“It makes you look fat!” are the most ill-chosen five words I have ever used in my entire life. I was answering the most difficult question in the world at the time and for a whole day my normal, sane life was turned upside down in tsunami of abject misery.
The question was: “How do I look in this?”
I realised my mistake immediately.
I was standing in a female clothes shop outside the changing rooms waiting for my lovely lady, Mrs PM, to try on her umpteenth dress. I was hysterically bored and had spent the last hour and a half being dragged around similar shops. My will to live had booked a one way ticket to oblivion. To make matters worse, the changing rooms were strategically located to cause maximum embarrassment for men like me – right in the middle of the lingerie section. I stood there trying my best not to look like a colossal pervert gawping at bras and panties.
I mean, come on! Where do you look? You can’t stare at the goods on sale because the staff and other customers will think you are a cross dresser. You can’t look at the other female customers because they will think that you are eyeing them up, as will you missus when she finally emerges from the changing cubicle.
So why did I reduce my life expectancy to a few seconds in such a cold-hearted and stupid way?
To be honest, I made the mistake of misjudging the way women think.
On past excursions to similar shops I have simply not known how to answer the question and simply mutated into a gibbering wreck when asked it. Mrs PM, in a desperate attempt to help me, once said “Just be honest and tell me what you think”.
I thought honesty was the best policy. I should have that engraved on my tombstone.
As the five words that would spell my doom gushed from my mouth, I saw several women wince. Some stepped back in utter amazement. One man grabbed his crotch, presumably anticipating my punishment. Another dived for cover.
I almost ran myself but decided to stand my ground in a stupid attempt to recover the situation. I smiled and said “I was joking – it looks lovely”. It didn’t and she knew it. She was on this occasion seeking confirmation that perhaps it didn’t suit her. I spent the rest of the trip in mental anguish, anticipating the psychological torture on the way home and the pain that would assail me when I arrived there.
Suffice it to say, I endured hours of pure agony so graphic that I can’t possibly describe it here.
So this post is a warning to all men.
(1) “How do I look in this?” is the most difficult question in the world to answer. I don’t care about so-called philosophical claptrap like “Does God exist?”. You will suffer no matter how you answer.
(2) Honesty is most definitely NOT the best policy. In fact it is more likely to propel you towards the end of your life faster than you can say “but …”
(3) Never ever ever ever ever go shopping with your wife or girlfriend unless the alternative is a slow painful death.
Can somebody please help me to understand what goes on inside the female mind? Perhaps when I recuperate I can avoid walking with a limp next time I find myself in an alien place full of bras and panties.