Christmas 2023

Welcome to a pleasant winter’s day in South Manchester. The weather is mild and the clouds are light and fluffy, with a blue sky and a low sun that is beaming into our lounge through the Christmas tree which is positioned at the front window with lights flashing to a rhythm dictated by a switch that we can tweak. Personally I would tweak it every day but Mrs PM likes the current pattern; I am happy to let her have her way. 

Of course, the cats are fascinated by the tree and surprisingly they are well behaved around it. I do catch them tapping the odd globe occasionally but they don’t try to climb it (it is about seven feet tall I think). 

Yes, Christmas 2023 is almost upon us so it seems like a good idea to squeeze in a couple of silly answers to some silly questions from Sunday Stealing with Christmas in mind. 

1. What is the best Christmas gift you’ve ever received?

That’s a difficult one. As a kid, I usually received Christmas presents that I wanted or that excited me but as I became an adult, presents became kind of token presents and, as a man, it started to consist of socks, handkerchiefs, book tokens, beer, chocolate and other gifts that people don’t really know what to buy for the man in their life. The answer is, therefore, I don’t really know. Sorry – that is so boring.

2. What is the worst Christmas gift you’ve ever received?

Have you heard of Derek Acorah? 

He was a “psychic medium” who claimed to be able to converse with ghosts and in my view was a complete charlatan. He also claimed to be “possessed”. The person who bought me this gift had heard me mention his name and knows that I am into weird, spooky stuff. What I was actually doing was ranting about how gullible people are to have believed this idiot.

Here he is being exposed by a parapsychologist. And it’s well worth a look if you have six minutes to spare.

A total and utter charlatan and fraud – and I think most of those similar to him are the same. 

But back to the question. 

This person thought that a book written by Derek Acorah would be the perfect gift for me. How wrong they were.

To be kind, I read the first chapter and I have never read such a load of bullshit in my entire life. I felt bad that somebody has actually paid money for this vapid, turgid, amateurish waste of part of a tree and that some of the money spent had gone into Derek Acorah’s pocket to help prolong his abuse of gullible people.

I recycled it at the earliest opportunity.

Derek Acorah passed away in 2020 and if he really were able to talk to and be possessed by ghosts then surely he would have found his way back. Even if there were a part of me that believed in ghosts, this man is one reason why the sceptic in me will always dismiss such things as fraud.

Who knows? After this I may be visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past, the Ghost of Christmas Present and the Ghost of Christmas Future for being a cynical old git about people who claim to be able to talk to spirits. 

3. Do you have a favourite Christmas song?

It is fitting that my favourite Christmas song it Fairytale of New York by the Pogues and Kirsty MacColl. Shaun MacGowan passed away earlier at the end of last month. Rest in peace Shane.

 

4. Does your family have any favourite holiday traditions?

Not really. We usually go to at least on Christmas Party, have a pub crawl from my place of employment, visit family and get together with friends. We take it in turns hosting on Christmas Day and we start eating lots of fattening food, eating lots of chocolate and drinking more than usual. That’s why we all diet and abstain in January. 

We have a few things planned over the next week or two.

It is also traditional to have Christmas decorations and they are already up. 

5. What is your favourite Christmas snack?

Is a mince pie a snack? If it is then that is it. I love mince pies and we eat loads of them over the Christmas period. 

6. Did you believe in Santa growing up?

Yes – until I worked out that he doesn’t exist by applying logic. My dad came up with ridiculous answers to try to explain to me why he existed. I was asking about time zones, speed of travel, how this fat man could squeeze his bulk down a chimney, how he got in the house for people who didn’t have chimneys, how he managed to avoid the fire for those who had one, how he managed to get round the entire world in one day etc. etc.

In the end I told him that Father Christmas doesn’t exist – and he just laughed. 

7. How early do you start decorating?

That’s up to Mrs PM. She decides. We are decorated now and this year she wanted to do it on December 1st but we couldn’t for some reason. It was soon afterwards. I just allow Mrs PM to reign fully on all things Christmas.

8. Are you an early or last-minute shopper?

I am an early shopper. I like to get it all over and done with by the start of December.

9. Would you rather give or receive gifts?

I would rather receive them, but not because I am a tight-fisted git. I find it really difficult to decide what to buy for people and I invariably get a lot of them wrong (though people don’t necessarily tell me). Plus you have to actually spend time deciding and then buying. It is so easier to receive gifts and I like 99.9% of them. But please – no books, DVDs or anything by people like Derek Acorah.

10. What’s your favourite Christmas movie?

I don’t really like them if I’m honest and I try not to watch them. I do quite like “It’s a Wonderful Life” though, so I will say that one.

11. What is one of your Christmas memories?

The routine we had when I was a child. 

My dad was not a religious person and he was Church of England by baptism. My mum was Roman Catholic and so my two sisters and I were too. On Christmas Day we used to get up really early and my mum would take us to Mass, while my dad would stay in bed for a short while. By the time we got home, my dad had surfaced and spent the time cooking an elaborate and very tasty breakfast, while making a start on Christmas dinner. We would eat breakfast and then after tidying away the dishes, we would open our presents. 

My mum and dad would then spend a while in the kitchen preparing the dinner while we enjoyed our gifts and watched TV to soak up the atmosphere. 

We would be visited by grandparents later and enjoy Christmas dinner while lazing about, stuffing our faces with chocolate and all manner of food. 

The adults would all fall asleep in the afternoon, usually brought on by the Queen’s Speech (which was tedium personified and has been ever since) before playing games for the rest of the day.

It was simple but I can still picture it.

12. Do you open any presents on Christmas Eve?

Not at all. Presents are meant to be opened on Christmas Day. 

I imagine I will probably produce another post before Christmas but just in case I don't, have a Wonderful Christmas, each and every one of you.

December Plans

Welcome to a dull and rainy South Manchester. We’ve just had a cold snap where the temperature reached a low of -10 degrees Celsius – most unpleasant. Now it is getting warmer and with it comes the rain. 

This is how mad weather is in the UK. Last Monday it was -5 degrees Celsius in Manchester and next Monday it is forecast to be 14 degrees Celsius. 

Crazy.

Shall we answer some silly questions from Sunday Stealing? 

1. My plans for December 

We are half way through December now so there are only about two weeks left. In those two weeks, I have just two days of work left in 2022 (my last day is on Tuesday). Most of the Christmas celebrations associated with work have happened already. Next week will be a quiet one I think until Christmas Eve. We are going for a meal with our neighbours on Thursday and on Christmas Eve itself we are off to Blackpool to see Mrs PM’s parents. We return on Christmas Day and are off to North Manchester to spend the rest of the day with my youngest lad, my eldest lad and his girlfriend and her parents. It should be fun. After that I will be going for a couple of beers with a couple of mates and then we will be spending New Year’s Eve with some friends.

2. How energized I feel at this point in the year 

I am usually quite tired in the winter and December is the most energised that I ever feel because of Christmas and the general feeling of euphoria for the festive season. I always look forward to the Christmas break from work and that also helps to give me a break until the worst two months of the year, January and February, when it is dark and cold and there is bugger all to look forward to apart from spring.  

3. The best things about the holiday season 

I enjoy the social aspect of this time of year and the break from work. We usually get together with family and friends and the general excitement is enough to keep me happy, despite the cold and short days. 

4. Something that changed my perspective on life 

Quite a few things that have happened have changed my perspective on life. Most recently, the loss of my sister made me reconsider my priorities and led to my decision to go part time slightly earlier than planned. But I generally do examine my life on a fairly regular basis anyway and my immediate plans for things like retirement are still in place and on schedule.

5. What I seem to get the most comments about 

I assume you are talking about the blog here. The most commented posts I think are the ones where I have been slightly controversial. The biggest by far is when I basically declared that Shakespeare is rubbish. At the time, I didn’t think it would be that controversial and I was pleasantly surprised that some people who love the bard commented to discuss things in a civil manner. The purpose of the post was not to be critical for the sake of being critical; it was to tell people why I genuinely think that he is overrated. 

Here is a comment that I particularly liked:

Great post. Not just an "I hate Shakespeare post" but a worked out argument. Still I disagree with you, but then, I would, being a fully paid up writer of the 55% explanations!  So much did I enjoy your post, I have blogged about it at The Shakespeare Standard. There's a link to the rebuttal. You'll find that you're in good company on the plots (one Vladimir Nabokov shares some of your view) but you might like to have a go at a Six Word Shakepeare and cut down on those notes!

One or two keyboard warriors attacked my views - but I have a thick skin so I can take it. Here is one of them:

I found this drivel by accident. I'm just amazed that there are people out there like you, very many people in fact, who wear their ignorance and foolishness so proudly. I thought I was reading the ramblings of some over-opinionated teenager until I saw what an old fart you were.

You can read the post here, if you like.

Shakespeare is Rubbish 

6. The changes I’ve made to my style 

Again I assume you are talking about the blog. I haven’t really made any changes to my style which is to be honest, self-deprecating, slightly controversial but above all try to be funny (which I fail miserably at mostly). I think some of my early posts were a little amateurish and now they are still amateurish but slightly better. 

I don’t really care whether people like my blog or not. I like it and that’s all that counts.

7. What gets in the way of my success 

Procrastination and laziness. Over the past few years I have taken on both of these negative qualities and I think that I have improved and (almost) overcome both. 

Also shyness and the willingness to sit in my comfort zone have been a hindrance in the past too but I feel that I am winning the war with those two nemeses too.

8. News sources I trust the most 

What news sources can you trust these days? Almost all of them are biased and a lot of them are full of lies. 

I tend to watch the BBC news and read the BBC news website. They are driven to be impartial and that can be infuriating, especially when it comes to things like Brexit and Boris Johnson. 

Recently a newsreader was suspended for saying that she was “gleeful” that Boris Johnson was not going to try to run for Prime Minister again:

Another BBC presenter recently got into trouble for saying that when covering Brexit they could find thousands of experts who thought it was a terrible idea, but they had to be impartial and find those who said it was a great idea – and they could barely find any with that viewpoint.

It’s difficult to trust any news source these days but I think BBC is one of the better ones.

9. Fictional characters that would easily fit into my life 

Are there any fictional characters who love progressive rock music, are massive fans of Walsall football club, love to travel and like a beer or two while at the same time being a total geek?

I don’t know of any. Do you?

10. My relationship with spirituality 

One of scepticism. 

I don’t mind people being religious as I think it can give comfort. If you are person who regularly goes to church, practices a religious faith and reads the Bible on a regular basis then keep on doing it if it makes you happy.

I won’t do those things. I spent the first sixteen years of my life as a Roman Catholic indoctrinated by guilt, led to believe that the Bible was the source of all knowledge, even though it contradicts itself. I pointed this out to a Jehovah’s witness on my doorstep once (I actually like talking to them) and was told that Satan planted dinosaur bones in the Earth to sow doubt into the minds of non-believers like me. It was an interesting if not flawed perspective.

As for non-religious spirituality, I don’t really know what it is – and this makes me sceptical. People feel “spiritual” if they want to “grow” personally and become a better person – at least that’s what I think it means. Religion is something that achieves this because you become closer to God. And those who aren’t religious obviously feel that they want to adhere to their own values and grow as that person.

The problem is that those values are different for every single person in the world and if you are not being led by religion, how do you define them? People are only experts in their own happiness and fulfilment – not mine.

That’s why I am sceptical. For me, I just want to be happy not follow a doctrine created by another person that tells me how to be happy in their probably flawed view. 

Deep answer there and worthy of a more thought and a proper blog post. 

Apologies for that. 

11. How I feel when I’m being retrospective 

I look back at the past with happiness mainly. There are some bad times but mostly I get a warm and fuzzy feeling when I look back over my life. I listen to music a lot and older songs take me back in time to those places and occasions. 

I love it.

12. My thoughts on AI technology 

I work in IT and although I don’t personally use AI software, I know people who do. Now if you are a science fiction fan you will no doubt be afraid of AI because of stories like The Terminator, where in the future, we go too far with AI and machines become self-aware and rebel against their creators, i.e. us, with maximum prejudice. 

All AI is at the moment is the ability for software to resolve problems on its own with reasoned logic. There is a lot of it about at the moment, for example with software that recommends things for you to watch or buy based on past experience, for example when you log onto Amazon and it offers you things that are similar to things you have bought in the past.

It is all very clever and is getting better. 

The bottom line is though that all of this was written and created by people like me, and has limitations based on the algorithms that have been programmed into it. 

But if can be abused and that is, if anything, the scary thing. 

Will machines become self-aware in the future and try to rid the planet of mankind (like in the Matrix and the Terminator)?

I doubt it. It’s all science fiction and if like me you are a huge fan of science fiction then you can believe anything.

13. The odd/weird things I do when nobody else is around 

That’s a personal question but I am all for a little self-deprecation (see above). Basically if I am alone in the house and I have some decent music on, I will sing along with it very loudly and sometimes even pick up my air guitar and play along with the song as if I am the guitarist. To something like this:

I have done this in public though (in the past) – so people know about it.

Yes - I am a complete idiot, aren't I?

14. What I do when I can’t sleep 

I usually pick up my Kindle and carry on reading. It works 95% of the time. But it is a rare occurrence. The last time it happened was when I accidentally had a caffeinated coffee in the evening (I don’t drink caffeine these days).

15. The winter/holiday season tasks I enjoy

We’ve just been to the supermarket to get in provisions for Christmas. I don’t normally like shopping but this particular shop is not too bad. Apart from that, nothing sticks out as being an enjoyable task.

And finally…

Since this is almost certainly my last post before Christmas, can I take this opportunity to wish everybody, who is unfortunate enough to stumble onto this random set of words, a very Merry Christmas.

May Father Christmas (or Santa Claus if you prefer) bring you everything you need to make you happy.

Heavy Metal Christmas

This will be my last post before Christmas so I thought I would resurrect a stupid idea from many years ago when I started to supply alternative lyrics to famous Christmas songs, ruining them completely. 

The one I have chosen to vandalise this year is the old “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree”. 

Why? Because I spotted it and immediately thought of proper rock music – or more accurately heavy metal.

I apologise to anybody who loves the song, or anyone who loves Brenda Lee. 

Moshin’ around the Christmas tree

With a heavy metal song 

Air guitar playing noisily 

Grandma tells me this is wrong

Moshin’ around the Christmas tree

Turn the volume really loud

Later we’ll have a huge mince pie

And we’ll share it with the crowd

You will get a heavy metal feeling when you hear

Guitar, bass with drums and keyboard

Drink some beer, you’ll never feel bored

Moshing around the Christmas tree

Have a happy Christmas Day

Let’s start head banging merrily 

In a new and noisy way

<GUITAR SOLO>

You will get a heavy metal feeling when you hear

Guitar, bass with drums and keyboard

Drink some beer, you’ll never feel bored

Moshing around the Christmas tree

Have a happy Christmas Day

Let’s start head banging merrily 

In a new and noisy way

To be honest, I’m not the first to imagine traditional Christmas songs and add a touch of heavy metal to spice things up. Here are Megadeth having some fun:

And Motörhead:

And of course the Darkness:

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas. 

Christmas Questions

 

Welcome to sunny South Manchester on a mild but sunny Saturday afternoon. Lockdown still continues with Manchester in the highest tier, although our rates have fallen dramatically and we are below the average in England, which is being buoyed by a rather larger increase in the south east of the country around the London area.

I have now finished work for the year and can enjoy a leisurely two week break, within the confines of the restrictions of course. Now it is time to relax and enjoy what I can of the Christmas and New Year period without the spectre of work to haunt me.

I am writing this on Saturday it isn’t really Sunday Stealing – but who cares? Let’s have some fun with a Christmas theme.

1. What’s your favourite thing about the holidays?

Given that Christmas falls in December, four days after the shortest day of the year (which is on Monday), the weather and the darkness do not really appeal. It is usually a cold, dark, damp and unpleasant time of the year. This year aside, it is usually a good time to meet friends and family and generally have a fun time with get-togethers and parties, over-indulging on food and drink and generally having a great time. This year will be different because of the restrictions but I will do my best. Of course the best thing of all is no work. I love that.

2. Do you send out Christmas cards and if so how many do you send?

I no longer send any Christmas cards. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not because I am a miserable Scrooge-like old git; it is because Christmas cards are a waste of paper, a waste of time and a waste of money. We still get them but I never return them. I prefer to talk to people or see them rather than just wasting a bit of card. 

3. Be honest: holiday newsletters. Love ‘em or hate ‘em?

I hate them. They are usually a way of telling the story of the last year and they are too impersonal for me. I would never bore anybody with such a thing.

4. Be honest: photo cards. Love ‘em or hate ‘em?

The same as newsletters. 

5. How soon do you start shopping?

I hate shopping but Christmas shopping is even worse. The shops and stores are usually crammed full of people and the queues are massive. I return home after such trips feeling stressed tired and in need of a stiff drink. These days, I just shop online. So much more relaxing. For Christmas, I like to get it all done by the end of November.

6. Real or fake tree?

I like the smell of real trees but they are an absolute pain in the backside to maintain. They shed their needles all over the place – even the ones that are “guaranteed not to shed their needles”. And when you finally take them outside they deposit the rest of them all over your house. 

So we have a fake tree. They are less messy and much more cost-effective.  

7. When do you put up your tree?

We usually put the tree about two weeks before the big day, but this year, given the circumstances, we put it up on 1st December.

8. When do you take down your tree?

We usually take it down the day after New Year’s Day. 

9. Describe your typical tree (size, decorations, type)

The tree is about 6ft 3inches and you can see it here.

This year the tree has a dual purpose. It is a Christmas decoration and a plaything for my two kittens.

10. What do you top your tree with?

A star.

11. Do you put Christmas lights outside your house?

No – maybe I am a little odd in that respect but I think it is a pointless exercise.

12. Is there a wreath hanging on your door?

Normally, yes there is, but we haven’t bothered this year – not sure why to be honest.

13. Do you hang up stockings?

Not any more. The kids have grown up an left home.

14. Your favourite Christmas Movie(s)

I like Die Hard – and yes, despite what people say, it is a Christmas movie.

I also like Scrooged, with Bill Murray. 

Finally, I love It’s a Wonderful Life – I shed a tear every time I see it.

15. Be honest: A Christmas movie you hate

Love, Actually? Is supposed to be a Christmas movie – it is bloody awful. I could write an entire blog post on how dreadful it is. 

16. Favourite Christmas Song(s)

Here we go (in no particular order):

 

 

 

 

and from my home town of Walsall:

17. Be honest: If I hear this/these Christmas songs again I will throw up

I am not even going to post them – just look them up if you don’t know them (which I seriously doubt).

Wham! – Last Christmas

Mariah Carey – All I Want for Christmas is You

Cliff Richard – Mistletoe and Wine

They are ALL awful!

18. Give or Receive?

Both. That is the point, surely?

19. Eggnog or Mulled Cider?

I have never fancied eggnog. It looks like vomit. 

I also like cider – but it makes my stomach churn if I have too much of it. I will say Mulled Cider (I a small glass).

20. Ham or Turkey?

Can I say both? Of course I can.

And Finally …

Since this is a weird Christmas and this will be my last post before the day, I will sign off by wishing you all the best Christmas possible and a Happy New Year. 

I will leave you with some alternative lyrics that I posted waaaaayyyyyyyyy back in 2009 (my second year of blogging). These are my own alternative lyrics to Jingle Bells. 

Merry Christmas.

Dashing to the shops every single bloody day

Join another queue, pushing people out the way

I need to buy so many presents and a lot of trash

I need to win the lottery cos I’ve just run out of cash

Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Jingle all the way

Oh what fun it is to throw your hard earned cash away

Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Jingle all the way

Oh what fun it is to throw your hard earned cash away

Eating lots of food and drinking lots of beer

I am getting fat again, much fatter than last year

The weather’s looking nice; I think it might have snowed

And if I eat another thing I think I might explode

Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Jingle all the way

Oh what fun it is to double the amount you weigh

Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Jingle all the way

Oh what fun it is to double the amount you weigh

Listening to the Queen and watching crap TV

Playing silly games with my entire family

Everybody’s tired and one or two begin to snore

But later we will have to eat and drink again some more

Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Jingle all the way

Oh what fun it is to fall asleep on Christmas Day

Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Jingle all the way

Oh what fun it is to fall asleep on Christmas Day

So a Merry Christmas to the readers of this post

I like to raise my glass and to propose a toast

To everyone in Blogland; every woman, every man

Here’s to a fun-filled holiday from The Plastic Mancunian

Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Jingle all the way

Oh what fun it is to stuff your face on Christmas Day

Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Jingle all the way

Oh what fun it is to stuff your face on Christmas Day

Winter Questions

January is the worst month of the year and it is almost over, thank goodness. I guess it is apt that this week’s Sunday Stealing questions are about winter.

Let’s dive in shall we?

1. How do you get past the grey skies during winter?

I am looking out of the window as I type this and can see typical British grey skies hovering above a sodden garden with drizzle in the air to keep the moisture to a maximum. I went for a walk earlier this morning and the drizzle settled on my glasses, hindering my vision somewhat, in what is a seen as a stereotypical grey day for Britain. How do I get past it? I try to be positive by thinking about how I am going to escape it in the coming months. Very soon, I shall be jetting off to a much sunnier climate – I don’t know where yet but I know it will be much better than the miserable views I have had for the past few weeks.

2. Do you like snow? Why or why not?

I’ve answered this recently. No – I don’t like snow at all. In the UK we are usually totally unprepared for it, despite the fact  that it will probably appear soon. Usually it snows sometime in the winter, as early as December but more often than not in January or February. The good news is that so far we have not had any this winter in England at least. The further north you go, the more likely it will be so poor Scotland can always guarantee some snowfall every year.

I don’t like it because usually it is accompanied by cold weather that ends up freezing it underfoot leaving treacherous conditions both for walking and driving. We are so unprepared for it that traffic comes to a standstill, people in remote towns and villages are snowed in and when I walk outside I have to quite literally get my skates on. Horrendous stuff.

3. What are your favourite activities to do during the winter?

My favourite activities are staying inside a cosy house with a roaring fire and winter food or sitting in a cosy pub with a fine winter ale. Why? Because outside it is usually cold, wet and miserable. However, see the next question.

4. What does a perfect winter day look like to you?

Sometimes in the winter the weather is governed by a ridge of high pressure that clears away the grey skies and rain and allows the sun to shine in a bright blue sky. Usually it is absolutely freezing too. Nevertheless, the conditions are usually perfect for a decent walk, wrapped up with a big warm coat, gloves, a hat and smile.

5. What are your favourite meals/food you enjoy eating during the winter?

My diet doesn’t change that much during winter – apart from Christmas of course. Usually we are more likely to cook a stew or a casserole at this time of year. I usually eat more soup too.

6. What is your favourite winter holiday and why?

I don’t tend to go on holiday in winter. I have done in the past but usually to somewhere far warmer and sunnier than the UK. I once went to Oman in December – sadly it was with work – but we managed to sit outside in the morning for breakfast, which was very pleasant. I think if I could afford multiple holidays per year, I would jet off to somewhere hot at this time of year.

If you are talking about Bank Holidays, I guess the only one we have is Christmas – so it will be that.

7. What is your favourite pizza flavour and toppings.

We were talking about winter and we now fly off at a tangent to talk about pizza. How strange. Okay – I’ll go with it. I would say anything meaty and cheesy – a meat feast or cheese feast. Or possibly even a meat and cheese feast if such a thing exists.

8. What are some items in your daily bag/ backpack.

Looks like we are definitely moving away from winter now. The only bag I take anywhere with me is my work rucksack. It contains a laptop (plus accessories), a phone charger, an Ipod and its charger, my spare spectacles, a notebook, several pens, business cards, tissues and, sometimes, my Kindle.

9. Your favourite snacks.

Apples, bananas, flame raisins, plums, nectarines and, less often, sour cream and onion Pringles.

10. Some foreign countries that you would like to visit.

I have been to lots of foreign countries and, believe it or not, there are one or two that I would love to visit. These include: South Korea, New Zealand, Egypt, Poland, Mexico, Sweden, Norway and Finland.

11. What things that remind you of home.

Rain, football, pubs, English countryside, green fields, cricket, Northern hospitality, music, tea, bangers and mash, Sunday lunch and our sense of humour.

12. If you have one, some items from your Amazon Wishlist.

I have a couple of Amazon vouchers to spend in the coming weeks and I plan to spend it on music and books.

13. What was your favourite Christmas gift?

Probably the Amazon vouchers because I can use them to buy what I want rather than things that people think I want.

Mr Sick

My Christmas break from work was partially ruined last year by Mr Motivator.

For those of you who don’t know who Mr Motivator is, he is the personification of all those workaholic ambitious fools who work all of the hours God sends “at 150%” and look down on those who want a decent work/life balance and actually want to spend time with their families.

I do not like Mr Motivator.

So, how did this imaginary nemesis of mine ruin my Christmas?

He made me ill.

Regular readers will know that I am a hypochondriac and the mere mention of an illness makes me think that I have the symptoms. Ironically, I rarely actually get ill. In the last few years at work I can count on the fingers of one hand how many days I have had off ill.

When I get a cold, it is usually just a mild sniffle with a minor sore throat.

However, last year, on the day after Christmas Day I was struck down with a nasty bout of man flu. My head thumped like there was a mad robot inside my skull trying to smash his way out with a sledge hammer. My nose was so badly blocked with snot that it felt like it had swelled to three times its normal size. I was scared to sneeze because I honestly thought I could demolish the house. My throat felt as though it was being sandblasted and I was coughing so much that you could have been forgiven for thinking that I was a barking dog.

I was so weak that I could barely climb off the sofa. I spent three days on a Lemsip diet watching terrible television. My will to live had gone on holiday.

I was far worse than this guy.

Before you ask, I wasn’t asking Mrs PM to make soup or rub my head.

I had virtually no beer - that’s how ill I was.

As I lay there feeling sorry for myself on the sofa, I started feeling anger that I had been struck down while on holiday rather than during a work. I remembered seeing people suffering at work with the same ailment that had struck me down, some of whom were visibly ill before ultimately deciding to take the day off sick themselves. Others plied themselves with vast quantities of Lemsip so that they could get through their working day with as little pain as possible.

It is these people who gave me this horrendous illness – just in time for Christmas and my week and a half holiday.

I don’t blame all of them. Some of them felt that they needed to come in and power through the trauma in order to please Mr Motivator, a man who will be in work for most of the day regardless of any illnesses. Mr Motivator he needs to give 200% and can battle through any illness in order to complete the essential work that needs to be done.

When I returned to work after the Christmas break, three of my colleagues had also been struck down, spending most of the Christmas break in bed with the same flu-like bug having a party inside their bodies.

Like me, they were annoyed, one even suggesting that perhaps he should have taken the week off work to compensate for his lost holiday time.

On those rare occasions when I have been ill during work, I have decided to take the day off the moment the symptoms appear. After all, I do actually like the majority of my work colleagues and the last thing I want to do is strike them down with the same lurgy.

I truly don’t think that Mr Motivator understands that if you come in with a terrible cold for example, then ultimately anybody who comes into contact with you will also get it. Most of these people do not have the same warped philosophy in life as Mr Motivator and will take the time off to recover from it, both for their own benefit and the benefit of their colleagues. More importantly, that person will not spread the disease and the workload will suffer less as a result.

I am happy to say that although Mr Motivator does work at my company (he works at almost every company in fact), nobody thinks any less of you for staying at home when you are ill. It makes total sense to do so because if everybody on my team were to fall ill at the same time, then work and the company would suffer.

So please, Mr Motivator, if you feel ill then stay at home and relax so that you can get over it without harming your colleagues and your company’s productivity.

You know it makes sense.

As an afterthought, I am proud of myself for not asking Mr Google about the symptoms of my illness. Had I done that, I would probably have panicked about dying from a rare tropical disease and made my Christmas even worse.

Here’s to an illness free 2018.

Thank God It's Christmas

Let’s go forward in time to a history lesson at school, say in the year 2066. The conversation will be:

Teacher: Johnny. Can you tell me when …

Johnny: 2016.

Teacher: But I hadn’t finished.

Johnny: I know. But it happened in 2016 – that was the year that everything happened.

Here’s something else I heard.

FACT: 2016 will be one second longer than 2015.

From Twitter: OH MY GOD! HAVEN’T WE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BLOODY YEAR?

I will not look back on 2016 with fondness at all. There are many reasons for this most of which are political. We have all witnessed a new trend in political debate on both sides of the Atlantic Ocean, where lies abound and post-truth politics is rampaging across the world like a mad beast.

And let’s not forget the legendary people who have died this year, people like David Bowie and Prince amongst others.

Also, I lost my uncle this year as well as my hellcat Liquorice who suddenly dropped dead in the summer. I miss them both.

However, as we approach the end of the year, and since its Christmas, I think it’s time to be more positive, generally. I have finished work for 2016 now and I want to enjoy the last couple of weeks with an optimistic outlook. Of course, I will be reviewing the year just after Christmas but I can let you into a secret – my resolution this year is to try to cut down on ranting and have a much more enjoyable year next year, whatever the hell Brexit throws at me or whatever trouble ensues when Donald Trump finally gets his hands on the Presidential seal.

The first thing I am going to do is consign the following people to Room 101, where everything hellish lives:

David Cameron, Michael Gove, Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson from the UK, all of whom have made me rant mercilessly this year and who I hold personally responsible for Brexit.

And from the other side of the Atlantic, I would like to also put the following people into Room 101 for equally pissing me off:

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Ted Cruz and Kanye West.

I don’t know how the US will cope with their president elect suffering Piers Morgan in Room 101 but I am sure you will cope, my friends.

Anyway, no more negativity.

It’s Christmas and we should all rejoice in a time of good year to all men (apart from those I have just locked away forever).

In the past, I have written alternative lyrics for famous Christmas songs so this year I will do the same again. Here are my past efforts:

Jingle Bells

Twelve Days of Christmas

Merry Christmas Everybody 

This time my victim is Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Dave, the Mancunian blogger, 

Had a giant monkey's nose

And if you ever saw him

You’d laugh at his choice of clothes

He had a Christmas jumper

And a very silly hat

And, thanks to all the turkey,

He was looking very fat

Then one rainy Christmas Eve,

Santa came to say:

“Dave your belly’s such a sight

Won’t you drive my sleigh tonight?”

Dave is now the new Santa

With a giant bushy beard

Delivering all your presents

Most of which are very weird

This may not be my last post before Christmas but I think now is a good time to wish you all:

Merry Christmas

May Father Christmas (Santa Claus if you are American) bring you all the gifts you want.

By the way, kids, the above lyrics are not true, just a figment of my warped imagination.

Imagine seeing a fat monkey with a beard in your house on Christmas Eve.

Stranger things gave happened.

Top Ten Christmas Songs

Christmas is approaching and radio DJ’s will push aside their terrible playlists in favour of the same old Christmas songs that we hear at this time every year. Supermarkets and shopping malls will turn up the volume loud and play the same songs. Every pub will crank up the volume of their jukebox and play endless streams of Christmas dirges.

And worst of all, I will have to endure these songs at every Christmas party I go to, starting tonight.

I may sound like Scrooge in his deepest humbug moment but the truth is that most Christmas songs are dreadful.

However, I am not Scrooge really and there are a few of these seasonal ditties that I actually like. So here, for the benefit of readers who love their Christmas songs, are my top ten seasonal offerings.

10. The Pretenders – 2000 Miles

A Christmas song doesn’t have to be a happy clappy affair and that’s the main reason I like this song. It combines the seasonal feel with a hint of melancholy. Also, I like Chrissie Hynde’s voice.

9. Jonah Lewie – Stop the Cavalry

Continuing the theme of melancholy, Jonah Lewie’s song didn’t go down well in Walsall in 1980 with a guy I knew who was in the army. The line “Wish I was at home for Christmas” brought it home to his fellow soldiers who were away for Christmas. That said, I’ve added this to the list because it was played in every pub I went into in December 1980. I had just turned 18 and this was the first time I had the taste of true party atmospheres in the run up to Christmas. It holds a special place in my heart for that reason.

8. Queen – Thank God It’s Christmas

I’ve always loved Queen and when they finally released a Christmas song, I knew it would be a bit special, with the elements that make their songs memorable with a hint of the theatrical that the band loved to inject into their songs. Again, there is a hint of melancholy in the tune. I like that.

7. Elton John – Step Into Christmas

Now it’s time for a happier song with no hint of melancholy whatsoever, from the time when Elton was actually good, in the 1970’s, just to prove to you, dear reader, that I don’t just like songs with a dark and sad undertone. This song is a lot of fun.

6. The Darkness – Christmas Time (Don’t Let The Bell’s End)



Talking of fun, let’s take a little bit of cheesiness, add a little naughtiness and a good dose of rock and the result is this daft little song from The Darkness, complete with schoolboy choir, electric guitar and a little innuendo. This is my kind of Christmas song.

5. John Lennon – Happy Xmas (War is Over)

I always get goosebumps when I hear this song, particularly at a time when there is trouble in the world. The message is absolutely clear and sums up exactly what Christmas should be about, people coming together with joy and happiness and not, for once, trying to blow each other to bits.

4. Greg Lake – I Believe In Father Christmas

Apparently this song was written as a protest to what Christmas has become over the years and was not really intended to celebrate Christmas but to point out how marketing has over-commercialised it. I don’t care; this is an epic progressive rock masterpiece and exactly what I would have expected from my favourite musical genre.

3. Wizzard – I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day

Let’s get serious now. Way back in the early 1970’s, when I was a kid who really looked forward to Christmas every year, one of my favourite bands at the time were Roy Wood’s Wizzard. Their music had a distinct 1970’s feel that I still feel nostalgic for.

This song whisks me back in time to December 1973, when I was an innocent 11 year old.

 In my last post I described the inner youth within me and how I loved to unleash him on the world. This song, releases the child in me, stirring that excitement about waiting to tear the Christmas paper off all of my presents and tuck into a beautiful Christmas dinner. Another song has a similar effect …

2. Slade – Merry Christmas Everyone

There is no song that epitomises what Christmas meant to me as child, more than this wonderful song that was released at the same time as the previous one from Wizzard. Noddy Holder, the lead singer of the band, is from my home town of Walsall so it has a special significance for me. And what Christmas would be complete without Noddy screaming:

 “IT’S CHRISSSSSSSTTTTTTMAAAAASSSSSSS!”. 

Actually, I suggested some alternative lyrics to the song a few years ago. You can read them here.

1. The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl – Fairytale of New York

A Christmas song with swear words? Whatever next? When I first heard this song many years ago I thought it was a work of genius and I still think so to this day. I love songs that stir a little emotion, particularly at this time of year, and this one does just that, stripping down the cheese factor to a bare minimum to produce my favourite Christmas song of all time.

And Finally …

I hope you like my choices, dear reader. I will almost certainly post again before Christmas but if I don’t get chance to, I’ll take this opportunity to wish you all a Merry Christmas. If I do get chance to, then you will be lucky enough to get a second “Merry Christmas” in due course.

Lucky you.

Now over to you.

What are your favourite Christmas songs – and why?

The Meaning of Life - Don't Worry - Be Happy!

Some people think that I am a grumpy old man and there is evidence that supports that fact.

 I have a tendency to moan about certain aspects of life, usually involving absurdity, stupidity, injustice and the bizarre obsessions of certain groups of people who try to enforce their views and lifestyle choices on me.

However, beneath that grumpy façade, lies an extremely happy middle-aged man who has used his experience to construct a reasonable existence. Life has tried its best to deflect me from a path to happiness and contentment but I have recovered enough to find myself in a good place.

I find that having a positive view on life helps.

There have been occasions when it has been difficult and I have learned to try to discover the positive aspects of such experiences. It doesn’t always work but most of the time it does.

I can spend my time moaning about my job for example, but in the end it has enabled me to travel and it pays the bills.

Like most people, life has had its turbulent moments for me but I try to remember the good times in the past rather than dwelling on those negative moments. I love chatting about past experiences with friends and family. Reminiscing about past events is therapeutic if you don’t start wondering what would have happened if things had been different. Another way to travel to the past is through music. Music plays a huge part in my life and songs can behave like a time machine to whisk me back into the past to a moment of pleasure.

Music is a personal thing for me and on those occasions when I do start feeling a little bit down, I can select a suitable song and immediately lighten my mood.

For example, here’s a song that reminds me of working in Hong Kong with Mrs PM:

Here’s a song that reminds me of university:

This is one of the main reasons I refuse to discard old CD’s. To me they are as valuable as the TARDIS is to Dr Who.

As long as there is music, there is happiness.

I also love to experience life and for me travelling fulfils a burning need within me. Mr Motivator (the businessman who wants to be the best of the best of the best) will tell you that the way to happiness is through material possessions, a huge house, an enormous car and a high powered position in the rat race, working as many hours in the day as possible.

While that may be true for him, I find that I enjoy living in a modest house with a modest car but the ability to spend my money on trips to Japan, America, Australia and as many other parts of the world as I can. I gain more pleasure thinking about strolling around Red Square in Moscow in the middle of winter than watching the latest films on a 73 inch TV in a huge room in the back of my huge house.

I would rather spend £12000 on a round the world trip than splash out on a brand new car.

Sorry Mr Motivator – but that’s a fact.

Nevertheless, if Mr Motivator is happiest filling his enormous house with trinkets and gadgets then that's okay with me. I don’t think any less of him (as long as he doesn’t try to impose his doctrine on me) and as long as he is happy then I am happy too.

In other words, seeing other people being happy gives me a buzz, even if I am not directly responsible for their happiness. The greatest happiness for me is seeing Mrs PM laughing and smiling and my two lads enjoying life with huge grins on their faces.

Generally they are all as content as I am. My boys share the same outlook on life as me, with slightly different likes and dislikes of course and Mrs PM and I are kindred spirits (if you discount her dreadful taste in music of course).

And with Christmas fast approaching, I feel more content than ever. Yes, I will moan about shops being full, the miserable weather, the Queen’s speech, the cost of everything and having to eat too much. I will almost certainly curse the enforced diet I have to endure in January when my overstuffed and bloated body resembles a massive turkey.

Nevertheless, Christmas really does open a new door to happiness: lots of gatherings, parties and joy all around.

I may end up slobbed out on the sofa, trying to stay awake for the Dr Who Christmas special, resembling a bizarre caricature of Father Christmas as I eat another mince pie and quaff another can of beer – but I will have a huge smile on my face.

Finally, here are a couple more upbeat songs that help put me in a good mood.

Here is a guilty pleasure from two guys who like so much like me they could be my brothers. It sums up how I try to approach life.

If I don’t post again before Christmas (which is likely) I’d like to wish all readers, whether you are a regular visitor or just happened to stumble of this post, a very Happy and Merry Christmas.

I hope that Father Christmas brings you everything you want.

The Pros And Cons Of Christmas

Is it just me or are years flying by way too fast?


It seems like only yesterday when I was recovering from Christmas 2011 and, hey presto, here it is again. As a self-confessed grumpy old git, you may imagine that I adopt the role of Ebenezer Scrooge at this time of year and start moaning about humbugs.

That’s not true. Well – sometimes it is to be fair.

I have a love-hate relationship with Christmas; there are elements that I love and embrace, and there are elements that I despise. I’m sure that regular readers will have a guess at which bits of the festive season drive me crazy, given the things I’ve ranted about before on this cyber soapbox.

I thought it would be a nice idea to share with you what I hate and what I love about this time of year.

Without further ado, here are the pros and cons of Christmas.

Cons

(1) Choosing presents – I find it really difficult to decide what to buy everybody. I find my thoughts drifting to what I want, which means that I have to resist buying a heavy metal album for Mrs PM for example. Mrs PM says that by now, after almost 15 years together, I should easily be able to select a suitable gift. And I can – after I have beaten myself up over it for several months. Come January, I will be thinking of what I can buy her for Christmas 2013 – yes it takes that long. And she is only one of the people I have to consider.

(2) Christmas shopping – I hate shopping at the best of times and it this time of year, this abhorrent pastime mutates into a monstrous experience – even if you want to buy something unrelated to the festive period. In Manchester we have a huge shopping mall called the Trafford Centre and in December it is like entering Hell itself. The enormous car parks are so full that arriving and leaving take hours to achieve, having blocked up the motorways and main roads around for hours. Inside the Trafford Centre all shops are absolutely crammed with hapless shoppers, none of whom want to be there. You have to queue for hours to actually buy what you want and queue for more hours to leave the bloody place. And supermarkets are the same. There is so much food to buy that the weekly shop becomes a nightmare. People buy so much food you would think that they have predicted World War 3 and are planning for four years in a bunker to avoid nuclear fallout.

(3) Christmas starts earlier and earlier every year. My birthday is 8th October and I use that as a marker to see whether Christmas adverts have started or not. In the past, the first commercials appeared in late October. More recently the adverts have started much earlier; it was in September this year meaning that we have to spend a quarter of the year suffering bloody Christmas commercials – three bloody months of it.

(4) The Queen’s Christmas Message. I am ambivalent when it comes to Liz. I neither hate her nor love her. To me she is just another celebrity who happens to get a lot of media attention. Why should I be even remotely interested in anything she has got to say? I haven’t. The only thing I have in common with Liz and her family is that we live in England. Apart from that I care not one jot about her thoughts, her wisdom or her opinions. Why this is prime time TV on Christmas Day is beyond me.

(5) Travelling. Since I moved to Manchester in 1984, I have had to spend the Christmas period driving around the Midlands, Yorkshire and the North West of England visiting people who demand my presence. Back in 1984 I thought to myself, one day you will all come to me. It is now 2012 and there is absolutely no chance of that happening, This year I have to drive for three hours on Christmas Day, an hour and a half on Boxing Day and three hours the day after that. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

(6) Bad presents. I wish people would just say – “Here’s £20 – go and buy something you like.” Instead I get slippers, hankies and after shave – repeatedly.

Enough of that “Bah! Humbug!” nonsense. Here are the pros:

Pros

(1) Time off work. I love being off work and at Christmas I usually manage a week or two off work. I love to wake up with the knowledge that I can stay in bed, relax, go for a walk and take it easy for the duration of the Christmas Holiday period.

(2) Christmas Parties and socialising. Christmas parties can be an amazing experience, with either friends, family or work colleagues and usually I end up attending quite a few events. Generally the pubs and restaurants are full of joy and cheer anyway but whether you go to the pub with your mates or end up at a Christmas Party, fun is freely available to make even the most boring Scrooge smile occasionally – even me:

(3) Kids – Kids love Christmas and there is nothing better than seeing the faces of children when they see Father Christmas and open their presents on the big day. Sadly my two are too old now (19 and 16) and no longer have that innocent enthusiasm.

(4) Good presents. Occasionally I have genuinely surprised when receiving gifts. As I said above, these days I love it when people give me gift vouchers or cash so that I have an excuse to hit the sales or go online and splash out on something wonderful for myself.

(5) Christmas Markets. In recent years there has been a trend in Britain where major cities welcome European style markets selling all sorts of Christmas goodies. The annual Christmas Market in Manchester is usually packed but mulled wine is abundant and you can relax in a bar supping your mulled wine or the alcoholic beverage of your choice while watching people enjoying the experience. A great way to spend a few hours in the run up to Christmas.

(6) Food. I love Christmas fare, particularly mince pies. Mrs PM and I eat them by the bucket load and any diets we are considering are shelved for a week or two. Christmas is the time of year when you basically tell your diet to “Bugger off”. I genuinely do not feel bad about gaining a few pounds. Such things can be dealt with in January. This year on Christmas Day I will end up looking like a roly poly old man as I settle down in front of the TV to watch the Dr Who Christmas special. And I won’t care at all.

Well that’s it for now.

I would like to wish everybody a Merry Christmas whether you are a regular reader or a poor unfortunate who has stumbled across this post by accident.

May Father Christmas bring you all the gifts that you want – but please – no more socks and hankies. I have so many now that I could open a shop.

Old Farts' Reunion

Last night I had a trip down Memory Lane.

Every year, there is a reunion in a small pub in Heaton Mersey in Stockport. It is a reunion of old work colleagues and a couple of my mates attend every year. It usually occurs on the Friday before Christmas.

I have been invited but am usually unable to attend because it coincides with another event that is also annual and traditional – my workplace’s Christmas pub crawl around Didsbury – which usually takes place the day before, on the last Thursday before Christmas.

As much as I love beer, it usually too much for me to take in both events – there is only so much beer you can drink at my age, so I attend the Didsbury crawl – and have done for the last ten or so years.

This year, however, the Didsbury crawl will take place next Thursday and I was delighted to hear that the Heaton Mersey reunion would be a week earlier. In fact, it took place yesterday afternoon – and I went.

The pub is about fifteen minutes’ walk away from my house, and as I braved the snow and rain, I started thinking about who might be there. One of my mates jokingly refers to it as “The Old Farts’ Reunion” because at the age of 54, he is one of the younger people there.

I walked into the pub and it seemed empty, but then I heard some raucous laughter from a room at the back. I walked in and was astounded to see around twenty guys that I have not seen for years – some of whom I last clapped eyes on about twenty years ago.

I was slightly overwhelmed and blurted out:

“Bloody Hell – I haven’t seen some of you old buggers for YEARS!”.

This exclamation was greeted with laughter. It was four thirty in the afternoon and some of them had been there since three o’clock; most were slightly inebriated.

I was the youngest there – at the age of 49 – and some of these guys remembered me as a spotty faced little idiot joining their project team way back in September 1984. I was still a youngster to most of them.

The conversation flowed, with lots of names popping up that I had not heard for years. My very first software team leader was there as was my first supervisor, who greeted me with the following words:

“How are you, lad?”

I liked that – “Lad” – as if I were still a pasty-faced 21 year old filled with innocence.

We chatted for a few hours and over several pints, reminiscing about how life had changed.

I was reminded of a three way bet involving football that apparently was still in place. I foolishly pitted my team, Walsall – a shit little club languishing in League One, against Manchester United and Bolton Wanderers, the teams supported by the other two guys. The supporter of the team that finished lowest of the three in their respective divisions would have to buy a pint for the other two.

I support a team that is (and let’s be kind here) – absolutely pathetic and I have lost every year almost for the past twenty or so years.

“You owe us about twenty pints,” I was told. “Get your money out.”

Another guy who last saw me when I was married was astounded to find out that I had divorced. Another guy who had seen me just after the divorce said,

“How many women have you had since then, Dave?”

What followed was a very amusing character assassination and my claims that Mrs PM was and is the only woman I have been involved with since the divorce were hurled aside in favour of banter with me as their target. 

"It was thirteen years ago," I said but my claims fell on deaf ears.

And it was hilarious – I thoroughly enjoyed being savaged by these guys.

Another guy said “How old are you then?”

“I’m 50 next year,” I said.

“Farkin’ hell – you MUST use cream on your skin. You haven’t even got any grey hair. I’ll bet you’ve been using products for twenty years.”

More raucous laughter followed by more piss taking at my expense.

It was sad to hear about people I knew as a young man who had died – a melancholy diversion from Memory Lane – but overall it was brilliant to see some of these guys again. As the evening drifted on, Mrs PM’s words echoed in my head:

“Don’t get shit-faced. It’s my Christmas party tomorrow and you are coming whether or not you are hungover.”

So reluctantly I had to go, leaving behind a handful of die-hards sipping more beer and chatting about age, work and the past. I thoroughly enjoyed this little trip down Memory Lane and promised that I would do my best to come back next year.

And as I wobbled back home in the snow and rain, the one clear thought that shone through the alcoholic haze was this:

I will keep that promise.

Jingle Bells

This is my last post before Christmas so I thought I would write alternative lyrics to a well known Christmas song. Last year it was The Twelve Days Of Christmas. This year I have selected "Jingle Bells" as the victim of my psychotic need to destroy songs.

Have a great Christmas one and all.

Dashing to the shops every single bloody day
Join another queue, pushing people out the way
I need to buy so many presents and a lot of trash
I need to win the lottery cos I’ve just run out of cash

Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to throw your hard earned cash away
Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to throw your hard earned cash away

Eating lots of food and drinking lots of beer
I am getting fat, much fatter than last year
The weather’s looking nice; I think it might have snowed
And if I eat another thing I know I will explode

Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to double the amount you weigh
Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to double the amount you weigh

Listening to the Queen and watching crap TV
Playing silly games with my entire family
Everybody’s tired and one or two begin to snore
But later we will have to eat and drink again some more

Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to fall asleep on Christmas Day
Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to fall asleep on Christmas Day

So a Merry Christmas to the readers of this post
I like to raise my glass and to propose a toast
To everyone in Blogland; every woman, every man
Here’s to a fun-filled holiday from The Plastic Mancunian

Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to stuff your face on Christmas Day
Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to stuff your face on Christmas Day

A Christmas Meme

I have finished work for Christmas and have survived all Christmas parties with only a slight hangover (this morning actually – after the annual pub crawl).

I am now ready for a couple of days rest before the mayhem commences next week.

And right on cue, it snowed yesterday for the first time this winter, leaving a small white layer everywhere.

Since I am in the Christmas spirit, I thought I would steal again. I have, for amusement, stolen a Christmas meme I stumbled across (I know – it’s a terrible thing to do – but I don’t care).

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?

Given the choice I would just hand over the presents unwrapped but tradition dictates (or should I say Mrs PM dictates) that I wrap presents up. I use the term “wrap up” in the loosest possible term because my attempts end up looking like several piles of crumpled wrapping paper.

Thankfully, Mrs PM is the expert and usually does the wrapping, leaving me on selotape duty.

That’s right; I am so incompetent in the art of wrapping presents that I am reduced to cutting strips of tape for Mrs PM. What a sad basket case I am.

When it comes to Mrs PM’s present(s) I tend to use a gift bag – it’s so much easier.

2. Real tree or artificial?

Up until two years ago, we had a real tree – and it was a pain in the arse. I would take my medium sized hatchback to the Christmas tree shop and select a tree that was around six and a half feet tall and had the description “none drop”. The problem is that “none drop” is a complete and utter lie.

Having bought the tree and watched the guys wrap it up in some form of weird webbing I would somehow crowbar the bloody thing into my car and then drive back, flouting all known traffic safety laws, and then drag the thing into my lounge. At that point, the instant I cut off the webbing, the tree would drop the first of many huge piles of needles onto the floor. My car would be full of pine needles and my house full of them too.

It was incredible; surely there is a finite amount of needles on a Christmas tree, yet every single tree I have ever bought deposits an entire forest’s worth on my carpet yet still seems to have an endless supply left to drop the following day.

Even when the bloody thing had gone, I would find pine needles for months afterwards. In fact, I think some of the needles we found the last time we had a real tree were from the year before.

I therefore persuaded Mrs PM to allow me to buy an artificial tree. It is the same height (around six feet six) and it looks magnificent – and it doesn’t drop needles all over the cats!

The one thing I do miss though is the smell of a nice real tree.

3. When do you put up the tree?

Usually when Mrs PM orders me to put up the tree.

4. When do you take the tree down?

As soon as possible after New Year.

5. Do you like eggnog?

Eggnog is made of milk, cream, sugar and eggs and looks like vomit. Even when you add cinnamon or brandy to it, you can’t help thinking as it passes your lips, floods over your tongue and slides down your throat that you are drinking puke.

So no – I don’t drink it.

6. Favourite gift received as a child?

An Action Man with realistic hair and gripping hands. The poor thing was sent on all sorts of dangerous missions and its hair didn’t help it one little bit as I hurled it out of my bedroom window repeatedly.

7. Hardest person to buy for?

My eldest sister and my Mum. In fact, any females, when I come to think about it, apart from Mrs PM (who drops huge hints). Regular readers may know that females make about as much sense to me as aliens so imagine how difficult it is for me to buy for them.

8. Easiest person to buy for?

The kids. If I like it, I assume they will – usually I’m right, because I am a big kid myself.

9. Do you have a nativity scene?

No.

10. Mail or e-mail Christmas cards?

I’ve decided this year to stop sending Christmas cards. I simply don’t see the point of them because I see most of the people I send them to anyway and, to be honest, they are a waste of paper. It is better, I think, to wish people a Happy Christmas in person, or by phone or simply buy them a drink.

Actually, sending emails seems a reasonable substitute, particularly for those who live far away.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?

An absolutely horrific shirt. I know that I am a fashion barbarian but even I have standards.

12. Favourite Christmas movie?

I like “Scrooged” starring Bill Murray for a great laugh:

[Props man tries to attach antlers to a mouse]
Props man: I can't get the antlers glued to this little guy. We tried Crazy Glue, but it don't work.
Frank Cross: Did you try staples?

and I also like “It’s A Wonderful Life”.

13. When do you start shopping?

I aim to get all Christmas shopping out of the way by the end of November. I’ve messed up this year though because I still have one present to get – which means I have to go to the Trafford Centre on the busiest weekend of the year. Oh joy!!

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?

No.

15. Favourite thing to eat at Christmas?

I love mince pies.

16. Lights on the tree?

Yes. We have multicoloured lights with various eight different flicker patterns. Once I have spent three hours getting them to work, they look fabulous.

17. Favourite Christmas song?

“Fairy Tale Of New York” by the Pogues and Kirsty MacColl



18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?

We take it in turns and it’s our turn to entertain this year, which means a week of mayhem leading up to the big day. We always end up travelling to Walsall and Balckpool to visit relatives anyway.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer?

Only Rudolph (the drunk one) and Donner and Blitzen.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star?

A star.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?

Christmas morning.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year?

Shopping, overeating and drinking too much.

23. Favourite ornament theme or colour?

I leave that to Mrs PM. I’m not fussy.

24. Favourite for Christmas dinner?

Turkey.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year?

A Ferrari. Failing that, a brand new 40 inch HD TV. I hope you have room in your sack Father Christmas – and I hope you’ve forgiven me for my last post.

Feel free to use this meme. All I ask is that you let me know so I can have a read.