soapbox Opera” is a song that quite literally brings tears to my eyes. The thing is I don’t actually know why. It is full of atmosphere and plays my heartstrings like a manic rock guitarist would. Roger Hodgson’s voice is tinged with sadness as he delivers the words and this feeling is transferred to the listener untainted.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OypGg5qTW8E

(9) Elton John – Pinball Wizard

If you’ve ever watched “Tommy”, the Who’s magnificent rock opera, you will know that one of the most memorable scenes is the pinball contest between Tommy, the deaf, dumb and blind kid, and the Pinball Wizard, played of course by Elton John. The scene is spectacular but the music is out of this world.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHxpy7O004s

(10) John Miles – Music

“Music” was my favourite pop song of the seventies for a couple of years after its release and I’m glad to say that it still stands strong even today. It reminds me of a time when you could actually blend styles and produce a heavenly and powerful song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FaMApWem9RM

11 to 20 to follow ...