Monday, 29 November 2010

Signs Of Age

I am aware that I am not getting any younger and I realise that I can’t do anything about Father Time’s obsession with transforming me into a shrivelled old prune.

I know that many people cannot accept their fate and the inevitable consequences of living for decades. Some people go to extraordinary lengths to do battle with the inexorable slide into old age and look even more ridiculous as a result.

I have chosen to embrace the mutation into a withered old wreck. After all, I can’t fight it – why bother?

Many people say that I look young for my age and while that is true, the signs are there for all to see (if you are brave enough to get close enough to me that is).

Let’s look at the evidence.

Baggy Face: My face is beginning to droop like a sack of sludge with a couple of holes. I have compared my face with that of a younger more vibrant version of myself and it is quite shocking to see the difference. My cheeks look like I have stuffed cotton wool into them and I somehow seem to have acquired more skin. I would say that my skin is growing but I know that isn’t true. If I didn’t know any better, I would say that my face is slowly melting. I am beginning to look like John McCain with a wig:

Grey Hair: My lovely blond locks have darkened to a dirty brown and the pigment is marching towards boring old grey. I could persuade it to reverse I suppose by applying liberal amounts of a product like “Just For Men” that is supposed to turn an old fart into a dark haired Adonis (but in reality makes them look ridiculous). I will let my hair change colour and, I guess, ultimately I will look like a grey owl:

Actually that may not be the case: people with blond hair tend to turn white. So maybe I will end up looking like a white owl:

Moobs: I can’t deny it - I have small moobs (or moobies if you prefer). Purely in the name of research, I have just, stupidly been cupping them in my hands as Mrs PM walked in and now I feel like a right berk!

“What the hell are you doing?” she has just asked.

“Research for a blog post!”

Now Mrs PM thinks I am even more of a weirdo and I have some explaining to do (“Read the post” doesn’t seem to have worked).

Thankfully my moobs really are tiny and only visible if I am stupid enough to wear a tight T-Shirt. But they are there, dear reader. I can see them and soon they will announce themselves to the world despite my attempts to hide them. I will have to start investing in baggy T shirts.

Double chin: Under a certain light I can see that I have a fledgling second chin. I can’t possibly see the use for an extra chin and I imagine if it gets any bigger it will make shaving a right pain in the arse. I fear that unless I deflate it somehow it might become the first of many. My chin is spawning, dear reader!

Hair sprouting everywhere: Regular readers will know that I have a problem with my hair. It is an unmanageable mess at the best of times. Now, the rest of my body has decided to join in, thrusting hair out of all sorts of weird orifices.

Why on earth would I want monster clumps of hair hanging out of my nose?

What possible purpose can they achieve?

Worse, when I go to get my hair cut, the poor woman who battles my monstrous locks now has to shave my ears.

MY EARS for Pete's sake.

Why at the age of forty does Mother Nature decide to cover my ears with hair? I’m turning into a yeti:

Eyesight: I’ve always been as blind as a bat and now my eyes have decided to kick me in the teeth by making me long-sighted as well as short-sighted. I have to wear varifocals now which means that I have to peer through the bottom of the lenses when reading. Why would Mother Nature do that to me? It’s bad enough having to wear glasses since the age of eight without them suddenly becoming useless at the age of forty five.

Mother Nature certainly has a sick sense of humour.

Wrinkles: My fair complexion is fine and from a distance my face looks as smooth as a baby’s backside. Get closer and you begin to see the flaws. Crevices, fissures and ravines are beginning to appear. And they are getting worse. Mrs PM keeps telling me to stop frowning because my forehead has deepening cracks. It could be worse but I know that it won’t get any better. If my hair decides to throw in the towel I could end up looking like one giant wrinkle.

It is inevitable that I will probably end up looking like this any one of these three guys:

As I said, I’m not Benjamin Button and neither is anybody else, so why would growing old worry anybody? I don't like it but it is inevitable, dear reader. I will live with it and get some blogging mileage out of it too.

I know that I am not suddenly going to become a heart throb with features so handsome that women swoon when they see me - in fact, women have NEVER swooned over me so why would growing old be any different?

Mind you, I guess it is possible that older women might find me attractive, simply because they will be as blind as I am.

Besides, who would want to become younger? Crikey – we would have to go through puberty again and the thought of that makes me cringe – it was bad enough the first time.

And yes, dear reader, I HAVE gone through puberty (despite what you may think).


Kath Lockett said...

Oh I hear you, Plasman, I hear you.

Inside in my heart-of-hearts, I still feel twenty six years old, so every morning when I look in the mirror and see an ageing, wrinkling, not-yet-unfolded-or-ironed face staring back at me, I'm shocked.

When we were younger we had that arrogance that we were NEVER going to be like those oldies in their thirties, forties and fifties who gave up on fashion. I reflect now on some of the ideas I had then and wish I had the wisdom of now with the elastic skin of then! *sigh*

Plastic Mancunian said...

G'Day Kath,

Yup - it is a bit sad isn't it?

I can see myself in my two lads - an everyday reminder of how I have changed.

Where did the time go?




River said...

Oh yes! Me too. I sometimes look in the mirror and wonder about the old woman staring back at me. Looks a little like me, but who is it?
I gave up dyeing my hair about 7 years ago and I've never regretted it.Instead of greying, I'm silvering, and I'm quite liking the look. Plus, as a bonus, my hair is not damaged in any way any more. No more split ends, no more rough dryness, just silky locks. Still as wayward as ever, with a mind of its own.
Now, think about becoming a Yeti for a minute. Mother Nature is trying to cover your body with hair. This could be a good thing. It will hide the wrinkles,the moobies and keep you warm in winter.
Also, not only blondes end up white haired. Everyone does, it just takes longer for the dark haired ones to lose all colour. By 75-80 most people are white haired.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi River,

Yetihood here we come!!




Don said...

Love the picture tie ins!! Great job!

I know what you are going through, as I head to 50 (next year!!), those same issues are cropping up more and more every day. My problem is I was ALREADY hairy (except the top of the head, it's as bald as can be), and getting hairier (except the top of the head) each passing day...

But, like you, I'm living the life and letting it happen. Nothing much one can do about it.

My eyes, my Doc said, are actually getting a bit better!

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Don,

Lucky you as far as the eyes are concerned.

Although I moan about my hair, part of me is glad I'm not going bald.




Anji said...

Like Kath I'm 26 inside (going on 55). I'm sure it's easier for men. Imagine the effects of gravity if you had boobs!

Think George Cluny and Harrison Ford.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Anji,

Sadly I look nothing like those guys.

I do look younger than them though, happily.

I know what the effect of time is on MOOBS. I can see it every day.