Sunday, 5 December 2010

More Stupidity



There is compelling evidence that the world is a stupid place and it worries me, dear reader.

I am fully aware that I have momentary lapses when, without thinking, I say something daft. Unlike some people, however, it is usually due to me not noticing my surroundings rather than genuinely being thick.

Take, for example, the time when I climbed on my soapbox at work after one too many comments on a document I had written. An anal commentator pulled me up for using a compressed font in in just one sentence. I don’t know how it happened and I don’t particularly care.

The problem was that it was unnoticeable to the naked eye. The person who spotted it was one of those guys who comments on really minor things that make absolutely no difference.

“How can he tell this sentence is in a compressed font?” I asked.

“He’s searched the document for it?” said a colleague.

“He’s done WHAT???” I yelled.

It was the last straw. This was an internal document and I had violated a minor quality law and was being pulled up about it by a man who clearly suffered from some weird form of OCD. I hauled my soapbox out and started ranting.

I ranted about quality. I ranted about how pointless it was and how it made my job so much more difficult. I targeted my tirade of abuse at a bunch of graduates, who had only been at the company a year. I insulted the very core of the quality procedures. I tore strips of the company’s quality policy. I verbally annihilated the quality department.

“And what is the bloody point of the Quality Manager? That’s money for old rope,” I bellowed.

Somebody behind me said “Can I have a word, Dave?”

“What?” I shouted, whirling around, still agitated and wound up.

I stared into the eyes of the company Quality Manager.

“Oh shit,” I said.

That’s how stupid I can be, dear reader. I was stupid enough to start a rant about a department in our company unaware that the Quality Manager was standing behind me listening to every word I was saying.

So, yes, I can be stupid. But there are people in the world who take stupidity to new uncharted depths. These people are totally unaware of their own idiocy and genuinely ask the most bizarre questions, expecting people to not only answer them, but also simply cannot see why the questions are stupid.

The internet, as you can imagine, is a vast database of examples of idiocy and is full of stupid questions. To save you searching yourself, dear reader, I have trawled the worldwide web to find some of the most stupid questions ever asked. I ask myself whether these people are actually sentient or just ill-educated. Judge for yourself:

“Windsor Castle is very nice but why did they build it so close to an airport?”

“Do they have Christmas in Australia?”

“Which direction is North in South Africa?”

“Where can I download a good webcam for free?”

“Are there any lakes in the Lake District?”

“Does Wales close in the winter?”

“What’s the capital of Africa?”

“Do you have dogs in Germany?”

“Do you celebrate 4th July in England?”

“How do you know what day of the week it is if you are blind?”

“I want to walk from Durban to Johannesburg. Can I follow the railway track?”

“Why did they build so many ruined castles in England?”

“What’s the right age to start teaching my dog about sex?”

“Who feeds the Loch Ness Monster?”

“What’s the difference between Asian and Chinese people?”

“Will I get wet if I go snorkelling?”

“Can your baby get pregnant if you have sex while pregnant?”

“HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK?”

“What do you do with the ice carvings after they have melted?”

“Can I wear high heels in Australia?”

“I made Jesus-shaped pancakes but I burnt them. Am I going to Hell?”

“Which universities play Quidditch?”

“Was the Grand Canyon man-made?”

“What language do they speak in England?”

“Can I get pregnant from a kiss?”

“Is this island surrounded by water?”

“Would it be cheaper to fly or take a train to Hawaii?”

“What time does the 2 o’clock show start?”

“Do these steps go up or down?”

“Which religion has the best hats”?

“How do you get You Tube to come and film you?”

“What time do they turn the Northern Lights on?”

“Can I take my frozen turkey into my sauna to thaw I faster?”

“Does it go dark at night where you live?”

And a couple I have been asked:

“Do they have microwave ovens in England?”

“I’ve been to England. I met a guy called John Smith in London. Do you know him?”

“How many times have you met the Queen”?

There are many more stupid questions that have been asked and many more stupid people to ask such questions in future.

It’s scary isn’t it?

15 comments:

drb said...

My guess - most of these questions were posted by americans who can recite the capital cities of each american states but have no idea where is US on the World map.
Watch this if you haven't already:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww

drb said...

another clip on americans:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJuNgBkloFE&feature=related

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi DRB,

I know that some Americans are dumb but some of those questions actually came from Brits as well.

I once heard an American despairing about the view of his nation abroad and came up with the quip:

"War is God's way of teaching geography to Americans"

:0)

Cheers

PM

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi again drb,

About you second video ...

OH MY GOD!!! That is absolutely SHOCKING!

And hilarious!!

Dear oh dear oh dear ....

:0)

Cheers

PM

Aluajala said...

I read your post and wonder - is it because you discovered Google Answers? )))

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Aluajala - Yes. But that wasn't the only source. :0) Cheers PM

Kath Lockett said...

It's often pretty frightening to me when I know of my significant mental limitations but realise that I'm probably - as you definitely are - above average. ~shudder~

As for your own example of stupidity, maybe it gave the Quality Manager (now THERE'S a job title that is not only ironic but often downright untruthful) a dose of reality?

The Plastic Mancunian said...

G'Day Kath,

Don't get me started...

There are certain people and certain departments who consider themselves essential to companies and their influence seems to be adjusted by those who have no clue, leaving the engine room at their mercy. It was one of about a thousand bugbears I have with modern working life ...

:0)

Cheers

PM

River said...

These made me laugh out loud!
They may be scary people, but they do give the rest of us something to laugh about.

@drb; I'm convinced there are some Americans who believe America is the only country in the world.

River said...

P.S. Australia has its share of stupid questions.
"How much are the $15 torches?"

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi River,

Oh yes - Britain has load of thickos! Like people who watch X Factor or believe that soap characters are real :0)

I've met some Americans like that actually, i.e. ne or two who regard the UK as an American satellite. I've added a few comments on similar blog posts too.

Mind you, most Americans I've met are fine.

:0)

Cheers

PM

Pandora Behr said...

Strangely, I get on well with the quality manager at Tin Can, String and Whistle as he's one of the few people who make sense.He's in a real minority here. Great post.

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Pandora,

I actually get on well with the Quality Manager, well the Quality Manager who lambasted me at the time. We have a different Quality Manager now ...

:0)

Cheers

PM

Mind Of Mine said...

I get people peeling off random Irish names at me and asking do I know them, I usually just say yes, I see him at the meetings.

It makes people realize they are speaking nonsense.

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi MoM,

I'm usually a lot kinder to these people. Perhaps I shouldn't be...

:0)

Cheers

PM