Guide To Life - Religion

I’m a little puzzled by religion, if I am brutally honest.

I was brought up a Catholic. I was baptised in a Catholic church at a time when I had no say in the matter. In fact I may have screamed as the Holy Water hit my forehead, which some people might have considered a bad thing – after all, don’t vampires scream when you throw Holy Water at them?

I had to endure confession, when I was a child and found myself struggling not to laugh as I lied to the priest about my sins simply because I couldn’t think of what I had done that was wrong. My penance was to say the “Our Father” and “Hail Mary” multiple times – there’s a lot of trust in this punishment because you can simply just sit there and think about what you are having for dinner tonight rather than reciting prayers.

First communion was strange too because I was a child and was offered bread dipped in wine – although initially I don’t think wine was involved because we were all underage.

I then acquired a new name as I was confirmed. I chose John because it was common – not because I admired John the Baptist as I told the priest when asked (another lie).

None of this made me a better person. Worse, there was no proof that any of the teachings I was indoctrinated with were actually true or based on fact. I started to realise that the teachings of the Bible were in fact rather contradictory, which is no surprise when you think about it.

The word of God was written by man and of course, as we all know, man has the uncanny ability to exaggerate to prove a point – I do it on this blog all the time. If you think about it, the Bible has been translated numerous times and even reinterpreted and modernised so some of the stories, as fascinating as they are, are bound to be enhanced for dramatic affect.

My scientific mind has been questioning the logic of what I was taught ever since I was a teenager and I have a relatively clear picture in my mind.

Some of the stories in the Bible basically teach us to be good to each other and not be arses. Whether you believe all of the amazing things that Jesus did is up to you. It’s a stretch to believe that he could turn water into wine, cure leprosy and raise a man from the dead but the words he supposedly spoke and his deeds are worthy of consideration.

I am therefore not anti-religion, despite my mockery of it.

On the contrary, if it makes people happy then I’m all for it. If you are a person who can made happier by spending an hour in church every Sunday praying to God and as a result feel a deep sense of fulfilment and happiness then that’s terrific.

The same goes for other religions too. For example, I have known Muslims who are lovely people and pop off to pray at regular intervals during the day and worship at their mosque. I know Sikhs and Hindus who are content with their religion and happier because of it.

If your religion can make you happy then that’s a beautiful thing.

What I don’t like, though, is when religion is used as an excuse to cause harm. Over the years, I have seen this happen many times. People who look down on me because I am a Catholic, for example. People who actually prefer to mock me for confessing my sins to an “old man in a frock” (their words not mine) are not helping anybody – especially themselves.

Worse, there are those who actually harm people in the name of religion because their views are different. This has happened throughout history and is happening right now.

Aren’t we all past that?

Most if not all religions are peaceful and promote moral ideologies. Yet there are people who interpret the teachings of their religion in a way that suits their twisted minds, even in some cases, harming people with supposedly the same religion, just a slightly different flavour.

And I am not singling out Islam here, by the way – Christianity has a bloody history of doing exactly the same.

The bottom line is that religion, if you choose to believe, should make you a better person, eager to promote happiness and a willingness to help others. It should make you happy in your own belief and if you can turn to it in a moment of despair for comfort and security then that is fantastic.

When religion promotes peace, happiness and prosperity then it is a good thing.

If it is used to oppress and harm people then it is a bad thing and people who use religion to exploit and harm others are using religion nefariously.

By the way, I do not count Scientology as a religion and that is a prime example of how a so-called religion has been used to control and exploit people. It is the opposite of what a religion should be.

I’ll just finish by telling you all that I haven’t been a practising Catholic for almost forty years. I wonder what I would say to a priest in a confessional booth? And how long would I be in there?

I’ll leave you with a joke by the late great Dave Allen. Like me, he was a Catholic and courted controversy with his jokes about religion. Here is one of them:

If you can’t laugh at religion then there is something wrong. I like to think that God has a sense of humour.

A Confession

My dearest darling Mrs PM,

I hope your trip away is going well.

The cats are missing you – well they were until about five minutes ago, but I will explain that.

You see, I have a confession to make. I’ve had a little accident. I was going to ring you to tell you in person but unfortunately I’ve lost my mobile phone and there is something wrong with the landline.

I’ve spilled some red wine on your brand new white sheepskin rug. I know that you are going to be very angry about it because I appreciate that it cost a lot of money but I think that when I explain how I managed to spill wine on the rug you will understand.

You see, the cat was on fire and red wine was the only liquid available.

I’ve told you that Jasper is too fat and, consequently, too slow so it was no surprise to me that he couldn’t escape quickly enough when the kitchen exploded.


Poppy, your dearest other cat, is svelte and fast and managed to race out of the cat flap as if the hounds of hell themselves were on her tail. At least I hope that’s what happened, though the more I think of it, there wasn’t a cat-shaped hole in the back door was there?

Sadly, Jasper was too slow and the explosion blew him through the newly created hole in the wall and into the lounge. I’ve told you he needs to eat less but you never listen to me.

The cat did his best to avoid me as I chased him around the lounge with the red wine. Have you ever tried to throw red wine on a blazing cat when you are off your head on LSD and cocaine and with half a bottle of vodka and a crazy amount of absinthe in your system? It’s bloody difficult, I can tell you. That’s why there’s red wine over the what's left of walls and settee as well.


Thankfully, the wall through which Jasper flew so gracefully was large enough to accommodate me as I flew through the air with him when the explosion took place.

I was sure that when I put that pizza in the oven I had lit the gas; I wondered why, an hour later, it still hadn’t cooked. It was only when I struck the match to check whether the oven was alight that I realised my mistake. As Jasper and I flew through the lounge wall like two graceful birds, it occurred to me that perhaps I should have checked the pizza sooner, which was bloody annoying since the explosion nuked the pizza - and I'm bloody ravenous and I haven't got a kitchen to cook another pizza.


Fancy forgetting the pizza! I simply can’t help it, my sweet; I’m getting old you see. And the drugs and drink don’t help. When I arrived home an hour ago, I had been out on a massive bender, mixing drugs, drink and debauchery on a wonderful night out. It’s only when you are away, my dear, that I get the chance to let my hair down with the lads.

I didn’t mean to get so drunk; absinthe is lethal I can tell you – it makes you see things. In fact, I mistook a police car for an alien and threw several bricks at it, only realising my mistake when it crashed into a wall. I managed to get away, thankfully, although the policemen seemed very angry as they were chasing me through the streets.

Actually, come to think of it – that must have been when I lost my wallet with all of my money and cards in it.


I’m sure I had it when the brick went through the police car windscreen and hit the officer in the passenger seat. That’s a major blow because it contained around £3000 of my money.

Well, when I say “my” money, I really mean “your” money. You see I withdrew the cash from your bank account. Why? Because I’d run out of my own cash and drugs cost a fortune. My overdraft is only so big. I hope you don't mind.

Hang on – I’ve just got an email.

That’s great – I now know where my mobile phone is. I left it with Big Betty, that prostitute I met at the pub. She says I can pick it up at her pad – and that she may give me a gift. I wonder what she means?

Anyway, I’d better go, because the kitchen and lounge are a complete mess. I think I’ve managed to put the fire out but I can still hear and smell gas. Also, the police and fire brigade are here.

Oh dear!! I recognise that policeman and he recognises me too – it’s the one I hit with a brick. Hang on while I take the laptop upstairs and barricade myself in the bedroom.

There, that’s better. I’ve got the air rifle to defend myself when they break down the door. The policeman is shouting “You’re going down!!!” I wonder what he means?



When you return, I think you had better stay in a hotel for a while as I don’t think I’ll be able to clean up the mess in time. If you want to visit me, I will almost certainly be enjoying the hospitality of Her Majesty’s constabulary. I’m sure the visiting hours are reasonable.

Do you know a good lawyer by the way?

Missing you,

Plastic Mancunian.

P.S. The above is all a pack of lies and a weird episode from my sick and sordid imagination. The confession I have to make is that I have accidentally thrown away your ticket to see Lady Ga Ga. In fact, I think I’ve done you a favour, my sweet.


P.P.S. No pizzas, cats or policemen were harmed in the writing of this post.