Interesting Confusions

Welcome to another cold and sunny October day is South Manchester. I was 57 years old this time last week and now I am 58 – another year added to my life. I’m still very content though, despite the pandemic, and as the years march on I am looking forward to the day when I can tell my employers that I am calling it a day. That time is getting closer and closer.

Anyway, let’s not dwell on that for now; let’s answer some daft questions from Sunday Stealing instead. 

1. Can you cry under water?

I have never cried underwater but I think that it is physically possible, as shown by this poor lady:

I think you can also cry in the rain. But, as Mr David Coverdale says, “No one ever sees the tears when you’re crying in the rain” – I guess that can be extended to “crying underwater”.

Here is “Crying in the Rain” by Whitesnake – the original bluesy version.

2. What is the fattest thing you’ve ever done?

I would say that the fattest thing I have ever done is to eat an entire box of Lindor Swiss chocolates. I love them but my gluttony knew no bounds at that time. I remember it was Christmas and I was watching a film and just scoffed the lot. There was payback though because they made me feel sick.

These days I limit the amount that I eat – mostly by not actually buying them.

3. If you’re going to be arrested what do you want your crime to be?

It would be for beating up Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage and Jacob Rees-Mogg. The punishment would be worth it. 

"I'm an incompetent clown! Call me BoJo!"

A creature that evolved from a frog!

Victorian Tosser

4. When they say dog food is “new and improved” who tastes it?

I would imagine that human beings have tasted it. There is a good chance that it is not really “new and improved” because that is just a marketing ploy to persuade you that the slop inside is better than it was. 

I tasted some dog food when I was a kid and it was utterly revolting. I looked at our pet dog and told him that I felt sorry for him. When I put the dish full of the slop in front of him, he devoured the lot at a rate of knots that suggested he had never eaten before. 

Trust me, dear reader, even “new and improved” dog food tastes absolutely disgusting.

5. What’s the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen?

Myself at 4am when I caught sight of myself in the bathroom mirror. My hair was all over the place, my eyes were bloodshot and, for a second, I thought there was a monster in the bathroom with me until I realized that it was a mirror image of myself. 

6. Why doesn’t glue stick to its bottle?

Because of water. When the glue is in the bottle it is sealed and remains liquid because of the water. When you apply the glue, it is exposed to the air and the water evaporates, causing the glue to dry and harden and, well, stick the things together.

7. What historical event do you wish you’d witnessed?

I don’t think it’s an event as such, but I would have loved to have wondered around ancient Rome and just see what Roman life was actually like. I was taught Latin at school so I figure that some of that may have come in useful to interact with the people. 

8. Who has had the best influence on your life?

My dad influenced me in my early years but since then, I can’t put my finger on just one person. I tend to listen to people who are sensible and along the way I have learned the mantra that life is definitely worth living and that stress should be battled at every opportunity. A good work/life balance is essential and, in my opinion, mandatory. I’ve heard that from a few people so I will nominate them too.

9. Would you rather go into space or to Antarctica?

I would rather go to Antarctica. However, should teleportation be invented before I shuffle off this mortal coil, as used on a Star Trek transporter, then I would willingly go to space. 

10. Would you rather sleep with no pillow or no blankets?

It depends on the weather. If it were very warm then I would sleep with no blankets. If it were cold then the pillows could be sacrificed I guess.

11. What's your favourite rain memory?

I was in Trinidad and staying at a hotel on the outskirts of Port of Spain. It was a Saturday afternoon and I was bored. I decided to go for a walk around a park. Dressed in a T-shirt, shorts and trainers, I started wondering around. In the distance I saw a huge black cloud approaching over the hills and figured that if I started back I would avoid the storm. Sadly, I was about two miles away from the hotel and I realized with horror that the cloud was part of a massive fast-moving thunderstorm. The rain came within about five minutes and with the thunder and lightning it looked like the end of the world was suddenly upon us. I stood sheltering under tree with a young Trinidadian lad and seriously contemplated allowing Jesus to enter my life. 

The rain was so heavy that all of the crap from the tree simply fell onto us. The young lad apologized to me because he thought that my day was being ruined by this bizarre apocalyptic storm. I told him that I was here with work so it didn’t matter. In the end, I sheltered under that tree for about 20 minutes and the rain continued and, if anything, started to get worse. I worked out that I was about 20 minutes away from the hotel so I shook hands with the young lad, wished him luck and made the sacrifice of trying to get back to the hotel. He watched me as if I were a soldier embarking upon a suicide mission into no-man’s land.

The rain was probably the most intense I have ever been in. The temperature was still very warm, as you can imagine in the Caribbean, and my glasses let me down. Within minutes they were drenched and steaming up making it almost impossible to see. I felt like I was walking under Niagara Falls. 

Eventually I reached the hotel and walked into reception looking like a drowned rat. I walked up to the desk to ask for my key and the two female receptionists stared at me as if I were an alien that had just walked off a spaceship. 

“Can I have my key please?” I asked politely. 

They were struggling not to laugh as they handed over my key. 

“Oh by the way – it’s raining our there!” I said.

That was the catalyst. The two women howled with laughter, one of them gripping the reception desk so that she didn’t fall over. 

The other said “It’s not funny. I’m so sorry for laughing,” as she continued to roar with laughter.

I just smiled as the two women guffawed for Trinidad. 

When I got back to my room, it took me 10 minutes to peel my sodden T-shirt off my back and my trainers were so full of water that I had to empty them into the toilet. 

I looked at my face in the mirror and I was covered in dirt from the tree – I looked like I had had a swim in a swamp. No wonder the women were laughing at me.

I enjoyed that incident despite the trauma of the apocalyptic storm. I can still picture the laughter of the two wonderful receptionists, who were still struggling not to laugh when they apologised to me later in the day.

12. If you were elected president, what is the first thing you would do?

I would demand to see Donald Trump’s tax returns and throw the bugger in jail while he was being investigated.

13. If you had $3 to spend in the dollar store, what would you buy?

I would buy a pen and notepad. You can never have enough pens or notepads.

14. What’s the most annoying sound in the world?

This:

15. What natural disaster scares you the most?

I was say a volcanic eruption. I am fascinated by the story of Pompeii and having visited the ruins and seen for myself the fossilised carcasses of the poor people who were caught up in the pyroclastic flow from Vesuvius the whole thing scares me to death.