Tuesday, 21 October 2008
What makes a man a man? How do men believe that they should behave? How do women think that men should behave? Why don’t I stop asking stupid questions?
I’m curious about people. I’m that kind of weirdo. And I like to watch and learn from the way other people behave. Sadly, there are two distinct types of people; men and women. I do not understand women but I do, at least to some degree, comprehend the component parts of the typical behaviour patterns of your average male. I do have a head start – I am a man myself (or so I’ve been told).
I’ve been investigating how the world (the female world in particular) perceives the male form and have once again scoured the internet for guidance and added some items of my own (based on my own pitiful experience). Here are a few of the more important rules that will allow you, as a man, to live a happy and fulfilled life:
Never ever, ever, ever, ever speak to another man in a public toilet. If you meet somebody you know just nod to them but do not under any circumstances whatsoever make eye contact.
Do not ever even consider wearing a sarong. You will be laughed at by other men. I know David Beckham did this (almost certainly under duress or under the misguided idea that he would be an innovator) but he did not pull it off. Every single man in England laughed.
If your car breaks down and you are not a mechanic, open up the bonnet and stare at the engine nodding sagely, particularly when the breakdown truck arrives.
What happens on the stag party stays on the stag party. Never ever, ever take a camera to a stag party. Never ever tell anybody who was not there any details of what happened.
Do not share an umbrella with another man.
Never cry at a film in the company of other men. When in the company of women it should be encouraged unless there is another man present or one of the women is your sadistic sister, the kind who will tell your mates.
Never ask another man what his star sign is. You may be killed.
The only permissible question at a football match is “What’s the score?”
Do not ever ask any other man to explain the offside rule,
Do not ever buy Christmas or birthday cards for other men.
Never let a woman touch the TV remote control.
Do not under any circumstances wear sandles and socks. In fact, if you really want my advice, give the sandles a miss altogether.
Do not allow a beard to grow more a centimetre in length.
Avoid shopping with women. It will end in tears.
Never shave when drunk (I speak from personal experience).
Work to live – not the other way round.
If a man buys you a beer accept it – even if it is horrible.
Never ever drink cocktails containing umbrellas.
Never tell another man he is “flying low”.
Never talk to your wife/girlfriend/partner about relationships involving your mates.
Never drive a pink or orange car. Do not ever, ever, ever drive a fluorescent green car (again I speak from experience).
There is no reason for men to watch any of the following TV programmes: “Desperate Housewives”, “Strictly Come Dancing”, “The X Factor”, “Wife Swap”, “Big Brother”.
Never, ever, ever, ever allow the lady in your life to persuade you to see a boy band in concert.
If your lady wants to watch the big game with you, do not allow her to ask a single question other than “What’s the score?”. If you do, you will not see the rest of the game.
There are many more rules that I may post later. I have made mistakes (too many to mention) but have tried to abide by the above rules. I know for a fact that if you inadvertently break one of the above rules you will only do it once.
I’m off now to watch Manchester United v Celtic – and Mrs PM will be watching “Desperate Housewives”. Guess who will watching on the portable TV?