Cooking

Welcome to sunny South Manchester on day 378 of restrictions due to this bloody virus that is still lurking around the globe. 

Today’s Sunday Stealing has questions about a subject that is not very close to my heart at all – cooking. As you will see, I hate cooking – it is a necessary evil that I have to do. I have to say that thanks to the lockdown, Mrs PM has taken it upon herself to do most of the cooking. We used to take it in turns and I think once we are unleashed from the prison that we currently residing in, we will return to that arrangement. Besides, Mrs PM enjoys cooking and has used the opportunity to try some new recipes that have proven to be quite successful I have to say. 

Anyway, I will try to answer the questions based on my own past efforts at cooking. Strap yourselves in, folks; this is going to be one hell of a ride skirting around the edges of boredom.

1.  How often do you make food and eat it?

At the moment, rarely, as I said above. Under normal circumstances, however, we share the burden of cooking so I would say about 3 or 4 days a week. And of course, I eat all the time.

2.  Do you consider toasting bread, preparing instant noodles, or boiling an egg to be cooking? Why or why not?

Absolutely not. Any fool can do that – and I am living proof. Cooking involves careful preparation and constant monitoring. This is one of the reasons that it is way down the list of my favourite pastimes.

3.  What’s your favourite dish to make?

The only dishes I like to make are those that take the shortest amount of time possible. A prime example of this is probably chicken pasta. 

4.  Cooking or baking: what’s more fun? What’s more difficult?

This feels like being asked: what is more fun – being poked in the eye or kicked in the shin? If I had to apply the word fun to any element of cooking I would add the word “not” in front and “at all” after it. So I will answer the question: "What is the least annoying, cooking or baking?"

Cooking is the least annoying because baking can potentially be the most disastrous. If you spend hours baking and it turns out to be an inedible mess then you have wasted time that perhaps you could have spent more productively by, say, watching paint dry. I have baked in the dim and distant past (usually with the kids when they were younger) mostly, I have to say, with success. But on the occasions when it was a disaster, I was furious with myself. I felt it was time wasted.

5.  Who did most of the cooking in your house when you were growing up?

My dad used to take control of the Sunday meal and he would often try random recipes. Unlike me he enjoyed cooking and was very good at it. My mum cooked most of the rest of the time and she was pretty good too.

6.  How have you learned the cooking skills that you have?

I went to an all-boys school and cookery wasn’t even an option like it is in some schools. Clearly it didn’t regard this necessary life skill as academic enough for its pupils.

My mum taught me the basics when I left home for university in Liverpool and since then I have really taught myself from recipes in books. Mrs PM has taught me a few things though. 

7.   Have you ever taken a cooking course? If so, what did you learn? If not, would you like to do one? What would you like to learn?

No. I wouldn’t like to take one either because, as I said, I would be bored stupid.

8.   Have you tried cooking food from another culture? What did you prepare? How was it?

I have cooked Italian food, Mexican food and dabbled with curry. In fact, just give me a recipe and I will do my best to have a go with it – if I am feeling particularly masochistic.

9.   Is it cost-effective to do your own cooking? Can you save money by cooking?

Of course it is more cost-effective. Most people cook their own food in the UK but equally we do love to go out to restaurants too. Restaurants tend to be more expensive so, yes, you can save money by cooking yourself.

10.  Would you rather do the cooking or do the washing up afterwards?

We have a dishwasher and I am happy looking after that side of things at the moment. When we get back to the post-lockdown routine, we will share the load – whoever cooks doesn’t do the dishes.

11.  Do you use recipes to cook? If so, where do you get the best recipes? Do you get them from friends, family, online, or from cookbooks?

No. I don’t use recipes unless, as I said, I am feeling particularly masochistic. We have a load of cookbooks around, including one by that dingbat Jamie Oliver. Mrs PM was given it as a Christmas present and I have tried my best to throw it out. When I am World President, Jamie Oliver will be the head cook in a team of terrible TV chefs on the spaceship that I intend to build to rid the planet of all the odious people. To be fair, I haven’t seen many TV chefs that I actually like so most of them will be on the spaceship too.

Bloody Jamie Oliver

Here is one of our more famous chefs who likes a drop of wine, as you can see when she offered words of encouragement to her favourite football team. Her name is Delia Smith and she is on the spaceship as well.

12.  Have you ever tried to prepare some food and just totally ruined it? What happened?

Once or twice. We had some friends round for dinner a few years ago and Mrs PM asked me to make risotto and a dessert from a recipe book. The risotto was a massive success. The dessert was a total and utter disaster that resulted in me throwing it away in disgust and rushing to the shops to replace with a cheesecake.

13. Do you prefer cooking at home or eating out at a restaurant? Why?

If you have been paying attention to any of the answers above you will know that I prefer eating out in a restaurant to cooking myself. If Mrs PM is cooking then I am delighted to eat at home.

14. Is cooking a social activity for you? Do you like to do it with other people, or do you prefer to do it alone?

I prefer to cook on my own and with no interference – even from Mrs PM. When I am cooking, I ban her and anybody else from the kitchen. I am amazed when I see the plethora of cooking shows on TV where so-called celebrities spend three hours wittering on about mindless nonsense while preparing a dish guided by celebrity chefs who will ultimately end up on my spaceship when I am elected.

This makes me sound like a truly miserable old git but this is what cooking does to me, dear reader. I am a nice guy really and cooking turns me into a monster.

15. Do you have a lot of cooking equipment? How often do you use it all? Do you have any pieces of equipment that you rarely ever use?

We have enough cooking equipment to make the things we like to make. The only cooking equipment we are lacking is an unpaid chef who will do our cooking for us. I have looked for one online but they are inconsiderate and regard “working for free” as an insult to their integrity.