Count Binface

In the UK we have a political system where any old Tom, Dick or Harry can stand as a Member of Parliament (MP). All you do is apply to the returning officer in the constituency you wish to challenge for with £500 with a deadline of 19 days before the poll takes place. If you get more than 5% of the vote, you get your deposit back. If you win, of course, you will become an MP. 

This has led to some really strange candidates applying to be an MP. Here are a few from the past:

Captain Beany – a baked bean themed candidate from the New Millennium Bean Party.

Captain Beany

Howling Laud Hope – the current leader of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party (and yes – it really does exist and has in fact existed for 44 years). 

Howling Laud Hope

Lord Toby Jug – also a member of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party.

Lord Toby Jug

The Official Monster Raving Loony Party has policies that are hilarious, including recent ones such as: 

• Building a space port in Runcorn

• Deport all MPs who “misbehave” to Rwanda

• Reduce pregnancy from nine months to seven months to reduce problems in the NHS

• Introduce greener cars by forcing all MPs to drive around in fluorescent green cars

• Reduce inflation by giving all people in the UK free pins 

• Prevent identity theft by calling everybody Chris

And related to this, something really funny will happen this summer – and it involves old frog-faced Nigel Farage, the populist far-right politician who is Donald Trump’s bosom buddy. 

You will love this (I hope). I know I do because Nigel Farage is my least favourite MP. It is so eccentrically British and it is why I love the country I was lucky enough to be born in. Here is the back-story.

CROAK! RIBBIT! CROAK!

You may have heard recently that my least favourite politician, Mr Nigel Farage, has been having a few problems. He is currently the MP for Clacton-on-Sea and is the leader of Reform UK, a far-right party whose supporters played a big part in inflicting Brexit on the UK. Now I don’t want to start ranting on about my feelings for Farage because that would become a book but, suffice it to say, he is a big buddy of Donald Trump and supports most of what the Orange Goblin does and says. However, recently he has had some big issues. 

For example, he is supposed to represent Clacton-on-Sea but the constituency hardly sees him. MPs are supposed to have surgeries in their constituency but Farage claims that he doesn’t do so for “security reasons”. He also hardly spends much time in the Houses of Parliament leading to the majority of MPs mocking him on a regular basis for srpending more time in the USA than he does in the UK.

However, a newspaper recently revealed that he received £5 million from a foreign-based crypto-billionaire which he first of all claimed was meant to be used to bolster his “security”. He didn’t declare this which is against parliamentary rules. He then changed his mind about the reason for the money: he claimed it was a “reward” for Brexit and he could spend it on what he liked. More recently he was discovered to have received benefits from a convicted criminal called George Cotterell who served a prison sentence in the US for money laundering, fraud, blackmail and extortion. 

Farage is now undergoing intense scrutiny from a parliamentary enquiry into his shenanigans and has recently tried to hide from public scrutiny by dodging interviews and keeping a low profile, just popping up the odd time on self-made video snippets and also spending time in America. 

Now he has taken a big gamble. He has resigned as the MP for Clacton-on-Sea with a view to contesting in a new by-election - in the same constituency. 

Why would he do this, I hear you cry? Farage is saying that “the establishment” is against him and he is framing the by-election as “the people” versus “the establishment” in the hope that the people in Clacton-on-Sea will vindicate him and his actions and return him to parliament again in a way that is triumphant, allowing him and his supporters to give a bloody nose to “the establishment”. 

Basically, he is used to being in control and has a massive hissy fit and thrown every last one of his toys out of the pram. 

There are of course several problems with his gamble. First of all, if he is elected as an MP again, the investigations into his undeclared £5 million and any other “dealings” that may be subsequently investigated will simply continue from the point where it was paused. 

Second, the other major parties know that his actions are farcical and have refused to put up candidates against him making the entire by-election a complete joke.  

Third, of course, Farage has been in politics for decades as an MP, leader of far-right parties and also a member of the European Parliament when we were in the EU. He is as much a part of the establishment as those he claims to be fighting against. 

The Clacton-on-Sea by-election is therefore basically going to be a one-horse race.

Or is it? 

Enter Count Binface.

Yes indeed, one of the more recent eccentric candidates, County Binface is going to  stand against him. Count Binface claims to be an “independent space warrior” and, because there are no other major candidates, the by-election has become Farage versus Count Binface - i.e. a man dressed as a trash can (if you are American). 

And it is absolutely bloody hilarious.

Count Binface is usually quite quiet during elections apart from posing for pictures. This time however, he has been appearing on prime time and serious news programmes on the TV and radio actually being interviewed by serious commentators. This is a joke candidate with manifesto commitments such as: 

• Ban loud snacks in the cinema

• Force rule breaking cyclists to use unicycles

• Force water company CEOs to swim in polluted rivers to “see how they like it”

• Rename London Bridge as Phoebe-Waller Bridge

• Count Binface to be the UK’s entrant next year in the Eurovision Song Contest

Here he is being interviewed:

As you can imagine, Farage is being humiliated – and I love it. 

Here are some quotes mocking the entire farce:

“It is a farce and a desperate distraction, and the people of Clacton deserve better. But if he wants to spend the summer arguing with a bin, I won't stop him.”

“Labour is not going to be part of this circus, I hear it’s the people versus the establishment, the city trader, Putin-admiring, professional politician who’s pals with crypto billionaires versus Count Binface.”

“Reform are into full PR mode while expecting everyone to ignore their leader being in a two-way contest with a bin.”

Come on Count Binface. 

I would definitely vote for you if I lived in Clacton-on-Sea.