Sunday, 5 December 2010
There is compelling evidence that the world is a stupid place and it worries me, dear reader.
I am fully aware that I have momentary lapses when, without thinking, I say something daft. Unlike some people, however, it is usually due to me not noticing my surroundings rather than genuinely being thick.
Take, for example, the time when I climbed on my soapbox at work after one too many comments on a document I had written. An anal commentator pulled me up for using a compressed font in in just one sentence. I don’t know how it happened and I don’t particularly care.
The problem was that it was unnoticeable to the naked eye. The person who spotted it was one of those guys who comments on really minor things that make absolutely no difference.
“How can he tell this sentence is in a compressed font?” I asked.
“He’s searched the document for it?” said a colleague.
“He’s done WHAT???” I yelled.
It was the last straw. This was an internal document and I had violated a minor quality law and was being pulled up about it by a man who clearly suffered from some weird form of OCD. I hauled my soapbox out and started ranting.
I ranted about quality. I ranted about how pointless it was and how it made my job so much more difficult. I targeted my tirade of abuse at a bunch of graduates, who had only been at the company a year. I insulted the very core of the quality procedures. I tore strips of the company’s quality policy. I verbally annihilated the quality department.
“And what is the bloody point of the Quality Manager? That’s money for old rope,” I bellowed.
Somebody behind me said “Can I have a word, Dave?”
“What?” I shouted, whirling around, still agitated and wound up.
I stared into the eyes of the company Quality Manager.
“Oh shit,” I said.
That’s how stupid I can be, dear reader. I was stupid enough to start a rant about a department in our company unaware that the Quality Manager was standing behind me listening to every word I was saying.
So, yes, I can be stupid. But there are people in the world who take stupidity to new uncharted depths. These people are totally unaware of their own idiocy and genuinely ask the most bizarre questions, expecting people to not only answer them, but also simply cannot see why the questions are stupid.
The internet, as you can imagine, is a vast database of examples of idiocy and is full of stupid questions. To save you searching yourself, dear reader, I have trawled the worldwide web to find some of the most stupid questions ever asked. I ask myself whether these people are actually sentient or just ill-educated. Judge for yourself:
“Windsor Castle is very nice but why did they build it so close to an airport?”
“Do they have Christmas in Australia?”
“Which direction is North in South Africa?”
“Where can I download a good webcam for free?”
“Are there any lakes in the Lake District?”
“Does Wales close in the winter?”
“What’s the capital of Africa?”
“Do you have dogs in Germany?”
“Do you celebrate 4th July in England?”
“How do you know what day of the week it is if you are blind?”
“I want to walk from Durban to Johannesburg. Can I follow the railway track?”
“Why did they build so many ruined castles in England?”
“What’s the right age to start teaching my dog about sex?”
“Who feeds the Loch Ness Monster?”
“What’s the difference between Asian and Chinese people?”
“Will I get wet if I go snorkelling?”
“Can your baby get pregnant if you have sex while pregnant?”
“HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK?”
“What do you do with the ice carvings after they have melted?”
“Can I wear high heels in Australia?”
“I made Jesus-shaped pancakes but I burnt them. Am I going to Hell?”
“Which universities play Quidditch?”
“Was the Grand Canyon man-made?”
“What language do they speak in England?”
“Can I get pregnant from a kiss?”
“Is this island surrounded by water?”
“Would it be cheaper to fly or take a train to Hawaii?”
“What time does the 2 o’clock show start?”
“Do these steps go up or down?”
“Which religion has the best hats”?
“How do you get You Tube to come and film you?”
“What time do they turn the Northern Lights on?”
“Can I take my frozen turkey into my sauna to thaw I faster?”
“Does it go dark at night where you live?”
And a couple I have been asked:
“Do they have microwave ovens in England?”
“I’ve been to England. I met a guy called John Smith in London. Do you know him?”
“How many times have you met the Queen”?
There are many more stupid questions that have been asked and many more stupid people to ask such questions in future.
It’s scary isn’t it?